IT’S HERE!!! Click on the link below to order. We are so excited!
IT’S HERE!!! Click on the link below to order. We are so excited!
Hi my loves,
I know an update is way overdue. I promise to get to that this week. Things are BUSY. So busy. Kid busy. Book busy. Foundation busy. Life busy. SEPTEMBER IS CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH BUSY. We know how many of you bleed GOLD year-round, but it’s time to step it up for September. We have some exciting things coming up. We will once again be doing our BE BOLD GO GOLD challenge and we hope you will participate as well. In case you need a little reminder of why we do what we do or you just want some facts to scream about, let me remind you…
CANCER KILLS MORE CHILDREN IN THE U.S THAN ANY OTHER DISEASE
80% OF CHILDREN HAVE METASTASIZED DISEASE AT TIME OF DIAGNOSIS
CHILDHOOD CANCER RECEIVES LESS THAN 4% OF U.S FEDERAL FUNDING
Childhood cancer research is vastly and consistently underfunded.
Childhood cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children under the age of 19 in the U.S.
One in 285 children in the U.S. will be diagnosed with cancer by the time they are 20 years old.
Every year, an estimated 250,000+ new cases of cancer affect children under the age of 20 worldwide.
Two-thirds of childhood cancer patients will have long lasting chronic conditions from treatment.
Childhood cancer is not just one disease. It is made up of 12 major types and over 100 subtypes.
So beyond unacceptable. There are so many foundations and people working hard to change this, but the fact of the matter is children are still dying and treatments are still barbaric. Last week, The Ronan Thompson Foundation made a decision. As you know one of our favorite foundations is Solving Kids’ Cancer based out of New York City. We have collaborated with them in the past and believe in everything they are doing. They came to us with an opportunity to help change front line therapy for Neuroblastoma. We have agreed to commit 200k to this project over the next 4 years. We are so inspired and hopeful. We hope you know none of this would be possible without all of YOU and people like our friends over at TIC CUP who last week, raised 38k for us at one of their amazing golf tournaments! We are so excited to put this money to good use and we are forever thankful for the support. We have been able to fund so many incredible things in the past and we are so excited for our next venture with Solving Kids Cancer. Stay tuned for more details.
Also, my dear friend, Samya over at Firedaughter Clothing has been working her ass off to get us ready for September. We will have new shirts and hats available early this week, hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday.
I promise more of an update later. In the meantime, get your September on!!!
“Children deserve a chance to live. They deserve to have the chance to grow up – something that so many of us take for granted.”
So, I’ve been in a little bit of a funk this week. Just off a bit. Feeling angry at the world and at the fuckwad who decided to take my son away from me. Yes, almost 7 years later and I still have times where I am pissed. I want to hide from the holidays. They are still so very hard without Ronan here, not just on me but on all of us. We will go back to Washington because that is my safe place and where we all want to be. My mom will take us all in and wrap us up in her love which includes taking some of the pressure off of me. I will watch 3 of my 4 kids open their gifts on Christmas morning while watching my step-dad wipe the corner of his eyes because Ronan is not with us. This happens every year and every year it is just at gut wrenching as the last. Holidays never get easier and anyone that says they do is full of shit. I want to hide from the world. The only thing keeping me going are my kids (Ronan included) because they are my reminder that I have to be better, stronger and continue to fight for a cause that gets so very little attention.
I watched a bullying thing go viral and every celebrity seemed to step up behind that cause and rally behind one certain child last week. Overnight this cause raised 60k and I’m like where the fuck is that money going? Is it going solve the bullying problem? I’ve “heard” the family plans to donate the money to anti-bullying causes. And yes, that’s great. But the fact still remains that we raised thousands of dollars and pulled together to create amazing memories like movie premieres and sports games and trips…while a child is diagnosed with cancer every 2 minutes… No one ever hears about them. No one seems to care. How is that fair? How have we let that be possible? Why is no one listening?
