5 months, baby. I’m so sorry.


Ronan. 5 hours. 5 hours until it will be 3:30 a.m. 5 hours until it will have been 5 months since you took your last breath. I don’t know how it has been 5 months since you were here. I’m still looking for you, waiting for you to come home. I’m still not believing that all of this is real. I still feel like I am watching a movie of somebody else’s life. I’m still waiting to wake up. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling this way. I miss you, so much. I don’t know how I’m still going on, without you. But I am. You know I wish I was not.

I’m laying with Quinn now, as he sleeps. Liam is asleep in bed with your Daddy. The bed I just can’t seem to sleep in anymore. The bed where we spent the best of times together and the thought of being in there without you, is unbearable. I usually end up playing musical beds most of the night. The funny thing is, I never end up sleeping in yours. That would be too much I think. In your room, alone, in your bed. That would be the greatest torture. Something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do. I was in your room tonight. In your closet which is still filled with all of your clothes. I opened up a drawer. It was full of the cutest hand me downs from your brothers, that I have saved for you to wear. Everything in the drawer was size 5. I thought to myself for just a second, I wonder if Ronan can fit in to these clothes now?? Fuck. Ronan is dead. I quickly shut the drawer and shooed your brother, Quinn out of your closet. Why is that kid, always following me around? As much as I love him, all I wanted to do was scream, cry and throw myself on the floor, but I couldn’t because he was right there with me. And why? I have no idea. There was no reason for him to be in your closet with me as I was busy doing my own things. I choked back my tears and protected him from seeing the physical pain that was wanting to take over my body. I had no choice.

I spent the day doing busy things. Stuff @ Garage with Katie in preparation of tomorrows drawing for the Fashion Show. Fun stuff. All for you. Always for you. To keep your spirit alive, for the rest of my life. If I cannot have you, physically here, than I will do whatever it takes to make sure your little spirit, is everywhere. I will make sure this will play out, the way you wanted it to once you decided, to leave this earth. By helping others.

I went to watch your brothers basketball game. Your Daddy has been working with them so much. They were amazing today. On fire. It was the best I’ve ever seen the two of them play. They were both so proud. I was so proud. I heard your Daddy, tell them, you would have been proud. He is such a good Daddy. After the basketball game, I ran and met up with Katie so we could do a couple of secret things, for tomorrow. I came home after because I had to drop Quinn off. I went to our nail place to get a mani/pedi. The place where I would always take you and we would get our toes painted together. It was sitting in that salon today, that I realized something that is so obvious to everyone on the outside, looking in. But it gets lost in the fogginess of this new world that I am trying to figure out. Typical Salon Saturday. Full of girls of all kinds. Little girls, teenagers, moms, daughters, granddaughters, grandmothers, friends. The two late 20 something friends who talk waaaaaayyyyy too loud of nothing of importance. “Blah, blah, blah, blah…. OMG. Did you see what she wore last night….. and then she ditched me…. to go off with that guy, who wasn’t even cute…… OMG. Did you know that it is Yom Kippur today. I sent Sam a text to ask her to have lunch and she said she couldn’t, because she was fasting, and I was like, what do you mean? You are already sooooooo skinny! And then she told me it was Yom Kippur and I was like, well that is stupid!!” OMG is right, stupid girl. I almost came out of my chair to pull your hair to to tell you to shut the fuck up and to stop talking so unnecessarily loud in a salon. I’ve never understood why people do this. It is so rude.

We spent the night having friends over for dinner. The best of friends. The kind of friends, that it brings me such happiness to paint their little girls fingernails. The kind of friends, that I sit back and watch Liam play Star Wars guys with their little boy, who is not much older than you, and it does not kill me. It makes me smile as I felt like I was watching Liam, play with you like he used to. This is how I know they are the best of friends. I don’t feel this way about many people, when I have to be around their kids. I feel this way, about these friends and it comes naturally. I still missed you. I still wished you could have been there, playing away too. But it does not sting me. I don’t feel like salt is being rubbed into an open wound. It feels o.k. Never good, as nothing feels good. Just o.k. for now. And if o.k. is as good as it is going to get now; I’ll take it.

What am I going to do, in this life, without you, Ronan? I ask this question to you a lot. But it goes more like this…. “Oh, Ro. What am I going to do without you?” Will I forget what it was like to be your Mama? Because that is one of my biggest fears. I know how the mind works. I try to think back to the memories of College, and even they, are mostly gone. So, is that will what will happen with you? The pain will have no choice but to become less and less, because the memories will fade and my head will be filled with new ones. New ones that I don’t want if it means, forgetting a second of this life that I had, with you. The thought of spending this life without you by my side, leaves my head spinning and my pillow that I lay my head on, soaking wet.

I’ve gotta go, little one. I’m much too sad tonight, to write anymore. Thank you for listening to me when I told you it was time to stop fighting. When I told you to please just relax. I will never forget the three things I asked of you to do for me. I said, “Number one, Ronan. Please do not leave this world, until Fernanda gets back from her trip, so she can see you. Number 2 Ronan…. Please do not leave me on Mother’s Day. And number 3…. Please when you do leave me, go peacefully. Just go to sleep. You listened to everything I said, for the first time in my life. I am so thankful for that Ronan. Only you would have done something so special such as that, for me. Thank you for letting me spend my last Mother’s Day Night sleeping curled up beside you. You left soon after, when I grabbed your little hand and told you, “Come on Ro. Come with me… let’s get out of this place.” God. I so wish I knew where you thought we were going. Did you think we were going home? Did you think we were going to go swimming with the dolphins like you had starting asking to do, after you got sick. To Atlantis?? I don’t care where we would have went together Ro. As long as I could go with you. But I couldn’t go, so now I am trying to live this life full of as much adventure as possible. I’ve decided I do not like the world Journey for the two of us. We will be off on Adventures for the rest of our lives. Just you and me baby. I will look for you, in my dreams. Although I never find you there thanks to my Frienemy, Ambien. Turns out, this life is too painful to live and wrestling with my sleep is something that I cannot handle. I have no choice but to black out into a sea of darkness, for now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are being taken care of. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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One thought on “5 months, baby. I’m so sorry.

  1. kathleen

    Maya,
    I know this is a difficult time for you and your family! The holidays were also very difficult in the beginning when my son passed away from cancer on Dec. 23, 1989 at the age of three, due to dealing with neuroblastoma for two and a half years. I know that words cannot make the pain go away and all I can say is my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I can honestly say that even now, after twenty two years of my son being gone! I ask God, why did my son have to get cancer? However, I know in my heart I will never know the reason, and there are some things in life that we will never get answers to our questions. However, I do know that I one lucky mother to have a loving little boy who taught me the value of love, faith and courage. Furthermore, I learned that nothing in life will be as difficult as what my child dealt with, and what your son Ronan dealt with in regards to battling cancer.

    I believe I will see my son again, as you will see Ronan again! I too had two little boys to raise after their oldest brother passed away at the age of three. I am ever so grateful that God allowed me to have a reason to get up in the morning after “Tony” passed away, as my two little boys needed a mother to take care of them, as I needed them to help me get through the day.

    Take one day at a time………

    Hugs,
    Kathleen

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