Happy freaking birthday, Daddy Woo


Ronan. Tomorrow is your daddy’s birthday. Fuck. May is so busy, full of so many things to celebrate, except for not really anymore. I mean, really, did you have to leave us in May? Before your birthday, your daddy’s, and Liam and Quinn’s is coming up too. I’m going to try to be extra happy for your daddy tomorrow, but all this may consist of is getting my ass out of bed to make sure I tell him how much I love him. And how freaking sorry I am that we have nothing to celebrate. Because we don’t, and it would be weird to pretend like we do. We will make it the best day that we can though. Liam and Quinn have their last day of school tomorrow. I am so relieved about that. I am ready for a summer break and some quiet time to escape here for a bit. I need some time with your brothers with some fresh air and nothing but the love that we are holding on to. Our love just has to get us through this. We all need to reconnect so school could not have ended at a more perfect time. We are all ready for a little down time. Time to slowly repair all the little things we can by being together and finding a new normal I guess. As much as I hate saying that, a new normal is what we have to try to get used to. I don’t want a fucking new normal though. I want our fucking old normal back. Back when I was such a busy little housewife that I thought it was a chore to take my wild 3 year old to the grocery store with me. But we would go and have the best time. We would then come home, take our sweet naps, wake up, clean up the house, start dinner, clean up with that, baths, showers, homework….. Everything was so important and so exhausting. Ummmmm… no. It wasn’t. It was the most beautiful life with 3 healthy boys. Who cares that you took a pen and stabbed holes in our ottoman. Who cares that you took toothpaste and squirted it all over the bathroom floor and covered the mirrors with it. Who cares that you took a Sharpie and drew all over the walls. I was that mom; the mom that cared. Although I did find most of your little shenanigans funny….. you got into trouble for all three of those things. So stupid. So nothing. So something a 3-year-old should be doing and not getting yelled at for. Although, I’m not a big yeller. You know I’m more of the fun mom who just kind of embraced every creative thing you used to do. It was all part of  your growing up, learning right from wrong, and encouraging you in any way possible. I’m so sorry for the last 8 months of your life and the real growing up you had to do. You learned such hard lessons and none of it was fair or right. You had to grow up way too fast and I will never get over that.

Ronan. I’m still here. Where are you? I’ve looked for you everywhere and cannot find you. I’ve looked for you in the reflection of my window. I’ve looked for you at the restaurant that we ate at today for your daddy’s birthday. I’ve looked for you on the side of the road. You are nowhere to be found. I want to be nowhere too. I want to be nowhere with you. But I can’t. Despite my wishing for the world to stop; it hasn’t and therefore, neither can I. So, I’ve been doing all the things I’m “supposed,” to be doing. I’ve been getting out of bed. I’ve been running errands. I’ve been taking care of your brothers. But I’ve been hiding too. Hiding from the people I love the most. Sometimes, I crawl back into bed in the middle of the day and hide there for a couple of hours. I never sleep. I pretty much lay there and just cry. And than I think about you and how mad you would be if you knew what it was, that I was doing. That forces me to get up and moving again. I never liked to make you mad. You had such a temper. I miss that. The days are still really blurry and I still have no concept of time. I do know that the pain from you being gone is now getting worse. The numbness is wearing off and the pain is almost intolerable. My stomach sinks a lot to the floor. I’m still dealing with the whole breathing thing too. I catch myself a hundred times a day not taking enough breaths. I have to tell myself that I have to breathe. I feel like I should be wearing an oxygen mask around 24/7. I wonder if this would help. I doubt it. I don’t think anything would help at this point.

