Adam Spofford owns a laptop. And meet Gary.

Ronan. A few things have happened since I’ve last written. I’ll start with Gary. Gary the stuffed animal that I bought for you in Starbucks. Gary who I didn’t tell anyone about, except for Dr. JoRo. I was waiting to board the plane with your Daddy and brothers. I was so sad. I didn’t want to get on the plane. I was sitting down. Quinn came and sat next to me. He saw Gary in my purse. He pulled him out and asked what he was and said he smelled like coffee. I told Quinn, that I had bought him for you. I said to Quinn, “Ronan would have liked him, don’t you think?” He smiled and said yes. I asked Quinn what you would have named him. I watched as Quinn got nervous and his little eyes started to tear up. He said he didn’t know. He didn’t want to answer me. He kept looking at the ground. I pushed him and told him just to think of the first name that popped into his head. He took a minute to answer me. He shyly looked up at me and goes, “I don’t know. Maybe Gary.” I thought I was hearing things. I said to him, “That’s exactly what I named him!” I grabbed Quinny’s face and kissed his lips. I told him I loved him. I took it as a sign from you, that I had to get on the airplane and go. During mid-flight, I could hear your daddy and Liam laughing behind us. They started handing us little post it notes that somebody had left in their in flight magazine. The post it notes said things like, “LOSER.” a game of tic-tac-toe was played. Hearts were drawn. But the best one said, “Adam Spofford owns a laptop. This is his laptop. It sucks.” xoxo- a friend. I don’t know why, but these little post it notes from a previous flyer, probably a 10-year-old girl, made us laugh. And trust me, we really needed to laugh. I made it though the flight. Quinn slept on me. Everything in my body hurt. The memories came flooding back of all the flights I taken with you and how sick you were. The memory came flooding back of our last flight together. How you could hardly move because you were in so much pain. I tried to push these memories out of my head. But they are here to stay. Forever. I know this.

We landed really late. Around midnight. It’s our first time to Nana and Papa’s, without you. Painful beyond words. But as I said before, necessary. Everything is so pretty. Nana made sure you are everywhere. Her tree is done up all purple just for you. Your stocking is hanging in between Liam and Quinn’s, just like it should be. Gifts bursting out of it. Your pictures are still all over her house, just as they have always been. Everything is the same, yet different. Nana’s house is perfectly sparkly, warm, cozy, and so welcoming. She has always been so good at this as I know, we are all her whole world. The house is full of laugher, despite you being gone. Not from me but from your brothers and Papa Jim. The never-ending goofing off and playing games that is going on is all too familiar. It’s just the way it has always been. I miss your giggles the most though. It is so obvious they are missing.

We drove to the beach yesterday to go clam digging. I slept most of the way as your Papa Jim drove us. I closed my eyes and thought of you almost the whole way there. I knew exactly where you would have sat, what you would have worn, the things that you would have said. The entire car ride would have been completely different. I know all of this. We arrived to the beach where we were greeted by the cold, wet weather. My favorite. I got out of the car and helped your brothers get all bundled up. We ran out to the ocean in our rubber boots. The tide was out really far and it was drizzling rain. I was playing with Liam. A small wave came chasing after us. A small wave that was much bigger than I had thought. We both ran but it caught up to us. I watched as Liam’s boots were flooded with water and he got soaking wet. I did as well. Within the first 15 minutes, we both had soggy boots and wet jeans. I laughed as I knew if you had been with us, you would have been drenched as well. I took Liam back to the truck and changed his socks but the damage was done…. once your boots are wet, forget about it. We toughed it out for the next hour but we were soon frozen. We headed back to the truck and watched as your daddy, Quinn, and Papa Jim dug for clams. They didn’t get a single one but it didn’t matter. It was all about the adventure and letting them make the happy memories they deserve. Our drive home was long. We played games in the car. I looked out the window and was reminded of why I love it here so much. There is something so peaceful about the Pacific Northwest. I decided that it was a really good thing, that we came here for Christmas. I needed to get away from the rat race of Phoenix. I needed a break. I needed some fresh air. I needed to breathe. I feel like I am suffocating in AZ. A change of scenery has been good, for as hard as I thought it was going to be….. it isn’t as bad as I had anticipated. We all needed this.

