Late night rants and I can’t put Poppy down.

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Ronan. Fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m venting on here tonight and I don’t even care. I have been spending all of my nights, writing about this nightmare for this book and going back to re read my blog, which I’ve NEVER done, to reference some things.

This is beyond torture. I knew this was going to be hard, but SHITBALLS! This is beyond sick. I would give anything to be tucking you into bed instead.

So, the little time at night that I sleep, I have been having horrific nightmares. Last night, Poppy had cancer and went from being my healthy, chubby baby girl, to wilting away in my arms as I watched her die. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Can’t I catch a break around here?! I mean, I wake up to a nightmare everyday, which is not having you here, and I can’t even go to sleep without being tortured as well. Where are my puppies, unicorns and rainbows when I need them? Oh, I remember. I stopped subscribing to those a long time ago. Lucky me. Whatever. It is impossible for me to have gone through something like this and just stick my head in the sand and pretend like nothing happened. I’m so sick of hearing from the idiots of the world that now that I have Poppy, I should just move on and leave all of this behind. Well, nobody has ever told this to my face, but as always, I hear the whispers and they are whispers of BULLSHIT from sad souls who are obviously so self absorbed that they think that going through something like this, then having a baby makes everything disappear. That is so very untrue and so very ignorant.

Leave all of this behind?! Are you kidding me? Never. I will never sell my soul to the devil that way. I will never sell out and “move on” from Ronan. Yesterday, I woke up to 7 kids dying of cancer. 7!!!!  And that is only in the United States! Where are the riots on the street for that?!? Unbelievable.

I am not going anywhere, ever. I will stay here and continue to fight for you, Ronan and for all of these other kids until the day I die. I am not going “back” to my life of happy. I am a tortured soul and I can live with that. If anybody that is close to me has a problem with that, then please feel free to exit. The whispers are getting beyond fucking annoying.

Ronan. I started that rant a while ago. I think I was in the middle of being consumed by my writing at night and obviously I needed a break. My break came at the perfect timing as my childhood best friend, invited us down to stay with her over the weekend in Hood River, Oregon. It’s taken me a while to be able to say yes to something like this. I know Amy has been wanting to see me for a while now, but it’s honestly taken me this long to get back to that place where I feel I can see people again. Coming to your Nana and Papa’s is wonderful in so many ways, but I do tend to turn into a little of a hermit here. Meaning I don’t go out and do a lot of things. I prefer to stay home and only venture out for little adventures, here and there. Thankfully, they have enough acres and space to make us feel like we are in a different world, off doing a million adventures, without having to leave or drive anywhere to do so. When Amy asked to see us, I hesitated a little bit but ended up telling her we would come to her. We needed a change of scenery and I very much needed a break from my writing. Plus, I really have missed my dear friend.

We headed out on Friday for a weekend full of all thing amazing and beautiful that the Pacific Northwest has to offer this time of year. Mountain biking up some wicked trails, running through sprinklers, blueberry picking, ice cream, watching the boys play and splash on the beach, an amazing hike, all in a 48 hour period. Your brothers had such fun with her boys that they didn’t want to leave. I handled the weekend pretty well and tried not to let the wind get knocked out of me every time Amy’s very spicy 3-year-old, did something naughty. Oh, how he reminded me of you. He even has that same color of copper hair. Seeing your brothers with him and watching them giggle whenever he did something he was not supposed to do, broke my heart over and over again. But I survived the weekend much like the way I survive this life, by being surrounded by really amazing people and letting myself get lost in the smiles from your brothers and cuddles from your sister.

At one point Amy said to me, “You know you can put Poppy down, right?” Apparently I had been walking around pretty much the entire weekend, without setting her down except for when I had to change her diaper, but I hadn’t noticed this. I just looked at Amy and said, “Put her down? I never put her down. I can’t.” Errrrrr… I might be turning into an obsessive psycho maniac over your sister, but we all know there is a good reason behind this. Besides the fact that she is just too adorable to ever stop staring at.

