A Happy Birthday to your most amazing brothers.

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Ronan. Our little, Rachel went back to NYC this morning and I hated to see her go. We had the best time with her here and she is another one of those big reasons that I am so thankful for this blog. Without it, I may have never known this amazing soul who I’m sure was my little sister in a past life or something. Somehow or somewhere, we have crossed paths before. There is just no other way to explain the bond and connection we have. Never in my life have I met a more centered and beautiful 21-year-old in my life. Rachel is everything I hope Poppy grows up to be. She is brilliant beyond measures, mature, wise, compassionate, polite, sassy, hard working, loving, funny, strong, independent, adventurous, and truly knows how to stand her ground in this crazy world. I can’t wait to watch all she does in this life as I know she is going to change the world.

After I got home from taking her to the airport this morning I walked into your brothers room to find your daddy, Liam, Quinn, and Poppy. Your daddy goes, “Did you get Rachel off o.k?” I told him I did. He then goes, “That’s sad.” I said, “What’s sad?” He said, “I know you’re sad that she had to go. I wish she could have stayed longer, too. She was a great house guest.” I just smiled and said that it was o.k. Although in my mind I was wishing she could move in and stay with us forever. Your bed looked so much more happy with her in it. I’ll never forget the first time I met Rachel and I don’t really even remember how it came about except for she had been reading my blog and knew I was coming to New York City, alone to take a little time for myself. Somehow it turned into, “Want to meet up?” And of course I said yes because I just had a feeling about this girl. I am so glad I took a leap of faith and a chance and opened up my heart when it was so broken. My little, has helped me in ways she will never know. It’s people like Rachel that make living this life a little easier because she brings such beauty to it. Even though she may have tried to hide Poppy in her purse and take her to New York with her;) Don’t worry, little. We’ll come visit you soon. We are missing you so much already.

The 9th came and went. It was an o.k. day. We didn’t do anything dangerous. Instead Rach helped me get organized around the house. We cleaned out drawers, organized closets and dressers, we loved on Poppy and your brothers. We met up with Fernanda and Stacy for dinner where I got to sit and talk with my friends while Poppy slept away in their arms. It was a good way to spend the 9th. For once, I didn’t have the desire to jump out of an airplane without a parachute. Your brothers birthday was the next day. 10 years old, Ronan. I don’t even know how that happened. I woke up and made them a big breakfast before basketball camp. We opened up gifts and they were so excited, happy, and thankful. After camp we spent the rest of the day playing with Fernanda and her kids for the majority of the day. I broke down about halfway through the day as I had done all I could do. I tried my best to be the strong and happy mom for most of the day but there came a point when I couldn’t stomach the fact that you were not here with us to celebrate and the tears just started pouring. There was no controlling them so I just let them fall. I was back in Fernanda’s bedroom with one of her boys who is so in love with Poppy that he just wanted to hold her all day long. I was sitting quietly with him and we were whispering back and forth to each other about Poppy. There was something about seeing him holding her and the way he was looking at her that reminded me so much of you. I think it was the look in his eyes as they were filled with so much love, happiness, and peace. It’s the way I know you would have stared at her, too. Brando kills me anyway as I totally have such a soft spot for that kid. He is only a couple of years older than you. Right after you died, I remember being at Fernanda’s house and I was back in the boys’ room. Brando just looked at me and said, “I’m sorry about Ronan.” I was speechless as I think he was only about 6 when this happened and I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t care how little this boy is, he gets it.” I’ll never forget that moment with him and how much it meant to me. I’m a sucker for all of her kids, but Brando always seems to tug at my heart just a little more. While I was crying on the bed with Brando and Poppy, Brando looked at me and said, “Are you o.k.?” I just nodded my head that I was, even though I really was not. I tried to stop the tears, but it didn’t work and Rach and Fernanda came into the room to find me silently sobbing. My tears lasted a majority of the day. I just wanted  you with us, running about the way you should have been with your big brothers on their 10th birthday.