I spent this morning with your daddy. I think he was a little worried that we didn’t have gifts for your brothers. He woke me up early to get out of the house. I put up a fight about going out as I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I didn’t. I got up and showered. We ran into town. There are 3 choices when it comes to shopping in this little town. The closest one being Super Walmart. It was totally a Super Walmart kind of day. We roamed the aisles. I got mad. I got sad. I think I told him everything was stupid when I turned down an aisle and saw EVERYTHING STAR WARS. I walked off. I found some 3 wheeled bike in the middle of the bike aisle that was not attached to anything. It had an awesome basket on it. I started riding it around the store. I instantly felt better. Your daddy found me and gave me one of his, “What in the world are you doing looks?” I just smiled and told him I wanted to buy the bike. He knows I’m ridiculous and told me to come with him as he had found some things for your brothers. He led me over to the weapon aisle. Weapons. Now this is something I can get behind. He showed me some Airsoft Guns he thought they would like. You would have liked them too. I think they are kind of like bb guns, only safer. Maybe. I’m not really sure but they look like fun. I told him sure. Whatever. I started roaming the aisle for other treats. I grabbed a Machete and put it in the cart. Your daddy gave me the look again. I told him I needed the machete. He told me I indeed, did not need a machete. He told me to put it back and he would buy me my own Air Gun for Christmas. Fine I said. I put it back although I didn’t want to. I could have cut down a lot of wilderness with that Machete and protected us from the zombies that lurk about. When it Rome…….
The rest of the day was spent playing. I played outside with your brothers and Papa Jim. We played hide and seek. We played basketball. We played. I laughed. I cried. I missed you. I went into town and ran the lake. Tomorrow is Christmas. Fucking Fuck. I’m still here. I don’t think I’m going to die. I wondered this last night though. I wondered if the pain from loving you so much and missing you so much, will actually kill me. Or if the pain from loving you so much and missing you so much, will get me though this. Will it kill me or just make me stronger? I don’t want to be stronger. I don’t want to be strong. I just want you back.
I have to go now. Merry Christmas Eve baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe.
And P.S. little lovely overly concerned blog readers. No. NO. No. I’m not going to go on anti-depresents. So stop encouraging it. If it works for you, lovely. But it’s not my cup of tea. I’m doing this alone. Solo. I don’t want any help from a stupid little pill that will not make my dead son, come back. If someone can invent a pill that will bring him back, I would take it in a heartbeat. Unless this is the case, I’m not interested. But thanks for your concern. Merry Fucking Christmas!

37 responses to “Adam Spofford owns a laptop. And meet Gary.”

  1. Merry fucking UN christmas!! I’m glad your trip home is better than anticipated. Thinking of you all.

  2. Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!! Always Ro!!! Thinking if Woody, Liam and Quinn!!!

    Peace & strength during this difficult time!!!



  3. I wish there was more that I could say besides that my heart aches so much when I read your blog that it feels like my head will explode. I’m sure that doesn’t help you in any way but I think that you are amazing and brave and beautiful for being able to be so raw and honest. I can only picture how inspiring and wild Ro is to invoke so much love from those that were lucky enough to meet him and those who weren’t. I think of him everytime I say my 4 ye holds name, Beau and it makes me remember to let him get as dirty as he wants and loud as he wants and to be fucking thankful. Do what u have to, I don’t think any pill is going to make u feel better about this. I don’t think you should. How could anyone feel anytbing less than devestated, broken, and lost when they lose a child? You deserve to be happy but you have to find your own road to get there.

