I’m having a white party tomorrow. Do you think P Diddy would want to come?

Ronan. Do you know how I feel tonight? Hollow. Empty. I swear, it’s just one thing after another. I just had a Mother’s Day that no mother would ever want. All after your death day, your birthday/the day you were cremated (on your fucking birthday), Mother’s Day, and now tomorrow, is the day we had your fucking services, last year. May is a sick fucking joke. Next year, I am going to Iceland for May and living in a fucking igloo and ignoring May, all together. I came home from our trip, numb. I am totally numb again. How can I not be? I’m numb without the help of any anti-depressants. The one’s that everyone wanted to numb me with and still want to numb me with. I’m still here screaming that I don’t want to be numb. I will feel this, the way I am supposed to feel this and not by taking medications to help me not feel this. I want to feel this. I deserve to feel this pain. I am strong enough to handle it, no matter how much it hurts. I think my body is having a natural numbness physical reaction, all on it’s own. Because these dates, right after another, are just too much.

Mother’s Day was banned. Well, at least it was in my head. I let Liam and Quinn still think it was happening, because I don’t want to ruin everything for them. I took Mother’s Day and turned it into a day, all about them. I had a Liam and Quinn day and didn’t make a peep. I don’t think I even cried. See, I told you I was numb. We went to a Red Sox game, which they LOVED. We went and had a BBQ dinner at our friends’ house and they loved that just as much. We let our 4 kids run around and play with each other, but it still should have been 6. We sat with our friends into the night, talking normal talk and cancer talk. That’s the way it will always be. But it was easier with these friends, to be around them on Mother’s Day. I took comfort in all of our sadness on this “Happy Day,” of the year. I sat and thought a lot about your Fairy RoMo. I texted her it was indeed not Mother’s Day but Fairy RoMo day instead! I told her how you would have went craaaaazy over her Goldilocks hair and I know she would have loved you like her own. I am changing Mother’s Day to Fairy RoMo day. Because the love/kindness/support/and heart of your Fairy RoMo should be celebrated on this day. So it was, for her. I let my thoughts soften a bit while thinking about all the beauty that just exudes out of her, all the time. Like there is just sparkly glitter falling from the sky, when she is near. That’s how I feel anyway. It makes me feel peaceful, happy and inspired. There is that lucky world again, Ro. I am so lucky, to have her in our lives. Thanks for bringing us to each other. Another one of your little gifts, I know.

We made it home now and all I want to is run screaming back to Maine. Preferably Cape Elizabeth where I totally left my broken heart. I could see my broken heart mending there, quite well. You know what I felt while we were there, besides sad? Peaceful, calm, quiet, relaxed… I felt the pieces of me, that I miss so much. Your brothers felt it too. For such an awful reason to go away, Ro baby, it was the best place we could have possibly went. Maine and Cape Cod. Your brothers were so in their element there. They were so happy and carefree. They were so sweet and we spent so much time, outdoors playing in the beach, on rocks, on logs, in the water, in the woods, getting lost with each other and slipping into their childhood that they should know. The only childhood they should know where their baby brother, does not get cancer and die. It should have been the 5 of us there, Ronan. My heart is ripped to shreds that it is not and never will be again. But your brothers, they are happy. I guess that means your daddy and I are doing a good job, despite all of this. I don’t know how, but we just keep skipping along, not missing a beat because now, only their happiness is what matters to me. Mine can wait. I can put mine on hold, forever. Liam and Quinn will not be robbed of anymore happiness. They are too good of boys to have anymore hurt come a long. So, Ro… I still cry in front of them. But not as often. I laugh more with them and hide all the guilt that washes over me when I do. Guilt that they do not need to see or hear about. Adult guilt that I hope they never have to know about, in this way. Your dead child guilt where everything you do feels wrong… even telling another little boy at a hospital how brave he is while you are in visiting him. FUCK. Did I really just tell him he was brave. OH MY GOD. I only used to tell Ronan that. I just betrayed, Ronan. Fuck. I have to leave. I do. Tears pouring. Ronan. I’m sorry. You were the bravest little boy, I’ve ever known. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings. I tell you thinks like this all the time because the guilt never goes away. It’s heavy to carry but that’s just the way it is. Once your child dies, you don’t stop taking care of them. It just continues on in a different form. I still have 3 kids to take care of. Why else would I be doing your Foundation, Ro? My number one reason is it is my way of still being your mom, still taking care of you, and still doing a really good job at it. A job that is going to be done, so well due to how much I love you and you love me. This is why your foundation will change things. Because our love is powerful enough to do so and because I promised to fight for these kids and families until things start to get better. Like a freaking CURE for Neuroblastoma. Let’s start with that. That is what we are going to do with our passion, drive, energy and love. We are going to help these doctors but we are also going to help these families. No family should feel so alone in this, the way we did. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. I have a big list of things that need to be fixed. I’ve been working on that list with Dr. JoRo. We will get to each and every thing, one by one so that maybe a family will not just feel like another number. They deserve so much more than that.

Tomorrow is May 15th. The day we had your services last year and I remember NOTHING about it. I think I smiled a lot. I think I did the “Thank you for coming.” I think I thought I was floating on air and I probably was. I wore white. Everyone did. So for tomorrow, it only makes sense to wear all white again. I’ll do this, on this day, every year for the rest of my life. I’m having my own White Party and P Diddy is not invited. Unless he wants to donate a fuckton of money to Ronan so we can start to put our master plan into place. The master plan starts soon. I’m running with it because I have to. Because it is a good idea. Because it is so needed. So, P Diddy, you can come to my White Party tomorrow but be prepared to bring your big fat checkbook. I only need about 10 million dollars. My White Party might suck compared to the fancy one’s you throw every year. With all your fancy people, cars, clothes, etc…. My white party is just going to be me and my son’s Urn. We might have a dance party together. He loved to have dance parties. My party will probably involve tears, but they will be the saddest tears you’ve ever seen for the most beautiful little boy who ever lived. They don’t all have to be sad, they could be happy ones too because I think you might come to the conclusion that my White Party kicks the shit out of yours just for the cause alone. You know, just trying to save some kids’ lives. Cancer Kids who live right here, in the U.S.A. We’ve got a lot of problems of our own, right here. I wish you celeb types would stop and look around here. You could help save so many of these babies who don’t even know how to fight, but they are the strongest fighters I’ve ever seen in my life. They are the true heroes, warriors, fighters. They deserve to have a strong voice to start stepping up and helping them. They deserve to have a chance at growing up. I don’t want anymore families to go through what we have gone through. What we have lost which is everything. Ronan was EVERYTHING to our entire family, not just me. He was everything to Woody, Liam and Quinn. I don’t want what happened to us, to happen to anyone else which is why people like P Diddy need to start helping. People listen to celebs.They need to start focusing on Childhood Cancer. It is worth fighting for with everything you have. Because what if it were your child? Wouldn’t you want to know, the best of everything was out there and the survival rates had improved?? Of course you would but this takes work, money, research, education, and dedication. All of those things seem so easily accessible when you look at these kids whom you are fighting for. Each and every one of them, are worth it and they need to stop being overlooked.

Yeah. That would be my rant and rave for the night. (shout out to AMBIEN) which I have not taken in weeks, but tonight, coming home to your empty bed about threw me over the edge. I needed a night to peace out. So, tomorrow is an all white day for me. That’s what I’m doing. I also might just take Ro’s Urn out with me everywhere I go. I’m kinda serious about that. I do need to invest in that baby Bjorn. Grocery store, here we come!!!

G’nite Ro baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’ve come to the conclusion that you were just too perfect and beautiful for this world, so you are someplace so much better… just waiting for me. I’ll see you when it’s my time. I love you, little man.

xoxo

If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a full marathon, without training for it.