We ended the night with messy, messy, ice cream cake, singing Happy Birthday and lighting off fireworks that we acted like weren’t supposed to be lit off. As we were jumping and dancing about I heard our little Rachel yell to Quinn, “Rules were meant to be broken, Quinny!” I laughed out loud. Indeed they are, little which is another reason I love you so much. Ronan, you would have loved the boys’ birthday so much. I hope you were there watching us and cracking up at the things we did and you could see even through my tears, I can smile and laugh, too. The night ended by tucking our little in as I sat with her and talked about life, love, loss, and the people we choose to surround ourselves with. I told her how I’ve learned some lessons along the way about the people that have floated in and out of my life. How you, Ronan, are the root of all things good, beautiful, and pure and as long as I remember that I think I will be able to continue to do things that will make you proud. I’m not here to deal with drama. I’m not here to deal with BS. I’m going to live this life the way I want to live it, not the way other people think I should. At one point I was talking to Rach about Stacy and I was telling her how we met, how long we’ve known each other, how we lost touch after our husbands graduated law school together and how we had made plans to meet up after a few years had passed and how we were supposed to go to dinner on the night you were diagnosed. I tole Rach from that moment on, how Stace swooped in and her and Fernanda took charge of everything. How we may have had our bumps along the way, but at the end of the day I always know Stacy never forgets why it is she is here, doing what she is doing. She never forgets this is all for you and because of you. Screw me. I’ll say screw me all day long as I’m not the one who matters in all of this. It’s you. I get told a lot how strong I am, how inspirational, etc… You know what I say to all of that? I’m not any of those things, but you are Ronan. I am just simply here, trying to make you proud by doing the things I know you would want done. You were the strong one. You were the brave one. I was just simply lucky enough to be your mom.

After my pow wow with Rachel, I went to kiss your brothers good night. Quinn wanted to snuggle Poppy so we got into bed with him. We all said our goodnights. I told your brothers how lucky I am to have them and how I hope they know how much I love them and am proud of them. This is what Quinn said. “Goodnight mom, Goodnight Liam, Goodnight Poppy, Goodnight Ro. I love you. I wish you were here.”

Always, Ronan. We always wish you were here.

I love you, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Thank you to all of you who reached out to me about the cable for The Ronald McDonald House. We’ve got some amazing people helping us out and I am crossing my fingers that something can be done. I know it may seem like such a silly thing to some because we are lucky enough to have the basic things in this world like clean water, food, etc… But trust me, when your child is neutropenic and cannot do a thing except watch Mickey Mouse Club House and the parents are so beat down from all they are going through, a little thing like that can really help one get through the day. Again, thank you all. You truly are angels on this earth.

 

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I was never going to be ready for today.

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Ronan. I was not prepared for today. I was not ready for today. But today happened anyway. It started off pretty normal. A normal check up at Dr. Schwartz’s office. I didn’t even have to see her, I just had to sit in a chair for a good 45 minutes so Poppy’s heartbeat and movements could be monitored. Just routine stuff that I’m having to do, twice a week now. It’s always quiet in this room and it’s easy for me to relax and get lost in my thoughts. Today, I thought alright. Of course about you. I was sitting there listening to your sister’s heart beat and she seemed to be moving non stop the entire time. I know she doesn’t have much room and there, but she doesn’t seem to care. Her movements are strong and never seem to stop. I had a flashback to that time I was at Sloan with you. We were back in a room and they had you hooked up to a machine  where we had to listen and track your heart for a couple of hours. I remember being up on the bed with you, holding you and trying to keep you entertained. You soon fell asleep in my arms. The next thing I knew, I was laying there with you but I was silently crying. I remember I was so overcome with emotion over sitting there listening to your little heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and I knew how lucky I was that it was still beating. We didn’t know at this time that your cancer was spreading, but I was just so grateful for your little beating heart. I hated that you were strapped up to a monitor when you should have been just out and about playing like a normal, healthy 3-year-old but I found the beauty in our day, anyway. I’ll never forget that day with you. It sticks out in my mind all the time. Today, listening to your Poppy sister I was taken right back to that day and the tears seemed endless.

