Fuels in the fire. Burn baby, burn.

I’m writing today to you all because I have a lot of fuels in the fire. I know I am supposed to be enjoying my family beach time, but being busy is helpful to me as well. First of all, last night I had the chance to go and look at all of the pictures that the amazingly talented, Emily Carroll, took at Ronan’s Fundraiser, and posted to her Facebook page. The link is on my Facebook page as well. I cannot tell you what an out of body experience it was for me to see all of your beautiful faces, most of whom I didn’t know, supporting us. I cried the entire time I looked through them. It is was beyond hard for me, to know that all of you were there because of the love you have for our family and because our little boy is dead. Can you put yourself in my shoes for one minute? Just take one minute, close your eyes, and think of your child dying. In that one minute, allow yourself to experience the pain I feel, my family feels, every second of the day. Take this one minute of pain and know this is why you all have taken it upon yourselves to inject yourself into our lives, when most of you don’t even know us. Take a minute to think about what amazing human beings that makes you and be proud of who you are. You all know there is more to life then the superficial things that surround us. You all get the bigger picture and you all know you are about to help me change this world and the way most people live with their eyes closed and lack of passion. You all have made me beyond proud and honored to have your love and support.
Ronan lived everyday of his life as if it was his last, without ever knowing that he would only get to be on this earth for almost 4 short years. Maybe deep down, in his old little soul, he did know this, which is why he made everyday a party and gave us so much happiness. He lived his life to the fullest, the way everyone should. I can guarantee you, if Ronan would have grown into an adult, the way he should have, he would have changed the world in some way shape or form. He would have had such a huge impact, as it was what he was put on this earth to do. Look at how much he has done with his life in the short amount of time that he did get to be here. His life was taken away from him, but I still believe he was meant to change it. I will never stop believing in the power of my son and his big blue eyes. The connection that Ronan and I have was so beyond deep, that it is beyond this life. I know it is him who is pushing me to keep going with his mission, his life, and his soul. I know what he wants me of me and every idea that I have, I am going to fight for it. Every goal I want to reach, I am going to fight for it. Every breath that I have to take, when I don’t want to anymore, I will fight for it. He is surrounding me still and I cannot rest until things in this world start to change. Ronan wants to be the voice for childhood cancer, so someday, children will not have to suffer and lose their lives the way he did. Ronan wants all parents to know that you should never take a day for granted with your kids and that the little stuff, really does not matter. He wants to help make parents, better parents. He wants all children to be loved as much as he was, because he knows how precious life is and he would give anything to be back here with us, where he was loved every second of his life. I gave my whole heart, body, mind and soul, to Ronan from the time he was born. I think deep down, I knew that I wasn’t going to get to have him forever which is why our connection was so deep and so different. I gave him a lifetime of love in his almost 4 short years that he was here. I will forever be heartbroken and feel like we were robbed of the most amazing child, but that his fight has to continue on.
Back to my fuels in the fire. I have a lot of things to take care of in regards to Ronan’s Foundation when we get back to Arizona. I am going to pour my heart and soul into it. Some things that I want to see happen are the following:
I want to make The Brightest Star in the Sky a yearly event. I want to make it huge. The amazing women who put it on for us this year are completely invested in our cause and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. I cannot wait to be involved with you all and to work with you to make it spectacular. I cannot wait to watch how it evolves and grows into something that everyone knows about and I have all of you beautiful woman to thank for getting this started. This would have not happened without you and for that I will forever be grateful.
I want to find a big voice for Childhood Cancer. People worship the power of celebrities so much, and as much power as they have, why hasn’t anyone stepped up to the plate to start a movement for Childhood Cancer? I know a lot of celebrities support St. Judes, which is amazing, by why not just Childhood Cancer in general??
Also, Yoplait. They change all of their lid colors to pink in October, which is also amazing, so why not Yellow for the month of September for Childhood Cancer Awareness?? I don’t have their contact info yet, so if anyone knows of it, please email me at mayawoody@gmail.com
I think the more people they hear from, the more they would be willing to listen. A movement has to start and it has to start now. The sooner the better as we all know when  you are dealing with Childhood Cancer, time is not on your side.
Lastly, I wanted to tell you that last night I did dream of Ronan. I could cry just telling you about it. I was pushing him on a raft, he had hair, and he was laughing and happy. In my dream, he was alive, but I was also talking to people about his death. My childhood friends, Missy and Mandy were in it and we were on Missy’s farm with Ronan running around. My friend, Lisa, was in it and I was hugging her about Ronan dying. It was a dream where life and death both existed, but they were both beautiful. I am so thankful for my dream last night and I didn’t take my Ambien to go to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep until about 3 a.m. but at least I got to see my sweet baby boy. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
That is all for today my friends. I have been getting a lot of emails also about getting bracelets to out of state peeps. Once I figure this out, I promise I will let you know. Just give me a few days:) Thanks for your support and love, always. Have a good day, my friends. Love you all.
xoxo

