Ronan. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I think so, but to know so, I’d have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. I’ve been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I don’t feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. That is actually a big fat lie. I’ve been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. I’ve learned to become the ultimate pain hider. I have learned to be present, to smile when all I want to do is cry, to be productive when all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a week, and to throw myself into things that take a lot of work, but the work leaves me distracted. Oh, I’ve also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7.
I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. “I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.” “Why the fuck did this happen?” “I talked to George Clooney last night and I’m going to run off with him.” (inside joke, but I really did freaking talk to George Clooney thanks to one Fairy Bad Ass RoMo) And my all time favorite, “Where is Ronan and who is taking care of him?” I got sat down and talked to in the harshest but kindest way. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. “Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. You don’t. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. But you are doing such amazing things and even if you can’t see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain.” I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while. “Tell me what I can do for you. Please.” I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. He said some more things to me that I won’t repeat, but left me saying, “How do you know that? How do you know everything? Nobody knows that. Does Ronan talk to you and tell you these things?” I honestly think you do, Ronan. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. I know he will keep her safe.
I’m full fledged in the middle of writing this book. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. The problem I’m facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. Go figure. I’ve been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and it’s not what I want this book to be about, so I’ve been trying to make this section, as short as possible. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like I’m no the verge of a breakdown. I just keep telling myself, I’ve got to just get though this part, but it’s not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. Fucking cancer.
As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. It still blows my mind that you are never there. I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way. You were always are mini Pat Tillman who was going to rule the world. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. I’ve been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. It’s our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how I’m going to take over this fucked up world. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. Sometimes all you need in life is a little Eddie Vedder to remind you of who you really are. I love that man and the concert was unreal. By far one of the best ones I’ve been to. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. He just is who he is. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. It was a great night, to say the least. Pearl Jam ended the concert with “Keep On Rocking In The Free World,” and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. I miss you so much, Ro.
Time to go, little man. It’s raining like crazy here today. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
P.S. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. I’ll keep you posted on when things are ready. Thanks as always for your love and support.
Ronan. When I’m not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I’m hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. So much has happened and so much is going on that I don’t even know what to address first. First things first, Ronan. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. I keep telling myself, I have to get through September first, but I truly don’t know if I can wait that long.
So, where to start? The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hampton’s with your Poppy sister. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of “ruining our trip.” That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. That phone call where I was left saying, “What? No. Start over. I cannot process this. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? I love you. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you.” That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldn’t survive this big of a loss, once again. Your daddy watched me as I paced around for days, cried in bed, telling him if anything happens, that this will be the worst thing to happen to me, since losing you. I came home from the Hampton’s, as fast as I could, waited as patiently as I could to get to the hospital and plop a big fat kiss on that old man’s forehead and look into his sparkly eyes. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. Your Sparkly just looked at me and said, “No matter what this is, my book is already written. You know that better than anyone.” I left the hospital, waiting to hear the news that was the only news there could be. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. Please, Ronan. Do not let anything take him away. Please, Ronan. Let him be fine. You left him here to watch over me, for you. Do not let him be taken away. A few hours later, I got the news. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. It had not spread, and now that it was removed, everything was going to be fine.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. He promised to help me fuck cancer and I’m not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that.
While I was on my vacation in the Hampton’s, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. I had visions of the signs I would hold, while bouncing Poppy on my hip. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. I wish so badly that I could make this a reality, because I don’t know what else to do. I’m angry, sad, and feel really let down. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. How can we make this happen? Does it start with baby steps while everyday, kids are just being murdered, left and right? How much more blood needs to be shed? The world of childhood cancer deserves so much more. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because it’s the world solely live in now. We didn’t ask for much, Mr. President. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better. Thanks for not listening, or caring in my opinion. I truly expected more from you. These kids, deserve to be embraced. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. A little sorry we’re really not sorry light bulb changing is not going to stop me from trying every year, to get this to finally happen.
I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. show in Florida. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. Of course I said, “HECK YES!” Because I don’t like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. Who knows what I am getting myself into, but I’ll never know unless I try. You can see the link for the website here. http://emotionalmojo.com My first real interview is Monday. I’ll let you know when I know more. Maybe Poppy will even make an appearance;)
Alright, Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Thank you again, Ro baby. I love you so much.
P.S. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. A huge thank you to Mayor Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona for signing our proclamation to declare September as Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. He is a man that cares and sticks to his word. We are truly grateful to have him on our side.
Ronan. I don’t remember the last time I’ve written to you and I don’t like that. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. My nights have been spent writing accompanied by hot flashes and puking over the toilet again due to living this fucked up “journey” over in my head again and writing it all out to tell our little story. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but it’s still very difficult. I got through your diagnoses and I had no idea writing about that again would leave my head spinning in the way that it did. I can’t imagine what writing about your death will be like for me. This is the part where all you lovelies chime in on how brave I am. I don’t feel brave. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. Wouldn’t every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their child’s legacy lives on? To make sure good things continue to go on, because of their baby? I would like to think so. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. I don’t get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. I don’t get to scold you when you are being naughty… The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping at thin air, sometimes I get tired and so very sad, but I have never in my life wanted to give up or quit. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, you’re not coming back. And that is all I want more than anything in the world. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going… I promise you that.