I got out of my doctor’s appointment after a couple of hours. They were way behind today and I came home for a sight that I was not ready for. Your daddy and I have talked for a couple of weeks about taking the furniture out of your room to have it refinished to the color that will match Poppy’s crib. I came home to your daddy who had informed me that the people refinishing your things, would be at our house to pick everything up in a few hours. This meant drawers had to be emptied, toys dumped out, clothes moved, stuffed animals pulled out from the storage area under you bed, etc…Your daddy asked if I could empty out your dresser. I started crying and simply just told him, “No.” He did it. He did most of it. By the time the people got to our house your little room had been completely torn apart and I could do nothing but sit on the couch and cry. The lady working with us could not have been sweeter as your daddy had explained our situation to her on the phone so she understood what was going on. She told me how she had some bad luck, too as she lost one of her sons at 17 and also one as an infant. I could hardly get two words out as I was trying my hardest to somewhat control my sobbing. Your daddy was the one who told her he was sorry and did the rest of the talking as I just sat there in a cry fest trance. Your little room that I’m pretty sure I had made up in my mind, would never be touched, has totally been taken apart. I know we are going to put your things back but it still does not make any of this easier.

I sat in your room for a long time today. On one of your mattresses. I sat on the phone and cried to the couple of people I talked to. Thanks, Meg and Stace. I told them both how I was staring at your side of the empty room where your bed once was but now the only thing left there were a few of your Star Wars guys that had clearly fallen off of your bed because you would always insist of sleeping with 50 of them. I texted with Fernanda a bit. She is going to come over tomorrow to help me figure out how we are going to put your room back together while making it Poppy friendly, too. I am lucky to have such good friends who are truly there for me at all times. I am so lucky in that regard and so thankful.

The past couple of days, my emotions have been building up. It was your Sparky’s birthday. I remember his birthday from a couple of years ago when we were in New York. You made me take an extra special picture of you to send to him just for his day. It’s one of my favorite pictures of you, even though your body was all marked up with a Sharpie Pen from your radiation and your little arm was hurting so badly that they tried to make you wear it in a sling which you of course refused to do. The smile on your face was priceless and your eyes were so bright and beautiful as I was taking this picture. They were shining like diamonds. You were so excited to take this picture and send it to him. We called to tell him, “Happy Birthday!!” and I remember you saying this in your squeaky little voice that was full of so much love and happiness. As always, I did my best to try not to be sad on his birthday but I wished more than anything that it was you sitting by my side as I watched your Sparkly open up our gift and two cards. One card from me and one from the both of us. I of course signed your name on the card I picked out from you, to him. You would have liked it and called the card, “cute.” I sat and watched your Sparkly read our words and open our gift. I watched as he chuckled at something while the corners of his eyes got wet. It’s a sight I’m so used to seeing with him. That bittersweet happiness that I know all too well.  I did my best on his day, for you but it was still hard to hold it together without you by my side. I know your Poppy sister will help with things like this when she makes her little entrance into the world. Maybe days like this will become easier and help with the sadness because the happiness I know she is going to make others feel is going to be infectious. Next year it will be nice to have her by my side on days like your Sparkly’s birthday.

I spent much of the day and evening crying. Today was a hard day to get through. I literally went to bed telling myself, “You made it through today and you didn’t die. The pain didn’t kill you.” I’m always so amazed that it doesn’t. The sick joke is I know what I’m waking up to tomorrow and how none of this ever goes away. I don’t get to escape this. I still have to wake up to your totally disassembled bedroom that I said I would never touch. I was never going to be ready for today. You can never be ready for something like this.

