5 months, baby. I’m so sorry.


Ronan. 5 hours. 5 hours until it will be 3:30 a.m. 5 hours until it will have been 5 months since you took your last breath. I don’t know how it has been 5 months since you were here. I’m still looking for you, waiting for you to come home. I’m still not believing that all of this is real. I still feel like I am watching a movie of somebody else’s life. I’m still waiting to wake up. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling this way. I miss you, so much. I don’t know how I’m still going on, without you. But I am. You know I wish I was not.

I’m laying with Quinn now, as he sleeps. Liam is asleep in bed with your Daddy. The bed I just can’t seem to sleep in anymore. The bed where we spent the best of times together and the thought of being in there without you, is unbearable. I usually end up playing musical beds most of the night. The funny thing is, I never end up sleeping in yours. That would be too much I think. In your room, alone, in your bed. That would be the greatest torture. Something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do. I was in your room tonight. In your closet which is still filled with all of your clothes. I opened up a drawer. It was full of the cutest hand me downs from your brothers, that I have saved for you to wear. Everything in the drawer was size 5. I thought to myself for just a second, I wonder if Ronan can fit in to these clothes now?? Fuck. Ronan is dead. I quickly shut the drawer and shooed your brother, Quinn out of your closet. Why is that kid, always following me around? As much as I love him, all I wanted to do was scream, cry and throw myself on the floor, but I couldn’t because he was right there with me. And why? I have no idea. There was no reason for him to be in your closet with me as I was busy doing my own things. I choked back my tears and protected him from seeing the physical pain that was wanting to take over my body. I had no choice.

I spent the day doing busy things. Stuff @ Garage with Katie in preparation of tomorrows drawing for the Fashion Show. Fun stuff. All for you. Always for you. To keep your spirit alive, for the rest of my life. If I cannot have you, physically here, than I will do whatever it takes to make sure your little spirit, is everywhere. I will make sure this will play out, the way you wanted it to once you decided, to leave this earth. By helping others.

I went to watch your brothers basketball game. Your Daddy has been working with them so much. They were amazing today. On fire. It was the best I’ve ever seen the two of them play. They were both so proud. I was so proud. I heard your Daddy, tell them, you would have been proud. He is such a good Daddy. After the basketball game, I ran and met up with Katie so we could do a couple of secret things, for tomorrow. I came home after because I had to drop Quinn off. I went to our nail place to get a mani/pedi. The place where I would always take you and we would get our toes painted together. It was sitting in that salon today, that I realized something that is so obvious to everyone on the outside, looking in. But it gets lost in the fogginess of this new world that I am trying to figure out. Typical Salon Saturday. Full of girls of all kinds. Little girls, teenagers, moms, daughters, granddaughters, grandmothers, friends. The two late 20 something friends who talk waaaaaayyyyy too loud of nothing of importance. “Blah, blah, blah, blah…. OMG. Did you see what she wore last night….. and then she ditched me…. to go off with that guy, who wasn’t even cute…… OMG. Did you know that it is Yom Kippur today. I sent Sam a text to ask her to have lunch and she said she couldn’t, because she was fasting, and I was like, what do you mean? You are already sooooooo skinny! And then she told me it was Yom Kippur and I was like, well that is stupid!!” OMG is right, stupid girl. I almost came out of my chair to pull your hair to to tell you to shut the fuck up and to stop talking so unnecessarily loud in a salon. I’ve never understood why people do this. It is so rude.

We spent the night having friends over for dinner. The best of friends. The kind of friends, that it brings me such happiness to paint their little girls fingernails. The kind of friends, that I sit back and watch Liam play Star Wars guys with their little boy, who is not much older than you, and it does not kill me. It makes me smile as I felt like I was watching Liam, play with you like he used to. This is how I know they are the best of friends. I don’t feel this way about many people, when I have to be around their kids. I feel this way, about these friends and it comes naturally. I still missed you. I still wished you could have been there, playing away too. But it does not sting me. I don’t feel like salt is being rubbed into an open wound. It feels o.k. Never good, as nothing feels good. Just o.k. for now. And if o.k. is as good as it is going to get now; I’ll take it.

