13 months without you and 9 years with Liam and Quinn

 

 

Ronan. Turns out, I don’t do so well, in Coronado. I don’t think I did so well here last year, and I don’t think I’m doing so well here, this year either. It just dawned on me, a few days ago as to why. It dawned on me, while I had been sitting in bed for the entire day, watching one certain video of you, over and over again. The video is of you, when you were maybe almost two. I shot it right out in front of the beach that we have been playing at every single day, since getting here. It might just be one of my most favorite videos I have of you. Where you are sitting in the sand, you take a handful of it, shove it in your mouth and eat it. I yelled to you, “Ewwww, Ronan!!! Don’t eat the sand!” You looked me dead in the eye, and shoved some more sand in your mouth and ate it, again. I love that you ate the sand. I love so much, that you ate the sand, again, even when I told you not to. I cannot come back to Coronado again, next year. I cannot keep coming to the same place, that we used to take you every year, without you. Not having you here, and trying to make all these new memories in the very same spot I spent so much time with you, is not happening. It’s making me sick to my stomach. I keep looking for you in the pool that I used to watch you swim in, the beach that we used to run on, the grass we used to play in, and you are just not here. This is the last summer that we will come here. I cannot do this again.

I have been taking your brothers across the street every day to play basketball. And I’m not the kind of mom, who just sits on the bench and watches them play. I’ve been playing with them. Engaging, encouraging, running, and jumping with them. Doing it all when it takes everything I have, to do all of this. I was doing fine, until a mom came into the empty gym with her 3 boys. An older boy who was about your brothers age and twin boys who looked to be about 3. I was doing fine, until this mom started playing with her 3 boys too. I looked over at them, laughing and shooting the basketball. I tried my best to ignore them. I was getting ready to make a sweet lay-up, and all of a sudden, I felt like I no longer had the attention of your brothers as I could feel their eyes, elsewhere. I stopped what I was doing to see why it was that nobody was guarding me or trying to block my shot. My eyes fell over to Liam and Quinn. They both looked like they were in a trance and were stopped dead in their tracks, watching this mom and her 3 boys. I did my, “Hey, you guys! I’m going to score on you!” But they both didn’t budge an inch. They were totally engrossed in this mom and her 3 sons. I wanted so slit my wrists, right then and there. I tried to throw my basketball so hard into the backboard, that is shattered the glass, everywhere. That plan didn’t work. That glass is pretty resistant. You know what isn’t resistant? The palpable pain in your brothers eyes. The way I swear I could see your reflection, in their eyes due to the way they both miss you, so much. I did my best to distract the situation at hand and it took everything I had not to just stop and scream at the top of my lungs, ” HEY! LIAM AND QUINN! STOP STARING AT THAT MOM AND HER 3 BOYS! JUST STOP! I KNOW THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN US! I KNOW I PROMISED YOU THAT RONAN WOULDN’T DIE! I KNOW RONAN WAS OUR ENTIRE WORLD! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS HIM! I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING! I AM SO SORRY NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME! I AM SO SORRY WE ARE ALL SO SAD AND WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM! BUT PLEASE, STOP STARING AT WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND WHAT WILL NEVER BE AGAIN! PLEASE! IT’S KILLING ME!” I didn’t yell that. I gathered your brothers up instead and we left the gym. We came home, I fed them lunch, and then they went off to play with your cousins at the beach. I stayed behind and sunk into bed for the rest of the day. I think I’ve been in bed, off and on, for days now. I’ve been going for some runs, here and there. I’ve been surfing a little. I’ve been crying a lot. Quinn asked why I’ve been sleeping so much. I’ve been sleeping a lot more than normal. I guess not as much sleeping, but more laying in bed, crying. I woke up crying this morning. Your daddy wanted to know what was wrong. I told him the same as always, but today my sadness seemed extra heavy. It wasn’t until half way through the day, that I realized that today is the 9th. 13 months now, since you’ve been gone.

Today, is your brothers 9th birthday. I cannot even believe, it’s been 9 years since I had them. They have grown up so fast, in the best and worst way possible. The best being that up until losing you, they had the best life possible. Since losing you, they have had to grow up in a way that one should never have to grow up. They are more insightful, compassionate, and wise beyond their years due to watching their little brother get cancer, and then die from it. I would not wish their wise beyond their years ways, on anybody. We all did the best we could do today. It was actually an o.k. day and your brothers seemed to have a great birthday. Thankfully, they have your cousins here to take away some of the sadness. They spent the day playing basketball, video games, swimming, and now they are all tucked in having a sleepover and watching a movie. We all dropped your daddy off at the airport tonight as he had to go back to Phoenix. It’s always extra sad when he goes. He won’t be back until next week so I’ll have to figure out a way, to find my pretend happiness while he is away. I cannot just lay in bed, crying all day as your daddy is not here to take your brothers off and away so they don’t see that. Thankfully, your New York Miss Macy is coming in on Thursday for a few days. I can be guaranteed some happiness on the days that she is here. She is the sunshine in my life that always makes everything better. The days are less gloomy when she is here. A true gift from you indeed.

This is all I can write tonight. I’m tired from the day. Happy Birthday to your brothers. I am so lucky to be their mama. They are the best things that I have left in my life, besides your daddy. I love you. I miss you. I wish you could have been with us tonight. I tried not to cry as I watched them blow out their candles. Everything they do, is a reminder to me, of what you are not here to do. I’m sorry, baby boy. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

A tutu, mustache wearing, dance party, hike with a little badass Bee

Ronan. I cooked the eggies this morning. And the sausage. And bacon. Fruit. I had croissants that Rita gave me last night, but I forgot to take them out of your daddy’s car. They were the kind that are frozen and you leave them out over night, to rise. Your daddy called me this afternoon. “Did Rita give you croissants or something last night?” “Yeah! I can’t find them!” I said. “They are in the back of my car. They are rising as we speak. I’ll run them home for you.”

I chuckled. Grief brain. What an asshole it is. I cooked them anyway for your brothers. They were an awesome afternoon snack for them. I felt like a good mom for not burning them. I played baseball with your brothers, too. I tried really hard to be a good mom today. I’m exhausted from it all. It was a long day of missing you.