My busy little bees!

Finally, I get to see your beautiful faces!! This picture made me smile so big tonight after I had bawled for about 20 minutes due to missing Ronan so much. This picture made me feel like I can do this and I’m not alone. THANK YOU TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! I have so much love in my heart for all of you amazing women. I cannot wait to personally thank you myself after we are back from trying to heal a little bit. Love you all.

xoxo

Maya

You speak in every curling wave

 

 

 

Ronan. Today started off as good as it possibly could, without you here. We woke up and Liam, Quinn, and Layne spent the morning playing together. I put on my good mommy boots and made them all a huge breakfast. Waffles, fruit, eggs, bacon, sausage…… you name it, it was on the table. I thought of you the entire time as I was making the scrambled eggs, just as you would have liked them. You used to insist that I made the best scrambled eggs ever and would only eat them if I made them for you. I loved that so much. Soon, Layne went home to get ready for the day. Your daddy took Quinn and went off to Costco and to run some errands. I stayed here with Liam and we just kind of had a lazy day. I cleaned and did a lot of laundry. I had a few things trigger a lot of tears today and I did a lot of throwing up. Your dad came home to me, a wreck, just sitting on the bed, bawling. Quinn took one look at my face and sat down with me at told me he loved me and started rubbing my back. I forced the tears to stop and got up to help them unpack the things from Costco. Your daddy and Quinn came home with my very own surfboard for me. It almost cheered me up, but I mostly just couldn’t wait to get out into the water so I could get my ass kicked. I was on a mission. Mission accomplished.

I got your brothers all ready for the beach and we headed out to meet your cousins. They had their stuff in the sand, but they were all in the pool. We set our stuff next to theirs, Liam and Quinn headed out to the pool and I grabbed my board and paddled out into the ocean. The ocean seemed as angry today as I was. The waves were ridiculously big. I didn’t care. I paddled out as far as I could, which ended up being really far. Wave after wave threw me from my board and under the water. I continued out there, to try to get past them. I got up a few times, I asked for your help. At one point as I was paddling out, I looked up and a huge wave was getting ready to come crashing down on me. I think I said, “Oh shit,” out loud and ended up flying off my board and the fin ended up hitting the back of my arm really hard. I almost thought it was sliced open, that’s how badly it hurt. Turns out, it was not…. it turned into a big welt and bruise instead. No big deal, yo. As much as it’s hurting tonight, I am choosing to ignore it because all I can do is think about you and all the pain you felt, especially towards the end of your fight. This stupid welt on my arm has nothing on you, Ro. I surfed for a couple of hours and the current ended up pushing me really far away from my starting point. Tiffany was watching from the shore and when I finally got back over to her, she said she was a little concerned that I was going to end up in Mexico. I told her I didn’t realize how far away I had gone and that I was ALMOST a little scared for my life at one point. But not really because fear doesn’t really seem to exist anymore.