Today is your daddy’s birthday. I’m so sad that you are not here for it. All day I have thought about how we would have celebrated him together, as a family. The way he deserves to be celebrated everyday. You know what I did for him on his special day? I let him drive me to my therapist appointment. He always asks if he can drive me and I always so rudely tell him no; that I don’t need to be driven. Today, on his freaking birthday; I asked him if he wanted to drive with me. Just so we could be together. It is your daddy’s day, yet he ended up doing something special for me. Par for the course. I promise to make this up to him someday. But honestly, this was the best I could do today. This is as good as it gets this year. I’m sorry, Woo. I do love you. My birthday wish for your Daddy tonight, Ro, is for you to visit him in his dreams. Please. He needs you.
I’ve had a hard time feeling you around me these past few days. I think it is because I am physically so consumed by my pain that my body is not letting me feel anything else. I saw Mr. Sparkly Eyes yesterday. He told me how you came to visit him in his dream. He told me how he saw your big blue eyes and how you told him you were o.k. I am so thankful for that. I love that you are finding a way to get to me, even when I am having the hardest time finding you. I love how you will do whatever it takes to let me know you are o.k. because I really, really, need to know that. I have no sense of peace, Ro and why should I? I don’t understand how any mother who has lost a child can ever really have peace. I think people say a lot of shit to make themselves feel better about losing a child. And I know I am new to this club, but I can already tell you everything I am hearing is bullshit and things like, you will come to peace with this, are only said by people to get through the day. Once you lose a child, it’s as if you have to retrain your mind and the way it works just to go on.  I’m still in the, fuck everything phase and nothing is ever going to get any easier. I suppose the pain may lesson after time goes on, but only because your brain is filled with new memories and somehow the memories of your child seem fade. It must be because you learn to reset your brain and you learn a new way of living so that it doesn’t feel like dying. But what do I know? I don’t think any one person deals with this the exact same way. This is just my observation and as I have learned…. I know nothing except for what I am feeling. And sometimes I do not even know that. This whole thing is a fucking learning experience that I never wanted to be a part of. One of my favorite quotes in the world has always been from the movie, “Shawshank Redemption.” I was reminded of this the other day when I was laying in bed, hiding, and your daddy came in and said, “Get busy living, or get busying dying.” I just gave him my normal, piss off look. But I know he is right; like always. I told you that daddy of yours was a smart man.
Everything we do now is so. freaking. boring. I said this out loud to your brothers tonight. I actually said to them, “How boring is life without Ronan?” They both agreed and Liam talked about how much he misses you. We then took turns saying if you were with us right now, what you would be doing. There was so much laugher when you were around. That is one thing I will never forget. You filled up any empty space with your giggles and craziness. I never knew how dull life was until you showed us what we were missing. Oh, Ro. I really don’t know what we are going to do without you. Everything is so empty.
I’m having a hard time. I know you know this. I’m haunted by a lot of things. I told my therapist, Sarah, today how right now, I cannot stop thinking about your eyes how they looked the last couple of days before you died. They turned from a crystal blue, to a deep blue like the ocean. I keep wondering if it was because your little soul was getting ready to leave this earth. I think about  this all of the time and I cannot get the image of you and the way the color of your eyes changed out of my head. Someday, I hope to replace this sad memory of you, with all of the happy ones I experienced. Someday, my sweet boy. I will pray for this.
I love you to the moon and back. Just me and you, forever and ever. G’nite my baby doll. I’ll love you forever.
xoxo
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46 thoughts on “Happy freaking birthday, Daddy Woo

  1. Lauren

    I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through, My heart breaks for you and your family everytime I read your blogs, but it is very refreshing for someone in this situation to speak very honestly and from the heart.

    My Aunty lost her husband two years ago and she i don’t think has ever really grievied properly for her husband and I think it does very slowly help the healing proccess to talk about your feelings and emotions. I wish she was able to open up this way, so she can begin the healing process.

    Thankyou for sharing your feelings and emotions with all of us, I feel through these blogs, I am really starting to know you and your family including your gorgeous little boy Ronan. You have probally heard this before but He was very lucky to have such a lovely supportive family like you and your very lucky to have had him.

    My thoughts, prayers and love are with you and your family at this time.

    Lauren

  2. yikescindii

    My heart hurts so bad for what you are going through. As a mother, I could not even imagine the pain you feel. I lost my mother to cancer 6 years ago to cancer, and all I can do to function normally is to push it all away, block it out. I know that isn’t healthy, but it’s all I can do to make it. One thing that helps is hoping that there will be a cure to this disgusting, hateful, cruel disease in my lifetime! That will be the happiest day of my life! I know nothing will make it better for you, but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

  3. K.M

    I have nothing profound or inspiring say. Just wanted you to know I think about you and Ro often and wish so much you didn’t have to be apart.