60k is a lot of money and that amount of money was raised in just one night. 60k in the childhood cancer world could literally help fund a trial that possibly could give a child another Christmas or maybe even another chance at life. This viral video made me want to punch a wall. I tossed and turned in bed and yelled and cried to Woody about the fact that nothing in the world ever seems to go viral as far as childhood cancer goes. Except when Taylor Swift stands up for it but even when she does it doesn’t start a wildfire and get every other celebrity to stand up for it the way other causes do, such as bullying. Why is this? Is it because of the way childhood cancer is “too sad to look at,” as I hear so many people say. Or because people feel like it’s too much reality and they can’t take on a cause that is just “too much reality?”
So many kids are bullied and I understand that it is a serious problem and I’m not here to take away from that. No child should be bullied. No adult should be bullied. I could write a book about all the names I have been called. All the death threats I have gotten and still to this day get. People can be fucking assholes, kids can be so cruel and until parents start doing a better job of raising their kids, bullies are going to exist. It’s our job as parents to teach our kids not to bully in the first place and to also teach them skills to stand up to these bullies. It is also our job to step in and do whatever we need to do to protect our children and any other child who is being bullied. As I said before, I am not trying to take away from this issue, but I would be a liar if I sat here and said that I wish the world of childhood cancer would get the attention it so badly needs because HELLO CHILDHOOD CANCER IS THE NUMBER ONE DISEASE KILLER OF CHILDREN!
And yes, because it killed my child and so many others that I know and yes because I am one very still pissed off mother fighting for a cause that nobody wants to take on… until they find the courage or it happens to them I guess. Sorry, that’s not good enough for me so I’ll just sit here and do whatever I can to continue this fight and right now that means finishing my book, donating all of your hard earned money to clinical trials that are saving lives and being an advocate for the rest of my fucking life because Ronan and so many other kids deserve so much better.
Speaking of other kids, I have someone I want you guys to meet and this is another one of the reasons I’ve had such a riled up week. This is my friend, Ethan. Something about him reminds me so much of Ro. He has Neuroblastoma and started out his treatment at Phoenix Children’s Hospital. I reached out when he was first diagnosed and chatted via email with his mom. I offered support but also told her I didn’t want to overstep my bounds as I am fully aware that being a mom of a newly diagnosed child, our story is a hard one to hear.
Ethan and his family ended up packing up their lives and moving Ethan to Seattle Children’s Hospital as his mom is from the Washington State area. I didn’t hear anything from his mom for about eight months, until last week. Last week she reached out and asked if I would be willing to talk to her. Of course I said yes and talk we did. For hours. And since then there has been more talking and texting and I can’t stop thinking about Ethan and their family and I feel so helpless.
I am heartbroken for multiple reasons. Ethan is doing well. He is responding to treatment but they have a long road ahead of them and he has been through so much. Both of his parents are professionals. Ethan’s father has a law degree and Sabina, his mom was a professor at Arizona State University, but because of the toll this disease takes in every way, they stand to lose everything. I keep going back to that 60k that was raised for the kid who was bullied and I am standing back watching this family fight for the life of their child while trying to figure out how to put food on the table.
There’s enough empathy to go around–we can not want kids to be bullied AND want to solve cancer for kids. But with one viral video, this kid’s life has changed. Meanwhile, kids like Ethan are going through horrific cancer treatments, missing out on being a normal kid, while his family is struggling to even pay their normal bills, let alone the cost of cancer treatment.
If kids like Ethan got half the attention of that viral video, it wouldn’t just make them feel special. It could literally save their life. That’s what people keep missing. It isn’t about likes and shares and popularity…but when it comes to childhood cancer, awareness DOES save lives. It doesn’t just make you feel good for awhile. It can create new treatments, keep families together as they travel all over the country trying to save their kid’s life, and keep a child from dying.
THAT’s why it matters. That’s why sharing posts and spreading the word and fundraising counts. That’s why I’m sitting here, looking at 3 kids playing together when it should always be 4, wondering why the world stays silent on childhood cancer.
Sometimes I wonder if people had been more outspoken about childhood cancer sooner, if I’d still have my son. What if we’d crowdfunded for the treatment that could’ve saved him?
This Christmas, I can’t buy my Ro presents. I can’t see him open presents with his brothers and sister or eat breakfast Christmas morning. A holiday card has long gone out the window for our family–because our family isn’t complete without Ronan. But here’s what I can do: I can keep screaming for families like Ethan’s. I can teach my kids bullying is wrong AND fight to save lives. I can work as hard as I can until people start listening.
