Is an o.k. day going to be as good as it gets?

 

 

Ronan. It was an o.k. day without you. I had to work for it though. I had to work hard to make it that way and as much as I didn’t want to, I did. I spent the day with your brothers and our cousins. We went to breakfast this morning and then the 4 boys ran off to the Rec Center to play basketball. As we were walking back to get the boys changed, I looked back to make sure we had everyone with us. I almost said out loud, “Where is Ronan?” But I caught myself before those words came out of  my mouth. I so expected to see you running behind all of us. I sat out at the pool with Stacy and her little troops while the boys played basketball. It was weird sitting there in the sun and not having anyone to worry about or take care of. Gosh, a year ago…. this would have been paradise to me. Laying in the sun, headphones on, a book to read, and time to just be peaceful with myself. Today, I hated every second of it. I wanted nothing more but to be worrying about you in the water, to be watching you running around, and splashing about. I would have been so happy to have had the privilege to wrap you up in your little towel after you had gotten out of the cold water. To have held you close to warm you up and then I would have taken you up to our room for your lunch and nap time. We would have napped together like we always used to do. Instead, I watched my dear friend, Stacy, do all these things with her 3-year-old, Kennedy. She is such a little firecracker and reminds me so much of you. She had a total meltdown at the pool which I of course thought was adorable. It was a combination of being hungry, tired and a newly 3 year old. She came and laid down on the lawn chair next to me and put her little head down. I went over to her and rubbed her back for a long time and she calmed down and let me do this to her for about 20 minutes. She then popped up and was fine. It was so sweet but it still hurt. I wanted it to be you that I was comforting, but the fact that Kennedy is slowly letting me into her little world feels good to me. We spent the rest of the day at the pool and I then took your brothers, Jake and Carter over to the grocery store to cash in the recycling bottles that they have saved up. They get 5 cents a bottle and were so excited about it. We took a garbage bag full of bottles over to Vons and I think they ended up getting about 3 dollars out of it. It was important to them and I think a very good life lesson to learn about taking care of our environment and responsibility. They were so excited and happy to spend their money at the vending machines at our condo. All of us adults have been laughing over the 4 boys and their obsession with the vending machine here. It’s as if they have never seen one in their life. They live for meeting up there and spending their change. Such little things but so important to boys who are growing up way too fast. Watching how independent Liam and Quinn are becoming is hard for me. The fact that they are starting to not need me so much anymore because they are big enough to go down to the vending machine alone feels strange. I’m so not used to having things this way. I feel like in the blink of an eye, they have become little men. In more ways than one and unfortunately a lot of that comes from losing you. It’s not fair and it’s not right. I don’t want them to ever feel like they have been robbed of their childhood which is why I am trying to encourage them to be boys and  to learn, explore, make mistakes, but also learn right from wrong. They both have such good heads on their shoulders but when they do things like take a stick and put it up a vending machine to get candy out, and then run to tell me about it, I’m not going to get mad. I want them to be boys in every way possible. Just as long as they also learn there are consequences, but honesty will also go a long way in this family. This is all stuff you should be learning too, Ronan. Your brothers would have been the best teachers to you. I’m sorry everyday of my life for them and for you. I will love them so much more because of your absence. Even though it feels like I have a connection to nothing or anyone, I know it will slowly come back with them. It is days like today that give me that hope.

We had Stacy and her kids over for dinner. Afterwords, we drove over to Pinkberry for Frozen yogurt. I had an unexpected feeling of happiness wash over me when I went to cross the street with Stacy’s little girl, Kennedy, and she grabbed on to my hand and we ran across the street together, with our hands intertwined. It reminded me of you. I sat and watched her devour her frozen yogurt and thought about how much the two of you would have loved each other. I had a flash of seeing you two together and the mischief you would have caused. I ached for it so badly. She loves Liam and Quinn and I know she would have been crazy about you. You two would have been two peas in a pod. After our frozen yogurt, Stacy dropped us off and Liam and Quinn were pretty tired. They fell asleep fairly quickly, almost before I could even tuck them in and we said our good nights to you. They are both so tired from their day of swimming, basketball, and playing in the sun. They miss their cousins who left to go back to Phoenix today already. The good news is, there is a new set of cousins who arrived today so I have no doubt they will be just as entertained.

