There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. Anything That Has To Do With You and New York City.

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Ronan. I know I’ve been quiet. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. O.k…. I’ll admit it. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching “The Kardashians.” I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, “Who am I?? In bed? The Kardashians?! OMG. I need an intervention.” I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadn’t felt in a while. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it… I knew I was going to crack. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. OUCH!!!! Ummmm… ouch!!! It’s much too early for those. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. That’s what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. The whole, what am I doing thing? Where is Ronan? And how in the world am I living without him? I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. I’ve been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead child’s costume. In my mind, I’ve walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, “Can you please get Ronan’s costume for me. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry.” “Of course I can. Consider it done.” he said. You’d think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? Well, that’s the world I live in, Ronan. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. Walking in with it was easy. It’s the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do.

I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I had a little secret very important meeting today. Your Fairy RoMo just happened to be in town for this meeting. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur.

Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. It all started with her looking  me in the eyes and saying, “What do you want? Tell me your dream for all of this.” So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. She grabbed my hand and said, “I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. Now that I’ve met you, you’re in.” It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. Follow up plans were made. It’s taken me all day to wrap my head around what this could mean. I feel like I haven’t been able to catch my breath all day and it’s not just from Poppy suffocating me. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. Mawahahahahaha….

I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. We very much needed a pow wow session. It’s been much too long. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. Just as I was saying to her, “How am I going to survive these next two months?” A text popped up on my phone. It was my agent, Nena. “Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses?” I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. “Here’s how I’m going to get through the next two months. By taking a little time out to go to New York.” What perfect timing. Of course I’m cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but I’m cutting it just close enough that I will make it. You know I will always say yes to New York. Especially when it involves you, which it always does.

This is all for tonight, little man. I’m mentally tapped out. G’nite. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I promise to make you proud.

xoxo

“From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby…”

Ronan. Today, was not a day I expected at all. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Women’s Center of Arizona. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, “You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right?” I told her I wasn’t aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. I am further along than that, but not much. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. if everybody came back in the room with me. The sweet lady told me it was. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. My heart started pounding. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. The lady started measuring some things. Mandy chirped up, “Can you tell the sex of the baby today?” The technician told her she indeed could. She asked me if I would like to know. I said, “Sure!” Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. She put the little wand over my belly. I felt myself panic. Oh god. Ronan really wanted a girl. Please. I really wanted a girl. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. The picture came on the screen. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. “From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl.” “Really? Are you sure?” The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I could not believe my ears. I started bawling, tears falling everywhere. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. It was no use. Mascara and snot everywhere. I don’t think I have stopped crying, the entire day. Quinn was over the moon. Liam chirped up that there was a 10% chance that is was not a girl. So typical. So funny. I tried to call your daddy. He didn’t answer. I had Quinn call your Nana. She thought we were all lying to her. No way could it really be a girl.

I finally got your daddy on the phone. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldn’t tell him. “Guess what?” I said, tears still falling everywhere. Your daddy never knows what he’s going to get with me. It could have been everything from “I’m leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog.” I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, “We’re having a baby girl.” He was so happy. He said he knew it. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Fernanda. Stacy. Becca. Macy. Liz. Dr. Jo. Melissa. Gay. Tricia. Danielle. Marisa. Carolyn. Charisma. Kass. Rach. Robyn. Rissy Girl. Katie. Meg. Our Fairy RoMo. It is her birthday today. Can you believe that shit?! I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! Talk about another huge sign! There was one person I had not told yet. Your Sparkly. He is the last person I told today. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. I sent him a text. “Where are you?” He responded with “In a meeting. Are you o.k.?” I said I was o.k. That I needed to see him today. “I’ll see you in 20 minutes. Come to my office.” I met him there. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. I didn’t see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. He sat down. I told him to hang on, that if I didn’t send this email, I would forget to do it.” He sat. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. He laughed at that. “What’s going on? You look pretty today. You know what the baby is, don’t you.” I smiled. “Yup. It’s a baby girl.” I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. “I knew you were having a baby girl. I told you that. Ahhhh! You with a baby girl. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. You two are going to be something else.” I laughed and talked about you a little bit. How much you wanted a baby sister. I am still trying to absorb this all. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. “You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. She is so lucky to have you.” He responded back with a simple, “I will.” I said, “I know. Thank you.”

The rest of my day, played out in a way that I don’t think I can take much more. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. I, of course went to, “Oh fuck. It’s got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately.” I texted her back, “Is it good news or bad news?” I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. She responded with, “It might just be the BEST news ever.” I called her. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. I was wrong. Tears all over. As of now, I can’t talk about our news. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I am overwhelmed. I am floored. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. You are making so many amazing things happen. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernanda’s house. I told her the Carolyn news. She could not believe it. A baby girl and now this?! She looked at me and said, “How are you not so overwhelmed?! Aye! Maya! You know this is all Ronan. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. with that. Because that would have been totally acceptable! But you chose not to do that, and look at everything is happening.!” I started to cry. I said I knew. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldn’t do that. I have to make you proud, Ronan. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. All of my friends are. I am so lucky to have them all. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. They didn’t judge me. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didn’t talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. This is why they are still in my life. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. For that, I will forever be so thankful. For that, they will forever be my sisters. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Thank you, Ronan. I so badly wish you were here. More than anything. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. Please make her extra extra spicy.

Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. Tears of both happiness and sadness. Today, my tears were more happy. I’m soaking that up, because it doesn’t happen often. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. I know you will.

xoxo

Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. Poppy is so lucky. We all are. I love you.

