I’ll follow you into the dark

Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. This morning I woke up late and so did your brothers. I didn’t fall asleep until about 3 a.m., so we slept in until around 9. I don’t know what exactly happened this morning. Actually, I do. A couple of things. Your daddy called. He was upset. He said he had awful nightmares about you all night long and did not sleep well. His dreams of you are always the same. He dreams of the two of you playing together, and you are so happy. But then you die. Hearing your dad’s voice today shook me to the core. He was so upset, which in turn, upsets me.  I then got on the internet and I was obsessing over Neuroblastoma stories, treatments, doctors, etc…. It was like I was in a black hole and could not come out. Even though you are gone, and your little life could not be saved, I sit and obsess about what we could have done differently. It’s pure torture, but I also find the need to educate myself as much as possible. I cannot get this Dr. Sholler out of my head either. After an hour of reading, I was in a bad place. I came out of my room to make your brothers breakfast and the fighting between them started up. I lost it. I mean, completely lost it. I started bawling in front of them, telling them how I could not handle their fighting today. I told them how it was not fair that you just died, and how they need to be so thankful that they have each other and LIFE, as you didn’t have a choice to live life anymore. I told them, as I was hysterically crying, that I was so sad about losing you that I don’t even know what to do anymore. Uhhhh… maybe a little too heavy for 7 year olds, but today, I couldn’t calm myself down. I think I scared them and I know it upset them to see me so upset. They both ended up crying and wrapping their arms around me and telling me they were sorry. We sat for a while and cried together and talked about how much we miss you and how much we are all hurting. I told them how it is good for them to cry, how I understand that they are boys and they are going to fight, but today, I needed them to cut me some slack. Today, I just could not emotionally handle the fighting that I know is a natural part of being brothers. But today, I just needed a break. They gave it to me and after we cried and I got them settled down, I had them sit at the table and do some writing and workbooks. I mainly did this so I could get in my phone call with my therapist, Sarah. I closed my bedroom door and as soon as Sarah picked up, I was a blubbering mess. I don’t remember much about the beginning of the conversation, but I ended up calming down. I think she even got me to laugh about a tee-shirt we were joking I was going to have made. In fact, I know she made me laugh which is why I love her so much. She has that same dark sense of humor that I do. I eat that stuff up. It works for me. We talked a lot about you, of course. She told me how it’s like I’m living in a paradox world. I couldn’t agree more. That is so how I feel. We talked about your old soul, as we are both convinced that you are one. She thinks I am one as well and we both think that I have known you in a past life. I have no doubt that we have been together many times before you were born, Ronan. It is why our bond is so strong. After my talk with Sarah, I felt better. She pulled me out of the hole that I was ready to bury myself in today. I got off the phone with her and got Liam and Quinn ready to head out to the Padres baseball game with your Papa Charlie, Uncle Larry, and all of your cousins. They needed a day out and the baseball game was the perfect place for them.

Your Mimi Kay asked if I wanted to head over to Fashion Valley with her. I said, of course and we spent the day together. We had lunch and shopped a bit. We had a good talk about you. She told me how Papa dreams about you all the time and how you always have your hair. Mimi says when she dreams of you, you are still bald. I told her how I don’t dream about you. She said she is sure that I do, that I just don’t remember it. I hope she is right. Not dreaming about you is really hard on me. I would give anything to see you, even if it is only in my dreams. That is the best it is going to get for the rest of my life. I don’t even know how to comprehend this. How can you really be gone. How can only being able to dream about you ever be enough? It won’t be, but it’s all I have now, Ro. So please, come and see me and let me see you. I’m not scared and I miss your face so much.

After my day out with Mimi, we returned back to Coronado. Your brothers were on the lawn playing baseball with your cousins. I put on my running clothes and ran a fast 6 miles. After my run, I went and played baseball with everyone. It was sweet and fun but it also hurt. All I could do was picture you playing with us. You are always missing from everything we do and it is so hard to go on with everyday things like playing a baseball game. You would have been proud of the ball I caught in the air that got Liam out. You would have been proud of the way that I thought of you when I caught that ball. I think of you in everything I do. After the baseball game, we borrowed your cousin, Layne, for the night for a sleepover. I told you the quietness of having you gone is eerie. Having someone around to play with your brothers is good for us. The louder the better. It makes them happy and seems to help them. It helps me too. The quiet scares me and is something that I am not comfortable with.

If I could have any wish in the world, Ronan, it would be for you to come back to me. Please. I’m begging you. I don’t know what to do without you. I feel dead. I don’t think I’ll ever feel alive again. I know I have your brothers and I know how lucky I am to have them, but that still does not make the pain any better. How can I live without you? Is this whole thing even real? I said today to Sarah, I feel like I’m on that show “Lost.” Is this what Purgatory is like? I feel like I am trapped between heaven and hell and there is no escaping. All I want is to be with you. I cannot believe you are not here for me to kiss, to hold, to watch you grow up and play sports, to take care of when you are sick. I can’t believe just 30 days ago, I gave you a bath after you died and then had to leave you behind in a room as your body was carried out. I cannot believe the last words  you really said to me were to “Stop being sad, Mom!” That’s it. That’s all I get? It’s not good enough, Ronan and I don’t know what to do. I need you to guide me and to tell me that I can get through this because as of now, I don’t even want to. Everything hurts too much.

I’m sorry for unloading on you, little man. I talked to Doriet tonight and she is in the same place as I am. I hurt for her so much too. Esther passed away May 6th. You, May 9th. Two of the most special old souls that have ever existed. You two have brought us together and I know it is because you and Esther are together now, watching over us. You two will take care of each other just the way Doriet and I will take care of one another. By talking about you, loving each other, and going on because of the love we have for the both of you. Somehow, baby. Somehow I will get through this.

I love you Ronan. I love you to the moon and back baby boy. Sweet dreams.


13 responses to “I’ll follow you into the dark”

  1. Sascha (the Netherlands) Avatar
    Sascha (the Netherlands)

    Dear Maya,
    So sorry that you had a rough day! You are an inspiration to many! I hope Ronan visits you in your dreams!!


  2. i love the picture you posted of you and Ronan! It’s still hard to believe he’s not here, I cannot imagine how you must feel. I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. I have made it a goal of mine to pray for you and your family every day, all the time. You’re doing the best you can. Enjoy the beach, your boys, the love of friends and family. I pray these things help ease your pain. Thinking of you…

  3. Hey Maya,
    I just wanted to tell you that Will Lacy is a little boy who has been treated by Dr. Sholler for many years. I know you are very interested in her and her work and so I wanted to give you this link in case you want to do a little research. She is absolutely amazing. Look up his dad’s blog (Will’s Friends / Will Lacy) and peruse all they have to say about her and her new center and how he actually attributes his health to her. I am absolutely in awe of this woman and what she is doing and how she is dedicating her life to saving children from this dreaded NB. Another little friend of our’s is with her now too and she is giving them hope despite the fact that it is a relapse case. She customizes care and gives hope when there is often none. “Will’s Friends” (Will Lacy) is also on Facebook and Dr. Sholler is often referenced on there as well. Anyway, just thought I’d pass on. We are faithful blog followers, loyal Ronan lovers, and devoted Maya supporters!!!!!!

  4. I’m so sorry for your pain! There really isn’t any words!! Please let go of your guilt for crying and being honest with your boys! They need to see this side of you too.. Your words to them afterwards were so powerful! It let’s them know its ok to fall and to even lean on them once in awhile! Let their warm hugs comfort you, even just for a moment!
    I pray your baby comes to you in your dreams soon! Maybe he is waiting til he is sure you are ok.
    You are an amazing woman!! Your strength for your boys is unreal!! Keep fighting, keep taking deep breaths..even if only one moment at a time. Noone expects any less!
    I know I don’t know you and never had the joy of meeting Ronan, but I feel in my heart he is so very proud of you!!
    May you find peace in the smallest of things today!!

  5. Please, don’t ask me if I’m over it yet
    I’ll never get over it
    Please, don’t tell me he’s in a better place
    He’s not here with me
    Please, don’t say at least he isn’t suffering
    I haven’t come to terms with why he had to suffer at all
    Please, don’t tell me you know how I feel
    Unless you have lost a child
    Please, don’t ask me if I feel better
    Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up
    Please, don’t tell me you had him for so many years
    What year would you choose for your child to die?
    Please, don’t tell me God never gives more than we can bare
    Please, just say you are sorry
    Please, just say you’ll remember my child
    Please, just let me talk about my child
    Please, mention my child’s name
    Please, just let me cry.

    Read this today…

  6. I’m so sorry about everything Maya. I didnt realize that Esther was the name of your friend’s daughter who also passed away. Now looking back on your post about driving into Laguna, I find it absolutely incredible that of all the places you could have chosen to meet you were led to a street that had the 2 stores ‘Esther’ and ‘To the Moon.’. Not a coincidence at all. Of ALL of the places you could have chosen to met. Ronan’s hand, God’s hand, completely in it. Praying for you always…

  7. Sorry that you had such a rough day, you are letting it out and that is healthy. I so glad you have family there with you, family can really help. I hope Woody will be back with you all for the weekend. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. Keep making those baby steps forward, one day at a time. All our love always.

  8. Maya, my heart aches for you. I want to wrap my arms around you and hold you up. It’s okay for the boys to see you cry. I think they will see it’s okay to cry and talk about Ronan and the love you share with them will help pick you all up. My heart aches for Woody too 😦

    Love that picture of you and Ronan 🙂 those baby blue eyes that captured my heart.

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Sending you hugs…
    Peace and strength!!!

  9. Maya –
    Thank you for, once again, posting such a powerful and emotional blog. You are changing lives everywhere. I have decided to volunteer/raise funds at childrens cancer fund in my home town of Dallas, TX in honor of Ronan. I hope more people will decide to help find a cure and raise awareness for childhood cancer from reading your blogs. I know your Ronan is so proud of his mother for doing everything that you could for him.
    Please keep taking baby steps…..and on those days when you feel like you can’t….don’t. Be gentle with yourself. Cry as much as you need to, smile as much as you need to, and say fuck to cancer as much as you need to.
    Keep posting!

  10. Katie R – I’m in Dallas as well. What children’s cancer fund are you supporting and perhaps we can strengthen efforts in Dallas together…cgolsch@sbcglobal.net

  11. Maya –

    Being a man and a father myself (maybe the only one who posts here!), I have often wondered about your husband Woody’s perspective and how he may be doing. Reading your post from today and your description of your husband’s dreams that he had, I tried to specifically put myself in his place and imagine what he must be going through. And I couldn’t do it – it is unfathomable to me and honestly terrifying when I try to think about how I could ever handle losing one of my children. I’m so sorry for his pain and for yours and that of your family – no parent should ever have to go through the hell you are going through.

    In comments I have previously posted to your blog, I have marveled repeatedly at how strong of a mother and person I believe you to be. Part of my reasoning for believing this is your belief in the therapeutic process and in your willingness to embrace it in order to make it through this horrible time – both for you and your boys. However, I don’t remember if you have written before about the type of support that Woody has for himself.

    Of course, I realize that this is your blog and not his – and also I would like to make clear again that I do not know you or your husband personally at all. I am only a reader of your blog, and it would be tremendously insulting for me to offer any advice at all to either one of you. All that being said, I would only like to throw out there that men are taught by our culture to bury their feelings, to bury their pain, to bury themselves in work when something catastrophic happens in their lives. I have no doubt that Woody is a wonderful man and a terrific husband and father – all of which I believe to be the only metrics that truly matter when determining what kind of man someone truly is. So from the standpoint of one standup guy looking out for another, I am just hoping that your husband is taking some time and has some resources setup to maybe help him with the grieving process.

    Again, the last thing I want to do is step over the line here – I respect both of you too much to do that. I just know how reading some of your past blog posts have made me feel – the anguish in your writing being at times so visceral that it is painful for me to even read. And I guess something about reading about your description of your husband’s dreams maybe triggered a little of that for me again. I don’t know, maybe it’s as simple as you can’t mistake true heartbreak when you read it.

    My best wishes and thoughts to you, Woody, and your boys Liam, Quinn and Ronan.

  12. this made me cry

  13. You are an amazing person and from what i’v read so is your son. I admire you in so many ways and I even though I have never met Ronan or you I know I will never forget either of you. You are truly amazing!

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