Ro…. Inquiring minds want to know. Nailpolish color is by Debroah Lippman, the color is Happy Birthday. You would have freaked over it as it is so sparkly!!! I think of you everytime I wear it!!

Ronan. Do you know that I wait all day for this time at night with you?? It has become so special to me, that it is now a major part of what keeps me going through out the day. I wait for our time together, when everyone is asleep and it is just the two of us. I wait all day so I can finally sit here at night and write to you, take care of you, cry with you, and nurture you the only way that I get to now. I do this for myself, as much as I do it for you. It’s my time with you, alone, to sit with my thoughts and share them with you. It comes so naturally to me now that I am convinced that you can hear the words that I am saying to you. I so need you to hear them. I so need my time with you at the end of the night. The silence is just too loud.

I wrote to you last night, only to have it disappear. I’m not sure what I even said. I know I filled you in on what we have been doing to keep busy. But as I sit here and try to recall what that is, my mind draws a blank. I can’t even remember the day of the week, let alone what now goes on in a day. I can sit and tell you about today though. Even if it seems like everything that happened, was so long ago. The days are still dragging on and time is still standing still. The stupid sun is still rising, every morning and just makes me angry. I’ll tell you about today, before I forget. I took your brothers to Laguna for the day. We needed to get off the island and I wanted to see my friend, Denise, before we went back to Phoenix. We left this morning around 10 and spent the day with her. We met her at her brother’s house, which is unlike anything I have ever seen. It is filled with exotic things everywhere. You would have loved it. We spent a big part of the day, exploring her brother’s house and his love for snakes, frogs, lizards, fish, fossils, butterflies, trees, plants…. it’s like a mini zoo. Liam and Quinn had the best time and Denise did such an amazing job of explaining what everything was to them. It was a very educational day to say the least. We walked into town and had lunch overlooking the ocean. We got ice cream afterwords and sat on the beach, just enjoying the simpleness of the day. We walked back after a few hours and had a little adventure by the ocean shore as we navigated our way down a cliff, through the water, over rocks and back up some stairs; to reality. We said our goodbyes and I drove off feeling so happy for the beautiful day we had just had, but also so sad that I didn’t have you physically there with us. My heart was heavy. On the way home, we got stuck in traffic. Not a surprise, but it ended up taking us twice as long to get home. I would have usually been annoyed by this, but not today. Do you know what I did for the 2 hours that we were stuck in traffic? I talked. I talked to your brothers for so long that I probably turned blue in the face. I don’t know who this person was in the car today as you know I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I tend to be on the quieter side as I like to think before I speak and it is as if I am always processing and analyzing the things I say. Today, on the car ride home, I did none of that. I let my worlds fly out of my mouth, and I engaged with your brothers in a way that I haven’t done in a very long time. It felt really good. I talked a lot about my childhood and told them a lot of stories. I told them how I had a lot of hard things happen in my life, but how I never felt sorry for myself. I told them the importance of appreciating everything that they have and how lucky they are. I told them they are lucky, Ronan. I still feel this way even though you are gone. How is that even possible?? I really can’t explain it, except for I am so much more grateful for the little things in life that they have now. Even with you being gone. You were the most precious gift to us.

I ran on the beach tonight. I took Liz with me as I am trying my best to turn her into a runner. Olivia stayed with your brothers. I pushed Liz for her mile that I have been having her to run. Baby steps for her. I ran ahead of her and marked a line in the sand for when she reached her mile cutoff. I had her turn around while I ran a few more miles and met up with her back on the boardwalk by our condo. It felt good tonight, running on the beach, with Liz by my side. We both had our headphones on and it felt good to get out of my head for a bit. I need that break so much now. It feels good to spend time with Liz and Olivia. Olivia brings out the innocence of being a child that I feel like we have all been robbed of. Liz reminds me of my younger 21-year-old self, back when life was simple but so complicated. I sit back and watch her and the lessons she is learning from all of this. I know it will make her a better person, if that is even possible. I’m actually not sure it is. Both of those girls are unlike anyone one else on this planet. I feel so lucky to have them in our lives. You loved them so much too.

