Everything’s not lost, but really it is


Ronan. You were everywhere today. I had to stop and catch my breath a few times just so I wouldn’t throw up. I am reminded of you in everything and everywhere. In the whole avocado that Quinn had for lunch. In the Mickey Mouse beach bag that Stacy carried her kids’ beach stuff in. In the Star Wars swim trunks that Mac had on today. Even as I watched your cousin, Jake, eat some Mandarin Oranges at dinner. I had to fight back the tears over all of those things today. You loved all of them so much. It’s so strange to see these things that have such little meaning to everyone else, but they mean everything to me. I don’t know how to deal with all of those little things because every time I see things like this, I just want to curl up and die.

I am not living. I am surviving. And it sucks. I still don’t understand why you were taken away from us so quickly. I think about this all the time. It kills me that everything changed so suddenly and how rapidly your disease progressed. I swear it happened over night. Your daddy and I fought so hard for you. We talked to the best doctors, researched everything we possibly could and it still was not enough. It all happened way too quickly and I’m still trying to make sense of something, even though I know I will probably never get an answer. I deserve one though and I am angry at the way the doctors just seem to want to sweep you under the rug, like you never existed. I want to hear from them that they are sorry. I want to them to look me in the eyes and see their pain because  they couldn’t save you. I want some sort of acknowledgement that you were here and they are sorry that they couldn’t save you. I know this won’t make you come back, but I want them to hurt the way I am hurting so that maybe they will work harder to save the life of the next child who is going through something like this. I know that these doctors work hard, but not fucking hard enough because you are gone. I want someone to blame, even though I know nobody deserves to carry the burden of this. This is the cause and effect of our insanely mad world. It is the only way to explain how such a thing can happen to a child or a teenager. Complete unfairness and insanity. There is no other answer.

I ran on the beach tonight and was so not feeling it. I pushed through for you though. I sat and watched a daddy pulling his little girl on a boogie board and then I watched as the mom came and swooped her up and off they went holding hands, running down the beach. I wonder if that mommy knows how lucky she is. I would have given anything to have been that mommy today, running down the beach and holding your hand. Instead, I get to watch somebody else doing it. It was another one of those outer body experiences that I seem to have all the time now. After I watched the mommy and little girl, I laid down and the sand and looked up at the sky and just cried. I didn’t want to finish my run, but you forced me to get back up and pound out the last 2 miles. The waves chased me a lot today and at one point I couldn’t run fast enough away from them. My sneakers ended up getting soaking wet. I thought of you and pretended that the waves were your little feet trying to run after me. I have to hold on to things like this; this imaginary life I have made up in my head just to get through the days without you.

I heard from, “The Stranger,” again tonight. Except now, I know her name. I liked hearing from her and a bit of her story. It took a lot for her to write her first email to me but I am so glad she had the courage to do so. Her words helped me last night when I was really needing it. She talked about how she struggled for nights to write that email and then to actually send it. After my day yesterday, her email could not have come at a more perfect time. I know that was you, Ro. Your little way of getting to me. Thank you for that.

Quinn and Liam have their cousins, Jake and Carter over for a sleepover tonight. All is quiet except for your big brother, Quinn is in bed with me watching Sports Center. I knew he would end up in here with me and not out in the living room with all the other boys. It has been so nice having your brothers spend time with their cousins. They have formed such a bond over such a short period of time and all the laughter and just watching them all be boys has made my heart a little happy. It is helping me to see your brothers laugh and smile despite the sadness that I know weighs heavy in their hearts. I’m watching them heal a little more one day at a time and I know a big part of this is the family that surrounds us. I am so thankful for that.

I’m so sad tonight, Ro. Your daddy is not here and when I talked to him on the phone I could hear how sad he was being at home all alone. Without us and without you. I don’t know what to do or to say except for to tell him I love him. I’m having a hard time talking to him about you yet because everything is too painful. When we do sit and talk about you we both just end up crying. I don’t think the crying is ever going to stop. I don’t think there are two parents who ever loved a little boy so much. I like to think that it is because of the love that your daddy and I have for each other which is why you were given to us. We love each other so much and you were such a gift. I just don’t know why you had to be taken away. And I don’t know how we are just supposed to go on because it does not seem possible to live our life without you. I’m clinging on to anything I possibly can, but it will never be enough and I honestly don’t know how I am going to survive this. This life hurts and this life is cruel.

But I am going to continue to fight through this because I know it is what you want. It is what your brothers deserve and your daddy too. But there is not a day that goes by that I wish the world would just swallow me whole. Every inch of my body hurts and misses you. That will stay with me for the rest of my life. I’ve somehow got to find a way to learn to live this new life without you. I promise I will try as long as you keep guiding me and giving me strength.

That is all for tonight my love. I hurt too much to write anymore. I love you to the moon and back my most beautiful boy. Sweet dreams.

