Grief, Pregnancy and Pies


 

Ronan. I think I told you that I tried to “prep,” with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. I am a natural born mother. I am a good mother. The fact that I still don’t really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. I know we talked about it, but I don’t remember all the things you told me. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. I don’t remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. I can’t even begin to think about a nursery. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. I’m not sure what we will do. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I told your daddy he needs to build a new room for this baby because it’s not having yours. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. I won’t do it.

I am still pretty sick. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. What in the hell is that all about? That’s all I want to eat. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie… yes please. Any type of meat makes me throw up. Any type of cooking smell, makes my stomach turn. I’ve been living off of pie. So weird, but I’ll take it. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Bring on the pies now. I’ll enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. I was going through some emails. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. This led to him calling my phone. We had a little debate that  I took a stance on and refused to back down. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. This is one of the things that I love most about him. The way he makes me exam everything that comes my way, with a magnifying glass. This led to me bawling on the phone. “You didn’t see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. I won’t tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. I know how much your heart is broken. Why would I want to break it anymore? Yes, it was barbaric. Yes, it is wrong. These are kids. They deserve more compassionate treatments. I lived in this world. I saw things that you don’t even know about. Someday, I will tell you.” I sobbed into the phone. “Darling. It’s o.k. You are right. You are so right. You don’t have anything to prove to me, o.k. He deserved better. You know you have my utmost respect, always. Come on, settle down. When do you leave for New York? Tell me about your trip.” I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. We talked about New York for a bit. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. What a fucking joke.

I have tried to be as productive as possible. I had a long board meeting last night. As always, it was good. I love our little unconventional board. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. That means everything to me. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Let the strategizing, begin…

Sooooooo… New York!!! I leave soon. I have some serious business to attend to! I’m so excited. Stacy is coming with me. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids’ Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. All fueled by everything Ronan. My favorite kind of trip. The only one’s I feel comfortable taking. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit… I know great things will come from this trip.

A lot of you little blog readers have asked why I am calling this baby Poppy for now. It’s because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. It won’t be the real name for the baby. We have had those picked out for a long time. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. We think we have our boy name too. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. That is important to our family. We have all agreed on that. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Your questions are sweet. I love reading all of your comments. Thanks for writing them.

I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I miss you so much. I watched your daddy come home from work today. I was laying in bed.(still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. Watching him do this, I felt like I was sucker punched. His keys, our son, on our dresser. It is just all so wrong. You should not be sitting there. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I’m sorry for everything. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

All good things are wild and free, right Ro???
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64 thoughts on “Grief, Pregnancy and Pies

  1. secret

    U ROCK MAYA you are sooo inspirational person. Ronan is taking care of you and all ur family every single day….i heard about you from a very talented 22 year old name Taylor Swift both of you guys will change this world for ever and i know that Cancer will be defeated one day…BLESS YOU AND ALL YOUR FAMILY!!!!

  2. Sandra Heaslip

    Thank you for introducing your awesome Ro to me every day. I recenty read the article in NYT and there hasn’t been one day since that I don’t think of you and yours. Words escape me now

  3. Carolyn

    That’s the greatest picture of Ronan, sweet little nudie, riding that quad. And I actually think the name Poppy is so totally adorable. You deserve to have some joy come back into your life, I hope Poppy can bring this to you…and keep changing the world Maya.

  4. April

    Maya, if your craving sweets it usually is an indicator of a girl on her way 🙂 just what Ronan wanted! ❤ his hand in sending this baby down to you!

  5. Chelsea

    You’re right. It is totally fucked up that Ronan is not here to take those keys and hide them or do something else that the spiciest kids do 😉
    Don’t be too hard on yourself about your mixed feelings about pregnancy. That is a completely normal side effect of the grief that you are unfairly saddled with.
    On another note, enjoy those pies! Try pecan pie if you’ve never had it 🙂

  6. JessiLee

    Poppy is perfect. Don’t be scared. (Then I think that you will think (and I kind of do too), how do I tell a mama whose 3 year old was stolen from her by cancer, not to be SCARED. But I’m going to tell you it even if you don’t want to hear it.) Don’t be scared. Can’t wait to hear the name. Keep on truckin’ mama.