So, if you’re going to share something viral on Facebook, I’m begging you: Let’s make it this. Ethan is 6 and loves Star Wars. His family is struggling. They need us: https://www.gofundme.com/littleethan
And if you don’t want to donate to his go fund me page, please flood him with whatever support you can. You can send cards, gifts or gift cards here:
22510 93rd Place West, Edmonds, WA 98020
Please share this post with everyone you can. If you live in the Seattle area, please email me if you have any connections to make this guys life a little bit easier.
You can also follow Ethan’s progress on his caring bridge page:https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/littleethan
Thank you all for still being here. Thank you for anything you can do for Ethan and his family.
Ronan. Remember that time that I said I was going to actively start writing on this blog again and then months went by without me writing a word? Me too. This life without you feels like I’m on a non-stop hamster wheel that I cannot seem to get off of.
Everything is so busy. And in between busy I’ve been working non stop on this book that I just cannot seem to let go of because in my mind, it’s never going to be good enough. I am constantly second guessing myself, but day after day I continue to write and put in the work. Any free time I have belongs to your book. And by free time I mean waiting for the oil to get changed in my car, waiting for an appointment, sitting in a parking lot in between school drop offs… my laptop is out and I am writing. And when I am not writing, I am writing in my head or in the notes section on my phone or in the 1 out of 7,000 notebooks or journals that I carry around with me at all times. The only time I can seem to quiet my mind is at the 80 minute hot yoga class that I have been taking which is currently saving my life. And even when I am there, I have to actively force my mind to shut the fuck up. I know I went insane a long time ago but this kind of insane, the one where you are reliving your real life worst nightmare all over again by writing the story down is a totally different type of beast. It is this self inflicted kind of torture that should have killed me by now, but because I am so stubborn I refuse to let it. I’ve stopped and started this book so many times. I’ve hated it. Erased words. Ripped up pages and thrown them in the trash. Re read my words and sobbed because sometimes I can’t believe they are my own and sometimes I can’t believe how good they are. I’ve hated myself. Loved myself. Been so proud of myself but I also have that layer of self doubt that always seems to be lingering about. The only thing keeping me going is your sweet little face that I see at the end of the finish line. This is for you. All of my blood, sweat, tears, vomit…. all of my self doubt because who the fuck am I?
I am not a writer.
Today, I had one of those days where I cried over everything. I had some stupid errands to run but it was the type of day where everything felt hard, even just a simple trip to the UPS store. I was feeling overwhelmed, a little sorry for myself and I was truly just missing you. A few days ago my agent put me in contact with someone who said she could help take a look at this book. I had a phone call with her and she agreed to take a look at things. I told her I would send her everything but I warned her that it was still really messy and asked her to please ignore all holes that needed to be filled in.
As I was pulling out of the UPS store where my mind was so foggy that I seriously lost my car keys for 35 minutes before finding them in a weird part of my yoga bag that apparently eats keys, I got a text from the person I had sent my book to. It said:
“Maya. Reading and crying and crying and reading. You are a fantastic writer. It needs a little polish but it is so raw and articulate.”
As I read her words, my stomach dropped and I had to pull over. I read her words over and over again as the tears poured down my face. Hearing those words from this stranger today, who lives in the literary world meant everything to me. You know what I decided today, Ronan?
I am a fucking writer and I have the most heart wrenching, beautiful story to tell all because of you. I think deep down I’ve always been a writer but it was you who led me here. I am trying my hardest to make you so very proud and I promise to finish what I’ve started. I am so very close. Thank you for constantly pushing me through this process. Because of you, I can do hard things and I can do them well, even when I think I suck.
I love you so much.
G’nite, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. I still don’t sleep well. Six years later and you’d think I’d have this under control by now, but I don’t. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever sleep well again. I used to make myself black out with Ambien. I stopped doing that years ago because I swear it made me suicidal. More so than I already was. So now when I can’t sleep I lie awake and think about all the reasons I can’t sleep…the biggest one being because of the absence of you.
And my usual questions.
Where are you?
Who is taking care of you?
Why isn’t it me?
Are you ok?
Are you still trying to find me the way I am always trying to find you?
