Ronan. Do you know that I wait all day for this time at night with you?? It has become so special to me, that it is now a major part of what keeps me going through out the day. I wait for our time together, when everyone is asleep and it is just the two of us. I wait all day so I can finally sit here at night and write to you, take care of you, cry with you, and nurture you the only way that I get to now. I do this for myself, as much as I do it for you. It’s my time with you, alone, to sit with my thoughts and share them with you. It comes so naturally to me now that I am convinced that you can hear the words that I am saying to you. I so need you to hear them. I so need my time with you at the end of the night. The silence is just too loud.
I wrote to you last night, only to have it disappear. I’m not sure what I even said. I know I filled you in on what we have been doing to keep busy. But as I sit here and try to recall what that is, my mind draws a blank. I can’t even remember the day of the week, let alone what now goes on in a day. I can sit and tell you about today though. Even if it seems like everything that happened, was so long ago. The days are still dragging on and time is still standing still. The stupid sun is still rising, every morning and just makes me angry. I’ll tell you about today, before I forget. I took your brothers to Laguna for the day. We needed to get off the island and I wanted to see my friend, Denise, before we went back to Phoenix. We left this morning around 10 and spent the day with her. We met her at her brother’s house, which is unlike anything I have ever seen. It is filled with exotic things everywhere. You would have loved it. We spent a big part of the day, exploring her brother’s house and his love for snakes, frogs, lizards, fish, fossils, butterflies, trees, plants…. it’s like a mini zoo. Liam and Quinn had the best time and Denise did such an amazing job of explaining what everything was to them. It was a very educational day to say the least. We walked into town and had lunch overlooking the ocean. We got ice cream afterwords and sat on the beach, just enjoying the simpleness of the day. We walked back after a few hours and had a little adventure by the ocean shore as we navigated our way down a cliff, through the water, over rocks and back up some stairs; to reality. We said our goodbyes and I drove off feeling so happy for the beautiful day we had just had, but also so sad that I didn’t have you physically there with us. My heart was heavy. On the way home, we got stuck in traffic. Not a surprise, but it ended up taking us twice as long to get home. I would have usually been annoyed by this, but not today. Do you know what I did for the 2 hours that we were stuck in traffic? I talked. I talked to your brothers for so long that I probably turned blue in the face. I don’t know who this person was in the car today as you know I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I tend to be on the quieter side as I like to think before I speak and it is as if I am always processing and analyzing the things I say. Today, on the car ride home, I did none of that. I let my worlds fly out of my mouth, and I engaged with your brothers in a way that I haven’t done in a very long time. It felt really good. I talked a lot about my childhood and told them a lot of stories. I told them how I had a lot of hard things happen in my life, but how I never felt sorry for myself. I told them the importance of appreciating everything that they have and how lucky they are. I told them they are lucky, Ronan. I still feel this way even though you are gone. How is that even possible?? I really can’t explain it, except for I am so much more grateful for the little things in life that they have now. Even with you being gone. You were the most precious gift to us.
I ran on the beach tonight. I took Liz with me as I am trying my best to turn her into a runner. Olivia stayed with your brothers. I pushed Liz for her mile that I have been having her to run. Baby steps for her. I ran ahead of her and marked a line in the sand for when she reached her mile cutoff. I had her turn around while I ran a few more miles and met up with her back on the boardwalk by our condo. It felt good tonight, running on the beach, with Liz by my side. We both had our headphones on and it felt good to get out of my head for a bit. I need that break so much now. It feels good to spend time with Liz and Olivia. Olivia brings out the innocence of being a child that I feel like we have all been robbed of. Liz reminds me of my younger 21-year-old self, back when life was simple but so complicated. I sit back and watch her and the lessons she is learning from all of this. I know it will make her a better person, if that is even possible. I’m actually not sure it is. Both of those girls are unlike anyone one else on this planet. I feel so lucky to have them in our lives. You loved them so much too.
I’m waiting now. Waiting for this Ambien to do it’s work and force me to drift off into my black wall of sleep. I remember nothing about my nights now. No dreams, not even falling asleep. I try not to get too concerned about this and my therapist agrees. We talked about this Ambien thing the other day. She said if I weren’t processing things during the day and during the time that I write to you at night, that it may be a different story. We both agreed that as of now, I need a break from all of this reality in the form of sleep. I hate it though. Never in my life have I had trouble sleeping. I now have to fight off the demons that live inside of my head as the night slowly creeps in. Your brothers are both in bed with me. They look so peaceful and beautiful. But it is so painful to not have you in here with us too. I can just picture you snuggled up beside us. That image lasts about 10 seconds before my mind automatically goes to you, lying in your bed at the Ryan House, as you were preparing for your last breaths. I watched as your little body gave out and your heart stopped beating. How quickly your little body turned still and cold and your lips, a soft shade of blue. I think about how I gave you a bath after you died, everyday. I remember I was so mad that I couldn’t get the sharpie pen off of your body from your radiation treatment the previous day. I wanted you to be perfectly clean, but I could not get the black sharpie off of your hips. I wanted to take a picture of you so badly, but just could not bring myself to do it. I have my last picture with you before you died and it is awful. You didn’t even look like the same little boy. You weren’t a little boy anymore. Your body, your face, your eyes….. everything had evolved into a man who would have been in his 90’s. That’s why you were so wise beyond your years, that’s why you loved me so much. I sometimes think you were really an old man trapped in a child’s body. It’s the only way I can fucking justify this bullshit. I think your spirit was so much older than the physical you and your spirit was ready to go on and move on to other things as you felt like you had done your job here. Now, I feel like you are really here, still watching over us, and showing your presence in different ways. If we ever have something good happen in our life again, I know it will be you who has made it happen, Ronan. You will be the one that we thank because you are now taking care of us. I’m o.k. with this, but I’m also fucking pissed about this. I wanted to be the one taking care of you, for the rest of my life. That was my job and I totally failed. I didn’t fail in loving you because you know how deeply connected our love was. I failed because you died. I don’t care what anyone says to try to tell me otherwise. I let you down. I promised you we would get you all better, that your daddy would coach your basketball team, that you would play on a baseball team, all the places we would take you and things we would do. I broke all of my promises to you. I hate myself everyday for this, Ro. I’ll never forgive myself.
I’m sleepy now baby. Time to close my eyes. Yoga in the morning. I hope you are safe, warm, and peaceful. Sweet dreams my favorite not spicy monkey boy. I love you to the moon and back.
14 thoughts on “Ro…. Inquiring minds want to know. Nailpolish color is by Debroah Lippman, the color is Happy Birthday. You would have freaked over it as it is so sparkly!!! I think of you everytime I wear it!!”
Maya…my heart aches for you and Rockstar Ronan!
Your words…are so real…so raw…
Peace & Strength!
This post makes me so sad…I’ve read your entire blog and you were such a good mommy to Ronan. He was so lucky to have someone as caring and loving as you. It breaks my heart that you keep thinking of his last moments and that you feel like you failed him. You did everything for him – you are amazing!
I am still praying for you Maya, every day. I know Ronan is still with you in spirit, helping guide you. I’m happy you have liz and Olivia and the twins in your life. Thanks for sharing the nail polish info, too! 🙂 It is really cool! Wishing you the best, Love and prayers and thoughts to you….
So glad you have yoga, running, the beautiful Kotalik girls, and you family and friends. You are processing everything. I hope the nights get better. You are loved and thought about from people all averthe world. You and your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers. Our love to your entire family.
Oh Maya. I am so sorry. My life is so forever changed by you guys. I wont bore you with details, but I have been going through so much lately. Things that 6 months ago might have broke me.. at least temporarily. and I just think to myself… these are not problems. None of these are problems. Noone has problems until you are 3, little, adorable, innocent years old fighting cancer. Noone has problems until they have suffered the meaningless cruel loss that your family has. Your strength and that of your family sets a new standard for me and probably for ALOT of your one million other readers. You didn’t fail Ronan Maya, just as he didnt fail you. You both fought harder than anyone would have believed possible. You are so amazing as was he that in your (way to few) years together you were more blessed, as was he, than many of us are ever. Everyone should have a mom like you. Sending you love always. ❤
I wish there was something, anything I could do to take away your pain.
I am so sorry x
Maya it was NOT YOU who failed Ronan, it was CANCER, you did everything you could as a mother to help your baby, you fought for him like no one else could. He loves you and we love you. . . when Maya’s Midnight Mafia is in full effect I am ready to join the team =)
all my love and prayers. . . <3333
You didn’t fail Ronan. The STUPID FUCKING CANCER failed Ronan….just remember that. I saw a movie yesterday and thought of you and Ronan. The guy said
“Sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion.” then he talked about being afraid of the distance and the cord breaking. I thought of you because you have that string to Ronan, and no matter the distance it won’t break….
I think Ronan can still hear you Maya…I really believe that. I’m glad you do too. Though it might be hard sometimes…
I went to the Eddie Vedder concert up here in Seattle last Saturday. It was just him, not Pearl Jam. His opening act was a guy named Glen Hansard and he was amazing. He and Eddie Vedder formed this incredible bond because they had both experienced very sad tragedies, they both had fans die or even commit suicide at their concerts. Glen Hansard said something that made me think of your sweet Ronan, your whole family, and what you have done for all your blog readers… he said:
“sometimes out of tragedy comes great gifts”
For him he was talking about his friendship with Eddie Vedder. For me, I immediately thought of Ronan and the wonderful gift of perspective that you and him and given me.
So, I guess I am trying to say thank you for writing. Ronan’s death was truly a tragedy, not a failure, and since I cannot tell him myself, please tell him thank you for inspiring me, and giving me a gift.
Anyway, a hour or so later Eddie Vedder played “The End” by Pearl Jam acoustically. There is this line in the song “I just want to grow old” and I thought of you and Ronan and cried and prayed for you.
MAYA…I believe Ronan can hear you….I believe there is an everlasting connection and that you will be bonded forever. He can hear you. I am so glad that you write to him, and that gives you some peace. I look forward everyday to your beautiful writing. It makes me so sad, and its so hard to imagine this is your truth. I just can’t imagine. I know something beautiful will come of this, I so believe in you and I know Ronan and you will save some lives someday and help other people with awareness, and find a cure. The word is out and you have your everloving army right behind you.
I totally loved the video….that was the best! I laughed out loud!
I hope tomorrow is a good day for you also.
PS: I think you are so powerful, amazing, and a wonderful Mother.
Although your feelings make perfect sense to me, as I am certain I would feel the same way in your position, please remember that Ronan knew you guys were doing everything in the world to get him better…he knew this. And when the time came where the cancer just took over and the short time you had to fight ran out, he came to peace. He rested and slept and (I believe) began to dream of the place he was heading to…a place where he could watch over you until you joined him, and a place where he could be at peace. So as much as what you write is so incredibly heartwrenching and REAL, remember that peacefulness it came to and that is what remains…I LOVE your “old man” belief…I completely see this, too, just in those eyes and the depth of Ronan’s soul. The eyes are the window to the soul…and those eyes tell a lot. You are amazing…do not blame yourself. Cancer is simply evil and at times, unbeatable…although that can change with the power of you and Ronan (“Power of Two” – have you heard that song by the Indigo Girls?? Just one of many that make me think of you and Ro…)
You guys have placed so much more awareness, love and gratitude unto so many, many lives…this is your legacy. And I believe it’s in its infancy. 🙂
Ronan understood your love. The peace you gave him with your promises. He now knows those promises were made in love – to give him comfort and in all honesty and fight for his life. He knows Maya and would not want you to feel bad about the promises.
Love and hugs as always.
I know it’s easy to doubt yourself, hate yourself, and feel worthless after loosing a child. I have been there and still struggle with the same feelings many years later. I know that the pain of loosing your child never goes away.
I don’t know really what else to say other than I know how you feel. ❤
Maya i 2 got chronic insomnia after i became childless. 1c i suggestd u try w/O ambien cuz 4 many it surpesses dreams & u were sad @ not dreaming of ronan enuf. N reality been thru lunesta & ambien & am now taking serious rxs. Have 4 bottles of each & usually take 2 or 3 ea stead of 1. @ his last pic tho he did lk diff wiser as u said but def not 90. U allowing us 2 c him close 2 the end was so beautiful.