  7. JessiLee

    And for the record- I laughed really hard at the pie thing. Love it;) Wish we could share a piece.

    Or the whole thing. Whatever. 🙂

  8. Paula

    It’s not only Poppy!! It’s vampire Poppy!!! Remember that???!!! I LOL when you called Poppy that! because it is sucking all the energy out of you!!! Have a great time in NY! Be safe!!! xoxoxoxoxo

  9. JessiLee

    OH and not to be crazy stalker blogger with 3 comments in one post- but when is sweet Poppy making his or her arrival? There’s a question you can address. (And you may have already, I’m still on year 2011 here for the most part.)

  10. Stef

    Maya,
    Thank you for all your posts. I read them every night before I go to bed and get teary-eyed every night also. Thank you for changing our world and making me a better mother. Sweet Dreams Ronan…..

  11. Katy Brockway

    I think of precious Ronan and his Momma all the time. I have his song on my iPod and turn it up and stop everything when it plays at work. I hate this loss and I HATE cancer; stupid, shameless, vicious cancer. Fuck cancer. Cancer is a coward and you and Ronan are calling it out!…like an Army guy. Keep on shining your bright star Ronan and leading your momma thru this battle. I believe in you!

  12. Kim

    That picture made me smile. You are right, you’re a good mother. Anytime I can actually watch a video about Ro, I comment on it. I talk to him like you do, I tell him that it’s bullshit that he is gone. That you’re a spitfire, and you’re going to raise hell until someone listens to you, and that I know you are going to change things. You will Mama Maya, you will. I’m so proud of you and inspired by you. I am only 21 years old, I don’t know what it is like to lose a child. I’ve seen cancer in an adult, that’s bad enough. But children? Not okay. I won’t be quiet about that either. I decided to volunteer in pediatric oncology so I can face this head on, and share my honest, non sugar coated words with others. Maybe then they will care more about a murderer. Gold before pink, that needs to happen one day soon. I know with your help it will. You are too hard on yourself, you didn’t just lose Ronan, you had to watch him get poked and prodded, that alone is terrible. When Ro died, a part of you did too. But you are the ultimate proof that there is a way to go on, and it’s that invincible “I’m not taking any of this shit, I’ll go down swinging attitude” that’s doing it. Keep going Maya. I read your blog every time you update now, and I always end in tears. You are one hell of a woman.

  13. Maquaila Stacy

    I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone I had never met. I never got to mee Ronan. But, oh do I wish I did. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so devastated for you. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling. But Ronan’s story has inspired me. His amazing little beautifully wonderful self has inspired me to live for everyone who isn’t. Through reading these posts, it has become clear to me what I want to do with my life. I want to be a pediatric nurse, and I want to make every kid feel as good as possible while they are dealing with the worst thing that could ever happen to them. I have decided to live every day for Ronan, live like a rockstar.

  14. Ali Barnes

    All I wish for you is that you can find the joy in this pregnancy that you so deserve. I can’t even imagine the internal struggle you must be having. I think Ro made sure you were ready to have this baby in your life though…I think if this had happened earlier, perhaps you might not have handled it as well as you’re handling it now (obviously this is a assumption on my part – i can only go by what you write here so i hope that comment doesn’t offend you in anyway. You know that would never be my intention).
    I so wish I lived closer to you – i would bake pies for you whenever you wanted.

  15. Derek

    Don’t be so hard on yourself,nothing was your fault,this whole world is so fucked up,we seem to have lost what is valuable in this world,material goods seem to have taken over so many peoples lives,i lay on my lads beds last night and gave all 3 an extra hug,earlier we had lit a candle for Ty on his birthday,we ain’t to religious but we prayed for Ty last night,your work is important,i am joining this fight because of Ronan,and your right no parent should have to make decisions like you had to!!thank you!

