Ronan. I had a hard day. I was missing you extra much today, if that is even possible.
We woke up late, as we have been doing during these lazy, beachy days. I had a phone appointment with my therapist, Sarah. I walked down the boardwalk and sat on a bench to have our session. I told her how it is easier in some ways to be here, away from home, but hard as well because of all the memories I have of you here.
As I sat and talked to her, there was a little boy about your age playing in the sand right in front of me. He kept grabbing sand and throwing it everywhere—something you absolutely would have done. I sat and watched him and cried. I told Sarah how much it hurts to see things like that. How much that should have been you, playing in the sand and throwing it everywhere.
We had a good talk. We talked about how I worry about you and how much guilt comes with having you gone. Guilt for doing silly, normal things. I told her I wonder if you are watching me and can’t believe that we are all trying to do things that make us happy. I wonder if it hurts your feelings. It hurts my feelings, Ronan. I don’t like doing all the things we are doing without you.
I told her that as much as I would love to believe in the picture-perfect world of heaven, with you dancing with angels on clouds and harps playing in the background, I don’t. I am having a hard time with the not knowing. We ended our conversation much like friends do. She worries about me and told me to call her for anything. I will talk to her next week unless I need her sooner.
After I returned from my talk with Sarah, your daddy took your brothers to the rec center to play basketball. I crawled back into bed and slept for a couple more hours. I cried and slept and cried and slept some more. I did not want to leave my bed today. I wanted to stay there with your blanket and think about you.
Right when I was trying to talk myself into getting out of bed, Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I swear it is always you who tells him to call when I need a good kick in the ass. As soon as I answered, he asked what was wrong. I told him nothing—but everything. He asked if I was okay and then said he knows I’m not, that I’m hurting like hell. I cried for the few minutes we talked, but then he made me laugh by asking if I was crying because the ocean from surfing kicked my ass yesterday. I told him it was the other way around—that I kicked the ocean’s ass. He said, “That’s my girl.”
It was something so little, but it made me feel better. For about two minutes anyway. And that’s better than nothing.
Your brothers came back from basketball begging to go to the pool with Jake and Carter. Of course I took them, so we spent the afternoon down there. I absolutely love being with all four of those boys, Ronan. I love watching them play and laugh, and Liam and Quinn are so happy with them.
Tonight, I watched them run down the boardwalk, and I pictured you running behind them, trying to keep up like you always did. You were always so much older than your little three years. You could hold your own just as well as your brothers. At one point, I looked over and saw Carter with his arm around Quinn as they walked together. Such a big-brother thing. It made me tear up because that is exactly something Quinn would have done to you. You would love being here with all of your cousins. They are the sweetest kids.
After our day at the pool—brrrr, it was freezing—we had Kenny, Stacy, Mac, and Kennedy over to grill again. We all sat outside while the kids swam, enjoying our time together before we were frozen solid. The four boys kept jumping in and out of the pool and hot tub despite the cold air. It was a good night after a hard day.
Everyone is asleep now, and your daddy goes back to Phoenix tomorrow. We are going to miss him. I have to figure out how to keep your brothers entertained. They are pretty easy to please, so it shouldn’t be too hard. I am lucky to be able to take such good care of them.
After a hard day, a few things helped me get through it. One was the silent auction happening at The Biltmore this Friday. I cannot believe the community support and love that has come from all of this. I am in awe, speechless, and so incredibly proud of the way my son has inspired all of you.
This all came together in such a short amount of time, and the donations and people offering to help in any way they can bring me to tears. I want to be there so badly, but I’m not sure if I can. Emotionally, I just don’t think I am ready. Ronan passed away such a short time ago, and I feel like the most important thing I need to be doing right now is mourning him respectfully and taking care of my twins.