I’m waiting now. Waiting for this Ambien to do it’s work and force me to drift off into my black wall of sleep. I remember nothing about my nights now. No dreams, not even falling asleep. I try not to get too concerned about this and my therapist agrees. We talked about this Ambien thing the other day. She said if I weren’t processing things during the day and during the time that I write to you at night, that it may be a different story. We both agreed that as of now, I need a break from all of this reality in the form of sleep. I hate it though. Never in my life have I had trouble sleeping. I now have to fight off the demons that live inside of my head as the night slowly creeps in. Your brothers are both in bed with me. They look so peaceful and beautiful. But it is so painful to not have you in here with us too. I can just picture you snuggled up beside us. That image lasts about 10 seconds before my mind automatically goes to you, lying in your bed at the Ryan House, as you were preparing for your last breaths. I watched as your little body gave out and your heart stopped beating. How quickly your little body turned still and cold and your lips, a soft shade of blue. I think about how I gave you a bath after you died, everyday. I remember I was so mad that I couldn’t get the sharpie pen off of your body from your radiation treatment the previous day. I wanted you to be perfectly clean, but I could not get the black sharpie off of your hips. I wanted to take a picture of you so badly, but just could not bring myself to do it. I have my last picture with you before you died and it is awful. You didn’t even look like the same little boy. You weren’t a little boy anymore. Your body, your face, your eyes….. everything had evolved into a man who would have been in his 90’s. That’s why you were so wise beyond your years, that’s why you loved me so much. I sometimes think you were really an old man trapped in a child’s body. It’s the only way I can fucking justify this bullshit. I think your spirit was so much older than the physical you and your spirit was ready to go on and move on to other things as you felt like you had done your job here. Now, I feel like you are really here, still watching over us, and showing your presence in different ways. If we ever have something good happen in our life again, I know it will be you who has made it happen, Ronan. You will be the one that we thank because you are now taking care of us. I’m o.k. with this, but I’m also fucking pissed about this. I wanted to be the one taking care of you, for the rest of my life. That was my job and I totally failed. I didn’t fail in loving you because you know how deeply connected our love was. I failed because you died. I don’t care what anyone says to try to tell me otherwise. I let you down. I promised you we would get you all better, that your daddy would coach your basketball team, that you would play on a baseball team, all the places we would take you and things we would do. I broke all of my promises to you. I hate myself everyday for this, Ro. I’ll never forgive myself.

I’m sleepy now baby. Time to close my eyes. Yoga in the morning. I hope you are safe, warm, and peaceful. Sweet dreams my favorite not spicy monkey boy. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

A little hummingbird told me……

Ronan. You should have been here today with us. I forced myself to have a better day today. Forced myself up out of bed, out into the delicious San Diego sunshine, out on to the beach; armed with my surfboard. I knew the only way I was going to get though this day today, was by getting my ass kicked in the ocean. That’s precisely what I did. I welcomed the angry ocean with open arms as I tried my best to get up on my board; only to miss the curl of the wave over and over again. To be ripped under the water where the salt water stung my eyes and I choked on the bitter taste of the sea. Happiness. Torture. Hurt. Pain. I felt it today out there and I wish I could say it quenched my thirst for what I am missing in life now. But it didn’t. Not even close. But I knew if I didn’t get out, and try to live….. well, that’s not going to be good for anyone. And as I’ve said before, this is not just about me. As much as I selfishly wish it were sometimes. There are other people involved. Other little people whom I have to take care of.

After I surfed for a while, Quinn came out to join me. I put him on my board and pushed him out past the waves. I carried him out as far as I could go and turned him around to wait for the right wave to come. He missed the first one, and toppled under the water. We tried again and this time, he got up easily and rode the wave all the way into the shore. Liam came out as well just to splash around. We played out in the ocean for a while until your daddy pointed out the dead Sting Ray on the shore. We decided to come in after that. I hope I never meet one of those guys in the ocean. They do not look like somebody I would like to be friends with.  After the beach, we went up to the pool and enjoyed the rest of the summer day.