I ran around and got some things done this morning. I met up with Mandy Bee. She has been gone a lot so I have not seen much of her. I miss her and the ability she has to make me forget about all this pain for a bit. Even if it’s only for a few hours. I told her I had to get my hike in for the day. She offered to come, even though she had already done some crazy work out early in the morning. I told her I would love for her to come with me. We both decided that we needed to hike in our tutu’s today. We ran to her house and got hers and then met back up at our house. We drove to the mountain and went on probably one of the best hikes I’ve had since you’ve been gone. We bolted up the mountain for 90 minutes of pure craziness. We went on a different trail with music from her iPhone blaring, and we full on had a dance party the whole way to the top. I laughed. I wore my mustache sunglasses. I didn’t cry hiking that mountain today with Mandy Bee. I got lost in the world that she creates for me which is either really, really sad when I need it to be. Or else it is really, really happy. In the craziest way possible. We looked like we were nuts today. It felt good to look nuts and not in the way that I normally look hiking that mountain with red eyes and black mascara running down my face. The break from that was much needed, especially after last nights heavy-hearted hike. I know I desperately need more days like today where I am able to laugh and let go. They don’t come very often but when they do…. watch out. They make me feel like I am on top of the world with you right by my side, holding my hand. My best days always remind me of you.

I did not decide on our trip today. I am procrastinating in a big way.  I deserved today. I just could not deal with the pressure of making any big decisions about fucking May. Maybe tomorrow.

Short post tonight, baby doll. The little sleep I had last night is hitting me. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite. Sweet dreams

xoxo

For you, I swear.

Ronan. It’s days like today, that scare the shit out of me…. because they do not. I don’t have ANYTHING I’m scared of anymore. I have things I worry about, of course. Obsessively. But fear does not register anymore. It’s weird to live so freely, yet so contained. My mind is going a million miles an hour today, with no end in sight. I feel like I’m on that carnival ride, the Tilt a Whirl, and I cannot get off. Life is just spinning, spinning, spinning…. everything is out of control, moving so quickly, and never slowing down or stopping when it should be. You died. The world should have ended too. It would have made sense to me, if it did. The pain I feel from losing you is so great, that I feel as if everyone else should be feeling it too. I know there are people, who are feeling a great deal of sadness from losing you. People you didn’t even know. People who you did know. Like your Godmama, Tricia Boo. Whom I sat with and had frozen yogurt with. I sat in the dark with her and listened to her tell me how she went out on Friday night because she is young, gorgeous, single, and that is exactly what she SHOULD be doing. She sat and cried to me and told me how guilty she felt about going on, about living life, because she never wants me to think for a second that she is not thinking of you, how unfair this all is, and how fucked up everything turned out. She sat there and tried to justify the happiness that she should be feeling, but she just is not because she is so jaded by this world. It hurt me to hear her say these things because all I want for her is to live her life, without having to worry that I think she is being disrespectful. I took some time to sit quietly with what she was saying to me and I finally just looked at her and told her I basically never wanted to hear those words, come out of her mouth again. That I never want her to worry that she could be offending me or hurting me, because she could not. And if she ever did, I would let her know. I told her how I know how much she loves you and she does not need to prove anything to me. Ever. I told her I am aware of the friends in our lives, who your death has affected so deeply. How by because of what we have gone through, their lives have changed, even in the smallest way. I notice it. I am aware of it. I am thankful for it. Not thankful for your death of course, but thankful for the way I am watching all of my little flowers bloom around me, because of the love they have for you. For us. I don’t need any of my little flowers worrying about being happy or having a great life. They were all meant to, Ro. They were meant to because you were part of their worlds and you affected them in such a way, that they will become more beautiful, because of you. What a gift you have given all of us.

So to all of my Tricia Boo’s, my Little M’s, my Susie’s, my Macy’s….. stop it. Stop apologizing for things that you do not need to apologize for. You all have proven yourselves more than I could have ever asked for. My Macy… I’ve been meaning to tell you to stop apologizing for not calling me on the 4 months of Ronan’s death. He loved you so much. That in itself means you are my sister forever. Nothing you do or forget to do, will ever change the way I feel for you. I expect you all to live your lives, just the way you are. As being the best versions of yourselves and being happy and thankful, because you know what it truly means to have been loved by Ronan. If there ever comes a time, that I am hurt or mad, and that day may come….. And it could be over somethings as silly as the time that I yelled at Tricia because I said she abandoned me, and then she and Macy ended up tracking me down on Camelback Mountain; because they were so upset over my words. What happened then? Tricia grabbed me, we cried, hugged, and apologized. But we were honest with each other and it only made us closer. You know what else happened? Macy flashed everyone she passed with the skirt she was wearing as she tried to hike up the mountain, in sandals. It made me laugh and love those two more than I ever thought possible. I know, Ro, who is true. So do you. That is the reason our lives are filled with the most beautiful people on the face of the planet. And I’m not exaggerating. If you are in our lives, there is a reason why…. so stop worrying, second guessing, thinking you have offended me or hurt my feelings. I promise you, I will let you know.

I fell asleep late last night. Once again, the thought of falling asleep without having you to kiss goodnight, is worse than any nightmare that I could ever have. I fell asleep but did the usual tossing and turning. I remember a bit of my dreams, but not much. I remember it had to do with the locket I have, that I put some of your ashes in. Somebody, and I cannot remember who, took my locket and threw it into a fire. I remember screaming hysterically and thinking that I was burning you all over again and you were going to be able to feel it. It was an awful dream, Ro. I’m so sorry. I woke up today, so tired from my restless night. I bounced out of bed anyway. I had a meeting to go to. A meeting that I’m not going to go into too much detail about because it is personal. And I don’t know if this person is o.k. with me blabbing about the things we discussed today. I know how to tip toe around things when I need to, as I don’t want to scare people off. I know I walk a fine line with the responsibility that comes along with this blog, but for as much as I am all about honesty….I do want to be respectful of others. Let’s just say, I met with a mom today. An amazing mom who knows what it is like to walk in my shoes. She took the time to meet with me, listen to me, hold my hand, to cry with me; but she also took the time to tell me this is livable. Her marriage survived. She still has her other kids, who have turned out to be amazing kids. She told me how she knows what the lowest of the lows are, but when the highs come along, they are unbelievable. She didn’t sugar coat a thing, which you know I love. I love to meet other people who are open and honest; it makes my heart happy. It’s funny throughout all of this, the people I am meeting. The people whom I feel like I’ve known my whole life, even though I have not. It was so easy to feel a connection with this mom today, because of the fucked up club we are in together. She is a firecracker, like me. She is a fighter, like me. She is ready to go to War. She is willing to do whatever it takes to help me get this message across. She is ready for the Sea of Gold, that is going to come. I know this is going to take some time, but it is coming. I will stop at nothing to make sure of this. And I love all of you, for being on board as well. Thank you.