What am I going to do, in this life, without you, Ronan? I ask this question to you a lot. But it goes more like this…. “Oh, Ro. What am I going to do without you?” Will I forget what it was like to be your Mama? Because that is one of my biggest fears. I know how the mind works. I try to think back to the memories of College, and even they, are mostly gone. So, is that will what will happen with you? The pain will have no choice but to become less and less, because the memories will fade and my head will be filled with new ones. New ones that I don’t want if it means, forgetting a second of this life that I had, with you. The thought of spending this life without you by my side, leaves my head spinning and my pillow that I lay my head on, soaking wet.

I’ve gotta go, little one. I’m much too sad tonight, to write anymore. Thank you for listening to me when I told you it was time to stop fighting. When I told you to please just relax. I will never forget the three things I asked of you to do for me. I said, “Number one, Ronan. Please do not leave this world, until Fernanda gets back from her trip, so she can see you. Number 2 Ronan…. Please do not leave me on Mother’s Day. And number 3…. Please when you do leave me, go peacefully. Just go to sleep. You listened to everything I said, for the first time in my life. I am so thankful for that Ronan. Only you would have done something so special such as that, for me. Thank you for letting me spend my last Mother’s Day Night sleeping curled up beside you. You left soon after, when I grabbed your little hand and told you, “Come on Ro. Come with me… let’s get out of this place.” God. I so wish I knew where you thought we were going. Did you think we were going home? Did you think we were going to go swimming with the dolphins like you had starting asking to do, after you got sick. To Atlantis?? I don’t care where we would have went together Ro. As long as I could go with you. But I couldn’t go, so now I am trying to live this life full of as much adventure as possible. I’ve decided I do not like the world Journey for the two of us. We will be off on Adventures for the rest of our lives. Just you and me baby. I will look for you, in my dreams. Although I never find you there thanks to my Frienemy, Ambien. Turns out, this life is too painful to live and wrestling with my sleep is something that I cannot handle. I have no choice but to black out into a sea of darkness, for now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are being taken care of. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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19 thoughts on “5 months, baby. I’m so sorry.

  1. Kate

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Still reading Maya, still loving and believing in you, still feeling your pain and heartbreak. How you manage to use it to touch others, including strangers, is brave and beautiful.

  2. Shari

    Hi Maya,
    As I read your blog, I imagined I’m the stranger you see in the salon as you get your mani/pedi. I see your tears stream down your face. I come up to you and hug you. Like you would have said to the young blonde, ‘You are alive, you have an opportunity to change & be happy,’ I’m sure your
    little angel Ronan wants you to be happy.
    True, I have no idea what you are going through. I couldn’t even begin to imagine. My heart just aches for you more than you could imagine. I get such a tightness in my chest when I read your words. I just want to run. And I can. My thoughts immediately go back to you and I know this is your reality. Again, in my mind I invision being that stranger who sees you in the salon and I offer you a hug.
    Keep doing what you do. You are such an amazing momma. I know Ronan would be so proud of all you do to keep his spirit alive. We will never forget him.

    Continued love and prayers to you and your family.

    Shari
    Scottsdale, AZ

  3. Jaime H.

    Gosh Maya, I am crying for you right now. That picture! Wow. I am so sorry. I can’t believe it’s been 5 months! You’re doing amazing things through all of this and you should be proud of how you’ve handled everything that’s been dealt you. That was so sweet, about the chubby gal at the salon. I hope you see her again. I pray for you every day. I think of you and Ronan often. Your words have forever touched me. I don’t think you will ever forget him or your time with him. How could you possibly? Sending loving thoughts and prayers your way today! Hope you have an “ok” day. xoxoxo