Ronan. Headache. Can’t sleep. Usual insomnia. Liam is still not feeling well. He has some nasty little bug that is going around his school. He stayed with your Mimi and Papa today and is staying with them tonight. He’s contagious and I feel like can sometimes use the break from Quinny. I had some things to get done today and had an appt. with Dr. R for your daddy and I, then Quinn had his time with her as well. It was really good for him. She is really good for Quinn. He really clicks with her and she makes it safe for him to talk about you. They worked on a collage about you today. It’s not finished, but they cut out a some pictures from some magazines. Quinn picked out some things that reminded him of you. So far, he has a picture of an alligator, from that time we went to Disneyland and went on the jungle cruise. He found an add for Phoenix Children’s Hospital and had that on there. He also cut out a star and the word, Cancer. FUCK. This is so not fair. This is so not right that your little brother, gets to sit in a therapist’s office, and cut out the word, Cancer, because his little brother, died from it. I know that nothing will make this right, Ronan. But I also know that your brothers need to be talking to someone other than us and I feel like Dr. R, is a really good fit. I have not taken Liam yet because I wanted to get Quinny settled first. He will go as well. I think this can only be a good thing, for the both of them. For all of us.

I hiked today. It was hot. Around 90 but I didn’t really notice. I never do. Nothing is hot enough/hard enough/hurts badly enough. I know what real pain feels like. It does not come in the form of Inferno Hiking. I found the little gift that somebody left for me at the bottom of the trail. I am assuming it was for me. It was at the bottom of my trail, very strategically placed. Sadly, I cannot accept your little gift. Or maybe sadly for you, but not for me. I am fine with saying, gee… thanks but no thanks. I have my own Roligion, to follow. See photos below:

I left you some Ronan bracelets instead. This was the nice version of what I decided to do today. The not so nice version, was not very pretty. I am actually very proud of my self-control. I am actually proud that my anger did not take over. It made me laugh instead. I needed that after coming out of MY church today, drenched in sweat. I felt better after I went to my church and talked to my Ro. I do not need a book to tell me how to do that. Why haven’t people figured that out by now? Why does the Bible/Jesus thing keep getting pushed on me? I do not like when things are shoved down my throat so just stop. I’m never going to get on board with that book of make-believe. That is what it is to ME and if that offends you, then so be it. I am not here to tell people what is real or what is not because the bottom line is, obviously I JUST DO NOT KNOW. All I know is it does not work for me. If it works for you, great! If it works for you, that makes me happy! More power to you! I have my own beliefs and this is enough for me. It is more than enough. I will get through this, with my OWN book, in my OWN church, with my OWN beliefs. I am proud of what they are and honestly, I am still learning, so I am proud of that too. They are changing and I can feel my own spirituality growing. I am o.k. with marching to my own beat. I am sorry if you are not, but that is not something I can control. It is disrespectful to push your religious beliefs on another, especially when they are grieving. An opinion is one thing. I can be respectful of opinions, but pushing is not o.k. It makes me sick to my stomach. So just stop. I will find my own fucking way. Ronan will not let me down. I know this.

Ro baby. Do you know what else happened today? I sat at Dr. R, with your daddy. I was quiet. I had my guard up as I often do in there. I cried a lot. I don’t like to listen to how much we are both hurting. It makes everything 1000 times worse. I don’t like your daddy to hear how much pain I am really in, out loud. It’s much easier for me to keep it to myself. To shut people out. To be totally vulnerable, is so brave. I’m not that brave when it comes to vulnerability. I am a good pushing everyone away. Except for a few people in my life. I have a few people that I don’t push away for some reason. A few is all I really need as of now. I think Dr. R is kind of a loss for what to do with us. Because as I told her, we don’t have normal marital problems. We have one problem and that is a dead child. And how do you fix that? You don’t. You can’t. It is the one problem, that cannot be fixed. As we were getting ready to leave there, we were walking out and she goes, “You should come and run the San Diego Marathon with me, June 3rd.” I just looked at her and said, “I haven’t been running. At all. I haven’t trained in time to run a full marathon.” She then goes, “Well, just do the half, I’m doing the full.” A huge smile fell across my face. Running a marathon, without having trained for it?? “I’m in. I’ll run the marathon with you. Not the half, the full.” She said, “Look what I have to do, to get you to smile.” I left there, smiling alright. I left there and had about 50 different thoughts run through my mind. I ran them all past Rita. I called her and said, “I’m running a full marathon, June 3rd, without training for it. Except I’d like to change the name to, Maya would like to die, so let’s see if running 26.2 miles, will kill her.” She did not like the name of the marathon. We came up with some better one’s instead. We came up with a few really good ones. Like how about, “If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a marathon, without training for it.” Or Maya’s Marathon of Madness. I kind of really like that one. Rita and I came up with some genius ideas tonight to make this, really, really fun. And maybe raise some money in the process as well to get Dr. Mosse’s trail funded. It’s time to start saving some babes. I can totally do this. I have you to push me and I know you can get me through anything. ANYTHING. So, it’s a done deal. I registered tonight. June 3rd, I am running the full marathon in San Diego. I’m excited. Rita and I are going to hash out our plan of action this weekend. Cancer fighting ninja’s in full effect. BRING. IT. ON.

You’re daddy thinks I’m nuts. So does Rita. She called me a lunatic today. I’d agree with her. I’ll be the first to admit it. But it makes me feel spicy. My craziness, reminds me of you. And why not do this? Why not? I have nothing to lose. Not a thing. I think of you, and all that you went through. I think of you, and how you’ll never get to run a marathon. I will run this for you, because I can. Because I am alive so that simply means, I can. I am alive and I am healthy so why the fuck not?? It’s good enough reason for me, Ronan. I don’t have a reason for lame excuses. I want to run this marathon, so I’m going to. End of story. I said after the NYC marathon, that I’d never run another one due to it being so hard. Well, back then, I did not know what real pain felt like. Now I do which is why I know this marathon is not going to be a big deal. I’ve totally got this. Go big or go fucking home, right?? Right.

This is all for tonight. It’s late. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite sweet boy. I miss you so much that at times, I don’t think you were real. I’m sorry for everything.

1)Dying 2)Depression 3)Pregnancy 4) Mental Ward 5) Let’s just go to Mexico!

Ronan. If I am not pregnant, I think I am severely depressed. I told Rita this tonight. I don’t know what it feels like to be depressed, because I never have been. I’ve been traumatized over losing you so badly that I can’t function, but I would not call that depressed. I would call that just a mom, who has had the worst thing that could possibly happen to her, happen. And then you are left, feeling blind, deaf, dumb, alone, abandoned, shocked, scared, numb, tormented, miserable, heartbroken, physically ill, and like you too, would like to die. You are left thinking the pain alone, will kill you. But it does not. So you get up, somehow. I’m not sure how, but you do. I did. I feel like I have been moving on a high-speed train for months now. Doing so much, but it all felt good. Doing good things/being productive is what is saving me. Doing all of this while still respecting this pain. The high speed train has come to a halt. I am so freaking tired. I worry that it is because I have done so much/too much and now your 1 year since you’ve been gone is approaching. Your 5th birthday is shortly after too. I am going to freak out if I am this tired, and it is not due to being pregnant. This is so not like me. I don’t get tired. I run off constant energy and adrenalin. I can do 50 tasks at once, while hiking Camelback, blindfolded, juggling apples behind my back. Not this past week. This is not the flu or step throat or anything like that. This is something more. It’s either I’m really, really sad…. or pregnant. If this is what depression feels like, HOLY FUCK. It is scary. I do not enjoy this. Rita says if I am not pregnant, then we will be doing a lot of night hiking. Good solution, Rita. Seriously.