Our weekend was wonderful and I’m back to the grind of trying to juggle 50 things at once. Yesterday, I felt so beat down that I almost cracked. It’s times like these that your Nana can sense it all and looks at me and says, “Give me Poppy and go for a run to blow off some steam.” That’s precisely what I did. It’s going to be hard to leave this place to go back to the realities of Arizona. It is still really hard for me to be there, but I will stick it out until something comes along to take us elsewhere. A change is in the air I think but I’m just not sure what that looks like as of now.

I have some other not so fun things to vent about, but I’m not going to do that now as I have to get back to the hours I need to put in with your book. All will come in due time. I also have some really amazing things to share as well as the sad/beautiful seem to live hand in hand.

I miss you so much, Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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A very Katie Couric pity party kind of day

Ronan. I guess I had kind of a pity party of a day. I started off the day by throwing up all over our hallway early this morning in front of your brothers. Awesomeness. They were both so impressed. I did go to my office. Where the nicest people in the world work. I’m not even exaggerating. What kind of office is filled with laughter, kindness and love all the time? What kind of office has the sweetest girls, peaking in to bring you a water, lunch, snacks and my favorite, Vita Coco? My office. I am so thankful for this new little home. I get a lot done there. Much more there than from our sad little house. I was productive today but also greatly distracted. My phone and emails were blowing up due to the Katie Show that was happening today. It aired on the East Coast first. My twitter soon started blowing up with the kindest tweets ever. I love my little twitter family. I went into lockdown mode and decided I was not ready to watch it when it aired in Phoenix. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called me. “Where are you watching this?” I told him I was not. “I am living this. I do not need to watch this. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ve been throwing up all morning.” “You should not still be throwing up this late in your pregnancy,” he said. I told him the obvious reason why, “I’m allergic to my house.” This sent him into those famous chuckles of his. “You are so cute. Allergic to you house. You are too much.” See Ro, everyone thinks I am being overly dramatic. Hello! I am not sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself puke. The puking is happening totally on it’s own and I don’t think Poppy has anything to do with it anymore. I don’t know what it is going to take for everyone to start believing me.

I got some work done and popped by our Mr. Sparkly Eyes office. We sat for a long time talking about everything and anything. I told him all about New York and how wonderful it was to be there with my girlfriends. How it was such a great little bonding trip for us. I told him all about Taylor and all the sweet things we talked about. I basically caught him up on our entire trip. We talked about that little secret thing I am working on. He gave me his best fatherly advice on it, asking a couple things of me. I told him I would listen and remember. “You are a remarkable woman and I am so proud of you. Actually, you are a remarkable child.” I huffed and puffed. “Stop calling me a child. I am a grown adult.” He told me I was a child and to stop arguing with him about it. I rolled my eyes at him instead. He listened to me talk about some more things and said to me, “You are so sad today. Why are so sad today?” I told him, “Because I just want Ronan here. I don’t want to be on the Katie Couric show because he is dead. I just want Ro back.” “I understand. I know. I’m so sorry.” he mumbled. He watched me spin around in his office chair while staring at pictures of you on his bulletin board and watched as my face turned from that look of, I am o.k., to I am really not o.k. “I don’t know how to help you or what to do.” I looked up at him. “You can’t help me. But you have helped me more than anyone else.” His eyes fell to the floor. “Why? How?” I couldn’t tell him how or why right then and there because I knew if I did, I would have ended up in a puddle in the middle of his floor. I didn’t feel like going there as I was hardly holding it together, as it was. I avoided his question and his eyes full of tears. I ended up telling him later. “Because of your voice of reason, your never judging me, your advice, opinions, and honesty. Because you love him so much and I can see the way he’s changed you. Because you have been my best friend throughout all of this and never went away, even during the worst of times. You never gave up on him or me. Because of the way you believe in me so much, even when you know I am bat shit crazy. I could go on and on. Because you saved my life.” Your Sparkly knows all of this and I know he does not give himself the credit he deserves. You know what he told me? That he is lucky to have me as his daughter. I am the lucky one, Ronan. Truly.