After my little surfing fiasco, I went to join your brothers and cousins at the pool. They are such little fish and didn’t stop swimming in the pool and the ocean until 9 tonight. We were down at the beach for 7 hours today. We met up with your Mimi and Papa, and Uncle Larry and Aunt Joan. Tiffany and her kids too, and we grilled up a big dinner by the pool while all the kids continued to swim. It was such a sweet summer night. Of course, the only thing missing was you. Quinn ended up cutting his little thumb on something in the hot tub so we had to doctor him up. I took him into the bathroom as he was very upset about his thumb. I changed him into his warm clothes, looked at his thumb that thanks to Tiffany and her first aid kit, we had it bandaged up pretty good. He was really upset about it and I just quietly explained to him that I was sorry he was hurt but he is going to get hurt in life; it’s just part of being a kid. I talked all about you and how after all the things that you went through, that were so painful, that you hardly ever cried. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing to make comparisons to you and how tough you were to Quinn. But tonight, it needed to be done and it felt right so I did it. I think more than anything, he was just tired and needed some mommy love. We packed up our stuff and Liam helped me carry everything to the condo while Quinn went on and on about his thumb. As soon as we got upstairs, I put him in my bed and 15 minutes later, he was out like a light. Worn out from his day at the beach and I know sad from missing you. Liam told me last night as he was crying that he was homesick. I asked what he exactly was homesick for. He told me his bed and you. I held him and told him we were all homesick for you, but now you lived in our hearts so you will always be with us. As much as I could tell you this seemed to bring him comfort, it didn’t. It didn’t help me either. I don’t want you in my heart; I want you back here with us, where your freaking belong.

After a long day, I ended it with talking to Stacy. What a perfect way to end my night then with a phone call from her. She had a lot to tell me about meeting with the busy little bees today in regards to the event that they put on at The Biltmore for you on Friday night. I sat, cried, and listened as she told me about meeting with the girls and how amazing they are and how much love they have in their hearts for you. I am still in awe of how quickly they put on this event and how many people came out to support it. We talked about how after the summer, I would like to sit down and pour all of my energy into making this an event something we do every year for you. For others, because as I’ve said before, we have to raise awareness. I cannot believe the army of people that we already have lined up to help us with this. I don’t even know how this happened. Actually, I do. It is all you, Ronan. You are changing lives everywhere. I cannot wait to personally meet all the people who helped with this event and give them all the biggest hug from you. The passion that you have created is astounding and once again, I am so proud to be your mama and your best friend. I miss you, Ronan. I know you are here though. Thanks for the little sign tonight that comes from my Pandora. Right now, as I’m writing this, your song came on. The song that we played for you every time you were left alone in the room for your radiation. The Killers, “Human.” You are such a special little soul. G’nite best friend. Thank you for visiting your daddy so much in his dreams lately. I know you will come to be when the time is right and I can get off of this damn Ambian. Love you to the moon and back, baby.

xoxo

 

Quinn and your shadow

 

 

Ronan. I really tried to have a good day for you, but everything seemed to hit me so hard today. Your brothers slept in late and so did I. I tried to dream about you, but instead I had mostly dreams of nothing of importance. I woke up sad from not being able to see you in my dreams. It is something I hope for every night. I tried to get the day off to a good start. I kept getting emails about the event that was being held at The Biltmore for your Foundation and each one continued to put a smile on my face. I thought today was going to be another o.k. day without you. It was not. It all started with opening my wallet and there was your little social security card. Ouch. I then looked inside my purse for something and found your little I.D. band from the hospital that you used to refuse to wear, so we would break the rules and I would attach it to your pole or onto my wrist instead. You used to throw such a fit about wearing it. The straw that broke the camels back was I was trying to get your brothers ready for the beach and Liam, as always, was giving me a hard time about letting me put on his sunscreen. I was chasing him around to get it on him and I finally just looked at him and said to him angrily, “You need to think about how you are acting, your brother would give anything to be wearing sunscreen right now.” He looked back at me and said, “Who, Quinn?” I then looked back at him and said, “No, Ronan.” I was filled with such anger and sadness that I just started crying right then and there. Right in front of your brothers, and I am supposed to be the mom who is holding all of us together. At that moment, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I broke down right in front of them and there was no stopping it. I sobbed and they both just sat and watched me. Quinn came over to hug me, and Liam just kind of went off into the other room. I quickly packed up our beach things and threw on my big sunglasses so they could not see that I was still a wreck. I took them down to the pool and to let them be distracted by their cousins whom they spent the next few hours with playing in the pool and at the beach. I went down to the beach with them and sat on my towel and just watched them play while I cried and cried and cried. I called your Nana because I have not spoken to her in weeks. I couldn’t really talk to her so instead I let her listen to me cry. She cried with me and we said as much as we both could, which ended up being not a lot. It was good just to have her be on the other end of the phone with me though. I just needed her to be there so I could cry to her. After I got off of the phone with your Nana, I joined the boys in the ocean. At one point, I was playing with Quinn in the sand. He was standing up and there was a little shadow next to him. He said it looked like it was a little mini version of you. We pretended it was you, and he reached down to hold your hand. I took some pictures of it, because it really did look like a little you. We sat and played with the little shadow for about 10 minutes. It was something so simple and sweet but it made us both smile and laugh. These days, we will take any little sign of you that we can get.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We spent the evening with Kenny and Stacy and their kids. We went to dinner and had a good time. They both make me so happy and I love them like family. We are so lucky to have them as friends. I then got a text message from our cousin, Tiffany who said to meet them at the beach as they wanted to do something special for you tonight. We met them down there at 8:30 and all of the kids ended up lighting off sparklers and running around for you. It was so beyond when sweet. Bittersweet. I sat back and watched all of your cousins running around so happy and carefree. I wanted you there so badly. I could have sworn I heard you laughing in the background.

All though the night I kept getting text messages about the event at The Biltmore. Everyone said it turned out so beautifully. I almost have don’t even have words for how many people came together for this in such a short amount of time. The love that surrounds us is almost as beautiful as you, Ronan. These people, most of them whom we don’t even know, have come together because of you. That is what an impact you have had on their lives and I know you will continue to do so. All while holding my hand while I let your little soul guide me. We will make a difference, together. Thank you again, to everyone who worked so hard to support my sweet baby boy tonight. Your love means everything to us. Someday, when I am feeling a little stronger, I will be able to be a bigger part of this and turn it into something huge. As I’ve said before, this is just the beginning. Childhood Cancer has know become my passion in life and I am going to work so hard to raise awareness and make a difference. Ronan deserves this as do all of the other children who are fighting this in the world. They need a voice and I have no doubt this is now my calling in life.

Off to try to sleep now as it’s been a very long day. I can’t wait to hear all about the event tomorrow. Thank you all again. Thank you for allowing Ronan to be your brightest star in the sky. I love you all.

Sweet dreams my little man. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. G’night Ro.

xoxo

 

 

The Brightest Star in the Sky Silent Auction

I have some busy little bees surrounding me. The most busy little bees in the world. Somehow, they have managed to throw together an amazing event for Ronan. I am beyond moved, inspired, and touched by this amazing community I live in. We are so thankful for all of the love and support surrounding us. I know first hand what an amazing little boy Ronan was, but many of you don’t. I feel compelled to carry on his story and let the love I have for him, live through all of you. The way you have accepted him into your lives, like he was one of your own brings tears to my eyes. I will never be able to thank you enough. Please check out this event; as I know it is going to be amazing and one of many to come. Thank you to everyone who is donating and pulling this together. Together, we can make sure Ronan’s spirit shines on forever.

http://brighteststar.eventbrite.com/

xoxo