Wake up, throw up, go back to bed.


 

 

 

 

Ronan. I am not used to living a life where I am physically chained to my bed. That’s how it’s been this past week. I cannot seem to function. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. I’m used to being the energizer bunny. Go, go, go. Get this done. On to the next. No sleep needed. No eating required. Crazy workouts. Although my routine seemed crazy to most, I felt like I thrived in it. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I wake up exhausted. Throw up. Get a few more things done. Lay down again. It’s fucking depressing, to say the least. Your daddy keeps telling me that I’m wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. I don’t do well with things that slow me down. I miss my workouts. I miss being on the go 24/7. But most of all, I miss you. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I went to see Dr. JoRo. We talked about a lot of stuff. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. I left her office, feeling tired and sad.

I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I’m telling you, it’s all I can seem to do lately. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. “Is this normal? I don’t think this is normal. Do you think I’m dying? I think I’m dying.” He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. I listened to him like I always do. He always knows best. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. I’ve spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Now I feel like I am in prison. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldn’t ruin it. You have no idea how glad I am you didn’t listen to me on that one. It’s one of my only drawings I have of yours. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. I don’t remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. I know this is what you would want. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. I don’t think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I can’t take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. There is no better place, then here with me. NOWHERE. I will never be o.k. with you being somewhere else. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. Not the other way around. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. I should to have been the one watching you die at only almost 4 years old. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I won’t fail you or let you down. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. A mother doesn’t survive something like this. I didn’t survive this. I died when you died. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now… by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. It’s not my choice, it’s yours. I choose to live to honor you and everything you stood for which was strength, courage, and fearlessness. I live on, for you because I love you so much. Everything I do is for you.

I came home yesterday to the sweetest thing on our porch. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. What amazing little girls. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. If that wasn’t enough to make me cry, the next thing was. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Then the next letter, from a mom, who’s husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. My cheeks were soaked with tears after being hit with those 3 things. Thank you, sweet strangers. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. I am going to build something amazing with it. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. This will be your legacy, Ronan. This will be how you live on and help others. This is my purpose.

Your daddy went out last night. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. They kept coming in to check on me. I was out cold. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. “Goodnight, mommy. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan.” Quinn said. Liam chimed in, too. “Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro.” I managed to say. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. I am awake now. It’s early in the day… around 5 a.m. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll.

xoxo

 

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23 thoughts on “Wake up, throw up, go back to bed.

  1. anewstart13

    I never really stops hurting, but when tragedy strikes we some how find it in ourselves to get up and start moving again just to get through another day. I hear your story and your in my prayers just like every other night.

  2. Laura

    You and your whole family are always in our thoughts, love to you all. Mr. Sparkly Eyes is right listen to your body. Very excited about little Poppy.i am happy that you are getting to a much better space, day by day. You are so amazing, keep up all the fabulous work, but take time for yourself and the amazing present that is inside you, it is a true gift.

  3. Rachel Brusseau

    I was pregnant at 25 & then again at 34. I was WAY more tired the last time. It used to kind of piss me off when people pointed out my age because I still felt young & I knew that 6-before I was doing everything that I was in my 20s. Now i admit they were right. Don’t be too shy or independant to ask for help. People love to help out, and it’s not for you, you are just the incubator, it’s for the baby. 🙂

    I have not met but I read your blog and think about you and your family daily. 2 nights ago my 5-yr old clogged the drain of the shower and tried to fill up the enclosure so he could “swim”. He flooded our bathroom & family room and caused thousands of dollars in damage. My main emotion? THANKFULNESS that I have him in my life to keep things interesting. AMAZEMENT at his innocent curiosity. YOUR WORDS helpe me handle this situation in a new light, without frustration or anger. Thank you Maya. Rachel from Camas Washington.

  4. Maria

    Hi! I am a 17 years old girl from Spain who, after having spent all day reading your blog, couldn’t be more inspired by Ronan, by your family and by you. I know ths comment is going to be one of many for you and i doubt that you’ll even read it but I just wanted to thank you for making me realise that we should live our life like if everyday was our last, not taking anything for granted. I am the kind of girl that complains about every stupid detail in her life wishing i had a better life, but why would i need a better life when i have everything i need?I have a family, i have friends, we are all healthy and we love each other. I may not have the latest iphone or live in a huge house but i do have love, and thanks to you i realised that that is all that i need to be happy. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME REALISE THIS, I WILL NEVER BE GRATEFUL ENOUGH

  5. Paula

    I felt your heart beat slowly while you took deep breaths writing that post, I felt your tears falling and the salt of them hitting your mouth. When your heart is ripped out of your chest the way yours was, the pain cannot be expressed in words. It is pure agony, some days you just want to scream. I had my husband build a quiet spot for me to go to whenever I felt I couldn’t breath, had to scream, cry, pray or talk – sometimes I’m lucky and feel a bit of comfort just by going there. I feel your ache.