I came home to our house. Your daddy was already home. Your brothers were gone with Mimi and Papa. I plopped down on the couch. Your daddy was watching T.V. like a normal person. I started freaking out, like an insane person. “How can you sit here and act like everything is the same, in our same house, doing all the same things that we used to do with Ronan when nothing is the same anymore!?” He was just freaking watching baseball. I don’t know what I expect. Sometimes I have berserk fantasies about uprooting everyone to somewhere completely different. I mean, it just feels wrong to me to sit here and do all the things we always used to do. Your daddy was quick to point out why my blubbering madness didn’t even make sense. I just sat and listened to him while the tears poured down my cheeks. I then got up and threw myself in your bed like a child having a temper tantrum and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I’ve been in your little bed, all night long. Your daddy came to check on me. He rubbed my back. “Do you need anything?” I told him no. He said, “I know, you don’t need anything or anyone. You can do this all on your own, right?” I told him, “Absolutely.” He then goes, “Well, we all still love you anyway. Tough ass.” I ignored his funny comment because I was too busy drowning in my tears that soaked your bed.

I ended up watching my interview on Katie Couric while in your bed. Alone. That’s how I wanted to see it. I thought they did a beautiful job of putting it together. Of course I am kicking myself for not saying the 50 other things that I wanted to say. Like how my last words to you were also, ” I love you so much. You are my best friend. I’m so sorry. I promise to fix this for you. I promise to make you proud. Please don’t go away. Please don’t ever leave me. Please, I am so scared. Please somebody save him. Please somebody take me instead. Please Ronan, I can’t live without you.” I also wished I would have freaked out and talked about how fucking fucked up it is that childhood cancer is so ignored. How nobody cares. How is it acceptable that childhood cancers is the least funded out of all the cancers. Why doesn’t the whole world know that the GOLD RIBBON is for childhood cancer and SEPTEMBER is CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. WHY ISN’T THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER GOLD EVERYWHERE? Why has only 1 new pediatric drug for childhood cancer been approved in the past 25 years? WHY DID RONAN AND SO MANY OTHERS HAVE TO DIE BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF AWARENESS AND FUNDING? WHY ISN’T CHILDHOOD CANCER AT THE TOP OF OUR PRIORITY LIST? Because if it were, my Ronan might still be here. I guess I can save that for another time, right Ro? I did the very best I could and I am so very thankful for the awareness that I know our show will bring. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

I’m going to go now baby doll, before I start to freak out once again. If I were not pregnant, I would be doing a very dangerous night hike right now. Poppy is keeping me from throwing myself off the side of a cliff. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. And I wish you were not gone from me or in a better place. There is NO better place in the world then with me. I am so very sorry. G’nite little man.

xoxo

Your other song for the night. And it really is your song. I still can’t listen to it, without bawling. She is so beautiful. I love you both to the moon and back.

 

 

http://youtu.be/CS7JrI-JPOc

Wake up, throw up, go back to bed.

 

 

 

 

Ronan. I am not used to living a life where I am physically chained to my bed. That’s how it’s been this past week. I cannot seem to function. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. I’m used to being the energizer bunny. Go, go, go. Get this done. On to the next. No sleep needed. No eating required. Crazy workouts. Although my routine seemed crazy to most, I felt like I thrived in it. Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I wake up exhausted. Throw up. Get a few more things done. Lay down again. It’s fucking depressing, to say the least. Your daddy keeps telling me that I’m wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. I don’t do well with things that slow me down. I miss my workouts. I miss being on the go 24/7. But most of all, I miss you. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I went to see Dr. JoRo. We talked about a lot of stuff. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. I left her office, feeling tired and sad.

