You speak in every curling wave


 

 

 

Ronan. Today started off as good as it possibly could, without you here. We woke up and Liam, Quinn, and Layne spent the morning playing together. I put on my good mommy boots and made them all a huge breakfast. Waffles, fruit, eggs, bacon, sausage…… you name it, it was on the table. I thought of you the entire time as I was making the scrambled eggs, just as you would have liked them. You used to insist that I made the best scrambled eggs ever and would only eat them if I made them for you. I loved that so much. Soon, Layne went home to get ready for the day. Your daddy took Quinn and went off to Costco and to run some errands. I stayed here with Liam and we just kind of had a lazy day. I cleaned and did a lot of laundry. I had a few things trigger a lot of tears today and I did a lot of throwing up. Your dad came home to me, a wreck, just sitting on the bed, bawling. Quinn took one look at my face and sat down with me at told me he loved me and started rubbing my back. I forced the tears to stop and got up to help them unpack the things from Costco. Your daddy and Quinn came home with my very own surfboard for me. It almost cheered me up, but I mostly just couldn’t wait to get out into the water so I could get my ass kicked. I was on a mission. Mission accomplished.

I got your brothers all ready for the beach and we headed out to meet your cousins. They had their stuff in the sand, but they were all in the pool. We set our stuff next to theirs, Liam and Quinn headed out to the pool and I grabbed my board and paddled out into the ocean. The ocean seemed as angry today as I was. The waves were ridiculously big. I didn’t care. I paddled out as far as I could, which ended up being really far. Wave after wave threw me from my board and under the water. I continued out there, to try to get past them. I got up a few times, I asked for your help. At one point as I was paddling out, I looked up and a huge wave was getting ready to come crashing down on me. I think I said, “Oh shit,” out loud and ended up flying off my board and the fin ended up hitting the back of my arm really hard. I almost thought it was sliced open, that’s how badly it hurt. Turns out, it was not…. it turned into a big welt and bruise instead. No big deal, yo. As much as it’s hurting tonight, I am choosing to ignore it because all I can do is think about you and all the pain you felt, especially towards the end of your fight. This stupid welt on my arm has nothing on you, Ro. I surfed for a couple of hours and the current ended up pushing me really far away from my starting point. Tiffany was watching from the shore and when I finally got back over to her, she said she was a little concerned that I was going to end up in Mexico. I told her I didn’t realize how far away I had gone and that I was ALMOST a little scared for my life at one point. But not really because fear doesn’t really seem to exist anymore.

After my little surfing fiasco, I went to join your brothers and cousins at the pool. They are such little fish and didn’t stop swimming in the pool and the ocean until 9 tonight. We were down at the beach for 7 hours today. We met up with your Mimi and Papa, and Uncle Larry and Aunt Joan. Tiffany and her kids too, and we grilled up a big dinner by the pool while all the kids continued to swim. It was such a sweet summer night. Of course, the only thing missing was you. Quinn ended up cutting his little thumb on something in the hot tub so we had to doctor him up. I took him into the bathroom as he was very upset about his thumb. I changed him into his warm clothes, looked at his thumb that thanks to Tiffany and her first aid kit, we had it bandaged up pretty good. He was really upset about it and I just quietly explained to him that I was sorry he was hurt but he is going to get hurt in life; it’s just part of being a kid. I talked all about you and how after all the things that you went through, that were so painful, that you hardly ever cried. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing to make comparisons to you and how tough you were to Quinn. But tonight, it needed to be done and it felt right so I did it. I think more than anything, he was just tired and needed some mommy love. We packed up our stuff and Liam helped me carry everything to the condo while Quinn went on and on about his thumb. As soon as we got upstairs, I put him in my bed and 15 minutes later, he was out like a light. Worn out from his day at the beach and I know sad from missing you. Liam told me last night as he was crying that he was homesick. I asked what he exactly was homesick for. He told me his bed and you. I held him and told him we were all homesick for you, but now you lived in our hearts so you will always be with us. As much as I could tell you this seemed to bring him comfort, it didn’t. It didn’t help me either. I don’t want you in my heart; I want you back here with us, where your freaking belong.

After a long day, I ended it with talking to Stacy. What a perfect way to end my night then with a phone call from her. She had a lot to tell me about meeting with the busy little bees today in regards to the event that they put on at The Biltmore for you on Friday night. I sat, cried, and listened as she told me about meeting with the girls and how amazing they are and how much love they have in their hearts for you. I am still in awe of how quickly they put on this event and how many people came out to support it. We talked about how after the summer, I would like to sit down and pour all of my energy into making this an event something we do every year for you. For others, because as I’ve said before, we have to raise awareness. I cannot believe the army of people that we already have lined up to help us with this. I don’t even know how this happened. Actually, I do. It is all you, Ronan. You are changing lives everywhere. I cannot wait to personally meet all the people who helped with this event and give them all the biggest hug from you. The passion that you have created is astounding and once again, I am so proud to be your mama and your best friend. I miss you, Ronan. I know you are here though. Thanks for the little sign tonight that comes from my Pandora. Right now, as I’m writing this, your song came on. The song that we played for you every time you were left alone in the room for your radiation. The Killers, “Human.” You are such a special little soul. G’nite best friend. Thank you for visiting your daddy so much in his dreams lately. I know you will come to be when the time is right and I can get off of this damn Ambian. Love you to the moon and back, baby.

xoxo

 