I’m tired but restless. Of course, I’m not sleeping well. It’s because of my not sleeping well at night that I’ve noticed that we have this fucking bird outside of our bedroom that seriously sings all day and all night long. I don’t understand this as it’s only something that has started a couple of months ago. What kind of bird, sings all night long? It’s annoying to me and I don’t feel like hearing it’s song. Tweety bird, tweety bird please shut up. Between that and your empty room I’m surprised I’m not outside stalking this bird with my BB gun. That is totally a very Maya Danger thing that would have happened last year when I was in my Danger Baby phase. I’ve been stalking this bird to try to find out where it is hiding but I’ve only been stalking from it from the inside of our house. My body is too tired to truly investigate. Stupid bird.

Time to go, little man. It’s late and I need to try to get a little sleep before I have to start today all over again, tomorrow.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Thank you, Taylor for what you did tonight. You are such a light that keeps me going even on my hardest of days. I know Ronan is so proud of you for all you are doing. So am I. I love you.

 

Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.
Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.

Happy Birthday, Taylor!!!

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Dear Taylor,

Wishing the girl with the most beautiful heart the happiest birthday, ever. You have inspired me in such a way that I didn’t know was possible after losing my Ronan. Thank you for being such an old soul in the youngest, most carefree way, possible. Thank you for all you are doing to help fix this very broken world of childhood cancer. I promise to make not only Ronan proud, but you as well. I promise to never give up and to fight harder everyday, because of people like you.

Happy Birthday, darling girl. I love you.

Maya, Ronan and the rest of The Ronan Thompson Foundation board members

Tomorrow, we dance.

Ronan. Tonight, I am left speechless with all the things you are doing. Let’s just say it was a day full of shock, tears, screaming, hugging, and silence to process all that has been happening. There are no words to describe all the beauty that you are leaving behind.

Tomorrow, would have been your little buddy, Ezra’s fourth birthday had Neuroblastoma not killed him. Tomorrow, his mama should be throwing a party, not wiping away her tears over her son that she misses so much. We’ve been texting back and forth a bit today. I asked her what she will do tomorrow. She said, “Tomorrow, I will dance.” Erza loved to dance, just like you. You two sound so similar.

I’m going to ask a favor of all you little lovely readers tonight. Tomorrow, please stop and take the time to be thankful for all that you have, and dance while doing so. For Ezra.

This is all I can write tonight as it was a super long day in the best way possible. Probably the best day I have had in such a long time. Thank you, Ronan for your soul which is changing this world. I’ll dance for you tomorrow, to one of your favorites… Kelis….”My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.” Or Kanye, ” Can’t tell me nothing.” And of course a little Taylor Swift, too.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

“Hello, Poppy!” (only to be said in a British accent) Thank you, Ro, for bringing us all this gift. I miss you so much. You are going to make the best big brother. xoxo

The eagle has landed!! Or maybe just Maya has landed in Austin, Texas.

 

Ronan. I had our white party, yesterday. I had it solo and it really wasn’t much of a party at all. But I wore all white and just did my normal, everyday stuff. I didn’t bring it up to your brothers. They don’t need to know every single one of these dates, all in a row, the way I do. I will protect them from what I can and the date that we had your service last year, didn’t seem like a day I needed to remind them of. They have been reminded of enough lately. My party didn’t last long, my party wasn’t very fun. I don’t think P Diddy, would have enjoyed it. I am glad he didn’t come. I spent the majority of yesterday, unpacking all of our suitcases and doing about 20 loads of laundry. I am anal like that. I needed everything to be put away/clean so I could feel o.k. about turning right around to hop on another flight. I am in route to Austin, Texas as we speak, but due to US Airways sucking balls, our flight has been massively delayed.

