That beautiful day your sister was born

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Ronan. I know I’m supposed to sleep when your Poppy sister sleeps, but even early in these morning hours, I just can’t seem to do so. It doesn’t matter the lack of sleep I’m getting due to breast-feeding her, holding her, or obsessively watching her sleep because I’m scared she’s just going to up and stop breathing. I think at this point I’m just running off adrenalin and that’s o.k. Sleep stopped being my friend a long time ago.

So, do you want to hear the story about the day your sister was born? I know you already know it, but I’ll recap it for those who don’t. The last few weeks of my pregnancy I was miserable. Miserable in a way that I found myself begging day after day for your sister to finally get here. You know I’m not a good pregnant person at all and those last few weeks, I was beyond done both mentally and physically. Dr. Schwartz was well aware of this too which is why I got her to agree to strip my membranes to try to jump start my labor the same way she did with me for you. I went into her office on a Tuesday and she did this for me to try to get things rolling. It didn’t work. I went back to her on Thursday and once again she stripped away and I left her office hoping that your baby sister would make her entrance into the world soon; just like the way you did after I had this done. I ended up going to the hospital due to having some bleeding and pretty bad contractions had started up as well. I thought it was going to be go time, but as the night went on, the contractions stopped. I had to stay the night at the hospital so they could monitor me, but I was released the very next day. As you can imagine, I was out of my mind upset. I may be a patient person about most things in life, but the end of a pregnancy is not one of them. I also had myself convinced that Poppy was for sure going to be born dead or was never going to come out at all because clearly I had made her up in my deranged head. Once home I pretty much stayed in bed the entire weekend, not wanting to talk to or see anyone. If there was ever a time that I was “depressed,” in my life, you could say the last few week of pregnancy were it for me.

On Sunday night around 10 p.m. just as your daddy came to bed to go to sleep, I was huffing and puffing about how miserable I was and how I hated the world so I got up to do my late night laundry that I have become accustomed to. Just as I was cursing the pregnancy gods from above, I noticed a little drip, drip, drip running down my legs. I walked down the hallway and the puddle continued to slowly trickle out of me. I went in to our bedroom and said to your daddy, “I think my water just broke.” He jumped out of bed all panicked and told me to grab my stuff so we could rush to the hospital. I told him, “No way. I have to shower first. This could take forever and I’m not bringing Poppy into this world until I shower and shave my legs.” I calmly got showered, dressed, and off to the hospital we went. We were admitted right away and Dr. Schwartz was called. She ordered the hospital to start pitocin for me to get things to progress and little faster as I was still only about 4 cm dilated. By this time it was about midnight and I geared up for the night while your daddy quietly slept away on the couch. My contractions started to get pretty bad and the epidural could not have come soon enough. I could not get a hold of Dr. JoRo who was back up in Sedona as she had been with me in the hospital all of Thursday night but went home after I was released. My doula, your daddy, was just not cutting it as I screamed at him about the pain/having to feed myself ice chips because he was so tired that he could not stay up. Luckily, I had a really great nurse who helped me through everything while your daddy got his beauty sleep to prepare for the big day. Apparently labor is hard work when you are a dude 😉 I was really proud of the self control I contained as it took everything I had not to throw ice chips at your Daddy’s head while he slept away and I sat there cursing away from the pain of the contractions that were getting stronger and closer together.

It was around 5:15 a.m. that I started to push your sister out. I had your blanket on my chest and did my best to remain calm as I said your name over and over in my head. 3 pushes was all it took and your baby sister was plopped in my arms immediately. I was overcome with so many emotions that is was almost as if I couldn’t feel a thing. I just remember staring at her and whispering, “Thank you, Ronan,” in her little ear. She looked up at me with her big wide eyes that I can tell are already full of so much wisdom. Your sister was born at 5:35 a.m., 6 lbs 11 oz, tons of dark hair and oh so perfect in every way. She had one little cry as she entered this world but that is pretty much the only peep she has made. I’ve never seen a more calm or peaceful baby in my life. I spent the next few hours staring at her and in disbelief of how much she looks like you. Your daddy and I cannot get over it. I think I went 48 hours without any sleep at all. My adrenaline was through the roof all I could seem to do was stare at your little sister as I slowly let myself fall in love with her. I needed some time to process everything and needed some time to bond with this new baby girl as you know how bittersweet this is for all of us.

Dr. JoRo arrived at the hospital around 10 a.m. and stayed for much of the day. She left once your brothers arrived to let us have some private time together as a family. It hurt to see your brothers walk through that door without you but it was also such a beautiful moment, too. They were so excited and proud to meet their new baby sister. I think they were also both relieved to see that she was finally here, safe and sound. We kept visitors to a minimum just the way I said we would. I needed everything to be calm and quiet not only for me, but for Poppy as well. As the day went on, I sat and watched out our window as an unexpected rain storm took over the entire valley. It was one that was not predicted but rather it came out of nowhere. I know you are always with me, Ro but this storm on the day your Poppy sister was born just proves it to me even more. It was such an amazing thing to witness like it was our own little secret. You are such a little spicy monkey boy and I spent much of the day smiling as I watched the rain pour down out of nowhere.

Our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came by both days that I was at the hospital. The first day he just popped in to take a peek at his new goddaughter and the second day he came for a little longer to sit with me and check in with me to see how I was doing/handling all of this. He told me how I was such a natural at being a mom. I smiled and told him I knew, that this was the easy part for me. I told him how proud you would be to have him as the godfather of your baby sister and how I knew that you would have picked him and only him for this as he is the only one special enough to do so. He will be the best at watching over your baby sister for me just like the way he helped to watch over you whenever he could do so. I know you would be so happy about this. I am so honored to have him play this role in your sister’s life. It makes all of this that much more special.