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11 thoughts on “You speak in every curling wave

  1. Annie :)

    Maya, I haven’t written in awhile but I still read your blogs everyday. I think about you and Ronan all the time. It seems like less and less people are commenting on your posts and I really hope that doesn’t mean they are dwindling away, I hope i just means they’ve been at a loss for words just as I am. I was at work last night at the hospital in Longview and I was talking to one of the nurses about what kind of nurse I want to be when I graduate. I told her that before I found you and Ronan I never thought I had the strength to deal with sick kids but now it is all I aspire to do. Ronan has changed my life so drastically and that is not something I am just saying, it is something that is so true. I feel incomplete in some ways because I never got the chance to meet him and he has taught me so much, you have taught me so much! Thank you so much for sharing in your last post about how towards the end you would always ask him where he was going, and that he would always respond nowhere. Thank you so much for letting us know all the little signs of him you see around you, it gives me peace and hope for the health of your soul. I have so much I want to say, but feel in a sense that I may just be rambling. Your caring and compassion in this blog sometimes makes me forget that we don’t actually know each other, and there are several times I’ve just wanted to call you up and see what you need or what I can do, knowing full and well there really is nothing…. so instead I wait for your next post and hope your days get better.

  2. Laura

    So glad you have your family with you, glad Woody is back. You just take it day by day step by step. You are doing great for all you have gone through. Our thoughts and prayers are with your entire family. Careful in that surf.

  3. Alyssa Crews

    I finally got to get on my computer after a few days. I read all your posts even when I get behind. I want to comment to every single one because I love what you have to say and I love reading about Ronan. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I wish he’d been there to eat his scrambled eggs. When you become a pro surfer you need to put up a video for us to watch. Praying for you and spreading the word about childhood cancer. Believing…
    Alyssa
    COLE Prayer Team

  4. Natalie

    I have left you a comment before but I just want to let you know Maya that you are making me a better Mommy day after day. I have a feisty 3 month old who likes to be held constantly but when he getsmadhe let’s you know it! 🙂 whenever I get frustrated I think of you and little Ronan and you guys give me the strength and patience that my Apollo deserves. My cousin lost her little girl to childhood cancer and every night I pray that they find each other up in heaven and play and play and play! Bless you and your beautiful boys today and always!

  5. Glenda

    Maya… Please be careful out in the ocean surfing. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy the love that surrounds you from Woody, Liam and Quinn.

    When I went to the Silent Auction it was a room filled with so many people and love. Rockstar Ro brought all these people together. So many strangers. It was amazing.

    I ended up with a pillow “Don’t stop believing” amoung other items that my hubby bidded on. All the $ that was raised for such a beautiful blue eyed Rockstar that captured my heart…and his mama bear that inspires so many and captured my heart with your love and rawness.

    Sending you tons of hugs… peace and strength and hope to some day meet you in person.

    XO

  6. Katie R

    Maya – I’ve posted a few times and we do not know each other but you have changed my life in so many ways. I know that losing your beautiful son is not a way you would have wanted to teach women be better mothers but if anything good can come of this is that you and Ronan have improved mother/child relationships all over the world!!! I believe that God made you and Ronan special….you were both chosen to do something remarkable. You’re probably thinking “F that!!, I want my baby back”. I would think the same. I really do think about you and Ronan everyday! Keep posting!

  7. HR

    We have never met. I think you are from Longivew just from the awareness at the local tanning salon. Not sure though.

    I just have to tell you that I had a dream about Ronan or at least I think I did… I didnt really hear him speak but him and my boys seemed to hit it off really well. They were mostly playing with trains the whole time, outside in the dirt making tracks for the trains. And of course making the train whistle noise. Throwing their heads back laughing. They are close to the same age as Ro. Oldest is 4 1/2, youngest is 3. Very short dream. . But the feeling I got when I woke up was that it was Ronan. Really weird and hard to explain.

    I think the relationship you have with Ronan is unconditional. And I know you hear this all the time but you are making mothers through out the entire world care less about their kids crying in the restraunt or throwing huge tantrums in the grocery check out line. Im sure this is a love/hate feeling for you. As I would personally wish it to hell if it were me.

    But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Ever since Ronan left this world I have tried to be more patient, more kind, more gentle and take more time with my boys. I have noticed a huge change in their behavior and mine. We laugh more and hug more. I even look up on the internet on how to be more patient! You’ve inspired me so much. And It sucks that it took this unfair loss to make me a better mother.

    I love reading that you are pissed off because you have every right to be. I would be pissed at you if you weren’t! 😉

    The fact that you make yourself get up in the morning is astonishing. Keep doing it, keep living! He wants you to. I can feel it.

    Your family is beautiful. You are beautiful. I look forward to reading more from you.

  8. BS

    Thanks for being you. You are so special. ……inspirational!!!!!
    Through your honest writing I cry tears of empathy. You bring people together through not just your loss but your writing. Thank you for being so brave and honest. You and Ronan will change the world one day…….you already have. ❤

  9. Sara

    Hang in there Maya. We all love you to the moon and back. I hope you have good dreams of Ronan tonight. You are in my prayers.

  10. Katie Isaac

    I recently started following your blog and your family has captured my heart. I have a near three year old boy and Ronan reminds me of him in some ways. We went to the Phoenix Children’s Museum today and I thought of Ronan. One day when it is my time to pass on I will think of how I am going to meet Ronan and I will smile.

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