I am heading out to Austin, Texas to go to the Dell Children’s Medical Center for the 2012 NMTRC Symposium. I am going to listen to them talk about the latest in genomics-based personalized treatments for neuroblastoma in children. You see, when you believe in something or someone as much as I do, you will do whatever it takes to support them and learn as much as you can, about what they are doing. Even if that means surviving the worst month of the year, being beat down, tired, numb, sad and alone; but still continuing to move forward. I believe in Dr. Giselle Sholler this much. I believe in her, so much that I will do whatever it takes to help support her in whatever way I can. As of now, going to this conference is my way of saying thank you to her. For all that she is doing. It is my way of supporting her and it is a great way to learn the everything I possibly can, about what she is doing. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I just had a brutal past week. Yes, I would like to just crawl in my bed and not come out for a while. Yes, I probably need a break. But now is not the time for this. Right now, I have work to do. Right now, there is no stopping. I am too angry at this disease to stop and come up for air. I will eventually, but not now. Dr. JoRo texted me to see how I was doing. I told her I was in the zone. She told me she was worried. That my “zone,” makes her nervous. That she feels like I just got though the dates of hell, and now here I am, off again to do more, more, and more. I told her I knew. That I was nervous too. I told her I expected to have a breakdown next week. But not this week. This week I have some stuff to take care of. This week I can power through because I am strong even when I am not. I am doing this week, because this is what comes along with still taking care of you. I say this all the time, but this is my way of taking care of you. I will always put you, before myself. Always.

So yesterday, I played catch up all day. I got everything in the house, taken care of which in turn will lessen my anxiety and it will be nice not to come home to a shit storm of suitcases/dirty clothes, everywhere. I could not handle that so I powered through the day. I slept last night, off and on. No Ambien needed. I think I mostly tossed and turned. I sent some emails at some very vampire times so this tells me I really did not sleep at all. Today was more of the same stuff. I finished packing. I ran to Safeway to get our Hallie a little something for her birthday. I dropped it off at Green Cleaners for her and got to run in and give my friend a hug. She is my friend and she loved you. I think I made her day. I hope so, because she often makes mine. Whenever I’m having a bad day, I will run by to see Hallie because her mouth and her sass always makes me laugh. Laugher to me, is priceless. Not many things make me laugh anymore. She always does. I hope she had a nice birthday. She deserves to.

I am finally here. I am tired. I spent much of the flight with my head buried in your blanket, crying. Tonight, I am beating myself up. Tonight, I am filled with we should have done this. Tonight I am filled with, why didn’t we do that? Tonight, the only voice I hear in my head is I didn’t do enough to save you. In my irrational mind, if that were true, you would still be here. I know this is not logical. I know this an impossible standard to live with. I see how absurd this all sounds. It’s not a fun place to be, but this is where I am, as of tonight. I hope to wake up tomorrow, wearing a new set of glasses that seem less foggy and hard to see out of. Sometimes, things get really blurry and foggy with these glasses of regret and shame on. Maybe I just need some sleep.

Alright little one. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

I feel, therefore I am

 

Ronan. This is just how things work now. When things come to me, they just come. For almost a month now, I’ve been hiking my butt off. Worrying about your birthday and what it is I wanted to do. Pressuring myself to figure things out. Some days, ideas came. Other days nothing came at all. I tried not to get too frustrated with myself. Nothing felt good enough. Nothing felt right. Nothing could hold a candle to making this day as beautiful as it should be. As beautiful as you are. I stopped thinking so much. I felt instead. The Phoenix Children’s Hospital plan came together slowly. But I knew there had to be something else. I knew your birthday had to be something that everyone could share. Your love can do so much good. Your love will do so much good. Your love will change this broken world. I know this.