There is also that whole guilt thing I am dealing with. This is a totally new emotion for me. I’ve never really felt guilty for anything in my life, and I am having a hard time learning what to do with it. I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t feel guilty being at this event when it feels like such a celebration for Ronan—which it should be, and I am so thankful for that. But I, as his grieving mama, am just not ready to celebrate him in that way yet.
Please know that I would love to meet all of you who are doing so much to support Ronan’s cause. There will come a time when I can mentally be in that place, but it is not now. Everything is too fresh and raw. I will be thinking of you, though, because you have all impacted my life in a huge way.
I hear all the time about how Ronan has made you review your way of life, but please know that all the love and support coming from each and every one of you is changing me as well. You make me believe in the power of selfless love and what it means to be part of something bigger than yourself. You make me believe that Ronan and I can change the world into a more beautiful place.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this event happen, all you little busy bees out there. I just know the sky is going to be filled with the brightest stars that night.
A couple of other things that helped me today came in the form of emails. One I have permission to share. Thank you, Alicia. I loved hearing how your day ended.
[Email content remains as written—no changes.]
And then there was the email from a stranger. It was such a gift to me. Earlier, I talked about wrestling with the idea of heaven. Sarah and I had a long talk about that today, and then this email came tonight. I had cried to Sarah because I told her I am having a hard time feeling Ronan around me. All I want is to know he is here, and I’m not getting any kind of vibe.
I think right now Ronan is trying to let me know he is here, but he is doing it through other people. Sarah even dreamed about him the other night. He was smiling and waved at her. I know he is still here. I think I just have to get through this deep sadness before my mind and body are more open to letting him in.
[Stranger’s email remains as written—no changes.]
Well, dear stranger, I wish I knew who you were because your words hit me harder than anything I have been told so far. I believe everything you just said, and it makes absolute sense. Ronan’s heaven is with me, with his family, and even with all of you. He has left me little signs everywhere. I just didn’t know how real they were until now.
The hardest part is not being able to physically see my baby boy anymore—not being able to touch or hold him. I will never get over that. But I have to believe his spirit is still here, right next to me. And someday, when it is my time to go, I will meet him on the other side.
Until then, I will be sad for the rest of my life, but I know I will find a new kind of happy too. In the kindness of strangers. In the love from my family and friends. In pushing forward to keep Ronan’s story alive so we can help other children.
I want Ronan to be the voice for children with cancer everywhere. He would never give up this fight, so I will do whatever it takes to support him. I couldn’t do this without all of you. The more people we have on our side, the more we will be able to do.
Thank you again for believing in my baby, for loving your beautiful, “perfect” lives enough to know that Ronan deserved that too. And since he was robbed of it, the fact that you are willing to continue fighting so hard for him with me says so much about who you are. I am honored to have you with us as we continue on Ronan’s journey.
I love him so much. I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him back. Some days, I swear I am going to die from sadness. But then I force myself to think about everything that is still beautiful in my life. I have to make a difference for everyone around me—not just Ronan.
Liam and Quinn deserve to grow up watching that if you live a life full of fight, passion, and love, you can survive and do anything you want. I promise to make them proud of me too—by living our life as if Ronan is still here. By laughing about him. By talking to him. By celebrating him. By loving him forever.
Alright, my sweet friends. I am a snotty mess and need to calm myself down. Tonight, I wish what I wish every night: blessings for all of you and sweet dreams of Ronan. He is safe. I know this now, thanks to the stranger.
Tonight, I will fall asleep knowing that he is not roaming the streets of Vegas—although he would have made a very nice newest member of “The Wolfpack.”
Goodnight, my sweet boy, Ronan. Tonight and every night, I will fall asleep with you in my heart.
And a very special thank you to my Silent Auction Fairy Godmother. Yes, you know who you are. I’m telling you right now that Ronan is going to watch over you every day for the rest of your life. Your generosity and pure love for someone you’ve never even met are unheard of in this day and age. It’s people like you who make this world such an amazing place.
Thank you, my dear friend—I hope to meet you someday. 😊
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