Today is an amazing example of good things that will keep me going. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. I got asked to lead a 5k run that some girls I know wanted to throw together at our Lake Sacajawea. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. Everyone else buzzed about, working their butts off to make this “Run Like A Rockstar” 5k run, happened and it ran smoothly. All I did was try to get in a few runs before the big event so I could actually try to make it around the lake without having to be pushed in a wheel barrel. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didn’t have to walk alone. She talked about how she was so excited to run this but then pulling up to park and seeing your little face on the poster was just awful. How this was such an awful reason to have to run. I told her I knew. How surreal this all still seems to me. I know I used the word unfair through my tears. How could my baby be just fucking dead? How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. I am proud, too Ronan. I know we are and will change this world in a very big way but FUCK. What I wouldn’t give to have just one more second with you. What I wouldn’t give to have my old life back. I can’t though. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend.
I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. You know who kicked ass in the race today, Ronan? Your brothers. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! Liam has been going on some runs with me at night, but I had no idea he could run 3.6 miles in 30 minutes. Holy smokes I was blown away! Quinn came in just a few minutes after him. Liam ran pretty much the whole lake, by himself. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. I am so proud of them both not only today, but always. Such amazing little boys they are.
After the race I got a chance to meet some really lovely people who all love you so much. It was an emotional day but so rewarding as well. I am so grateful to everyone who came to support your foundation. Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. That is so important to me. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. This is just the beginning. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home.
Alright little man. I need to get in some hours working on this book. I talked to your Sparkly the other day. I miss him when we are away so much. He knows that I’ve been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can “Fuck Cancer.” I know what the urgency meant. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. All I can do is my best and I want to do this the right way, not the rushed way. I am just proud that I actually started it and I am making progress.
Alright little man. Back to the book. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite, babydoll.
Ronan. I forget to write about 23 months without you. I was in the hospital with your Poppy sister. It was the day after I had her. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldn’t be so sad because I would be holding your baby sister safe and sound in my arms. I do think this is true. It was the first time that the 9th wasn’t completely gut wrenching for me. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? She helped me get through the day. You know what comes next though. Next month. 2 years without you and I’m sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? It doesn’t seem possible. And guess what else this year is. Your birthday is the same day as Mother’s Day. How am I supposed to get through that one? Mother’s Day is hard enough now, but the fact that it falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, “We need to come up with a last minute May plan, because I can’t be here.” He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. I hate the month of May.
Your death day
Your birthday which also happens to be the day you were cremated
Mother’s Day without you
Your funeral Day
I won’t ever love the month of May again.
I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. It’s all I can do just to survive it.
Everything around here is really calm and peaceful. I feel calmer and more peaceful than I have in a very long time. It’s because of Poppy. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. In a way that I haven’t been able to do since you died. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. It’s amazing the way she seems to be working her little magic on all of us. I have been doing nothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. I know to make a statement like that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. We talk about you a lot. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. Having her in your room was a good decision on our part. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. He asked if it was hard for me to be in there with her. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. We still haven’t seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. Quinn made a comment about how weird it felt to have another person living in our house again with us. To me that just screamed how much your little life is missed by us all. How much your absence is always felt. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. I find myself sitting and trying to process all of this on a deeper level but I mostly just sit in disbelief that this world has to be without you. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. I wonder how come the whole wide world doesn’t feel this way, too. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just don’t understand why the whole world isn’t in an uproar over this. I guess if it doesn’t touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. That makes me sad. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. And if they do get cancer, there should really be better treatments and options. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. I will never stop apologizing for this.
I’ve been spending most of my days in your room. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. I swear I stare at it all day long. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. That will never change.
Alright little man. This is all for now. Not a lot has been going on so I don’t have a ton to write about. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. I worry about her so much already. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I’ve been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I’ve been telling myself all day things like your death, isn’t really real. I’ve been telling myself all day this is somebody’s else’s life and not my own. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just can’t take living this life without you anymore. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I know what I am coming home to. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Of course I am happy to see them but it’s you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I will always look for you though.
Ronan. I know I’ve been quiet. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. O.k…. I’ll admit it. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching “The Kardashians.” I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, “Who am I?? In bed? The Kardashians?! OMG. I need an intervention.” I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadn’t felt in a while. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it… I knew I was going to crack. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. OUCH!!!! Ummmm… ouch!!! It’s much too early for those. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. That’s what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. The whole, what am I doing thing? Where is Ronan? And how in the world am I living without him? I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. I’ve been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead child’s costume. In my mind, I’ve walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, “Can you please get Ronan’s costume for me. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry.” “Of course I can. Consider it done.” he said. You’d think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? Well, that’s the world I live in, Ronan. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. Walking in with it was easy. It’s the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do.
I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I had a little secret very important meeting today. Your Fairy RoMo just happened to be in town for this meeting. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur.
Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. It all started with her looking me in the eyes and saying, “What do you want? Tell me your dream for all of this.” So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. She grabbed my hand and said, “I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. Now that I’ve met you, you’re in.” It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. Follow up plans were made. It’s taken me all day to wrap my head around what this could mean. I feel like I haven’t been able to catch my breath all day and it’s not just from Poppy suffocating me. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. Mawahahahahaha….