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All Good Things Happen, in New York

Ronan. The night before the Katie show, your daddy arrived. As soon as he arrived, we hopped on a train and made our way to the SoHo area. There is a record store there that he insists we hit up, every time we are in New York. I was tired, but I sucked it up  for him. We also met up with our friend, Ally M and a girlfriend of hers. We had some dinner and did a little record shopping. It was a nice way to end our New York trip and I know it made your daddy happy. We got back to our place, kind of late, packed and went to sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night. I was nervous for the next day. I woke up early, got ready, and tried my best to calm my nerves. A car picked us up and we headed over to the ABC studios. I had a long talk with you in the car ride over. It went a little something like this. “Ronan. I need you today. I cannot do this without you. Please, help me get through this. Make me calm and relaxed. I need to feel you, everywhere.”

Once we arrived, we were taken into our dressing room where we sat and waited. I had already done my make-up and blown out my hair, so I was good to go. I wore my special magical sparkly shoes that remind me so much of you, because of your love for your sparkly toe nails. Our Fairy RoMo showed up just in time, to take my mind off of everything that was about to happen. We sat and caught up. We had some laughs and she sat back and snapped some pictures. Katie’s lovely team came in and briefed us a bit. I just kept telling myself to breathe. We were soon taken downstairs to where the segment would shoot. Our Fairy RoMo went off to the green room, which was really green. Your daddy and I sat and watched Katie do her thing from the monitors. We hadn’t met her yet. She finished her segment and came bouncing off the stage over to us. “Hi, I’m Katie it’s so nice to meet you.” We chatted for a few minutes. I had a moment where I thought I might pee myself, but thankfully I did not. She ran off to change and we went to sit and wait for her. She came back to us once again and started briefing us on what she would be asking us. I was still a little nervous but I slowly felt things start to shift. We were taken out to her stage and sat down on the couch. I was closest to Katie, your daddy on the other side of me. I smiled at the audience. I felt a switch flip. It was as if all of a sudden, you were sitting right there next to me. My nerves were entirely gone. What in the world? This is not me. I have stage fright. I freak out over public speaking. I sat back, the cameras turned on and Katie started right up with our story. I started to tear up, almost instantly. They were showing pictures of you and playing some videos we had sent them. Katie handed me a Kleenex. I looked into the audience. Tears everywhere. Katie started talking. One of the first things she said, was Neuroblastoma was a brain tumor. “SHIT!” I thought to myself. “What do I do? Do I correct her on national television?” I had no choice. I had to. That is a big misconception with Neuroblastoma and rightfully so. The name makes it sounds like it has to do with the brain. I think I said something like, “Actually, it’s not a brain tumor…” Then I let your daddy explain it in a way that I hope everyone could understand. From that point on, the entire interview flew by. I felt so at ease and so proud to be up there, telling your story. Katie has a gift of just making you feel as if she has known you for years. She was very choked up, for most of the show as was everyone. Katie does what she does best, which is being a true journalist with this amazing heart of gold. After a very hard topic she had us all in giggles when she said, “I’d love to have you back on the show after you have the baby. Baby Katie.” The entire audience laughed out loud. It was a great way to end things. We walked off the stage. She came following a few minutes later. We talked and she kept thanking us over and over for sharing our story. I wanted to pick that tiny thing up and thank her from the bottom of my heart. She is a wonderful human being for caring about so many others than just herself.

We left there and grabbed lunch with Fairy RoMo. She was blown away. She watched the entire thing from the green room and kept saying how brilliant and lovely it was. I smiled as hearing that from her, means the world. We sat there, eating our lunch. I looked at Woody and I looked over at Fairy RoMo and said, “I have something else I want to ask you.” Your daddy and I have been talking about this for a while. I looked up. “We want to know if you will be the GodMom of this baby.” Tears sprang to her eyes, instantly. “Oh my god. Yes! Of course! I would be honored. I’ll be the best fucking god mother ever.” I wiped away my tears and your daddy and I chuckled at that. “I know that,” I said. “That’s why I asked you.” It was one of the most beautiful moments that will forever be frozen in my mind. She is your Fairy RoMo and loves you so much, Ronan, even without ever having met you. Imagine how she will be, with this little one. She is such a gift. You are such a gift. Thank you for bringing her into our life.

We got home last night. I am going to try not to be dramatic here, but I’m going to be dramatic here. Not once did I throw up in New York City. After we got home and I hugged and kissed your beautiful brothers a bunch of times, I started to get really nauseous. I ran into our bathroom and threw up everything I had eaten for dinner. I honestly think I had a physical reaction from being gone, coming home to our house, and not having you here. This house that I once loved so much, makes me sick. Your daddy told me to change my attitude. I didn’t argue. I shut my mouth instead. I wish it were something as simple, as changing my attitude. I wish that you in fact were still here, and I was coming home to you and your two brothers. Not your two brothers and you sitting on an urn on top of my dresser. Fucking cancer.

It’s today. I just had a 3 hour phone interview for something that is coming up. Something that I will talk about when the time is right. I was told after our interview that I was the bravest woman alive. I smiled with tears rolling down my cheeks and just said, “Ronan was brave.” I am throwing everything I have into everything I do, all for you. It will be this way for the rest of my life.

Also, for as much as I cannot listen to Taylor’s song, because I sob every time I hear it… it plays non-stop in my head, 24 hours a day. That girl, like you, is such an old soul. I am still blown away by her grace, beauty, and dignity. I will be thankful for the rest of my life, for her and for you. I am going back to New York this weekend until Tuesday. We will be going to see Taylor on the Katie Couric show. A handful of my board members are coming with me to celebrate everything New York, Taylor, Katie and you, Ronan. I cannot wait. I also have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. All good things happen in New York. The BEST things happen in New York. I cannot wait to see what comes of this trip, this time. I am always so surprised by the amazing things that come from that magical city.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Grief, Pregnancy and Pies

 

Ronan. I think I told you that I tried to “prep,” with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. I am a natural born mother. I am a good mother. The fact that I still don’t really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. I know we talked about it, but I don’t remember all the things you told me. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. I don’t remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. I can’t even begin to think about a nursery. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. I’m not sure what we will do. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I told your daddy he needs to build a new room for this baby because it’s not having yours. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. I won’t do it.

