I was never going to be ready for today.





Ronan. I was not prepared for today. I was not ready for today. But today happened anyway. It started off pretty normal. A normal check up at Dr. Schwartz’s office. I didn’t even have to see her, I just had to sit in a chair for a good 45 minutes so Poppy’s heartbeat and movements could be monitored. Just routine stuff that I’m having to do, twice a week now. It’s always quiet in this room and it’s easy for me to relax and get lost in my thoughts. Today, I thought alright. Of course about you. I was sitting there listening to your sister’s heart beat and she seemed to be moving non stop the entire time. I know she doesn’t have much room and there, but she doesn’t seem to care. Her movements are strong and never seem to stop. I had a flashback to that time I was at Sloan with you. We were back in a room and they had you hooked up to a machine  where we had to listen and track your heart for a couple of hours. I remember being up on the bed with you, holding you and trying to keep you entertained. You soon fell asleep in my arms. The next thing I knew, I was laying there with you but I was silently crying. I remember I was so overcome with emotion over sitting there listening to your little heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and I knew how lucky I was that it was still beating. We didn’t know at this time that your cancer was spreading, but I was just so grateful for your little beating heart. I hated that you were strapped up to a monitor when you should have been just out and about playing like a normal, healthy 3-year-old but I found the beauty in our day, anyway. I’ll never forget that day with you. It sticks out in my mind all the time. Today, listening to your Poppy sister I was taken right back to that day and the tears seemed endless.

I got out of my doctor’s appointment after a couple of hours. They were way behind today and I came home for a sight that I was not ready for. Your daddy and I have talked for a couple of weeks about taking the furniture out of your room to have it refinished to the color that will match Poppy’s crib. I came home to your daddy who had informed me that the people refinishing your things, would be at our house to pick everything up in a few hours. This meant drawers had to be emptied, toys dumped out, clothes moved, stuffed animals pulled out from the storage area under you bed, etc…Your daddy asked if I could empty out your dresser. I started crying and simply just told him, “No.” He did it. He did most of it. By the time the people got to our house your little room had been completely torn apart and I could do nothing but sit on the couch and cry. The lady working with us could not have been sweeter as your daddy had explained our situation to her on the phone so she understood what was going on. She told me how she had some bad luck, too as she lost one of her sons at 17 and also one as an infant. I could hardly get two words out as I was trying my hardest to somewhat control my sobbing. Your daddy was the one who told her he was sorry and did the rest of the talking as I just sat there in a cry fest trance. Your little room that I’m pretty sure I had made up in my mind, would never be touched, has totally been taken apart. I know we are going to put your things back but it still does not make any of this easier.

I sat in your room for a long time today. On one of your mattresses. I sat on the phone and cried to the couple of people I talked to. Thanks, Meg and Stace. I told them both how I was staring at your side of the empty room where your bed once was but now the only thing left there were a few of your Star Wars guys that had clearly fallen off of your bed because you would always insist of sleeping with 50 of them. I texted with Fernanda a bit. She is going to come over tomorrow to help me figure out how we are going to put your room back together while making it Poppy friendly, too. I am lucky to have such good friends who are truly there for me at all times. I am so lucky in that regard and so thankful.

The past couple of days, my emotions have been building up. It was your Sparky’s birthday. I remember his birthday from a couple of years ago when we were in New York. You made me take an extra special picture of you to send to him just for his day. It’s one of my favorite pictures of you, even though your body was all marked up with a Sharpie Pen from your radiation and your little arm was hurting so badly that they tried to make you wear it in a sling which you of course refused to do. The smile on your face was priceless and your eyes were so bright and beautiful as I was taking this picture. They were shining like diamonds. You were so excited to take this picture and send it to him. We called to tell him, “Happy Birthday!!” and I remember you saying this in your squeaky little voice that was full of so much love and happiness. As always, I did my best to try not to be sad on his birthday but I wished more than anything that it was you sitting by my side as I watched your Sparkly open up our gift and two cards. One card from me and one from the both of us. I of course signed your name on the card I picked out from you, to him. You would have liked it and called the card, “cute.” I sat and watched your Sparkly read our words and open our gift. I watched as he chuckled at something while the corners of his eyes got wet. It’s a sight I’m so used to seeing with him. That bittersweet happiness that I know all too well.  I did my best on his day, for you but it was still hard to hold it together without you by my side. I know your Poppy sister will help with things like this when she makes her little entrance into the world. Maybe days like this will become easier and help with the sadness because the happiness I know she is going to make others feel is going to be infectious. Next year it will be nice to have her by my side on days like your Sparkly’s birthday.