There are some things in life, that I am asked to do, and I just cannot do them without you. In my old life, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. In this new life I have learned to say no. There are certain situations that I know I can mentally/emotionally not handle. So, I have started to say no to things that I know will be too painful for me to do. Your daddy is so supportive of me and the way I am doing this. He knows when he comes to find me in the shower to ask me if I am ready, and he finds me crying hysterically saying, “Please, I cannot go without Ronan. Don’t make me go without him!” He knows not to make me. He just looks at me, kisses my forehead and tells me it’s alright, that I do not have to go. This is one of the 10 billion reasons that I love him so much. But I would still kill him if it meant I could bring you back. You see, RO… why couldn’t I have just left it at being one of the 10 billion reasons I love him so much? Why did I have to throw that killing him for you thing in there? Because that’s how my mind works. It’s kind of dark and twisted, in a pretty way. At least I think it’s pretty. But I am a sucker for a dark and twisted mind. I think they are the best minds to have.

I wish I had more to say tonight. I honestly don’t think I left the house all weekend. I’m feeling that crummy. I met Rita at Trader Joe’s. We Robombed the place with your little cards. That was the highlight of my weekend. Well, that and snuggling up to your brothers while we watched oh so bad but oh so good, 80’s movies. Ummm… hello, “Licence to Drive.” Top 5 fav 80’s movie of all time. I loved those Cory’s. Quinn cracked up at it. Liam thought it was stupid and actually went into the bedroom with your daddy to watch, “Storage Wars,” or something. He is obsessed with that show. Those brothers of yours… they are so stinking rad. I am so lucky to have them. I was so lucky to have you. I’ll never understand why you had to go. I miss you so much.

I’m sleepy, tired, and sad. I love you to the moon and back. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I hate this for all of us. I hate this most of all, for you. I hate that you are not here, and I don’t get to take care of  you. This destroys me. This is so not how things should have to be. I hope you are safe. Please be safe. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

I have an idea on how save Liam and Quinn’s childhood. Just bring Ronan back!

Ronan. I had a whole big post written out last night and I don’t know what I did, but poof! It disappeared and I could not recover it. Dang it! It was a good one too. I’m going to write a new little post as it’s early in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’ll tell you about yesterday. About how in this new life, how something as simple as being around certain people, makes me feel closer to you. How being around certain people, make me feel happy and it’s not anything I can explain. Your Fairy RoMother is in town and I got to spend much of the day with her yesterday. I hijacked her and took her to one of your favorite restaurants were we gorged ourselves on chips, salsa, tacos, mexican cokes for a couple of hours while we continued our evil plot to take over the world. Or at least the kids are dying/getting cancer and nobody gives a fuck world. We sat outside, enjoyed the warm breezy weather and to get caught up on all the little life things that have gone on. Your favorite lovie stopped by. I had told him a couple of days prior that Kath was coming into town and if he wanted to meet one of the most amazing souls on the planet, now was his chance. He jumped at the opportunity and stopped by just to meet her. It was so sweet. It could have been one of my top 5 favorite days ever, since losing you just due to the company alone. After we had way too many tacos, chips and salsa, we returned back to our house where your Fairly RoMother had the chance to say hello to your daddy and meet your brothers. I was so happy she was able to meet them and see your daddy. It made for a pretty perfect ending to a pretty perfect day.

I spent the rest of the evening doing what I normally do. I waited for the sun to go down before I slipped out for a run. You should have heard the things going on in my head last night while I was getting ready for my run. “Oh, you can’t go yet…. it’s still a little light outside. It’s still too bright.” What the hell is wrong with me? It’s as if I truly think I am a part of the Cullen Family from the Twilight movie and if I go out into the sun, bad things will happen. Sometimes I truly do feel if I spent too much time outside in this bright world, that I am going to explode. Do you know there is an official phobia of this? Fear of the sun? There is. It’s called Hellenologophobia and I think I have it. I think I have it and I live in Arizona. Lovely. After I returned from my dark run of the night, I spent the rest of the evening with your brothers while your daddy slipped out for a few hours. I cuddled up with those brothers of yours and watched a movie. We all fell asleep in our bed. I fell asleep for about 2 hours, Quinn fell asleep in bed next to me, and Liam was cuddled up in the bed I had made for him on the floor. He likes to sleep in our room a lot now and we are o.k. with this. It’s comforting to your brothers, so sometimes we have big slumber parties in our room. Your brothers love this and I’m going to embrace this for as long as possible because I know it won’t last forever.

So, I knew this was going to happen when I wrote my last little blog post and said something about telling Quinn he was not allowed to complain about stupid shorts, because Ben died and we are not allowed to complain about silly things in life anymore. I knew I was opening Pandora’s box with this little tid bit. It’s amazing, what people just assume due to reading what I write. It’s amazing how people are so quick to judge and put such hurtful things out there with their opinions/advice/words. I got a lot of, “It is not Liam and Quinn’s job to change the world! Stop putting so much pressure on them! Let them be kids! Save them from this evil life you are creating!” I would just like to say this. Dear OUTSIDE READERS WHO JUDGE AND DO NOT TRULY KNOW OUR FAMILY, shut it. It is NOT your place to come in here and judge my parenting skills. My parenting skills are not up for negotiations or up on the chopping block. I am a good mom. Despite how harsh the words I write on here sometimes seem to be, it is only because I am THAT hard on myself. I am a good mom. Woody is the BEST dad. And Liam and Quinn are the most amazing little boys, even after going through something like this. Do we live our life differently from most families? I have no clue, because I don’t sit around comparing ourselves to others. I know how we do things, how we have always done things, and it is not much different now, then before losing Ronan. We have always been very open about everything that is going on. We don’t hide things. We expect a lot from Liam and Quinn, while letting them be kids. They have always been aware of the sadness that exists in the world. They have always been aware of the pain that exists. I think I’ve said this before, but I had to stop watching the nightly news in front of Quinn at the age of 2 and a half because he would become so concerned with what was going on, why people would hurt others, and he would always want to know how he could fix them. I don’t know if it is a nature or nurture thing with Liam and Quinn, but they are both two of the most compassionate/wise souls I have ever known. Ronan was this way too. I don’t know why or how, but I am sure the way we live our lives has a lot to do with it too. By being super open, honest, loving and kind. So, sending them off to school with “Ben died so stop complaining,” may seem shocking to some, but it’s not to us. Their baby brother died. With this comes the lesson that EVERY SINGLE DAY is precious. And we are not going to waste it by complaining by silly things that just do not matter, when there are real problems in the world to complain about. It was just me, having a pure, honest moment with my boys. They both know about Ben. We have talked about it in-depth and we do not make death a scary thing that hangs over our heads in our house. We don’t obsess over it. We don’t dwell on it. We are teaching our boys that yes, this awful thing happened, but we are a strong family and Ronan would be so proud of us for continuing to live life by being happy and being a family. I don’t think I’ve ever said I need Liam or Quinn to change the world. That’s what I have Ronan for. I don’t ever think I’ve said that Liam and Quinn will spend the rest of their lives, going on this cancer crusade with me. This is my job, not anyone else’s. I don’t care what they do, as long as they are kind to others and do whatever it is, that THEY CHOOSE to do, they do it with passion and by trying their hardest. I don’t think this is such a bad thing to expect. I do not think my little boys, feel like Ronan is this bigger person, who they live in the shadow of because he is that HOLY and MIGHTY. He was their little brother. He died. We are all sad about that but in no way, shape or form would we hold that over our twins’ heads. Do you know how I send my twins off to school, everyday when I drop them off? I tell them this. “Please try your hardest today. Please help others. Please be kind. But don’t take any crap from anyone. I love you. Have the best day ever.” This is our motto in our family: Be kind but don’t take anyone’s shit. Stand up for yourself but don’t hurt others. Help others when you are in a position to do so. Be strong and brave and try your hardest. Do your best. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Be proud of who you are. It’s pretty simple stuff, really. There is no need for the opinions and advice from outsiders on this subject. I have Woody who is my insane voice of reason. He walks on water and the fact that he told our boys the other night, “Your mom is going to change the world, we are so lucky to have her,” is all the reassurance that I need. Woody believes in me. Liam and Quinn believe in me. They support me. I support them. We support each other. They all bring me back to reality when I am beating myself up which I do a lot of. They remind me that I am doing alright. The proof is in the pudding. Liam and Quinn are excelling at everything they are doing. Grades, school, sports, and just being kids like every 8-year-old should get to be. They just now get to be 8 year olds, who lost their little brother, but it will never define them. It will never be who they are, but it will always be a part of them. So, that’s my rant for the morning. And I think I even did it without saying the fuck word which is just not right. So fucking fuck. Liam and Quinn are just fine. But if you want to “save them,” just bring Ronan back. I mean really, that’s all it would take. If you can’t do that, then shut it. Mind your own business and stop judging me by words that you read. It’s not o.k. to just assume things and put your own experiences on other people’s lives. If I were off shooting heroin, drinking myself into a black hole, then maybe it would be o.k. to say your peace. But I’m not. Not even close. I am at home, every single night with my family. I use this blog as my outlet to say things that I feel and to vent because I hold so much back during the day when I am in mommy/wife/responsiblity world. These are my words and if you don’t like them, that is your problem. Do not try to make it mine.

That’s all for this morning little bug. I miss you and I am trying everyday to figure this new life out. It is sad, scary, dark and not fun. But the glimpses of light that shine through every once in awhile make me smile. They remind me that you would want me to keep going, to keep trying, to keep living. As painful as it is at times, I know I don’t have a choice. I will not waste my life and give up. I live for you. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

You and Ben. Ben and You.

Ronan. I have had so much go on the past couple of days but all I can think about is Ben died today. Those are the words that jolted me out of my Ambien induced coma last night at 12:11 a.m. I was asleep, in Quinn’s bed and you know once I take my Ambien, World War II could be going on in our house and I wouldn’t know it. Last night, I was ripped from my sleep and straight up in my bed, not knowing why. I reached for my phone because something just felt not right. That’s when I read the words, “Ben died today.” My stomach dropped. I immediately sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text that simply said, Ben died. Fuck. Fuc (which is our code word for Fuck You Cancer) I got up, I kind of remember going into our bedroom and just saying out loud to your Daddy, “Ben died. FUCK!” I don’t remember what happened next except my face was very wet. I woke up in the morning, back in Quinn’s bed praying that I had only dreamed of Ben dying. I grabbed my phone and read the words, once again. No. No. No. No. Not Ben. I got up, showered, got your brothers up as we were running late. I was in the middle of making lunches. Your brothers came out to grab some breakfast. Your Quinny was complaining about the shorts your daddy had picked out for him to wear to school. They were just normal, corduroy shorts and I told him how handsome he looked. He started to say how he didn’t want to wear them, how it wasn’t fair. I stopped in the middle of making his sandwich, looked at him and I said, “Ben died. Ben died and you are going to complain about the shorts you are wearing? You are not allowed to do that.” Was this too harsh for an 8-year-old? I don’t fucking think so. It’s real life. It’s real life where I’m sorry but we don’t get to complain about things that don’t fucking matter anymore. There are bigger problems in life. I refuse to let your brothers, forget that. I refuse to let them grow up in a world where they are ungrateful that they are alive and get to wear stupid shorts that look nice when all they want to do is wear Nike Basketball shorts. It’s not happening when you and Ben would have given anything to wear nice corduroy shorts.

So Ro. I knew that day I saw Ben at America’s Taco Shop that it was really you that I was seeing. It was not just a coincidence. It was a very well orchestrated plan thought out by you. I knew that day, that Ben probably was not going to be around much longer. I knew that this was your way of telling me this, but it was also your way of telling me that you were going to take care of him. I knew this then, but I know this now for a fact. I have not told his mama this. I talked to her today. I wanted to tell her this, but I could not find the words. I was the one, crying on the end of the phone while I listened to her tell me that she was fine. How she was cleaning the house, but she was fine. What do you say to that? I did the only thing I know how to do. I simply said, “Barb. You are not fine. You are in shock. You are having a physical reaction to Ben being gone and your mind and your body are trying to protect you.” She said she wasn’t sure, that she really felt fine. The tears slid down my cheeks. “O.k.,” I said. “Please just know that I am here when the shock wears off. I’m much further down this road, so I kind of get it. Not entirely, but kind of.” All I wanted to do was reach through the phone and wrap my arms around her. All I wanted to do was to bring Ben back so she wouldn’t have to be fine. I felt so useless and so helpless. I tried to think back to what happened right after I lost you. I don’t remember much but I think I wrote to you. I’m sure there were so many people out there going, “Has she LOST her mind?!! Who writes a blog post, not even 24 hours after their child dies?!!!” I guess that was my version of being fine. Everybody deals with things differently. There is no right answer. You know what else, makes me love Ben’s mom even more? The fact that when she did do her update (I’m assuming it was her) that she simply titled it, “Ben died yesterday.” That was very Maya like if I do say so myself. Regardless if they are religious or not, it was so fucking refreshing not to read, “HALLELUJAH! Ben is with our Lord Jesus Christ! We are so happy!” The next caring bridge that I have to read, that says something like that, I’m going to punch my fucking computer screen. I don’t care how much you believe in God…. stop fucking lying. No parent is happy and rejoicing that their child is dead. Let’s call a spade and fucking spade. I don’t care if God is your fucking BFF. The fact of the matter is your child is gone and let’s just be honest for .2 seconds and be honest about it like Ben’s mom. Ben died. That says enough. That says everything and more. It is enough. Just let it be enough and nobody needs to scream Hallelujah about it.

I know I worry about you being safe, Ronan. But I don’t worry about Ben, because I know he is with you. Does that make sense? I may not know that you are safe, but I know you are now watching after your little buddy and I know that you two are together and so I know you have a little friend to pal around with. I pictured you two, today playing with each other and running all around. I actually pictured you both on this earth and how you would have been great friends. You don’t get to be here together so you being somewhere else, will have to do. It was easy for me to picture the two of you, together which is weird because we didn’t even know Ben that well. We only had a few interactions with him but they were always one’s that I could not forget. I never could get his little mischievous smile, out of my mind. It was so much like yours.

Words failed me today with Ben’s mom. There are no words that could ever be good enough. I’m so sorry was all I could really do. If I had to tell her some things, it would be this.

This should not have happened. It should not have and you don’t ever have to be o.k. with this. You won’t ever, “get better,” or get over this. And you should not. He was your Ben. Your one and only sweet Ben and this just proves that life is not fucking fair. Nobody will ever have a Ben like yours. This is o.k. You are the only one that was special enough to have him. People will try to understand but they won’t. This is o.k. too. He is your best kept little secret. Your love is your best kept little secret. The best kept little secret that nobody can take away from you because it lives closest to your heart and your heart, ONLY. Nobody else’s. Ben knows how much you loved him. Ben knows you would have traded your life for his in an instant but it was not your choice. You will learn to accept this and let his love, guide you for the rest of your life. Don’t question your heart. Ever. With anything you do anymore. Even if that just means deciding what to cook for dinner. Everything will eventually mean so much more than it did before because Ben will be behind everything you do. Not that he wasn’t already before, but now his light will become that much stronger even on your darkest of days when you don’t want to get out of bed. Don’t fight this. Stay in bed and have lots of dark days. He is worth every single tear. He is worth your shattered, broken heart. He will help you put it back together when it is time. There is no time frame for this. Don’t listen when you hear this gets easier as time goes on. Time is irrelevant. Time means nothing. Time has stopped. You were his teacher for an amount of time, that was cut way too short. Let him be your teacher now. I know he has so much he wants to teach you. I know he has so much he is going to teach you. He will keep you safe. I promise. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry and I wish I could bring him back. I can’t so Ro will watch over him. I don’t believe in much these days, but I believe in this. I don’t just believe in this, I know this. I love you. I love Ben. I love the love you two have for one another. Not had. HAVE. You will always have that. Always.