  16. Jess

    Love that picture……..turned my tears into laughter…… Got your FU bracelets this week. Got some for my boys too. (the kiddie version) They gave some to their friends, and told them about your Ronan…they are 5 & 7…..and they want more bracelets for more of their friends…i love their hearts, and how they spread love through your sweet boy…. 🙂

  17. maureen

    I recently found out that one meaning of the name “Maya” is “mother” in Greek and in India “Maya” is also associated with mothers because she was buddha’s mother. Such a fitting name for you!

    I’m excited to find out what new project you have in the works. If you don’t mind me asking, when is lil Poppy due? I guess we can expect he/she will have a traditional Irish name too.

  18. Angela

    Oh Maya…I’m so sorry that this pregnancy is difficult. I remember like it was yesterday how it was to be pregnant while grieving the loss of another child. I was never content. I wasn’t waiting to see when this baby would be born safe and sound. I was waiting to see when she would die, because I knew she would. I knew I would be holding another stillborn baby in my arms after a long, painful birthing process. I was practically glued to the professional fetal heart monitor that I rented, even while driving I would be pulling over at any random parking lots for a quick check and even the checks wouldn’t 100% convince me. She’s now almost 11 years old and as sweet and stubborn as they come. I’m so sorry this pregnancy can’t be smooth sailing and all innocent excitement and anticipation. I so wish precious, handsome and beautiful inside and out Ronan could be there with there rest of you, as he should be, to eagerly await the arrival of “Poppy”. Sending much love, prayers and positive vibes your way.

  19. Sally

    I just wanted to extend my heartfelt condolences and offer some encouragement. You are doing great things for children who have/ will have this awful horrible murdering disease. Ronan’s spirit is living on in all you are doing Maya, what an awesome testament to how great of a mother you are. Ronans story has prompted me to make sure I take advantage of every moment with my son and has helped me to realize that childhood cancer is about more than just some commercial on TV late at night. It is about finding humane treatments that work for these kids so no parent or child has to suffer. Xoxo

  20. paula

    I have a silly question….who is MR. Sparkly? I’ve been reading for a long time but haven’t figured out who he is? A friend of the familys? A relative? So sorry…just curious!! Lol… Ps…omg, I have a picture of my 3 year old riding his John Deere tractor in the buff! Love it!

  21. lindsay nauheimer

    My friend’s two year old son was diagnosed with stage IV glioblastoma last November. It’s been a nightmare watching them go through this and I can’t even begin the fathom what they are going through. I read your posts, hear your beautiful song, and know it’s the same thing. I’m determined to do my part to raise awareness and as much money as possible… in honor of Ronan, Ty, and my friend’s sweet little Joey.

  22. amourningmom

    Was it just a coincidence that Taylor Swift was wearing a dress with Poppys on it on the Stand Up to Cancer? Or maybe those weren’t Poppys. . .

    Pregnancy after the death of one of your children is so complicated. After our son, Jake died (not from cancer) I wanted to see and hold our next babies before I could believe it was really true. As you wrote, Poppy will be a very loved baby.

    Safe travels to NY. Sending hugs, hope and a giant FU Cancer.

  23. Kate Buckley

    Maya, You and Ronan are truly changing this world. I told you in an email how shocked I was to learn (from you) about the horrors of pediatric cancer including the devastating underfunding. Fuck cancer and, honestly, fuck anyone who does not see that pediatric cancer should get the majority of the funding. My Mom has been battling aggressive bladder cancer for nearly six months now and when I talked to her she said she would want every dollar that funds bladder cancer research to go to pediatric cancer. Because children’s cancer should be eradicated! Children should not suffer if we are capable of protecting them. As a mother, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are in, but please be confident in the good Ronan is still doing in this world. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  24. Bridget

    Just a quick note, to show you how far your message is reaching. I live across the US in Ohio, and I share Ronan’s story with everyone I know. I too am pregnant and I think often of Ronan and my own child, how childhood should be wonderful and peaceful, but in reality as you have said it can be cruel and barbaric. I pray for a cure everyday, better treatments and more attention and funding, to the awful monster, that cancer is, and the way it prays on the sweetest of children. I know my part is small, but I will continue to share Ronan’s story and help in anyway I can.