I spent much of the day and evening crying. Today was a hard day to get through. I literally went to bed telling myself, “You made it through today and you didn’t die. The pain didn’t kill you.” I’m always so amazed that it doesn’t. The sick joke is I know what I’m waking up to tomorrow and how none of this ever goes away. I don’t get to escape this. I still have to wake up to your totally disassembled bedroom that I said I would never touch. I was never going to be ready for today. You can never be ready for something like this.

I’m tired but restless. Of course, I’m not sleeping well. It’s because of my not sleeping well at night that I’ve noticed that we have this fucking bird outside of our bedroom that seriously sings all day and all night long. I don’t understand this as it’s only something that has started a couple of months ago. What kind of bird, sings all night long? It’s annoying to me and I don’t feel like hearing it’s song. Tweety bird, tweety bird please shut up. Between that and your empty room I’m surprised I’m not outside stalking this bird with my BB gun. That is totally a very Maya Danger thing that would have happened last year when I was in my Danger Baby phase. I’ve been stalking this bird to try to find out where it is hiding but I’ve only been stalking from it from the inside of our house. My body is too tired to truly investigate. Stupid bird.

Time to go, little man. It’s late and I need to try to get a little sleep before I have to start today all over again, tomorrow.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


P.S. Thank you, Taylor for what you did tonight. You are such a light that keeps me going even on my hardest of days. I know Ronan is so proud of you for all you are doing. So am I. I love you.


Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.
Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.

38 responses to “I was never going to be ready for today.”

  1. Ronan always seemed to have a smile on his face despite going through absolute hell. He inspires me to smile no matter what and helps me to appreciate life in a way that don’t think I would have if I hadn’t been introduced to the two of you through this blog.

  2. I read your post and I see his face and I think…You are the most loving caring Mother I have ever read. Your words are heartbreaking, yet poignant and raw. The truth, your reality, your deepest love and eternal grief, I admit is sometimes hard to read, to swallow and they resonate within me. I admire you….YES YOU…and I often wonder how does a mother, this beautiful woman deal with all of this! Yet, you do, day by day, moment by moment. Please rest, just chill, and soon you will have another bundle of love and joy to love. Something tells me Ronan will LOVE the new look in his room. Peace to you and yours. I wish I could give you a hug everyday, and I’m doing that right now ((((huggg))).

  3. This post brought so many tears to my eyes. The heartbeats got me. Oh, how I understand the bliss you feel at the sound of your child’s heart beating.
    That is my favorite picture of Ronan. He is such a light. Hugs to you.

  4. That must have been so painful love. I bet Ro is going to love their new room. Maya I love you dear. I think of Ronan every. Single. Day!!! Every day!! I look around at the beauty in my world and think of him. I watch my three year old play and think of Ronan. I see Star Wars toys at target….the list goes on. Your son was and is beautiful and has touched thousands if hearts and now thousands of people carry him around every day 😉
    And yes Taylor you are amazing and have the most loving heart!

  5. Tears Maya. Tears while drinking my mid morning coffee. Your words bring memories; both sad and scary, compassion, a deep loyal love for a family I’ve never met and oh so much. I remember the twice a week non stress tests so beautiful and frightening all at once. Often, so many things swirl through my mind as I read your words that it makes my words jumble into a mess that I can’t unscramble. Much love to you all, always. I also cannot help but wonder what Taylor has done this time…. : ) Freakin love her.

    1. Awww…I saw what Taylor did at her concert. Awesome-Love-Heartwarming!!! She rocks.

  6. I know this sounds strange- but the first thing I thought of when I read about the birds. Is maybe its a sign from Ronan? I know from reading your posts you’ve been struggling during your pregnancy and maybe this is his way of telling you he’s always with you? I don’t even know if I believe in things like that but that’s the first thing that popped into my head.
    I’m so sorry that this happened to Ronan. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Ps- when do you think we will hear about the White House petition?