I sat at Dr. JoRo’s office for most of the day. She was not there but let me use her office so I could work without having to be at home. I cannot work from home. It is too painfully quiet. I sat in her office and worked away. It felt cozy and safe. I turned on my computer screen and my hands starting writing away. The words for your Ronan’s Day of Love flyer flew of nowhere. I texted your little LoRo. I asked her if I gave her the verbiage, if she could put together something for me to help spread the word about the day I was wanting to create. She said of course. She was so happy to do it. I was so thankful to have her to ask. It was done within minutes. It is darling. It is sweet. It is pure and came from my heart. It came of a place of feelings not thoughts. I didn’t have to think when I wrote out my words. I often don’t. I don’t usually think when I write on here. I feel. Your day of love came the exact same way. By feeling and that’s it. I felt alright. I felt so much that I spent much of the day sobbing on the floor of Dr. JoRo’s office. I spent much of the day, sobbing over emails, text messages, and writing in my journal. I sobbed over thinking about how wrong everything is, but how right so many things are becoming. It seems everyday I am flooded by words from people about how you have changed them for the better. It seems as if everyday, someone is out in the world, doing good because of you. It is bittersweet to see all the wonderful ways you are still here. I only want you here but as we said before, that simply cannot happen. I will take you in the only way I can now. By feeling you when I do. By watching you change things for the better. By trying harder at everything I do when I really don’t want to do anything at all. By trying very hard, to fix myself because I know that is what you would want. I know you want me to be happy. I know you don’t want me to hurt this badly. I remember your last words to me. You yelled at me. I was crying. You said, “Don’t be sad!!!!!!” I hear your squeaky little voice telling me this. It is so hard, not to be sad, without you. Do you know, every time I laugh, I feel you. Every time I smile, I feel you. My laughs and my smiles are not my own anymore. They belong to you. They will always belong to you.

I’m tired tonight. But I wanted to stay up until midnight because it is someone’s birthday. This someone’s birthday that has been one of the most unexpected gifts to come out of all of this. This someone that I often sit back and think to myself, “If Ronan had not gotten sick, I may have never met this person. I cannot imagine my life without her. I am so lucky.” I call myself lucky when thinking of her. I call myself lucky because I know it was you, that put her in my life just at a time when I thought I was drowning the most. You threw me a life raft and it was her. She likes to be undercover. She likes to be behind the scenes. So all I am saying is a big HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, to you know who you are. Margaritas to come later over mucho chips and salsa. I heart you. And your little dragon too.

G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you so very much. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

 

Happy Fucking Mother Fucking Birthday

Ronan. I think I thought last year was a hard birthday for me to celebrate. I’m pretty sure I bitched and complained about it. I wish I would have known then, what I know now. That last year, was the best birthday of my life. I know we were in the hospital. I know we spent the day, in your bed, cuddling and playing Star Wars. I would have given anything, for that day today.

My birthday is almost over. Thankfully. I expected it to be hard. It was a day full of ups and downs. You would not believe all the beautiful things people did for me and said to me. It was a day where I had so many people try to make me smile. I smiled over a few things. It was a day full of lap dances, Miranda dances, Purple, Skulls, kisses, hugs, tears, phone calls, text messages, FB messages….. and so many beautiful people. Want to know some of my favorite things that I got told? I have a few that I can remember. Someone told me how it was just another day, right? And 2011 was officially the worst year ever. I exhaled when I read that. YES. THANK YOU. I’m being serious too, Miss J. I so appreciated your honesty. Somebody told me, “Happy Fucky Birthday!!” I laughed over that one. Thanks Sarah. Somebody wrote to me, “Happy RObirthday!” I loved that one. I got a lot of “Happy Fucking Birthdays!” I of course, loved those too. The card above is from one of the sweetest souls I’ve never met but I hope to someday. Her card made me smile from ear to ear. Thanks, K.

I spent the day trying to be kind to myself. Something that is hard for me to do now. I spent the day, just trying to get through the day, without you. I couldn’t believe I had to spend my birthday, without my best friend. I worried about you a lot today. I missed you so much. I cried a lot. I just wanted to today to be over. I told your daddy that I was so mad that I was having another birthday, and you were not. Dr. JoRo texted me to see how I was doing today. I responded back to her, “Bloody fucking fucking mother fucking awful. Shaking a lot. Going to try to run some of this off.” She said her birthday was always hell for her too. She said she was going to do some sort of kindness act for you tonight. That made me smile. I went for a run. It didn’t stop the shaking of my hands. Nothing does.