  25. Juliana

    On January 19 2011 you wrote that Ronan wished for a baby sister who he wanted to name Mickey Mouse 🙂
    Something brought me to that post this morning for the first time. I hope he gets his wish ❤

  26. Mindy Harris

    So I just heard that Facebook now has one billion people on it… ONE BILLION, What if facebook somehow put on their login page a link to donate one dollar? Just one dollar?? How do we get Facebook to do that?? Can you imagine?

    1. Stacey

      In just the few weeks that I’ve been reading Maya’s blog, the views have gone up by over 4 million. Can you imagine if every one of those people had donated a dollar to Ronan’s foundation?

  27. RANA

    Dear Maya, I have been reading your blog for awhile and yesterday I finally posted a comment, because I had an idea on how to raise awareness and money. I posted it as a comment under your mission statement, then I thought she might not get to read all of her comments, so Im going to try again. I feel this need, this want, to help. As I stated in my other comment, I am a mom, who has a child, who has cancer. I hate it! I hate cancer! I want to help, I dont want any other mom to know our feeling, no other child to have to go thru this. This is what I want, and I know you want, but the difference is you are actually doing something, and Im not. I want to do “Something”! so if you get a chance please read my idea under your mission statement, with my name Rana. let me know what you think. and other ways I can help. I have raised a little bit of money for the hospital floor that we stayed on to buy the kids toys, but thats not what I want. What I want is for that floor to not exist, but there is no such thing as childhood cancer. How do we make that happen????? as i said I know your busy…but I thought I would try again. Thanks for all you are doing Maya! I wish that cancer could just get cancer and die. Fuck You Cancer
    Rana

  28. Judy Lennon

    Maya Girl *In my southern accent* ~~You have a job to do and Ro is still the boss! The world is your stage!! Every hour of your life is an hour that can be spent Phucking cancer’s shit up!! When you lay down in weakness and in sorrow and depression just envision Cancer covering you like a blanket and envision it winning, sucking another minute of your life away! When you do that, when you lay down and cry it is whipping your azz just like it is whipping the asses of all the kids! When you do that it is winning the battle!!
    Maya Girl~~The only time you need to lay down is to sleep and gather strength to get up and whip it’s sorry ass some more!! You know the difference is laying down for strength and laying down to surrender. You know you do! Eat pie! Eat all the pie you can eat! Cry! Crying is healthy! But do it while you are fighting! Do it while you are phucking this disease up! Do it in battle!! Don’t lay down and let this phucker called cancer take another hour of life from you!! Don’t let it take another hour from Ronan either!
    I am not a blog reader! Would you believe this is the first blog I have read? I am not a Taylor Swift fan per se… (Or I was not until I heard Ronan) My point? Everything happens for a reason. I am reading and typing this with my A.D.D self for a reason! This blog is written for a reason!! You know this…There is purpose in every life. Ronan had purpose, Ronan has purpose. His life is now channeled through you. The purpose is to put a face on this disease, to cure it! To beat the phucking shit out of it!! Take those Hunter boots and Stomp a mud hole in it’s azz! (yes…another southern thing) You know this Maya! You just need to be reminded!
    Another thing- I went around for 2-3 days being pissed about the Susan G Komen and pink everywhere thing… Asking myself Why don’t we recognize Gold like we do pink? Why don’t people talk about kid cancer it like they do breast cancer? Then I thought… I can’t be pissed at Susan G Komen and the breast cancer awareness people and the color pink?? They fought to make people aware of breast cancer. They spent years fighting for it and bringing awareness to it…It was this Susan G Komans purpose. Then I thought… What I can do is remind MAYA THOMPSON that her purpose in life and Ro’s purpose in life is to do exactly what Susan G Komen did for the color pink and breast cancer!! Yes Maya, you have the potential and the stage to be that big! To make that much of a difference!! Don’t be a hater that hates pink! Be a fighter for gold!! Don’t waste any more time or energy or thought on everything pink. Make everything Gold Maya!! Make Everything Gold!! Get up everyday with the PURPOSE to make the world GOLD! Your purpose, Ronans purpose is your strength and it is with you always! Big Hugs!!

  29. Glenda

    RoMama,

    I hope the puking stops soon and you can enjoy the rest of this pregnancy with Poppy!!!