After my meeting, I came home and went to meet Inferno Fuckwad Bob, at Camelback Mountain. Man, he was messing with my head today. I climbed that mountain, in the heat of the day, while dealing with him, screaming in my head. I have now convinced myself that everyone I know, is either sick, dying or leaving me. Ronan, you had to leave me…. so who is next? This is what Inferno Fuckwad Bob, is trying to convince me of. He’s doing a pretty good job because I spent a majority of the day, screaming and crying. I ran down Camelback at an insane speed. I fell hard, didn’t feel an ounce of pain, got back up and screamed to the world, “This is the best you can do!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!” I fell. Just like we all do sometimes do in life, all the time. I made a choice today. I could have cried out in pain and carefully continued down the mountain, watching my every step, tending to my bloody hands, bruised ass, and jacked up ankle; but I didn’t. I got back up, laughed, screamed, had someone ask me if I was alright, said “Yes, thank you,” and I ran my ass the rest of the way down to the bottom. Fuck you, Cancer. I hate you so much, that you make me stronger than I ever knew I was capable of being. I remember driving in the car, sobbing, and screaming out loud to you how sorry I was. I swore on my life, the life that I don’t want anymore, that I would not stop advocating for Childhood Cancer until people start to become aware and a major shift comes. I swore that to you today, out loud and I will not let you down, Ro. I don’t care if this does not happen until I am on my death bed, at 100 years old. It’s going to fucking happen. I have to take this anger I feel for losing you and turn it into something good. I HAVE TO, Ro. You were so gorgeous Ronan, that I know you will end up making this disease, which is so dark and ugly, into something beautiful. Something that people will no longer ignore. I know we will make this happen, together. Just you and me, Ro. Forever.

I love you little man. I’ve got to pick up your brothers soon from the airport. I miss you a million times a day. I love you more than you will ever know. I hope you are safe. I hope you were never scared. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so, so sorry, Baby Doll.

xoxo

Because Kids get Cancer, too.

 

Ronan. September 1st. Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. How many people out there, are aware? Not enough. Or if they are aware, they are choosing to ignore it. Assholes. If everyone was AWARE and not IGNORING it, you may still be here. I truly believe that. Was I that unaware Asshole? Totally. Do I wish I still were? If it meant having you here? Absolutely. I would give anything to have you back. You know this. I would sell my soul do the Devil in a heartbeat. It would be so much better than being trapped here, without you. But someone else had other ideas. I don’t like it, but I have to start to accept it; a bit more and more, everyday.

Otherwise, I am going to turn into that bitter mama who is mad at the world. Who has EVERY right to be mad at the world and to turn her back on everything. I don’t want to end up this way, but sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier than to continue on this fight. I know I don’t have a choice, Ro. I know I have to make a difference even when people tell me that I DON’T have a responsibility to anyone but myself, your brothers and your daddy. I know this is not true. I know I still have a responsibility to you. I have to make a difference because this is what you would have wanted. I know you want me to find a bigger purpose in this world than just worrying about if my ass looks big in my LuLu Lemon gym shorts and what to cook for fucking dinner. I know you want me to leave your mark, everywhere. I have no choice but to honor you in the biggest way I can. That means that I will fight this fight until people start to listen. Until huge companies, start to honor Childhood Cancer, the way they do Breast Cancer. Until people stop turning their cheeks because it can’t happen to them. Fuck you. It can. I hope it NEVER does. But I hope if it does, you never have to walk in my shoes because I am going blaze the trails so that Childhood Cancer does start to get the attention and funding that it deserves. So that one day, there WILL be a CURE. So beautiful families, don’t have to watch helplessly as their child dies even after they have done all they can do. The best they could have done. The best will never be enough, because you still died, Ro. I will always feel the guilt of this inside of me. I will never understand why my love was not enough to save you. It should have been. But it wasn’t because Childhood Cancer is that ugly. That real. That scary, that it can change everything in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry. If you choose to ignore it, it cannot happen to you. Bullshit. I am like a flashing, neon sign now people. If you cannot stand to hear this story, because it is too sad, than stop reading, because you are NOT worthy of knowing this beautiful love story. You are not worthy of watching the beauty that is going to come out of losing the most beautiful boy in the world. If you are strong enough to be here, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love each and every one of you. I need your help, more than ever. You are all going to help in this fight for Ronan and thousands of other children, who deserve a voice. I feel so blessed that Ronan has touched your lives, even if many of you did not know him. If you are not going to be the loudest cheerleader for me, Ro, or thousands of other precious kids who are going through this…. just knowing that you feel like I have made you love your babies, your family, friends, appreciate the little things more…. still means so much to me. Just knowing that it is because of my Ro, that you feel this way… makes me feel like I am capable of making this world a better place.

I know I have a big job ahead of me, but I feel as if my head is becoming a little clearer, more and more everyday. I feel like the fog is being lifted. I’ve stopped all of my medications. All of them. Even the sleepy meds. Cold Turkey, YO! Just because everyone told me I couldn’t do it, and I shouldn’t do it. Well, I did. I am finally starting to feel free again. I am taking Melatonin to help me sleep. I should have listened to my Mr. Sparkly Eyes at the beginning of all of this as he was always suggesting it. Of course, I had to learn the hard way. Thank GOD for Stacy and for bringing that bottle over to my house the other night. Don’t get me wrong…. my sleep is still not wonderful. I still toss and turn. I still wake up, screaming and crying for you. I am still having very vivid, and mostly awful dreams. But it’s not any worse than it was while I was on my prescription sleeping pills. And at least this Melatonin, is a natural substance. I am a fighter and I will fight though this. I refuse to become one of those moms who ends up going through something awful and becoming addicted to prescription meds. No judgement at all. I just know that is not for me. It is not the way I want to live this life. I want to feel, as painful as it may be. I don’t want to be numb.

I’m in the best place I can be, as of now. It’s not good and I know this. I know I am being hard on myself which is why I’ve named this phase of grief, the Phase of Torture. I am doing a lot of things that are not good for me. Not eating, pushing myself on my Inferno Hikes, throwing up a lot if I do eat, second guessing everything we did for you, mentally beating myself up…… But I am here, I am getting up out of bed, I am being a good mom to your brothers, I am being honest, I am going to a lot of therapy, I am feeling. I AM FEELING. I have not felt for a very long time. I was numb and in shock. I still have those feelings some days, but they are less and less.

Ro. I fell asleep about an hour or so ago, but now I am up again due to my dreams. I hate them. They never involve you, and they are always so scary, sad, and mean. Kind of like my everyday life without you now. Where are you and who is taking care of you? Who is brushing your teeth, rubbing your little back, and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to you? It’s not me. I hate this.

I’ve written to you for days now. Not being able to finish. I have too much to say, too little to say, too many scary things going through my mind, that I don’t want to say. I’m feeling tired, sad, and angry. I’m trying to do my best, to stay positive. Walking through this life without you by my side is utter torture. You spent 4 years attached to my hip. Trying to go on with you gone now, hurts so much. And some days, I just don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to be with you again. I’ll never understand, why it had to be you…. why did you have to be the one to be taken away. Who would be so cruel to do such a thing? I don’t want this life lesson. I don’t want to be grateful for all the little things because I don’t have you anymore. I just want you back. I think I may have to throw up now. We are all here, tucked away in our quiet house for the night. You are not with us anymore and everything about our lives is so different, in the most awful way. I wish I really had an arm missing, or half of my face…. anything but you.

This weekend has been a blur. Lots of family time. We had Kenny, Stacy and the kids over last night. Always good to be with them as they are like family and they just get it. They know how much we need them and they have been such amazing friends to us. I was in a foul mood, talking trash to your Daddy….. being a tough ass. I had a good talk with Stacy, who tried to reason with me a bit. There was no reasoning last night and I usually listen to her. I told her how I didn’t understand how I was just expected to go on and just go about normal things now. Like how could I possibly go on a trip with your Daddy in a few weeks? A trip. Are you fucking kidding me? This is a trip we’ve taken together for years now… and I am supposed to go in a few weeks. Is everyone on crack? This is NOT a normal year. Normal things do not exist yet. Will they ever again? No. But I need some time. I cannot just be thrown back into this life, and be expected to do things that I have done before, in the past, when you were among the living. You just left this earth. I am still here, and trying to figure out how to navigate my way through the fucking grocery store. How am I supposed to hop on a flight to Vegas in a few weeks??? It seems like a sick joke to me. I tried to go to the race tracks in Del Mar over the summer and almost had to be hauled off to the loony bin because I could not handle all the obnoxious people, smoking everywhere, in their stupid hats and clothes. And going to Vegas, during a normal year has never really been my cup of tea. I can stand that place for about 24 hours, on a good day. Can you imagine how I would freak out, going there this year…. it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. If I go, I’m going to wear a shirt that says something like, “My son just died, but let’s gamble anyway.” WTF people?!?! I just want to be left alone. I just want my time to grieve for you. I don’t want to go to Vegas, I don’t want Thanksgiving, I don’t want the weekends anymore, I don’t want to pretend like this is getting easier….. because it is not. Why is everyone acting like just because it’s been almost 4 months, that I need to be moving on, and starting to feel better. I WILL NEVER FEEL BETTER. That I can guarantee you. Do you know what a good day for me is like now? Let me just tell you. A good day now, is a day when my throat does not feel like it is going to close up and I am going to just suffocate to death. A good day is when I can actually swallow, without it hurting. A good day is when I can actually eat a meal, and keep it down. A good day is when I can put on a happy face, and check off some of the things on my shit list. I’ve come up with a new saying that I have adapted. Fake it till you make it. Yup. I’m faking it everyday that I am up out of bed and being productive because I don’t want to be at all. I don’t want any of this life without you.

Did you know Ro, that my mind is so distraught from losing you, that I cannot remember any happy memories of you? My mind cannot even go there. The PTSD is real and it is part of what I am going through now. I’ve talked to all of my therapists about it. They all agree.

 

PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories:

1. Re-experiencing symptoms:

  • Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
  • Bad dreams
  • Frightening thoughts.

Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.

2. Avoidance symptoms:

  • Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
  • Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past

Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

3. Hyperarousal symptoms:

  • Being easily startled
  • Feeling tense or “on edge”
  • Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.

Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.

It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem, they might be PTSD. Some people with PTSD don’t show any symptoms for weeks or months.

I relive what I went through with you, over and over through the day. I don’t have any other memories of you as of now, besides you being sick, you dying, and the love we had for each other. I am trying to work past this but as of now, I’m stuck. Maybe that’s why I cannot dream about you. I’m stuck in such an awful place in my mind, trapped in between awful memories, and my reality, which is Hell on Earth.

I went Inferno Hiking at 1:00 today. Nobody else was on the mountain. It was nice but I hardly remember any of it. I have decided that the reason I love it so much is because it is so painful. So hot that my socks burn the bottom of my heels. It is dangerous and it is the only time during my days that I have to let go of the memory of you not being here. When I am on my run, down the mountain, I have to stay so sharp, so focused on what I am doing…. because one wrong step and it is goodbye Maya, hello broken arm and face plant into the sharp, burning rocks. Bring it on.

I know you know about my intuition that I have had my entire life, Ro. But here is just another example. As I was driving home from The Inferno today, I started thinking about the neighbors that we brought flowers to, on your Random Day of Kindness. I was getting close to their house and I was beating myself up, because when we met them, they told us about their baby girl that they had lost. Their sweet baby girl, whom never even made it out of the hospital. I knew that she passed away sometime in August and I started getting really mad at myself because I could not remember the date, and I had really wanted to put a card in their mailbox, just to let them know I was thinking about them. It’s September now, so I knew that the time had passed and I was so disappointed at myself for forgetting. As soon as I got home, I parked the car and went to get the mail. I pulled it out, I saw a letter addressed to me, from our neighbors. That is weird, I thought to myself, as I had just spent the past 4 minutes, thinking obsessively about them and their baby girl. I ripped open the letter and it was from the wife. She had taken the time to write me a beautiful letter, more about who they are, who their kids are, and how the daughter that they lost, would have been 22 this year. I started to sob. It was such an honest, beautiful, and kind letter. She wrote to me about how she had read my blog before meeting me, and that I had seemed so strong from my words. But then when she saw me, face to face, that I seemed so fragile. She gets it. She knows why I look that way. It’s because she is a mother, who has lost her little girl. It’s almost like a secret handshake that we have. She can easily see the pain in my eyes, when others cannot. Getting that letter today, reminded me that for as fragile as I am…. I still cannot give up on this life. That I cannot give up on myself. I am on to something with the way I have some of these things in life figured out. I need to listen to my instincts a little more and trust in myself that the path that I am on, is going to lead me to where I was meant to go. As much as I want to fight this stupid life now… I have too much to go on for. You are still my number one reason for living. You are keeping me alive, Ronan. You will take me when you are ready and I just need to trust and believe in that. It is the only thing I trust and believe in anymore.

I’m going to go baby. This has turned into a novel. I hope it even makes sense. I love you so much. To the moon and back, forever and ever. Sweet dreams little one. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

This made me laugh. I will take a laugh wherever I can get it:)

 

I hate you, August 12th

Ronan. Is it August 12th yet? The day of your diagnoses? I’ll never forget that day. I can remember every single detail, so vividly. I remember sitting in the ER with you, waiting to get your CT scan. You were so mad at all the doctors and you wouldn’t let anyone touch you, until Dr. Katie came in. She was your saving grace and had such a way with you. She loved you so much right from the start. I would have never imagined this is where I would be sitting a year from now, writing to you, my baby boy who is no longer here. I remember sitting in the dark hospital room with you as the CT scan results came back and your daddy went out in the hallway so Dr. Cassidy could show him what they read. I remember waiting with you and thinking, it just has to be nothing. This is a fluke. It is something simple they can fix. I’ll never forget the look on your daddy’s face, like a deer in headlights, when he came storming in the hospital room and grabbed me tightly and just sobbed, “It’s his brain, there is something on his brain.” I looked at him and said, “So what. We can fix it.” I then ran out of the room so Dr. Cassidy could show me the films. I remember looking at them and then at him. I straight out said to him, “But he’s going to be fine, right?” He replied, “Yes.” Bless that mans heart. He had no idea what we were up against because at this point we didn’t know it was Neuroblastoma. We didn’t find that out until the next day, when you had your MRI. August 12th. At this time exact time, last year, you were probably in the middle of your CT scan. Within hours, our lives would be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

We had your MRI the next day. I’ll never forget waiting in the hallway, clutching on to you for dear life. I was so scared. Dr. Maze just happened to be walking around the corner and could not resist your big blue eyes. He looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him I didn’t know yet, but you had something on your brain and we were waiting for and MRI. He asked who was doing your Anesthesiology and I told him I had not a clue. He said it didn’t matter, because you were his now, that he would take care of you. I trusted him instantly and knew you would be in the best hands. You always were with him. He took such good care of you and loved you so much. You loved him just as much back.

I had Tricia with me when we got the news that your results from your MRI had come back. You had Stage 4 Neuroblastoma and they had found the main source in your abdomen. I remember Dr. Wood came into the room to tell us the news and I pretty much fainted and fell to the floor. I had never heard of Neuroblastoma in my life, but I knew Stage 4 of anything was bad. Very bad. Dr. Wood basically told us we had 24 hours to make a decision as far as what route we wanted to go with treatment. I’ve never felt so scared and helpless in my life. We were given nothing. No resources, no guidance, we had no clue what the fuck we were up against. We were running on empty as we had been up for 24 hours and yet here we were, deciding the fate of our child at midnight in the middle of a cafeteria with Trish, Max, E.J. and Karen. WTF. Looking back now, when you are just told your child has cancer, you should not be thrown out to a pack of wolves like we were. They should have packets available about what exactly your child has, who the experts are, phone numbers, the best hospitals, etc….. We had to sit up for hours researching all of this, scared shitless, with no sleep, and not knowing what the hell we were doing. And we are smart, educated people. I got really upset about this today. What about the families that go in there and have nothing. Nobody to help them, no support, no anything. Yet, they have to make a decision too. It just seems like more resources should be available to the families that are just handed this life changing and possibly death sentence. It would make things a lot less stressful.

I’m going to research this a little more. Maybe this is another one of my baby steps. Helping other families by making packets available to them with the type of cancer their child has just been diagnosed with. It cannot be that hard to get this done. Hey, I think I found my project for next week! I’m sure I’ll have to get it approved through PCH first. But it seems like such a win win for everyone. Looking back that is one thing that I am really upset about. We had no clue what Neuroblastoma was, where the best hospitals were, who the best doctors were, but we had to make a decision in 24 hours. It was horrific.

Aug. 13th is the day they cut open my babies head to take out the small tumor above the left orbit of his eye. The doctors at Sloan said they would not have done this, that they would have just started chemo, ASAP, because anytime you cut open a person’s head, it is risky. We had no clue and just went with what PCH thought was best. It was totally traumatic for Ronan. After the surgery, which thankfully went really well, his head was wrapped up like a mummy. He was so pissed about this. After we got him settled down for the night, I remember sleeping at the bottom of his bed so I could keep my eye on him. Woody was on the couch and Ronan had finally fallen asleep. I dozed off for a bit and woke up, just knowing that something was wrong. Wrong indeed, was right. Little baby Ro, swollen baby Ro, had somehow managed to undo the mummy mask that was around his head and peel off all the big band aids as well. He was just sitting up in the dark, holding the bloody gauze while trying to feel his head. His eyes were almost swollen shut and he was so mad. I have no idea how he got all of that wrapping off himself, as it was on there good. I woke Woody up and he panicked right away and ran to get a doctor. We were worried about him getting on infection on his open wounds. We fixed him back up pretty quickly and just had to watch him 24/7 after that. Ah… my little guy. Such a trouble maker. I loved every second of it.

So here we are, Ro. Almost a year later and you’re not here anymore. This was not supposed to happen. You were supposed to be on your way to getting better, still fighting like crazy. Somebody else had different ideas though. I’ll never stop being mad at that somebody. The somebody who will answer me someday. I swear on my life. Nothing makes sense anymore in this life, in this world. You can’t make sense out of nonsense, I always say. I’m sorry it ended this way, Ro. You know I would give anything to have you back here with us. You know I would have traded you places in a heartbeat. You deserved to live your beautiful life with your beautiful brothers. They are becoming more and more like you everyday. More confident, “spicy,” funny, athletic, they seem to be channeling you inner fearlessness. I’m so proud of them. They amaze me more and more everyday.

Your daddy is at a concert tonight so it’s just me and your brothers. They are sleeping in my room. They must have told me 50 times tonight how much they love me. Quinn walked behind me all night asking for chores to help with. Liam told me to have the sweetest dreams ever. They love me so much. It made me feel good. Quinn saw me crying tonight and he just said his little usual, “You o.k. Mom?” I said,” Yes, I just miss Ro.” He said, “Me too,” as he snuggled up beside me. You have the best brothers, Ro. They are taking such good care of me, each other, your daddy and even still you. Quinn has to bring into his classroom 3 important things to him to share tomorrow about him and his life. He is taking a picture of you. It about broke my heart, but he is so proud of it. He loves you so much… you were his best friend. We all miss you so much, baby boy.

I’m going to get to sleep now. Boot camp in the a.m. I hope. Hoping I stay asleep until 5. Tired of waking up at 1 a.m. then 3 a.m. then 5 a.m. I’m so jealous of all the normal sleepers out there. UGH. Sweet dreams though!! Love you to the moon and back Ro. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Yay! Awesome! Best 4th of July, EVER!!!! (bullshit)

 

Ronan. 4th of July is over baby. I’m still here. Quinn is sleeping in the middle of my bed and Macy is on the other side of him. I made it through today, by the skin of my teeth. I woke up this morning and went for a run with Macy. Well, kind of. She ran on the beach and a I ran along the bay. She went into town to get us coffees after and braved the madness of Coronado. I couldn’t handle it. We didn’t go to the parade this year, but Macy saw some of the action. She saw the Clonetroopers, Master Yoda, and some other Star Wars characters. I am glad I didn’t see that, as I’m sure my reaction would have been horrific. Macy would have had to carry me back home. After I finished my run, I came back upstairs to your Nana, Daddy, and brothers who had cooked breakfast. I wasn’t hungry, but ate a little fruit and some eggs just to get everyone off my case. We got showered and Quinn headed down to the beach with Nana and Macy, and I headed to the tennis courts with Liam and your daddy. It was really warm here today, but the tennis was still fun. Your brothers are both naturals. I think I need to get them signed up for lessons. I tried to act like I was really good and kept talking smack to your daddy about how I wasn’t trying, which is why I wasn’t playing well. UGH. Turns out, I am not that great at tennis. And I am pretty much good at every sport. Tennis is not one of them. I’m o.k with that. I’m happy to admit that your daddy totally kicked my butt today. It’s a fun sport though and we had a fun time playing. It meant a lot to Liam.

We headed down to the beach where we met up with The Kotaliks and 50,000 other people. The beach was packed head to toe with people everywhere. I was soon annoyed by all the drunken idiots and we packed up our things and left. No, today I was not in the mood to watch a 60-year-old man with his shirt off, drunk, and dancing to “Jessie’s Girl.” Sorry, but I just wasn’t feeling it. The whole being wasted in front of your kids thing really bothers me. I just don’t get it and it makes me sad. The same thing applies to smoking. Last night, I was waiting outside a restaurant with Macy, Liz and Heather. There was a mom crossing the street, carrying her Louis Vuitton bag, with her young kids walking beside her. She was SMOKING in front of them, just casually in the middle of Coronado. I have become so sensitive to the whole smoking thing that people CHOOSE to do; but to do it in front of your kids…. that’s just taking it to a whole new level. I made Macy chase her down just to prove that I was not just seeing things. I should have handed her one of your little bracelets and told her how you died of cancer at 3 and not by the fate of your own hands. Maybe then, she would have decided to stop smoking and maybe you would have saved her life and the life of those kids’ mommy. Because if you smoke long enough people…. pretty much sure you will die of lung cancer if you don’t die of something else first. Plus, not to mention what it does to your skin, teeth, nails, and breath. That is just foul.  And rude. And I don’t care if I’m judging because my son died of cancer and the fact that you people are here, roaming the earth, and harming your bodies, upsets me. Your body is a temple. Treat it like one! I know if Ronan would have had the chance to grow up, he would have never harmed his little body as he learned such a hard lesson as to what it means to live a healthy life. What a gift it is. He would have been so grateful and thankful for his chance to live his life. But he didn’t get a chance. He had his chance stolen away by something that was not his fault or his choice. Fuck cancer. And fuck cigarettes. And fuck drunk parents who drink in front of their kids, get wasted, and totally embarrass them in a restaurant.

I witnessed all of this stuff tonight and I had no tolerance for it. All I could think about while I tried to eat a few bites of my chicken taco at the mexican food restaurant, was how much I missed Ronan. I have the best picture of him from a couple of years ago…. 4th of July weekend where we were sitting down in the restaurant tonight and he was chowing down on a chicken taco. I wanted to be time warped back to that moment so badly. Instead, I sat and cried, watched my mom and Macy cry as the idiot family next to us continued to suck back drink after drink with their young kids around. They got really loud and the kids were mortified. I see things like this all the time now that you are gone Ronan. People who take so much for granted in life. I would have given anything to have had you in that restaurant tonight and I would not have wasted my time with you by getting drunk. I would have been the doting mom, I always was to you… to make sure you had eaten enough, and that your brothers were o.k. I would have had a hard time sitting still as you always kept me on my toes. That was so more than enough for me. I was so happy to play that role. I’m so pissed that role is gone now. I, of course get to play it with Liam and Quinn, but it’s not the same. They are independent enough that if I leave for a couple of hours they are fine with it and I am fine because I’m not worried about them. If you were here with us, you know I would have a hard time even being away for an hour from you. Because you would have only been 4 and a 4-year-old requires so much more than 8 year olds do. I missed you so much in that restaurant tonight that at one point I thought I was going to hyperventilate. We left in a hurry to get out of there and headed to meet Auntie Karen and the girls to watch the fireworks from her patio.

Coronado has the best fireworks. Remember them from a couple of years ago, Ro? You were 2 and we had the best seats in the house, right on the terrace by our condo. Tonight, the fireworks just made me sad. I found myself wondering if you could see them from where you are. Wondered who you were watching them with. I wondered who was taking care of you. Are you brushing your teeth? Are your fingernails getting clipped? What p.j.’s are you wearing?? I wonder if you are sad that you don’t have GiGi with you, because we kept it here with us. I wonder these things all the time. Who is doing MY job for you??? I don’t care who it is, because it is just wrong. Nobody should be doing these things for you except me. I need you to come back. I need you to make the most impossible thing in the world, possible. I NEED YOU BACK. We all do. Everyone is so sad, Ronan. So sad all the time. Nobody is handling this well. The only thing that will fix this is you. Somebody just needs to drop you off on our doorstep tomorrow and say they are so sorry, that this was all an experiment and that you are perfectly fine and healthy. My mind is so far gone, that I can almost make myself believe that it is a possibility that it could happen. You know what else my mind is trying to do to me??? I think the pain of having you gone is so intense that my mind is trying to trick me into thinking you never existed. That you were simply a figment of my imagination. I think my mind is going into protection mode and it is trying to make me think I made you all up. That you were never mine. That I didn’t have the most perfect little boy for almost 4 years. It almost convinced me yesterday. I had to stop and ask myself several times if you were really real. My mind is tying to make me forget you because the pain of having you gone is too much. I am aware of what it is doing, but it takes me a couple of seconds to form a memory of you to prove my mind wrong. You were real. You did exist. You were my best friend. You were my other half. You loved me. I loved you. Remember that time I was training for the NYC Marathon and you were about 2 years old?? I loved you so much and you loved me so much that we didn’t want to be separated for my Saturday morning training run of 13 miles, so I just put you in the jogger and ran with you the whole way. You were so content and happy because you knew it was me pushing you and we were together. I felt so blessed and lucky to have you with me. I’ll never forget that day… you hardly made a peep.

I had to take your daddy to the airport tonight. I was sad to drop him off. He was sad to leave us. After I dropped him, the tears started flooding down my face. I said to myself, please let a good song come on the radio so I can stop crying and blast the music. Oh hello, my little friend Ronan. Not 2 seconds later, a Prince song came on. You know, my all time favorite, artist, before he went all crazy and totally changed his music. It was an oldie but a goodie. “Erotic City.” You know I blasted that as loud as I could and laughed the whole time it was on. It could not have been a more perfect song to have come on. If it would have been something like, “Wind Beneath my Wings,” I would have totally driven my car off of the Coronado Bridge. Thanks for that today, Ro. Best song ever;)

I know I haven’t written in a few days and I’m sorry. I’ve been totally absorbed in the people around me. Your brothers, your daddy, your Nana, New York Miss Macy, Liz,  Auntie Karen, Olivia, and Liz’s friend, Heather. We have been doing things like playing tennis, having movie nights, some intense board game nights… I had a night out with Macy, Liz and Heather last night that was much needed. Innocent, girly, bonding time. We watched dolphins at the beach during sunset, had pizza, held hands, laughed, and cried from laughing so hard. These long days and night where I am all consumed with people make me exhausted by the time I get to bed. I’ve just kind of needed a break from staying up so late to write to you. I feel guilty about it too. I know h0w silly that is, but it’s though this writing to you that I still feel so connected. I feel like you know what I am saying and I don’t like the days that I don’t write and you have to miss out on what I am saying or the things I want to share with you. I know I talk to you all day in my head, but so much more comes out when I write it.

O.k. little bug. It’s 3 a.m. and I’m supposed to get up for yoga at 8 tomorrow. I told Macy tonight that I feel like my body needs an exorcism or something. Everything feels off. Everything is sore, tight, tense, and I feel like I have a ton of toxins in my body although I don’t see how that’s possible. I’ve been living off of humus and cauliflower. As well as prescription meds so maybe that could be part of it too…. I told her I think I need acupuncture or something. Everything is off. Even my run was off today. Boo for that. Tomorrow is a new day. Yoga may be the answer. We shall see, my love. Ronan. You know how much I love you. You know how much I miss you. You know how hard I am trying to be strong and it is SO hard. I will keep trying and I will never stop missing you so much that it hurts. That will last forever. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Little seal

 

Ronan. Your birthday. Daddy’s birthday. Liam and Quinn’s Birthday. Next up…. Father’s Day. Tomorrow. It’s hard enough having you gone, but having these “celebrations,” without you is unbearable. Tomorrow, I will somehow manage to get myself out of bed, somehow manage to go on about the day, somehow I will let your daddy know how much you love him. I will love him for you tomorrow. I can’t believe he has to be without you, so soon on fucking Father’s Day. No.No.No.No.No. This still can’t be true. I’ve managed to get through these days without you, but I do not want tomorrow to come. I wish we could all sleep right through it and wake up on Monday. Can’t we just skip over Father’s Day tomorrow?? I’m tired of these celebrations so soon after having you gone. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of an open wound. It’s all happening way too soon. I’m so sorry for your daddy. I’m so sorry that you can’t be with us tomorrow. I would give anything to change this, Ro. I know you know that.

We spent today at the pool and the beach with Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and Baby Chase. It was a gorgeous day out. I went surfing for a couple of hours. The Coronado beach was full of seaweed today. I was literally paddling my board out to get past the waves and my hands were full of seaweed after each stroke that I took. I didn’t mind though; it was so gross and unlike anything I have ever experienced before that it made me laugh. The waves were small today but it was good for me as I am still learning how to get the hang of this whole surfing thing. I stood up a lot which also made me smile. After I had been out for about an hour, I came back in to warm up. As I was laying on my towel, I heard some guys in the group of people next to me talking about how they were out boogie boarding and a little seal was out there with them. I, of course, thought of you. I wished I had seen this little seal today but just hearing them talk about it made me smile and cry all at the same time. You are my little seal. Your name always fit you so perfectly and you always reminded me of one with your playful ways. Even more so after you got cancer with your beautifully bald head and enormous seal eyes. Was that you today, watching over me without me even knowing you were so close by? I think it was. Thanks for keeping me safe. Next time, I’ll look for you.

After our beachy day, Laura and I ran some errands and your daddy and Kasey got the food ready to grill down by the pool. They cooked up a feast and we spent the evening eating and watching the kids run around and play. Liam and Quinn are so good with the little one’s. They were both so meant to be big brothers. I am so sad that they don’t have that anymore. They were always so good to you and loved you so much. My heart breaks for them almost more than it does mine. Watching them these past few days with Cameron and Chase has been beautiful and sad. They were meant to be big brothers in life. They were meant to be your big brothers. I’ll never understand this, Ro. Never. I’ll never understand why you had to be taken away from us. Such a cruel, cruel reality.

How am I going to get through tomorrow? How am I going to be strong enough to get your daddy through it? I’m about ready to start banning all holidays from now on except Halloween, which was your favorite. If I had my way from now on we’d only celebrate Halloween, and Birthdays. Everything else seems stupid and pointless. But so does everything without you. I’m sorry I’m being such a Debbie Downer tonight. My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do or how this is ever going to get better. I just miss you so very much. I’m going to go now, Ro. I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. I love you to the moon and back baby. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Chase and Quinn. Look how happy Quinn looks. He loved being your big brother so much, Ro.

The knot

The knot in the pit of my stomach is back and stronger than ever. So bad, that I am convinced I have an ulcer. I spent most of the day trying to get things done, while begin doubled up in pain. I also had to hang up the phone with my mom because I couldn’t even finish our phone conversation due to having to throw up. You see, it’s not enough that my child has cancer. At least before now, he was acting like it was not affecting him at all. It is now. I watch him as he favors the left side of his body more than his right, as he winces as I pick him up and tells me not to hurt him, as he keeps his little right arm stiff by his side because it hurts to use it. It’s not an effect from the chemo…. it is pain related to the Neuroblastoma eating away at his body. The MIBG scan showed a lot of activity in his right shoulder still. I’m convinced this is why he is now in a lot of pain. He won’t tell me though. I’ve asked him 50 times today and he refuses to tell me he is hurting. That is how stubborn and strong he is. This is why he will beat this fucking disease. No matter how hard it’s going to be; he is not going to give into the pain.

Try watching your 3-year-old suffer this way while feeling helpless as FUCK. Try to go on while acting as normal as possible, like every second of your day is not filled with excruciating pain. I cannot even go into the details of tonight but I will just tell you as I was sitting on the bathroom floor with my husband I just wanted to crumble up and die. He is hurting as badly as I am, even though he is trying so hard to be strong. I’m tired of being strong and I’m tired of watching him try to be strong. Nobody is strong enough for this shit. Don’t get me wrong, we can both put on a good show but at the root of all of this is pain beyond belief. I don’t even know how I made it through today. I was a zombie and ended up at my Tricia Boo’s house pretty much broken beyond repair. I sat with my friend and she watched and listened as I tried to put my feelings into words and she tried to fix the things that I told her were wrong. Nobody can fix this. The truth of it is, the damage is beyond repair at this point. Unless somebody were to magically heal Ronan overnight, I will live with this pain for the rest of my life. I don’t know how much more I can take. Somebody throw me a freaking bone already and give us some good news. I cannot stand to watch Ronan hurt while knowing I can’t fix it. I am sick to my stomach thinking about all the active cancer cells in his body just eating away at him and causing him pain. How can something so evil be going on in his sweet little body? I will never understand this. It is so cruel horrific. This isn’t a freaking ear infection or a broken arm. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for that.

We got home late last night. I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. Ronan is happy, in spite of his pain. Nothing makes him happier than being at home. We have to go back to New York sooner than expected. We have to be back by March 17th. I need more time. Time with my twins, time at home, time to wrap things up before we go away for god knows how long. We have to get Ronan back to New York asap to start the high dose chemo as well as the NK Cell trial.

I’ve got to get in the right mind frame for New York. I know once I get there, I will take it by storm. But it is going to be hard to leave here. Mostly leaving my twins behind. My heart is literally ripped into shreds. I know they are in the best hands in the world, but that does not make this any easier. But we have no choice. We have to get Ronan better and New York is are only chance. I cannot believe New York Miss Macy is not there anymore. I am beyond sad about that. Tricia told me I had to find a clone of her that lives there. I’ll be accepting applications via email. Yeah right. Impossible. There is only ONE New York Miss Macy in this entire world. My little ray of sunshine is gone and I wonder how I will survive.

Time for bed my peeps. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow Ronan will wake up and not be in pain. Please. Please. Please. I can deal with him having cancer as long as I don’t have to watch him act like he does. I can’t take the physical signs…. it is more than I can stand.

Sweet dreams, my lovelies.

xoxo

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? That’s alright because I like the way it hurts

Sooooo, I made the mistake of watching the movie “7 pounds” tonight. I knew it was a bad idea from the start. Way too sad but I wanted to see if I would feel anything from watching it. I’ve kind of been freaking out that my medication is making me numb to everything. I don’t want to be numb, but I also can’t handle all the pain that comes with all of this. Reality check! I can still feel pain because I ended up locking myself in my bathroom with all the lights off and crying like crazy. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, I dare you watch it and try not to cry. Impossible. I also sat in my bathroom and pinched myself about a dozen times, just to make sure this is all still real. That is something I used to often do before all of this; to make sure my perfect life was real. I felt the pinches. But I wish I wouldn’t have.This whole not crying for a few days has not been good. I need to let a lot of this out and I feel better when I do.

Overall it was a good day. Spent the entire day at home with the boys and then Wood, Liam and Quinn went off to the ASU game. Ronan and I hung out here and my friend, Danielle came by for a bit. Ronan was a little shy but ended up letting her stay for a while. I always love spending time with her and she lives pretty close by so that’s a bonus:)

Ronan is curled up beside me, sleeping sweetly. There is nothing more I love than waking up with him in the morning. I usually wake up before him and just watch him sleep. This morning, I was pretending to be sleeping as I saw him stirring. He sat up and goes, “Good morning, Mom!” Then he started rubbing my head and kissing me. I cannot explain to you how little things like that make me feel. It’s the best feeling in the world. I’m tired tonight and we have some friends coming to visit tomorrow so I am going to try to get some sleep soon. I hope you all are having a great long weekend with your loved ones. Sweet dreams to you all. xoxo