I am still pretty sick. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. What in the hell is that all about? That’s all I want to eat. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie… yes please. Any type of meat makes me throw up. Any type of cooking smell, makes my stomach turn. I’ve been living off of pie. So weird, but I’ll take it. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Bring on the pies now. I’ll enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. I was going through some emails. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. This led to him calling my phone. We had a little debate that  I took a stance on and refused to back down. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. This is one of the things that I love most about him. The way he makes me exam everything that comes my way, with a magnifying glass. This led to me bawling on the phone. “You didn’t see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. I won’t tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. I know how much your heart is broken. Why would I want to break it anymore? Yes, it was barbaric. Yes, it is wrong. These are kids. They deserve more compassionate treatments. I lived in this world. I saw things that you don’t even know about. Someday, I will tell you.” I sobbed into the phone. “Darling. It’s o.k. You are right. You are so right. You don’t have anything to prove to me, o.k. He deserved better. You know you have my utmost respect, always. Come on, settle down. When do you leave for New York? Tell me about your trip.” I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. We talked about New York for a bit. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. What a fucking joke.

I have tried to be as productive as possible. I had a long board meeting last night. As always, it was good. I love our little unconventional board. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. That means everything to me. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Let the strategizing, begin…

Sooooooo… New York!!! I leave soon. I have some serious business to attend to! I’m so excited. Stacy is coming with me. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids’ Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. All fueled by everything Ronan. My favorite kind of trip. The only one’s I feel comfortable taking. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit… I know great things will come from this trip.

A lot of you little blog readers have asked why I am calling this baby Poppy for now. It’s because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. It won’t be the real name for the baby. We have had those picked out for a long time. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. We think we have our boy name too. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. That is important to our family. We have all agreed on that. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Your questions are sweet. I love reading all of your comments. Thanks for writing them.

I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I miss you so much. I watched your daddy come home from work today. I was laying in bed.(still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. Watching him do this, I felt like I was sucker punched. His keys, our son, on our dresser. It is just all so wrong. You should not be sitting there. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I’m sorry for everything. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

All good things are wild and free, right Ro???

Ring Ring! It’s The Katie Couric Show!

Ronan. Hi. I miss you like crazy. Do you know what I was thinking about today? That I think I think about you, 24 hours a day. I think about you with every single thing that I do. Whether it be watching your brothers, seeing the pain behind your daddy’s eyes, brushing my teeth, driving my car, doing the laundry, working non-stop on your foundation. You are never gone from my thoughts. You never will be. You are the reason so many things are happening. You are the reason I have not given up. You are the reason I have not just buried this all deep down inside of me, never to be talked about again. Your daddy said that to me tonight. That some people think we should just bury this all deep down inside because it is too sad to continue living this life where all we do is miss you so badly. That we should just move on. I just looked at him and said, “Yeah, bury Ronan deep down and not ever talk about him or this again. That’s exactly why this fucking bullshit never changes and that is exactly why kids are still dying. That is fucking bullshit.” I will never bury you, Ronan. I will never bury you which is a big reason why I didn’t put you in the ground. I could not stand the thought of having your “body,” anywhere but with us. I know better than anyone, how sad and hard all of this is. How sad and hard it looks to the outside world. But I think it would be even more sad if after you died, I just decided to walk away and forget about everything that we you had been through. You deserve better than that. These kids deserve better than that. You are too beautiful of a soul to ever be forgotten. You are going to be the reason that things start to change. I always knew you were going to be the poster child for something, because you were that beautiful. In my naïve mind, I just always thought you would be a model for GAP Kids or something. Not because you were murdered by cancer.

I got a phone call yesterday. Another one of those phone calls that just happens and no matter what the news is, I always feel myself remain so calm. I know I am calm by nature, but you’d think I’d start flipping out a little bit by now. Maybe it’s also just my intuition. That I know the most amazing things are just going to happen and I have seriously felt like this one, was going to end up happening for a while. Let me back up a little bit, to one of my “one of those signs,” stories. Last year, remember when I jumped ship and just out of the blue said to your daddy, “I need to leave. I need to go to New York for a while. By myself.” He went back and forth with me a bit, but was totally supportive. I went to New York. The city the makes me feel the strongest. The city that makes me feel closest to you. The city that brought me back to life. I had the most amazing time by myself. I spent it walking the streets. Running Central Park during crazy midnight hours. Visiting shops. Eating at our Fo Yo place. Reading. Spending time with our Fairy RoMo. I found a bit of myself again in that city. Your daddy came out for the last few days. It was around 4:00 p.m. and we were walking the streets close to where we were staying. The most adorable lady came walking past us, looked us both dead in the eye and gave us the warmest smile. I mean so warm, that it could have melted butter. I looked at your daddy. I said, “That was Katie Couric!” He said, “It totally was.” I turned around. “I’m going to give her one of Ronan’s bracelets! She needs to know about him!” I started walking the direction Katie was headed, just in time to see her go into a small shoe store. I hesitated. O.k. Wasn’t meant to be. I thought to myself, “There is NO way, I am going to chase that lady into a shoe store.” So, I didn’t. I just let her dazzling smile and kind eyes, be enough. That was such a profound moment for me and always stuck out in my head. Fast forward to Tuesday. I got a phone call. I called the number back. I got Katie’s assistant who told me that Katie had heard about our story, and would love to have me on her show. I, of course said I would be honored. I cannot think of a better person, that I would like to sit down and talk to. I am so honored. So beyond honored. Remember how I said I wouldn’t stop screaming about you, until people started listening Ronan? I promised you that. I think people are starting to listen, now. I think this world of childhood cancer, is finally going to start getting the attention it so very badly deserves. I think a girl named Taylor is a big reason of why this is all happening. All because of her huge heart and her old soul. She is pure magic and I will forever be so thankful for the most beautiful gift from the most beautiful girl.

