Yay! Awesome! Best 4th of July, EVER!!!! (bullshit)


Ronan. 4th of July is over baby. I’m still here. Quinn is sleeping in the middle of my bed and Macy is on the other side of him. I made it through today, by the skin of my teeth. I woke up this morning and went for a run with Macy. Well, kind of. She ran on the beach and a I ran along the bay. She went into town to get us coffees after and braved the madness of Coronado. I couldn’t handle it. We didn’t go to the parade this year, but Macy saw some of the action. She saw the Clonetroopers, Master Yoda, and some other Star Wars characters. I am glad I didn’t see that, as I’m sure my reaction would have been horrific. Macy would have had to carry me back home. After I finished my run, I came back upstairs to your Nana, Daddy, and brothers who had cooked breakfast. I wasn’t hungry, but ate a little fruit and some eggs just to get everyone off my case. We got showered and Quinn headed down to the beach with Nana and Macy, and I headed to the tennis courts with Liam and your daddy. It was really warm here today, but the tennis was still fun. Your brothers are both naturals. I think I need to get them signed up for lessons. I tried to act like I was really good and kept talking smack to your daddy about how I wasn’t trying, which is why I wasn’t playing well. UGH. Turns out, I am not that great at tennis. And I am pretty much good at every sport. Tennis is not one of them. I’m o.k with that. I’m happy to admit that your daddy totally kicked my butt today. It’s a fun sport though and we had a fun time playing. It meant a lot to Liam.

We headed down to the beach where we met up with The Kotaliks and 50,000 other people. The beach was packed head to toe with people everywhere. I was soon annoyed by all the drunken idiots and we packed up our things and left. No, today I was not in the mood to watch a 60-year-old man with his shirt off, drunk, and dancing to “Jessie’s Girl.” Sorry, but I just wasn’t feeling it. The whole being wasted in front of your kids thing really bothers me. I just don’t get it and it makes me sad. The same thing applies to smoking. Last night, I was waiting outside a restaurant with Macy, Liz and Heather. There was a mom crossing the street, carrying her Louis Vuitton bag, with her young kids walking beside her. She was SMOKING in front of them, just casually in the middle of Coronado. I have become so sensitive to the whole smoking thing that people CHOOSE to do; but to do it in front of your kids…. that’s just taking it to a whole new level. I made Macy chase her down just to prove that I was not just seeing things. I should have handed her one of your little bracelets and told her how you died of cancer at 3 and not by the fate of your own hands. Maybe then, she would have decided to stop smoking and maybe you would have saved her life and the life of those kids’ mommy. Because if you smoke long enough people…. pretty much sure you will die of lung cancer if you don’t die of something else first. Plus, not to mention what it does to your skin, teeth, nails, and breath. That is just foul.  And rude. And I don’t care if I’m judging because my son died of cancer and the fact that you people are here, roaming the earth, and harming your bodies, upsets me. Your body is a temple. Treat it like one! I know if Ronan would have had the chance to grow up, he would have never harmed his little body as he learned such a hard lesson as to what it means to live a healthy life. What a gift it is. He would have been so grateful and thankful for his chance to live his life. But he didn’t get a chance. He had his chance stolen away by something that was not his fault or his choice. Fuck cancer. And fuck cigarettes. And fuck drunk parents who drink in front of their kids, get wasted, and totally embarrass them in a restaurant.

I witnessed all of this stuff tonight and I had no tolerance for it. All I could think about while I tried to eat a few bites of my chicken taco at the mexican food restaurant, was how much I missed Ronan. I have the best picture of him from a couple of years ago…. 4th of July weekend where we were sitting down in the restaurant tonight and he was chowing down on a chicken taco. I wanted to be time warped back to that moment so badly. Instead, I sat and cried, watched my mom and Macy cry as the idiot family next to us continued to suck back drink after drink with their young kids around. They got really loud and the kids were mortified. I see things like this all the time now that you are gone Ronan. People who take so much for granted in life. I would have given anything to have had you in that restaurant tonight and I would not have wasted my time with you by getting drunk. I would have been the doting mom, I always was to you… to make sure you had eaten enough, and that your brothers were o.k. I would have had a hard time sitting still as you always kept me on my toes. That was so more than enough for me. I was so happy to play that role. I’m so pissed that role is gone now. I, of course get to play it with Liam and Quinn, but it’s not the same. They are independent enough that if I leave for a couple of hours they are fine with it and I am fine because I’m not worried about them. If you were here with us, you know I would have a hard time even being away for an hour from you. Because you would have only been 4 and a 4-year-old requires so much more than 8 year olds do. I missed you so much in that restaurant tonight that at one point I thought I was going to hyperventilate. We left in a hurry to get out of there and headed to meet Auntie Karen and the girls to watch the fireworks from her patio.

