Sunday, bloody Sunday


Ronan. Sunday has always been my least favorite day. Sundays to me are depressing, sad, and I’ve never liked them. Why should today be any different? Let’s start with the fact that I didn’t fall asleep until 6:30 a.m. I had an awful night last night of worrying about you, about life, and I couldn’t get myself to wind down. I ended up popping an Ambien at 5:30 a.m. I was being stubborn because all I wanted last night was to fall into a blissful, non medicated sleep, and dream of you. Instead, I fought off the demons that now live in my head until I could take no more. Ambien induced sleep soon came and as I was halfway between being awake and sleep, I was holding my phone looking at pictures of you. I remember falling asleep and I was touching the screen on my phone with a picture of you smiling. I swear the picture came alive and you were moving, laughing, and smiling at me. I played with your face on the screen of my phone until I finally went into my coma. I don’t remember dreaming of you at all, but I played with you before I drifted off for the next five hours. When I finally woke up, I told your daddy that we should get out and go grab a late breakfast somewhere. We headed off to some restaurant a lady on the airplane had told him about. I don’t even know where it was, except we had to leave the Island of Coronado to get there. It was a really cute restaurant, and I sat on the patio with your daddy and brothers. We all ordered breakfast and I was just sitting there, looking at home handsome your brother, Liam is. I stared at him for a few minutes and then the crying started. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring, your daddy just looked at me and brushed them away, and I put back on my sunglasses. There was a table of people right next to us. I nicknamed them “The pretty people,” in my head. They must have been in their 30’s and they were celebrating a birthday. Their table was full of so much happiness, laugher and love. I used to know what it felt like to sit at a table like that. Not to have a care in the world and everything was so carefree and pure. Now, the table I sit at is full of tears and sadness with a reality that I never wanted, but will always be mine. I will wear these scars for the rest of my life and they will never fade, because you are missing. Because you didn’t get to be a breakfast with us today, nor will you ever be again. I pictured you with us though. You would have loved the gooey cinnamon roll Quinn and Liam had. You would have gotten the frosting everywhere and probably wiped it all over Quinn. You would have taken the pure sugar chunks they had sitting out to sweeten the tea with and chucked them across the table at one of your brothers. I would have done my best “Ronan Sean Thompson! Use your manners!” to you as I tried to scold you but I would have ended up in a fit of giggles. Your naughty ways were always my weakness. Your carefree spirit, freed my soul.

I was writing last night to Mr. Sparkly Eyes and my exact words to him were, “Ronan completed everything in my life. Everything. After I had him, I finally for the first time in my life felt complete, whole, and perfect. He tied our whole family together in a big, pretty bow.  Now what? What do you do after that is gone? Survive I guess. Float, so you don’t sink. Swim, so you don’t drown. Go on. Move forward. Continue to fight. Fight to stay alive, to get out of bed, for that glimmer of happiness that I sometimes get to feel during the day.” Those were my words last night and you know it’s my truth. I’m fighting baby. I’m fighting every second of the day to hold on to you, to me, to your brothers, to your daddy. I won’t let go no matter how much I want to give up. I won’t let you down.

After our breakfast of tears, we explored the streets a little. Walking down the sidewalk, did you see the 4 of us? I know you did. We were all walking down the sidewalk, holding hands. All of us, linked together. I turned around to find you, expecting you to be running behind us. When I realized you weren’t there, I had to let go of your daddy’s hand. I couldn’t  hold on without you. The tears burned my eyes, but the pain in my heart was worse. Everyday seems to be getting harder and harder. I did forget to tell you about something so silly that happened last night though. Something that made me happy. After the crazy ocean swimming night I had with your brothers, we all went to the hot tub. When we returned back to the condo, Quinn realized he had forgotten his flip-flops down by the pool. I took his hand and told him we could walk back to the pool to get them. We got to the pool, but it was after hours so my card that lets us in, wouldn’t work. Quinn was devastated but I tried to tell him we would come down in the morning to get them and it was no big deal. His eyes got all teary as you know what a little worry wart he is and he was upset that they would be gone in the morning. I told him there was nothing I could do, but the look on his face  told me I had no choice to somehow get into the pool and rescue his darn flip-flops. So you know what I did?? I looked around to see if there was any way I could scale the concrete wall that surrounds the pool. I told Quinn to hold my things and I somehow managed to hoist myself up and over the wall, and I landed on the other side where his flip-flops were waiting for me. You should have seen the smile on your brothers face. I smiled at that and the thought of you and how I knew you were watching me, “break the rules,” as we used to love to do. Quinn told me that I was the best mom ever and now he understands why I like to run all the time and why it’s important to me. He said it’s so I can do things like that and he bets no other mom would have done something “so cool.” It made me giggle. He’s been talking about it non-stop to me since it happened last night. Sweet boy. The smile on his face was priceless. It made my night.

I ended tonight with my late night run and a movie night on the couch with your daddy and brothers. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. My most favorite movie in the world is on, “Lost in Translation.” I’m going to try to unwind while watching it in hopes for some sleep. It’s a movie I will never get tired of, no matter how many times I see it. It’s a good way to end just another painfully hard day. I miss you so much. I hope to see you soon. Sweet dreams, my blue eyed boy. I love you.

xoxo

 

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Sunday, bloody Sunday

  1. Laura

    Thinking of you always. I hope today is a much better day. As always you and your whole family are in our thoughts and prayers. All our love.

  2. Glenda

    Baby steps…forward…be strong for yourself, Woody, Liam and Quinn but especially for Rockstar Ronan. Ro wouldn’t want you to end up sick… in a hospital. Woody, Liam and Quinn need you too. Keep fighing Maya! Sending you hugs… peace and strength…

    I love Coronado. Hung out there many days when my kids were younger.

    I hope your beautiful blue eyed Rockstar came to your sweet dreams and you got to cuddle.

  3. Candyce Lindsay

    Maya, I haven’t replied to your post in a while, but this one was exceptional and I am so happy you were the hero for your son by getting those flip/flops. As moms we surprise/amaze our boys with the most interesting things. I am impressed also. Keep loving on your boys and hubby and you all will come out of this perfectly. Candyce

  4. Elizabeth Z

    I want to think that by sharing your pain with all of us we can all take a little piece, you are our hero and we all want so bad for you to feel a little better each day. I can never imagine your pain, but my heart hurts for you, I pray each day Baby Ronan sends you his little signs as I know he does, that makes my heart happy. I have no doubt you’ll reunite with Ronan one day, and this time will be forever.

  5. ag

    You are stronger than you know, Mama Maya 🙂 One foot in front of the other and one day at a time… Cyber Hugs for You and thinking of little Rockstar Always and Forever!

  6. charlotte

    Thanks so much sharing your thoughts with us! You have made me a better mom to my 4 kids!! I think of you and Ronan daily. With every tantrum my 2 year old throws and every time my boys fight..I remember I’m blessed to have these times!! They can be gone in an instant. Your courage is so inspiring. I know it is little comfort now but maybe one day you can look back and see just how many lives you and Ronan touched.
    I know you don’t feel strong, but you are. Tears are not weakness! I pray each night that your Ronan visits you in your dreams.
    He is carrying you thru this! His love is pushing you thru each day! Hold on to it and never let go!
    Day by day, even moment by moment! You will make it!
    May the love of your sweet twin boys and your husband surround you every second!!
    And may you feel your angel, Ronan’s love in all you do!
    Love from Texas

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s