I toss and turn and cry and scream in my head. I listen to make sure Poppy is breathing because yes I still co-sleep with her because it’s the only way I can make sure she doesn’t die in her sleep. I check on your brothers, too. I wander up and down our hallway. I sometimes read. I try to stay off of my phone because that only stimulates my mind. Sometimes I work on my book during these early morning hours. I think about you so much and how everything still hurts. Every part of me aches for you. I have some things that comfort me… but mostly I just continue to suffer. Especially during the nights when all things are still and quiet, except for my restless mind.
I went to New York for our Runway Heroes Fashion Show a couple of weeks ago. I took Liam and Poppy with me. We had around 20 kids who either have cancer or are in remission walk in it. All of those kids and then there was your sister, Poppy. She walked down the runway in honor of you. I wasn’t sure how she was going to do. She refused to show my her “runway” walk saying it was a surprise and I wouldn’t get to see it until the day of the show. At four years old, she is so sassy and bright. I often feel as if I am dealing with a teenager. I sat on the edge of my seat as she came down the runway towards me. She looked so proud up there and as if what she was doing was so important to her. There was no way I could stop my tears from falling as I watched not only her, but all the other kids as well.
This all started because of you. So many incredible things in this world are because of you, Ronan. I met a woman at the Runway Heroes who was running the New York City Marathon the very next day in honor of you. She raised almost 6k and I have to tell you, things such as that keep me going more than I think anybody knows. I was so in awe of her the way you had inspired her to do such an incredible thing. You are still helping people and pushing people to continue to live their lives doing the most amazing things. Val talked a bit in her blog about how it was you that carried her though the finish line. 26.2 miles all because of one little boy who is still not done changing the world. I am so proud to be your mom.
Poppy told me after the fashion show that being in it was one of the most special days of her life. I told you she is not from this world. She understands things with such depth and soul. Liam told me that he was so glad to finally see what the Runway Show was all about because it’s all I talk about for months before hand. He told me how he knew you would be so proud of it. I was so thankful to have him there with us. The three of us had a great time, I missed Quinn like crazy but he was back home playing basketball. Liam took the weekend off and I know the time in New York was so good for him. I took him back to Delizia’s where we used to eat pizza. We talked about being there with you. He told me he remembered everything about being there with you. Poppy had a million questions.
“Where would you sit, with Ronan mama?”
” What would Ronan order?”
“How many times would you eat there?”
“Did Ronan like pepperoni or would he just eat cheese pizza like me?”
“Did he have hair when he would come here or was he bald?”
“Why didn’t the medicine make him better?”
“Is he sad that he isn’t with us?”
The questions went on and on. I answered them all without crying. I felt like you would be happy that we were back there and because of that I was o.k.
It’s 2 a.m. I have to be up soon. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I will write again soon.
I love you, Ro.
Ronan. You are not 4 and you are not here.
I am so aware of the fact that you never got the chance to turn 4 and it haunts me daily. Because of this I often feel as if I live in a world where I am complety consumed with the fact that Poppy is 4. This age of 4 is so precious to me and it hurts on a level that is such a complex mixture of beauty and pain.
You didn’t get to turn 4 but you almost did.
You didn’t get to turn 4 but your baby sister did.
I threw her a 4th birthday party complete with barn yard animals and all. I sang her “Happy Birthday,” helped her blow out her candles and it was impossible not to think of you. I smiled through my tears. I loved on her and held her tightly all through out the day. I cried myself to sleep once her party ended and she was safely tucked away in bed, sound asleep. I woke up the next day with an emotional hang over the size of Donald Trump’s ego, but somehow did the day and did it well just like I manage to do most days now. Not all days, but most.
I am aware every day while walking Poppy in and out of school that I never got to hold your little 4-year-old hand, but I am holding hers. Her hand feels extra sweet to me. Extra delicate like at any moment it could be taken away. The loss of you has made me hyper sensitive to all of her 4-year-old moments. Her 4-year-old lips that I am so lucky to kiss. Her 4-year-old hair that I get to brush. Her 4-year-old laugh that I get to hear. I savor it all, even when she is sooooo sassy that I want to pull my hair out. Every second with her is so precious and I know a lot of that is because I never got to have any of those 4-year-old moments with you.
