Look what you made her do.

Ronan. I could not be more proud right now. Of the person Taylor is and always has been. Her new song. This video. The way she is so self aware and has taken everything that has been thrown at her and turned it into a masterpiece. Not only does she continue to evolve as an artist but as person as well. The levels of depth she has, the layers of herself that she is revealing… I am in constant awe of her but I am never surprised. I’ve known since the first time I looked her in the eyes that not only is she one of the kindest souls on the planet, but she has this inner strength that will take her wherever she wants to fucking go in life. Nobody can stop this girl. And the ones who try are fools. She has a fire in her soul that cannot be contained and a love in her heart that is pure and good.  Those two things are unstoppable and so incredibly inspiring. I am so glad Poppy has her to look up to in this life and I am so thankful for the beautiful love story between you and Taylor that I often tell Poppy at night as a bedtime story. It is one of the sweetest stories I have ever known.

I have to run to a meeting little man. I’ll write more later. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

That time I locked Liam and Quinn in a basement without food or water.

Ronan. I am in awe of all the people who contacted me yesterday about the fact that I wrote on your blog again. When I hit post on my last entry, I got goosebumps all over my entire body. It actually felt really good to post something. I truly have missed writing on here but I needed to take a break for many reasons. Mostly because any free time I’ve had, I’ve been pouring my words into your book and I am still not even done. I’ve been wanting to start-up this blog again because I truly have missed having this as an outlet, but I just needed a little push to do so. I got more than one push from many people so here we are and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions from people wanting to know what I have been doing the past few years, but they also want to know how Liam and Quinn are. The twins are incredible and just turned 14. Even typing that out makes me want to stop and scream, “WHAT?! 14?! THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE 14!” but they are and they are growing into the most amazing young men. You know how you always hear from the “parenting experts” that you shouldn’t be best friends with your kids because for some reason those “experts” think raising kids is black and white and there is only one RIGHT way to do so? Well, it turns out those experts don’t know anything and the only rule worth following is the one that works for your family. Having an honest, open relationship where your brothers know they can come to us with anything has created this family dynamic of us having 14-year-old boys who love us, respect us, and they genuinely enjoy being with us. So when they’re not playing basketball, which by the way is pretty much 7 days a week, they are usually with us. They have a good group of friends they hang out with, but they like to do that at our house and we love that, too. No girls yet… just basketball and that is more than fine with me. They aren’t even into social media much, hate when I post about them on Instagram and are probably going to be pissed when they find out I wrote about them on here so I will stop now.

At 14, they have boundaries and I have always tried to be respectful of what I write on here about them. There is a reason why they are not all over my blog or my social media accounts. So if I don’t talk about them much, please know there is a really good reason for that and it has nothing to do with them being locked in a basement because I love you more. Or Poppy more. Or even myself more as a lot of assholey people like to say. I mean I do love myself a lot because I am fucking awesome, but it doesn’t even come close to how much I love my kids. All 4 of them.

I have to run now little man. I’m trying to finish up a chapter in your book today. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Wait… side note. Did you guys notice my blog got an amazing make over thanks to my two little East Coast agents?! I am almost as in love with it as I am with Taylor Swift’s new song. Thanks, Jord and Rach for the little makeover. What would I do without you?!?!

 

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh, ’cause she’s dead!”

Lyrical little genius she is and I could not be more excited for all that is about to come.

 

Our new little website launch day is today!

Ronan. I miss you so much. I find myself thinking about your 10 year old self so much lately. What would you have been like at 10? What would your voice sound like? What sports would you be playing? Would you still be my little trouble maker? Would you still tell me that I was your very best friend? I would give anything to know these things… I still look for you everywhere. Six years later and I know I won’t ever stop looking for you. I know how ridiculous that sounds… but somewhere in the back of my delusional mind I still think one day you are going to come back home because this was some sick experiment gone wrong. Until that day comes, I’ll never stop looking for you everywhere and in everything that I do.

Things here are busy. Too busy. This book is still keeping me busy. I am trying my best to finish it up, but I won’t put it out into the world until I know it is my best work yet. It’s getting there and I am on a really good place as far as writing goes. I took a little break the past few days to get out of my head a bit. I have Rach and her boyfriend here and we took a little trip to the Grand Canyon to hike it. It was physically one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but as always I got through it because in the back of my mind I hear your little voice pushing me to go on. And I always remember how you will never get to do “hard things” anymore so it’s my job to do them for you. I take you everywhere with me. You are my constant motivation and guide in this fucking fucked up world.

