Ring Ring! It’s The Katie Couric Show!

Ronan. Hi. I miss you like crazy. Do you know what I was thinking about today? That I think I think about you, 24 hours a day. I think about you with every single thing that I do. Whether it be watching your brothers, seeing the pain behind your daddy’s eyes, brushing my teeth, driving my car, doing the laundry, working non-stop on your foundation. You are never gone from my thoughts. You never will be. You are the reason so many things are happening. You are the reason I have not given up. You are the reason I have not just buried this all deep down inside of me, never to be talked about again. Your daddy said that to me tonight. That some people think we should just bury this all deep down inside because it is too sad to continue living this life where all we do is miss you so badly. That we should just move on. I just looked at him and said, “Yeah, bury Ronan deep down and not ever talk about him or this again. That’s exactly why this fucking bullshit never changes and that is exactly why kids are still dying. That is fucking bullshit.” I will never bury you, Ronan. I will never bury you which is a big reason why I didn’t put you in the ground. I could not stand the thought of having your “body,” anywhere but with us. I know better than anyone, how sad and hard all of this is. How sad and hard it looks to the outside world. But I think it would be even more sad if after you died, I just decided to walk away and forget about everything that we you had been through. You deserve better than that. These kids deserve better than that. You are too beautiful of a soul to ever be forgotten. You are going to be the reason that things start to change. I always knew you were going to be the poster child for something, because you were that beautiful. In my naïve mind, I just always thought you would be a model for GAP Kids or something. Not because you were murdered by cancer.

I got a phone call yesterday. Another one of those phone calls that just happens and no matter what the news is, I always feel myself remain so calm. I know I am calm by nature, but you’d think I’d start flipping out a little bit by now. Maybe it’s also just my intuition. That I know the most amazing things are just going to happen and I have seriously felt like this one, was going to end up happening for a while. Let me back up a little bit, to one of my “one of those signs,” stories. Last year, remember when I jumped ship and just out of the blue said to your daddy, “I need to leave. I need to go to New York for a while. By myself.” He went back and forth with me a bit, but was totally supportive. I went to New York. The city the makes me feel the strongest. The city that makes me feel closest to you. The city that brought me back to life. I had the most amazing time by myself. I spent it walking the streets. Running Central Park during crazy midnight hours. Visiting shops. Eating at our Fo Yo place. Reading. Spending time with our Fairy RoMo. I found a bit of myself again in that city. Your daddy came out for the last few days. It was around 4:00 p.m. and we were walking the streets close to where we were staying. The most adorable lady came walking past us, looked us both dead in the eye and gave us the warmest smile. I mean so warm, that it could have melted butter. I looked at your daddy. I said, “That was Katie Couric!” He said, “It totally was.” I turned around. “I’m going to give her one of Ronan’s bracelets! She needs to know about him!” I started walking the direction Katie was headed, just in time to see her go into a small shoe store. I hesitated. O.k. Wasn’t meant to be. I thought to myself, “There is NO way, I am going to chase that lady into a shoe store.” So, I didn’t. I just let her dazzling smile and kind eyes, be enough. That was such a profound moment for me and always stuck out in my head. Fast forward to Tuesday. I got a phone call. I called the number back. I got Katie’s assistant who told me that Katie had heard about our story, and would love to have me on her show. I, of course said I would be honored. I cannot think of a better person, that I would like to sit down and talk to. I am so honored. So beyond honored. Remember how I said I wouldn’t stop screaming about you, until people started listening Ronan? I promised you that. I think people are starting to listen, now. I think this world of childhood cancer, is finally going to start getting the attention it so very badly deserves. I think a girl named Taylor is a big reason of why this is all happening. All because of her huge heart and her old soul. She is pure magic and I will forever be so thankful for the most beautiful gift from the most beautiful girl.

Today, I worked on some details for the show. I’ll tell you more about it, when I find out some more things. Today, I took your brothers on a play date as they didn’t have school. It was a district holiday, but really it was for Yom Kippur. But you know in public schools, you can’t say that. Because that makes perfect sense. NOT. Kinda goes along with the same way they cannot call Halloween, Halloween anymore. So ridiculously stupid. So today, it being a “district holiday,” we had a play date with my good friend, Melissa and her kids. My good friend, Melissa that has stood by me through all of this and never went anywhere. My good friend that never judged me, hurt me, left me, or pushed me. She loves you so much. I remember how much you used to love the sound her phone made. That little chirping noise when she got a voicemail or something. I remember how many times she sat at the clinic with us and helped out with you. You want to know the thing I love most about Melissa? That through all the good things that are happening, she never forgets the you part in all of this. Through all of her smiles with everything good that is coming our way, I still see her sadness over the fact that you are gone. She doesn’t hide the and she ALWAYS talks about it. What you see is what you get. I love that so much. She is so genuine and so true. I am so lucky to have found her at one of the worst time of my life, right when you were diagnosed. I am so thankful she is still here.