I wonder if it will always be this way with her or if it’s just this way now because you were so close to turning 4. Either way the loss of you continues to impact me daily even though it has been over six years since your death. Time heals all wounds will always be such bullshit to me. Maybe some wounds aren’t meant to be healed. And that doesn’t make me weak, it makes me stronger than I ever knew I was capable of being.
I’m writing at my favorite book store tonight and a little girl who looks be about 10 just walked by me, gave me a smile and her head was completely bald. I’m having one of those moments where I’m like, “Is this real life or just a dream?” It’s real because I can taste my tears and feel the pinch I just gave my arm. I think I’ll go home now.
G’nite, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
These are going to fly so get your orders in! For each of the shirts, you can select the option of having the foundation logo on the back. Also, you have the option of having a different design on whatever shirt you fancy. Happy Gold shopping, my loves!!
September is here and it’s time to kick and scream and fight cancer for kids. Get your GOLD on! We’re kicking off Childhood Cancer Awareness Month with a bang & a sparkle! Throughout September, we’re turning ourselves into spicy, gold human billboards for childhood cancer awareness and want YOU to join us!
Donate here: https://ronanfoundation.org/campaign/3LKR2XK4
Buy merchandise here: https://beboldgogold.itemorder.com
Deck yourself out in GOLD and talk to people about childhood cancer! (take photos, of course and tag #BEBOLDGOGOLD)
Ronan. I still have insomnia. You would think after all this time my sleep would have gotten better, but it really hasn’t. Every night when I lie in bed, I lie awake for hours sometimes until 2 or 3 in the morning. I still sleep with Poppy. If I am going to lie awake at night, I prefer to do it next to her so I can hear her breathing or I can reach out to touch her warm little body so I know she is still alive. I live for the moments in the middle of the night when she is half awake half asleep and she grabs my face and says, “I love you, mommy.” Also, I don’t want to hear any shit about co-sleeping from anyone because as far as I’m concerned it is the best thing ever and I wish I would have done it with all of my kids. Once you were diagnosed with cancer, you were always in my bed. I wish I would have had you in my bed the years before your diagnoses, when you were perfectly healthy or so we thought. It just would have meant more time with you and had I known our time together was going to be so short I would have co-slept with you and soaked up every second we had together.
Nights around here are rough. My thoughts are still consumed by you. Lately it has been what would 10-year-old Ronan have been like? I wonder what you would look like. What you would sound like. Would your laugh still be mischievous? Would your little voice still squeak? Would you still want to hold my hand and would you still call me mama? Your brothers don’t… they started calling me mom a long time ago. Poppy calls me so many different things. Maya when she’s mad at me(or asshole because I asked for extra spicy). Mom when she’s trying to act big. Mommy when she is scared. Mama when she is being extra sweet and she tops it off by saying, “I know that is what Ronan called you and I know it is your favorite.” Thoughts of you usually consume me for hours at night. I often cry. Or write. And then get up and do laundry because for some reason the sound of the washer and dryer soothe me. I check on your brothers and wander around the house. Sometimes I go into your closet which is now Poppy’s and I smell your clothes. Some of them still smell like you. Or at least the way you liked them to smell which was so clean and fresh.
“Mama! I’m going to wear one of Ronan’s shirts today to school, ok?! Can you come in here! I want to count them.” I walk into your closet just in time to find Poppy pulling your shirts off the hangers one by one.
“One…. two…. three…” all the way until she gets to the last one…”24,” she replies so proudly. Your shirts have been in your/her closet since she was born and she has never asked to wear them. I feel my stomach drop. I try to act all proud of her counting. I try to act supportive of her wearing one of your very boyish shirts. It’s not the boy part that stabs at my heart. It’s the fact that seeing her in one of your shirts is going to emotionally incapacitate me. Just as she takes the one she wants from the pile on the floor, something catches her eye. It’s a pink dress she had forgotten about. “Never mind! I want to wear my pink dress because today pink is my favorite color.” I let out a sigh of relief and gather up all of your shirts on the floor only to hang them back up where they were before. Saved by a pink dress today, but maybe not tomorrow.
I have to work on this book now, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.