  4. So proud of you for getting on that plane, Maya. Liam and Quinn are so lucky to have you as their mama.
    On a side note; i think if more people had a dr jo and a woody there would be less people popping pills to mask their pain. Eventually the pain will bite you on the ass, pills or no pills. I think you are incredibly brave and I admire your strength, even when you’re having your worst days. ❤ < 3 ❤

  5. I totally would of went with you to fight the zombies. And pills are retarded. Music helps me. REALLY loud music. Plus, it keeps my little girls entertained, they like to boogie with me. Its the best. I hope your boys enjoy the guns you got them. I know little spicy Ro will be there with you. I know this Christmas is going to be hard. Its going to feel like the hardest thing in the world to do. But Maya, you can get through this. You are going to change the world. You and Ro. You have already changed my life and many others, by telling us Ros story, by inspiring us to be greater, by showing us that we can get through anything, by standing up for whats right and raising awareness. You and Ro and your family and all your helpers are amazing. I hope you know that so many people are thinking of you and yours, and that you are not alone. Merry fucking Christmas Maya, and FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!

  6. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and Ronan and your family. I popped in on your website (haven’t checked my e-mail in the last two days – I am a subscriber) and am happy to see you are on a trip. Change of scenery. It wont take away your pain, but sometimes something different is, well, different. Hang in there. You have a lot of supporters. You have changed me because by reading your letters to Ronan I realize how much life is a gift. I cherish my daughers so much more. Like the other readers, my heart just crushes when I read about your pain-a mother’s pain for her child. Nothing like it. Hang in there Maya.

  7. I’m glad you guys were able to get out of town! I hope it’s a nice visit for you with your family, as nice as can be expected. I am thinking of you this Christmas and sending you love and prayers, as always. Ronan would be proud of how you have handled everything and I know he is with you. God bless, xoxo

  8. Therese in Ireland Avatar
    Therese in Ireland

    For you Maya, and for Ronan. These lyrics are so appropriate today.

    “This is my winter song, December never felt so wrong, cause you’re not where you belong, inside my arms”. “This is my winter song to you, the storm is coming soon, it rolls in from the sea. My love a beacon in the night, my words will be your light, to carry you to me”.

    On this Christmas Day, your entire family are in our thoughts – sending you peace, comfort and light. And sending all of our love to you and Ronan xx

  9. Praying for peace as always Maya. I went to that same Walmart today. Washington is a wonderful place, I agree. I wish this hadn’t of happened. I think of you and your family daily and am just so sorry.

  10. No, anti-depressants are not retarded. They can be a life saver when on the right one for you and the right dosage for you. Medication can give your head and heart and soul a much needed break, not drugged out, not unaware of your surroundings, not suicidal, etc etc etc
    It can be a breath of fresh air in a vaccum. Temporary relief that helps you regain your clarity and rests your soul. Be strong enuf to accept assistance. What would Ronan want for his momma? …..Peace and a feeling of rejuvination to be able to continue the work in his name. You are a bright shining star burning…….don’t let it burn you out.
    Don’t knock something unless you have tried it. The key here is qualified Dr with knowledge of how the brain works and patience and time to get the right dose. Nothing forced on you. Can always come off of them. Everybody is different. The human body can only endure so much with out some respite.
    Going it on your own… well is that working for you? Consider the plus and minus of a genuine trial period.
    Mental attitude …… proactive not reactive…….. no dependance nor addiction is good ….. open mind and open heart ….. Ronan is at peace and no longer hurting, you should be – to be able to carry out his mission, your mission in his name.
    I am old enuf to be your mother or aunt or whatever. Life experience does qualify for consideration. Our life experience can help others.

    1. Everyone’s journey is different. If Maya doesn’t want to take anti depressants perhaps everyone should respect that decision and drop the subject. They’re obviously not for her.