  4. Starlene DeBord

    Maya,

    All I can say is that I’m an EXTREMELY SORRY that this has happened! Also thank you sooooo much for sharing this with everyone! Like you said not everyone handles these situations in the exact same way! You are doing a great job…getting out and about and keeping it real!! You are truely an amazing person! And sure people say things that piss you off just to try to make things seem better (ok), and it’s totally understandable for you to get angry by what they say! Sometimes it’s just better not to say anything…just a smile and a hug! I am still totatly amazed from one of the posts that you had mentioned you might be offending someone about what you wrote! Well how DARE ANYONE GET OFFENDED by your true feelings! ANd how TOTALY UNSELFISH of you to even for one millisecond aknowledge anyone else’s feelings but your own! You are truely AMAZING!

    HUGS,

    Starlene DeBord
    sdebord9763@wowway.com

  5. Amy

    Maya,
    we have never met but I have been reading your blog since December. My heart aches for you and your family. I’m so sorry Ronan left this world so early. I pray for you and your family every day.

  6. Katie

    Maya,
    I saw this quote on a freinds FB page and wanted to share it with you.
    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together..there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.” AA Milne

  7. Nancy Weber

    My heart breaks so badly for you. I can’t tell you that it will get better. I can tell you that it becomes different…

  8. chrisie

    Hinking of you today and everyday. I know you are surrounded by wonderful family and friends but please know that I am here if you need anything. Although were in diFferent places in this nb battle I hear your words. I admire your openess and I certainly admire your strength and your love for your family.
    Thinking of you
    Chrisie

  9. Sara

    I have no words for you, they all seem flat and fall short, but know that my heart is full for your family. Thank you for letting us continue to make this journey with you. You’re right that if love were enough, Ronan would be here now.

  10. Jaime Harris

    Maya, continuing to think about you daily and praying for you. I hope time will help you to heal, find a “new normal”. I hope your summer with the boys goes just how you need it to. I will continue to keep praying for you and your family, all the time, every day!!!

  11. Jessica

    Maya you are so honest with your thoughts and feelings and that’s probably the best way to heal. To get it out there and not hold back. Wish your husband a happy birthday. Thank you again for sharing so honestly with all of us.

  12. Jan Todd

    There are no words that can make you feel better. They simply do not exist. Losing a child is, I think, the most devastating thing that can happen to you, and none of the cliches or banal comforts that people give cannot take the pain away. But I can promise you that it will, slowly, become bearable. I lost my Keely on Christmas Day, and while I wasn’t nearly as eloquent as you, my feelings were the same. It took a long time before I was able to do even the simplest things, like cleaning house (and my friends know how serious that was).

    You seem to be doing all the right things with your grief, acknowledging it, writing it down, seeing a therapist, spending time with your family and remembering Ronan. And you recognize that Ronan wouldn’t want you to be suffering this way, even though you can’t help it.

    You are such an awesome Mom for Ro (I won’t say “were”, because you are still and always will be his Mom). If someone else was his mother, maybe he wouldn’t have had the same quality of life or as much love as he had. And he sure had love!

    Remember there are a lot of people who love you, some you know and many of us you don’t, but we are all here with you, supporting you, holding you, praying for you and loving you. It will get easier, but it’s a very slow process, so give yourself time. Healing takes time.

    Sending love and hugs.

  13. Christi

    Maya,
    I wish I could take your pain away but I can’t.
    I wish I could tell you that one day it will get better, but you aren’t ready for that.
    It will get better but in your own time and never let anyone tell you that you need to buck up and get over this. Grief takes so much energy, both mental and physical, that it sucks the life out of you. You are stronger now for going through this horrible life event, but you don’t see that yet. One day there will be happiness in your life and it will come at a time you least expect it. But every life event: Ronan’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, the twins birthday and others will slam you against the wall and reopen that painful wound I told you about in an earlier post. I admire you for posting, writing about these raw feelings as it will allow you to grieve at your own pace. I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain, this anguish. I truly wish I could take it all from you but I cannot. I can uphold you, pray that you find what you are looking for…whether it is peace, comfort, happiness or a normal life. It will come I can assure you for I have been in your shoes and after 23 years it still comes back to slam me against the wall. Love Woody today as he is grieving in a different way as well as your boys. You all need each other so it is good that you talk of Ronan and the fun times you had together. His star shines brighter each time you do. Prayers and love to all of you.

  14. Laura

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you entire family. You are right grief is a personal journey and there is no exact path. You are doing great,baby sties day by day. Your boys will help with the process. I’m glad it is summer and you will get a couple of months to heal together as a family. We are there for you night or day. All our love to you entire family.