I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I’m telling you, it’s all I can seem to do lately. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. “Is this normal? I don’t think this is normal. Do you think I’m dying? I think I’m dying.” He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. I listened to him like I always do. He always knows best. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. I’ve spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Now I feel like I am in prison. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldn’t ruin it. You have no idea how glad I am you didn’t listen to me on that one. It’s one of my only drawings I have of yours. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. I don’t remember it being this way with you and your brothers, but your daddy says he does. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. I know this is what you would want. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. Your daddy keeps reminding me how much you wanted a brother or sister. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. I don’t think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I can’t take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. There is no better place, then here with me. NOWHERE. I will never be o.k. with you being somewhere else. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. Not the other way around. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. I should to have been the one watching you die at only almost 4 years old. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I won’t fail you or let you down. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. A mother doesn’t survive something like this. I didn’t survive this. I died when you died. I just made a choice to get back up and live the only way I know how to live now… by fighting for you and all you were robbed of. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. It’s not my choice, it’s yours. I choose to live to honor you and everything you stood for which was strength, courage, and fearlessness. I live on, for you because I love you so much. Everything I do is for you.

I came home yesterday to the sweetest thing on our porch. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. What amazing little girls. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. If that wasn’t enough to make me cry, the next thing was. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Then the next letter, from a mom, who’s husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. My cheeks were soaked with tears after being hit with those 3 things. Thank you, sweet strangers. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. I am going to build something amazing with it. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. This will be your legacy, Ronan. This will be how you live on and help others. This is my purpose.

Your daddy went out last night. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. They kept coming in to check on me. I was out cold. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. “Goodnight, mommy. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan.” Quinn said. Liam chimed in, too. “Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro.” I managed to say. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. I punched a pillow and went back to sleep. I am awake now. It’s early in the day… around 5 a.m. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll.

xoxo

 

A Runaway Death in a Mental Institution with a Maybe Baby

Ronan. I know what I’ve been doing. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. It’s how I have to be. When I need the quiet and the stillness, it’s to the inferno I go. That’s my time to be in tune with myself and you. It’s where I feel the closest to you. I might have to be taking a break from that Inferno for a while.

I know everyone has been worried since I have not been writing. I hope they are not worrying too much. Do they wonder if I ran away? To New York City like I often dream about. Or maybe I finally cracked and checked myself in a mental institution where I sometimes think I belong. Or maybe I died like I have wished for a thousand times. Is it another maybe baby? That would have thrown me right over the edge.

Ronan do you remember how we would talk about a baby and how badly you wanted one? We would talk about baby names and how you were going to make the best big brother and as soon as you got better, we talked about how we would have another baby. Your daddy brought it up with me a lot and I always just put him off by saying, “We can talk about it when Ronan gets better.” It was only really with you, that I would talk about another baby. Things with you got worse and worse and of course the baby thing was totally off my radar because all I cared about was you getting better. I still don’t know how you didn’t, how you died, and how you are no longer here with us. All of still feels like it’s not real, at times. I still sometimes wait for you to come running through the door, but you never come. The whole baby thing was whispered about here and there, and then I had that whole maybe baby thing in my head which turned out to be just that…. a baby that I thought I was having. I was crushed when I found out it wasn’t real. I made a decision at that point to never again, put that much pressure on myself about getting pregnant or maybe being pregnant. I couldn’t have the build up again only to be let down. It mentally broke me when I thought I was not capable of being broken down anymore. I had people bring it up a lot. “Do you think you’ll try for a baby?” My response was always, “If it happens, it happens.” Non chalet. Calm. Relaxed about it. I had secretly told myself in my head that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because of course, I don’t deserve to feel anything but pure torture, sadness and pain for the rest of my life.