Alright Ro baby. It’s been a long day full of too many tears and homemade potato latkes. I peeled the fuck out of the potatoes today while I cried for you, me, our family, Ben, and Ben’s family. I made some pretty kick ass potato latkes. You would have loved them. I’m sorry that cancer is an asshole, therefore you couldn’t be here to eat them. I’m sorry. I’m sad. I love you and I hope you are safe. Thanks for taking good care of Ben. I love you both to the moon and back. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend

Ronan. Does it sometimes feel like I want to rain on everybody’s happy parade? Because I don’t. I am happy there are happy people out there. I am happy that most people out there do not know what it feels like to lose a child….. well, I may be taking the happy word a little too far, because you know I don’t know what happy feels like anymore. So let’s tell it like it is…. happy is not the right word. I am glad. Glad that most people won’t know this pain. But I really hope from reading this story, they get how lucky they are and they choose to live life a little differently. Just by knowing how it really is the small things in life, that matter the most. The sweet whispers of a child, the helping of a stranger, the butterfly kisses of the world, a child’s hand, laughter, a solid marriage, strong friendships, true friendships, loving yourself, soul mates, being kind to others, sparky eyes, and helping when you are in a position to do so. These are the things that matter in life. Nothing else.

I have some bereaved mommy confessions to make. I have a lot of them, but in order to confess them all, I would need to write a book. And maybe a good attorney to keep me out of jail. Let’s just start with a couple tonight. The one that makes me feel like such a jerk. Let’s call this one, “Confessions of a bereaved mommy who now hates to wear jewelry.” This didn’t happen until after I lost you. Until I started wearing your ashes around my neck. Until one day, I looked down at my diamond ring and got really mad. It made no sense. I did everything right. I married the right man. We loved each other. We had formed a house full of respect, love, compassion, strength and honesty. But now our baby boy, was dead. But I had the pretty jewelry. The jewelry was there, but you were not. I didn’t want the jewelry. I only wanted you. I slowly started to put all of my pretties away. Christmas and my birthday came and went. Guess what was given to me? A new pretty ring and matching earrings. Tears were cried over the gifts that I did not want. Your daddy only wanted to make me smile. But I cried instead. Take it away. I don’t want it. It’s too pretty for me to wear. And I am so ugly. Can’t you see how ugly and sad I am?? I don’t deserve to wear this pretty jewelry. I have Ronan, around my neck… I don’t need anything else. None of this stuff really matters and because life is not fair, the jewelry gets to stay and Ronan gets to die? I want the jewelry to die, instead. Your daddy insisted I keep it all. I did. I tried. I’ve worn the pretty ring and earrings once and it didn’t make me happy; it just makes me sad to look at. I put it away with the rest of my things. It came up tonight, again. I begged your daddy to take it all back. “I won’t wear it!” I told that daddy of yours. “But you are so thoughtful. Thank you. It really is the thought that counts, Daddy Woo….. but the only thing I need to wear…..is Ronan.” I’ll mix it up a bit, Ro. I’ll wear some inexpensive skull bracelets around my arms, your bracelets, or some cheap Forever 21 jewelry that is bright, but diamonds, gems, stones….. I can’t do it. I used to think diamonds were a girls best friend. I thought that, until I had my best friend taken away from me. A diamond cannot replace you. A diamond cannot bring you back. A diamond cannot make me smile. A diamond only makes me sad. I fight with this a lot. Because I know anything and everything your daddy does, comes from such a good place. So why can’t I just suck it up, smile, and wear the pretty things? I mean, really…. it could be so easy to do. If I were a fake. But that’s just one thing I’m not. I cannot suck it up and fake it with the stupid jewelry. This makes me feel like a big, fat jerk but I cannot look away from the lesson I’ve learned from all of this. Pretty jewelry, and I don’t care how much you have….. will never truly make a person happy. When everything else is stripped away, when the most important thing you’ve ever had in your life, is taken away and all you are left with is pretty jewelry….it will not mend a broken heart. It really just DOES NOT matter. It is not what is really important in life. It won’t stop the tears, sadness, emptiness, or loneliness one feels. It won’t bring back my smile or you. It is only a reflection of broken promises, hopes and dreams. It’s a facade. It is overcompensation for what was supposed to be, but never will be again.

I tried today. So freaking hard to have the HAPPIEST ROENTINE’S DAY EVER! I had some productive things to take care of. I had a meeting. I put on my game face. I did a lot of nice things, for others. I brought cupcakes to your Sharon at PCH. I had coffee with your other lovie and gave him our card. The smile it brought to his face, made my entire day. But his smile did not come with false words like most peoples do. His smile came with watery eyes and words like, “I know you are in excruciating pain…..” I know he knows, which makes my pain worse. I don’t like that other people hurt because of this. I never wanted to hurt anyone, Ro. Especially the one’s we love the most. It makes me sad.

Our new friend, Margarita, dropped off dinner because I have seem to have lost my cooking skills/desire. (Total inside joke for my Saline Bean…. (“I seemed to have lost my keeeeysssss”) I sat at our table, in your spot and opened the cards from your Daddy, then Quinn, then Liam, and finally, you. Your card sang. I could hardly listen to it because the tears just started pouring. I smiled through my tears, kissed your daddy and brothers and told them thank you.

I drew a hot bath. Your brother, Quinn is still sick and Ronan…. confession number 2 of the night…. I cannot take care of him. It’s all I’ve been doing since Saturday and I am about to crack. I think I’ve become a bad mom. I would have never had these feelings before losing you. I feel like a big weight is on my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I don’t want to be a wife or a mom anymore. Do normal people feel this way? Or is it just me? Have I gone mad? I think so. I must be mad. Insane. And sad. So very sad.

I tried to make it a very special day, Ro….. but all I did was think about you and Ben. Ben with the Bald Head. Ben who likes to eat sushi and listen to The Beatles. Ben who has a very sad mommy for the worst reason possible. I’ll attach Ben’s caring bridge tonight because I need everyone to send them their extra thoughts, love, prayers and whatever else you might do. I’m only sending them you, Ro. Only you.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/benpurcell/journal

Please think about Ro and Ben all you people out there, reading this. Please don’t just make this your bedtime story while you sit reading it, dripping in your diamonds or ice cream. Please do something to help us change this… for your kids, your grandkids, your neighbors, your friends, for anyone you love. Please help us change this, because as of now…. our pain is not yours. But bubbles can burst at anytime. Never trust a bubble.

Ro baby. It’s Ambien coma out tonight. I have not taken anything in a week. I have been sleeping like a baby, in your bed, without Ambien. I’ve been sleeping in my dead babies bed. I can’t believe this is true, but it is. Today was too much. Tonight is too much. I need a break. I just need a break from all the screaming, crying, laughing, T.V., conversations, vivid dreams of everyone but you. Where are you? Why won’t you visit me, in my dreams? I miss you so much. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I hope you are safe. I love you, baby doll.

xoxo

A Bed of Fire

Ronan. I swear time stood still today. I knew that reality was going to come crashing down hard after the New York fuckeverythingimabadass high came to a halt. Yeah it did and it hurts. I knew I was in for it when I wrestled with my sleep all last night. I fought the devil aka, Ambien last night and won, but my sleep suffered. I was really trying hard to unwind last night, but of course my mind was racing. I have such a hard time being in our bed where you and I spent so much time while you were sick. I often feel like I am laying in a bed of fire. Just as I was settling down, I realized that I had left your GiGi in my car. FUCK. It was late but all I could think to myself was you have to get up and go and get Ronan’s GiGi. You are such a bad mom if you don’t. He could never sleep without it and now you have to take care of it for him. I got up, threw on my most favorite big, chunky hospital sweater that I used to wear with you, and ran outside to get your blanket. I thought that would help me go to sleep. It didn’t. I came back to bed and tossed and turned. Your daddy woke up and tried to get me to settle down. I usually want to punch him for being able to fall asleep so easily and peacefully. I didn’t want to punch him last night. I was just really sad. I got up and went to check on Liam and Quinn. They were both snuggled up on Quinn’s bottom bunk bed together. I crawled up in the top bunk bed where Liam usually sleeps. It was about 3:30 a.m……. my witching hour around here because that is when you passed away. I fell into somewhat of a sleep and dreamed only dreams of myself, fighting with everyone I love. I woke up to hearing your brothers get up and into the shower. Quinn crawled up to give me a kiss good morning. I got up, felt groggy and knew due to my lack of sleep that it was going to be a really hard day. Hard day was an understatement. A hard day would have been welcomed. I’ll never know what a hard day in the normal world feels like again. Days like today are absolute hell. I tried to be productive. I made of list of random things that I needed to get done. I did most of them and checked them off. Checking things off on a list usually makes me feel better. Not today. But I suffered through this day, solo, ignoring everyone’s phone calls. Less and less people call now and that’s o.k. I wouldn’t pick up anyway. I went to pick up Liam and Quinn from school and as I was waiting, I was staring out the window with tears pouring down my cheeks. I decided to check the comment part of this blog which I try to keep up on, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by reading them. I appreciate them all, so please continue to write them. It’s on days like today, that they really do help. Somebody posted this and it was so beautifully written that I just had to post it on here tonight. Thanks Leslie.

Grief has dropped a bomb in your life. You are shattered, blasted, blown apart and all but nearly destroyed. Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live. You don’t know how. You can’t see. You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you. You don’t understand, you will never understand. You lay down amongst the rubble for you can do nothing else and you cry, like you have never cried in your life before and you think why me, why this, why RO?
And somehow without knowing how you uncurl yourself and brush yet more tears from your face and you walk. You begin to pick up a shard, a broken piece of your life here and a broken piece there. They don’t fit together anymore, they can’t. There is no going back to what once was. And as each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to you now and to everyone else. Your pieces have become you. They speak of your strength, of your courage and they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broken you, the loving you and the wonderful you.

Love is never lost, always in your heart and soul, right where Ro is…

I cried harder when I read those words though. It makes me think that there are strangers out there, who kind of get this. Leslie got it today and I was thankful for that. Once I grabbed your brothers from school, we came home and did their homework. It was all I could do to muster up the energy to help them. I retreated to our bedroom and laid down with Quinny who fell asleep before basketball practice. I didn’t sleep with him, but I held him as he slept and I cried. Your daddy came and woke Quinn up as it was time for basketball practice. I stayed home as I swear I was paralyzed with grief today. After everyone got home from basketball practice, Liam was begging to go back out to the Village to play some more basketball so your daddy took him. Quinn stayed home with me. At one point, we were in the kitchen. He looked at me and asked me why my eyes were so red. I just said to him that I had been crying. He asked why. I said, “I just miss Ronan. Why else would I be crying?” He looked sad and told me he loved me. We went into the bedroom and I asked him if it was o.k. if we watched a movie. He said o.k. We put on, “The Help.” So, I’m not a good judge of much things anymore, because everything seems so sad to me and I cry over everything…..but was that movie, really, really, sad??? And also, insanely good??? I think I cried though almost all of it all while I explained to your 8-year-old brother, the cruel ways of the world. Especially the past. But I also explained to him the beauty that can come from fighting hard for something you believe in, no matter how wrong people tell you, you are. He watched the movie with wide eyes and asked questions the entire way though as he was really wanting to understand it. He didn’t understand what the KKK was or why anybody would want to hurt another person over the color of their skin. He soaked up everything about that movie tonight and told me he really liked it. He also told me he thinks Emma Stone is really pretty because she doesn’t look like everyone else and looking different, is pretty. Ummmm….. hello little Casanova. Some girl, is going to be really, really, lucky someday. He is such a wise little soul. Liam is too. So were you. I think it’s something you were all 3 born with…. this deep, soulful spirit. Thinking about this, made me smile through my tears tonight but it didn’t stop them from falling.

I’m just sad. And tired. And sorry. So very sorry. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. I still can’t believe I couldn’t save you. I still think this is all my fault. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to fix this but no matter what I do, this will never be better because you are gone and all I want is you back. I love you monkey boy. G’nite. Sweet dreams. I love you so much.

xoxo

Snow Falling in Flagstaff

Ronan. Guilt is what I feel at this time, in this moment. For living this life, without you here. For the smiles that I’ve smiled, for the laugher I’ve done, for the love I’ve given to your brothers. Guilt for going on when you know, all I want to do is be with you. I wonder if the reason you insisted on being with me, almost every second of every day of the almost 4 years that I had you, is because you knew you wouldn’t be able to stay with me forever. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. I wonder if you are as sad as I am because we are apart. I think that you are and it kills me that there is nothing that I can do about it. I can’t wipe your tears, hold you close and tell you that everything is going to be alright. I can’t promise you that I’ll never let anything happen to you, because it did. The worst possible thing that could have happened, did. And I will never stop being sorry for that. It is so unfair that the four of us are left here and you are gone. I constantly feel like I have forgotten you somewhere. I am constantly looking over my shoulder for you to come running around the corner. I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for you.

I have been struggling with my sleep so much. The devil, Ambien has been in and out of my life since you were diagnosed. I try not to take it, but I’ve had a solid 3 weeks where I have taken it almost every night. Dr. Jo told me to try Valerian Root last week. She told me she takes 2 of those and she is out cold. So, I took 4 a few nights ago and nothing. I ended up taking my Ambien instead. I haven’t taken my Ambien for 3 nights in a row now. It has been horrific. The first night I fell asleep in our bed, with your daddy. I was in and out of sleep the entire night. I felt like my body was on fire. I had the most awful nightmares. I was watching myself scream your name, knowing that you were dead, but nobody could hear me or help me. Sounds like my real life. When I take Ambien, it puts me into such a heavy sleep, that I don’t dream at all. When I don’t take it, I toss and turn all night long, only to dream the most awful things. So what’s worse? I don’t know as they both seem bad. I know that I don’t want to rely on something to sleep so I am going to try to continue to tough this out. And if I need a break every once in a while, for now, it is o.k. Dr. Jo is trying to get me to meditate before bed or to try some yoga. It’s worth a shot, right??

We spent the weekend up in Flagstaff. It was another 3 day weekend and staying home just didn’t seem like an option. We tend to go stir crazy without you around. It’s like everyone is trying to overcompensate for the fact that you are not here. We headed up on Saturday and spent a couple of days enjoying the cooler weather and lazy days. Your daddy was actually able to relax. I tried too but it was hard to be up there for the first time, without you. I had a moment where I was walking into the living room and Liam was sitting down at the table on the floor. The top of his head, looked so much like the color of your hair, that I thought it was you. It was like I had the wind knocked out of me when I realized it was not. Your brothers were so kind to each other this weekend. They are such good boys. They didn’t fight at all, which seems so rare these days. I watched them as they played together, took care of each other, and helped out with a lot of the things we asked of them. We all snuggled on the couch and watched some movies, your daddy took them on an Arctic Cat ride, I took a long nap with Quinn, which I never do anymore. I snuggled up to him and let him remind me of you and the way we loved to take our naps together. Your brothers were extra sweet to me this weekend. I think they could tell I was sad about having to be without you, doing our normal family things that we loved to do. It snowed up in Flagstaff last night. I watched the snowflakes fall with tears in my eyes. You would have gone crazy over it and made me take you out in the middle of the night to play in it. I would have without hesitation.