We played today and on our way home I said to your brothers, “Oh god. I’m going to puke.” Your brothers started to scramble. “Here Mom! Here’s a Trader Joe’s bag!” They passed it to me in the front seat, just in time. It’s only looking back now, that I am laughing at myself. I could have at least pulled over, but no… not me. I puked my guts out in that Trader Joe’s bag, while continuing to drive us down our quiet road close to our house. I’m such a muli-tasker. The rest of the night has consisted of me, throwing up. I thought I was getting past this point of grossness, but today, I feel sicker than ever. Fun times, I tell ya. This better clear up, before Katie. I would not like to puke in a bag on national television. Come on, Poppy. Work with me a little.

Alright little man. I’m going to rest my weary head. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

P.S. Ronan. Tomorrow is Fernanda’s Birthday. You know what to do. Make sure she has the most special day. Make sure she feels you everywhere. Happy Birthday to my most special friend. I love you.

5 months, baby. I’m so sorry.

Ronan. 5 hours. 5 hours until it will be 3:30 a.m. 5 hours until it will have been 5 months since you took your last breath. I don’t know how it has been 5 months since you were here. I’m still looking for you, waiting for you to come home. I’m still not believing that all of this is real. I still feel like I am watching a movie of somebody else’s life. I’m still waiting to wake up. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling this way. I miss you, so much. I don’t know how I’m still going on, without you. But I am. You know I wish I was not.

I’m laying with Quinn now, as he sleeps. Liam is asleep in bed with your Daddy. The bed I just can’t seem to sleep in anymore. The bed where we spent the best of times together and the thought of being in there without you, is unbearable. I usually end up playing musical beds most of the night. The funny thing is, I never end up sleeping in yours. That would be too much I think. In your room, alone, in your bed. That would be the greatest torture. Something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do. I was in your room tonight. In your closet which is still filled with all of your clothes. I opened up a drawer. It was full of the cutest hand me downs from your brothers, that I have saved for you to wear. Everything in the drawer was size 5. I thought to myself for just a second, I wonder if Ronan can fit in to these clothes now?? Fuck. Ronan is dead. I quickly shut the drawer and shooed your brother, Quinn out of your closet. Why is that kid, always following me around? As much as I love him, all I wanted to do was scream, cry and throw myself on the floor, but I couldn’t because he was right there with me. And why? I have no idea. There was no reason for him to be in your closet with me as I was busy doing my own things. I choked back my tears and protected him from seeing the physical pain that was wanting to take over my body. I had no choice.

I spent the day doing busy things. Stuff @ Garage with Katie in preparation of tomorrows drawing for the Fashion Show. Fun stuff. All for you. Always for you. To keep your spirit alive, for the rest of my life. If I cannot have you, physically here, than I will do whatever it takes to make sure your little spirit, is everywhere. I will make sure this will play out, the way you wanted it to once you decided, to leave this earth. By helping others.

I went to watch your brothers basketball game. Your Daddy has been working with them so much. They were amazing today. On fire. It was the best I’ve ever seen the two of them play. They were both so proud. I was so proud. I heard your Daddy, tell them, you would have been proud. He is such a good Daddy. After the basketball game, I ran and met up with Katie so we could do a couple of secret things, for tomorrow. I came home after because I had to drop Quinn off. I went to our nail place to get a mani/pedi. The place where I would always take you and we would get our toes painted together. It was sitting in that salon today, that I realized something that is so obvious to everyone on the outside, looking in. But it gets lost in the fogginess of this new world that I am trying to figure out. Typical Salon Saturday. Full of girls of all kinds. Little girls, teenagers, moms, daughters, granddaughters, grandmothers, friends. The two late 20 something friends who talk waaaaaayyyyy too loud of nothing of importance. “Blah, blah, blah, blah…. OMG. Did you see what she wore last night….. and then she ditched me…. to go off with that guy, who wasn’t even cute…… OMG. Did you know that it is Yom Kippur today. I sent Sam a text to ask her to have lunch and she said she couldn’t, because she was fasting, and I was like, what do you mean? You are already sooooooo skinny! And then she told me it was Yom Kippur and I was like, well that is stupid!!” OMG is right, stupid girl. I almost came out of my chair to pull your hair to to tell you to shut the fuck up and to stop talking so unnecessarily loud in a salon. I’ve never understood why people do this. It is so rude.