Today, I worked on some details for the show. I’ll tell you more about it, when I find out some more things. Today, I took your brothers on a play date as they didn’t have school. It was a district holiday, but really it was for Yom Kippur. But you know in public schools, you can’t say that. Because that makes perfect sense. NOT. Kinda goes along with the same way they cannot call Halloween, Halloween anymore. So ridiculously stupid. So today, it being a “district holiday,” we had a play date with my good friend, Melissa and her kids. My good friend, Melissa that has stood by me through all of this and never went anywhere. My good friend that never judged me, hurt me, left me, or pushed me. She loves you so much. I remember how much you used to love the sound her phone made. That little chirping noise when she got a voicemail or something. I remember how many times she sat at the clinic with us and helped out with you. You want to know the thing I love most about Melissa? That through all the good things that are happening, she never forgets the you part in all of this. Through all of her smiles with everything good that is coming our way, I still see her sadness over the fact that you are gone. She doesn’t hide the and she ALWAYS talks about it. What you see is what you get. I love that so much. She is so genuine and so true. I am so lucky to have found her at one of the worst time of my life, right when you were diagnosed. I am so thankful she is still here.

We played today and on our way home I said to your brothers, “Oh god. I’m going to puke.” Your brothers started to scramble. “Here Mom! Here’s a Trader Joe’s bag!” They passed it to me in the front seat, just in time. It’s only looking back now, that I am laughing at myself. I could have at least pulled over, but no… not me. I puked my guts out in that Trader Joe’s bag, while continuing to drive us down our quiet road close to our house. I’m such a muli-tasker. The rest of the night has consisted of me, throwing up. I thought I was getting past this point of grossness, but today, I feel sicker than ever. Fun times, I tell ya. This better clear up, before Katie. I would not like to puke in a bag on national television. Come on, Poppy. Work with me a little.

Alright little man. I’m going to rest my weary head. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

P.S. Ronan. Tomorrow is Fernanda’s Birthday. You know what to do. Make sure she has the most special day. Make sure she feels you everywhere. Happy Birthday to my most special friend. I love you.

Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill my soul.

 

 

Ronan. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because I’m pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I don’t have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me.  I am tired of being tired and I’m going to fight through this as hard as I can. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I can’t do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Am I pushing things a bit? Maybe, but it’s the only way I feel like I can survive. Hopefully in the next month or so, I’ll have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this.

I spent the day with a friend of mine. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. I was in a world that I normally don’t live in anymore. A world of shiny, happy people. I don’t fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. Plus she says the word, “Fuck,” a lot which you know I appreciate. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. It felt good just to be out with my friend. Our conversations area always easy and honest. No need for bullshit or pretending. I don’t function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I never have and never will. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours.

Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. It was a boy. He was so tiny and frail. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. He came in beaming and so happy. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, “Ronan, Ronan, Ronan,” over and over again. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. I don’t know what this dream meant. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. We have about one idea for a first name. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish.

I had a nice thing happen to me today. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. It’s almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. I have a lot of dreams. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. Our Fairy RoMo said to pack our umbrella. Gladly. Happily. Best news ever. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well.

This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

I’m having a white party tomorrow. Do you think P Diddy would want to come?

Ronan. Do you know how I feel tonight? Hollow. Empty. I swear, it’s just one thing after another. I just had a Mother’s Day that no mother would ever want. All after your death day, your birthday/the day you were cremated (on your fucking birthday), Mother’s Day, and now tomorrow, is the day we had your fucking services, last year. May is a sick fucking joke. Next year, I am going to Iceland for May and living in a fucking igloo and ignoring May, all together. I came home from our trip, numb. I am totally numb again. How can I not be? I’m numb without the help of any anti-depressants. The one’s that everyone wanted to numb me with and still want to numb me with. I’m still here screaming that I don’t want to be numb. I will feel this, the way I am supposed to feel this and not by taking medications to help me not feel this. I want to feel this. I deserve to feel this pain. I am strong enough to handle it, no matter how much it hurts. I think my body is having a natural numbness physical reaction, all on it’s own. Because these dates, right after another, are just too much.

Mother’s Day was banned. Well, at least it was in my head. I let Liam and Quinn still think it was happening, because I don’t want to ruin everything for them. I took Mother’s Day and turned it into a day, all about them. I had a Liam and Quinn day and didn’t make a peep. I don’t think I even cried. See, I told you I was numb. We went to a Red Sox game, which they LOVED. We went and had a BBQ dinner at our friends’ house and they loved that just as much. We let our 4 kids run around and play with each other, but it still should have been 6. We sat with our friends into the night, talking normal talk and cancer talk. That’s the way it will always be. But it was easier with these friends, to be around them on Mother’s Day. I took comfort in all of our sadness on this “Happy Day,” of the year. I sat and thought a lot about your Fairy RoMo. I texted her it was indeed not Mother’s Day but Fairy RoMo day instead! I told her how you would have went craaaaazy over her Goldilocks hair and I know she would have loved you like her own. I am changing Mother’s Day to Fairy RoMo day. Because the love/kindness/support/and heart of your Fairy RoMo should be celebrated on this day. So it was, for her. I let my thoughts soften a bit while thinking about all the beauty that just exudes out of her, all the time. Like there is just sparkly glitter falling from the sky, when she is near. That’s how I feel anyway. It makes me feel peaceful, happy and inspired. There is that lucky world again, Ro. I am so lucky, to have her in our lives. Thanks for bringing us to each other. Another one of your little gifts, I know.