I’m pregnant. Did I just write that? Yeah. I just wrote that, which is why I haven’t been writing to you on here at all. You know I can’t write when I can’t talk about what’s really going on. I’m not good at not being able to blab about things. It all came out of nowhere really. I was a Victoria’s Secret, getting a new bra. I’d better get measured I thought to myself. I have been a 34 C since I was 18. The girl helping me got out her little measuring tape and wrapped it around me. I told her I have always been a 34 C. She goes, “You are actually a 36 D.” What? I thought to myself. What the HELL? I do NOT want to be a 36 D! I left there with my new bra and a could it be a maybe baby floating through my head. I pushed that aside and went on with my day as it was Friday and we were having your Olivia over to hang out with us. That night I thought to myself, “Weird… my period is supposed to be in the next day or two, and I don’t feel like I’m getting it.” I whipped out a pregnancy test and peed on the stick thinking it was nothing, that sometimes my period just doesn’t come anymore due to my stress/lack of appetite/exercise regimen.  So, I peed and waited. I left the room for a few minutes. I came back and looked at my test. Two lines. What??? This can’t be. I went to show your daddy. He was skeptical. O.k. I’ll test again, tomorrow. I did. And the day after that too. I got 4 positive tests and no period. I spent the weekend sleeping, a lot and letting my mind absorb the news. I’ve been so tired, that I can hardly make it through the day, without a nap. That never happens. My body is working overtime I guess. I went to the doctor on Monday, just to confirm everything. I took a urine test there too, and I waited in the little room, for the results. The nurse practitioner came in to see me. “How have you been feeling,” she asked. I told her, “Just really, really tired.”  She then goes, “So you got a positive test result at home?” I said, “I got 4 positive test results at home.” I waited for her to say something while I had a few seconds of thinking to myself, “Uh-oh. Am I back in crazy land and this is all in my head?” She looked up at me, smiled, and goes, “That’s what we got, too.” We went over a few things like how important it is for me to rest. She told me a solid 8-10 hours a sleep a night with a nap everyday. She told me how important it is for me to be eating a lot of protein. I made another appointment to see her along with my OBGYN on September 4th for an ultrasound. I got up and walked out of the room. She said to me, “Congratulations, you’re about to add to your family!” I just looked back at her and gave her a small smile. I really just wanted to say, “Well, what about Ronan? Why can’t he be here for this, too?” I got in my car and drove off not sure where I was going.

My phone rang, like it always does, when it’s supposed to.

“Hello.” me, crying.

“What’s wrong?” said the voice on the other end.

“Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Everything is fine.” I didn’t want to tell your Sparkly this news over the phone but that’s just what happened because I couldn’t explain my crying any other way.

“I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know why Ronan had to die and now I’m pregnant and he can’t be here to share this with us.”

“Oh my goodness, darling! This is great news! I am so happy for you, this is going to be wonderful for you. You are such a wonderful mom, you deserve to have a little sunshine in your life.” He went on and on about that’s enough with the inferno hiking, how it’s time to take care of myself, and how he I just needed to rest and listen to my body. “I know this is hard for you and I know how badly you miss Ronan. I miss him so much too. I know how worried, scared, happy, sad and confused you are. I understand all of this. You know I do. But I promise you, this baby is going to be so good for you.”

I could literally hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I let that make me happy. It’s not often I get to make your Sparkly smile because of good news. The funny thing is, he knew I was pregnant, before I did. Last week, he looked at me and said, “Are you pregnant?” I just laughed at him and said, “No, Sparkly. I’m not pregnant. And what if I can’t get pregnant? What if I’m too old now?” He looked at me and said, “Nonsense. You are only 34. You still have plenty of time.” I said, “I hope you’re right.” And of course, he was, just like he always is. That bloody soul knows me better than I know myself.

I called a few people after I found out the news. Your Nana. Dr. JoRo. Macy. I sobbed in the phone to Macy and listened as she cried with me. She told me how she knew how I was so torn about this, but how good it was going to be. How she knows that the timing of this is just perfect because she has literally watched me come back to life. I know she was so scared for me last summer. I think everyone was. She told me how proud she is of the way I am engaging with your brothers and your daddy again. How this will be so good and healing for all of us. Her talk made me feel a little better. I’ve let this all sink in, very slowly. I have to take the time to process things in a way that I never have had to, before.

I wonder a lot about if this is part of your plan. I already wonder if this baby will look like you. It will be a part of you which means this baby will be nothing short of amazing. I will let myself feel happy and excited when the time is right. As of now, I just want to absorb all of this in a delicate way by being true to what it is, I am feeling. Right now it’s a mix of emotions, and there is a sadness/happiness combined. I am trying to be true to both of those things. I am trying to be true, to all of this, for you.