    I’m so happy for you and your trip to NYC! You were so cute “I’ll tell you a secret, why I’m going to NY is because….” Sooo excited for you! You and Rockstar Ro are doing big things!!! Moving mountains!!! Badasses!!! Two spicy monkey’s 😉

    Safe travels!!!
    XO

  30. Jaime

    I saw doctor Jo Ro on the news yesterday talking about the Miss foundation, made me think of you. I love that picture of “wild and free” Ro!! 🙂 anyway hope the new York trip is a good one and hope you get to feeling a little better!! Much love and prayer as always!

  31. Samantha

    Hi Maya – after reading this blog basically from start to finish, falling in love with you, Ronan and your family, crying my eyes out and having my life changed because of the impact of your words and your story, I knew I wanted to help you. I NEED to help you and help all of these kids and families that don’t deserve the incredibly hard and painful lives they were handed. So, I did the first thing that I could think of to help you get closer to your dream. I asked thechive.com for help. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on that site – it’s basically just a lot of picture galleries full of funny things and scantily clad women, which probably doesn’t seem like the place to go to ask for help in changing the world of childhood cancer. But, really, it’s a lot more than just pictures…

    A few month ago a soldier named Taylor Morris had all four of his limbs blown off while he was overseas and miraculously survived and knew he had to KCCO (Keep Calm, Chive On…the famous trademark of thechive). Someone took Taylor’s story to the Chive and within HOURS, I mean, like, less than 8 hours, the “chivers” had come together and raised over $250,000 to help pay for his medical costs and buy him a house. Then, when the tragic Aurora, CO shooting happened, the chivers came together AGAIN and raised around $160,000 (again, in only hours) for a girl named Farrah who suffered traumatic injuries, but told the police officers to save those around her before they carried her out. Her family needed the help to cover the medical expenses that will likely continue for many years to come on her road to recovery. They even have a Chive Charities plan in place after seeing the enormous amount of good they can do through their site.What’s important about thechive isn’t the pictures they put up every day, but the sense of community and humanity when it comes to helping those in need…especially those who need it most, and I think those who need it most are the tiny people who are suffering for no fucking reason and can’t do anything about it.

    Anyway, enough background. I sent thechive offices an email, directing them to this blog and the Ronan Thompson Foundation. I hope they’re able to make a big push for you in the right direction, and it can’t hurt to ask, anyway. I hope you’re okay with that.

    I’m sure you’re feeling incredibly overwhelmed by all the HUGE things happening around (and inside!) of you, but after even the teeniest glimpse into your world, I have no doubt that you can, and will, make it through this. You are a fierce mother, Maya, and I don’t think Poppy wants to occupy Ronan’s space in your heart. I think Ronan wants to show you how much bigger your heart can get… he’s there, in your heart, drawing all of these incredible angels into your life making big things happen to change the world forever. Don’t be scared or worried about how you feel about baby #4 right now. I’m sure once you have that tiny, perfect little human being placed on your chest, you’ll know exactly why Ronan put him/her there.

    Hang in there. Have some pie and enjoy the beautiful AZ fall weather (I’m from there originally and can’t tell you how much I miss Camelback Mountain). Ro is in and around you, everywhere. He’s here, in Chicago, in my heart, and in the hearts of thousands, if not millions of other people everywhere. I can’t bring your baby boy back for you, but I can promise that I will do everything I can to keep his memory alive and help you get your center built. ❤ Thank you for changing my life.

  32. Judy Lennon

    Another thing… Put all the worries away about poppy. Easier said then done I know. But… Everything will come to you. You know how people say they have “Godwinks” well I have no doubt you get “Rowinks” I bet you will be able to see them more clearly when you are in battle mode too! The maternal instinct, the nursery, the decisions to make, all of it. The answers, the solutions, the emotions. All of that will come to you when the time is right. Trust it all with Ronan. His job is to guide you now, your job is to let him. The purpose/task is curing this disease.

  33. brandi ludovico

    I work at Amex and got your foundation added to our yearly go give campaign.. you make me smile, laugh, cry and want to change the world thank you !!!!!!