We made it home now and all I want to is run screaming back to Maine. Preferably Cape Elizabeth where I totally left my broken heart. I could see my broken heart mending there, quite well. You know what I felt while we were there, besides sad? Peaceful, calm, quiet, relaxed… I felt the pieces of me, that I miss so much. Your brothers felt it too. For such an awful reason to go away, Ro baby, it was the best place we could have possibly went. Maine and Cape Cod. Your brothers were so in their element there. They were so happy and carefree. They were so sweet and we spent so much time, outdoors playing in the beach, on rocks, on logs, in the water, in the woods, getting lost with each other and slipping into their childhood that they should know. The only childhood they should know where their baby brother, does not get cancer and die. It should have been the 5 of us there, Ronan. My heart is ripped to shreds that it is not and never will be again. But your brothers, they are happy. I guess that means your daddy and I are doing a good job, despite all of this. I don’t know how, but we just keep skipping along, not missing a beat because now, only their happiness is what matters to me. Mine can wait. I can put mine on hold, forever. Liam and Quinn will not be robbed of anymore happiness. They are too good of boys to have anymore hurt come a long. So, Ro… I still cry in front of them. But not as often. I laugh more with them and hide all the guilt that washes over me when I do. Guilt that they do not need to see or hear about. Adult guilt that I hope they never have to know about, in this way. Your dead child guilt where everything you do feels wrong… even telling another little boy at a hospital how brave he is while you are in visiting him. FUCK. Did I really just tell him he was brave. OH MY GOD. I only used to tell Ronan that. I just betrayed, Ronan. Fuck. I have to leave. I do. Tears pouring. Ronan. I’m sorry. You were the bravest little boy, I’ve ever known. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings. I tell you thinks like this all the time because the guilt never goes away. It’s heavy to carry but that’s just the way it is. Once your child dies, you don’t stop taking care of them. It just continues on in a different form. I still have 3 kids to take care of. Why else would I be doing your Foundation, Ro? My number one reason is it is my way of still being your mom, still taking care of you, and still doing a really good job at it. A job that is going to be done, so well due to how much I love you and you love me. This is why your foundation will change things. Because our love is powerful enough to do so and because I promised to fight for these kids and families until things start to get better. Like a freaking CURE for Neuroblastoma. Let’s start with that. That is what we are going to do with our passion, drive, energy and love. We are going to help these doctors but we are also going to help these families. No family should feel so alone in this, the way we did. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. I have a big list of things that need to be fixed. I’ve been working on that list with Dr. JoRo. We will get to each and every thing, one by one so that maybe a family will not just feel like another number. They deserve so much more than that.

Tomorrow is May 15th. The day we had your services last year and I remember NOTHING about it. I think I smiled a lot. I think I did the “Thank you for coming.” I think I thought I was floating on air and I probably was. I wore white. Everyone did. So for tomorrow, it only makes sense to wear all white again. I’ll do this, on this day, every year for the rest of my life. I’m having my own White Party and P Diddy is not invited. Unless he wants to donate a fuckton of money to Ronan so we can start to put our master plan into place. The master plan starts soon. I’m running with it because I have to. Because it is a good idea. Because it is so needed. So, P Diddy, you can come to my White Party tomorrow but be prepared to bring your big fat checkbook. I only need about 10 million dollars. My White Party might suck compared to the fancy one’s you throw every year. With all your fancy people, cars, clothes, etc…. My white party is just going to be me and my son’s Urn. We might have a dance party together. He loved to have dance parties. My party will probably involve tears, but they will be the saddest tears you’ve ever seen for the most beautiful little boy who ever lived. They don’t all have to be sad, they could be happy ones too because I think you might come to the conclusion that my White Party kicks the shit out of yours just for the cause alone. You know, just trying to save some kids’ lives. Cancer Kids who live right here, in the U.S.A. We’ve got a lot of problems of our own, right here. I wish you celeb types would stop and look around here. You could help save so many of these babies who don’t even know how to fight, but they are the strongest fighters I’ve ever seen in my life. They are the true heroes, warriors, fighters. They deserve to have a strong voice to start stepping up and helping them. They deserve to have a chance at growing up. I don’t want anymore families to go through what we have gone through. What we have lost which is everything. Ronan was EVERYTHING to our entire family, not just me. He was everything to Woody, Liam and Quinn. I don’t want what happened to us, to happen to anyone else which is why people like P Diddy need to start helping. People listen to celebs.They need to start focusing on Childhood Cancer. It is worth fighting for with everything you have. Because what if it were your child? Wouldn’t you want to know, the best of everything was out there and the survival rates had improved?? Of course you would but this takes work, money, research, education, and dedication. All of those things seem so easily accessible when you look at these kids whom you are fighting for. Each and every one of them, are worth it and they need to stop being overlooked.

Yeah. That would be my rant and rave for the night. (shout out to AMBIEN) which I have not taken in weeks, but tonight, coming home to your empty bed about threw me over the edge. I needed a night to peace out. So, tomorrow is an all white day for me. That’s what I’m doing. I also might just take Ro’s Urn out with me everywhere I go. I’m kinda serious about that. I do need to invest in that baby Bjorn. Grocery store, here we come!!!