    1. I kind of thought that about the bird too, but then wasn’t sure that Ronan would be trying to annoy his beautiful momma that way. : )

  7. That beautiful little face still takes my breath away…those eyes… What you wrote about the heartbeats is so very powerful and beautiful. I cannot even imagine how hard today was, and it just makes me admire you even more. Can’t wait til Poppy gets here 🙂

  8. Happy Birthday Mr. Sparkly! 🙂

    Love, love that picture of Ro! His eyes are shining like Diamonds in the sky! He shines bright like a diamond! Rockstar Ro! Always RoLove! xo

    I can’t wait until Poppy makes her entrance into your arms…into your family…so you can all love her up. So you can smile again if even a little more. So your eyes can shine like Ro’s – like Diamonds! My heart aches for you…for Ro!

    I can’t imagine how hard today was, but once you get it all set back up I’m sure you’ll feel like it’s complete again.

    Taylor is RoMazing!

  9. maya, i effing love you and your precious baby boy. someday i’m going to come and see you.

  10. Maya, that bird is Ronan. He’s singing to you- he always loved music- why wouldn’t it be him, sharing his little song with you? He’s letting you know he’s still here and he’s OK- he’s watching over you. xxx

  11. Maya, I half agree with these ladies. That bird could very well be Ronan. (:
    Keeping you & your family in my thoughts. So very excited to hear when Poppy makes her grand appearance. I know she will bring happiness to your family, friends & blog army. I share this blog with everyone I come in contact with. My little girls know all about Ronan. Warm thoughts & smothering internet hugs coming your way.

  12. Who is Sparkly exactly? Does anyone know? I’ve always wondered.

    1. She has never said but said in a blog once she wants to keep it private.

  13. Maya have your hubby hang a plastic snake or some kind of plastic toy outside of your window. That aught to scare the bird away. That or dynamite……….

  14. Hi Maya, Thank-you again for spreading your love, strength and meaningful expressions through writing. I have enjoyed following your blog through both tears and smiles for many, many reasons. I love all photos you post of Ronan. He is stunningly beautiful. I also wanted to comment on the “stupid bird” because we have the same situation of all day and night singing here in San Diego. I’ve been told it is a mockingbird.

  15. Maya your such an inspiration !
    Love Ro’s smile !
    Love youuuuuu !

  16. Jesus I’m a mess after that picture of ronan seriously all these children are so amazing smiling away through it all. Utterly heart breaking!!! Also Obama answer the fucking petition already!! I’m going to bed seriously upset and pissed off with a wet pillow. This is wrong!!!! Money being wasted by shit heads around the world on materialistic shit and countries wasting billions on ammunition etc!!!! Cure cancer somebody please!!!!! 😦

    Good night beautiful ronan you will always be loved and remembered by those who were lucky enough to know you and those who never got to meet you but love you so much thanks to your mama for sharing your story with us. Your my little baby hero!!

  17. Hi Maya, Just wanted to thank you for sharing your posts. I think your writings are so honest, powerful, and important. They will serve you well when you need to go back and read them but I hope this will not occur for a very long time. One of your followers/friends described the photo you posted of Ronan with his Sparky’s birthday smile as stunningly beautiful which is so true. Also, it is painfully beautiful. I am a new follower of your blog and when you feel up to it, I would love to know more about Rockstar Ronan’s personality.

    1. I apologize. I meant to type Sparkly birthday smile.

  18. So many tears after reading this and seeing the most beautiful and amazing picture of Ronan…im so so sorry…

  19. Dearest Maya,what a beautiful,heartbreaking,powerful,”make you cry” post you just wrote its the kind of writing that lets you without a word,because its power touches you so deeply.But once again,we can feel your strenght expressing,what a strenght you have and we feel it,only you have the secrets of that strenght that is yours,iam wondering sometimes where that strenght you have comes from,thats a beautiful mistery just like Mr Sparky Eyes,iam always wondering who he is;i hope we could know who he is someday.These are the secrets of your heart,dont forget that your heart is full of treasures and only you have the keys to your heart.By the way,i really hope your little beautiful/adorable/cute/very special twins can hold you so tight when you have these moments of tears that seem to occur many times but dont worry Dearest Maya,you and Ronan are and will always be like diamonds in the sky because of that love between both of you,you and Ronan will always shine bright like diamonds,that love you have for each other is stronger than anything but please Dearest Maya,take care of you the best as you can;for little Poppy;we want you in the best conditions for her so please no insomnia or stress.Dont worry Maya you have treasures inside your heart,and only you have the keys of your heart.Feeling Ronan’s love,always.Sending love and hopes to your adorable beautiful family.