I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. We very much needed a pow wow session. It’s been much too long. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. Just as I was saying to her, “How am I going to survive these next two months?” A text popped up on my phone. It was my agent, Nena. “Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses?” I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. “Here’s how I’m going to get through the next two months. By taking a little time out to go to New York.” What perfect timing. Of course I’m cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but I’m cutting it just close enough that I will make it. You know I will always say yes to New York. Especially when it involves you, which it always does.
This is all for tonight, little man. I’m mentally tapped out. G’nite. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I promise to make you proud.
Ronan. My week has kind of gotten away from me. I’ve had your brother home sick 3 days this week. He’s had a sinus infection (Yay! Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Your brothers get the flu, awesome! An ear infection, counting my blessings! You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc… Those things to me, are blessings. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know I’m not a fan of. I don’t like being in our house, without you. I don’t like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. WTF. It’s like I’m just now getting the memo, “Hi, you’re pregnant!” No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. She is so beautiful already. Her little face is all filled out. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. She has a ton of hair already. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. She obviously gets those from your daddy.
I saw my OBGYN as well. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppy’s measurements which look perfect. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. I worry about it with your brothers, too. That will never go away. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. I told her alright for the most part. Then I went down that road. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. That oh so fun place only mom’s get to go that have had a child who has died.
“Can we talk about when you can induce me. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared she’s going to die if you let me go to my due date. I am so scared of having a still birth because that’s the world I live in now and it’s all I hear about, besides cancer.”
Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. She is a wonderful doctor. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright.
I’ve had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppy’s Godfather, said to me a while ago, “You know it’s going to be a circus.” I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. I told him I wasn’t going to let it be that way and he said something like, “Well, you’d better start figuring out how to control that.” I’ve slowly been doing that. I had the talk with Stacy and Fernanda this week. I told them what I have been thinking. I don’t want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. To me, this is a private time for our family. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I don’t have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. What if I totally freak out and lose it? I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. I do know this. I am going to need some time with her. Alone. To bond. To cry. To feel happy. To feel sad. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. Having a baby is emotional under normal circumstances. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and it’s a freaking party now! I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. I’m not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. That about broke my heart right then and there. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, “Mom, I don’t know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not.” She just gave me a squeeze and told me, “Of course, honey. I understand.” I feel like it’s taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. It’s taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom. I remember with all of you, I read that book, “What To Expect, When You’re Expecting.” I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. It seemed to have all the answers. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. They don’t have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. Everything is different. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. I don’t blame them. Maybe I’ll take in on in my free time. Maybe I’ll call it, “What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.”
This weekend is a busy one. The P.F. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. That woman humbles me like no other. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. I can’t wait to see you at the finish line!
I’m tired tonight, Ronan. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I swear I feel her moving, kicking, punching, twirling around all day long and most of the night as well. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. Thank you. I know you know how much we all need her. I promise to be the best mama to her.
I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Ronan. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. It’s been a few days since I’ve really cried and I guess I’ve been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldn’t control. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I won’t miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this won’t ever be the case. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I don’t live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. It’s about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears.
Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called.
“Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. Are you home now?”
Me: “No. I’m sitting in the parking lot. I can’t go home to an empty house.” Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t even finish my sentence, here……
Him: “Shhhhhh. Darling. It’s o.k.”
Me: “I’m sorry. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Him: “Stop saying you’re sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Me: I couldn’t talk so I didn’t. I just continued to cry into the phone for the next few minutes while he just sat and listened.
Him: “Get home, o.k.? I will see you tomorrow.”
I got home. Nobody was there. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. It wouldn’t have been this way, if you were still here. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didn’t act like it. You were just so happy being home with all of us.
I’ve been really busy. With a lot of different things. I had a super important phone call this week. I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. I put down the blanket that you died on and on top of that I set out all of your favorite things. Your Master Yoda, your Spirit Hood, your gigi blanket. I sat quietly in your room for a while. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. My phone rang and so I did my thing. I don’t want to talk to much about it because I don’t want to jinx myself. I think the phone call went really, really, well. At least that is the vibe I got. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. I should know more, soon.
I’ve been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. I remember last year, I couldn’t even pack my suitcase. We shall see if I succeed this year. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddy’s celebration of life. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. I sat there numbly and didn’t say much. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. I told her I didn’t remember a thing about it except I don’t think I cried. I know I was in shock but I am also sure I was numb from much of the medication I was on. I then just said to Macy, “I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. I’m doing this, for them.” She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. That’s all I needed to hear. I don’t know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. I’m so lucky to have her, Ro. Thank you for bringing her to us.
I have lots to do today. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. Not even a trip to the grocery store, the car wash, the bank, etc… Even the littlest things are different. I’ve been keeping myself busy enough because my life depends on it. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Because if I don’t have things to do, I just won’t do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be.
Him: “I know you do.”
Him: “Are you home now? Please get home. I will speak with you tomorrow.”
Me: “O.k.” I’m almost home.”