      1. Well said. More diplomatic than the rest of us could’ve probably managed… Thank you.

      2. Definately with Tricia on that one.

    2. It’s nice to see an opinion on the other side of the spectrum, Lynn. I couldn’t agree with you more. I don’t think concern (such as yours, Lynn) should be confused with hostility or address with hostility!

      1. I could not agree more. Age brings wisdom and you will go crazy if you do not allow your brain to rest from thinking about this all the time. EVERY WAKING MINUTE.! Lynn is right in telling you that Ronan is at peace and the last thing he wants for you is to continue to grieve with such an intensity that you are on your way to a “rocking breakdown”. Ronan wants you to be a mother to Liam and Quin and a wife to his dad. He wants you to know he is happy because he is with you always, as long as your brain can function. If you have a breakdown, then he will be alone, Maya. Those who encourage Maya to continue to try to go it alone, are hurting her. She is not in a place to realize how serious this all is and what all she has to lose and how very sad it makes Ronan to see her this way. To attack someone because they do not agree with you is childish. Try the meds Maya, if you really want to make Ronan happy as well as the others who need you as their mom and wife and daughter and friend, you will stop being so stubborn and listen to those who love you.


    Thought this might be one song you might find some meaning in this year.

  12. hang in there Maya…these fucking holidays will be over soon. give Gary a hug…totally a sign from RoBaby 🙂 xokh

  13. Merry Ro Christmas Maya and the Thompson’s! Maya you are stronger than you know and I think that is Ronan’s mo Jo that is driving you on, moving you forward!! ((hugs))

  14. Gary is a great name and a great idea. Gald that you got away. I am dreading being in our house right now.

    If I ever invent or find a pill to bring back dead children I will send them to you asap and take 2 myself. Hope that the holidays are as happy as they can be and over quickly. Sending hugs and peace. Fuck you cancer!!

  15. There is a lump in my throat I can’t swallow this Christmas because I can’t stop thinking about you and your family, and Ronan. I thought about you the whole time I was running in Trail 100, with the snow on Four Peaks, and it was beautiful. I don’t know where Ronan is, but I really think you will see him again. It just feels like it has to be that way. I hope next Christmas doesn’t feel as bad as this one.

  16. Maya, so glad you got a sign from Ro through dear Quinn! I hope you are all managing some joy in this day, you included – for Ro if not yourself. He wants you all to carry on and celebrate your love as a forever family of five!
    This has nothing to do with antidepressants, but you said in a couple different posts that you felt like you needed to be in the hospital. Maybe you do. And no, not a psych ward. (not that there’s anything wrong with that – they do help a lot of people!) But after the holidays, you really may need to listen to your body. If it’s saying “hospital”, then go – no matter what anyone else says. Only you know what your body can and cannot take. But your exhaustion could be treated, and they could hydrate you and balance your electrolytes – and they could help you get the vomiting under control. Because no one’s body can survive that. It really is the same effect as bulimia and could lead to heart failure. They can give you something to help you sleep, but more importantly as I said they can treat what must be dehydration and electrolyte imbalance at this point. And they can get you back to eating very gingerly to help avoid the vomiting, to get your body out of that harmful cycle. And speaking of gingerly, maybe ginger would help your stomach! Just please listen to your body and if it ever says “hospital!” again, go. For exhaustion, not a psych evaluation as there is no way to properly evaluate the broken heart of a grieving mother. You really may need this to help you keep kicking ass! I mean, if you come back from a brief hospital stay even stronger, look the fuck out mother fucking cancer!! 🙂
    And for the record, I had to do this once myself to treat exhaustion – helped a billion times more than I imagined! Doesn’t mend a broken heart unfortunately (I could use that too), but it helps you keep going for yourself and your four boys. (Woody included!) Just think about it, and be good to yourself.
    Wishing you and your family peace today, and every day. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!! xo