  34. fizza aziz

    i just read your latest post . and believe me my heart just broke and broke , i can’t even imagine what you are going , i can’t seem to find words , i wish i did but i don’t think iam qualified enough for that , i wish i could find a way . but can’t , i don’t know how , but i do one thing . don’t feel guilty mrs .thompson , it wasn’t your fault , it never was , if ronan was here he wouldn’t let you ever feel the guilt . instead you should be proud of him he was so brave and he fought like a knight , he is your little knight maya , he really is , iam damn proud of ronan and iam sure wherever he is , he is smiling at you too , because you are brave . a brave mum of brave knight . smile because Ronan happened , smile because he is the love of your life , smile beacause he gave a reason for you to live . i hope u do smile maya . because that’s what Ronan wants.

  35. laura

    When I got pregnant with our 2nd I was in the middle of a crazy life situation (my husband suffered TBI) and I wasn’t ready to take it on. I kept wondering (pretty much until the day the baby was born) if I could love this baby as I had my first son…in part because life was no longer light and easy — now it was hard and depressing…the second I saw him – it changed. I fell instantly in love again and it renewed my sense of good a little bit. In no way what I went through is the same as you – I think we all agree – losing a child is by far the worst thing EVER…But I hope and pray that when poppy arrives he/she’s arrival gives you some bright days…for our family it gave us something else to focus on sometimes – which was a blessing. Hugs to you and enjoy the pie…wish I could bring you one!!

  36. Robin Frederick

    Dear Maya, I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and aside from falling in love with your beautiful Ronan, I’ve fallen for you as well. You are so damn brutally honest and open about your grief, your emotions, your uncertainties, your anger, your life. I’ve always described grief as like the tide of an ocean. When we experience the loss of someone we deeply love, the grief is like the waves lapping at our feet as we are standing at the edge of the ocean. Initially, the waves are huge and just knock us so far down on our knees that we feel we can never rise again. After time, the waves come out, then back in, lapping at our feet. But, just as the tide rises, we are unexpectedly hit from time to time by a the force of a huge wave, knocking us down again until we can find the strength to rise up to the surface. The hardest thing is that the grief never leaves because the loss is permanent. Your loss of Ronan is cellular. Your grief is more than emotional and mental, it is physical as well and it will manifest itself in so many different ways over the days, weeks, months, and years of your life. So, please try to take care of yourself. As you know, there is no greater loss than that of a child. I never, ever want to know what you feel. I only know the loss of two sisters, one of which died of breast cancer after an 18 month battle. As you’ve described with Ronan, it ate her. It left nothing behind but a broken Mother and Father and family. But, Maya, one thing that my precious little sister told me a few weeks before she died was this: “If they could just find a reason for why little children get cancer, maybe they could cure all cancers.” Lori, my sister, had no children although she desperately wanted them, but she was child like in her spirit and loved all children, never missing an opportunity to wave at one with a huge smile on her face. She believed in her heart that the answer to finding a cure to cancer was to find out why children get it and once that was discovered, the cure to all cancers could be found. See, Lori was always in and out of the hospital when she was a little girl having digestive issues causing her to throw up often. They never could find a reason why and after Lori was diagnosed with cancer, she said, “I bet the cancer was in me all along.” I don’t know if that’s true or not, but she would say over and over again, “No child should have to go through the things I’ve had to endure as a grown woman.” Maya, my heart was shattered reading what you wrote about keeping things that Ronan went through from others. I was Lori’s primary care taker, her sister, her best friend, her soul mate. My sister went through three breast surgeries, brain surgery, ten accumulative months of varying chemo concotions, radiation to the brain and breast, etc…etc… and it was brutal. Like you said, the treatments took her spirit long before the cancer took her body. I remember breaking down two years after Lori died and telling my older sister that she didn’t see all that Lori went through and that I could never tell anyone the things I experienced with her. I can’t imagine what you and little Ronan experienced, but I know that the anger you feel is real and I’m grateful that you have this blog as an outlet to release your anger in a good way. And, in a way that can help other parents who are suffering with either the loss of their child or the terminal illness of one. Perhaps you don’t even realize that you are doing more than just raising awareness of childhood cancer in Ronan’s memory, but you are also a voice for parents of children with cancer and in your blog are helping them to better understand all that they are feeling. No Mother, no parent, wants to experience your kind of grief, but sadly they do and sometimes, in some ways, it helps to know that somebody else understands their raw, fucked up horror. What you are doing for your Ronan is a testament to the extraordinary bond you shared with him and gives evidence that nothing, not even death, can separate you from the love you and Ronan share. I hope your trip to New York is more than you hope for and fuels your fire even more. Safe journey and take good care of yourself and Poppy. Ronan would want that for both of you.