Your daddy had to head back to AZ tonight for the rest of the week. We went out for dinner and dropped him off at the airport. We headed back to Coronado and decided to walk to the Hotel Del for ice cream. Your brothers seem happy. It’s strange to watch just the two of them interact now and how their relationship is changing. It’s as if they have to get to know each other all over again. You were such a big part of them. It’s almost as if you were such a strong force between them, as you had such a different relationships with both of them. Everything you brought into this world was unique and special and that includes the bond you had with your brothers. We all feel lost and awkward. It’s hard to sit back and watch all of this. It was hard for me to take your brothers for ice cream at The Del tonight. I know you know this. I know you can feel me because at my saddest point tonight, as the sun was setting on our way back from ice cream, I looked up and there was a little hummingbird. Flying right in front of us. Quinn and Liam both started laughing and chased it. It kept fluttering away, but only to turn right back to us again. It landed on a tree right in front of The Shores and it stood still on a branch as we came over to look at it. It stood still for a couple of minutes and Quinn kept insisting that I take a picture of it. I took one on my iphone for him. This little hummingbird didn’t move the entire time we watched it. We finally walked away, and I told the little hummingbird, “Bye Ronan.” Your brothers said, “Bye, Ro,” as well. It was a sweet moment that reminds me as lonely, lost, and scared as I feel without you; that I am never truly alone.

I spent the rest of the night playing with your brothers. I caught up on a couple of phone calls that were way overdue. This whole “hiding,” thing of mine that I like to do, is hard on my friendships. Not hard in the way that I worry about losing my friends; because the one’s that have stuck around are in it for the long haul. Forever. It’s hard in the respect that I just truly miss them and the simpleness that our friendships used to consist of. Nothing is simple anymore. I’m complex and any illusions about life being easy or fair, has been ruined for them. It must be hard to be on the other side of this and to kind of be sitting back on the sidelines; watching. Watching and waiting because you don’t want to overstep your boundaries. I am aware of my little angels surrounding me though. I know they are all still there, and giving me time to grieve. I am so thankful for that. When the time is right, I will see my friends again and all of their beautiful smiles that I miss so much. I am forever and eternally grateful and thankful for the love of my friends. I am a very lucky girl in regards to them.

We finished up our night, just the 3 of us by watching a movie together. Your daddy will not be back here all week. I’ve got to find some things to do to keep everyone entertained and happy. I’ve got to be a mom, to your brothers, like I used to be without the help of anyone else. I haven’t really done this since you were diagnosed almost a year ago. It’s going to be a challenge to say the least. The things that used to come so effortlessly to me, are now the most difficult. Being a mom. Being a wife. Just being Maya. Adios to that Maya. She no longer exists. I don’t know who I am without you. I hope to find my way back someday, but as of now, I am completely lost. At the end of the day, I am just happy that I am one day closer to being reunited with you. I miss you so much.

That’s all tonight my baby doll. I’ve given up on this trying to sleep without the help of my Ambien experiment as well. The pain of having to survive the nights of not sleeping, but instead lying in bed and feeling as if every part of me is burning with pain is not something I am capable of handling. Bring on the Ambien.

I love you. To the moon and back forever and ever. Sweet dreams, my love. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Fuels in the fire. Burn baby, burn.

I’m writing today to you all because I have a lot of fuels in the fire. I know I am supposed to be enjoying my family beach time, but being busy is helpful to me as well. First of all, last night I had the chance to go and look at all of the pictures that the amazingly talented, Emily Carroll, took at Ronan’s Fundraiser, and posted to her Facebook page. The link is on my Facebook page as well. I cannot tell you what an out of body experience it was for me to see all of your beautiful faces, most of whom I didn’t know, supporting us. I cried the entire time I looked through them. It is was beyond hard for me, to know that all of you were there because of the love you have for our family and because our little boy is dead. Can you put yourself in my shoes for one minute? Just take one minute, close your eyes, and think of your child dying. In that one minute, allow yourself to experience the pain I feel, my family feels, every second of the day. Take this one minute of pain and know this is why you all have taken it upon yourselves to inject yourself into our lives, when most of you don’t even know us. Take a minute to think about what amazing human beings that makes you and be proud of who you are. You all know there is more to life then the superficial things that surround us. You all get the bigger picture and you all know you are about to help me change this world and the way most people live with their eyes closed and lack of passion. You all have made me beyond proud and honored to have your love and support.
Ronan lived everyday of his life as if it was his last, without ever knowing that he would only get to be on this earth for almost 4 short years. Maybe deep down, in his old little soul, he did know this, which is why he made everyday a party and gave us so much happiness. He lived his life to the fullest, the way everyone should. I can guarantee you, if Ronan would have grown into an adult, the way he should have, he would have changed the world in some way shape or form. He would have had such a huge impact, as it was what he was put on this earth to do. Look at how much he has done with his life in the short amount of time that he did get to be here. His life was taken away from him, but I still believe he was meant to change it. I will never stop believing in the power of my son and his big blue eyes. The connection that Ronan and I have was so beyond deep, that it is beyond this life. I know it is him who is pushing me to keep going with his mission, his life, and his soul. I know what he wants me of me and every idea that I have, I am going to fight for it. Every goal I want to reach, I am going to fight for it. Every breath that I have to take, when I don’t want to anymore, I will fight for it. He is surrounding me still and I cannot rest until things in this world start to change. Ronan wants to be the voice for childhood cancer, so someday, children will not have to suffer and lose their lives the way he did. Ronan wants all parents to know that you should never take a day for granted with your kids and that the little stuff, really does not matter. He wants to help make parents, better parents. He wants all children to be loved as much as he was, because he knows how precious life is and he would give anything to be back here with us, where he was loved every second of his life. I gave my whole heart, body, mind and soul, to Ronan from the time he was born. I think deep down, I knew that I wasn’t going to get to have him forever which is why our connection was so deep and so different. I gave him a lifetime of love in his almost 4 short years that he was here. I will forever be heartbroken and feel like we were robbed of the most amazing child, but that his fight has to continue on.
Back to my fuels in the fire. I have a lot of things to take care of in regards to Ronan’s Foundation when we get back to Arizona. I am going to pour my heart and soul into it. Some things that I want to see happen are the following:
I want to make The Brightest Star in the Sky a yearly event. I want to make it huge. The amazing women who put it on for us this year are completely invested in our cause and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. I cannot wait to be involved with you all and to work with you to make it spectacular. I cannot wait to watch how it evolves and grows into something that everyone knows about and I have all of you beautiful woman to thank for getting this started. This would have not happened without you and for that I will forever be grateful.
I want to find a big voice for Childhood Cancer. People worship the power of celebrities so much, and as much power as they have, why hasn’t anyone stepped up to the plate to start a movement for Childhood Cancer? I know a lot of celebrities support St. Judes, which is amazing, by why not just Childhood Cancer in general??
Also, Yoplait. They change all of their lid colors to pink in October, which is also amazing, so why not Yellow for the month of September for Childhood Cancer Awareness?? I don’t have their contact info yet, so if anyone knows of it, please email me at mayawoody@gmail.com
I think the more people they hear from, the more they would be willing to listen. A movement has to start and it has to start now. The sooner the better as we all know when  you are dealing with Childhood Cancer, time is not on your side.
Lastly, I wanted to tell you that last night I did dream of Ronan. I could cry just telling you about it. I was pushing him on a raft, he had hair, and he was laughing and happy. In my dream, he was alive, but I was also talking to people about his death. My childhood friends, Missy and Mandy were in it and we were on Missy’s farm with Ronan running around. My friend, Lisa, was in it and I was hugging her about Ronan dying. It was a dream where life and death both existed, but they were both beautiful. I am so thankful for my dream last night and I didn’t take my Ambien to go to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep until about 3 a.m. but at least I got to see my sweet baby boy. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
That is all for today my friends. I have been getting a lot of emails also about getting bracelets to out of state peeps. Once I figure this out, I promise I will let you know. Just give me a few days:) Thanks for your support and love, always. Have a good day, my friends. Love you all.
xoxo