The whole not celebrating my birthday did not work either. It turns out…. the lovies in our lives were not having it. So the day and night was filled with more I love you’s, than ever. Your daddy picked up your brothers from school for me. My mind was in one of those moods today where it played tricks on me. I had myself convinced that you were going to come running through our front door yelling, “Happy Birthday, mama!” I sat and watched out the window for your daddy’s car to appear with you and your brothers in it. I imagined how you would all tell me that this was indeed a sick joke and you were alive and well. I imagined your daddy telling me he had brought you back to life, for my birthday. I know you know how this turned out. None of this happened. Not any of this, came true. Your daddy and brothers took me to AZ88, one of my favorite restaurants for dinner. I blew out my birthday candle. I made one wish. The same one that I make 50 times a day. I hoped, wished, and begged that you were safe. I put on my best face and thanked your brothers and daddy for such a nice birthday. We came home and we all snuggled in our bed and watched part of a movie. Quinn asked if the two of us could sleep in your bed again tonight. I told him o.k. We snuggled up, I kissed him goodnight, we said goodnight to you, and he soon fell asleep. I’ll sleep with him in your bed again tonight. It makes me sad that your bedroom is so empty now. I feel so guilty that it is so sad and lonely. I have been sleeping in your room just to mess up your little bed and to cuddle with all of your Master Yoda‘s and monkey friends.

I ended tonight with a phone call from one our favorites, New York Miss Macy. Fucking fuck I miss her. The phone call started off with me crying so hard, that I couldn’t even talk. It ended with us both in fits of giggles. Her ability to bring the laughter and sunshine out in me is a gift that nobody else has the capability of doing. She asked me what I was going to do in NYC. She asked me if I was going to visit Sloan Kettering. I told her I didn’t think so, unless I wanted to end up in jail. I told her I was pretty sure they had me on a watch list, after the letter I sent to Dr. Kushner. We cracked up at the thought of me wearing disquises, in order to get into the hospital. She said she knows I could pull off some awesome mustaches. We cracked up at the thought of this. She misses you so much too.

I’m going to end this tonight now, Ro. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry. I hope you are safe. G’nite, sweet dreams, I love you.

xoxo

Dear Loveliest of Lovelies,

Thank you all. For being so kind, sweet and thoughtful. Thank you for taking the time out of your day, to wish me a Happy Birthday, Unbirthday, Fucking Fucked Birthday, not a birthday, a Wild and Free Birthday, a RoBirthday, and all the other creative things you came up with. You made me smile through my tears. You made me feel loved. You made me actually feel which is hard for me to do though all the numbness. You all are the best RoFriends a girl could ever ask for. I know Ronan is so thankful for all of you. So am I.

I love you all.

xoxo

A Birthday, Smiles, and Sparkles

Ronan. I smiled today. A couple of things made me smile and it felt o.k. I started this morning by running with Samya. I’m having a hard time, finding my love for this running thing again. I am still trying to get over that mental block that I seem to be having. I asked Samya if we could not run on the Canal this morning. She sweetly agreed to trust me and I picked out a different route for us. We ran up some hills, through some neighborhoods, and past Camelback Mountain. It was much better than the dirty, dusty, canal. After our run I came home and did the usual routine. The house was so quiet as everyone was still asleep. I hopped in the shower and went through the list of things I needed to get done today. After the shower, I was thankful for the quietness, as I had something important to do. It is Fernanda’s birthday today. I bought her the same locket necklace that Macy got for me in San Diego. I’ve had it for a while and knew what I was going to do with it. I got out the glue and spread a think layer on the inside of the locket. I took your ashes into the dining room and sat you on the table. I opened up your Urn, dipped my hand into you, kissed you and told you to please take care of Fernanda, for the rest of her life. I cried and smiled at the same time, knowing that you wouldn’t let me down. I let the locket dry, wrote her a little card and sealed it with a kiss. I felt as though you were watching me today, helping me with this decision as I know it might seem strange. But it felt right. And I have been thinking about this for a long time. She was with you, right before you passed away. I knew this would be the most beautiful, special gift to her. And it was just as special to me; to be able to give her such a thing. You know I would give her the moon and the stars above if I could. The gift of you is better than anything in this world. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way today, to let my friend know how much she means to me.