  37. AnitaN

    Maya, My heart breaks for you and your family. I heard Taylor swifts song and instantly began looking up Ronan. I have read your entire blog in a week and feel connected you you. I have been trying to spread awareness here in my little home town in Canada. I have shown countless people your blog and have talked about you to anyone who will listen. I wish I could do more to help. You are an inspiration and you are going to do amazing things in the name of cancer. So all i can say now is FUCK YOU CANCER!

  38. Danielle

    I remember the post where you and your hubby went shopping, as you were looking this little girl was playing in the racks…you were watching her smiling as Ronan used to do that…then her mother called her name. THE name. Ronan was showing you even then. =)

  39. Britta White

    I have been reading your blog for months and there are no words that can describe my feelings.I too have buried a son and have gone on to have another. Being pregnant again was avery difficult place to be. I am sorry for everything you are going through. Today your photo of your beautiful Ro made me laugh so hard! What a magical soul and what an amazing mother you are to your children. I am in awe!

  40. Nickee

    That picture of Ro is awesome. I hope you feel better soon. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Big love to you mama Maya.

    -Nickee

  41. Jessica

    And remember how u said when Ronan was born u knew he’d change the world? This babe will too, but in a good way. I know it.

  42. Brandi Addison

    I had never heard your story until the Taylor Swift song. I have it on repeat on my iPod, I love it. I am so sorry for the loss your family has had to endure and think of you everyday.

  43. m

    Dear Maya, I loved your last blog about the truth in cancer.I don’t thing it was harsh at all. I used to work as an RN for oncol.department, and I honestly thing that the real truth about cancer and the treatment itself are undescribably harsh, sometime you don’t know what is worse, but there are no words for it , people have no idea until they live it through. It is a living hell, that takes all from you. Life,Dignity, Everything that you love to the last drop until you dissapear . Unfortunately people don’t like to see or hear about it,unless it is covered up with smily,bald headed kids, talked about it in medical phrases. I ‘ve been reading your blog just recently, noticed the picture of your beautiful boy on our local web in Ut,and couln’t not click on it, …those eyes.., thank you for sharing it with us, I can’t tell you how sorry I am, for what happened to him.

  44. Kara

    I read your blog everyday and check it @ night
    If I’m awake feeding my little man.
    You truly are amazing in a that you’ve done and will do!!
    I’ve mentioned before that the world I work in is surrounded by cancer. And you are an inspiration!! You and Ronan will change childhood cancer!! No doubt.
    I’m sure you are totally booked when you come to NYC but I would love to get to meet you. I feel like I know you already!! From the blog!!
    Xo
    Kara

  45. thecookiegal

    I had a hard time being “happy” when I was pregnant, as I was still griveing the loss of my Alexander. Julia’s due date was right near his birthday – she came early, exactly one week before HIS birthday. You could say I was filled with emotions!!!!
    We did decide to use Alexander’s room for the new baby. (I couldn’t deal with moving furniture!) I have his picture in her room, as well as a bumper stick that says “I am an Angels Sister) http://angel-images.biz/?page_id=731

    Hope that today was a GOOD day for you.

    Nancy
    mom to Angel Alexander the Great

  46. Kenzie Wheeler

    You and Ro inspire me and always will Maya! You are so amazing just like Ronan! I love Ro’s story! You are beautiful just like Ronan!

  47. Beckhy

    Maya, thank you for being so honest with everything you’re feeling. I lost my father many, many years ago, and everyone tried to pretend they were fine when they were really dieing inside. It helped absolutely no one. I felt like I was alone in my grief when really, everyone had these feelings. Why don’t we talk about these things? Even if they’re dark and scary and honest?