  15. Sheryl Mobley

    You are doing EXACTLY what you need to do at this moment in time. You are a wonderful person, Maya… you are grieving. I don’t have many words, but I have many thoughts of love as I read your blogs. I am praying for you and your family always.

  16. Amber

    Happy Birthday Woody.

    Maya – you’re absolutley right, no one deals with death the same way. I pray for you everyday and I think about your family often.

  17. Laura

    You are so amazing. You may not feel it now, you may not even care at this point. But you are one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. You are doing great things even in your pain to open eyes all over the world to the war raging between this monster bitch cancer and ALL of our children!! You are real, you are raw and honest and open, and I am so sorry for your pain. I too am the mom that dreads the trip to the store on occasion, or feels like the mundane things make a day “bad”, I too say fuck. You could be ANY of us. ALL of us. I want you to feel him. I want you to see him everywhere. That is what I will pray for. That you recognize him in everything instead of not being able to find him anywhere. That this is what will get you through. Just know, that u and Ro have already raised awareness, both of cancer and of LIFE in thousands of people.

  18. Glenda

    No words… beautiful post and rawness. Love that about you! You keep it so real for everyone. Sending you tons of hugs… Strength and Peace to you, Woody, Liam and Quinn.

    Baby steps…one foot in front of the other…and some days you will need to stay put. XO

    Thinking of you…Rockstar Ronan… everyday!

  19. Sanndra Whitmire

    I am so glad you keep on writing cause I will keep reading!!!! I wish a wish for you every day!!!!!!

  20. Katie R

    Maya – we do not know eachother but I’ve been reading your blog. I find myself thinking about you and Ronan often – like we’re friends. I think every mother has a link to all the other mothers out there. We are all in this together…this wonderful thing we call “Motherhood”. Please keep posting to this blog. I believe it’s helping you more than you know. I saw a man in my neighborhood wearing an ASU t-shirt and I thought about Ronan…he is everywhere!!

  21. Michelle H.

    Just a quick note to let you know that your post once again has inspired myself and many…trying to honor Ronan’s memory and your loss by living each day with graditude and appreciation. Praying you will feel Ronan’s presence today…xo

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  23. Jaime Harris

    I am not Gone
    I am not gone
    I remain here beside you
    Just in a different form
    Look for me in your heart
    And there you will find me
    in our love which forever lives on

    In those moments when you feel alone
    Look for me in your thoughts
    And there you will find me
    in sweet memories that burn strong

    Every time a tear
    Forms in your beautiful eyes
    Look up to the heavens
    And there you will see me
    Smiling down from God’s glorious skies

  24. Lori

    You exemplify the true meaning of motherhood, how passionate we love, how deeply we hurt and how always we GIVE of ourselves, even in death. I am in awe of you and your willingness to share the good, bad and the ugly. IF only we all could be so TRUE to not only others but ourselves. You have the challenge of your life ahead of you, TO LIVE each day to the best of your ability, all while missing your baby with all your heart and soul. I can only imagine where that kind of strength comes from. You have to dig deep and have faith that something will guide you through so you can be the mother, friend, wife, friend…………that you want to be. I came across your blog through a friend in AZ, I live in columbus, OH. we have a young girl, Madeline in our community who is fighting the good fight with the same cancer that took away your little Rock star. and what a beautiful boy!! He’s captivating in every way. thank you for writing………each time I read your post I admire you more and more. thank you for reminding me how precious life is, how short it can be, or how lucky we are for each day we share together as a family. we take so much for granted and your message is a constant reminder to stop and just “be”, live in the moment, ENJOY motherhood, it’s a gift. I think of you so often and pray you can smile today and feel your little boy with you as you step through the day.

  25. brandi

    Maya,

    I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your loss, for your sadness, for your emptiness in life you are feeling without your baby boy.
    I don’t have any children, so I can not even imagine what you are going through. I have loss two friends in different tragic accidents (age 15 and 19) and the saying “time heals all wounds” has always been one of my most hated sayings because it won’t..nor do you want to heal from this pain because your afraid that it will mean you have forgotten. I have seen both of those mom’s and another mom who lost her child to cancer a few years ago, where the pain is still so so real, but rawness of the pain does become easier to bear.
    My hope is that, after you get through this hard time, after you work through the stages of grief, that you remember the good times with Ronan. That little boy was so special, and yes, you wanted more years/a life time with that little man and you got screwed! But you had him in your life for almost 4 years…and that is better than not at all.
    I pray for you and your family. I pray that if you don’t already have a relationship with God, that you will..because He is the only way you and your family will be able to get through this difficult time.
    Lots of people love you and are rooting for you and your family. Ronan was a very special gift, not only to your family, but to many, many others. Crazy, how a 3 year old boy could have such an affect on so many people that many of us spend a lifetime here and will not change the world the way that Ronan did…with the help of you.
    Much love to you and your family.

