Happy 15th Birthday to the love of my life.


Eleven years without you feels like the cruelest joke. A never-ending nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I think about you so much that you are a part of my daily life. I’ve been doing that since you died, and that won’t ever change. I imagine you at fifteen as the most incredible athlete because even when you were tiny, you were so coordinated and sports-obsessed. I imagine you would have grown into your wildness but only enough to always be on the cusp of getting into some trouble. I would have nurtured that side of you and let you live out your life doing the things that made your heart soar. I know how much you idolized your brothers, and I imagine they would have happily taken you everywhere instead of you just being the annoying little brother who tagged along. I imagine your blue eyes, copper hair, and naturally, tan skin would still stop strangers dead in their tracks. I will never stop yearning for you or wishing for more time with you. I ache for you constantly, and I carry that pain with me always. Grief. It’s exhausting and constant work, but I know that’s because my love for you is bigger than life, and it is eternal.

The past few days have been horrifically hard. All meshed together, and I don’t know what way is up or down, left or right. I’ve been functioning but barely. I’ve known this pain for so long now that I know what I need to do to get through it. I spend a lot of time replaying our time together but especially the last few weeks with you. I cry, I give into this pain, and my nights are restless. But my restlessness is met with a touch of a hand and a soothing voice whispering words of comfort—the kind of words that make you believe in new beginnings and life-changing love. My heart will always be broken, but at least I have surrounded myself with the most beautiful people who know just how to nurture me, not just doing this time, but always. I genuinely believe certain people were placed in my life because of you because you knew they would be the ones to help me survive. I will forever be grateful to you for that.

I will spend your birthday with your daddy, brothers, sister, and Aubs. I’m not sure what we are doing yet, but we will all be together, loving and celebrating you. Happy 15th birthday, Ronan. I am so lucky to be your mom, and I am so thankful for the short time we had on earth together. Because of you, I know certain kinds of love truly do change your life. I love you to the moon and back, forever and always.

9 thoughts on “Happy 15th Birthday to the love of my life.”

  1. what a beautiful letter to such a beautiful boy, so touching! Your love for Ronan clearly shows through. Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. Maya, my heart breaks a little more for you when I see your posts pop up in my email. I could never imagine your pain. I’m sure Ronan’s spirit is with you every second of every day. Sending love and hugs always!! ❤️🙏🏻

  3. I’m sitting here in Sweden and listen for the first time to the song Ronan (the new version from Taylors Red album). An incredible beautiful and also sad song. Because when I noticed it was a story about your little boy i cried and cried while listening. I love the song and I wonder when the crying while listening to this song will stop……

  4. I just found my way here after hearing Ronan’s song for the first time. You write so beautifully about your son, and with so much love. We also have a son named Ronan who died in June 19, 2022 at 45 hours old of undiagnosed congenital heart defects. I’m sure I will make many more visits to your page here, and please know I’ll be thinking of your Ronan with mine all the time.

    1. Zoe, I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your Ronan. My heart breaks for any mom and dad that loss their child who is a physical and spiritual part of them. One and the same. Sending love and prayers to your family for peace, acceptance, and love may your Angel rest in heavenly peace 💙 🙏🏻

    2. Zoe, my heart breaks for you. So sorry the tragic loss of your Ronan. It’s unimaginable really. Please know you have so many people that want to support you. Feel the love. I could never imagine what you are going through. You have your Angel always by your side. I’m keeping all of you in my prayers. Praying for peaceful acceptance and all good things going forward. Lots and lots of love 💙💙💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

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