  6. Victoria Hallman

    I truly understand my baby passed in April of this yr and everyday is a battle. I miss him so very much.. He had Mediastinal germ cell non-simenoma (yolk sac)only 1 in 6 billion get this. It is a childhood cancer. I have a younger son living at home and the rest of our children are out on their own, it has been so hard for me to stay strong for them. But like i said i fight with it everyday. Just wanting to let you know you’re in my thoughts and prayers.. :*(
    Victoria

  7. Rachel De La Rosa

    Maya, I heard your story for the first time on the radio the other day, when you did an interview on 99.9 Kez…they played the song Ronan and by the time I got to work, I was crying. I sat in the parking lot for ten minutes just weeping for you and Ronan. I went home at te end of the day and hugged my 4 kids (ages 2 to 14). Thank you for sharing your story and your pain. I had never even heard of that type of cancer and I had no idea there is such little funding for childhood cancer. Again…thank you for sharing your story and most of all, thank you for sharing RONAN with the world.

  8. Keirstin

    Dear Maya,

    I’m a mother of 4 kids who lives here in Phoenix. I too heard you and Ronan’s love story after Swift’s song for Ronan. To say your story has touched me would be the understatement of the year!! I’ve read most of your blog and I’ve shead thousands of tears for you. You and Ronan did NOT deserve this!! Fuck cancer!! I’m so mad with you!! Mad enough that I am taking action!! Cancer I’m coming for you with both fists swinging!! I’ve donated money already, but it’s not enough!! I’m going to spread the word about this awful disease to everyone who will listen!! I’m also checking to see if I qualify to donate bone marrow!! I lost my father in law to cancer, I also lost my 29 year old cousin to cancer in July. I was with him while he died, I whispered in his ear that everything would be ok. After losing 2 family members and hearing Ronan’s story, I’ve decided the only thing I can do is be a warrior for you and this cause!! Fuck cancer!! When I read your stories of you and Ronan, your love, your relationship, it reminds me so much of my little man Jason. He’s almost 5. We even say similar things to each other that you and Ronan did. I know the bond you share with Ronan, because I have the same with my little boy. You and Ronan didn’t deserve this fate!! I promise I’m going to fight for you!! Like I said, spread the word, donations, bone marrow, plus I will rock the run for Rockstar Ronan in January!! I’m so sorry for your pain and loss!! I wish I could bring Ronan back for you!!! Fuck you cancer I’m going to kick your ass!!

  9. Beckee

    On the positive- being so fatigued is a good sign that the pregnancy is going well. But, I hear ya about it being a difficult thing to go through. The most difficult thing for an active, in demand mama!!
    You are so wrong when you say you aren’t strong. You are an amazing person. You are being so honest. I gave your blog to a girl that I work with whose daughter passed away at 9 months from a stroke. She said everything you write feels like it came out of her heart. She said it isn’t like regular people know anything about losing their child. I am so sorry yu guys had to find out. She is finding STrENGth in your words and reflections.
    I can’t stop reading your blog. Thanks for being so open.

  10. Ali Barnes

    Form what I know about you, Maya, you must be going stir crazy in that house, especially when there is so much going on with the foundation, with childhood cancer awareness month and with all the attention stirred up from ‘Ronan’. I actually thought the reason you had been a bit quiet is because you were so busy…i’m bummed it’s because you’re not feeling well, even though it’s due to such a beautiful thing.
    Hopefully, you’ll start to feel better in time for the Gold Party (Ro wouldn’t let you miss it) and it’ll be an easier run from there.

  11. amourningmom

    I hope that you start feeling better and get some of your energy back. When I was pregnant after our first son, Jake, died it was one of my worst fears to be put on bed rest. (The thought of being alone, stuck in bed with my thoughts about Jake and what could happen).

    Our OB said that if women remembered how terrible pregnancy make us feel that the human race would become extinct. Wishing you an easier pregnancy. Thinking of you and Ronan. FU Cancer!