  26. Sarah Blue

    Maya-I was introduced to your blog in early May by a friend. You are an incredible woman to be able to share your life and grief as you do. I can’t imagine what you are going through–there are no words.
    In the short amount of time I’ve been reading your blog I’ve become a better mother to my boys. I have more patience knowing that at any moment it can all be taken away. I cherish every moment because of you and Ronan. I know I am not the only one you and your beautiful little boy have had such a profound impact on.

  27. Kelli

    Praying for you and your family. I just want you to know your whole family is on my mind daily. Ronan will never be forgotten. Praying Ronan guides you daily.

  28. Patrice M

    Oprah’s last show today left a profound statement….”What is your calling? What is your purpose in life?” Maya, you and Ronan, as unfair as it is that you have lost your beautiful baby, have already found that. You have made thousands of people aware of this sick disease. And you have opened their eyes to appreciating the simple things in life.
    I ache for you. But, I also feel that you will continue your purpose in life and achieve incredible things.
    Peace to you and your family.

  29. Hisham

    Maya,

    I would like to express my deepest condolences and sympathies to you and your family over the loss of your precious son Ronan. Like most readers of your blog, you do not know me personally and we will probably never meet in person. That being said, I would like to say that your writing and stories about Ronan’s life and your family’s experiences have had a great impact on me. Like most of your readers, I am filled with overwhelming sadness and heartbreak over the tragic journey that you are your family are now forced to embark upon. More than that, as a father of four, I wanted you to know that through your blog and your stories, I have learned how to be a better father, a better husband, and a better person. For that, I am truly grateful to you for sharing your story.

    Because I don’t know you personally, and because I have not had to go through what you are going through, I am reluctant to write about any opinions of mine concerning your experiences. However, I will make one exception: I have concluded, based on your blog posts, that you (like me) are a believer in the therapeutic process. After reading about how you are planning to continue your sessions with your therapist and have already started the first family session for grief counseling, my opinion is that this demonstrates how strong a woman and mother you are. I am also gladdened to read about the support network you have in place and the proactive steps you are already taking to ensure that your family begins to process your terrible loss in a supportive and healing environment.

    As I wrote above, it would be patronizing and insulting for me to attempt to offer you anything that could be construed as advice. However, being of the male gender, I am motivated to at least provide some information that might be helpful in some small way to you. After reading your most recent blog posts, I came across what I feel is a very good site about parental grief: http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html. I would like to close this comment with a few quotes taken from the above URL:

    – “Grieving parents are survivors”

    – “Parental grief is overwhelming; there is nothing that can prepare a parent for its enormity or devastation; parental grief never ends but only changes in intensity and manner of expression; parental grief affects the head, the heart, and the spirit.”

    – “There are no easy ways to deal with grief, there is no one correct way to grieve, and no set time frame for grieving parents.”

    – “Parental bereavement often brings with it a sense of despair, a sense that life is not worth living, a sense of disarray and of utter and complete confusion. At times, the parent’s pain may seem so severe and his/her energy and desire to live so lacking that there is uncertainty about survival. Some bereaved parents feel that it is not right for them to live when their child has died. Others feel that they have failed at parenting and somehow they should have found a way to keep the child from dying.”

    – “Probably the most important step for parents in their grief journey is to allow themselves to heal. Parents need to come to understand that healing doesn’t mean forgetting. They need to be good to themselves and absolve themselves from guilt. They should not be afraid to let grief loosen its grip on them when the time comes. Easing away from intense grief may sometimes cause pain, fear, and guilt for a while, but eventually, it usually allows parents to come to a new and more peaceful place in their journey. Allowing grief’s place to become a lesser one does not mean abandoning the child who died.”

    – “What has happened to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life’s harshest blow.”

    – “Bereaved parents will recover and reach a place of rest and hope… [They] will never forget [their child], but rather will find ways to keep [the child] a cherished part of [their] inner selves forever.”