I ended my night with a phone call from my friend, Doriet. I know you remember her little girl, Esther, who passed away just six days before you. We had a good talk tonight and both seem to be in a similar place; struggling a lot but we both know we have to go on. She had the same kind of connection with her little girl that I had with you. One so strong and deep that you cannot even explain it. You two were such similar souls and I feel that way about her mom and I. We loved the two of you so deeply that is was almost not human. This is one of the reasons I know that we have such a special connection. I think about Doriet everyday and Esther too. I hope you two have found each other and are playing away. Doriet says Esther leaves her signs everywhere. She knows Esther is still with her much like the same way I know you are still with me. I want to go back out to New York maybe in the fall to spend some time with her. I want to go back out to take a picture of you to Dr. Kushner and make him look me in the eyes. I want him to acknowledge the way he handled us was not right in the end. I’m going to lose it if I don’t get to close that chapter in your journey. I really wanted to run in the Marathon for Fred’s Team in NYC next year, but I am so pissed that I don’t even know if I can support his cause. How can I support a man who could so easily just brush you off. I don’t care if people tell me to just let this go because I’m not going to. Parents who have just been told the news that I had to be told, deserve more than that. I don’t care if this doesn’t change him or the way he does things, but he is still going to hear me. I need to know that a fraction of him cared and is human, otherwise I am going to forever think we made a mistake in letting him treat you. Maybe he wasn’t worthy of caring for you, maybe it should have been Dr. Mosse all along at Chop. Fuck me. I told Fernanda the second I met Dr. Mosse that it was her,  that she was going to be the one to save you. It was my gut feeling. But then we decided to go with Dr. Kushner because he said he would do whatever it took to save you. He convinced us. Well, he didn’t. He threw us away like an old rag and this will never sit well with me. I’m pretty sure, no matter what road we chose, your outcome would have been the same. At least that is what I tell myself to get though the day. At the end of the day, your dad and I had to pretty much navigate your treatment ourselves and we did the best we could. It should not be this way. We are not fucking doctors. The fact is, there is no cure when there should be. It’s a matter of luck and you got the short end of the stick my baby. I’m sorry a million times over. I’m sorry for you and my heart breaks daily for Doriet. I love her and I know how badly she is hurting because I am right there with her. It’s not fair and it’s not right. When the time is right, I will go and be with her and we can grieve together because that is one of the bonds we have and it is too strong to let it go. It needs to be done for the two of you and for the both of us.

I love you, Ronan. I’m tired tonight and I miss you so much. I will sleep with you in my heart as I do every night as I cuddle up to your blanket. Thank you for helping me to have an o.k. day today. I really needed it. G’nite my sweet, beautiful boy.

xoxo

 

Everything’s not lost, but really it is

Ronan. You were everywhere today. I had to stop and catch my breath a few times just so I wouldn’t throw up. I am reminded of you in everything and everywhere. In the whole avocado that Quinn had for lunch. In the Mickey Mouse beach bag that Stacy carried her kids’ beach stuff in. In the Star Wars swim trunks that Mac had on today. Even as I watched your cousin, Jake, eat some Mandarin Oranges at dinner. I had to fight back the tears over all of those things today. You loved all of them so much. It’s so strange to see these things that have such little meaning to everyone else, but they mean everything to me. I don’t know how to deal with all of those little things because every time I see things like this, I just want to curl up and die.