  17. Hi Maya~ You’ve been on my mind so much this week. I’m hoping you got thought last night and today…I can’t begin to imagine for a second how tough it must be this time of year. Praying for you and missing Ronan too, the sweet boy who I’d never even met but whose stolen my heart. Hugs to you this Christmas day…xo

  18. Thought of you all weekend in the midst of all the holiday festivities… and I was in Longview/Kelso too! I so wish I would’ve seen you, to give you the biggest hug in the world. My momma got me a Rockstar Ronan t-shirt for Christmas b/c I told her it was the only thing I really really wanted or needed. Made me teary-eyed… And I put it on the second I tore it out of the package. You are changing the world Maya, I’m so sorry it had to be in this way… Take care of yourself. xoxoxox

  19. Hugs and “sugar” kisses to you. I love Ro’s sign through Gary the bear. I hoped yesterday was ok despite how fucked up it was. And that commenter “Lynn E” needs to shut the f up (cuz im sure Inca’s gonna get her can of whoop ass out!) 🙂

  20. Maya,

    The story about Gary was just priceless! I hope you made it through Christmas ok. Washington is a good place to be, its so open and beautiful.

    Lots of love,


  21. I don’t usually comment but I have read every word. Someone told me something once when I was going through an awful time (although nothing compared to what you’ve been faced with). The only way to the other side is through it. It’s a really true statement, and as someone with experience being on antidepressants, for me, drugs only prolonged the “through it” part because it didn’t allow me to totally feel and process what was happening. Once I finally came off of them, all that grief and pain was still there waiting for me. So keep on listening to your mind and your body and do what feels right to you. All us readers who don’t even know you outside of our computer screens have no business telling you how to deal with what you’re going through.

  22. Maya,
    I have read your entire blog and I am a fan for life. My son Tyler is 3 and has leukemia with a rare chromsome disorder….anyway, we are admitted right now for a fever and we were walking around handing out presents to all the kids at the hospital. A dad came out of the room and started talking to tyler. I asked him how old his child was to give them a present, 4 month old girl…and a three year old boy. I smiled and looked through the bag for some presents… He said…my sons name is ronan …..and he pulled out a picture. I could feel my self getting sweaty….what did you say his name is??!!! Ronan he replied and shoved his pic in my face….sandy blnd hair and blue eyes….I about fell over. I am still shocked and ran in here to tell you. I mean his daughter is sick and he didn’t offer her name or a picture of her….why did he tell me his sons name????? I just thought I needed to tell you for whatever reason,

    1. That is just amazing. See, Ronan is everywhere. He will never be truly gone.

  23. Why is it ok to take Ambien, but not an anti-depressant? I think you are being slightly hypocritical. You need something to get out of the abyss you are in – other than your youngest son, which, while totally un-fucking fair, will not happen. The fact that you didn’t care if your older sons’ had winter coats speaks volumes. Christmas Eve and you hadn’t bought your twins any presents??? You need some help. You think you might need to check into a hospital…what do you think they are going to do there? I’ll tell you, they will load you up with anti-depressants. They will monitor your food intake and your vomiting. You will loose the control you so relish. The choices will be taken away from you.

    You need to talk to a physician. Your constant vomiting is obviously not healthy – don’t your other sons deserve the same mom that lovingly helped her youngest son? While I’m not suggesting you are bulemic, have you ever read what constant vomiting does to your body, your throat, your teeth? Or is this part of your “danger” crusade?

    No, I have never lost a child, so I’m sure that will make you totally disregard my opinion, but do you ever re-read your posts? You are on the edge and if you don’t get some perspective, you are going to fall off. Where will that leave your already devastated family?

    1. All I can say to you, Betsy, is WOW! SERIOUSLY? That was one of rudest comments I seen on here and you should be ashamed of yourself… You need to go back to the beginning of Maya’s blog and read the whole thing…or better yet, stop reading all together. Maya has enough on her plate without you critiquing her every move. This blog is documenting ‘her’ journey through this Fucked up life without Ronan — and only her’s. We shouldn’t be here to judge her and if you are then maybe you should go elsewhere.