Remember how I always say you left me surrounded by the best people possible? You truly did and one of them is our little Rachel who is here now. Last year when we were in Iceland together she had just started talking to this guy named Jordan. Well, they fell madly in love and in between their love affair full of dance parties and desserts they somehow found the time to build our foundation an entirely new website and it is incredible. We are launching it today and I am in awe of how it turned out. Everything is so easy to navigate and now donating to the foundation is so easy and even comes with an emailed receipt! Talk about LIFE CHANGING for us as an organization. The best part is they did all of this for FREE so we can continue to use our funds to actually help kids rather than spend it on overhead expenses. I am so excited to put this out into the world today. I know it is something you would be so proud of.

I’m not sure if I have any blog readers anymore, but if I do and you want to check it out here is the link to do so…

https://ronanfoundation.org

Ro baby, I have to run and pick up your brothers from basketball camp and then drive them to another basketball camp. I so wish I could be driving you, too. I’m forever sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Calling All Rockstar Models!

 

Coolest thing about being one of Ronan’s rockstars? Making the world a little better and brighter for all the brave little rockstars fighting cancer, which is totally what we’re doing with our favorite event of the year, Runway Heroes!

Here’s where we need you: To make Runway Heroes possible—and raise as much money for kids fighting cancer as we can—we need donations. Since September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, this is the perfect chance to get your gold on, donate to a cause, AND support an event that the kids have a blast participating in. Every $10 adds up, and we promise that every donation goes to supporting kids fighting cancer, and making this day as successful and fun as possible for them. To donate visit runwayheroes.com.

No kid can fight cancer alone. Which is why we’re thankful for every share, comment, and donation. Let’s make this Runway Heroes the best ever.

Featuring childhood cancer fighters and survivors, Runway Heroes raises funding and awareness for pediatric cancer research—while giving the kids an awesome chance to bask in the spotlight. We know Ronan would have loved this, so we’re looking for your help to make it as spicy and successful as possible!

We’re back at Bloomingdales on Saturday, September 10th, for the 3rd annual Runway Heroes, so mark your calendars. Fittings will be held on August 30th and 31st, and each kid will get to pick an outfit of their choice to model (and keep!).

If you know of a kid who should be strutting their stuff on the runway in your community, please register at runwayheroes.com/register. We’re actively looking for models and can’t wait to share a day of glitz, glamour, and gold with them. This year is extra-special, because it features School of Rock star Luca Padovan.

You rock!

For more info: https://www.runwayheroes.com
To register: http://www.runwayheroes.com/register

Just a little update…

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Ronan. I’ve been in hiding. Yes, you’ve been dead for over 4 years now and at times my pain is still so unbearable that I have to completely check out. I can usually foresee when this is coming. It all started with a September that was slammed for childhood cancer awareness month. I hardly slept, I had surgery, went to New York, and basically spent the entire month running around like a crazy lady screaming anywhere I could about the injustice of the world of childhood cancer. As soon as October 1st came, I knew I was going to need a break or else I was going to end up in a mental ward somewhere. I slowly stopped returning phone calls, answering emails, looking at Facebook messages/text messages, and for the most part stayed away from social media. I spent the entire month of October pretty much hibernating with Poppy and your brothers, only leaving the house to do necessary things such as basketball games, hiking, playing at parks, the grocery store, and a few other mommy duties. I have not seen anybody except for my family and about 2 other dear friends who are key to my survival. I’ve been doing a lot of crying. A few danger missions such as hiking Camelback during the pitch black nights. You know when I get restless you can always find me on top of a dark mountain somewhere or running the streets late at night. I still need my danger days/nights where I can tell everything to fuck off.

I took my sissy/Brianna up Camelback with me a couple weeks ago pretty late. It was a good thing we were there because during our danger hike, I swear we saved the lives of two hikers. They were a young couple from New Orleans who were visiting. They had decided to hike Camelback, but were unaware of how long it was going to take them and how dark is was going to get, so fast. As soon as they saw us at the top, they told us they had no idea how to get down off the mountain and they had already been hiking for 4 hours. They were so scared, tired, and sore. They didn’t have headlamps with them or any type of light. There was nobody else on that mountain except for the 4 of us. I told them we would get them down. It took us over two hours. I’m pretty sure if we hadn’t been there, they wouldn’t have made it down. They didn’t talk much as I think their exhaustion had kicked in. They did ask me if it was normal for people to hike Camelback at night. I just laughed and told them I didn’t think so, but I did it quite a bit because my life was anything but normal. I explained to them how I always came prepared, knew the mountain like the back of my hand, and sometimes I just needed to be alone with my thoughts and this was the best place to do that; especially at night. Once we got them safely off the mountain, I offered to drive them somewhere so an Uber could pick them up and take them to their hotel. They were so grateful to be alive and safe. I was thankful we were there to help them.  See, sometimes my danger missions are actually helping others, as well as myself. I secretly think you were of course watching out for them which is why you put me on that mountain at that exact time. I felt really thankful that we were there to help.

Brianna has been spending a lot of time with us. I am still in awe that my beautiful little neighbor/sissy that I used to bounce on my lap when she was 3 years old is all grown up and here in college. I love having her here. We all do. I love being able to take care of her, to guide her through things such as life, college, boys, her career choices, etc… She is family and makes me a little less homesick for my family back in Washington. I also love so much that she knew you, loved you, and much of what she does in her life is for you. That means everything to me. She is working at Phoenix Children’s Hospital right now, while trying to get into nursing school. That is all because of you. I love hearing about her nights working there and all of the new experiences she is having out in the real world. She is growing as a person right before my very eyes and it is such a beautiful thing to see. I get so sad when I think about how I will never have the chance to watch you grow up and pursue your dreams. The thought of that will never get easier or become less painful, but it is my reality and everyday I have to figure out how to live with that. Your brothers and sister help me so much with this. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Poppy is starting to ask a lot of questions. I’m watching as her little two and a half year old mind is trying to process what happened to you. We all talk about you all the time. Your pictures are all around, as well as your hats, stuffed animals, in your closet still hangs a lot of your clothes. Out of the blue Poppy will say things like, “You see, Ronan got sick… he had to go to the hot-i-pol, because he was sick. I told you he was sick, mama. Do you miss him, mama? Ronan is my bro-da, I drew him a picture, who take my bro-da, mama? Did he run away?” I try my best to answer her sweet little questions, but I am not ready to tell her where it is you actually are now. I just tell her that you had to go somewhere else for a while. I can’t tell her your little body is actually in an Urn right in our bedroom. She won’t understand that and frankly, I am not ready to tell her. She is too young, too innocent, and I am not ready to break her little heart. For now, I will just continue to let her figure things out her way while being as gentle as I can with my answers to her never-ending questions.

I have to end this now, Ro. I need to move on to something else that has been going on, but I don’t want to write about it on this post. I just wanted this to be a little nice bedtime update since it has been so long since I’ve written on here. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Until I get back to a place where I have the time to write on my blog, this is where you can find me..

I promise you, after I am finished with this book, I will get back to blog writing. I love writing to Ronan and miss it so much. One thing I am very good at is keeping everyone updated on Instagram. It’s so easy for me to post there, and photography is such a passion/hobby of mine. I know not all of you have Instagram, but I really want to keep you updated. Especially during this very important month of childhood cancer awareness. I’ve been posting something every single day that has to do with childhood cancer. The things I post are not always easy to read, but I wouldn’t be staying true to my path if I started to sugar coat things. The world needs to hear this stuff in order for things to one day change. I’m going to post my Instagram posts to this blog, so everyone can have access to read them; if they choose to do so. I really hope you won’t stop reading or look away. So many people are trying to change this world. I am doing all I can over here and I am so thankful to the people that remain behind this cause.

I have to give a little extra love to my Rach in New York and Rainesford in Kentucky. These are two young girls, who have become my dear friends/family. They are the two that have been keeping me afloat, saving my life, especially during a time when much Taylor love came floating our way. You guys, I am not a fancy foundation. We are small, we do not have one paid employee, and these girls have been working non-stop for me for so long now, all while being full time college students, volunteering, and working. We may be small, but we can still do mighty things and these two girls are proof of that. Without these two, I would be drowning ever more than I already am just trying to keep caught up on things over here.

I love you all so much. Below is my picture for Day 1 of childhood cancer awareness month. You should just be able to click on it to read what I have written. Stay Gold, kiddos.

xxoo

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