Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend

Ronan. Does it sometimes feel like I want to rain on everybody’s happy parade? Because I don’t. I am happy there are happy people out there. I am happy that most people out there do not know what it feels like to lose a child….. well, I may be taking the happy word a little too far, because you know I don’t know what happy feels like anymore. So let’s tell it like it is…. happy is not the right word. I am glad. Glad that most people won’t know this pain. But I really hope from reading this story, they get how lucky they are and they choose to live life a little differently. Just by knowing how it really is the small things in life, that matter the most. The sweet whispers of a child, the helping of a stranger, the butterfly kisses of the world, a child’s hand, laughter, a solid marriage, strong friendships, true friendships, loving yourself, soul mates, being kind to others, sparky eyes, and helping when you are in a position to do so. These are the things that matter in life. Nothing else.

I have some bereaved mommy confessions to make. I have a lot of them, but in order to confess them all, I would need to write a book. And maybe a good attorney to keep me out of jail. Let’s just start with a couple tonight. The one that makes me feel like such a jerk. Let’s call this one, “Confessions of a bereaved mommy who now hates to wear jewelry.” This didn’t happen until after I lost you. Until I started wearing your ashes around my neck. Until one day, I looked down at my diamond ring and got really mad. It made no sense. I did everything right. I married the right man. We loved each other. We had formed a house full of respect, love, compassion, strength and honesty. But now our baby boy, was dead. But I had the pretty jewelry. The jewelry was there, but you were not. I didn’t want the jewelry. I only wanted you. I slowly started to put all of my pretties away. Christmas and my birthday came and went. Guess what was given to me? A new pretty ring and matching earrings. Tears were cried over the gifts that I did not want. Your daddy only wanted to make me smile. But I cried instead. Take it away. I don’t want it. It’s too pretty for me to wear. And I am so ugly. Can’t you see how ugly and sad I am?? I don’t deserve to wear this pretty jewelry. I have Ronan, around my neck… I don’t need anything else. None of this stuff really matters and because life is not fair, the jewelry gets to stay and Ronan gets to die? I want the jewelry to die, instead. Your daddy insisted I keep it all. I did. I tried. I’ve worn the pretty ring and earrings once and it didn’t make me happy; it just makes me sad to look at. I put it away with the rest of my things. It came up tonight, again. I begged your daddy to take it all back. “I won’t wear it!” I told that daddy of yours. “But you are so thoughtful. Thank you. It really is the thought that counts, Daddy Woo….. but the only thing I need to wear… Ronan.” I’ll mix it up a bit, Ro. I’ll wear some inexpensive skull bracelets around my arms, your bracelets, or some cheap Forever 21 jewelry that is bright, but diamonds, gems, stones….. I can’t do it. I used to think diamonds were a girls best friend. I thought that, until I had my best friend taken away from me. A diamond cannot replace you. A diamond cannot bring you back. A diamond cannot make me smile. A diamond only makes me sad. I fight with this a lot. Because I know anything and everything your daddy does, comes from such a good place. So why can’t I just suck it up, smile, and wear the pretty things? I mean, really…. it could be so easy to do. If I were a fake. But that’s just one thing I’m not. I cannot suck it up and fake it with the stupid jewelry. This makes me feel like a big, fat jerk but I cannot look away from the lesson I’ve learned from all of this. Pretty jewelry, and I don’t care how much you have….. will never truly make a person happy. When everything else is stripped away, when the most important thing you’ve ever had in your life, is taken away and all you are left with is pretty jewelry….it will not mend a broken heart. It really just DOES NOT matter. It is not what is really important in life. It won’t stop the tears, sadness, emptiness, or loneliness one feels. It won’t bring back my smile or you. It is only a reflection of broken promises, hopes and dreams. It’s a facade. It is overcompensation for what was supposed to be, but never will be again.

I tried today. So freaking hard to have the HAPPIEST ROENTINE’S DAY EVER! I had some productive things to take care of. I had a meeting. I put on my game face. I did a lot of nice things, for others. I brought cupcakes to your Sharon at PCH. I had coffee with your other lovie and gave him our card. The smile it brought to his face, made my entire day. But his smile did not come with false words like most peoples do. His smile came with watery eyes and words like, “I know you are in excruciating pain…..” I know he knows, which makes my pain worse. I don’t like that other people hurt because of this. I never wanted to hurt anyone, Ro. Especially the one’s we love the most. It makes me sad.