It’s going to take a lot to heal us all. We all have some good ideas, of some things that can help. We are all being very open about our sadness and we talk about you all the time. But we are a different family now as we are all different people. Even your brothers. I keep wanting to write your little brothers. As if I feel that you were older then they are. I guess due to everything you went through and how strong you were about it all. I guess due to the fact that I now feel like you are older than them and you are the one watching out for them and protecting them. And the wisdom that you always had as you were so much wiser than your almost 4 years old of age. I always knew this about you. You truly were a gift to us all.

I have a busy week as I am leaving for New York soon. My solo trip that is much needed. I need some time to go back to our favorite city where I can just be for a little while. Some plans are falling into place which I am loving. I planned this trip without having anything to do but some very nice things are coming about. I am excited for the little adventure we are going to have together as I know you will be with me, the entire time.

Alright little man. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. I miss you so very much.

xoxo

There’s nothing like muddy boots on a rainy day

Ronan. I don’t know what happy feels like anymore. But being back here, is the closest thing to happy I’ve felt since losing you. It’s no secret. I’m a Washington girl at heart. I love everything about the Pacific Northwest. I think it’s one of the most beautiful places on the planet. I really needed to get out of Arizona and the forever bright, sunny skies and fake plastic trees. I needed some rain, gloom, and mud. I needed some down time without feeling the never-ending pressure of being busy and on the go. I needed to get away from the sociopathic “friend,” that I cannot seem to escape. I needed room to breathe. I miss it here. I’ve been hiding out though. Spending time with just your brothers, Nana, and Papa Jim. Normally, I would make time to see all the old familiar faces that I miss so much. But I’ve been too scared. I know what I look like and it’s not pretty. It’s sad and painful. I would rather keep sad and painful to myself. I’ve haven’t really left your Nana and Papa’s house. Except to run the lake. This has been my only escape. The rain has been constant, just the way I like it. I’m going to be sad to leave and get back to the sun that constantly seems to be blinding me. I am glad we came and I am glad we had the best time possible. We all missed you though. That never goes away no matter where we go.

Tonight, your brothers and I went to dinner with Nana and Papa. I’m trying to keep my meal down but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We stopped at the lake after dinner. I told your brothers how when I ran the lake today, I stopped and swung on the swings. I asked if they wanted to swing tonight in the cold, dark, rainy weather. They said they did so we had Papa Jim pull over and let us out of the truck. We ran around on the playground together. They were so excited as the playground equipment is all new and it had lots of fun things to play on. I dared Quinn to go down the big slide even though it was soaking wet. He did. Liam followed and ran around shouting how he was “The King of the WORLD!!!!!!!” as he climbed to some tall tower. We all talked about how much you would have gone crazy on this playground. I was able to put my sadness for you, away in my little back pocket for the 15 minutes that we played. I chased your brothers. I pushed them on the swings. I ran around with them. It reminded me of how much I love them. I mean, I know this Ronan. But when going through something like this, pain overshadows everything and it makes it hard to feel like you are able to feel love again. It might be the protection mode I have gone into as well. There was nobody closer than the two of us and then you got sick and died. I have put up a wall as it seems to be instinctual to me, to protect myself from getting hurt again. This wall was invisible tonight. It disappeared. I watched your brothers and seeing how happy they were, running around late at night, with just me, made everything else disappear. It was a good reminder that I have done such a good job with them so far, and I don’t want to fuck that up anymore than I already have. I want to be a better mama to them. I want to not be so sad all the time. I want to be thankful that I have them. They are everything to me. They deserve to have a mom who has fun with them. It’s been on this trip that I have found that part of myself again. Being here, changes everything. I just hope I don’t lose it again when we head back to AZ. Being here reminds me of how the simple things in life, really are the best. Childhood should not be about watching sports on T.V. and playing video games. It should be about jumping in mud puddles, getting dirty and not caring. It should be about going on trail walks, awesome playgrounds, shooting guns, playing in tree houses, learning about nature, spending time with your grandparents and a little girl named BriBri who is like my little sister. Who I have known since she was 5 and she is now 17. I was so scared to see her. She loved you so much, Ro and you loved her even more. I didn’t even try to hide it. As soon as I saw her, I jumped on her and fell into her arms. I held her and got teary eyed. She didn’t have to say anything…. I know she is broken into a million pieces too. It was hard for me to see. I was always her older sister who was going to protect her from everything in the world. And now this. She has to watch me, go through the worst thing possible. I’m so sorry for that. Our sisterly time together was always spent talking about boys, colleges, high school, make-up, movies, and everything we did revolved around you 3 boys. Now it’s just 2 and it is so wrong that we don’t know what to do. I tried my best to ask her things about her life that are going on. I used to be able to give her the best sisterly advice. Now, I know nothing because there are no guarantees in life, except for death. I am not about to sit and talk to my innocent 17-year-old sissy about that. I used to be so much fun. I used to be “cool” to her. Now I’m just the sad mom who lost the most beautiful boy in the world. I’m the sad mom who fought for 8 months taking care of her cancer baby. I’m changed. I’m different. But the bond between us two girls will always be there. Once you love someone with all of your heart, nothing can stand in the way of that. We will find our place back together again. Baby steps. It’s just so hard because I know deep down, all we want to do is curl up together and cry. And that might have to happen at some point to just get it out there and acknowledge what has happened. The most awful thing in the world that makes people so uncomfortable and sad, that they would rather just not talk about it. I get it. I love you Boo. I will forever think of you as my little sister. I will promise to try to take care of you like I used to. I won’t let this too much reality, come between us. And you are 17 now! So crazy! You are so young, beautiful, and have your whole life in front of you. I know you are going to do amazing things. I hope I can guide you the best I am capable of. I miss that so much.

And today. 12.29.2011, it’s been 10 years. 10 years since I married my best friend. A relationship that started off on a crazy night. A relationship that I knew on our first date, that I was going to marry him. We bonded over late night dance parties to his juke box. Playing Zelda for sometimes weeks when we had off breaks from school. We were both night owls and loved to sleep in late. Our love for concerts and music. His, Pearl Jam. Mine, Prince. But I ended up converting over to Pearl Jam and became just as crazy for them as he was. We were two young kids, who were crazy for each other from the beginning. Here we are 10 years later. It seems like just yesterday that I married my Woo. We had such big plans for our 10 year. Tomorrow, I’ll be in an airport coming home late at night to him. Tomorrow, will just be another day. So it is tonight that I will tell him some things. And I know I don’t talk about him a lot on here and that is mostly because this is about my adventure with Ronan and my pain and sadness. Some things are too sacred to me still….. such as him. I also know that my husband is my best kept secret and I’d like to keep him that way. Could you imagine all the hussies that would try to go after him if they knew how amazing he really is??? I am not up for dealing with skanky bitches at the moment. Because if word got out, that a real life prince charming existed, I would be screwed. But he does. It is him. I married him. He is the best thing that has ever been mine. I’m not going to lie….. this has been super hard on both of us, individually. As a couple, we are still doing o.k. Not great, but that’s just because we are always so sad. But he still opens my car doors, he still kisses me goodnight, he still tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me. I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole who pushes away as I don’t think I’m worthy of feeling his love because I feel like everything is my fault. And he is the last person in the world who deserved any of this. I have a lot of guilt and anger that I am dealing with and sometimes I take it out on my easiest target, which is the person who loves me most. HIM. He is a saint. He is a gem. He is the truest, most honest, thoughtful, caring, brilliant, charming, and witty man on the planet. I sometimes take him for granted because I get stuck in my head that I can’t feel any of the things he so badly wants to give me again because you died, Ro. I hate that I have to admit all of this shit to you all. I wish I could tell you I am just as amazing as him, but I’m not. Not even close. I’m the asshole. And I’m so sorry Woody. I’m crazy about you. I love you so much. I am so sorry we had to lose our little boy. I’ll never stop telling you I’m sorry. But I’ll never stop telling you I love you either. I know we are fine. But fine is not good enough. I know we can get back to a somewhat happy life again because we started this together, crazy in love, and that’s never changed. Not even after going through something as awful as this.

O.k. Stopping now. I don’t want to completely mortify my husband who prefers to keep things a little more quiet and private. I’m an open book and I am so glad he is o.k. with that. He must really love me to put up with me and the shit I write on here:) I don’t think many husbands would tolerate that. So thank you Wood. For after 10 years of marriage, you still make me want to be a better person. Everyday. That’s how I knew you were the one for me when we first starting dating. You made me want to be the best version of myself that I could be. That is powerful stuff right there. You know it’s true when the other person can inspire such greatness in you. I love you to the moon and back. Again, I am so very sorry. I know how much you miss him too. I would give anything to bring him back to you. We are going to be o.k. I promise to try to not be such an asshole. I promise to try to start living the way Ronan would have wanted me to. But I know when the sadness comes, you will be there to hold my hand. I will try not to push you away so much. I love you Woo. I love you Ro. We both hope you are safe. We are both sorry. You were perfect to us. You were our everything to this entire family. We are trying, baby. The stakes are high, this waters rough, but this love is ours.

G’nite my spicy monkey boy. I love you.

xoxo

Adam Spofford owns a laptop. And meet Gary.

Ronan. A few things have happened since I’ve last written. I’ll start with Gary. Gary the stuffed animal that I bought for you in Starbucks. Gary who I didn’t tell anyone about, except for Dr. JoRo. I was waiting to board the plane with your Daddy and brothers. I was so sad. I didn’t want to get on the plane. I was sitting down. Quinn came and sat next to me. He saw Gary in my purse. He pulled him out and asked what he was and said he smelled like coffee. I told Quinn, that I had bought him for you. I said to Quinn, “Ronan would have liked him, don’t you think?” He smiled and said yes. I asked Quinn what you would have named him. I watched as Quinn got nervous and his little eyes started to tear up. He said he didn’t know. He didn’t want to answer me. He kept looking at the ground. I pushed him and told him just to think of the first name that popped into his head. He took a minute to answer me. He shyly looked up at me and goes, “I don’t know. Maybe Gary.” I thought I was hearing things. I said to him, “That’s exactly what I named him!” I grabbed Quinny’s face and kissed his lips. I told him I loved him. I took it as a sign from you, that I had to get on the airplane and go. During mid-flight, I could hear your daddy and Liam laughing behind us. They started handing us little post it notes that somebody had left in their in flight magazine. The post it notes said things like, “LOSER.” a game of tic-tac-toe was played. Hearts were drawn. But the best one said, “Adam Spofford owns a laptop. This is his laptop. It sucks.” xoxo- a friend. I don’t know why, but these little post it notes from a previous flyer, probably a 10-year-old girl, made us laugh. And trust me, we really needed to laugh. I made it though the flight. Quinn slept on me. Everything in my body hurt. The memories came flooding back of all the flights I taken with you and how sick you were. The memory came flooding back of our last flight together. How you could hardly move because you were in so much pain. I tried to push these memories out of my head. But they are here to stay. Forever. I know this.

We landed really late. Around midnight. It’s our first time to Nana and Papa’s, without you. Painful beyond words. But as I said before, necessary. Everything is so pretty. Nana made sure you are everywhere. Her tree is done up all purple just for you. Your stocking is hanging in between Liam and Quinn’s, just like it should be. Gifts bursting out of it. Your pictures are still all over her house, just as they have always been. Everything is the same, yet different. Nana’s house is perfectly sparkly, warm, cozy, and so welcoming. She has always been so good at this as I know, we are all her whole world. The house is full of laugher, despite you being gone. Not from me but from your brothers and Papa Jim. The never-ending goofing off and playing games that is going on is all too familiar. It’s just the way it has always been. I miss your giggles the most though. It is so obvious they are missing.

We drove to the beach yesterday to go clam digging. I slept most of the way as your Papa Jim drove us. I closed my eyes and thought of you almost the whole way there. I knew exactly where you would have sat, what you would have worn, the things that you would have said. The entire car ride would have been completely different. I know all of this. We arrived to the beach where we were greeted by the cold, wet weather. My favorite. I got out of the car and helped your brothers get all bundled up. We ran out to the ocean in our rubber boots. The tide was out really far and it was drizzling rain. I was playing with Liam. A small wave came chasing after us. A small wave that was much bigger than I had thought. We both ran but it caught up to us. I watched as Liam’s boots were flooded with water and he got soaking wet. I did as well. Within the first 15 minutes, we both had soggy boots and wet jeans. I laughed as I knew if you had been with us, you would have been drenched as well. I took Liam back to the truck and changed his socks but the damage was done…. once your boots are wet, forget about it. We toughed it out for the next hour but we were soon frozen. We headed back to the truck and watched as your daddy, Quinn, and Papa Jim dug for clams. They didn’t get a single one but it didn’t matter. It was all about the adventure and letting them make the happy memories they deserve. Our drive home was long. We played games in the car. I looked out the window and was reminded of why I love it here so much. There is something so peaceful about the Pacific Northwest. I decided that it was a really good thing, that we came here for Christmas. I needed to get away from the rat race of Phoenix. I needed a break. I needed some fresh air. I needed to breathe. I feel like I am suffocating in AZ. A change of scenery has been good, for as hard as I thought it was going to be….. it isn’t as bad as I had anticipated. We all needed this.

I spent this morning with your daddy. I think he was a little worried that we didn’t have gifts for your brothers. He woke me up early to get out of the house. I put up a fight about going out as I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I didn’t. I got up and showered. We ran into town. There are 3 choices when it comes to shopping in this little town. The closest one being Super Walmart. It was totally a Super Walmart kind of day. We roamed the aisles. I got mad. I got sad. I think I told him everything was stupid when I turned down an aisle and saw EVERYTHING STAR WARS. I walked off. I found some 3 wheeled bike in the middle of the bike aisle that was not attached to anything. It had an awesome basket on it. I started riding it around the store. I instantly felt better. Your daddy found me and gave me one of his, “What in the world are you doing looks?” I just smiled and told him I wanted to buy the bike. He knows I’m ridiculous and told me to come with him as he had found some things for your brothers. He led me over to the weapon aisle. Weapons. Now this is something I can get behind. He showed me some Airsoft Guns he thought they would like. You would have liked them too. I think they are kind of like bb guns, only safer. Maybe. I’m not really sure but they look like fun. I told him sure. Whatever. I started roaming the aisle for other treats. I grabbed a Machete and put it in the cart. Your daddy gave me the look again. I told him I needed the machete. He told me I indeed, did not need a machete. He told me to put it back and he would buy me my own Air Gun for Christmas. Fine I said. I put it back although I didn’t want to. I could have cut down a lot of wilderness with that Machete and protected us from the zombies that lurk about. When it Rome…….
The rest of the day was spent playing. I played outside with your brothers and Papa Jim. We played hide and seek. We played basketball. We played. I laughed. I cried. I missed you. I went into town and ran the lake. Tomorrow is Christmas. Fucking Fuck. I’m still here. I don’t think I’m going to die. I wondered this last night though. I wondered if the pain from loving you so much and missing you so much, will actually kill me. Or if the pain from loving you so much and missing you so much, will get me though this. Will it kill me or just make me stronger? I don’t want to be stronger. I don’t want to be strong. I just want you back.
I have to go now. Merry Christmas Eve baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
And P.S. little lovely overly concerned blog readers. No. NO. No. I’m not going to go on anti-depresents. So stop encouraging it. If it works for you, lovely. But it’s not my cup of tea. I’m doing this alone. Solo. I don’t want any help from a stupid little pill that will not make my dead son, come back. If someone can invent a pill that will bring him back, I would take it in a heartbeat. Unless this is the case, I’m not interested. But thanks for your concern. Merry Fucking Christmas!