  4. Jaime H.

    Oh, and someday, you should put all of this together and write a book, “Ronan’s Journey by Maya Thompson” or something like that 🙂 I’d buy it! All proceed’s towards cancer research for ped’s. 🙂 xo God bless…

  5. Jennifer

    I think the same thing when I see a heavy person. I want to help them see how much more they could enjoy life. I want to teach them how. Kids like Ronan will never get the chance to. We all owe it to them to live life like they deserved to. Thought of you this morning when I realized it was the 9th. I have a hard time with dates, can’t remember when my grandmother died, but I remember Ronan’s. Maybe its because her death was natural and the way things were supposed to be and Ronan’s was not. I will run today. For that girl that needs to so she can find life, for Ronan, for me, and for my kids so that I may be in their lives as long as possible. Thinking of you and your family today.

  6. kim

    oh maya how i wish you could just be with ro and feel this unbearable pain in your heart. why do ugly things like neuroblastoma and other childhood cancers happen??? why???? i have been asking myself this question that never has an answer since the day i fell in love with ronan. i will never ever understand this. i havent’t commented in a while but know that like i have said before you, ronan with his sparkly eyes, and your beautiful family have captured my heart forever! i’m forever in ro’s corner and forever a faithful member of maya’s mafia!!
    xoxoxo

  7. Anon

    It’s unbelievable how presumptuous you are. What if the reason the girl was unhappy was not because of how she looks, but because of something horrible that’s going on in her life? What of the reason she’s heavy is because of a medical disorder? And even if it’s not, who are you (or anyone else who doesn’t know her) to presume that all her problems would be fixed if she’d only lose a few pounds? What if she’s donated money to The Ronan Thompson Foundation anonymously? What if she’s participated in any one of the many fundraisers that have been held in his name? What if she reads this blog, knew exactly who you were, but was too shy to say hello? What if she prays every single day for God to give you the strength to get through another day, bearing all the pain that she knows you feel? Well, let me assure you that now, she will never introduce herself to you if she sees you again. Because she will fear the humiliation and embarrassment you might cause her by calling attention to her appearance. So I guess it’s now clear that only perfect, pretty people are welcome to be members of Maya’s Mafia, while everyone else is to be pitied.

    I hope a cute for Neuroblastoma is found, and I absolutely hate that Ronan died before that happened. I will continue to give my own time and money to help find that cure, and I will continue to sign petitions and help raise awareness. You’re still in my daily thoughts and prayers, and you will remain there because what you’ve been through is horrifyingly tragic and awful. But I won’t be reading your blog anymore.

    1. Anon

      Actually, one more thing. You have a lot of power, Maya. Until now, I assumed you would use it to empower, encourage, and uplift, not to give a voice to your own judgment. The people who read this blog think about you all the time. They worry about you, in spite of having never met you. Do you think every single one of your readers is a perfect size 4? They aren’t. Guaranteed.

    2. Katie

      What the fuck are you talking about? Where did you find anything in this post being about Maya talking negatively about overweight people? Maybe you should re-read. Jesus fucking christ, how can you feel good about writing this? And honestly even if there had been something on here that you did not like this is Maya’s space. You are a god damn guest.

      Maya, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that we can not just swoop in and make this all better. it is so unfair. It makes me so angry.

      xxoo

  8. Katie

    Thinking of you so much Maya. I don’t know how it’s possible to love a little boy that I never truly knew so much. I wish he was here playing too, causing great trouble and mischief, getting his toenails painted. 🙂 His face just melts my heart. I’m so sorry you have to go on without him, it seems like pure torture and nearly impossible. I wish I would have been in that same salon, to offer a smile or a hug… to talk about something as significant as your beautiful little boy… or to just shed a tear with you.

    On another note, I can’t wait until the fashion show… that will make us all smile 🙂

  9. sara maurer

    Maya, I’m thinking of you today….I’m sorry for this pain. I wish Iknew what to say. You touch my soul everytime I read your words.

  10. Pingback: Painful Perspective « It Just Dawned On Me

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