    I, like maybe many other people here, learned about you through the Taylor Swift song, and just had to know “who is this beautiful little boy?”. I’ve read your blog ever since, and my heart breaks for you. I want you to know that you’ve been such an inspiration to me. I think about you and Ronan every day since I first read your blog, and I’ve told every friend I have about his story. I’ve told them that they *have* to read this blog. That it changed my life. That the amount of love you express through you’re writing is palpable.

    I work in administration at a cancer hospital in Canada. After I read your blog, I realized that how LITTLE scientists/doctors actually focus on childhood cancers. With *billions* of dollars spent. This is ridiculous. I will help you in any way I can. No one will forget about Ronan ❤

  48. Des Jordan

    Maya – I’m so pissed at cancer!! But so smiled when seeing that awesome picture of Ronan on the quad… The other day, I was telling a friend about how effed up cancer is and she said “don’t you think we need to find a way to PREVENT cancer more than focusing on CURING cancer? cancer rates are sky-high nowadays, what is happening???” and after she said that, it got me pissed off all over again. All the crap in the stuff we eat, daily things we use in our homes, apparently EVERY thing we touch or eat these days has something bad in it. Is THIS causing cancer???! I want a CURE, don’t get me wrong – but this was food for thought, as I hadn’t even considered being pissed at the FDA (and whoever!) for allowing all the crap we put into our bodies, and our babies bodies! It’s so sad and sickening… But I know Ronan has a Master Yoga plan with ALL of this, and he’ll lead the way!! And Maya’s Mafia is going to be there in full force to make it happen right along with you.

    PS. Poppy is totally a GIRL!! Girls love sweets!! 😉

  49. racheybabez07

    That picture is adorable. Why is this world so unfair? I dream of a world where cancer does not exist. Where it can be prevented so easily. I just hope this happens one day I really do.

  50. Sandy

    That is the cutest picture! I love spontaneous moments like this.. which come so often with kids.. if you care enough to stop and notice.. I honestly hug my kids a little tigher because of you..

  51. Holly Parkman

    I heard taylor swifts song on a rerun of the stand up to cancer and had to know who the adorable boy in that picture at the end was. I since then have spent hours reading your life story on this blog. I am so happy that you still have so much support, I’ve lost loved ones, but have no idea what you could of gone through. He was a special boy… this new baby will be too. You are in my prayers, as well as all the others who are affected by such a terrible disease. Thank you for your courage and your blog and for raising such a strong boy. I hope you all the best and hope you and ronan can continue to do great things.

  52. April

    My husband and I decided to have a baby after we lost our eight year old son. Our daughter has her big brothers first name, Reece, as her middle name. We did rearrange rooms. Our younger son wanted his big brothers room so we let him have it. He picked some of his brothers things to keep in the room and we placed some things throughout the house. Other things we put in totes so we could pull it out anytime we want. Our daughter then got our younger sons room. It was very difficult to change his room but I think it was also healing for us. I wish you the best and know whatever choice you make will be a good one 🙂

  53. Pamela Uribe

    I’m so sorry to read this, feel your loss, and pain and immense sadness. Please know that your little boy IS safe….and you WILL see him again. And I am very happy about the new baby….boy or girl, it WILL be a blessing. I hope that your PAIN subsides enough to allow you happiness….please allow that, for you and the rest of your family. And for Ronan’s memory. Bless you and FUCK CANCER.

  54. Isabelle

    When I look at pictures of Ro having fun, naked, giggling, my first thought is terrible, and it’s ALWAYS my first thought. ‘It is IMPOSSIBLE that that child is DEAD. He’s so full of life. He cannot be dead.’ Every night I fall asleep with Ro in my thoughts; he’s my hero, and always will be. If I ever cry now, and people ask me why, I want to say, “BECAUSE RONAN IS DEAD AND MAYA HAS TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM, THAT’S WHY!!!!” I am going to help however I can to fight this fucktard disease, Childhood Fucking Cancer. FUCANCER!!!!!

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