I’m tired little bug. I would give anything for you to be here, with all of us. I’m so sorry you are not. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

A Danger Day for 15 months without you. F U Cancer.

Ronan. 15 months of you being gone and I survived today. It wasn’t even a totally awful day. I think it’s the first 9th I’ve had in a long time, that wasn’t horrific. Do you know why? Because I took today and made it be an alright day. I’ve had too many hard days this week and I just could not do another one, today. I got up with a heavy heart, like always. Got your brothers off to school. I had a plan for what I would do today on our danger day. It involved something that I have become borderline obsessed with. Something that I have done for a while, but just not often. Something that I like to do alone that fills my heart with a peacefulness that I cannot explain. Drum roll please…………..

Golf. You heard me right. Golf. Now, I know you are wondering how this might be dangerous because I’m pretty sure golf is the safest sport out there. I turned it into something dangerous by taking my golf day and tweaking it into Inferno Golf, of course! It was only 112 today. I golfed in the middle of the heat for 3 solid hours. It was glorious. You want to know what the funny thing is? I am freakishly good. As in really, really good for only having played about a half dozen times in my life, if that. I spent 3 hours of the day in the blazing heat, golfing my heart out and jumping up and down over my almost hole in one. I drove the cart extra fast, through some muddy grass and a sprinkler, just for you. I came home from my day with a smile on my face that does not happen very often anymore. I finished off the day by working on some things for your foundation. We have a lot of great things, coming up.

I ended this awful 15 months of hell without you by doing an extra fast inferno night hike up Camelback. So fast that I thought I was going to die, from not being able to breathe. I had to stop at one point and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath. I thought to myself, “Is this how Ronan felt, right before he died? Like he couldn’t breathe? This is awful. Please, I hope he didn’t feel this way.” The darkness that lives within me, tried to take over. I told myself to stop, to just get to the top,  because Ronan is waiting for you up there. I tell myself this a lot when I am physically trying to do something that is hard. That you are waiting for me so I’d better freaking finish what it is, I am doing. I know you know how much you know I wish this were true. I would give anything to have you waiting for me. I let you guide me in the ways that you still can though. I hear your voice, a lot in my head. It pushes me to try my hardest at everything I do.

This post is going to be a little short tonight. I am physically beat. I love you my spicy monkey. I called you this a lot tonight on my hike. I know you heard me.

Sweet dreams, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person. Hopefully.

Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.

I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.

I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.

I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo

If I had any Ambien, it would be an Ambien overdose night.

Ronan. Today was a mind fuck of a day. I should have known it was coming. Your brothers wanted to go fishing on Papa’s boat. They went just a few nights ago and begged me to go with them. I told them I couldn’t. Even your Nana kept saying over and over again, why don’t you just go. I quietly just said that I wanted them to go and spent this time with your Papa, to have their own little adventure. That was partly true, but it was partly not. Why didn’t I go? Because the last time we were on that boat, was with you. I remember that day, so clearly. You were not sick. You were perfect, healthy, and so happy. But you were sick. You had Stage IV fucking cancer filled through out your entire body. How could that be and how did we not know? 2 and a half weeks after you being on Papa’s boat, we were told you had cancer. I can’t get on that boat again, I’m not ready. I didn’t have a choice today. Your brothers were begging to go. I did my usual pep talk. “Come on, Maya. You can do this. You are their mom. Suck it up and go fishing with them.” I felt physically ill. Deep breath. Step on the boat. A fishing you will go. Holy fuck. We were out there for about 5 hours. I felt like I was frozen in time. No. This is so wrong, without Ronan here. And your brothers were off their fucking rockers today with their fighting. I did my best to keep things calm, but it just went on and on and on. At one point, I pretty much just gave up. I was so exhausted and mentally just beat down from trying to hold it together for them for the day. I was ready to jump off of the fucking boat and swim to shore. The arguing. The water fight. The hitting. It was all I could do not throw them both off of the boat. I didn’t lose my temper. I disciplined them the best I could, being out on the boat stuck in the middle of nowhere. I was so happy when our day of fishing was over and we were driving back home. That boat felt horrific without you.

We came home. It’s been 2 days since I’ve eaten. I was hungry. I was tired. I came upstairs and crawled into bed as I suddenly was too sad to have an appetite. I just sat and sobbed instead for a while. Quinn came upstairs of course to see what I was doing. He saw that I was crying. He asked what was wrong. I just told him I missed you. He asked if I needed anything. I told him no. He got up and went outside. I got up and went downstairs to try to put something in my stomach. I was sitting in the living room, just about eat and your brothers came in yelling and screaming that one of them, had just broken the other one’s bike by getting into a bike war. WTF? I had enough. That was the straw that broke the camels back. The situation was explained to me and the disciplining came next. Word to the wise. I don’t do well with A)the destruction of other people’s things B)Having something nice, but not respecting it C)the taking for granted of things that you have. Doom Day had arrived and it arrived in the form of disciplining those brothers of yours like they have never been disciplined before. It was about a 2 hour ordeal. It started with the both of them crying, the explaining of what they did, the why, the reasoning behind it, the apologizing to your Nana and Papa, to each other, and to me. It ended with the 3 of us in a circle. I took in a deep breath. “Do you understand, why you got into so much trouble tonight? I want to hear your explanation of it.” They both gave a very detailed explanation. “I cannot have this. Do you understand how hard it was for me to get on that boat today? How all I wanted to do was have a nice day with you and all I did was break up your arguing and fighting the entire day. I am so sad. I am so sad all the time. I didn’t want to be sad today. I was trying so hard just to have a good day with you. But then all the fighting. It makes me so sad. You are brothers. I cannot have you treating each other this way.” They said they knew. That they were sorry. That they knew what they had done (destroying the others bike) was wrong. “You boys are going to make mistakes in your life. Lots of them. I understand that. I am o.k. with that as long as you learn from your mistakes. You are learning a lesson now. And the ONLY reason, I am not putting you both back on a plane to Arizona right now, is because you told the truth about what happened. You owned up to it, you apologized, and you promised to learn from it. If you would have lied about any of this, we would be leaving tomorrow.”

I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I broke. I started sobbing. “Why don’t you ever talk about him? I know you miss him. I know you love him. You never talk about Ronan and it kills me. I miss him so much. I know you do too. He is a part of our family. He will always be a part of our family. I am so scared, that you are going to forget him. Please, please start talking to me about him. I know you are so confused and have so many questions. I am your mom. I love you so much. You can talk to me about anything. I don’t want you to be scared, to talk about Ronan. We need to talk about Ronan. Please!” Now all 3 of us were crying. “I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I miss him so much. I am so sorry this happened to us.” I grabbed them both and held on to them tightly for a bit. Liam got up. I grabbed him. “You. I am so worried about you. I watch you, Liam and the way you hold everything in. You are kind of like me in that way. You can’t hold it in. I know you have all of these feelings in there. I am your mom. I am here for you, for whatever you need to talk about. I love you so much. Please know that you can come to me, with anything.” He wiped away his tears and said o.k., gave me a hug and went downstairs. Quinn stayed upstairs and he soon fell asleep with me whispering in his ear, clinging on to your GiGi. He is all wrapped up in it now.

If I had any Ambien it would be an Ambien overdose night for sure. Kidding. Kind of. That’s my way of being dramatic. But about 6 months ago, I’ll bet you it would have been. I don’t do well with hard days like this as all they make me want to do, is check out forever. But forever doesn’t help kick cancer’s ass or raise your brothers so I know I need to be done with that little plan of destruction. I am. But I hate days like today. They are too hard, without you.

This is all for tonight, little one. I miss you too much to write anymore. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am so very sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

I also had to post Derrick’s amazing catch. So proud of our little man, who is no longer little:( When did that happen?

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILDWdTMsan4