Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend

Ronan. Does it sometimes feel like I want to rain on everybody’s happy parade? Because I don’t. I am happy there are happy people out there. I am happy that most people out there do not know what it feels like to lose a child….. well, I may be taking the happy word a little too far, because you know I don’t know what happy feels like anymore. So let’s tell it like it is…. happy is not the right word. I am glad. Glad that most people won’t know this pain. But I really hope from reading this story, they get how lucky they are and they choose to live life a little differently. Just by knowing how it really is the small things in life, that matter the most. The sweet whispers of a child, the helping of a stranger, the butterfly kisses of the world, a child’s hand, laughter, a solid marriage, strong friendships, true friendships, loving yourself, soul mates, being kind to others, sparky eyes, and helping when you are in a position to do so. These are the things that matter in life. Nothing else.

I have some bereaved mommy confessions to make. I have a lot of them, but in order to confess them all, I would need to write a book. And maybe a good attorney to keep me out of jail. Let’s just start with a couple tonight. The one that makes me feel like such a jerk. Let’s call this one, “Confessions of a bereaved mommy who now hates to wear jewelry.” This didn’t happen until after I lost you. Until I started wearing your ashes around my neck. Until one day, I looked down at my diamond ring and got really mad. It made no sense. I did everything right. I married the right man. We loved each other. We had formed a house full of respect, love, compassion, strength and honesty. But now our baby boy, was dead. But I had the pretty jewelry. The jewelry was there, but you were not. I didn’t want the jewelry. I only wanted you. I slowly started to put all of my pretties away. Christmas and my birthday came and went. Guess what was given to me? A new pretty ring and matching earrings. Tears were cried over the gifts that I did not want. Your daddy only wanted to make me smile. But I cried instead. Take it away. I don’t want it. It’s too pretty for me to wear. And I am so ugly. Can’t you see how ugly and sad I am?? I don’t deserve to wear this pretty jewelry. I have Ronan, around my neck… I don’t need anything else. None of this stuff really matters and because life is not fair, the jewelry gets to stay and Ronan gets to die? I want the jewelry to die, instead. Your daddy insisted I keep it all. I did. I tried. I’ve worn the pretty ring and earrings once and it didn’t make me happy; it just makes me sad to look at. I put it away with the rest of my things. It came up tonight, again. I begged your daddy to take it all back. “I won’t wear it!” I told that daddy of yours. “But you are so thoughtful. Thank you. It really is the thought that counts, Daddy Woo….. but the only thing I need to wear… Ronan.” I’ll mix it up a bit, Ro. I’ll wear some inexpensive skull bracelets around my arms, your bracelets, or some cheap Forever 21 jewelry that is bright, but diamonds, gems, stones….. I can’t do it. I used to think diamonds were a girls best friend. I thought that, until I had my best friend taken away from me. A diamond cannot replace you. A diamond cannot bring you back. A diamond cannot make me smile. A diamond only makes me sad. I fight with this a lot. Because I know anything and everything your daddy does, comes from such a good place. So why can’t I just suck it up, smile, and wear the pretty things? I mean, really…. it could be so easy to do. If I were a fake. But that’s just one thing I’m not. I cannot suck it up and fake it with the stupid jewelry. This makes me feel like a big, fat jerk but I cannot look away from the lesson I’ve learned from all of this. Pretty jewelry, and I don’t care how much you have….. will never truly make a person happy. When everything else is stripped away, when the most important thing you’ve ever had in your life, is taken away and all you are left with is pretty jewelry….it will not mend a broken heart. It really just DOES NOT matter. It is not what is really important in life. It won’t stop the tears, sadness, emptiness, or loneliness one feels. It won’t bring back my smile or you. It is only a reflection of broken promises, hopes and dreams. It’s a facade. It is overcompensation for what was supposed to be, but never will be again.

I tried today. So freaking hard to have the HAPPIEST ROENTINE’S DAY EVER! I had some productive things to take care of. I had a meeting. I put on my game face. I did a lot of nice things, for others. I brought cupcakes to your Sharon at PCH. I had coffee with your other lovie and gave him our card. The smile it brought to his face, made my entire day. But his smile did not come with false words like most peoples do. His smile came with watery eyes and words like, “I know you are in excruciating pain…..” I know he knows, which makes my pain worse. I don’t like that other people hurt because of this. I never wanted to hurt anyone, Ro. Especially the one’s we love the most. It makes me sad.

Our new friend, Margarita, dropped off dinner because I have seem to have lost my cooking skills/desire. (Total inside joke for my Saline Bean…. (“I seemed to have lost my keeeeysssss”) I sat at our table, in your spot and opened the cards from your Daddy, then Quinn, then Liam, and finally, you. Your card sang. I could hardly listen to it because the tears just started pouring. I smiled through my tears, kissed your daddy and brothers and told them thank you.