We spent the night having friends over for dinner. The best of friends. The kind of friends, that it brings me such happiness to paint their little girls fingernails. The kind of friends, that I sit back and watch Liam play Star Wars guys with their little boy, who is not much older than you, and it does not kill me. It makes me smile as I felt like I was watching Liam, play with you like he used to. This is how I know they are the best of friends. I don’t feel this way about many people, when I have to be around their kids. I feel this way, about these friends and it comes naturally. I still missed you. I still wished you could have been there, playing away too. But it does not sting me. I don’t feel like salt is being rubbed into an open wound. It feels o.k. Never good, as nothing feels good. Just o.k. for now. And if o.k. is as good as it is going to get now; I’ll take it.

What am I going to do, in this life, without you, Ronan? I ask this question to you a lot. But it goes more like this…. “Oh, Ro. What am I going to do without you?” Will I forget what it was like to be your Mama? Because that is one of my biggest fears. I know how the mind works. I try to think back to the memories of College, and even they, are mostly gone. So, is that will what will happen with you? The pain will have no choice but to become less and less, because the memories will fade and my head will be filled with new ones. New ones that I don’t want if it means, forgetting a second of this life that I had, with you. The thought of spending this life without you by my side, leaves my head spinning and my pillow that I lay my head on, soaking wet.

I’ve gotta go, little one. I’m much too sad tonight, to write anymore. Thank you for listening to me when I told you it was time to stop fighting. When I told you to please just relax. I will never forget the three things I asked of you to do for me. I said, “Number one, Ronan. Please do not leave this world, until Fernanda gets back from her trip, so she can see you. Number 2 Ronan…. Please do not leave me on Mother’s Day. And number 3…. Please when you do leave me, go peacefully. Just go to sleep. You listened to everything I said, for the first time in my life. I am so thankful for that Ronan. Only you would have done something so special such as that, for me. Thank you for letting me spend my last Mother’s Day Night sleeping curled up beside you. You left soon after, when I grabbed your little hand and told you, “Come on Ro. Come with me… let’s get out of this place.” God. I so wish I knew where you thought we were going. Did you think we were going home? Did you think we were going to go swimming with the dolphins like you had starting asking to do, after you got sick. To Atlantis?? I don’t care where we would have went together Ro. As long as I could go with you. But I couldn’t go, so now I am trying to live this life full of as much adventure as possible. I’ve decided I do not like the world Journey for the two of us. We will be off on Adventures for the rest of our lives. Just you and me baby. I will look for you, in my dreams. Although I never find you there thanks to my Frienemy, Ambien. Turns out, this life is too painful to live and wrestling with my sleep is something that I cannot handle. I have no choice but to black out into a sea of darkness, for now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are being taken care of. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

5 months, baby. I’m so sorry.

Ronan. 5 hours. 5 hours until it will be 3:30 a.m. 5 hours until it will have been 5 months since you took your last breath. I don’t know how it has been 5 months since you were here. I’m still looking for you, waiting for you to come home. I’m still not believing that all of this is real. I still feel like I am watching a movie of somebody else’s life. I’m still waiting to wake up. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling this way. I miss you, so much. I don’t know how I’m still going on, without you. But I am. You know I wish I was not.

I’m laying with Quinn now, as he sleeps. Liam is asleep in bed with your Daddy. The bed I just can’t seem to sleep in anymore. The bed where we spent the best of times together and the thought of being in there without you, is unbearable. I usually end up playing musical beds most of the night. The funny thing is, I never end up sleeping in yours. That would be too much I think. In your room, alone, in your bed. That would be the greatest torture. Something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do. I was in your room tonight. In your closet which is still filled with all of your clothes. I opened up a drawer. It was full of the cutest hand me downs from your brothers, that I have saved for you to wear. Everything in the drawer was size 5. I thought to myself for just a second, I wonder if Ronan can fit in to these clothes now?? Fuck. Ronan is dead. I quickly shut the drawer and shooed your brother, Quinn out of your closet. Why is that kid, always following me around? As much as I love him, all I wanted to do was scream, cry and throw myself on the floor, but I couldn’t because he was right there with me. And why? I have no idea. There was no reason for him to be in your closet with me as I was busy doing my own things. I choked back my tears and protected him from seeing the physical pain that was wanting to take over my body. I had no choice.