G’nite Ro baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’ve come to the conclusion that you were just too perfect and beautiful for this world, so you are someplace so much better… just waiting for me. I’ll see you when it’s my time. I love you, little man.

xoxo

The Eye of the Storm

 

 

 

Ronan. I am in the eye of the storm. The month of hell. You are working really, really hard, to make sure I survive this. You have been working so hard, that I can hardly keep up with all of the amazing things that have been going on. This week has been a blur. Between finishing my 30 day hiking challenge, working on some things for your foundation, preparing for our trip, a couple of amazing dinners about some ideas that I would like to see happen, getting ready for your birthday at PCH… I don’t even know what day it is. That is probably a good thing for today. I would not have made it through the week if I had been sitting around, thinking about where we were, last year at this time. I know where we were. I had 5 days left with you. Just 5 days. And tomorrow it will be four. I still don’t know how this can be, but it is. This is just the way it is and there is nothing I can do, to change it.

I had one of the best nights I’ve had in a really, really, long time the other night. You just happened to make sure your Fairy RoMo, got dropped in my lap at the beginning of the month of hell. How in the world did you pull that one off? I don’t know, but the stars aligned and the next thing I knew, your Fairy RoMo just landed in my lap. It just happened to be on the night of Rita’s birthday, too. The two of us met up with your Fairy RoMo at some Hotel that seemed to not have a name because it was as if we were somewhere completely else, not 10 minutes away from our house. We sat outside, under the stars and got lost in the night. We talked, laughed, cried, and worked on our evil little plans to take over the world, while curing childhood cancer and traveling to Iceland. I watched them, watch me. I watched the way they looked so so sad, yet both of their eyes sparkled in the night whenever we talked about you. I listened to the most beautiful story about a purple balloon that was let go in Central Park for you. I started to cry during this story. Not only out of sadness but also out of love. The sadness and love of the story that was told was one of the most beautiful things I have heard since losing you. I watched my friends as they looked at me and said, “You have to stay here. You promised.” I told them I knew. I remind myself of the promise I made 50 times a day to keep me going. After a very late night of lots of Roplans I came home exhausted but I felt peaceful. Being in the presence of those two very special souls heals little pieces of my heart. They leave me feeling inspired and my soul awakened. I know they are both gifts from you. It was because of them, that I made it through that May day.

Now it is a new May Day. May 6th. 3 more days. 3 more days is all I had left of you, at this time, last year. I had to get out of Phoenix. We left today. Left to go far, far away but it will never be far enough. This is not a vacation. This is a get me the fuck out of Phoenix for the day that he died/his birthday. Vacations will never exist in my world again. We made it to our destination and I hate the reason that we are here. But all I can continue to do is to continue to fight upstream in this never-ending battle of a current that wants me to drown. It is a constant never ending battle and on days like today, I get really tired. Days like today that consist of long airplane rides with a little 5-year-old stranger that sits right across from you in the aisle of the airplane. I wanted to say to his mom, “Hey! I have a 5-year-old too! He is right next to me. Maybe our two little boys could play together on this very long, very boring, flight to hell. Wait? You are not going to hell? I am. Because my 5-year-old is dead. So I don’t get to have him here anymore. But so nice meeting you! Have a great vacation!”

I didn’t get to say any of those things. I sat on the airplane with Quinn instead and did not even cry. I felt numb. Yeah. I scooped out some of your ashes this morning before we left. And guess what. I didn’t even cry doing this. How is that possible? Because I am that strong? No. It has nothing to do with strength. It has everything to do with this being so unreal to me, that it is not real. I often leave my body when I have to do things like this. I leave my own body a lot and I swear I float above, watching the girl below scoop out her child’s ashes of his urn while not crying. Sometimes it’s the only way to get through this. I don’t know how I’m going to survive these next days coming up but what choice do I have? Your brothers are happy. Your brothers are excited. I am trying my hardest to act happy and excited too, Ronan. But everything is screaming that this is all so wrong. Everything is screaming to get me as far away from this fucked up world as possible because there is nothing right about any of this.

This is all for tonight, baby doll. This is all I can do. I’m so sorry. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Scrambled Eggies and a Fucking AIMS Test

 

 

Ronan. The weekend is over. I guess it was busy. It’s late now but I actually just got home. This weekend went a little something like this… A baseball game. Dropped your brothers off for a sleep over at a friends. Your daddy looks at me as to say now what? Because another date night of me staring across a table at him, sobbing so hard that I cannot eat and I will blow my fucking brains out. Luckily, we had made some kind of sort of let’s do something with Danielle and Dave, plans. We went to dinner. We caught up. We went bowling. I may have sucked really bad the first game. I may have gotten the high score the second game and redeemed myself. I may have smiled. I still felt sad, but it’s good to be with friends like Danielle and Dave. They are easy. They both love you. Sunday, your daddy went into the office. I picked up your brothers. We all then went to this place called Mike’s Big Breakfast for lunch. Oh, how you would have loved it. This was all I could think of the entire time we were there. I think Liam ate 10 pieces of bacon. And pancakes. We sat at the bar. Everyone smiled at us. It felt weird to me. I wanted to scream out, “Hey! No smiling allowed! We are not the happy family that we may look like! Don’t you know our Ronan is missing? Don’t you know our Ronan is gone? I just want him back! Why isn’t anyone bringing him back?!! But this food is really fucking good.” And I don’t even really like food anymore, so that’s saying a lot. Unless it comes in the form of Airhead Extremes Candy. Or Coke. I will love those two things, forever. Your brothers went over to a friends’ house later Sunday for another play date. It’s good for them and helps out over here so much. I can use the break and so can your daddy from the constant parenting that we are always doing. Parenting that is so exhausting when you are constantly dealing with this pain and grief. Your daddy asked what I wanted to do. It was so sunshiny and nice out. Shiny mother fucking people everywhere. Put me in a dark room please and let’s watch “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” That’s what we did. I had already seen it. Your daddy had not and I knew it was right up his alley. It was while watching this movie, that I found out about our little friend, Jaiel. The 16-year-old girl that I had told Rita about around a month or two ago, who was fighting Neuroblastoma. The girl that was the reason that we decided to go to the anti bullying press conference that Nicole Stanton had because Jai had posted something about how it was nice to know that people who you thought were your friends, really were not because they were all just waiting for you to die. Her post ripped my heart out. She is 16 and she is dealing with real life in the most horrific way. She does not have normal you are so fucking lucky to only have a boyfriend breaking up with you problem, to cry about. This girl was fighting for her life. Something that  so many people, take for granted.

Somebody posted something on Facebook saying she had passed away yesterday. Impossible, I thought to myself. I had just been messaging back and forth with her a week or so ago. She had just had another surgery, so she could continue to fight. I thought she was doing o.k. I should have known better. Because I know first hand, how evil and unpredictable this disease can be. I sat in my bed, in shock. Your brothers came home soon after that. I had to keep it together for the sake of them. Your daddy asked if I wanted to play outside with them. “No,” I quietly said. I would not. I played catch out in the parking lot today of Matt’s Big Breakfast. That’s enough for today. That’s all I can do, for today. Unless Ronan is there too. Then I would like to play. You were not. So I left. I went for a very dangerous, night hike instead. But before my little hike, this is what I did. I parked. I sat in the car and sobbed. I sobbed for Jai. I remember thinking to myself poor Jai. And her parents. I cannot imagine what they are feeling. I cannot imagine what it feels like, to be them. Then I had visions of your little face, your little voice, your little lips and how lucky I was to be able to have all of those things. But then I remembered that you are dead. I had forgotten. My head started spinning and I thought I am never going to see him, again. At least not in this life. How is that even possible? How can this even be real? I bolted out of my car. Luckily, I had decided to wear my FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK tee-shirt while hiking up the mountain today. I do not think my fellow hikers appreciated it very much. The amount of dirty looks I got was actually quite humorous. Quite a few people gave me dirty looks. I gave them dirty looks back while the black tears poured down my cheeks. I’m pretty sure I looked mad. Like in a Mom’s Gone Mad sort of way. I’m pretty sure I didn’t really fucking care today. I am glad nobody said anything out loud to me because I might have punched them. Maybe not punched, because I don’t do physical violence, but I totally would have assaulted them with my middle finger instead.

I came home and your daddy just looked at me. I had snuck out of the house without him seeing what tee-shirt I was wearing. Score 1 for secret operation ninja Maya plan. Score 0 for OH MY GOD NO YOU DID NOT WEAR THAT Woody. I did. And I’m not sorry. Cancer can be sorry, for killing my child. And this is how I feel about cancer, so I’m wearing it. Plus Jai died. And all of these babes are dying, so yeah, fuckyouyoufuckingfuck, was appropriate. I don’t care who says otherwise.

This is what Quinn said to me about 10 times today. “Mom. We have an AIMS test tomorrow. Can you cook us a really good breakfast??”

“Ummm…. of course I can, Quinny.I will cook it and you will do awesome on your test.”

He asked me this, about 5 more times tonight.

I thought to myself, don’t I always cook a good breakfast before school? Then I remembered that no. No I do not. I used to. I used to ALWAYS cook a good breakfast for all of you. Your eggies. Your scrambled eggies. Bacon. Sasauge. The works. I would feed you all, scoop you up in your P.J.’s and throw you in the car. We would drop your brothers off at school and come back home to play for the rest of the day. Now eggies only really happen, on the weekends. During the week, it’s every man for himself here is some cereal and shove some yogurt down your throat if we have time. Eggies pretty much kill me, without having you to feed them too. Tomorrow, I will cook eggies on about the 4 hours of sleep I am going to get tonight. Tomorrow, I will get up extra early to cook the eggies without you. I already hate tomorrow.

This is the other conversation that has gone on for months now. May. May consists of telling your daddy, I think we need to go away.  I do not think it would be a good idea for us to be here, in May. Your daddy wants to know, where I want to go. China. Thailand. Vietnam. Australia. I think it may be a little late for those places. I don’t think I can plan a trip like that. I cannot make a decision to save my life. Why can’t I plan a freaking trip? What is wrong with me? This is easy! Turns out, it’s not so easy. I think I am having major mental block out May issues. If you block out May, it won’t come. It’s coming. I cannot be in Arizona for it. East Coast. I think it’s going to be an East Coast trip. I told your daddy this tonight. Maine? Boston? All of it? “Whatever you want,” was his reply. Just please plan it. Fuck. A plan? How can I plan this let’s get the fuck out of here, because Ronan’s 1 year of everything is coming up??? Because if I do not, I know what will happen. And it is not good.

I tucked your sweet brothers in tonight and sent Rita a text. “Hey. Do you have HBO? I do not. And “Girls,” is premiring on HBO.” It’s our fairy RoMo’s good friends show. I don’t watch T.V. but I did tonight due to Rita’s response  that she did indeed have HBO and she lives close by. We sat and watched, laughed, and LOVED it. I stayed over there late. We talked about May. She has been trying to help me make a decision for weeks now. I’ve been ignoring her. I thought she was going to fly off the couch with happiness when I said, “I’m thinking East Coast…” She seemed to think that was great idea. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I can make your daddy proud, by figuring this shit out. Maybe tomorrow is already here and it looks bleak. We shall see.

Eggies to cook in the morning, Ro. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Apple pies and middle fingers

Ronan. I wonder if I’ll ever have a night where I don’t cry myself to sleep about you. It doesn’t matter if I have the best day possible. I always end it the same way, by crying myself to sleep. Or not sleeping so I just sit and cry and beg for sleep which never comes. It came last night, oddly enough. It’s been 3 nights straight that I have not had to take anything to sleep. I’ve been dreaming really vividly. It’s always the same thing. You are dead. Everybody knows it and is talking about it around me. I never get to see you. Your favorite lovie is always in my dreams…. like Master Yoda. Except this morning I woke up thinking he had died to which sent me into a total panick. I grabbed my phone and sent some crazy text message blabbing about my dream, you know making sure he was still alive. He was. Thank you, Ro.