    – “Bereaved parents need to know that their child will be remembered, not just by them but also by family and friends. They need to have the child acknowledged and referred to by name. They want that child’s life to matter. They do not want to forget and they don’t want others to forget. One bereaved parent said, ‘The mention of my childs name may bring tears to my eyes, but it also brings music to my ears'”

    Maya – I for one will never forget that there was a special little boy named Ronan Thompson, that he was – and continues to be – your son, and that he is now the brightest star in the sky. And you can bet that I am not alone.

    Stay strong, keep breathing, and keep climbing that mountain.

  30. Kristin

    My first visit to your site. How can you celebrate someone’s special day when your heart is in a million pieces, part of it has gone, wrapped around your baby boy to keep with him forever now that he is a star in the night time sky.
    But you HAVE TO GET UP. YOU HAVE to be present. You HAVE to make it through the day, their special day. Because they are not gone…they are in front of you. You can touch them. You can’t feel, but you will. Get up. Get through this one hour. Breath in, breath out. Get through the hour.

  31. Lala G.

    WOW! This just took my breath away and brought me to uncontrollable sobbing tears. I just want to say Thank you for opening up your heart and Sharing this story with us. You have opened my eyes to a whole other world, a world of happiness, a world of just letting go of stupid things, a world that means we should value every second of life. I don’t know what I could possibly say to give you comfort through this difficult time other then tell you that I feel Ronan was special and he is still alive through all of us
    who have been reading this and making a change in our lives for the better. One of my favorite Novels and Movie ‘ A walk to remember says love is like the wind. You can’t see it but
    you sure can feel it. We all feel it reading Ronan’s story. God bless you and family!

  32. welovecraftytracey

    Ohmygoodness, this post has brought me to tears. My heart aches for what you are going through, no apologies or condolences can express how very sorry I am that your beautiful son has the left this earth so soon. But I am so very sorry.

    I feel like I am living your grief through your posts, grief I would have if I were in your shoes. A large piece of your heart has gone with Ronan, and a lifetime will not get it back. I don’t believe the pain of the loss of a child will ever go away. I don’t believe we ever get over it, but I do believe that we ever so slowly, find a way to live with it, and that living with it becomes less painful with a lot of time.

    Much love and light to you. May you feel the light through the darkness, even if it just a glimpse in the memory of his smile.

  33. Gmomma

    There is truly nothing that gets you through this, never could be. Lost my oldest son at 23.
    Unfortunately there is no great word or deed anyone can say or do. This is about you and your son, and the love you shared. Those who know that love, also know that this is too hard to ever ‘get over’. It’s been 5 1/2 years and each day, I’ll say it again, each and every day I shed tears for him…and am so sad sometimes that the hurt makes me sick. I cherish his memory with everyone who will listen, but they cannot know the depth of this pain….and it is a pain. So embedded that it becomes a part of your soul. The good news is that I have a beautiful grandson named after him, and I knwo he would be so proud….life goes on, just never the way we could have ever imagined it.

  34. MK

    It took me nearly 10 years to not feel like I was thinking about my daughter every minute she was gone. I still cannot afford myself too much time to think of her as I will immediately begin crying and feel my heart bleed. It’s too soon for you to worry about why you still feel this way, Sweet Mya. Let yourself grieve without apologies. ❤

  35. Laura

    Oh my I just bawled my eyes out.. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My sister in law just lost her son last week and I am totally sure she feels the exact same way. I wish there was something we could say or do to ease the pain but I know right now you both just need time.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Keep those beautiful memories alive

    Xoxo

  36. Laura

    So sad. When I finish reading your posts, I just have this lump in my throat and it returns to me throughout my day. I am standing in line at the pharmacy and I think about how you said you were running errands and staying busy. I start to imagine what that would be like and I can’t, but I get so sad for you then. I don’t mean just pity, but really sad for you. There is so much beauty in the love you have for Ronan and in the special bond the two of you shared. I know so many people have said that you are inspiring, and its true. I feel inspired and didn’t know that following a blog could be so life altering. I know just reading your blog is not close to actually going through something like this. I have a 3 year old little boy too and sometimes when I look at him I think it could have been me on the other end of the story. You inspire me to treasure my children, especially my little mischevious boy, even more. I wish you some moments of joy and peace and will keep you in my prayers.

    Laura

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