      Maya, my heart breaks for you everyday… Please don’t let comments like Betsy’s get to you (I know it’s easier said than done.) You are a good mama and a good person. Use your energy to keep kicking cancer’s ass! Love to you all :))

    2. Wow. Get a life troll. Leave Maya alone. She is doing what she can, how she can, the BEST that she can. She is doing pretty damn amazing given the circumstances. She JUST lost her almost 4 year old son. How the fuck would you feel? Would you be better by now? NO you wouldnt. And they fucking live in arizona, they dont really need coats huh? And im sure it cost less to buy the presents at their destination then to pay all the airline fees to take them with them. Its like you read one sentence and based your WHOLE opinion on that sentence. If you dont like what shes doing, then dont read about it. Seriously.

    3. Betsy,

      “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” – Mother Teresa

      Best to say nothing, don’t you think?

    4. I agree. I keep thinking how sad Ronan is that he knows one day Quinn and Liam will read this and see they did not matter as much as their Brother who died. All of you who encourage Maya’s self – destructive behavior are not her friends. I always told my children that the way to tell if someone is your true friend is that if they ever encourage you to do anything that is physically or spiritually harmful to you, then you know, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND. You who so want Maya to like you are immature and do not really care about her. I am old enough to be Maya’s mother also and I have had some heavy shit in my life, and I got through it. I was a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of person too, but it will break you, and I was nearly as far gone as Maya is. Maya is going to die and leave her family if she does not get help. The vomiting alone will kill her. That is what she truly wishes, according to her blog, TO DIE. You who encourge such behavior are sycophants, This is not judging. It is speaking truth. If Maya is surrounded by “yes” people she will die. That is why Michael Jackson is dead and why Brittney Spears almost died and so many who have died, because the people around them cared more about being liked and being able to stay in the inner circle, they percieved in their minds to be in. You are ENABLERs. Take the meds Maya and if the first one does not work, then take another and another, until you find one that will allow your brain to rest from the treadmill you are on. Your brain has to rest in order to heal. Yes, the meds will not take away all the pain, but they will help. They will not make you forget you lost a beautiful child. To say you lost him , really is not accurate. What happened to Ronan is his physical body had to die in order to be reborn into the spirit world where he is a shining light. his soul was too old for this world. What breaks my heart is Quinn. He so desperately needs his mother and he clings to her and trys to take care of her and Maya should be takiong care of him. I had a mother who did not take care of me. Neither did my father. I had to be the caretaker of the whole family from the time I was 8. Why? Because my mother was an addict and my father an enabler. I suffered so much, from the time I was 8, and trying to be sure our family did not fall apart and I would lay awake many nights in fear she would kill all of us. That is not something a child should have to do. I see Quinn doing that. I do not want you to be an addict Maya, I just want you to get help so you can care for your family who need you. Ronan is ok. He is happy and you will see him again. If Ronan could speak to you he would tell you to take care of yourself. Do you honestly think it makes him happy to see you throwing up? If it did, I can tell you he did not love you. Of course he HATES seeing you throw up and continue to harm yourself. why? Because he loves you. Do this for him and Woody and the twins. I was so afraid of pills because of my mom that I endured so much pain in my life that I did not have to suffer. I thought everyone who ever took a mood altering drug, automatically became an addict, because that was all I experienced, but I was wrong. My brother burned up and I almost lost my mind. There was only a part of his pelvis and some stubbs of ribs left. The thought of the pain he experienced before the fire burned so deep it killed the nerves made me completely nuts. I knew that he sought death. I knew from the time we were small that he also had depression and that he flirted with death , as an escape. Death finally came calling for him. I now know that only people with addictive personalities are addicts. It is a genetic predisposition and I do not think Maya has that. I do think she is psycologically addicted to the Ambien and Ambien is a far worse drug than any antidepressant. I know Maya will come out guns blazing towards anyone who dares not agree with her. She will spout all that you cannot tell me, because you have not lost a child shit, which is a pure cop-out. How does she know who has and has not lost a child? Maybe I have lost 3. In the end it is all up tp Maya. She can continue to abuse her body and her remaining family and then what mark will she leave on the world? None, Just another weak crazy bitch who so loved the fame of her blog and was willing to do what ever it took to keep people coming, that she was willing to sacrifice her remaining loved ones on the alter of the “so called” fame she thinks she has because of it. Was this really about Ronan and finding a cure for cancer or was it about, Maya being addicted to her followers? I guess we all will see, won’t we. Her actions will answer that question. Someone needs to be tough with Maya. She has too many lapdogs.IF Maya truly wants to start the foundation and work to save other children in the name of Ronan, then she will take care of her body. She will pack FWBOB away in the trunk and allow her brain to rest and heal, and stop the vomiting crap. She cannot do this alone. She needs help. I hope those of you who tell her to continue to live like she is will wake up and love her anough to stop telling her to continue on her path of destruction. Quinn, Liam and Woody deserve better.