  20. My thoughts exactly !!! its Ro singing to you and letting you know he is Safe , you always make me cry , but also make me feel better as I go through my grief knowing I am not insane with my emotions , tears and feelings. I too wonder who Mr Sparkly is ?

  21. Maya thank you sharing your world with us…I admire your strength, appreciate your honesty…you write the things that I am thinking sometimes…I love this picture of Ronan…man his spirit shines so brightly and shows in his eyes and his smile.

  22. Hi Maya!
    Thinking of you today and always.
    I absolutely love the picture of Ronan. I love that he has soooooo many star wars guys around him, made me giggle. 🙂

  23. Did that sling have any dinosaurs on it?

  24. Hope the bird leaves you alone so you can sleep. We had one that would begin hitting the windows at the first crack of light at dawn. So irritating. I wish I could tell you what to do for the all night sing bird.

  25. My heart is just wrecked from this post. I’m so so sorry that you are going through all this. You are so strong though. Wow, so strong. Sending you thoughts of calm and some rest from WA.

  26. Oh Maya – sending you hugs and hope!! My husband moved our son Sawyer’s things while I was out of town. We had discussed it but I still was not prepared. I walked in and out of the room several times before I started screaming.

    FU CANCER!!!!

  27. You are a beautiful mother with incredible strength. Your boys must be extremely proud of you and love you to bits! I’m so, so sorry that Ronan died… everytime I come and check on your updates, I am just so overcome with grief and tears – like he was my own child… because his mortality makes me think about my own children and how precious, spectacular and wonderful they are to me. Every child is special and unique… Take care Maya and lots of luck on the birth of your beautiful healthy newborn daughter. Dont worry… everything will be ok -you have a beautiful family to take care of and they need you, just as much as you need them!

  28. I’m 14 and I’m getting braces next week
    And I was wondering what Ronan’s favourite colours were so I could get my braces those colours?

  29. Aw. I can’t wait to hear all about Poppy when she’s born. 🙂
    thanks for sharing your thoughts in this blog. It made me appreciate my life a lot more. someday, i hope someone actually finds the cure for cancer. -.-

  30. You are so honest – deep down gut wrenching honest & I can imagine most moms would feel the same way you do in your shoes. I cannot imagine the heartbreaking loss you & your family have had to endure, Ronan – you can just tell he was someone incredibly special just by looking at his pictures. Maya, I wish you a smooth delivery of your Poppy girl & I hope she brings you great joy – I think you are right in thinking she was sent by Ronan. I see the post right above – Ronan’s favorite color was purple, love that, it’s mine & my 4 year olds too 🙂 Cancer sucks. I hate cancer.

  31. Maya, I thought of Ronan on Saturday. We went to see Taylor in Columbia, SC. I took my daughter and my best friend and her daughter. It was raining as we left Augusta. I immediately thought of Ronan. He was there with Taylor! I was also able to share his story with my bestie! Taylor was fabulous as always! She is so beautiful and has such a sweet spirit! I was hoping that she would sing “Ronan” though! However, I just sang it to myself!

  32. I’ve been reading your blog since almost the beginning. I can’t even remember how I came across it. I’m not even a mother.

    You. Ronan. You both inspire me on a daily basis. Your strength and spiciness is awe inspiring!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laughed at your spunkiness. Your truth.

    I miss Ronan and I’ve never even met the kid!! Those eyes and that smile are just intoxicating!!! Lol

    Your LIST…. It inspired me to make some huge life changes. Ronan inspired me to make the necessary changes to be happy.

    How awesome is that he can inspire a girl he has never even met???

    I just had to say hi finally and let you know I think of you and your beautiful family and friends often! I’m so proud of the person you are!!!!!

    Best of luck with the arrival of Miss Poppy!!!
    🙂 Pamela Adkins

  33. When I read this post with the bird the first thing I thought of was my Granny. She adored butterflies and when she died it was almost winter,but I swear there were butterflies everywhere. And I knew it was her. Maybe the little bird is Ro telling you he’s happy with the changes. ❤

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