Of course your Nana didn’t leave your name off of the treehouse.

Ronan. I have to live the rest of my life without the touch of your little hand, without hearing your sweet giggles, without getting lost in your piercing blue eyes. Somedays this makes me extremely sad. Somedays this makes me super bitter. Today, I found myself not crying, but looking at all the people around me and going why do you get to live and he doesn’t? He would have been such a good person. He would have made this world so much more beautiful. Who lives and who dies and who decides??? And why??? I’ll never have the answers to these questions. These thoughts fill my head at the most random moments. Today it was while walking through the local Walmart to pick up some water. I was thinking these thoughts then I get the other little voice in my head that says, “You are a bad person for thinking that your son deserved to live, yet this jack off who is yelling at his 8 kids, should die.” I quickly tell that little voice to fuck off, because I am just being honest and any mother would feel this way. If I can’t be honest in my head, than I can’t be honest anywhere. Thoughts like this leave me feeling restless and I often feel trapped in my own head or like a hamster that is running around on that freaking spinning wheel, going nowhere and never knowing when to stop. Love that never-ending cycle of grief/shame/resentment/guilt/sadness that I cannot seem to escape.

Today, I tried to get lost in the world of your brothers. I think I faked it really well. I played baseball with them for a few hours today. I pretended not to be looking for you everywhere, waiting to see you up next to bat. I took them to lunch. We went to see the new, “Ice Age,” move which you know destroyed me. That was one of your favorites. You loved that Scrat character so much. After the movie, we came home and played more baseball. I headed out to meet our Bri Bri for a quick run around the lake. It felt good to get out there and run. I haven’t been running much in AZ due to not being motivated to do so in the brutal heat. I’d rather hike instead. I’ve been saving my running for this Washington trip. It’s one of my favorite places to run from everything in my head that I cannot seem to escape. I didn’t escape anything today, but I got to spend a little time with my sissy which is always a treat. I miss her. I know you do, too.

I heard another story today about a maybe cancer faker in this very real and sad cancer world that I know all too well. I cannot even get upset about it tonight because anybody that would do such a thing… well, they are trapped in a hell of their own that I cannot even fathom. My normal self would be swearing up and down in my head, my blood would be boiling… but I don’t even have words tonight for somebody that would do such a thing. I am in a peaceful place and for once, I refuse to give into to the evil of the world around me and let it ruin the quietness that I am feeling tonight. Tonight, I don’t feel spicy or angry or like swearing like a truck driver. I am calm, tired, and listening to your brothers sleeping soundly is giving me comfort that I need to listen to for once.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I left my Ambien back in Phoenix. I don’t miss it. I slept well last night as I always seems to do here. The fresh air is good for me. I had a moment of panic yesterday when I went down to your treehouse with your brothers. Someone (I think your Nana) had painted little individual signs with all of your names on them to attach to the front of the treehouse wall. The door to the tree house was open as I was examining the names that hung above. My stomach dropped and I yelled to your brothers, “Why isn’t Ronan’s name up there?!” I almost started to cry. Liam yelled down to me, “It is mom. It’s on the front of the door, see.” There it was. In purple of course. I felt bad. Of course your Nana would not leave your name off of the tree house. Of course your Nana would not, not include you, just because you are not here. This is the same Nana, that had presents wrapped and underneath the Christmas Tree for you this year. She would NEVER leave you out just because you are not here. I cannot believe even for a second, that I thought she would. She includes you in everything that she does, every single day. She would never sweep you under the rug and pretend that you didn’t exist. She would never take you out of the equation. All she has to do is look at me and I know she is thinking about you. It’s painful to see but I am so thankful to know.

I have a lot more to tell you tonight all of a sudden. But I am too tired to continue on. It’s late little bug. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. They both refuse to sleep in their room here and are tucked away in bed, with me. I don’t mind; I only wish you were crammed in between us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

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An Inferno Dark Death Hike that should have resulted in a Heart attack.

Ronan. Someone had a party in your room last night and it was not you. That would have been me and my friend, Ambien that I have not taken for weeks now. It’s funny how just when you think you are making progress with little things like a normal sleep schedule and BAM! Out of nowhere, 10 giant steps back. Where is my natural sleep remedy, your New York Miss Macy when I need her? And why does that girl always relax me so much that I sleep like a baby when she is around? Insomnia strikes again tonight as well. Good times around here.

I had a meeting this morning. I felt like a zombie. I took your brothers with me. They quietly sat at the table with us and ate their breakfast. Not a peep was made. Sometimes they are so good that it makes me want to scream, but I was thankful for it this morning. After my meeting in regards to the Sept. 29th event, I ran your brothers to basketball camp. I went by Dr. JoRo’s office to sit and get some things done. She has been letting me use it while she hasn’t been there. I think I was pretty productive but I ended up crying hysterically when one of my MISS mama friends, popped her head into the room to see how I was doing. I tried to say fine, but the tears that followed told the truth. She came and hugged me and sat with me for a while. She told me about the dream she had of you. She asked if there was anything she could do. I just told her no. That there was nothing, anyone could do. She said she knew. I left there shortly after that as I had to pick up your brothers. We came home and spent the rest of the day, hanging out. I made them lunch and tried to do all the normal things that a normal mom does during the day when she does not have a dead child. It still feels foreign to me to go on with normal day to day things. I would give anything back to go back to our cancer world where all I did was take care of you and your brothers when I could. It is such an unfair world but it is so much less cruel than this. Your daddy came home and I told him I needed to go hiking. He took your brothers to Costco and to play basketball for me. I headed up to Camelback around 6:30 p.m. It was still so bloody hot out. I hiked that mountain as fast as I could. At one point my heart was racing so quickly that I thought to myself, I wonder why my body doesn’t just give out and have a heart attack right here. I wonder if this is what it feels like? I was panting so hard trying to get up the last stretch that I could not even breathe. There was some dude behind me. Ummmm, no way was I letting him beat me. He didn’t. I won the little made up competition in my head. I fell to the ground at the top as I could not even stand. I sat there and tried to get my heart rate to come down. I was dry heaving but due to not eating the entire day, I had nothing to throw up. I know I should have been up walking about but my legs would not let me stand back up. I soaked up the bright pink sunset. It was gorgeous up there. I spent way too long at my church, but that tends to happen to me up there. I could sit for hours and talk to you. It was already dark as I headed back down. Dark on Camelback is not a good or safe thing. The trail is steep, rocky, loose gravel everywhere. I did my best to navigate my way down with the little light that was left shining from the moon. I left my headlamp in the car. I was in a fuck it all mood today so fuck it all is what I did. The headlamp did not stand a chance of making it into your little backpack. I got down, somehow. Guided by you of course. It’s the only way I get through things now. I came home, threw off my drenched clothes and got in the shower. I felt so tired that I was sure tonight was going to be an easy night of sleep. I snuggled up to your daddy. I tried to be peaceful but that did not work. I ended up throwing pillows, tossing and turning only to wake him up from his very peaceful sleep of slumber. I told him I was sorry, I loved him, but had to get out of our room. He said it was alright but I know how much he misses me when I don’t sleep in our bed with him. Maybe I’ll attempt to go back there later.

I found out something from Fernanda today. Something that she didn’t tell me but she should have told me. I am just thankful that it is you, who is watching over her and taking care of her to make sure she is o.k. I know she has been talking to you a lot and asking you to help her with some things. You are being such a good, brave boy by taking good care of her so nothing can happen to her. I need her here, for a very long time. Remember how good of care, she took of us? I won’t ever forget it. Now it’s your turn, to take care of her, o.k. baby boy. I know you always are. Thank you for that.

I’m queasy probably from the way I over did things today. I’m getting sleepy. I think I’ll go and cuddle up to that daddy of yours. Goodnight baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Hi. I’m in L.A. I like it here. Little 3,4, and 5 year old boys, who look like you, do not exist on Venice Beach.

Ronan. It’s been almost a week since I posted last. I know this usually means I’m in a dark space; but for once this has not been the case. It’s not that I have not been thinking about you, every waking second, because I have been and I always am. I guess I just needed to give myself a little break so I could survive the last week of Coronado Island of 3,4, and 5 year olds, everywhere. Your daddy made it in time to spend the evening of Father’s Day with us. Macy filled the role of the surrogate father for the day and as always, did an amazing job. She was supposed to fly home on Sunday night, but somehow I talked her into staying an extra day. It had nothing to do with the lazy day we spent laying on the beach, soaking up the sun, either. Well, o.k. that maybe had a little something to do with it, but I also know that she could sense that I needed her and she did really want to spend some time with your daddy as well. It was an o.k. day. We made it the best we possibly could for your daddy. It was hard to look into his eyes though and see the pain pouring out of them. A father should never be without any of his children, on Father’s Day, but your daddy, most of all. He is too good of a daddy to have to carry this never-ending pain around. I’m always so sorry and so sad for him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not see the constant sadness that fills his eyes, even when he is smiling. I know those eyes all too well as they are a reflection of mine.

The rest of the week was pretty low key. Lots of beach time. A little surfing. Some running. Basketball. A movie. Sleeping. No Ambien for me for a couple of weeks now. Dr. JoRo will be proud of that. I’m kind of proud of that too. I got a text message on Wednesday from our lovie, Charisma. It was more like, “OMG. When are you leaving San Diego? I can’t believe we did not meet up! Wanna make a trip to L.A. to see me?” You know how I LOVE spontaneous plans. I texted her back. “Yes. Let me work my magic. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m supposed to go back to AZ on Saturday, but let me talk to Woody.” I got home and told your daddy about what had come up. I think I spun it to him as, “Wooddawg. If I don’t go to L.A., who knows when I am going to get to see Charisma again and it’s already been way too long. She’s leaving for Austin to shoot the new series she just got picked up on, to become a regular. I NEED to give her a congrats hug and see my friend.” It didn’t take much convincing on my end. I offered to take one of your brothers with me as they could use the time apart anyway. Of course your Quinny chose to go with me and Liam chose to stay with your daddy. Quinn cannot seem to be separated from me and Liam seems to be stuck to your daddy like glue. Quinn and I hopped in the car super early on Friday morning to drive to L.A. It was a reunion that showed me much too much time had passed since I had last seen my friend. The last time I spent with her, was when she came out for your services and you know I don’t remember any of that. I’ve really missed her.

Quinn and I arrived and it felt so good to get the frick out of Coronado, and a change of scenery. There are no 3,4,5 year old boys, roaming around the streets of L.A. who all look like you. We spent the day at Venice Beach. I soaked up a day of sunshine with Charisma while your brother and D surfed. I soaked up the homeless bums who filled the boardwalk of Venice Beach. I caught up with my friend. I breathed. I exhaled. I needed to, otherwise I was going to burst. We had a nice lunch and an even better dinner at some to die for Mexican food restaurant. Everyone is snug as a bug in a rug now and sound asleep. All except me. My thoughts are swimming with all there is to do. How much I miss you. The awful way I left your daddy today which was which one of us, was going to take Ronan home. Which meant, who is taking your urn home full of your little body. Your daddy did. I took your GiGi with me, instead. We both felt you would be safer with your daddy. The fact that this conversation is now part of our normal lives leaves me sick to my stomach in a way that I am too tired to explain tonight. I’m getting sleepy. It’s 3 a.m. I mainly just wanted to check in. I know how my lovely little blog readers get when they don’t hear from me, for a while. They worry. They are the sweetest and I am thankful that they care so much. I am o.k. And for me, o.k. is as good as it gets. I am happy to have spent today in the presence of someone whom I think, hung the moon. You don’t get much better in life, than my dear friend, Charisma. She reminds me of all the pain in the world, while pointing out the beauty as well. She reminds me that they can coexist in a peaceful manner. She makes me laugh with her crazy car dancing and with her, the smiles are always true. There is no faking or forcing. There is no judgements or disappointments. There are only journeys and love. I like my world when I am with her. It gives me the break that I know I need and I know I deserve. She loved you so much.

I love you, Ronan. So much so, that I know we are going to do everything it is, that I want to do for you. I don’t care if it costs 150 billion dollars. You cannot put a price on our love and the power it has to change this cancer world in the way that it so desperately needs to be changed. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo

Hello, 3:43 a.m.

 

Ronan. I am finally getting tired. I might be too tired to write so I’ll just say this. Wes Anderson is a genius. End of story. Officially the shortest post ever. I miss you. I thought about you a lot today. It’s hard not having you here, to do everything, that we did. I miss your laugh, so very much. Sweet dreams baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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Can someone print that picture below for me, and put it on a tee-shirt. I think I would like to wear it, everyday, for the rest of my life.

Ronan. Day over. Almost. I was a good mama today. I got the boys up and ready. I said, “Do you two want to go to the zoo today?” They both did. I tried to let me feet do a happy dance but really my heart dropped to the floor. O.k. Zoo. Without Ronan. You can do this. And do this I did. I packed those little brothers of yours, up in the car and off we went. We saw Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! But no Ronan. I still looked for you, everywhere I went. We walked around the zoo for a good 3 hours. At the end of our adventure, we stopped to watch the spider monkeys. Quinn ran over to them, before I could get there. “MOM!” he yelled. “That monkey is eating the others monkeys butt!!!” OH.MY.GOD. I walked over, to inspect the situation. Sure enough, that was the case and Quinn could not stop laughing. Liam started gagging. Other people came over to see the monkeys. Everyone yelled out something in disgust. I told your brothers how you would have went crazy over the little monkeys disgusting grooming habits. You and Quinn would have had a field day with what was going on in front of us and lasted until I seriously started to get sick to my stomach and had to tear your brothers away from the spectacle. We drove home with Quinn still giggling. Liam was just confused and didn’t really think it was funny at all.
We got home, I fed your brothers lunch and offered to take them to the rec center to play basketball. As soon as we were about to go to the gym, Quinn looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t feel well.” The next thing I knew, he was puking in the bushes. I turned us around and took everyone back home where I laid Quinn down for a nap. I told him I had a sneaking suspicion it was the pound of Kettle Corn that he ate at the zoo. Sneaking suspicion was right as he is totally fine now. While Quinn was curled up in bed, I was trying to find the basketball game on T.V. for him. He was flipping through the channels. He stopped on MTV’s, “Teen Mom.” I told him to keep flipping the channels, that this was not the basketball game. “What’s Teen Mom?” he asked. UGH. Really, MTV? I might hate you and your Teen Mom show. “Ummm… it’s a show, about young mom’s who have babies.” “Why do teenagers, have kids, and then get a TV show about it?” he said. “Quinn, that is a really good question. Because society is stupid and likes to watch crap like this. Please change the channel.” He did. Thank god. Otherwise the remote control was going to get thrown through the T.V. I don’t watch T.V. EVER anymore. That Teen Mom show, makes me hostile. It is everything that is wrong with our stupid society and the way it glorifies all the things that do not deserve to be glorified in this world. Being 15, having a kid and then becoming “famous,” for it, is RIDICULOUS! It makes me angry and is one of the biggest reasons I just cannot watch TV anymore. Too much stupid shit being put out there, that our society seems to be obsessed with. I turn on the T.V. rarely anymore. I don’t watch the news, therefore, I have no idea what is going on in the world. The noise makes me anxious. The stories make me mad and my skin crawl. T.V. quite simply is of no comfort to me, whatsoever. I miss the days when I used to be able to get lost in the world of Jeff Lewis from “Flipping Out.” I miss Jenny and Zoila. I miss my friends from “Law and Order.” But most of all, I miss the days of snuggling up with you to watch “Mickey Mouse Playhouse,” “Clone Wars,” or “Glee.” Maybe that’s why I hate T.V. so much now. Because that was our special cuddle time together and now it’s feels so awful to be without you, that I cannot seem to do anything that we used to enjoy. That does not explain my hatred for MTV’s Teen Mom though. Seriously, MTV. Get your shit together. You are embarrassing.

I did not run today. I did not surf today. I spent the day, trying to get lost in your brothers. I don’t know how many times I heard them tell me, “Thank you. Please. Yes, mom. O.k. mom. No thank you, Mom. Thank you for cooking for me, Mom. Thank you for taking us to the zoo, Mom. Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick, Mom. Thank you for the ice cream, Mom.” As much as I love this, what I wouldn’t give to have you here, yelling at me, “NO!!! I am NOT eating that broccoli!” while throwing it across the room. What I wouldn’t give to have you here to push every single button in the elevator, before we got out. What I wouldn’t give to have you here, to do all the naughty things, that you loved to do. I miss your spiciness. I feel lost, without it. I had some random people come up to me the other night, out at the pool. They had been in the hot tub with Liam and Quinn. They must have been around 40. They came up to me after they saw Liam and Quinn, come over to get bundled up in a towel. They looked at me for a minute. The man said, “Are you the mom of the twins?” For a second I thought to myself, “Ohhh, crap. What did they do?” But then I remembered, nothing, because they aren’t boys like that. “Yes, I am.” I replied. “Wow. Your twins are awesome. We just had to come over and tell you how we sat in the hot tub with them, for 25 minutes and we have never heard 8 year olds, talk as eloquently as yours. You should be really proud of them. They are exceptional little human beings.” I just smiled. “Thank you. That means a lot to hear. Today is their 9th birthday. I am really lucky, they are great boys.” The lady looked at me and said, “We are here on vacation, away from our kids. Your boys, really made us miss ours.” It took everything I had to say, “They had a really great brother, too. But he died of cancer. So they have been through a lot, which might explain why they seem a little different than kids their age.” I wanted to say this, but I didn’t want to ruin their night. Plus, I knew if I did, I would not have been able to get my words out, without choking on my tears. I just let the moment happen and the moment pass, while pretending that my heart wasn’t breaking on the inside. I know they would have told me how amazing you were too, if you had been there with Liam and Quinn, like you should have been.

Alright little man. This is all I’ve got, for tonight. I’m sorry you couldn’t go to the zoo with us today. You would have been the wildest animal, there. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Yay! Awesome! Best 4th of July, EVER!!!! (bullshit)

 

Ronan. 4th of July is over baby. I’m still here. Quinn is sleeping in the middle of my bed and Macy is on the other side of him. I made it through today, by the skin of my teeth. I woke up this morning and went for a run with Macy. Well, kind of. She ran on the beach and a I ran along the bay. She went into town to get us coffees after and braved the madness of Coronado. I couldn’t handle it. We didn’t go to the parade this year, but Macy saw some of the action. She saw the Clonetroopers, Master Yoda, and some other Star Wars characters. I am glad I didn’t see that, as I’m sure my reaction would have been horrific. Macy would have had to carry me back home. After I finished my run, I came back upstairs to your Nana, Daddy, and brothers who had cooked breakfast. I wasn’t hungry, but ate a little fruit and some eggs just to get everyone off my case. We got showered and Quinn headed down to the beach with Nana and Macy, and I headed to the tennis courts with Liam and your daddy. It was really warm here today, but the tennis was still fun. Your brothers are both naturals. I think I need to get them signed up for lessons. I tried to act like I was really good and kept talking smack to your daddy about how I wasn’t trying, which is why I wasn’t playing well. UGH. Turns out, I am not that great at tennis. And I am pretty much good at every sport. Tennis is not one of them. I’m o.k with that. I’m happy to admit that your daddy totally kicked my butt today. It’s a fun sport though and we had a fun time playing. It meant a lot to Liam.

We headed down to the beach where we met up with The Kotaliks and 50,000 other people. The beach was packed head to toe with people everywhere. I was soon annoyed by all the drunken idiots and we packed up our things and left. No, today I was not in the mood to watch a 60-year-old man with his shirt off, drunk, and dancing to “Jessie’s Girl.” Sorry, but I just wasn’t feeling it. The whole being wasted in front of your kids thing really bothers me. I just don’t get it and it makes me sad. The same thing applies to smoking. Last night, I was waiting outside a restaurant with Macy, Liz and Heather. There was a mom crossing the street, carrying her Louis Vuitton bag, with her young kids walking beside her. She was SMOKING in front of them, just casually in the middle of Coronado. I have become so sensitive to the whole smoking thing that people CHOOSE to do; but to do it in front of your kids…. that’s just taking it to a whole new level. I made Macy chase her down just to prove that I was not just seeing things. I should have handed her one of your little bracelets and told her how you died of cancer at 3 and not by the fate of your own hands. Maybe then, she would have decided to stop smoking and maybe you would have saved her life and the life of those kids’ mommy. Because if you smoke long enough people…. pretty much sure you will die of lung cancer if you don’t die of something else first. Plus, not to mention what it does to your skin, teeth, nails, and breath. That is just foul.  And rude. And I don’t care if I’m judging because my son died of cancer and the fact that you people are here, roaming the earth, and harming your bodies, upsets me. Your body is a temple. Treat it like one! I know if Ronan would have had the chance to grow up, he would have never harmed his little body as he learned such a hard lesson as to what it means to live a healthy life. What a gift it is. He would have been so grateful and thankful for his chance to live his life. But he didn’t get a chance. He had his chance stolen away by something that was not his fault or his choice. Fuck cancer. And fuck cigarettes. And fuck drunk parents who drink in front of their kids, get wasted, and totally embarrass them in a restaurant.

I witnessed all of this stuff tonight and I had no tolerance for it. All I could think about while I tried to eat a few bites of my chicken taco at the mexican food restaurant, was how much I missed Ronan. I have the best picture of him from a couple of years ago…. 4th of July weekend where we were sitting down in the restaurant tonight and he was chowing down on a chicken taco. I wanted to be time warped back to that moment so badly. Instead, I sat and cried, watched my mom and Macy cry as the idiot family next to us continued to suck back drink after drink with their young kids around. They got really loud and the kids were mortified. I see things like this all the time now that you are gone Ronan. People who take so much for granted in life. I would have given anything to have had you in that restaurant tonight and I would not have wasted my time with you by getting drunk. I would have been the doting mom, I always was to you… to make sure you had eaten enough, and that your brothers were o.k. I would have had a hard time sitting still as you always kept me on my toes. That was so more than enough for me. I was so happy to play that role. I’m so pissed that role is gone now. I, of course get to play it with Liam and Quinn, but it’s not the same. They are independent enough that if I leave for a couple of hours they are fine with it and I am fine because I’m not worried about them. If you were here with us, you know I would have a hard time even being away for an hour from you. Because you would have only been 4 and a 4-year-old requires so much more than 8 year olds do. I missed you so much in that restaurant tonight that at one point I thought I was going to hyperventilate. We left in a hurry to get out of there and headed to meet Auntie Karen and the girls to watch the fireworks from her patio.

Coronado has the best fireworks. Remember them from a couple of years ago, Ro? You were 2 and we had the best seats in the house, right on the terrace by our condo. Tonight, the fireworks just made me sad. I found myself wondering if you could see them from where you are. Wondered who you were watching them with. I wondered who was taking care of you. Are you brushing your teeth? Are your fingernails getting clipped? What p.j.’s are you wearing?? I wonder if you are sad that you don’t have GiGi with you, because we kept it here with us. I wonder these things all the time. Who is doing MY job for you??? I don’t care who it is, because it is just wrong. Nobody should be doing these things for you except me. I need you to come back. I need you to make the most impossible thing in the world, possible. I NEED YOU BACK. We all do. Everyone is so sad, Ronan. So sad all the time. Nobody is handling this well. The only thing that will fix this is you. Somebody just needs to drop you off on our doorstep tomorrow and say they are so sorry, that this was all an experiment and that you are perfectly fine and healthy. My mind is so far gone, that I can almost make myself believe that it is a possibility that it could happen. You know what else my mind is trying to do to me??? I think the pain of having you gone is so intense that my mind is trying to trick me into thinking you never existed. That you were simply a figment of my imagination. I think my mind is going into protection mode and it is trying to make me think I made you all up. That you were never mine. That I didn’t have the most perfect little boy for almost 4 years. It almost convinced me yesterday. I had to stop and ask myself several times if you were really real. My mind is tying to make me forget you because the pain of having you gone is too much. I am aware of what it is doing, but it takes me a couple of seconds to form a memory of you to prove my mind wrong. You were real. You did exist. You were my best friend. You were my other half. You loved me. I loved you. Remember that time I was training for the NYC Marathon and you were about 2 years old?? I loved you so much and you loved me so much that we didn’t want to be separated for my Saturday morning training run of 13 miles, so I just put you in the jogger and ran with you the whole way. You were so content and happy because you knew it was me pushing you and we were together. I felt so blessed and lucky to have you with me. I’ll never forget that day… you hardly made a peep.

I had to take your daddy to the airport tonight. I was sad to drop him off. He was sad to leave us. After I dropped him, the tears started flooding down my face. I said to myself, please let a good song come on the radio so I can stop crying and blast the music. Oh hello, my little friend Ronan. Not 2 seconds later, a Prince song came on. You know, my all time favorite, artist, before he went all crazy and totally changed his music. It was an oldie but a goodie. “Erotic City.” You know I blasted that as loud as I could and laughed the whole time it was on. It could not have been a more perfect song to have come on. If it would have been something like, “Wind Beneath my Wings,” I would have totally driven my car off of the Coronado Bridge. Thanks for that today, Ro. Best song ever;)

I know I haven’t written in a few days and I’m sorry. I’ve been totally absorbed in the people around me. Your brothers, your daddy, your Nana, New York Miss Macy, Liz,  Auntie Karen, Olivia, and Liz’s friend, Heather. We have been doing things like playing tennis, having movie nights, some intense board game nights… I had a night out with Macy, Liz and Heather last night that was much needed. Innocent, girly, bonding time. We watched dolphins at the beach during sunset, had pizza, held hands, laughed, and cried from laughing so hard. These long days and night where I am all consumed with people make me exhausted by the time I get to bed. I’ve just kind of needed a break from staying up so late to write to you. I feel guilty about it too. I know h0w silly that is, but it’s though this writing to you that I still feel so connected. I feel like you know what I am saying and I don’t like the days that I don’t write and you have to miss out on what I am saying or the things I want to share with you. I know I talk to you all day in my head, but so much more comes out when I write it.

O.k. little bug. It’s 3 a.m. and I’m supposed to get up for yoga at 8 tomorrow. I told Macy tonight that I feel like my body needs an exorcism or something. Everything feels off. Everything is sore, tight, tense, and I feel like I have a ton of toxins in my body although I don’t see how that’s possible. I’ve been living off of humus and cauliflower. As well as prescription meds so maybe that could be part of it too…. I told her I think I need acupuncture or something. Everything is off. Even my run was off today. Boo for that. Tomorrow is a new day. Yoga may be the answer. We shall see, my love. Ronan. You know how much I love you. You know how much I miss you. You know how hard I am trying to be strong and it is SO hard. I will keep trying and I will never stop missing you so much that it hurts. That will last forever. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

I’ll follow you into the dark

Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. This morning I woke up late and so did your brothers. I didn’t fall asleep until about 3 a.m., so we slept in until around 9. I don’t know what exactly happened this morning. Actually, I do. A couple of things. Your daddy called. He was upset. He said he had awful nightmares about you all night long and did not sleep well. His dreams of you are always the same. He dreams of the two of you playing together, and you are so happy. But then you die. Hearing your dad’s voice today shook me to the core. He was so upset, which in turn, upsets me.  I then got on the internet and I was obsessing over Neuroblastoma stories, treatments, doctors, etc…. It was like I was in a black hole and could not come out. Even though you are gone, and your little life could not be saved, I sit and obsess about what we could have done differently. It’s pure torture, but I also find the need to educate myself as much as possible. I cannot get this Dr. Sholler out of my head either. After an hour of reading, I was in a bad place. I came out of my room to make your brothers breakfast and the fighting between them started up. I lost it. I mean, completely lost it. I started bawling in front of them, telling them how I could not handle their fighting today. I told them how it was not fair that you just died, and how they need to be so thankful that they have each other and LIFE, as you didn’t have a choice to live life anymore. I told them, as I was hysterically crying, that I was so sad about losing you that I don’t even know what to do anymore. Uhhhh… maybe a little too heavy for 7 year olds, but today, I couldn’t calm myself down. I think I scared them and I know it upset them to see me so upset. They both ended up crying and wrapping their arms around me and telling me they were sorry. We sat for a while and cried together and talked about how much we miss you and how much we are all hurting. I told them how it is good for them to cry, how I understand that they are boys and they are going to fight, but today, I needed them to cut me some slack. Today, I just could not emotionally handle the fighting that I know is a natural part of being brothers. But today, I just needed a break. They gave it to me and after we cried and I got them settled down, I had them sit at the table and do some writing and workbooks. I mainly did this so I could get in my phone call with my therapist, Sarah. I closed my bedroom door and as soon as Sarah picked up, I was a blubbering mess. I don’t remember much about the beginning of the conversation, but I ended up calming down. I think she even got me to laugh about a tee-shirt we were joking I was going to have made. In fact, I know she made me laugh which is why I love her so much. She has that same dark sense of humor that I do. I eat that stuff up. It works for me. We talked a lot about you, of course. She told me how it’s like I’m living in a paradox world. I couldn’t agree more. That is so how I feel. We talked about your old soul, as we are both convinced that you are one. She thinks I am one as well and we both think that I have known you in a past life. I have no doubt that we have been together many times before you were born, Ronan. It is why our bond is so strong. After my talk with Sarah, I felt better. She pulled me out of the hole that I was ready to bury myself in today. I got off the phone with her and got Liam and Quinn ready to head out to the Padres baseball game with your Papa Charlie, Uncle Larry, and all of your cousins. They needed a day out and the baseball game was the perfect place for them.

Your Mimi Kay asked if I wanted to head over to Fashion Valley with her. I said, of course and we spent the day together. We had lunch and shopped a bit. We had a good talk about you. She told me how Papa dreams about you all the time and how you always have your hair. Mimi says when she dreams of you, you are still bald. I told her how I don’t dream about you. She said she is sure that I do, that I just don’t remember it. I hope she is right. Not dreaming about you is really hard on me. I would give anything to see you, even if it is only in my dreams. That is the best it is going to get for the rest of my life. I don’t even know how to comprehend this. How can you really be gone. How can only being able to dream about you ever be enough? It won’t be, but it’s all I have now, Ro. So please, come and see me and let me see you. I’m not scared and I miss your face so much.

After my day out with Mimi, we returned back to Coronado. Your brothers were on the lawn playing baseball with your cousins. I put on my running clothes and ran a fast 6 miles. After my run, I went and played baseball with everyone. It was sweet and fun but it also hurt. All I could do was picture you playing with us. You are always missing from everything we do and it is so hard to go on with everyday things like playing a baseball game. You would have been proud of the ball I caught in the air that got Liam out. You would have been proud of the way that I thought of you when I caught that ball. I think of you in everything I do. After the baseball game, we borrowed your cousin, Layne, for the night for a sleepover. I told you the quietness of having you gone is eerie. Having someone around to play with your brothers is good for us. The louder the better. It makes them happy and seems to help them. It helps me too. The quiet scares me and is something that I am not comfortable with.

If I could have any wish in the world, Ronan, it would be for you to come back to me. Please. I’m begging you. I don’t know what to do without you. I feel dead. I don’t think I’ll ever feel alive again. I know I have your brothers and I know how lucky I am to have them, but that still does not make the pain any better. How can I live without you? Is this whole thing even real? I said today to Sarah, I feel like I’m on that show “Lost.” Is this what Purgatory is like? I feel like I am trapped between heaven and hell and there is no escaping. All I want is to be with you. I cannot believe you are not here for me to kiss, to hold, to watch you grow up and play sports, to take care of when you are sick. I can’t believe just 30 days ago, I gave you a bath after you died and then had to leave you behind in a room as your body was carried out. I cannot believe the last words  you really said to me were to “Stop being sad, Mom!” That’s it. That’s all I get? It’s not good enough, Ronan and I don’t know what to do. I need you to guide me and to tell me that I can get through this because as of now, I don’t even want to. Everything hurts too much.

I’m sorry for unloading on you, little man. I talked to Doriet tonight and she is in the same place as I am. I hurt for her so much too. Esther passed away May 6th. You, May 9th. Two of the most special old souls that have ever existed. You two have brought us together and I know it is because you and Esther are together now, watching over us. You two will take care of each other just the way Doriet and I will take care of one another. By talking about you, loving each other, and going on because of the love we have for the both of you. Somehow, baby. Somehow I will get through this.

I love you Ronan. I love you to the moon and back baby boy. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Barley Breathing

Ronan. Everything with you ended too quickly. I thought we would have so much time left together. We had so many plans to fight so long and so hard for you; until we got you better. We had plans for your brothers to spend the summer in NYC with us while we went through your treatments. I’ll never fully grasp how quickly things spiraled out of control. How quickly the tides turned and before I knew it your little life had slipped from my hands. I’d give anything to have you still here; fighting and all. Just to hear you laugh, to see your smile, to have you sleeping next to me. I still cannot fully sit back and think about our reality. I feel like a fish out of water and I have to fight for every breath I take. I’ve never had to focus on breathing in my life and now this takes up most of my day as I often feel like I am not getting enough oxygen to my brain. I now have to sit and making sure I am not going to suffocate and concentrate on getting air into my lungs. This is what it feels like to have you gone. Every second of the day I feel either numb or in so much pain that my body shakes and everything hurts.

Now that you are gone, I watch videos of you on my computer. I touch the screen, hoping that you will come out of my screen and magically appear in my room. You don’t. Instead I am flooded with hysterical sobbing that I cannot control. I don’t fight it. I take this time during the day to miss you so badly that I am inconsolable. I do this alone when nobody else is here. It’s better for me that way. I’m not ready to grieve for you in front of anyone else the way that I grieve for you alone. It is too painful for anyone else to see.

Yesterday, we did the usual stuff around here. We filled our day with errands and organizing things. I walked past your room and noticed your door was closed. I thought for a second it was you playing in your room, but then I remembered that you are gone. I opened up your door and peeked inside. It wasn’t you playing at all. It was Liam. He was sitting on your floor, alone, playing with your Star Wars guys. I cannot even think about this story without it destroying me. I asked him if he was o.k. He said he was, he was just playing. I let him be. I couldn’t even go and sit on the floor to be with him. I wish I could have, but I’m not ready for your room yet.

I went to breakfast with Tricia, Danille, Julie and Marisa yesterday. We sat at Taylors. The girls ate. I nibbled on some of Trish’s omelette and some of Danielle’s bagel. I sat with the girls and ended up crying about you, telling them that I just don’t know how we are all going to be alright. I wish I could say they had some words of wisdom; but they didn’t. And I’m glad they didn’t. That just goes to show what true friends they are. They know there are no words of wisdom for this and they know not to bullshit me. So instead, they sat and listened to me and got teary eyed instead. That was all I needed from them. After breakfast, I went with Danielle and Marisa to Kirland. All the book stores have disappeared around here so we had to go to the one out there. I wanted to get Liam and Quinn some chapter books to read for the summer. I missed you in the book store. I missed you as we walked past the fountain at Kirland. I remembered how the two of us would go there and I would let you run around in the water. I remembered how amazingly tan your skin would get from the sun. My little brown bear. So happy and carefree.

Liam and Quinn had a sleepover at Luca’s last night. Your daddy and I went out for Sushi with Uncle Jay, Charlene, Kenny and Stacy. I was sitting there, trying to enjoy the ambiance as hard as I possibly could. Good people, food, and atmosphere. I looked up and saw one of the doctors from PCH that works in the clinic. I cannot remember her name; but I’ll never forget her face. She was supposed to help us through transplant. I told you that you are everywhere. Stacy was trying to talk to me and I told her I couldn’t concentrate as I had just seen somebody from PCH. I needed a minute to compose myself and to talk myself out of running out of the restaurant screaming bloody murder. I sat and told Stacy how even sitting at dinner just seemed wrong. How could I be out, trying to do something normal like eating dinner when everything is wrong? To do something even remotely enjoyable feels like I am betraying you. I am hurting so badly inside that I should not be out in public at all. I feel like I should be standing in my imaginary hole in my backyard that somebody needs to dig for me so I can hide in it forever. I don’t want to be out, trying to eat sushi. But I know if I don’t, that is when the real trouble will begin. I know this so I talk myself into being brave and doing the things that are now so awkward and wrong to me. I do this to keep some sense of normalcy for you Daddy. So I can sit next to him in the booth and hold his hand. So I can make him feel like we are a part of something normal, together. I do this but I don’t like it. I wonder if I will ever be able to breathe normally again.  I wonder a lot of things, baby.

That is all I can write tonight as I need my mind to shut off tonight. I’m having lots of anxiety getting your brothers ready for summer. I have to pull it together for them as they need me more than ever. I know this.

G’nite my little man. I love you. I miss you. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Fucking Hot Lava

Ronan. The days without you are so long. It feels like you’ve been gone forever. I didn’t sleep well last night, despite the help of my Ambien. I fell asleep around 1:30 and awoke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6 a.m. I didn’t have anything of importance to do and everyone else was asleep. I showered and headed out the door 2 hours early for my therapist appointment. I wasn’t sure how I was going to kill the time, but I was restless. There was a little light on in my car that said something about one of light needing to be fixed. Normally, I would have put off this annoying errand for a month. Today, I couldn’t get to the dealership fast enough. I dropped off my car and was told to wait inside. Once inside, I headed for the Starbucks coffee line. The barista was having trouble today as her credit card machine was not working. I sat and patiently waited as she complained about this for 5 minutes and huffed and puffed about how it was the worst day ever. I wanted to reach across the counter and strangle her. If she only knew. I left a few of your Rockstar Ronan cards on her table so maybe she would see them and out of curiosity, she would Google you. Then maybe, just maybe, baby; you could teach her what the worst day of your life really looks like.

My car was soon ready and I pounced out the door to head over to see my therapist Sarah. We had a really good session. She is so sad. She reads this blog so she knows the connection you and I have. I feel like she knows you. She gets it so it is very easy for me to talk to her. We talked about you the entire time. How you were such an old soul. How you had taught me so much in such a short amount of time. We talked about your afterlife and if I ever thought I would see you again. I cried a bit, but told her I am mostly just numb. I told her how I am just waiting for my breakdown to happen as it hasn’t yet. I told her I feel like as I’ve grieved for 8 months now and now that it is over; I’m not sure what to do as I am most definitely in shock. I cried when I told her how I hoped you were not scared at all right before you left. That’s one of the things that kills me most; to think of you being scared. I promised I would take care of you forever and I hope you never stopped believing that.

After my session, I met my friend Pam so she could help me get your brothers their outfits for your service. I found what I was looking for and Pam laughed at the thought of dressing your brother, Liam, up in all white as his nickname is “Pigpen,” from Charlie Brown. Liam tends to get a little messy no matter what he is doing and making him wear white on Sunday should be interesting. We got him some Khaki pants instead.

Once I returned home, I came to find your restless brothers. They were begging for their new best friend, Luca, to come over. That is Fernanda’s little boy. They have been spending a lot of time with him. You would love him, baby. He is such a sweet soul. As we were waiting for Luca to arrive, I was in my room and walked out to find you. I asked your brothers where you were. My heart instantly dropped because I remembered that you are gone. I started panicking and it is very hard to be at home, in our house, without you. It all feels so wrong. I knew I had to get out of our house so I told the boys’ we could walk to Uncle Jay’s to go swimming. Fernanda brought Luca over and I took all three boys swimming. I jumped off the diving board for you and pictured you laughing at me. I saw a lot of you playing in the pool with us and thought about how different it would have been with you there. I miss you so much.

After we went swimming, we came back home and played outside. Heidi brought Luke over and pretty soon our house was filled with friendly people. It was good for me as I need the distraction when I am here. Your brothers and their friends played basketball with your Daddy and Uncle Jay. I sat with Fernanda, Heidi, and Tiffany and we talked about a lot of things. Soon, I became restless and jetted out the door just to get out of the house. Gay called me as soon as I was in my car and we decided to meet for a pedicure. I was nervous about it, as all the girls in the salon know you; but I decided to hold my chin up high and go in for you. You would have been proud. Just before I was trying to get up the courage to go in; Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. You must have told him I was having a hard time. I ended up sobbing on the phone to him and he did his usual listening and tried to give me his best pep talk. He asked where I was and I told him I was trying to go inside of my pedicure place. He told me in his sternest voice, to basically get my ass out of the car and get inside. I listened. I am glad I did. The girls greeted me inside with lots of hugs. It was hard; but nice. I then sat with Gay and we laughed a little and talked about you. She has not told her 3 sons yet about you being gone. They are going to be devastated.

I came home to your Nana, Daddy, and brothers. Danielle was here to to bring me Fro Yo and go over some things about your service with me. I was having her help me with the music and pictures. You cannot deny the feeling of emptiness in our house. Tricia stopped by and I went back into the laundry room to do something. Your Nana was in your room and I as I was walking down the hall, she asked me to come in and look at something. I took 3 steps in your room and SHIT. I turned around as fast as I could. Fucking Hot lava. Remember the game we used to play, baby? The hot lava game at the hospital and we could only step on certain parts of the floor, otherwise we would die in the hot lava. Well, your room to me is hot lava and I forget tonight. I am not ready to go in there yet. I screamed something and ran into my room and locked myself in my bathroom. I held myself and sobbed for a few minutes. Your daddy came chasing after me, begging me to open the door; but I would not listen. After some time, I opened the door and ran out into the living room and screamed something at everyone out there about how I didn’t want to look at Uncle Shawn’s stupid shirt that he is wearing for your service because I was not supposed to go into your room. I then ran back to my room and only remember your daddy putting me in my bed and sitting quietly next to me. He spoke about you and how much he misses you. I cried about how I just wanted you back. All I want is you back. More than anything in the world.

You daddy drew me a bath. It was extra hot tonight. I thought about how you would have wanted to get in with me, but it would have burned your skin, baby. It was a mama’s only bath tonight. I sat and looked for you. I look for you all the time. I saw you tonight. You were in the reflection of my white curtains that I had closed in front of my bathtub. I’ve taken a bath in that tub hundreds of times; and never in my life have I seen the light that flickered on the curtains in front of my tub. They have never been there. Tonight, they danced about and I reached out to touch you. We held hands for a long time. I told you how much I love you. I asked if you were o.k. You teased me with your dancing about and I could just hear your little giggle and see those bright eyes of yours. I stayed with you this way for a good 20 minutes. I then told you, “Sweet dreams, baby.”

I am now sitting on the patio with Quinny. It is so nice out tonight and the air is so crisp. I blew a kiss to the moon and told you I love you to the moon and back; because I do. A million times over. It is your birthday soon, baby. We will celebrate you tomorrow. We will celebrate you in the best way we know how. Whatever that means now. It all seems so very strange and very dream-like. Everything is still foggy. Quinny is cold so we are going to go inside in a few minutes. He is taking very good care of your “Gigi,” for you. It still smells like you. I love you, Ronan. I will see you in my dreams. G’nite my love.

xoxo

Dear Friends,

I know a lot of you have been asking about Ronan’s services this weekend. We have decided to do something very small and private for Ronan as we want to keep things as we know how he would have wanted them. Ronan never liked to be the center of attention. We also had to consider our twins in this decision as everything is very overwhelming to them. We have invited only the people that Ronan knew intimately, especially over this past year. You will be contacted via phone call, email, or text if you are invited.

I hope you know how much it means to us to feel the impact our little guy has had in our community and all over the world. We want to include you all in honoring him so we have thought of a way that you can do so. We will be releasing all different colors of balloons at his service at 7:15 p.m. on Sunday. We ask that you all join us, and release balloons as well. Lets fill the sky with love for our Ro baby. We know he will be smiling down from above at all of your beautiful faces. It would mean so much to us and I hope it means just as much to all of you. Again, thank you all for you love and support, especially during this very difficult time. One day, I hope to meet each and every one of you and give you the hug that you deserve.

Sweet dreams, my lovely friends.

xoxo