      I can’t believe you would say something like that! She lost her freaking son!!!!! Uh, RONAN! You know, the boy who is the reason for this blog!!! When my grandma died, I threw up a lot. It just happens! It’s not like she’s sticking her finger down her throat. If you don’t like what she’s doing, who cares! It’s not for you to say. You can disagree, but you can’t tell other people how to live their lives. I would say to stop reading the blog if you don’t like it, but Ronan Sean Thompson deserves better than that. You know, the little 3-year-old who died of neuroblastoma, a childhood cancer.
      I’m so sorry that Betsy commented this Maya. I’m sure that you’re doing the best that you can, and nobody should criticize that.
      I LOVE YOU RONAN!!!!

  24. Holy CRAP Betsy…who do YOU think you are?? I have been reading Mayas blog for a long time, and know in my heart she is doing her absolute best. How can anybody expect a Mother to function after only 7 months of her most precious gift in life, to be ripped out of her arms. I actually threw up when I first read “Where is Ronan.” I was physically ill because I could not bear to even read her pain. But I kept on reading, and she changed my whole outlook on this life. Of what is truly important. Its not all the bullshit like Christmas presents, that’s for sure.

    I am a mom, and I never want to even know how I would handle the death of any of my children. No thank you!! I sure as hell would not want the advice from some stranger who doesn’t even know me. Nobody should have to hide their grief, and hide behind pills. And like Maya has said over and over, if you ever paid attention to anything she has written, its just not for her, and actually neither is Ambien. She hates it!! Plain and simple.

    Maya’s twins are also just as important to her as Ronan. She loves them more than anything and frankly, they are probably what is helping her get through this horrible time in her life. When my friend lost her little one, 9 years ago, trips to the grocery store were sometimes the hardest thing for her to do. The simple errands, which are easy for you and I, were no longer easy for my friend. Do not judge, even if you have been in what you THINK are in someone elses shoes. Do not judge Maya for not wanting to be out with a ton of people, who are all Christmas shopping, for their healthy and ALIVE children!!! Its their first Christmas without Ronan, come on lady!!!!

    Either start from the beginning, or maybe just quit reading. You are obviously not getting anything out of these posts like the rest of us are.



    I think you are so amazing to have the strength you do to get through each day. I hope I didn’t go too far, but this lady really pissed me off.



    1. I don’t think there is a ‘too far’ with this lady. Good job!!

  25. I love you Maya!!! I wish we could get together while you’re in town…but I know that’s silly talk. I bet your mama is “happy” to have you home. That picture of you on that bike is rad 😉 text me anytime you wanna vent, k? 957-5099 try and enjoy Washington! 98626 luv girl. I wear my bracelets EVERYDAY!!

    -Jessica from fb

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