Our new friend, Margarita, dropped off dinner because I have seem to have lost my cooking skills/desire. (Total inside joke for my Saline Bean…. (“I seemed to have lost my keeeeysssss”) I sat at our table, in your spot and opened the cards from your Daddy, then Quinn, then Liam, and finally, you. Your card sang. I could hardly listen to it because the tears just started pouring. I smiled through my tears, kissed your daddy and brothers and told them thank you.

I drew a hot bath. Your brother, Quinn is still sick and Ronan…. confession number 2 of the night…. I cannot take care of him. It’s all I’ve been doing since Saturday and I am about to crack. I think I’ve become a bad mom. I would have never had these feelings before losing you. I feel like a big weight is on my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I don’t want to be a wife or a mom anymore. Do normal people feel this way? Or is it just me? Have I gone mad? I think so. I must be mad. Insane. And sad. So very sad.

I tried to make it a very special day, Ro….. but all I did was think about you and Ben. Ben with the Bald Head. Ben who likes to eat sushi and listen to The Beatles. Ben who has a very sad mommy for the worst reason possible. I’ll attach Ben’s caring bridge tonight because I need everyone to send them their extra thoughts, love, prayers and whatever else you might do. I’m only sending them you, Ro. Only you.

Please think about Ro and Ben all you people out there, reading this. Please don’t just make this your bedtime story while you sit reading it, dripping in your diamonds or ice cream. Please do something to help us change this… for your kids, your grandkids, your neighbors, your friends, for anyone you love. Please help us change this, because as of now…. our pain is not yours. But bubbles can burst at anytime. Never trust a bubble.

Ro baby. It’s Ambien coma out tonight. I have not taken anything in a week. I have been sleeping like a baby, in your bed, without Ambien. I’ve been sleeping in my dead babies bed. I can’t believe this is true, but it is. Today was too much. Tonight is too much. I need a break. I just need a break from all the screaming, crying, laughing, T.V., conversations, vivid dreams of everyone but you. Where are you? Why won’t you visit me, in my dreams? I miss you so much. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I hope you are safe. I love you, baby doll.


20 responses to “Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend”

  1. Your raw and real emotions are yours and nobody should judge you for them. I said to my 9 year old once when he said it was the worst day ever that other kids are dying from cancer and to not complain over homework!

    Just wanted to let you know the Children’s Cancer Society here in Portland has been doing a 2 day fundraiser to raise money. The word is getting out there. People are becoming more aware. The ACS and their claim that children’s cancer is rare can suck it!

  2. After last night’s post…I was so worried about Ben and Mia–and then Ben’s caringbridge update came through on my email today and I almost barfed…I knew it was not going to be good and all I could come up with on this day in which love should be focused on and treasured even a tiny bit more than it is each and every other day–was sorrow–for Ben and for his family. For all the families like him. If only love were enough, mothers and fathers would not be watching their babies die before their very own eyes. FUC

  3. I used to want a matching diamond eternity ring to match my diamond wedding band until the day I discovered this blog (thanks to the beautiful CC)…suddenly another diamond ring seemed ridiculous. WHY did I want one? So people could admire how it sparkled? How fucking ridiculous of me. I’d rather spend $1000 on Ronan bracelets to be honest.
    But I am getting so frustrated with people’s complete and utter disregard for childhood cancer. I have actually had people ask me to exclude them from my childhood cancer posts on facebook. And parents who say they can’t read it because it’s ‘too sad’. How the hell are they going to feel if, Ro forbid, this happens to their kids and they had the opportunity to at least educate themselves on the subject. I want to scream at them. And at my husband for asking me why on earth I would want to send something to Supernate to keep him occupied whilst he’s in hospital. I looked at him in surprise and said “because I can make a difference…it’s such a small thing for me to do but will make a big difference to a 3 year old.” Why can’t people just care? I’m so sad today. Sad for you, sad for all the other families out there and sad for these kids. People I thought WOULD care just don’t. It’s fucked.

  4. I don’t know how you do it…..i truly don’t. I think it is completely normal to want a different life….because your life is so different from your completely normal. One of my best friends lost her baby….and she tried to live her same existence but it proved too painful so she changed everything….she moved from her home and started to find a new normal….we all supported her every move…she is existing every day….with a new normal….i took my baby girl to the eye dr. today…she has been seeing double and having headaches….i thought about u and Ro the whole time and what incredible strength you two have… are an amazing Mom….
    .i feel the same way about jewelry…and any type of wasteful living for that matter….you have changed me…you awoke a force inside of me that has made me become a more aware, caring, patient woman and momma….thank you for your honesty, strength, weakness and Ro…i miss him and I never met him….love, love, love

  5. Your blog has changed my life, the way I parent, how long I hold my little boy’s hand or just pick them up while they sleep. I am so sorry it took this for so many of us to be grateful for what we have. For us to realize that our bubble may burst at anytime. I am so sorry and so embarrassed.

    You are an amazing mommy. Please don’t ever doubt that. You are “Rotacular”. Praying for Ben, Mia and their families. I’m heartbroken you have to share this news but so thankful that you have.

  6. Maya, I have cried for you and for RO and for other families battling cancer. I have faced people that insist that it’s depressing to follow this sort of thing, and second the comment above about “why can’t people just care.” It’s not too depressing. It’s the truth, and could happen to any one of us. Education and Awareness. You are doing it RoMama. I don’t know that I would have the strength you have to do the things you do, even with your “confessions.”

    But, I wrote to you, this time, with a confession of my own. I have read your posts and felt so lucky to have my two healthy beautiful boys, just by reading your struggles. However, it was not until this very post that I looked at all the needless, careless, meaningless things around me and how selfish I’ve been, admiring that new shiny thing in the glass case. Not until this post, did you make me realize that I have so much more to be thankful for, and need not be asking for ANYTHING.. If I could have one wish right now it would be to bring your Ro back to you….

    I hope you know how much inspiration you are giving those of us with “normal” lives. I know it makes you angry to have to be the bearer of this burden, sharing your Ro and your story and your feelings with everyone. But this one truly changed this mama. I don’t think I’ll ever look at another shiny posession the same again…Thank you Maya.

  7. Paula
    I just feel for you. Your writing is so to the bone and pure! Its so true, people get caught up in the dumbest things, like jewlery and money. I just joined the blog, came across it. From someone elses link on facebook. MY daughter is a Neuroblastoma survivor, and I feel so guilty saying that to a person who lost their child. But I at least have learned the true meaning of life, That only family, love and the little things matter. Your children need you, and its ok to let them see you sad and mad. I just feel for you. Have you read the book Heaven is for real?The version meant for adults. Well, if you havent I suggest you do. It may give you some comfort. I have friends who have also lost children to Cancer. So damn sickening and tough, and just unfair. I am so sorry. But know you are not alone, and someday you will reunite with your precious son. He is safe in Heaven.

  8. Maya,

    Thanks for your rawness. So very true, all the material things are that.

    Hope you have sweet dreams with your spicy blue eyed monkey. Sweet dreams RoMama!!!

  9. You really need to start living again for those that little Ro has left behind. His brothers and your sons and Ro’s daddy, your husband. You have to come back to this side of life and start living the life little Ro would have wanted you to live. He wants you to be happy and enjoy your life with his brothers and his Daddy. Raise awareness but keep your family as closes to you as you can. Enjoy and indulge them all along the way. Life is short and we need to live every moment as if it were our last. Love ya girl… Be happy and stop being so damn sad. You can’t bring him back and we know you will never let his memory die. Let his love live on in a happy loving memory. A sweet memory…

  10. I think this may be one of my top 5 favorite Maya blog posts. I wish everyone could read it, and change their selfish, greedy, ignorant daily living. Thank you for being true to who you are and how you feel. You are changing so many people’s lives. I hate that it’s b/c of your horrific pain… but YOU ARE AMAZING, Romazing, don’t ever doubt that. Thinking of you… every, single, day.

  11. Maya..been away for a few days with work and have missed your blog so very much. That said I did think of you and Ronan many times. It’s funny as I have never met you and didn’t have the joy of knowing Ronan but I find you in my thoughts a great deal. Your world is forever changed – dark, scary and isolating. I get that and it breaks my heart – someone like you with a light shining from your eyes and love radiating from your heart and soul should not feel darkness and devastating pain. Please know that there are many of us out here that wish with all our hearts that we could bring your precious Ro back so you could nuzzle his neck, hold his hand and skip down the road to pick flowers again. I know we can’t but we still wish it to the moon and back and always will. I hope in some small way that knowing that we hold you in our hearts and that you make a huge diffference in our lives, in how we feel about life and the silly things we used to fret about, in knowing how lucky we are and that life can change so suddenly, that you will see a bighter sky and sunshine. Ronan’s sparkles are lighting the world and making it a more loving and warmer place – much more than any diamond ever could. Fuckety fuck to fucking cancer and big beaming sunbeams to you. xx

  12. Again, thank you for your honesty.
    Our daughter-in-law sent us a link to a website for the 4 year-old daughter of their friends. She has brain cancer. I read the website, posted it on Facebook, and closed it. I’m not working and Tom isn’t working much so I didn’t think there was anything I could do other than spread the word. This morning, I woke up realizing that we could donate a few dollars. We can give up something because we have healthy kids (adults) and a healthy granddaughter. For that we are thankful every minute of every day and we should put some muscle behind the thanks. The few dollars we donated won’t make a huge difference, but they are our way of expressing our gratitude for our healthy family.

  13. Maya….you are so right about all of the material things. They do not matter. We spent our RoEntines Day doing nice things for each other…we should everyday.

    I am so, so sad to hear about Ben. I will not give up hope, and will be thinking of him and all the other children that deserve to beat cancer.

    The word IS getting out Maya! You and Ro are doing amazing things.



  14. I just hate the fucking fact that you have to go through this and that you have to live without Ro. I so wish there was something more I can do. It ain’t right. Fuck you, Cancer, FUCK YOU. YOU MUST NOT WIN.

  15. Thank you for the reminder that diamonds mean nothing, nothing. Families mean everything. Hard to watch you suffer so deeply. As for me, I am changing my charities to include cancer support for children and the Ronan Thompson foundation. Hugs to you.

  16. I LOVE your quote at the beginning, so so true! I’m so sorry you have to exist here without your Ro. I’m so sad for all the families going through what you’ve already been through. A little boy in my son’s preschool class has cancer now and is currently at PCH. It seems like I just keep hearing of these sad stories more and more. It’s scary because it can happen to any of us. You have learned some valuable lessons through all of this and I love how you share them with everyone reading this blog. You remind people to value what really matters and to make the most of each day because there are no guarantee’s or recipe’s for a perfect life! Cut yourself some slack, Maya, you are a good mom and a good wife, you’ve been through a lot to say the least! My prayer’s go out for Ben and his family. Sending tons of love your way today, as always! xoxo Oh, there is a run 5k/10k to benefit the Ryan House. It’s in March. Thought you may be interested 🙂 God bless…

  17. Maya – did you know you can have some of Ronan’s ashes turned into a diamond? I’ve never tried it, nor do I know anyone that has, but here’s the first link I found if you are interested:

  18. This is my first time reading your blog. I just want to thank you so much for doing this. I came to you from a little girl who lost her battle, Jessie Joy Rees. I have always donated to St. Judes Children’s Research Hospital because I thought I cared about childhood cancer, and I did. But, I have recently found out that I did not care enough. I was one of those people that could not bare to listen to the stories of babies struggling to survive and parents losing their precious children. Until Jessie…her story touched my heart in a way that I felt like I had to listen, I had to help!!! Now I can not stop listening to these stories. And I am so grateful to you for your story! Maya, you will never know how you and your handsome Ro are changing people’s lives. Ever since I read about Ronan’s life and the battle he had to fight, and saw those amazing blue eyes…I have become a better Mommy. As deeply as I hurt for you and your family to have to go through this unimaginable hell, I know that it could be me next, and I am not going to sit on the sidelines and watch. I am going to do something!! The first thing is to spread the word…and that is when I came to this Romazing Blog. The pain I felt in your words came through so strongly, I had to get up a few times to compose myself. I just kept thinking…what if this was me…what if it were one of my children? You have changed me in the most profound way. I have always thought cancer sucked, but now I HATE it. FU Cancer! I will fight with you! You are such a strong and Roagious woman! You will get back to being the wife and mother that you always were, but give yourself that time to heal in your own way. God had a purpose for your Ronan…you might not see it, but I do…he has changed my life! And your words of truth have forever changed the way I look at my own life! Thank you Maya.

  19. I cannot read your blog due to that annoying pop up requesting me to follow (which I already do on bloglovin) could not get rid of it!

  20. Maya,
    There are so man things I love about you and Ro. One thing that i’ve been thinking about a lot recently, though, is that you say so many things about how you hate God ( I don’t blame you at all, even though I’m a Christian) but you still accept that a lot of us on here are, so you ask us to pray, even though you don’t pray, at least to God. I trust you completely, and you are 100% entitled to your opinions, and this is your outlet. I think it’s okay for you to be pissed off, devastated, I would be too if my son had just died. ~Isabelle

    PS I am saving up money to donate to Ronan’s Foundation at Christmas. It will be my present to the world ❤

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