  12. Darcy

    Hello Again. I just wanted to let you know that I too bought the song Ronan and have been playing it nonstop on repeat and crying or tearing up everytime. Like the meaning of your son’s name, you too are a warrior. You are basically bringing much needed awareness to a neglected part of the cancer whole almost by yourself. Except now maybe Ro gave you a little tag a long so you’re never alone, where ever you go. To fight the good fight together. Maybe you can bank the stem cells of the cord and it could be used later in figuring out a cure. I don’t know, it’s 1:35 in the morning and maybe I’m just babbling. Damn Insomnia. Fuck You Cancer. Fuck You Untimely Death.
    Darcy

  13. Tara Simko

    I know that the pain you feel is unbearable- that it is the ultimate pain and there is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel better. I also know, that you are channeling that pain in a way that is going to change the world- why he had to go, will never be right- it will never be right that he is not with you where he belongs, but Ronan’s purpose in life is clear: His purpose was to save lives, and he is doing that through you. You are amazing. Period. I believe you’re having a sweet little girl with sparkly eyes and she’s going to be your little partner in all of this. I just adore you and your determination- keep up your great work, but get plenty of rest (as if you’re given a choice, right?!). 😉 xxx

  14. Terri

    Oh Maya, my heart aches for you. After reading your story and the hell you have gone through the past 2 years, I’m not sure how you do it. I can’t even lose a pet and not think I just want to die myself. A loss like yours…I can’t even begin to imagine what that is like. I think of you, your family and your precious little man Ronan every day. Taylor’s song for him is constantly going through my head now…the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I have been reading about this awful cancer that took Ronan from you and I have become so paranoid about my 2 little granddaughters now….they are 2 1/2 months and 20 months. It is my hope that maybe someday there will be a screening for this in babies and they will be able to do something about it before it causes such terrible sickness. I hope you start feeling better with your pregnancy….I can’t wait to see who little Ronan is sending you. Love and hugs to all of you.

  15. Laura Weinhofer

    Your blog makes me cry everytime I read it. There was absolutely no words for what you might be feeling right now. And there is nothing that anyone could ever say to make you feel better. Ronan will ALWAYS be a part of you. No matter what. You are such a great mother and an inspiration to me. Your blog is inspirational as well, words can’t express. Be grateful for what you have, but remember Ronan like you should. Praying for you and your family.

  16. cynmac76

    I love reading your blog. I wish I was not reading it, because Ronan would still be here. My heart breaks for you! I can’t imagine the pain you have been through. I have 3 healthy grown children, and I am grateful every day for them. I believe Ronan is safe, happy and pain free and that he is with you every minute of every day hoping you have a healthy little baby. And he will always be in your heart forever. No parent should bury their child! I’m so proud of you to be able to carry on and be there for your twins and husband. You are also a ROCKSTAR!! ROCKSTAR MAYA, rock on!! I can’t wait for your baby to arrive! Will you post pictures? Cindy M

  17. Autore

    I don’t what to say after reading your blog, but I was really, really touched. I know it’ll take a long time for you to heal, but I really hope you will. I’m sure Ronan will too.
    I just know one of these days, you will be able to smile and tell all of us how great of a son you once had without crying. I look forward to that day.

  18. Jamie

    I am so sorry you had to loose your angelic little boy to cancer! I heard Tayor’s song she wrote for Ronan from following your blog! Your heart’s cries! I am so sorry ! It is a beautiful song she heard your heart exactly! I bought it and shared with my daughter and we both cried! Ronan beautiful face & eyes just look angelic! It was like is was an angel from heaven! I have 4 young grandsons whom I love so deeply I could not imagine life without one of them. I have three close friends that have lost children. One was 18 months, one was 17 , the other was my friends only son who had two young children and a wife. I do not understand why and I hurt for them everyday and they still cry everyday. I have not walked in your shoes ; but I believe that Ronan is in heaven, painfree, with a new body I believe he is your special angel looking over you and his sibblings! I believe Jesus loves you more than you love Ronan really he does! You are his child and he has you! I promise! We do not understand why; we are not suppose to understand. But you are making a better difference for other innocent children. Maybe that is part of the plan we won’t know in this life! I wish your were having a bad dream and you could wake up and everything would be like it should be. I am sending you a big hug ( squeezzeee) I read your blogs and have to take breaks inbetween it just makes my heart heavy and I can’t hardly bear your pain! I probally would not be able to breathe if I was in your place. But I am praying for you to have strength each day, filled with peace and joy and full of love. You sound like you are such a wonderful mother! Children are gifts and Gods seems to have a lot of trust & faith in you. Twinboys wow….he has given you much. The boys must be pretty good basketball players too! You have began a Children’s Cancer awareness in me and I will continue to do my part for all. Thank you and I hope your pregancy yucks get better soon!! Keep letting us all know what we can do! Keep keeping on girl just breathe…..love those precious children of your’s …your really do inspire others and make us all really priortize what really matters!

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