Today was a pretty good day. Except I have Liam home not feeling well. He is the BEST little sick kid ever. No complaining, no whining, he’s just quiet and content. It felt nice to take care of him. He is so thankful for everything he has. Even without you, Ro. He is so thankful, sweet and kind. He is so happy just to be alive and healthy. You have made him appreciate everything so much more. I don’t know how it is possible to have such kind, well-adjusted brothers after losing you. But they are. It is bittersweet but it gives me one less thing to worry about for now. So I will be thankful for that.

I had a lot of busy work to get done today. I had my friend, Tanya, come over to help me with your new website. For your foundation, not the blog. It’s going to be Romazing. I cannot wait to get it up and running as we are adding a lot of great things to it. I also had one of my lovely little board members over to do some things are our new kick ass intern, Rissy. She’s a student as ASU and is such a doll. I am so excited and grateful to have her help. We need it badly as so many things seem to be happening with your foundation that I can’t keep up. It’s amazing all the really, really good people in the world. They make all the really, really bad people just go away. But you know what the funny thing is? All the haters that come on here, hide behind their computers, and write mean things…. they make me laugh. Like really laugh. Because the things they say are so absurd. It only adds more fuel to my fire, and motivates me in a way that I did not think was possible. In a way that I know that good will prevail over evil. It’s a Rovolution, baby. Because all good things are wild and free.

Here of some examples of why I know things are going to change in the name of childhood cancer and all things good in the word. Because of the thousands of emails I get a day, from people begging to help. Telling me they are so thankful for what they have. That their eyes have been opened up from the ungrateful slumber that they lived in before. Even though they have never been touched by childhood cancer, they don’t care. They are such amazing, kind people that they are not going to sit back, read this story, and do nothing. That is inspiring to me. That moves me. It is one of the biggest reasons that I get out of bed everyday and continue to march forward.

And then there are things like this: A friend. A new friend. A new friend who has been quietly sitting behind the scenes until a few weeks ago when we met up for some dinner and it has been a love affair fueled by endless amounts of chips, salsa, mexican cokes, and all things you. A new friend that sends me an email saying she just got a really insane kick ass job offer and was offered a huge salary, but she is thinking about passing on it. I tell her I’m so excited for her and she tells me that I am missing her point. With a huge salary comes a lot of hours. She says she is going to pass on this huge job offer because she pretty much thinks I am serious about kicking cancers ass and she wants to be able to continue to help me. Because she gets that there is more to life and she fully believes that I am going to makes a lot of shit happen. I told her, do not pass because of me!!! She told me this:

“Because of you. Because of Ronan. Because of kids who need a voice. Because I always fight for the underdog. Because yes, you are fucking inspiring whether you want to be or not.”

Do you want to know what else she told me? That she is afraid I am too kind for this world. I tried to argue and told her to fuck off! That I am not. I am a mean, badass who uses my middle finger 100 times a day, swears constantly while thinking of how I can destroy the world with all of my anger! But that was a lie and she knows it. Truth is, I don’t really swear much in real life and when I do, it’s probably while baking an apple pie while trying to figure out how I can use this anger for good, not evil. Damn it. I wish I could be a little more mean. I guess that is what all this venting is for, on here. Because it is on here that I can get my meanness out. I guess it is better to hash it out on here, then to hash it out in the real world by starting the imaginary bar fights that I think would be so badass. If I were that type of girl. But I’m not and never have been. I’ll just continue to bake my apple fucking pies I guess.

I am inspiring? I am inspiring. She is inspiring. That little Dragon of hers is inspiring. This really good world around me, is inspiring. Your fairy RoMo is inspiring. You are inspiring. You are inspiring, these really, really good people who are going to make such a difference in this world. You know who else is really inspiring? That Taylor Swift friend of yours. TAYLOR!!!! I have been meaning to write you a little letter. I have not forgotten about you and the kindness of your heart. I have not forgotten about that night at your concert when you looked me in the eyes, tears pouring down your face, and told me how sorry you were about Ronan. You didn’t even care that you were messing up your make-up. I have a confession to make, Miss T. I had my reservations about you. Because sometimes I can be a skeptic and sometimes the world of celebs seems so jaded and misguided. I kind of thought you might be too good to be true. I am happy to say that I was wrong and I am so glad about that. I heard what you are doing for Kevin. I hear about these things you are doing for these brave kids. I secretly think it all started because of Ro. Not your good heart as that has always been in you. But the kindness you are showing for these kids who deserve it most in this world. How I so wished Ronan would have had the chance to meet you. But I know he is guiding you in the way he is guiding me. I know you won’t ever forget the most beautiful little boy, as you called him. He is hard to forget, even for someone like you. Thank you for not forgetting him. It means the world to me. I will continue to watch you, love you and be inspired by someone like you. I am so proud of you.
Alright little Ro. I’ve gotta go. I’m so sleepy. I love you. I miss you. I promise to continue to do good things, for you. I hope you are safe. I am so sorry you are not here.
xoxo
P.S. Hellllloooo lovies! Just wanted to let you know that there is the most AWESOME page on Facebook that I think you should all like. It’s called F U cancer and I have no idea who created it;) but it is that awesome, so I think you should check it out and spread the word. It’s funny. It’s witty. It’s inspiring. It’s totally offensive to the people who are offended by the FUCK word, so if that’s the case, you should not check it out. But if you are not offended by the fuck word, because you are smart and think cancer is more offensive…. you need to *like* the page. I promise it will keep you giggling. And they are doing some really great things on it. Thank you! Have a lovely night!
Here is the link!
xoxo