I drew a hot bath. Your brother, Quinn is still sick and Ronan…. confession number 2 of the night…. I cannot take care of him. It’s all I’ve been doing since Saturday and I am about to crack. I think I’ve become a bad mom. I would have never had these feelings before losing you. I feel like a big weight is on my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I don’t want to be a wife or a mom anymore. Do normal people feel this way? Or is it just me? Have I gone mad? I think so. I must be mad. Insane. And sad. So very sad.

I tried to make it a very special day, Ro….. but all I did was think about you and Ben. Ben with the Bald Head. Ben who likes to eat sushi and listen to The Beatles. Ben who has a very sad mommy for the worst reason possible. I’ll attach Ben’s caring bridge tonight because I need everyone to send them their extra thoughts, love, prayers and whatever else you might do. I’m only sending them you, Ro. Only you.

Please think about Ro and Ben all you people out there, reading this. Please don’t just make this your bedtime story while you sit reading it, dripping in your diamonds or ice cream. Please do something to help us change this… for your kids, your grandkids, your neighbors, your friends, for anyone you love. Please help us change this, because as of now…. our pain is not yours. But bubbles can burst at anytime. Never trust a bubble.

Ro baby. It’s Ambien coma out tonight. I have not taken anything in a week. I have been sleeping like a baby, in your bed, without Ambien. I’ve been sleeping in my dead babies bed. I can’t believe this is true, but it is. Today was too much. Tonight is too much. I need a break. I just need a break from all the screaming, crying, laughing, T.V., conversations, vivid dreams of everyone but you. Where are you? Why won’t you visit me, in my dreams? I miss you so much. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I hope you are safe. I love you, baby doll.


Magic Medicine….Round 5, Day 4

Whooo hoooo!!! Time for the Ronan’s done with Round 5 Happy Dance!! ¬†Everybody, stop reading, and get up and do it!! Yay Baby!! He will be coming home this afternoon. Yesterday, he was sick to his stomach again and had a pretty hard day. At one point he looked up at me and had little tears sliding down his cheeks and goes, ” I just want to go home. I miss Quinn, Liam, Daddy, Nana, Papa Jim, Mimi, Papa Charlie, and Santa Claus.” Ahhhh! I wanted to snatch him up and carry him out right then and there. Instead, Woody came around 4:30 and pretty much forced me to leave the hospital. I was kicked out by my own husband who knew I needed a break. I came home and slept and showered and woke back up around 6. I was beat. Mimi and Papa came and relieved Woody and stayed the night with Ronan. Thank you for that. As soon as I was up, I headed out to see what my mom, Jim and the boys were up to and I started going through the mail. There was a huge box by my door and I saw that it was from the clothing company, Fore!! Axel & Hudson. I set it on my counter and my mom and I opened it up. OHMYGOSH! Denise, if you are reading this- I don’t even know what to say. When you said you were putting together a box for Ronan, I expected a few things! Not your entire line and ALL of your hats! My mom and I were dying and just kept pulling more and more things out of the box. Ronan is going to be the most stylish little cancer patient ever! Thank you so much! Not to mention they sent a check to help with our trip to New York. I hope one day, I get to meet all of you behind all of this so Ronan and I can give you a big hug. You are going to make his day when he comes home and see’s all of his new, adorable clothes and hats. Don’t even get me started on the quality of the clothing. So beautiful and soft. You will forever be my favorite little boys line and I hope to throw a ton of business your way. Your hearts are amazing. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I want to try to call you today to tell you thank you on the phone. I had no idea my one little email would turn into something so amazing. And if any of you reading this are on Facebook or Twitter…. go find their page, and become a fan or follow them. They did a great little write up about Ronan.

Last night, I hung out with the twins, my parents, and Woody. We watched the ASU vs U of A game. Nice work, DEVILS!! ¬†The boys’ were in heaven and set up a “party” in their room which consisted of drinking Coke (OMG at 7:00 at night) and popcorn. It was too cute so I let it slide. I snuck out around 8:30 and walked to my friend Niki’s house for a little couch time. It’s my favorite couch in the world. Her husband, Mark, was home as well so we sat and talked for about an hour, then Woody came down to join us. Cheers to the 4 of us being together! It was a very nice, cozy evening with dear friends. Just what I needed.

I’ve got to go and get ready and head over to the hospital. We are bringing Ronan home today. Yay for that. Love you all. Fore!!! Axel and Hudson… You are going to help me change the world and the way it ignores childhood cancer. Thank you again!! xoxo