I spent the day doing busy things. Stuff @ Garage with Katie in preparation of tomorrows drawing for the Fashion Show. Fun stuff. All for you. Always for you. To keep your spirit alive, for the rest of my life. If I cannot have you, physically here, than I will do whatever it takes to make sure your little spirit, is everywhere. I will make sure this will play out, the way you wanted it to once you decided, to leave this earth. By helping others.

I went to watch your brothers basketball game. Your Daddy has been working with them so much. They were amazing today. On fire. It was the best I’ve ever seen the two of them play. They were both so proud. I was so proud. I heard your Daddy, tell them, you would have been proud. He is such a good Daddy. After the basketball game, I ran and met up with Katie so we could do a couple of secret things, for tomorrow. I came home after because I had to drop Quinn off. I went to our nail place to get a mani/pedi. The place where I would always take you and we would get our toes painted together. It was sitting in that salon today, that I realized something that is so obvious to everyone on the outside, looking in. But it gets lost in the fogginess of this new world that I am trying to figure out. Typical Salon Saturday. Full of girls of all kinds. Little girls, teenagers, moms, daughters, granddaughters, grandmothers, friends. The two late 20 something friends who talk waaaaaayyyyy too loud of nothing of importance. “Blah, blah, blah, blah…. OMG. Did you see what she wore last night….. and then she ditched me…. to go off with that guy, who wasn’t even cute…… OMG. Did you know that it is Yom Kippur today. I sent Sam a text to ask her to have lunch and she said she couldn’t, because she was fasting, and I was like, what do you mean? You are already sooooooo skinny! And then she told me it was Yom Kippur and I was like, well that is stupid!!” OMG is right, stupid girl. I almost came out of my chair to pull your hair to to tell you to shut the fuck up and to stop talking so unnecessarily loud in a salon. I’ve never understood why people do this. It is so rude.

We spent the night having friends over for dinner. The best of friends. The kind of friends, that it brings me such happiness to paint their little girls fingernails. The kind of friends, that I sit back and watch Liam play Star Wars guys with their little boy, who is not much older than you, and it does not kill me. It makes me smile as I felt like I was watching Liam, play with you like he used to. This is how I know they are the best of friends. I don’t feel this way about many people, when I have to be around their kids. I feel this way, about these friends and it comes naturally. I still missed you. I still wished you could have been there, playing away too. But it does not sting me. I don’t feel like salt is being rubbed into an open wound. It feels o.k. Never good, as nothing feels good. Just o.k. for now. And if o.k. is as good as it is going to get now; I’ll take it.

What am I going to do, in this life, without you, Ronan? I ask this question to you a lot. But it goes more like this…. “Oh, Ro. What am I going to do without you?” Will I forget what it was like to be your Mama? Because that is one of my biggest fears. I know how the mind works. I try to think back to the memories of College, and even they, are mostly gone. So, is that will what will happen with you? The pain will have no choice but to become less and less, because the memories will fade and my head will be filled with new ones. New ones that I don’t want if it means, forgetting a second of this life that I had, with you. The thought of spending this life without you by my side, leaves my head spinning and my pillow that I lay my head on, soaking wet.

I’ve gotta go, little one. I’m much too sad tonight, to write anymore. Thank you for listening to me when I told you it was time to stop fighting. When I told you to please just relax. I will never forget the three things I asked of you to do for me. I said, “Number one, Ronan. Please do not leave this world, until Fernanda gets back from her trip, so she can see you. Number 2 Ronan…. Please do not leave me on Mother’s Day. And number 3…. Please when you do leave me, go peacefully. Just go to sleep. You listened to everything I said, for the first time in my life. I am so thankful for that Ronan. Only you would have done something so special such as that, for me. Thank you for letting me spend my last Mother’s Day Night sleeping curled up beside you. You left soon after, when I grabbed your little hand and told you, “Come on Ro. Come with me… let’s get out of this place.” God. I so wish I knew where you thought we were going. Did you think we were going home? Did you think we were going to go swimming with the dolphins like you had starting asking to do, after you got sick. To Atlantis?? I don’t care where we would have went together Ro. As long as I could go with you. But I couldn’t go, so now I am trying to live this life full of as much adventure as possible. I’ve decided I do not like the world Journey for the two of us. We will be off on Adventures for the rest of our lives. Just you and me baby. I will look for you, in my dreams. Although I never find you there thanks to my Frienemy, Ambien. Turns out, this life is too painful to live and wrestling with my sleep is something that I cannot handle. I have no choice but to black out into a sea of darkness, for now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are being taken care of. I hope you are safe.

xoxo