I am not living. I am surviving. And it sucks. I still don’t understand why you were taken away from us so quickly. I think about this all the time. It kills me that everything changed so suddenly and how rapidly your disease progressed. I swear it happened over night. Your daddy and I fought so hard for you. We talked to the best doctors, researched everything we possibly could and it still was not enough. It all happened way too quickly and I’m still trying to make sense of something, even though I know I will probably never get an answer. I deserve one though and I am angry at the way the doctors just seem to want to sweep you under the rug, like you never existed. I want to hear from them that they are sorry. I want to them to look me in the eyes and see their pain because  they couldn’t save you. I want some sort of acknowledgement that you were here and they are sorry that they couldn’t save you. I know this won’t make you come back, but I want them to hurt the way I am hurting so that maybe they will work harder to save the life of the next child who is going through something like this. I know that these doctors work hard, but not fucking hard enough because you are gone. I want someone to blame, even though I know nobody deserves to carry the burden of this. This is the cause and effect of our insanely mad world. It is the only way to explain how such a thing can happen to a child or a teenager. Complete unfairness and insanity. There is no other answer.

I ran on the beach tonight and was so not feeling it. I pushed through for you though. I sat and watched a daddy pulling his little girl on a boogie board and then I watched as the mom came and swooped her up and off they went holding hands, running down the beach. I wonder if that mommy knows how lucky she is. I would have given anything to have been that mommy today, running down the beach and holding your hand. Instead, I get to watch somebody else doing it. It was another one of those outer body experiences that I seem to have all the time now. After I watched the mommy and little girl, I laid down and the sand and looked up at the sky and just cried. I didn’t want to finish my run, but you forced me to get back up and pound out the last 2 miles. The waves chased me a lot today and at one point I couldn’t run fast enough away from them. My sneakers ended up getting soaking wet. I thought of you and pretended that the waves were your little feet trying to run after me. I have to hold on to things like this; this imaginary life I have made up in my head just to get through the days without you.

I heard from, “The Stranger,” again tonight. Except now, I know her name. I liked hearing from her and a bit of her story. It took a lot for her to write her first email to me but I am so glad she had the courage to do so. Her words helped me last night when I was really needing it. She talked about how she struggled for nights to write that email and then to actually send it. After my day yesterday, her email could not have come at a more perfect time. I know that was you, Ro. Your little way of getting to me. Thank you for that.

Quinn and Liam have their cousins, Jake and Carter over for a sleepover tonight. All is quiet except for your big brother, Quinn is in bed with me watching Sports Center. I knew he would end up in here with me and not out in the living room with all the other boys. It has been so nice having your brothers spend time with their cousins. They have formed such a bond over such a short period of time and all the laughter and just watching them all be boys has made my heart a little happy. It is helping me to see your brothers laugh and smile despite the sadness that I know weighs heavy in their hearts. I’m watching them heal a little more one day at a time and I know a big part of this is the family that surrounds us. I am so thankful for that.

I’m so sad tonight, Ro. Your daddy is not here and when I talked to him on the phone I could hear how sad he was being at home all alone. Without us and without you. I don’t know what to do or to say except for to tell him I love him. I’m having a hard time talking to him about you yet because everything is too painful. When we do sit and talk about you we both just end up crying. I don’t think the crying is ever going to stop. I don’t think there are two parents who ever loved a little boy so much. I like to think that it is because of the love that your daddy and I have for each other which is why you were given to us. We love each other so much and you were such a gift. I just don’t know why you had to be taken away. And I don’t know how we are just supposed to go on because it does not seem possible to live our life without you. I’m clinging on to anything I possibly can, but it will never be enough and I honestly don’t know how I am going to survive this. This life hurts and this life is cruel.

But I am going to continue to fight through this because I know it is what you want. It is what your brothers deserve and your daddy too. But there is not a day that goes by that I wish the world would just swallow me whole. Every inch of my body hurts and misses you. That will stay with me for the rest of my life. I’ve somehow got to find a way to learn to live this new life without you. I promise I will try as long as you keep guiding me and giving me strength.

That is all for tonight my love. I hurt too much to write anymore. I love you to the moon and back my most beautiful boy. Sweet dreams.

P.S. Every song on Pandora tonight has reminded me of you. Are you the one making this little playlist for me, my sweet boy? Your gifts are all around. Everyday with you was the best day of my life. I love you, Ro baby.

xoxo

The signs and The stranger

Ronan. I had a hard day. I was missing you extra much today; if that is even possible. We woke up late as we have been doing during these lazy, beachy days. I had a phone appointment to talk to my therapist, Sarah. I walked down the boardwalk and sat on a bench to have our session. I told her how it was easier in some aspects to be here, away from home, but hard as well because of all the memories I have of you here. As I sat and talked to her, there was a little boy about your age playing in the sand right in front of me. He kept taking the sand and throwing it everywhere. So something you would have done. I sat and watched him and cried and told Sarah how much it hurts me to see things like this. How much that deserved to be you playing in the sand and throwing it everywhere. We had a good talk. We talked about how I worry about you and how much guilt comes with having you gone. Guilt for doing silly, normal things. I told her I wonder if you are watching me and can’t believe that we are all trying to do things that make us happy. I wonder if it hurts your feelings. It hurts my feelings, Ronan. I don’t like doing all the things we are doing without you. I told her as much as I would love to believe in the picture perfect world of heaven, with you dancing with angels on clouds with harps playing in the background; that I don’t. I’m having a hard time with the not knowing part. We ended our conversation much like the way friends do. She worries about me and told me to call for anything. I will talk to her next week unless I need her sooner.

After I returned back from my talk with Sarah, your Daddy took your brothers over to the Rec Center to play basketball. I crawled back into bed and slept for a couple more hours. I cried and slept and cried and slept some more. I did not want to leave my bed today. I wanted to stay in bed with your blanket and think about you. Right when I was trying to talk myself into getting out of bed, Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I swear it is always you who tells him to call when I need a good kick in the ass. As soon as I answered he asked what was wrong. I told him, nothing, but everything. He asked if I was o.k. and then said he knows I’m not, that I’m hurting like hell. I cried for the few minutes that I talked to him but he then made me laugh by asking me if I was crying because the ocean from surfing kicked my ass yesterday. I then make some remark that it was the other way around and I kicked the ocean’s ass. He then said, “That’s my girl.” It was something so little but it made me feel better. For about 2 minutes anyway but that’s better than nothing.

Your brothers came back from basketball and were begging to go down to the pool with Jake and Carter. I said I would of course take them so we spent the afternoon down there. I absolutely love being with all 4 of those boys, Ronan. I love to watch them play and laugh and Liam and Quinn are so happy with them. I was watching them run down the boardwalk tonight and I pictured you running behind them, trying to keep up like you always did. You were always so much older than your little 3 years as you could hold your own as well as your brothers. At one point, I looked over and Carter had his arm around Quinn as they were walking together. Such a big brother thing and it made me tear up because that is so something Quinn would have done to you. You would love being here with all of your cousins. They are the sweetest kids.

After our day at the pool and brrrrrr it was freezing, we had Kenny, Stacy, Mac and Kennedy over to grill again. We all sat outside and the kids swam and we enjoyed our time together before we were all frozen solid. The 4 boys continued to jump in and out of the pool and hot tub despite the cold air. It was a good night after a hard day. Everyone is asleep now and your Daddy goes back to Phoenix tomorrow. We are going to miss him. I’ve got to figure out how to keep your brothers entertained. They are pretty easy to please so it shouldn’t be too hard:) I am lucky to be able to take such good care of them.

So, after a hard day I can tell you a few things got me though it. One being this silent auction that is going on at The Biltmore this Friday. I cannot believe all the community support and love that has come of all of this. I am in awe, speechless, and so incredibly proud of the way my son has inspired you all. This all came together in such a short amount of time and the donations and people offering to help in any way they can brings me to tears. I want to be there so badly, but I’m not sure if I can. One of the biggest reasons is emotionally I just don’t think I am ready. Ronan passed away such a short time ago and I feel as if the most important thing I need to be doing right now is just trying to mourn him, respectfully, and to take care of my twins. There is also that whole guilt thing I am dealing with. This is a totally new emotion for me, as I’ve never really felt guilty for anything in my entire life…. and I’m having a really hard time learning what to do with it. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t feel guilty for being at this event when it feels like such a celebration for Ronan; which it should be and  I am so thankful for that. But, I, as his grieving mama, am just not ready to celebrate him in this way yet. Please know that I would love to meet all of you who are doing so much to support Ronan’s cause and there will come a time when I can mentally be in that place, but it is not now. Everything is too fresh and raw. I will be thinking of all of you though as you all have impacted my life in a huge way. I now hear all the time about how Ronan has made you review your way of life, but please know all the love and support coming from each and every one of you is changing me as well. You make me believe in the power of selfless love and what it means to be a part of something bigger than yourself. You all make me believe that Ronan and I can change the world into a much more beautiful place. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this event happen all of you little busy bees out there. I just know the sky is going to be filled with the brightest stars that night.

A couple of other things that helped me though my day came in the form of some emails that I would like to share. One, I got permission to share. Her email was so sweet and I loved what she had to say. Thank you, Alicia for this. I loved hearing how your day ended. Here goes…..

Maya, Sorry to disturb your family time but I HAD to let you know what I experienced today. After a hectic day, I had to rush to pick up my girls (6 & 4 in 2 weeks) from school, rush home to get them dressed & to a reception for the team my husband coaches during his off season. We made it to the Botanical Gardens with minutes to spare. I got the kids out of the car & they took off running. Taylor (6) ran towards the venue, Ashley (3) ran straight to & through a giant mud puddle. There was mud everywhere, all over her white dress, face, hair. I was PISSED. We’re already late. Now I have to go home & change her. All that was running through my mind is how our being late would look & what people were going to say/think. I ran over to Ash & as I reached to grab her, a HUMMINGBIRD flew between us. My hand was inches from her arm & there couldn’t have been a foot of space between our chests & all of a sudden there it was. I jumped back. It hovered there for a few seconds, flew around Ash 3 times & flew off. It honestly took my breath away. I instantly though of you & Ronan & how selfish I was being. You’d do anything to have Ronan dirty some clothes & make you late. When we released the balloons for Ronan, I promised I was going to be a better mom, wife & friend. Now, here I was worrying about stuff that doesn’t matter, about people who don’t matter. I honestly believe that hummingbird was your son reminding me of that promise. With tears streaming down my face, I picked up Ash squeezed her tight & kissed her all the way back to the car. We never made it to the reception, instead we grabbed some ice cream & walked along the bay front, muddy clothes & all. Thank you, to you & Ronan for opening my eyes!

Alicia Joseph
This last email came to me tonight from a stranger but it was such a gift to me. I talked earlier about how I have been wrestling with the perfect heaven world. I swear to god, this is a sign from Ronan as my therapist, Sarah and I had a long talk about this subject today and then this email came in tonight. I cried to Sarah on the phone because I told her I’m having a hard time feeling Ronan around me. All I want is to know he is here and I’m not getting any kind of a vibe. I think right now, Ronan is trying to let me know he is here, but he is doing it through other people. Sarah had a dream about him the other night and he was smiling and waved to her. I know he is here still, I think I just have to get though this deep sadness before my mind and body will be more open to letting him in. Anyway, back to the email from the stranger that I got tonight which by the way, made me cry like a baby. Here goes….
Dear Maya:
I am just another person sucked into your blog. Yes, writing from a ridiculous unrecognizable email address.  I chose to email you privately versus posting this to your blog because I hope this message gets to you and resonates.
I lost 2 friends to cancer, sisters.  1 this past September 2010, as your baby’s fight was beginning, and her younger sister 8 years prior. Every day I ask myself how their parents go on. My friend was 38 when she passed, and her younger sister just 26. The baby and middle daughter of 3 girls.
This email is not going to ramble on about my friends but give you some brief insight on why I want to deliver this message to you. Your writing, your thought process, your profanity and your honesty reminds me so much of my dear friend and I cannot help but feel connected to you because of it.  She fought cancer for 22 years having her first diagnosis as a teenager, and bravely battling recurrence after recurrence. Her younger sister suffered for 4 years, before losing her battle.
The one thing I know my friend loathed more than anything was having others bring up comparisons of their 60 year old aunt bessie’s cancer battle, or their uncle joe’s who was 50 something, and so I do not make any comparison of their cancer, to childhood cancer, whatsoever. It would seem everyone who met her or knew her story felt compelled to discuss a friend or family members cancer fight. Enough already with it. This is your life, your reality, and your pain. There will never be any fitting comparison. Live has handed you the most cruel dreadful burden.
I am not a bible beater. This is also not a religious talk…  I get your whole dismissal of God, and though I was raised Catholic I have had so many doubts about why God would allow things like this to happen in the world.
Now that i’ve told you all of the things this email isn’t – please let me tell you what it is… I am hoping to deliver but one simple message, one which was passed onto me about “heaven” – After my friend passed away, I happened into a church where strangely enough there was a priest talking about death. Something he said, sat with me and I share it with you.
He said… heaven isn’t out there… its not up in the clouds or in some imaginary paradise. Heaven he said is a place filled with love and where you are with God. He went on to say that God is in each of us. When you lose a loved one, they are with you in the truest sense every waking hour and resting hour. I will never think of Ronan as being somewhere out there, but with you. With you Maya.
Everytime I read one of your posts about the girl from the store who said shit and caught your attention, recurring songs on your ipod, your need to run up the mountain alone to find solace, or your trip and fall on your recent run, or a flannel clad girl in the end of May who runs back and stops you in the street, I keep saying to myself… he’s there Maya, he is trying to get your attention to let you know he is right there. No one on earth has more moments of serendipity as you have since Ronan passed away.
He lives inside you, in a place where he can feel every bit of love that you could never express to him through mere words, or even actions on this earth. The place you unknowingly created for him, heaven.  Everything inside you that aches from loving him that is where he is. He is not hurting, not suffering. That priest also said that you can go so deeply into meditation that you can talk to that loved one … in the place where you truly can share your feelings, fears, unspoken words, and you will feel them communicate back with you if you get better at meditating deeply, and finding them. When you take your runs and midnight swims and you’ve beaten your body to a pulp so that your mind is sort of blank, you are getting close to that place where you can find him, at least I think you are. Its a place where you can meditate and be alone with him and ask him to talk to you. Do you think I am crazy? Perhaps.
When you worry that Ronan is out there and you cannot think he is safe or is he wandering around without you.. never never never believe that.  Ronan is trying so hard to get your attention… perhaps even through emails, postings, and blogs from random people.  Every time I read something new from you, I believe it even more. I think I have to point it out to you.
Fuck this life that you cannot kiss his sweet lips and hug him and giggle with him, or cry with him. Fuck life that you never had the chance to fight on for years even when you were prepared to. Life is wretched and miserable and I hate your families pain. FU Cancer. I am not one of these people who thinks Ronan wanted to be “with God”. When you said he wanted to be in AZ with his family. I believe that wholeheartedly. I believe that is why he is still with you. He is not about to leave. He will always be your perfect gorgeous baby boy, and I know you will always mourn and grieve his loss as long as you shall live.
For years my friend had dreams of her sister who passed away before her. The day before she died she told me that she had the most vivid dream that her sister was well, and running and laughing, and asking her to catch her and come with her. She was chasing her sister in the dream, and couldn’t catch her. Her sister told her nothing was hurting anymore.
My friend told me it was the most beautiful dream and the one she couldn’t shake because it was so real. None of her prior dreams she said had felt so real. Even the dreams that for years had her walking up with tear soaked pillows. My friend passed away the very next day. I pray those sisters are together and have no pain, and no suffering.
I am sure you are sick of cliché’s and BS. If you decide this is the biggest load of crap and you want to post it and tell others to keep this shit to themselves then I get that too.  But there is a part of me that hopes and prays you will be able to find my message makes sense to you.
When you told Ronan, to come with you and leave that place, he did it. He went with you and that is where he has stayed and where he will stay. Your soul and his will be locked together for eternity. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep writing to him, keep working towards your goal with his foundation to keep him alive, to bring hope to others, to teach everyone about undying love and devotion. You and Ronan speak to masses of people and can make a difference in this world. He has impacted more people in his short life than I could dream of in my 40 years on this earth.  I wish you so much inner peace and the ability to connect again with Ronan in a much deeper spiritual way. I hope you feel him with you, truly feel his presence. I hope he keeps giving you little signs and that you can recognize them.
-A stranger
Well dear stranger… I wish I knew who you were because your words hit me harder than anything that I have been told so far. I believe everything you just said to me and it makes absolute sense. Ronan’s heaven is with me, with his family, and even with all of you. He has left me little signs everywhere, I just didn’t know how true they were until now. The hardest part of this is not being able to physically see my baby boy anymore, not to be able to touch or hold him. I will never get over that but I have to believe his spirit is still here right next to me and someday, I will meet him on the other side. When it is my time to go. Until then, I will be sad for the rest of my life but I know that I will find a new happy as well. In the kindness of strangers, the love from my family and friends, and pushing forward to keep Ronan’s story alive so we can help other children. I want Ronan to be the voice for children with cancer everywhere. He would never give up this fight so I will do whatever it takes to support him. I couldn’t do this without all of you and I do believe the more people we have on our side, the more we are going to be able to do. So thank you again, for believing in my baby, for loving your beautiful, “perfect,” lives enough to know that Ronan deserved to have that too. And since he was robbed of it, the fact that you are all willing to continue to fight so hard for him with me says so much about the kind of people you are. I am honored to have you with us so we can continue on Ronan’s journey. I love him so much. I miss him so much. And I would give anything to have him back. Somedays, I swear I am going to just die from sadness but then I force myself to think about everything I have that is so beautiful in my life. I have to make a difference for everyone around me; not just Ronan. Liam and Quinn deserve to grow up and watch how if you live a life full of fight, passion, and love…. you can survive and do anything you want. I promise to make them proud of me too, by living our life as if Ronan is still here. By laughing about him, by talking to him, by celebrating him, by loving him forever.
Alright my sweet friends. I’m a snotty mess who needs to calm herself down. I wish tonight what I wish for every night. Blessings for all of you and sweet dreams of Ronan. He is safe… I know this now thanks to the stranger:) Tonight, I will fall asleep knowing that he is not roaming the streets of Vegas. Although, he would have made a very nice newest member of “The Wolfpack.”
G’night my sweet boy, Ronan. Tonight and every night, I’ll fall asleep with you in my heart.
xoxo

And a very special thank you to my Silent Auction Fairy Godmother. Yes, you know who you are. I’m telling you right now, that Ronan is going to watch over you everyday, for the rest of your life. Your generosity and pure love for someone you’ve never even met is unheard of in this day and age. It’s people like you that make this world such an amazing place. Thank you, my dear friend that I hope to meet someday 🙂

Happy Easter Ro baby

Oh Ro baby. Happy Easter. I’m not going to lie. It was a hard day today. At one point, I did not think I was going to be able to get out of bed. I wanted to spend the day hiding under my covers. It took me a few hours once I woke up, to get things started for the day. I was barely functioning. We planned on going over to Woody’s Uncle Larry’s house where all the cousins were going to be. In my head, I kept thinking, how am I going to face everyone? I’m way too sad. But I knew how much my twins were looking forward to it and I knew it would be good to be surrounded by our loving family. Woody and I got the boys ready and dressed and then got ready ourselves. Out the door we went and I turned my frown upside down; as best I could.

The day was spent watching the boys playing, laughing, running, swimming, and enjoying their cousins. Ronan even got a little wet and ran around as much as he could but stayed by my side most of the time. It was good to be with family on such a special day. There was a sadness in the air, but it was overcome by the beauty and strength of Ronan. I refused to let cancer ruin our beautiful day. Ronan was happy, smiling, and laughing while throwing water balloons at his cousins. Today, cancer did not win. Today, we held our heads high and enjoyed his little life to the fullest.

Ronan was ready to go after a couple of hours so Woody and I took him home while the twins stayed behind to play the rest of the day away. We came home and Woody ran out to do some things which left me here alone with Ronan for what I thought was going to be some quiet time. No quiet time allowed as I was told by him. He was all ready for a Star Wars battle so that is what we did. Fernanda stopped by to drop off some of her amazing confetti filled easter eggs which Ronan smashed over my head. She had her Brando with her and I wanted to just eat him up. Cutest thing ever. He was dressed in a tee-shirt, his skinny jeans, and cowboy boots. She has the most beautiful children and I was so happy they stopped by for a few minutes.

After Fernanda stopped by, I had texted Gay  earlier to tell her Ronan was really wanting to see Cal. She then came by about an hour later with her boys, Cal and Chet. Ronan was over the moon. They played and Gay helped me get a lot of the little things around the house put away. I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and the way they are handling all of this. They all refuse to give up and are more than rising to the occasion. I will never stop being blown away by all of their support and love. We are so blessed to be going through all of this with the most amazing people by our side.

I am finding laughter in the stupidest things these past few days. Not much is making me laugh anymore and laughing is one of my favorite things in the world. Woody has put on our “South Park,” DVDs. So stupid, vulgar, and immature…. but I have been dying laughing at them. Trey Parker and Matt Stone = Freaking geniuses. I am such a sucker for some dirty, foul-mouthed humor. Works every time. Even in my numb, fogged induced state of mind.

Tonight, we did normal family things. I got to tuck my Liam and Quinn in to bed which is such a precious gift to me now. I spent today washing all of their sheets and duvet covers. Felt so good to do something normal. I love laundry and I could never get tired of doing it. It is my favorite normal chore in the world.

I thought about a lot of you today, even the people I don’t know. I imagined your faces that I have made up in my head and wondered what you were doing on this day. I imagined a lot of your kids dressed up in their Easter best, a lot of you at church, and all of you watching your kids with your love for them pouring out of your hearts because you know how blessed you are to have them and I know how even more thankful you are for their health. Thinking of you all made me happy and warmed my heart. I hope I get to meet you all someday. I would like to give you a smile and a hug and thank you for supporting our family, whom you don’t even know. I am so thankful for all of you as well.

Tonight, after all of my babies are asleep I am going to go and kiss my husband and thank him for being the best man in the world and tell him how proud I am to be his wife. He deserves to hear this everyday. He is simply the most amazing man living on this planet. I will always think I am the luckiest girl alive that the stars aligned and we met when we did. I’ll never forget our first date and how I just knew he was the one. 11 years later and here we stand, going through the hardest thing of our lives, but we are going through it together, not apart. As much as I would like to put up my walls and as much as I try, Woody always finds a way to knock them down and I let him back in. He is the best thing that has ever been mine, that Wooddawg of mine. Mine forever. No matter what we have to go through. We will never let go of each other.

Sweet dreams to you all. I hope you had a beautiful day with your beautiful friends and family. I love you all so very much.

xoxo

This is from my sissy, Liz, tonight. I love you so much, Liz. This is just what I needed to hear.

Easter represents rebirth and new beginnings..how appropriate. Love you and your family with all my heart. And remember, we don’t call Ronan a rockstar for nothing!! 🙂 xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Dr. Kushner-

You want me to give up on this? You gave up so easily but I will never. Did you forget the most important factor in your decision making? Him. He is not like other little boys. He is our miracle, our Rockstar, our gift. This is not over and it breaks my heart that you stopped believing. Miracles do happen; everyday.

Fondly,

Maya Thompson