I dropped L and Q off at school with the usual goodbyes, I love you’s, see you at 3:15, please try your hardest today. They make me proud everyday. I watched them in the rear view mirror, as they walked into school. I looked back at your empty seat in the car, expecting to hear you yell goodbye to them. It kills me everyday to look back there and not see your sweet little face. I drove to Taylor’s where I told Fernanda I would meet her for breakfast. I sat and ordered a coffee and talked to the waitress about her amazing Amber colored eyes. This darling girl waits on me a lot when I’m there. Her eyes, are stunning and I always tell her so. You know what a sucker I am for pretty eyes. Fernanda soon arrived and I gave her a Happy Birthday hug. We sat and caught up before we ordered our food. I told her to close her eyes as I stood up to give her our birthday gift. I took out the purple jar of glitter that I had in my purse and started sprinkling it all over her head and told her it was from you. She was laughing, and crying, and was covered in all things Purple and Sparkly. I laughed while doing this today as I thought of you and knew how much you would have loved to be a part of something like this. I then gave her the locket of you. I cannot remember what Fernanda said, but there were a lot of tears involved and a lot of words flying out of her mouth. I get easily distracted by her beautiful Spanish accent and her words just kind of flew over my head. I know she told me that it was the most special gift she has ever received, how much it meant to her and some other things. I heard her words, but most of all, I just felt. I felt something else than pain. It may have been a feeling of happiness. Just a tiny bit. The tiny bit of happiness that I now cling to like I am holding on to for dear life. Because I am. I am holding on for dear life, that happiness will once again, be a part of me.

After I left Fernanda covered in glitter and my lipgloss all over her cheek, I ran home to take care of a few things. Lots of things. Lots of important but not really important things that fill my days. There are so many of those things now. All the things that come with the responsibility that I cannot just abandon because I just don’t care anymore. As much as I don’t care, I still have a responsibility to take care of things around here. Our house is so freaking clean and organized that I don’t even have laundry to do, Ro. Pathetic. I only wish that I were going crazy because of the millions of messes that I was cleaning up after you. You drawing on the walls, you spitting your food out across the table because you knew it drove me crazy, you climbing up the refrigerator and shoving food into your mouth, you taking a bath a pouring water all over the sides or splashing so much that I would have been drenched from head to toe. I wished for those days back, so badly.

I drove out to see Dr. Rachel today. The therapist your Daddy and I see. He couldn’t make it, so I went and saw her alone. It was good. It gave me a chance to fill her in on the life before I married your Daddy. A little bit of background. She wants to know why I’m so hard on myself. Where that stems from. She wanted to talk about the guilt that I seem to be consumed with. She wanted to talk about a lot of things but also said she didn’t want to undo any of my other individual therapy that I am doing. She respected my boundaries which I very much appreciated. I have a little bit of a guard up with her and I’m not sure why. I guess it could have to do with the fact that your Daddy and I both see her. It was glad to let her in a little bit. I would like to be able to let her in more, but I think it’s going to take some time.

Lots more to say tonight, but I’ve got an early morning run calling my name. Ro. Please help me out. I saw you on my run this morning; that little hummingbird that decided to show up, right when I wanted to stop. I didn’t stop. I hope you’ll be around tomorrow. I’ve got to get my running Mojo back if I’m going to kick this P.F. Changs Half-Marathons butt. Any extra push you can give me tomorrow would be great.

I love you to the moon and back. I miss you more than anything in the world. I am so lucky you were mine, for as long as I had you. You will change my life in ways that I’m not even aware of because I am stuck in this thick fog which you will help me out of, when I am ready. I know this. G’nite sweet boy. I hope you are safe. A million kisses to you. I’ll bet you miss my kisses so much you wouldn’t dare tell me, “IT’S NOT A KISSING DAY!!!!”

I love you, my not spicy, monkey boy.

xoxo