Coronado has the best fireworks. Remember them from a couple of years ago, Ro? You were 2 and we had the best seats in the house, right on the terrace by our condo. Tonight, the fireworks just made me sad. I found myself wondering if you could see them from where you are. Wondered who you were watching them with. I wondered who was taking care of you. Are you brushing your teeth? Are your fingernails getting clipped? What p.j.’s are you wearing?? I wonder if you are sad that you don’t have GiGi with you, because we kept it here with us. I wonder these things all the time. Who is doing MY job for you??? I don’t care who it is, because it is just wrong. Nobody should be doing these things for you except me. I need you to come back. I need you to make the most impossible thing in the world, possible. I NEED YOU BACK. We all do. Everyone is so sad, Ronan. So sad all the time. Nobody is handling this well. The only thing that will fix this is you. Somebody just needs to drop you off on our doorstep tomorrow and say they are so sorry, that this was all an experiment and that you are perfectly fine and healthy. My mind is so far gone, that I can almost make myself believe that it is a possibility that it could happen. You know what else my mind is trying to do to me??? I think the pain of having you gone is so intense that my mind is trying to trick me into thinking you never existed. That you were simply a figment of my imagination. I think my mind is going into protection mode and it is trying to make me think I made you all up. That you were never mine. That I didn’t have the most perfect little boy for almost 4 years. It almost convinced me yesterday. I had to stop and ask myself several times if you were really real. My mind is tying to make me forget you because the pain of having you gone is too much. I am aware of what it is doing, but it takes me a couple of seconds to form a memory of you to prove my mind wrong. You were real. You did exist. You were my best friend. You were my other half. You loved me. I loved you. Remember that time I was training for the NYC Marathon and you were about 2 years old?? I loved you so much and you loved me so much that we didn’t want to be separated for my Saturday morning training run of 13 miles, so I just put you in the jogger and ran with you the whole way. You were so content and happy because you knew it was me pushing you and we were together. I felt so blessed and lucky to have you with me. I’ll never forget that day… you hardly made a peep.

I had to take your daddy to the airport tonight. I was sad to drop him off. He was sad to leave us. After I dropped him, the tears started flooding down my face. I said to myself, please let a good song come on the radio so I can stop crying and blast the music. Oh hello, my little friend Ronan. Not 2 seconds later, a Prince song came on. You know, my all time favorite, artist, before he went all crazy and totally changed his music. It was an oldie but a goodie. “Erotic City.” You know I blasted that as loud as I could and laughed the whole time it was on. It could not have been a more perfect song to have come on. If it would have been something like, “Wind Beneath my Wings,” I would have totally driven my car off of the Coronado Bridge. Thanks for that today, Ro. Best song ever;)

I know I haven’t written in a few days and I’m sorry. I’ve been totally absorbed in the people around me. Your brothers, your daddy, your Nana, New York Miss Macy, Liz,  Auntie Karen, Olivia, and Liz’s friend, Heather. We have been doing things like playing tennis, having movie nights, some intense board game nights… I had a night out with Macy, Liz and Heather last night that was much needed. Innocent, girly, bonding time. We watched dolphins at the beach during sunset, had pizza, held hands, laughed, and cried from laughing so hard. These long days and night where I am all consumed with people make me exhausted by the time I get to bed. I’ve just kind of needed a break from staying up so late to write to you. I feel guilty about it too. I know h0w silly that is, but it’s though this writing to you that I still feel so connected. I feel like you know what I am saying and I don’t like the days that I don’t write and you have to miss out on what I am saying or the things I want to share with you. I know I talk to you all day in my head, but so much more comes out when I write it.

O.k. little bug. It’s 3 a.m. and I’m supposed to get up for yoga at 8 tomorrow. I told Macy tonight that I feel like my body needs an exorcism or something. Everything feels off. Everything is sore, tight, tense, and I feel like I have a ton of toxins in my body although I don’t see how that’s possible. I’ve been living off of humus and cauliflower. As well as prescription meds so maybe that could be part of it too…. I told her I think I need acupuncture or something. Everything is off. Even my run was off today. Boo for that. Tomorrow is a new day. Yoga may be the answer. We shall see, my love. Ronan. You know how much I love you. You know how much I miss you. You know how hard I am trying to be strong and it is SO hard. I will keep trying and I will never stop missing you so much that it hurts. That will last forever. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you are safe.


13 responses to “Yay! Awesome! Best 4th of July, EVER!!!! (bullshit)”

  1. You made it through the holiday weekend. You are doing really well, it has not even been two months. I’m glad you are having girl time as well as family time. Today is going to be a good day. Yoga should be great for you. Also watching all all the clean up today will be good for the soul. Our thoughts are with you and your entire family. All our love and hopes of a good day are with you. Enjoy have Macy, Nana and the Kotaliks with you.

  2. I’m glad you’ve been absorbed in all the people around you. That’s a blessing. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I think Ronan is safe and healthy and you will see him again 🙂 God bless Maya!!! Hope today is filled with good things for you!

  3. We have troubles all around us,
    but we are not defeated.
    We do not know what to do,
    but we do not give up the hope of living.
    We are persecuted,
    but God does not leave us.
    We are hurt sometimes,
    but we are not destroyed.”
    2 Corinthians 4:8-9
    I found this verse for you today Maya. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you. God bless…

  4. I had no idea you lived around here Maya. Am I blind? It’s odd because we were in PB recently and I thought of you and Ronan when I saw a hummingbird on the board walk walking with my kids. Small world. 🙂 Thinking of you!

  5. Maya,
    I was looking through your pictures again and saw that some of them were dated around this time last year. I see pictures of your healthy, happy Ro and can’t believe that it was only one year ago that you had the perfect life. I am one of those people that tend to reflect on the past and say things like, “wow, 3 months ago XXX or one week ago XXX”.I am so sad for you and I wish that you could go back one year. It’s not fair and there are no good words.

    Thinking of you and your family every day.

  6. Beautiful pictures and beautiful memories too, with your boys. Luv and Hugs

  7. I just love your blog…. wishing you peace sweetie : )

  8. Melissa Vendt Avatar
    Melissa Vendt

    I just wanted to let you know that I am reading and will continue to read your blog entries…while I don’t know you all personally and I only learned of Ronan near the very end of his Earthly battle, I feel that I must follow your journey in HONOR of his courage and LIFE. Love to you all–and screw the person who told you NOONE is reading. Ronan’s life was real and made a REAL difference to MANY MANY people, people who did not even KNOW him or his AMAZING family. Love to each of you…and prayers for peace and tiny bits of true JOY every once in a while. It is what he would want for you (and all of us supporting you in love, thoughts and prayers) but it still doesn’t make it any easier to achieve.

  9. Maya,

    So glad you made it through the 4th of July with your loved ones, family and friends.

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ronan!! xo

  10. Hi Maya, I’ve read many times about how little you want to eat and that is so understandable, but you’ve mentioned again here that your body feels toxic and off…I know of an INCREDIBLE product made by Isagenix that is all organic and completely cleanses your body of all the toxins all while the same time filling your body full of all the vitamins and minerals most people are missing from their diet. The great thing about it is you have two shakes a day, snacks if you want and 1 small meal. On your cleanse days you drink the cleansing product all day, for up to 2 days. The stuff is incredible. It has literally changed my body inside out and I feel amazing. If you are interested please look into it, I think it would be a perfect fit for you. Isagenix. Please let me know if you have any other questions. I think of your baby Ronan and your entire family everyday and we are all pulling for you. Keep fighting Maya. 😉

  11. Heather Miller Avatar
    Heather Miller

    You and your family are absolutely amazing. I had the best time this weekend getting to know all of you– and where better than Coronado?! Sad that I had to leave so soon, but hopefully I will make it back over sometime over the next couple weeks…maybe then we can actually get on a boat 😉 Although prior to this weekend I hadn’t met you personally, I often read your blog and kept you and your family in my prayers. I cannot imagine the feelings that are flooding your body. I admire your strength, courage and passion. I know it may feel as if you are stuck deep in a trench that you cannot climb out of…but you are not alone. Continue to share your thoughts and feelings because everyone needs someone to be there to understand, to listen and to cry with us.
    We are here with you and you will get through this.
    Continue to find who you are, find what you love and keep doing the things that bring that beautiful smile to your face. While you do these things remember Ronan with joy and love.

    keep your strength and keep your faith. xoxo

  12. Hi Maya. My name is Darcy and I stumbled onto your blog after the Taylor Swift Performance on SU2C. What a beautiful song for your beautiful boy. Well I wanted to express to you that on this day, July 5, 2011, My Husband of 9 years died at 7:19 am, after an awesome 4th the day before. He was 31. Joshua Andrew Coffta kissed our 4 year old Aiden Brian and 1 yr old Andrew Jonah goodnight and started to fall asleep on the couch. I tucked him into bed and kissed HIM good night and told him I Love You and I’ll see you in the morning before he goes to work. I had slept on the couch bc 1 he snores like a giant truck and 2 I was breast feeding at the time and our bed sat snug against the wall in our small apt. Well his alarm rang and he never woke up. Lips Blue, but legs warm. I gave CPR while calling 911 but I already new he was already gone. My Dad cried and pumped on his chest until rescue got there, and I slipped out the front door to call my BFF and then call his parents. That is a phone call that should never have to be made. His father couldn’t understand me bc I was screaming and I think he thought my dad died as he was staying with us bc of his dire health issues.
    Then as my BFF Jennie held me as I rocked outside and he pulled up and came over to rub my back, his poor face turned such a shade of white and he dropped to his knees when he saw my dad walk outside. No parent should EVER EVER EVER loose a CHILD before there time to die. It is unnatural and an unspeakable pain There are no words invented in the dictionary that can describe or soothe that horrible pain. My heart was already broken but explaining that and seeing that was harder than explaining that to the kids 2 days later that they would never see him again. Fortunately the boys slept thru the commotion and we got them to where they needed to be.
    Long Story Short, I know not the pain of losing a child but I know the pain of losing a husband and either way, your stories with them were not finished. It’s like your TIVO screwed up and forgot to record the last hour of the movie you were watching..And it was never going to be on again and there was no chance in hell of you finding out what was going to happen next or learned the end.
    Oh Maya, my thoughts are about you, not with you. You can’t read my mind, haha. I just wanted to let you know that on this very day I felt a black hole of endless, unyielding pain. The songs you dedicate are the same ones I listen to as well. We Fell in love during the Iris song and he downloaded Breathe when it was too new to find and Fix You has been Such a staple on my playlist to run to, especially during the fast part.
    Thank you for sharing your beyond fucked up story that no one should have to tell.
    With Love and Endless Compassion,
    Darcy Coffta

  13. Maya, the blog that you posted above makes me so grateful. My mom and I, well, we don’t fight, but we disagree sometimes and get this // close to arguing. We haven’t yet, but when that happens, there is an uncomfortable silence between us, and I think it makes both of us mad and sad. I don’t know what goes on in her head, but I always think something like this:

    Why doesn’t she give a crap about what I think?
    I always listen to her!
    Just because I got a B+ on my report card in one class doesn’t give her the authority to even TEASE me that I really could be doing better.
    I’m the oldest, blah blah blah, I should let Sophie do this instead of me.

    After reading all about you, and Ro Baby’s battle, it makes me sad to think that. Those problems are miniscule compared to yours. Then I get mad at myself, and these are times when I think about Ronan the most, although now I do spend A LOT of time thinking of him.
    So from now on, I’ll try not to let myself get mad at Mom, because I now understand that she does in every way love me, and I do too. I love your blog, not only because of yours and Ro’s love story, but because it seriously helps a twelve year old girl’s mind think like a mom. I really need that. Sending prayers tonight. 🙂

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