We were released from the hospital 24 hours later and it took us this long to decide on your sister’s name. We had originally planned on naming her Ireland Ronan, which I am still so in love with but for some reason, it just didn’t feel right anymore. Your daddy and I went back and fourth about her name, forever. I just could not part with Poppy. I didn’t want it to be a nickname or an afterthought. It had come to mean too much to me to just let it go. Your daddy threw in a few curveballs and suggested some names like Sophia and Alexandria, both of which I love, but this baby has been Poppy since she was 5 weeks in the womb. Nothing else felt right. Your daddy and I sealed the deal with Poppy Ronan with a kiss on the lips and a smile in our hearts. I know her name would be Ronan approved. I think you would have loved it so very much. It makes me smile and it makes me happy. Poppy Ronan Thompson sounds like the sweetest thing ever and it just seems to fit her little face.

We have been home now and are all doing just fine. I didn’t spiral into that postpartum depression like everybody was freaking out about and worrying that I would. I have been a little quiet and have not seen too many people but that is not due to depression. It’s just due to the four of us trying to enjoy our quiet time with your sister and soak this all in. I’ve been staying at home with her and just trying to let myself bond with her the way that I need to. I wondered how this was all going to feel… having a new little life around to take care of. I wondered if that hole in my heart would disappear due to your Poppy sister being born. I have come to find out this is not the case and will never be the case. I feel like my heart has grown and gotten bigger, but the hole there will always remain. Nobody can fill it as it’s not meant to be filled. It is there to remind me every single day of how much I love you, how much I will always love you, and how much this will forever hurt as your absence in this world is the most painful thing that I have ever felt. This hole in my heart will remain there for the rest of my life. The birth of your sister has proven this. If she can’t fix this, it was not meant to be fixed no matter how much love I feel in this life without you here. I will live with this hole in my heart for the rest of my life and I can be o.k. with this. I am learning to be o.k. living like this. It makes me stronger and makes me work harder at everything I do. I will let my pain do great things in this life to make you proud.

Alright my little man. I am going to go. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautiful sister. Thank you for getting her here safe and sound. I promise to be the best mama in the world to her and teach her all about you. I can’t wait to learn from her the things I know you have already taught her. You are the best big brother in the world. We all love and miss you so much. I’m so sorry that you are not here with us. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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Sometimes even I need a reality check

Ronan. I woke up yesterday morning with a Halloween grief hangover. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I was determined to not stay in bed all day, like every aching bone in my body was begging me to do. I had to talk myself out of doing this and it took a lot but I wasn’t about to give into my grief and let it chain me to my bed all day long. I got ready for the day instead and headed over to my office. Thank god for that place. It is helping me so much. I pounded out a few things that I needed to get done. I had an interview at 1:00 that I so did not feel up for, but the person interviewing me was coming to my office so I told myself just to stick it out and I would go home and crawl into bed, after it was over. Little did I know, that this 22-year-old kid was about to make my day.

I never know what to expect when doing these interviews. They can be emotionally draining most of the time and quite honestly, I don’t love doing them. I would rather just hide behind my computer all day wearing my spirit hood, glasses and pajamas. But I also know that I am very lucky to have the opportunity to get your story out there in a way that will raise awareness for childhood cancer. I know this comes with the territory and is a part of me being an advocate for you and all of these other kids who have been dealt this shitty hand in life. They don’t have a voice. I do. I will use it and scream for you and them as loudly as I can. I will use this platform to do great things and hopefully help change this devastating world. As soon as Tyler walked into the room, I knew I was going to love him. He was so nervous and I could totally tell. He sat down and told me a little about himself and why this story struck such a nerve with him. He had me at hello and the fact that he was wearing a skull shirt, made my day. “Tyler! You have on a skull shirt, I have on a skull necklace! You could be my 22-year-old soul mate!” I tried to put him at ease as much as I could. He had his notebook full of questions and it was so refreshing to see that he had really done his research on my blog and all things you. That made me like him right away and automatically made me respect him right from the get go. It was so refreshing to see he was serious about us, our story, and helping to get our message out there. Our interview went on for about 2 hours. We had a good little thing going back and forth. I was so impressed by him at one point I thought, “I hope Liam and Quinn turn out to be like this kid. His parents must be so proud of who he is and all he stands for.” I told him being interviewed by him was one of the greatest interviews I’ve done yet and I truly meant it. I know he is going to do a great job on our story and I can’t wait to see what he does with it. He left me by saying, “Please don’t go home and throw up because this was so hard.” I told him that in no way did I feel sick and the interview was actually really great. I gave him a big hug and told him thank you. I felt like I had just spent the afternoon with my little brother. It was a great afternoon for once and I left feeling totally inspired by the youth of today. Mark my words, that young soul will help change this world in one way or another.

I left shortly after Tyler left. I ran home to do some things. There was a support group going on at the MISS foundation and Dr. JoRo was leading it. As much as I hate support groups, because to me they are so painfully hard, I dragged my butt down there to attend. I’ve only been to one before and it was so awful that I refused to go back. I sucked it up last night for a couple of different reasons and I have desperately been missing Dr. Jo, so I knew that seeing her would be great. My favorite mom’s were there. The mom’s of a baby boy named Noah. I was so happy to see them and was able to spend some time with them. I adore everything about those two except for the fact that they have a dead child, just like me. I got settled into group and we all went around and told a little bit about ourselves and our kids. I felt vulnerable, sad, and scared sitting in that group. I know everyone in the room is there for the same reason so it should feel safe to me, but to me it just feels like the saddest place on earth. Every single person in that room, has a dead child. It is always a wake up call to me, as if I need anymore wake up calls in life. But it honesty is like a slap in the face. I sat and listened to the horrific stories of everyone else. The drowning, the car accidents, the ecstasy story, the stillbirths, the mental illness, the sudden death at school, etc….. Newsflash! Cancer is not the only way kids die. I know this. It made me want to run home and lock Liam and Quinn up forever and beg them to never touch a drug in their life, not drive a car, or leave the house. You think you are immune to your kids dying? You think you are too perfect of a family, for this to happen to? You are not. Nobody is. I think the sooner we as a world start to realize this, maybe we will take less things for granted. Maybe we will enjoy every single split second with our kids because nobody can say when our time is up. Maybe parents will start understanding that being a parent is a privilege, not a right. No matter how much money you have or how protected you think you are. Sitting in that room last night is the most humbling place in the world. Even I myself, need a reality check once in a while to be reminded that I am not the only one hurting this badly. That is why the MISS Foundation is such an important place in the world. Without it I can guarantee you about half of the parents in that room tonight, would have ended their lives. I know I would have. Dr. Jo is part of the reason that I am still here. If you don’t know about the MISS Foundation, please check it out. They have such little funding and need it so badly. It is such a safe haven for all of us parents going through the worst thing possible and Dr. Jo is my absolute idol in life. She is one of the rarest most beautiful souls that I have ever known. http://www.missfoundation.org/

After group ended, Dr. Jo came up to check on me. She knew I was a wreck. She looked at me and said, “How was that for you?” I said, “So Poppy is going to be born dead, right?” I was so shaken up by the still birthing stories. She just looked at me with that wise motherly look in her eyes. “I knew you were going to say that. I know that was hard for you to listen to. Poppy is going to be fine. She has Ronan looking out for her.” I keep telling myself I have to trust in that. I know that Ro. I tell myself that about 100 times a day. I left group beat and exhausted. I came home and crashed out until early morning. I woke up, showered and went to wake up your brothers. Liam was burning up. I put him in a luke warm shower and told Quinn to get ready for school. I had a lot to do today, but canceled it so I could stay home and take care of Liam. He was so sweet and so thankful for everything. I ended up taking him to the doctor to rule out strep because that has been going around. His strep test came back negative and his fever is almost gone. He does look miserable though, so he spent the day resting while I spent the day being domestic around the house. I hate being at home doing all the same things I used to do. Today, I forced myself to cook all day long so Quinn would have a nice meal to come home to after school. Cooking used to be our thing and now it’s just so hard for me to cook without you. Doing anything around the house is hard for me now. I don’t have your clothes to wash, your breakfast to cook, your dishes to do. Not having all of those things to do for you makes doing them sting so badly. Today, I took the day, set myself aside and did things that I knew your brothers would be thankful for. I was right. Quinn must have told me about 10 times tonight, “Thanks for the homemade soup, Mom. It was really good.” This broke my heart in a million pieces. It made me realize that I need to work a little harder around here doing the things I used to do, every single night, such as cooking really great homemade meals. I think the every night thing might be pushing it, but a few nights a week, can be a start. You know why cooking is the most hard for me? It’s because dinner time, with a homemade cooked meal means we have to sit around the dinner table without you. I don’t think that will ever become an easy thing. I often find myself getting anxious and sick to my stomach. Quinn sits in your chair now. I’m just glad someone is sitting there, I guess. He is a good little seat filler.

Your brothers have their last basketball game of the league tomorrow. I hope Liam is feeling well enough to play in it. I’ve made him rest all day and I fed him a good dinner tonight. Hopefully, I can get him to go to bed early to get the rest that he needs. I’m tired too. An early bedtime sounds like a good idea for both of us. G’nite Ro baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Grief, Pregnancy and Pies

 

Ronan. I think I told you that I tried to “prep,” with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. I am a natural born mother. I am a good mother. The fact that I still don’t really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. I know we talked about it, but I don’t remember all the things you told me. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. I don’t remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. I can’t even begin to think about a nursery. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. I’m not sure what we will do. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I told your daddy he needs to build a new room for this baby because it’s not having yours. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. I won’t do it.

I am still pretty sick. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. What in the hell is that all about? That’s all I want to eat. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie… yes please. Any type of meat makes me throw up. Any type of cooking smell, makes my stomach turn. I’ve been living off of pie. So weird, but I’ll take it. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Bring on the pies now. I’ll enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. I was going through some emails. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. This led to him calling my phone. We had a little debate that  I took a stance on and refused to back down. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. This is one of the things that I love most about him. The way he makes me exam everything that comes my way, with a magnifying glass. This led to me bawling on the phone. “You didn’t see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. I won’t tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. I know how much your heart is broken. Why would I want to break it anymore? Yes, it was barbaric. Yes, it is wrong. These are kids. They deserve more compassionate treatments. I lived in this world. I saw things that you don’t even know about. Someday, I will tell you.” I sobbed into the phone. “Darling. It’s o.k. You are right. You are so right. You don’t have anything to prove to me, o.k. He deserved better. You know you have my utmost respect, always. Come on, settle down. When do you leave for New York? Tell me about your trip.” I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. We talked about New York for a bit. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. What a fucking joke.

I have tried to be as productive as possible. I had a long board meeting last night. As always, it was good. I love our little unconventional board. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. That means everything to me. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Let the strategizing, begin…

Sooooooo… New York!!! I leave soon. I have some serious business to attend to! I’m so excited. Stacy is coming with me. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids’ Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. All fueled by everything Ronan. My favorite kind of trip. The only one’s I feel comfortable taking. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit… I know great things will come from this trip.

A lot of you little blog readers have asked why I am calling this baby Poppy for now. It’s because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. It won’t be the real name for the baby. We have had those picked out for a long time. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. We think we have our boy name too. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. That is important to our family. We have all agreed on that. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Your questions are sweet. I love reading all of your comments. Thanks for writing them.

I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I miss you so much. I watched your daddy come home from work today. I was laying in bed.(still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. Watching him do this, I felt like I was sucker punched. His keys, our son, on our dresser. It is just all so wrong. You should not be sitting there. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I’m sorry for everything. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

All good things are wild and free, right Ro???

Wake up, throw up, go back to bed.

 

 

 

 

Ronan. I am not used to living a life where I am physically chained to my bed. That’s how it’s been this past week. I cannot seem to function. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. I’m used to being the energizer bunny. Go, go, go. Get this done. On to the next. No sleep needed. No eating required. Crazy workouts. Although my routine seemed crazy to most, I felt like I thrived in it. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I wake up exhausted. Throw up. Get a few more things done. Lay down again. It’s fucking depressing, to say the least. Your daddy keeps telling me that I’m wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. I don’t do well with things that slow me down. I miss my workouts. I miss being on the go 24/7. But most of all, I miss you. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I went to see Dr. JoRo. We talked about a lot of stuff. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. I left her office, feeling tired and sad.

I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I’m telling you, it’s all I can seem to do lately. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. “Is this normal? I don’t think this is normal. Do you think I’m dying? I think I’m dying.” He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. I listened to him like I always do. He always knows best. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. I’ve spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Now I feel like I am in prison. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldn’t ruin it. You have no idea how glad I am you didn’t listen to me on that one. It’s one of my only drawings I have of yours. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. I don’t remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. I know this is what you would want. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. I don’t think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I can’t take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. There is no better place, then here with me. NOWHERE. I will never be o.k. with you being somewhere else. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. Not the other way around. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. I should to have been the one watching you die at only almost 4 years old. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I won’t fail you or let you down. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. A mother doesn’t survive something like this. I didn’t survive this. I died when you died. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now… by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. It’s not my choice, it’s yours. I choose to live to honor you and everything you stood for which was strength, courage, and fearlessness. I live on, for you because I love you so much. Everything I do is for you.

I came home yesterday to the sweetest thing on our porch. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. What amazing little girls. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. If that wasn’t enough to make me cry, the next thing was. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Then the next letter, from a mom, who’s husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. My cheeks were soaked with tears after being hit with those 3 things. Thank you, sweet strangers. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. I am going to build something amazing with it. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. This will be your legacy, Ronan. This will be how you live on and help others. This is my purpose.

Your daddy went out last night. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. They kept coming in to check on me. I was out cold. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. “Goodnight, mommy. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan.” Quinn said. Liam chimed in, too. “Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro.” I managed to say. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. I am awake now. It’s early in the day… around 5 a.m. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll.

xoxo

 

A Runaway Death in a Mental Institution with a Maybe Baby

Ronan. I know what I’ve been doing. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. It’s how I have to be. When I need the quiet and the stillness, it’s to the inferno I go. That’s my time to be in tune with myself and you. It’s where I feel the closest to you. I might have to be taking a break from that Inferno for a while.

I know everyone has been worried since I have not been writing. I hope they are not worrying too much. Do they wonder if I ran away? To New York City like I often dream about. Or maybe I finally cracked and checked myself in a mental institution where I sometimes think I belong. Or maybe I died like I have wished for a thousand times. Is it another maybe baby? That would have thrown me right over the edge.

Ronan do you remember how we would talk about a baby and how badly you wanted one? We would talk about baby names and how you were going to make the best big brother and as soon as you got better, we talked about how we would have another baby. Your daddy brought it up with me a lot and I always just put him off by saying, “We can talk about it when Ronan gets better.” It was only really with you, that I would talk about another baby. Things with you got worse and worse and of course the baby thing was totally off my radar because all I cared about was you getting better. I still don’t know how you didn’t, how you died, and how you are no longer here with us. All of still feels like it’s not real, at times. I still sometimes wait for you to come running through the door, but you never come. The whole baby thing was whispered about here and there, and then I had that whole maybe baby thing in my head which turned out to be just that…. a baby that I thought I was having. I was crushed when I found out it wasn’t real. I made a decision at that point to never again, put that much pressure on myself about getting pregnant or maybe being pregnant. I couldn’t have the build up again only to be let down. It mentally broke me when I thought I was not capable of being broken down anymore. I had people bring it up a lot. “Do you think you’ll try for a baby?” My response was always, “If it happens, it happens.” Non chalet. Calm. Relaxed about it. I had secretly told myself in my head that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because of course, I don’t deserve to feel anything but pure torture, sadness and pain for the rest of my life.

I’m pregnant. Did I just write that? Yeah. I just wrote that, which is why I haven’t been writing to you on here at all. You know I can’t write when I can’t talk about what’s really going on. I’m not good at not being able to blab about things. It all came out of nowhere really. I was a Victoria’s Secret, getting a new bra. I’d better get measured I thought to myself. I have been a 34 C since I was 18. The girl helping me got out her little measuring tape and wrapped it around me. I told her I have always been a 34 C. She goes, “You are actually a 36 D.” What? I thought to myself. What the HELL? I do NOT want to be a 36 D! I left there with my new bra and a could it be a maybe baby floating through my head. I pushed that aside and went on with my day as it was Friday and we were having your Olivia over to hang out with us. That night I thought to myself, “Weird… my period is supposed to be in the next day or two, and I don’t feel like I’m getting it.” I whipped out a pregnancy test and peed on the stick thinking it was nothing, that sometimes my period just doesn’t come anymore due to my stress/lack of appetite/exercise regimen.  So, I peed and waited. I left the room for a few minutes. I came back and looked at my test. Two lines. What??? This can’t be. I went to show your daddy. He was skeptical. O.k. I’ll test again, tomorrow. I did. And the day after that too. I got 4 positive tests and no period. I spent the weekend sleeping, a lot and letting my mind absorb the news. I’ve been so tired, that I can hardly make it through the day, without a nap. That never happens. My body is working overtime I guess. I went to the doctor on Monday, just to confirm everything. I took a urine test there too, and I waited in the little room, for the results. The nurse practitioner came in to see me. “How have you been feeling,” she asked. I told her, “Just really, really tired.”  She then goes, “So you got a positive test result at home?” I said, “I got 4 positive test results at home.” I waited for her to say something while I had a few seconds of thinking to myself, “Uh-oh. Am I back in crazy land and this is all in my head?” She looked up at me, smiled, and goes, “That’s what we got, too.” We went over a few things like how important it is for me to rest. She told me a solid 8-10 hours a sleep a night with a nap everyday. She told me how important it is for me to be eating a lot of protein. I made another appointment to see her along with my OBGYN on September 4th for an ultrasound. I got up and walked out of the room. She said to me, “Congratulations, you’re about to add to your family!” I just looked back at her and gave her a small smile. I really just wanted to say, “Well, what about Ronan? Why can’t he be here for this, too?” I got in my car and drove off not sure where I was going.

My phone rang, like it always does, when it’s supposed to.

“Hello.” me, crying.

“What’s wrong?” said the voice on the other end.

“Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Everything is fine.” I didn’t want to tell your Sparkly this news over the phone but that’s just what happened because I couldn’t explain my crying any other way.

“I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know why Ronan had to die and now I’m pregnant and he can’t be here to share this with us.”

“Oh my goodness, darling! This is great news! I am so happy for you, this is going to be wonderful for you. You are such a wonderful mom, you deserve to have a little sunshine in your life.” He went on and on about that’s enough with the inferno hiking, how it’s time to take care of myself, and how he I just needed to rest and listen to my body. “I know this is hard for you and I know how badly you miss Ronan. I miss him so much too. I know how worried, scared, happy, sad and confused you are. I understand all of this. You know I do. But I promise you, this baby is going to be so good for you.”

I could literally hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I let that make me happy. It’s not often I get to make your Sparkly smile because of good news. The funny thing is, he knew I was pregnant, before I did. Last week, he looked at me and said, “Are you pregnant?” I just laughed at him and said, “No, Sparkly. I’m not pregnant. And what if I can’t get pregnant? What if I’m too old now?” He looked at me and said, “Nonsense. You are only 34. You still have plenty of time.” I said, “I hope you’re right.” And of course, he was, just like he always is. That bloody soul knows me better than I know myself.

I called a few people after I found out the news. Your Nana. Dr. JoRo. Macy. I sobbed in the phone to Macy and listened as she cried with me. She told me how she knew how I was so torn about this, but how good it was going to be. How she knows that the timing of this is just perfect because she has literally watched me come back to life. I know she was so scared for me last summer. I think everyone was. She told me how proud she is of the way I am engaging with your brothers and your daddy again. How this will be so good and healing for all of us. Her talk made me feel a little better. I’ve let this all sink in, very slowly. I have to take the time to process things in a way that I never have had to, before.

I wonder a lot about if this is part of your plan. I already wonder if this baby will look like you. It will be a part of you which means this baby will be nothing short of amazing. I will let myself feel happy and excited when the time is right. As of now, I just want to absorb all of this in a delicate way by being true to what it is, I am feeling. Right now it’s a mix of emotions, and there is a sadness/happiness combined. I am trying to be true to both of those things. I am trying to be true, to all of this, for you.

I’m tired little bug. I would give anything for you to be here, with all of us. I’m so sorry you are not. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

I would like to go back to reality… never.

Ronan. I am always nervous when going to places that I have been with you before and having to return to them, once again without you. I was nervous to come here, as I never know how I’ll actually do. I have only the best memories of being here with you as your Nana and Papa’s was one of your favorite places to go. We didn’t come here last summer. I thought it would have been too painful. I think anything last year, was too painful. Coming out here, this summer with your brothers was the right thing to do. They have spent the past few weeks, in utter bliss. I have not seen them so happy, since before you were sick. It has been a little healing to my heart. How could it not be? I want your brothers to be happy. I needed to see them this way, for my own healing as well. I may never be happy again, Ronan. I can be o.k. with that, as long as your brothers are happy. I can live my happiness through them.

This place, will always be home to me. It will always be my favorite place. It is good for my heart, mind, body and soul. It has been a good trip, even under our harsh circumstances. You know what I got while I was here, Ronan? Nothing but pure love. What do you mean, I can walk around and not be judged for what it is I think, feel, say or act? Where are all the people, glaring at me with their hash, cold pretend eyes? Where are all the whispers?They don’t exist here. I get smiles. I get we are proud of you. I get you are doing a good job. I get your name brought up, everywhere. You are not swept under the rug. You are not forgotten because life just goes on. You are not in a better place. You were not part of a bigger plan. This did not happen for a reason. There is no reason for this and everybody here, knows that. Here, it is simple. It’s unconditional love, trust, support and no judgements. The only way a bereaved parent, should be treated. I am thankful to my family for trusting in me that I would find my way, and emerge from my hole, when I was ready. I am sure that hole will always exist for me, Ronan. But not once have I wanted to crawl in it here. I have spent the past few weeks soaking up your Nana, Papa, your brothers and Bri Bri. It has been just the time that I needed to unplug from the world and just be. Everyone misses you so much, but nobody is afraid to talk about you. Everyone is so worried about me, but nobody is afraid to talk about that, either.

I saw my dad today. I took your brothers over to see him for a bit. It was a quick visit. I don’t talk to him much, because I honestly don’t talk to very many people much anymore. He told me I looked better than he expected. He told me how worried he is about me. He looked so sad. I told him I would be alright. I talked to him about Dr. Jo for a while and how she has really been the one to help me through this. I told him about our very nontraditional therapy like relationship. About how I spend a lot of time up in Sedona with her and we do things like barefoot hike instead of sitting in some stuffy office, talking about stuffy things that most fancy doctors with their PH.D’s talk about. About how her therapy isn’t just an office where you are talked about, then forgotten. How I go there and how you are so loved by her because her heart is that big. I watched my dad, watching me as I talked about Dr. Jo. He looked down at me and said, “I am so glad you found her. She sounds amazing and now I am so less worried about you. Please give her a hug for me and tell her thank you, for saving my daughter.” I just smiled at him and said I would. See, Ronan. That right there is what I am talking about. How it does not matter how I am finding my way, because the people that truly care about me most and truly love me for me, don’t care how it’s done. They are just so thankful for the help and that I am finding my way, the way I need to find it. Because they are intelligent and open-minded enough to know that the only way I am going to find my way, is my way. Not anybody else’s.

Today, was your Nana’s birthday. I was sad most of the day because any type of birthday is sad for me now. They all feel empty without you. And I know what we all were wishing for and that was for you to be back here, with us. I did my best. I played with your brothers most of the day. I watched them follow your Papa around like two little ducks. I wanted my 3rd little duck to be following behind him, too. I looked for you, everywhere. I wondered if you were watching us. I wonder that a lot. It doesn’t give me peace, it just makes me sad because I know how badly you want to be with us. It is so wrong that we are separated. I have such a hard time in life without you here with me and some days, I just don’t know what to do. It’s days like today, that I force myself to continue moving forward, even though everything hurts so bad. I haven’t really had any breakdowns since being here. I know I am due for one, soon. I’m positively sure it’s waiting for me back in Arizona. We have one more day left here. Leaving is going to be hard. Your brothers are not ready to go at all. I am dreading having to take them away from your Papa and Nana. I think it’s going to be hard on everybody. Reality awaits us and there is no escaping that. It was nice to take a little break from it here though, and I am so thankful for the time with your Nana and Papa. Watching your brothers with them is one of my favorite things in life. It always has been. The bond that your brothers have with your Papa Jim is so very special. You loved him so much, too. I’m sorry, Ronan. For the fucking bullshit of a hand we were all dealt in this life. It rips me to pieces, every single day.

It’s late. I need to try to get some sleep. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Lipgloss Living isn’t easy when your heart is broken

Ronan. I died long before you died. I died on the day you were diagnosed with cancer. I’ll never forgot the way the news was presented to me. Like, “Oh, hello I am an Oncologist. Your son has stage IV Neuroblastoma. Have a wonderful day.” I was stunned, in shock, and the world was literally spinning around me. I was still trying to figure out what the fuck an Oncologist was. I fell to the floor. I died right then and there. But I got back up from my death. I got back up and I fought. We were thrown into the world of childhood cancer and did not stand a chance. Oh, how I thought we did. Because of course you were special and you were mine and we loved each other so much that the God’s from above were going to work in our favor and save you. They did not and you died. And now I will say over and over again, fuck those Gods for taking my child. After you died, I died again, right along with you, by your side, as you took your last sweet filled breaths. “Come with me, Ronan. Let’s get the FUCK out of this place. Take me with you. Please. I don’t want to stay here alone. I am dead, too.” Dead. Dead. Dead. Not once, but twice. So far in my life, I have died not once, but twice.

You die when your child dies. It’s a fact. You die, over and over again. Yet somehow, you just keep being reborn. I often have days where I’ll look in the mirror and say to myself, who are you today? Because I don’t recognize this face. It’s a new face today, but always the same eyes. Those big, sad, green eyes that are filled with so much pain, darkness, and fire it is as if I am looking into the depths of hell itself. Do you know how I go out into the world now Ronan? How I know what kind of day it is going to be? My days are determined by my lipgloss and I’m not even freaking kidding you. What the fuck, kind of way is that to base my days off of? I don’t know, but it is the only thing that seems to work for me. No lipgloss= a really bad day. A clear or light lipgloss= a calm or peaceful day. A bright or red lipgloss= a very, extra spicy day. A red lipstick day! Holy hell. Hold on to your pants, because someone is pissed. I never did this in my life, before I died. I only knew one feeling during that time and it was pure and utter bliss. Lipgloss living wasn’t even on my radar due to the emotions I was feeling. I just wore it because it made me feel pretty and for no other reason then it was girly and fun. Now I wear it to not feel pretty, because I never feel pretty anymore. I feel ugly all the time. I now wear lipgloss like it is part of my survival to stay on this earth. Lipgloss is my imaginary friend that helps me get through the day, the way I need to get through it. Didn’t think I was crazy before? You surely must think I am crazy now. I have imaginary lipgloss friends. It’s o.k. You know I am o.k. with the crazy that exists inside of me. It’s always been there. Now it’s just a little more tangible.

Today had no choice but to be a better day, then yesterday. But last night. That was hell. I think I tossed and turned until almost 5 a.m. I think I beat up some pillows and sent some raving mad lunatic emails to only the one close enough to us, to receive them. Emails that said things like, “What was I thinking, coming here without my Ambien?!! I need it so I can take 5,6, or 7 of them. Or I actually just need my son back, so I can sleep peacefully, again. Can you bring him back for me? I know you can’t, but just thought I would ask. G’nite lovie.” I finally fell asleep after writing a bit. Crying a bit. Thinking a bit. And missing you, a lot. I woke up today, tired but filled with a nervous energy that I couldn’t shake. Adrenaline running through my body like wildfire. Must go, go, today. Do, do, do. I went to visit someone who I have not seen in a long time, but someone who had a hand in shaping me during those very tumultuous teen-aged years. Someone that watched me at my worst and my best. Someone that watched me as a crazy dramatic teenager, grow into a young woman, and now this; a broken-hearted adult. I walked into to see her, like a puppy dog with its tail tucked in between its legs. That’s how I felt anyway. She looked like she was seeing a ghost. We stood and hugged for a few seconds. I didn’t feel like letting go. “Hi,” I said with my eyes falling to the floor. “Oh, Maya. I think about you all the time. But look at you. You’re doing it. You don’t have a choice. I don’t know what to say. You are such a good person. You didn’t deserve this.” Enter my hysteria here, that I tried to keep under control. “I don’t know what happened or how this happened or why this happened. I did everything right. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do in this life, to make sure I had a good life. And this happens to my baby. How??? Why???” No answers were given of course. Just words of sympathy. Maybe pity?? I hope not pity. I never want pity from another person. I stayed for a few minutes longer as it was a short visit, as it only needed to be. She told me she felt honored that I came by to see her. I wanted to say, “Honored? Not honored. It’s just me. I’m just the same. I would always come by to see you, when I was visiting from out of town. I do not want you to see me, so differently, that you are honored that I would pop by. Please, don’t think of me like that. As the broken-hearted woman you see in front of you. Please think of me as just being the same person I was before all of this happened.The girl you used to know, who didn’t know what real pain, felt like. Can’t I go back to being that girl? Please? I cannot. That life is over. That life, will never exist again. Only a new life exists now and I’m not sure what that looks like. It looks different to me, everyday.

Tomorrow is almost here. I have a favor to ask of all of you lovely little blog readers. You all know my Dr. JoRo and how I fully embrace the fact that she has been one of the people who has saved my life through out all of this. Before her, I had no hope at all. She is one of the only people in my life, who has given me the gift of hope back. Tomorrow, her baby girl, Cheyanne, would have been 18 if she had not died during birth. It is because of her death, that I have my Dr. Jo and I so hate that. I would give anything for it to not be this way, and to not have ever known Dr. Jo, so she could just have her daughter. But because of the cruel fates of the world, it is not this way. Dr. Jo has taken tomorrow and turned it into to International Kindness Day. She has been doing this for a very long time now. So long now, that over 1 million acts of kindness have been done around the world. Can you please take tomorrow, and do something extra nice for someone? Even if it is just smiling at a stranger or holding a door open for someone. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but even the smallest acts of kindness, can change the world. Thank you, lovies. You are the best blogosphere friends a girl could ask for. I love you all.

G’nite Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

 

The world needs more Dr. JoRo’s

 

I’ll say this over and over again until the day I die. I am so lucky that I found her. She is hands down, one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known. I hope one day my heart will be as full and as beautiful, as hers.

 

 

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-invisible-people.html

An Inferno Dark Death Hike that should have resulted in a Heart attack.

Ronan. Someone had a party in your room last night and it was not you. That would have been me and my friend, Ambien that I have not taken for weeks now. It’s funny how just when you think you are making progress with little things like a normal sleep schedule and BAM! Out of nowhere, 10 giant steps back. Where is my natural sleep remedy, your New York Miss Macy when I need her? And why does that girl always relax me so much that I sleep like a baby when she is around? Insomnia strikes again tonight as well. Good times around here.

I had a meeting this morning. I felt like a zombie. I took your brothers with me. They quietly sat at the table with us and ate their breakfast. Not a peep was made. Sometimes they are so good that it makes me want to scream, but I was thankful for it this morning. After my meeting in regards to the Sept. 29th event, I ran your brothers to basketball camp. I went by Dr. JoRo’s office to sit and get some things done. She has been letting me use it while she hasn’t been there. I think I was pretty productive but I ended up crying hysterically when one of my MISS mama friends, popped her head into the room to see how I was doing. I tried to say fine, but the tears that followed told the truth. She came and hugged me and sat with me for a while. She told me about the dream she had of you. She asked if there was anything she could do. I just told her no. That there was nothing, anyone could do. She said she knew. I left there shortly after that as I had to pick up your brothers. We came home and spent the rest of the day, hanging out. I made them lunch and tried to do all the normal things that a normal mom does during the day when she does not have a dead child. It still feels foreign to me to go on with normal day to day things. I would give anything back to go back to our cancer world where all I did was take care of you and your brothers when I could. It is such an unfair world but it is so much less cruel than this. Your daddy came home and I told him I needed to go hiking. He took your brothers to Costco and to play basketball for me. I headed up to Camelback around 6:30 p.m. It was still so bloody hot out. I hiked that mountain as fast as I could. At one point my heart was racing so quickly that I thought to myself, I wonder why my body doesn’t just give out and have a heart attack right here. I wonder if this is what it feels like? I was panting so hard trying to get up the last stretch that I could not even breathe. There was some dude behind me. Ummmm, no way was I letting him beat me. He didn’t. I won the little made up competition in my head. I fell to the ground at the top as I could not even stand. I sat there and tried to get my heart rate to come down. I was dry heaving but due to not eating the entire day, I had nothing to throw up. I know I should have been up walking about but my legs would not let me stand back up. I soaked up the bright pink sunset. It was gorgeous up there. I spent way too long at my church, but that tends to happen to me up there. I could sit for hours and talk to you. It was already dark as I headed back down. Dark on Camelback is not a good or safe thing. The trail is steep, rocky, loose gravel everywhere. I did my best to navigate my way down with the little light that was left shining from the moon. I left my headlamp in the car. I was in a fuck it all mood today so fuck it all is what I did. The headlamp did not stand a chance of making it into your little backpack. I got down, somehow. Guided by you of course. It’s the only way I get through things now. I came home, threw off my drenched clothes and got in the shower. I felt so tired that I was sure tonight was going to be an easy night of sleep. I snuggled up to your daddy. I tried to be peaceful but that did not work. I ended up throwing pillows, tossing and turning only to wake him up from his very peaceful sleep of slumber. I told him I was sorry, I loved him, but had to get out of our room. He said it was alright but I know how much he misses me when I don’t sleep in our bed with him. Maybe I’ll attempt to go back there later.

I found out something from Fernanda today. Something that she didn’t tell me but she should have told me. I am just thankful that it is you, who is watching over her and taking care of her to make sure she is o.k. I know she has been talking to you a lot and asking you to help her with some things. You are being such a good, brave boy by taking good care of her so nothing can happen to her. I need her here, for a very long time. Remember how good of care, she took of us? I won’t ever forget it. Now it’s your turn, to take care of her, o.k. baby boy. I know you always are. Thank you for that.

I’m queasy probably from the way I over did things today. I’m getting sleepy. I think I’ll go and cuddle up to that daddy of yours. Goodnight baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Hi. I’m in L.A. I like it here. Little 3,4, and 5 year old boys, who look like you, do not exist on Venice Beach.

Ronan. It’s been almost a week since I posted last. I know this usually means I’m in a dark space; but for once this has not been the case. It’s not that I have not been thinking about you, every waking second, because I have been and I always am. I guess I just needed to give myself a little break so I could survive the last week of Coronado Island of 3,4, and 5 year olds, everywhere. Your daddy made it in time to spend the evening of Father’s Day with us. Macy filled the role of the surrogate father for the day and as always, did an amazing job. She was supposed to fly home on Sunday night, but somehow I talked her into staying an extra day. It had nothing to do with the lazy day we spent laying on the beach, soaking up the sun, either. Well, o.k. that maybe had a little something to do with it, but I also know that she could sense that I needed her and she did really want to spend some time with your daddy as well. It was an o.k. day. We made it the best we possibly could for your daddy. It was hard to look into his eyes though and see the pain pouring out of them. A father should never be without any of his children, on Father’s Day, but your daddy, most of all. He is too good of a daddy to have to carry this never-ending pain around. I’m always so sorry and so sad for him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not see the constant sadness that fills his eyes, even when he is smiling. I know those eyes all too well as they are a reflection of mine.

The rest of the week was pretty low key. Lots of beach time. A little surfing. Some running. Basketball. A movie. Sleeping. No Ambien for me for a couple of weeks now. Dr. JoRo will be proud of that. I’m kind of proud of that too. I got a text message on Wednesday from our lovie, Charisma. It was more like, “OMG. When are you leaving San Diego? I can’t believe we did not meet up! Wanna make a trip to L.A. to see me?” You know how I LOVE spontaneous plans. I texted her back. “Yes. Let me work my magic. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m supposed to go back to AZ on Saturday, but let me talk to Woody.” I got home and told your daddy about what had come up. I think I spun it to him as, “Wooddawg. If I don’t go to L.A., who knows when I am going to get to see Charisma again and it’s already been way too long. She’s leaving for Austin to shoot the new series she just got picked up on, to become a regular. I NEED to give her a congrats hug and see my friend.” It didn’t take much convincing on my end. I offered to take one of your brothers with me as they could use the time apart anyway. Of course your Quinny chose to go with me and Liam chose to stay with your daddy. Quinn cannot seem to be separated from me and Liam seems to be stuck to your daddy like glue. Quinn and I hopped in the car super early on Friday morning to drive to L.A. It was a reunion that showed me much too much time had passed since I had last seen my friend. The last time I spent with her, was when she came out for your services and you know I don’t remember any of that. I’ve really missed her.

Quinn and I arrived and it felt so good to get the frick out of Coronado, and a change of scenery. There are no 3,4,5 year old boys, roaming around the streets of L.A. who all look like you. We spent the day at Venice Beach. I soaked up a day of sunshine with Charisma while your brother and D surfed. I soaked up the homeless bums who filled the boardwalk of Venice Beach. I caught up with my friend. I breathed. I exhaled. I needed to, otherwise I was going to burst. We had a nice lunch and an even better dinner at some to die for Mexican food restaurant. Everyone is snug as a bug in a rug now and sound asleep. All except me. My thoughts are swimming with all there is to do. How much I miss you. The awful way I left your daddy today which was which one of us, was going to take Ronan home. Which meant, who is taking your urn home full of your little body. Your daddy did. I took your GiGi with me, instead. We both felt you would be safer with your daddy. The fact that this conversation is now part of our normal lives leaves me sick to my stomach in a way that I am too tired to explain tonight. I’m getting sleepy. It’s 3 a.m. I mainly just wanted to check in. I know how my lovely little blog readers get when they don’t hear from me, for a while. They worry. They are the sweetest and I am thankful that they care so much. I am o.k. And for me, o.k. is as good as it gets. I am happy to have spent today in the presence of someone whom I think, hung the moon. You don’t get much better in life, than my dear friend, Charisma. She reminds me of all the pain in the world, while pointing out the beauty as well. She reminds me that they can coexist in a peaceful manner. She makes me laugh with her crazy car dancing and with her, the smiles are always true. There is no faking or forcing. There is no judgements or disappointments. There are only journeys and love. I like my world when I am with her. It gives me the break that I know I need and I know I deserve. She loved you so much.

I love you, Ronan. So much so, that I know we are going to do everything it is, that I want to do for you. I don’t care if it costs 150 billion dollars. You cannot put a price on our love and the power it has to change this cancer world in the way that it so desperately needs to be changed. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo