It’s going to be amazeballs! Buy your tickets now or you can also purchase at the door! I hope to see you all on Saturday!
Ronan. Someone had a party in your room last night and it was not you. That would have been me and my friend, Ambien that I have not taken for weeks now. It’s funny how just when you think you are making progress with little things like a normal sleep schedule and BAM! Out of nowhere, 10 giant steps back. Where is my natural sleep remedy, your New York Miss Macy when I need her? And why does that girl always relax me so much that I sleep like a baby when she is around? Insomnia strikes again tonight as well. Good times around here.
I had a meeting this morning. I felt like a zombie. I took your brothers with me. They quietly sat at the table with us and ate their breakfast. Not a peep was made. Sometimes they are so good that it makes me want to scream, but I was thankful for it this morning. After my meeting in regards to the Sept. 29th event, I ran your brothers to basketball camp. I went by Dr. JoRo’s office to sit and get some things done. She has been letting me use it while she hasn’t been there. I think I was pretty productive but I ended up crying hysterically when one of my MISS mama friends, popped her head into the room to see how I was doing. I tried to say fine, but the tears that followed told the truth. She came and hugged me and sat with me for a while. She told me about the dream she had of you. She asked if there was anything she could do. I just told her no. That there was nothing, anyone could do. She said she knew. I left there shortly after that as I had to pick up your brothers. We came home and spent the rest of the day, hanging out. I made them lunch and tried to do all the normal things that a normal mom does during the day when she does not have a dead child. It still feels foreign to me to go on with normal day to day things. I would give anything back to go back to our cancer world where all I did was take care of you and your brothers when I could. It is such an unfair world but it is so much less cruel than this. Your daddy came home and I told him I needed to go hiking. He took your brothers to Costco and to play basketball for me. I headed up to Camelback around 6:30 p.m. It was still so bloody hot out. I hiked that mountain as fast as I could. At one point my heart was racing so quickly that I thought to myself, I wonder why my body doesn’t just give out and have a heart attack right here. I wonder if this is what it feels like? I was panting so hard trying to get up the last stretch that I could not even breathe. There was some dude behind me. Ummmm, no way was I letting him beat me. He didn’t. I won the little made up competition in my head. I fell to the ground at the top as I could not even stand. I sat there and tried to get my heart rate to come down. I was dry heaving but due to not eating the entire day, I had nothing to throw up. I know I should have been up walking about but my legs would not let me stand back up. I soaked up the bright pink sunset. It was gorgeous up there. I spent way too long at my church, but that tends to happen to me up there. I could sit for hours and talk to you. It was already dark as I headed back down. Dark on Camelback is not a good or safe thing. The trail is steep, rocky, loose gravel everywhere. I did my best to navigate my way down with the little light that was left shining from the moon. I left my headlamp in the car. I was in a fuck it all mood today so fuck it all is what I did. The headlamp did not stand a chance of making it into your little backpack. I got down, somehow. Guided by you of course. It’s the only way I get through things now. I came home, threw off my drenched clothes and got in the shower. I felt so tired that I was sure tonight was going to be an easy night of sleep. I snuggled up to your daddy. I tried to be peaceful but that did not work. I ended up throwing pillows, tossing and turning only to wake him up from his very peaceful sleep of slumber. I told him I was sorry, I loved him, but had to get out of our room. He said it was alright but I know how much he misses me when I don’t sleep in our bed with him. Maybe I’ll attempt to go back there later.
I found out something from Fernanda today. Something that she didn’t tell me but she should have told me. I am just thankful that it is you, who is watching over her and taking care of her to make sure she is o.k. I know she has been talking to you a lot and asking you to help her with some things. You are being such a good, brave boy by taking good care of her so nothing can happen to her. I need her here, for a very long time. Remember how good of care, she took of us? I won’t ever forget it. Now it’s your turn, to take care of her, o.k. baby boy. I know you always are. Thank you for that.
I’m queasy probably from the way I over did things today. I’m getting sleepy. I think I’ll go and cuddle up to that daddy of yours. Goodnight baby doll. I’m so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Ronan. Turns out, I don’t do so well, in Coronado. I don’t think I did so well here last year, and I don’t think I’m doing so well here, this year either. It just dawned on me, a few days ago as to why. It dawned on me, while I had been sitting in bed for the entire day, watching one certain video of you, over and over again. The video is of you, when you were maybe almost two. I shot it right out in front of the beach that we have been playing at every single day, since getting here. It might just be one of my most favorite videos I have of you. Where you are sitting in the sand, you take a handful of it, shove it in your mouth and eat it. I yelled to you, “Ewwww, Ronan!!! Don’t eat the sand!” You looked me dead in the eye, and shoved some more sand in your mouth and ate it, again. I love that you ate the sand. I love so much, that you ate the sand, again, even when I told you not to. I cannot come back to Coronado again, next year. I cannot keep coming to the same place, that we used to take you every year, without you. Not having you here, and trying to make all these new memories in the very same spot I spent so much time with you, is not happening. It’s making me sick to my stomach. I keep looking for you in the pool that I used to watch you swim in, the beach that we used to run on, the grass we used to play in, and you are just not here. This is the last summer that we will come here. I cannot do this again.
I have been taking your brothers across the street every day to play basketball. And I’m not the kind of mom, who just sits on the bench and watches them play. I’ve been playing with them. Engaging, encouraging, running, and jumping with them. Doing it all when it takes everything I have, to do all of this. I was doing fine, until a mom came into the empty gym with her 3 boys. An older boy who was about your brothers age and twin boys who looked to be about 3. I was doing fine, until this mom started playing with her 3 boys too. I looked over at them, laughing and shooting the basketball. I tried my best to ignore them. I was getting ready to make a sweet lay-up, and all of a sudden, I felt like I no longer had the attention of your brothers as I could feel their eyes, elsewhere. I stopped what I was doing to see why it was that nobody was guarding me or trying to block my shot. My eyes fell over to Liam and Quinn. They both looked like they were in a trance and were stopped dead in their tracks, watching this mom and her 3 boys. I did my, “Hey, you guys! I’m going to score on you!” But they both didn’t budge an inch. They were totally engrossed in this mom and her 3 sons. I wanted so slit my wrists, right then and there. I tried to throw my basketball so hard into the backboard, that is shattered the glass, everywhere. That plan didn’t work. That glass is pretty resistant. You know what isn’t resistant? The palpable pain in your brothers eyes. The way I swear I could see your reflection, in their eyes due to the way they both miss you, so much. I did my best to distract the situation at hand and it took everything I had not to just stop and scream at the top of my lungs, ” HEY! LIAM AND QUINN! STOP STARING AT THAT MOM AND HER 3 BOYS! JUST STOP! I KNOW THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN US! I KNOW I PROMISED YOU THAT RONAN WOULDN’T DIE! I KNOW RONAN WAS OUR ENTIRE WORLD! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS HIM! I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING! I AM SO SORRY NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME! I AM SO SORRY WE ARE ALL SO SAD AND WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM! BUT PLEASE, STOP STARING AT WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND WHAT WILL NEVER BE AGAIN! PLEASE! IT’S KILLING ME!” I didn’t yell that. I gathered your brothers up instead and we left the gym. We came home, I fed them lunch, and then they went off to play with your cousins at the beach. I stayed behind and sunk into bed for the rest of the day. I think I’ve been in bed, off and on, for days now. I’ve been going for some runs, here and there. I’ve been surfing a little. I’ve been crying a lot. Quinn asked why I’ve been sleeping so much. I’ve been sleeping a lot more than normal. I guess not as much sleeping, but more laying in bed, crying. I woke up crying this morning. Your daddy wanted to know what was wrong. I told him the same as always, but today my sadness seemed extra heavy. It wasn’t until half way through the day, that I realized that today is the 9th. 13 months now, since you’ve been gone.
Today, is your brothers 9th birthday. I cannot even believe, it’s been 9 years since I had them. They have grown up so fast, in the best and worst way possible. The best being that up until losing you, they had the best life possible. Since losing you, they have had to grow up in a way that one should never have to grow up. They are more insightful, compassionate, and wise beyond their years due to watching their little brother get cancer, and then die from it. I would not wish their wise beyond their years ways, on anybody. We all did the best we could do today. It was actually an o.k. day and your brothers seemed to have a great birthday. Thankfully, they have your cousins here to take away some of the sadness. They spent the day playing basketball, video games, swimming, and now they are all tucked in having a sleepover and watching a movie. We all dropped your daddy off at the airport tonight as he had to go back to Phoenix. It’s always extra sad when he goes. He won’t be back until next week so I’ll have to figure out a way, to find my pretend happiness while he is away. I cannot just lay in bed, crying all day as your daddy is not here to take your brothers off and away so they don’t see that. Thankfully, your New York Miss Macy is coming in on Thursday for a few days. I can be guaranteed some happiness on the days that she is here. She is the sunshine in my life that always makes everything better. The days are less gloomy when she is here. A true gift from you indeed.
This is all I can write tonight. I’m tired from the day. Happy Birthday to your brothers. I am so lucky to be their mama. They are the best things that I have left in my life, besides your daddy. I love you. I miss you. I wish you could have been with us tonight. I tried not to cry as I watched them blow out their candles. Everything they do, is a reminder to me, of what you are not here to do. I’m sorry, baby boy. I hope you are safe.
She is changing the world. She is getting shit done. She is moving mountains. She is on of the biggest reasons that I am alive. She is responsible for saving my life. I am thankful every single hell on earth day for her. I love you, Dr. JoRo.
Ronan. Your birthday. Daddy’s birthday. Liam and Quinn’s Birthday. Next up…. Father’s Day. Tomorrow. It’s hard enough having you gone, but having these “celebrations,” without you is unbearable. Tomorrow, I will somehow manage to get myself out of bed, somehow manage to go on about the day, somehow I will let your daddy know how much you love him. I will love him for you tomorrow. I can’t believe he has to be without you, so soon on fucking Father’s Day. No.No.No.No.No. This still can’t be true. I’ve managed to get through these days without you, but I do not want tomorrow to come. I wish we could all sleep right through it and wake up on Monday. Can’t we just skip over Father’s Day tomorrow?? I’m tired of these celebrations so soon after having you gone. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of an open wound. It’s all happening way too soon. I’m so sorry for your daddy. I’m so sorry that you can’t be with us tomorrow. I would give anything to change this, Ro. I know you know that.
We spent today at the pool and the beach with Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and Baby Chase. It was a gorgeous day out. I went surfing for a couple of hours. The Coronado beach was full of seaweed today. I was literally paddling my board out to get past the waves and my hands were full of seaweed after each stroke that I took. I didn’t mind though; it was so gross and unlike anything I have ever experienced before that it made me laugh. The waves were small today but it was good for me as I am still learning how to get the hang of this whole surfing thing. I stood up a lot which also made me smile. After I had been out for about an hour, I came back in to warm up. As I was laying on my towel, I heard some guys in the group of people next to me talking about how they were out boogie boarding and a little seal was out there with them. I, of course, thought of you. I wished I had seen this little seal today but just hearing them talk about it made me smile and cry all at the same time. You are my little seal. Your name always fit you so perfectly and you always reminded me of one with your playful ways. Even more so after you got cancer with your beautifully bald head and enormous seal eyes. Was that you today, watching over me without me even knowing you were so close by? I think it was. Thanks for keeping me safe. Next time, I’ll look for you.
After our beachy day, Laura and I ran some errands and your daddy and Kasey got the food ready to grill down by the pool. They cooked up a feast and we spent the evening eating and watching the kids run around and play. Liam and Quinn are so good with the little one’s. They were both so meant to be big brothers. I am so sad that they don’t have that anymore. They were always so good to you and loved you so much. My heart breaks for them almost more than it does mine. Watching them these past few days with Cameron and Chase has been beautiful and sad. They were meant to be big brothers in life. They were meant to be your big brothers. I’ll never understand this, Ro. Never. I’ll never understand why you had to be taken away from us. Such a cruel, cruel reality.
How am I going to get through tomorrow? How am I going to be strong enough to get your daddy through it? I’m about ready to start banning all holidays from now on except Halloween, which was your favorite. If I had my way from now on we’d only celebrate Halloween, and Birthdays. Everything else seems stupid and pointless. But so does everything without you. I’m sorry I’m being such a Debbie Downer tonight. My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do or how this is ever going to get better. I just miss you so very much. I’m going to go now, Ro. I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. I love you to the moon and back baby. Sweet dreams.
Chase and Quinn. Look how happy Quinn looks. He loved being your big brother so much, Ro.
Ronan. Hi baby. Missed you today. I woke up your brothers early. Well, early for us since we have been lazy beach bums sleeping in on most days. 8 a.m. was early for us today. I was tempted to let them sleep in as they looked so cozy and sleepy. They had to be at surf camp at 9 a.m. though, so waking them up was necessary. They so did not want to go. The both of them have been complaining that I signed them up for surf camp since I told them about it a month ago. Too bad, so sad, is what I basically told them. They kept insisting that they were not going to like it. I told them they wouldn’t know until they tried. It’s all week from 9-12. I got their cozy little buns out of bed, dressed and fed, and we headed down to the very cold beach this morning. They put on their little wetsuits and before I knew it they were off and running into the water. Most parents just dropped their kids off. I stayed and watched, took pictures, helped them and even got my sweats soaking wet as I was helping a little girl named Brooke, get out into the ocean. She was sooooo cute that I couldn’t resist. It was the best 3 hours I’ve had in a very long time. I was surprised how much I enjoyed just sitting and watching them and I was so impressed at how easily they picked up on it. Especially Liam. He really took to it and was really far out in the ocean with the instructor. He surfed up until the 3 hours were up. I am so proud of both of your brothers. They ended up loving it and can’t wait to go back tomorrow. I saw you while I was watching them. Those two little dolphins I saw the other day were out really close to Liam. I told Quinn it was you watching over Liam, to make sure he was safe in the ocean. He smiled and agreed with me. Thanks for that today, baby.
After the surf lesson was over, the boys were freezing so I took them over to the hot tub to warm up. Your daddy came down and brought down lunch to BBQ. We spent the next couple hours at the pool and the hot tub. After that, we headed back up to the condo. The boys were wiped out, but Quinn really wanted to rent one of those Surrey bikes that are in front of the Del. He has begged for weeks. Liam had no interest in going, and Woody had to work, so I headed off with Quinn to rent our bike. We rode all over the Island and ended up the school here. Quinn got a big kick out of my crazy driving and jumping the curb with our bike at the school. He was cracking up and I explained to him the importance of doing “boy,” things like that. I told him if you had been there, you would have made us do it over and over. In your honor, we took our Surry bike and jumped the curb 4 more times. We laughed the every time. It made me miss you so much, but it felt good to laugh with Quinn. I could tell the day meant a lot to him and it meant a lot to me as well. When we finished with our bike, we walked over to the Hotel Del to get him some ice cream. After our big day out, Quinn came back here and 20 minutes later, he was passed out cold. He slept for a few hours and woke up starving so I took him to get dinner. Liam, once again did not want to go. He is such a little homebody.
I have not had a day like today in a very long time. One where I almost enjoyed myself. Spending time with your brothers, watching them do something new, is the closest I’ve come to almost feeling happy since you left us. Happy, but I missed you a lot too. I know those two things will go hand and hand for the rest of my life now. I’ll always picture you with us, in everything we do. I know today, you would have been out on that beach with me, with your boogie board, watching your brothers and mad that you couldn’t be out surfing with them. You were always trying to keep up with them and I was always amazed at how well you did. Your fire and zest for life was something I have never seen in anyone in my life. You took everyday by storm and that is something that I miss doing with you. Together, we were unstoppable. I miss having you everywhere with me so much. If you can’t tell, I have a new little shadow now and his name is Quinn. He is stuck to me like glue and I am really trying to embrace him as much as possible. I can feel myself reconnecting to your brothers again, but Quinn is working extra hard to be by my side 24/7. Liam is so independent, that he is happy anywhere and has been spending a lot of time with your daddy. They are such similar creatures. I love watching the two of them together.
That is all for tonight my little monkey. I’ve got to try to get some sleep as we have another early day of surf camp tomorrow. I miss you more than words could ever say. I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe. I still worry about you so much. I would give anything to be able to kiss those sweet little lips of your. Sweet dreams, Ro.
Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. This morning I woke up late and so did your brothers. I didn’t fall asleep until about 3 a.m., so we slept in until around 9. I don’t know what exactly happened this morning. Actually, I do. A couple of things. Your daddy called. He was upset. He said he had awful nightmares about you all night long and did not sleep well. His dreams of you are always the same. He dreams of the two of you playing together, and you are so happy. But then you die. Hearing your dad’s voice today shook me to the core. He was so upset, which in turn, upsets me. I then got on the internet and I was obsessing over Neuroblastoma stories, treatments, doctors, etc…. It was like I was in a black hole and could not come out. Even though you are gone, and your little life could not be saved, I sit and obsess about what we could have done differently. It’s pure torture, but I also find the need to educate myself as much as possible. I cannot get this Dr. Sholler out of my head either. After an hour of reading, I was in a bad place. I came out of my room to make your brothers breakfast and the fighting between them started up. I lost it. I mean, completely lost it. I started bawling in front of them, telling them how I could not handle their fighting today. I told them how it was not fair that you just died, and how they need to be so thankful that they have each other and LIFE, as you didn’t have a choice to live life anymore. I told them, as I was hysterically crying, that I was so sad about losing you that I don’t even know what to do anymore. Uhhhh… maybe a little too heavy for 7 year olds, but today, I couldn’t calm myself down. I think I scared them and I know it upset them to see me so upset. They both ended up crying and wrapping their arms around me and telling me they were sorry. We sat for a while and cried together and talked about how much we miss you and how much we are all hurting. I told them how it is good for them to cry, how I understand that they are boys and they are going to fight, but today, I needed them to cut me some slack. Today, I just could not emotionally handle the fighting that I know is a natural part of being brothers. But today, I just needed a break. They gave it to me and after we cried and I got them settled down, I had them sit at the table and do some writing and workbooks. I mainly did this so I could get in my phone call with my therapist, Sarah. I closed my bedroom door and as soon as Sarah picked up, I was a blubbering mess. I don’t remember much about the beginning of the conversation, but I ended up calming down. I think she even got me to laugh about a tee-shirt we were joking I was going to have made. In fact, I know she made me laugh which is why I love her so much. She has that same dark sense of humor that I do. I eat that stuff up. It works for me. We talked a lot about you, of course. She told me how it’s like I’m living in a paradox world. I couldn’t agree more. That is so how I feel. We talked about your old soul, as we are both convinced that you are one. She thinks I am one as well and we both think that I have known you in a past life. I have no doubt that we have been together many times before you were born, Ronan. It is why our bond is so strong. After my talk with Sarah, I felt better. She pulled me out of the hole that I was ready to bury myself in today. I got off the phone with her and got Liam and Quinn ready to head out to the Padres baseball game with your Papa Charlie, Uncle Larry, and all of your cousins. They needed a day out and the baseball game was the perfect place for them.
Your Mimi Kay asked if I wanted to head over to Fashion Valley with her. I said, of course and we spent the day together. We had lunch and shopped a bit. We had a good talk about you. She told me how Papa dreams about you all the time and how you always have your hair. Mimi says when she dreams of you, you are still bald. I told her how I don’t dream about you. She said she is sure that I do, that I just don’t remember it. I hope she is right. Not dreaming about you is really hard on me. I would give anything to see you, even if it is only in my dreams. That is the best it is going to get for the rest of my life. I don’t even know how to comprehend this. How can you really be gone. How can only being able to dream about you ever be enough? It won’t be, but it’s all I have now, Ro. So please, come and see me and let me see you. I’m not scared and I miss your face so much.
After my day out with Mimi, we returned back to Coronado. Your brothers were on the lawn playing baseball with your cousins. I put on my running clothes and ran a fast 6 miles. After my run, I went and played baseball with everyone. It was sweet and fun but it also hurt. All I could do was picture you playing with us. You are always missing from everything we do and it is so hard to go on with everyday things like playing a baseball game. You would have been proud of the ball I caught in the air that got Liam out. You would have been proud of the way that I thought of you when I caught that ball. I think of you in everything I do. After the baseball game, we borrowed your cousin, Layne, for the night for a sleepover. I told you the quietness of having you gone is eerie. Having someone around to play with your brothers is good for us. The louder the better. It makes them happy and seems to help them. It helps me too. The quiet scares me and is something that I am not comfortable with.
If I could have any wish in the world, Ronan, it would be for you to come back to me. Please. I’m begging you. I don’t know what to do without you. I feel dead. I don’t think I’ll ever feel alive again. I know I have your brothers and I know how lucky I am to have them, but that still does not make the pain any better. How can I live without you? Is this whole thing even real? I said today to Sarah, I feel like I’m on that show “Lost.” Is this what Purgatory is like? I feel like I am trapped between heaven and hell and there is no escaping. All I want is to be with you. I cannot believe you are not here for me to kiss, to hold, to watch you grow up and play sports, to take care of when you are sick. I can’t believe just 30 days ago, I gave you a bath after you died and then had to leave you behind in a room as your body was carried out. I cannot believe the last words you really said to me were to “Stop being sad, Mom!” That’s it. That’s all I get? It’s not good enough, Ronan and I don’t know what to do. I need you to guide me and to tell me that I can get through this because as of now, I don’t even want to. Everything hurts too much.
I’m sorry for unloading on you, little man. I talked to Doriet tonight and she is in the same place as I am. I hurt for her so much too. Esther passed away May 6th. You, May 9th. Two of the most special old souls that have ever existed. You two have brought us together and I know it is because you and Esther are together now, watching over us. You two will take care of each other just the way Doriet and I will take care of one another. By talking about you, loving each other, and going on because of the love we have for the both of you. Somehow, baby. Somehow I will get through this.
I love you Ronan. I love you to the moon and back baby boy. Sweet dreams.