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My Delayed Grief for my Dad.
It’s one of those writing days where I would give anything to call up my dad and run some things past him. My dad died in 2014, and because of Ronan, I couldn’t properly grieve for him because Ro consumed my grief. It’s only now that I am finally starting to process the loss of…
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Bits and pieces of a chapter because I cannot post it all. But I cannot wait to put this book out into the world finally. Also, these words did not come from my mom. My mom is one of my safe people and always has been.
“How are you holding up, sweetheart?” I felt the touch of _________hand on my shoulder as the breeze of the California coast sent shivers down my spine. Her words feel safe, like I was six years old and ready to climb into my mother’s lap for a gentle bedtime story. I answered ________’s question in…
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Hi. It’s me. Do you know what’s going to happen after I put this book out into the world? I will finally be free of this extra layer of pain I’ve been carrying around on top of my grief because I can talk openly about all the trauma and bullshit I endured. I’m in the trenches right now. Thank you all for being so patient and so supportive. Here is a little snippet below.
“I was fine with being the “crazy” one—the wildcard who had become so unhinged over the death of her child. I wasn’t fine with being in an environment where I didn’t feel safe or genuinely supported. I had grown tired of the victim mentality games. The passive-aggressive gestures. The love that came with conditions. The…
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I will never stop wishing for you.
I was telling Charisma a few days ago that I don’t dream of you very often. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve dreamt of you since your death. I don’t know why that is because you are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I…
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The Magic of Fernanda
I spent last weekend in love filled bubble as I watched one of the greatest loves of my life walk down the aisle in the wedding of the century. It was the most incredible weekend, and I was honored to be a part of it. I was asked dozens of times how I knew Fernanda.…
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I hope you all know just because I haven’t been posting doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing.
At what age do you think we realize our mortality? That is the question I posed while lying in the MRI machine, trying my hardest not to freak the fuck out over how claustrophobic I felt. God damn it, Maya. Why can’t you think about something more pleasant to pass the time? You just had…
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Happy 15th Birthday to the love of my life.
Ronan, Eleven years without you feels like the cruelest joke. A never-ending nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I think about you so much that you are a part of my daily life. I’ve been doing that since you died, and that won’t ever change. I imagine you at fifteen as the most incredible…
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I love you, little man. I love you, Taylor.
To see Ronan, Taylor’s Version on an actual album will forever be one of the proudest, most incredible moments of my life. And having my name beside Taylor’s feels like a dream I never want to wake up from. I love you, Taylor. Thank you for all the ways you continue to make my little…
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Threaten me. Call me names. Spit on my dead child. It’s all in good fun, right? Because kids will be kids!
For the past 48 hours, I have been called names, had my life threatened, had things said about me that are not true, had my dead child spoken of in a derogatory way, and told to remove my post by several adult women or else. As I stated earlier, I had a conversation with the…
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Brophy and Sunnyslope continued…
This afternoon, I received a phone call from Mr. Ryan, the Principal of Brophy. We spoke at length about what happened at Friday night’s game and about the disappointment that we both felt over what transpired. Mr. Ryan took accountability for the situation, apologized, and has reached out to the Principal of Sunnyslope. We had…
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