P.S. Every song on Pandora tonight has reminded me of you. Are you the one making this little playlist for me, my sweet boy? Your gifts are all around. Everyday with you was the best day of my life. I love you, Ro baby.

xoxo

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10 thoughts on “Everything’s not lost, but really it is

  1. Shell_from_uk

    Your never on your own Maya you have your friends and family around you and all of us on the Internet that send their love to you every single day! Never be afraid of asking for a cuddle or just have someone to talk to or scream at, we are all here for you to help you through this painful heartbreak you are going though. Goodnight sweetheart speak to you tomorrow all my love xx

  2. sara

    Maya, I know Ronan is everywhere you are. He really is in everything beautiful. What an amazing little sweet soul. I have been hugging my kids so much lately, as I cannot imagine not having them with me. I am so proud of you and I cry for you all the time. I hope today is a lot easier for you. I wish I had the answers, but just know you truly are loved, my whole prespective of life has changed, because of Ronan. Maybe I will bump into you if you’re in San Diego, if I do, I just want to hug you so hard!!!

    I hope today is beautiful and you maybe you get to see your baby in your dreams tonight.

    Love, Sara M.

  3. Jaime Harris

    I am crying as I read this. I can’t imagine a greater pain in life than what you are experiencing. I’m so sorry Maya. Not parent deserves this. You’re handling it the best anyone could. I wish I could take some of your pain away! I feel it through your blogs. I feel so sad Ronan is gone and I never even met him. All I can say is I’m praying for you and your family every single day. I am hopeful God will give you all you need to get through this and some!! I know He can do above all we could ever ask or think or imagine! There are some great books out there addressing what you are going through. I would love to send you one! Anything to help you heal. My love and prayers continue to go out to you and your family Maya! Enjoy your twin buddies 🙂 love xoxo

  4. Laura

    Hopefully today is a better more sunshiny day. Our thoughts and prayers are with your entire family. Just place on foot in format of the other….baby steps. You really are doing remarkable. Just enjoy and breathe in those precious boys. I hope Woody is back soon.

  5. celeste

    You, your family and your posts about your sweet Ronan are in my heart and thoughts all the time. I grew up in Az and many of my girlfriends have posted about Ronan and that is how I learned of his strength and your beautiful, raw blog. We all want to help you share his story and help change the world and stop this evil disease! When you are ready, I know you have many mothers that are waiting to help you fight your and Ronan’s battle! I am one of them! You have lived my worst nightmare! Hell on Earth!!!!

    I saw a hummingbird this morning, out my window, as i was cuddling with one of my daughters. I too took the sweet bird zipping by as a reminder to soak in every moment with my daughters and take the time to let them be little and thought of your words…your Ronan. I decided to post, as I too want you to know that you sharing your stories is making the world a better place…a place where all us moms have another reminder of how lucky we really are to have these tiny people with us and a reminder that we never really know the tourture that many of those around us are going thru…so be kind to every stranger…just be kind. Thank you Maya for sharing Ronan and yourself with the world thru your writings. There are no words to say…I am just so sorry.

  6. Glenda

    Maya, that picture of you and Ronan – priceless! Beautiful. Love of a mother for her beautiful blue eyed rockstar! I was in SD last week and would’ve loved meeting you. Enjoy your time with Liam and Quinn. I am here to help you fight this disease when you are ready. I’ll be there tomorrow. Sending you hugs xx thinking of Rockstar Ro! He’s everywhere you are. He’s in your heart. He always will be!

  7. Chris

    Maya, I have no words to express my sadness for your family. I have no words that could come close to comforting you, so I won’t try and fail. I just want to tell you that through your blog, I have come to love you and your family.
    In many of your posts you have asked us to appreciate the little things, all the time, every day. I want you to know that when I hold my baby, I think of Ronan and your words. I have two older kids (11 and 18) and I know I took a lot of their childhood for granted, but not now, not ever again. I make sure to soak up every second, every kiss, every snuggle because we don’t know how long we have, they don’t stay little forever, cruel things like cancer come and take them away from us.
    I love the way you love Ronan, I love the way he is with you always, in everything you do. I love that you’ve shared him with us. And I hate that he was taken from you, that he had to suffer so much in his short life, that in 2011 medicine could not save a beautiful little boy who is supposed to be here. I will do everything I can to share his story, to raise awareness of this monster of a disease. But mostly, I will read your blog, and cry with you, and I will love my kids more every second because of Ronan.

  8. Yvonne Herrera

    I learned of your beautiful son, Ronan, on the Layla Grace Foundation FB page. I am truly sorry for your loss, and as I read each one of your blog entries, my heart breaks for you…for the loss you and your family have experienced. There is no greater love than the love and bond between a parent and a child, especially a mother.

    As I’m typing this, I’d love to give you inspirational words of wisdom, but I can’t. I have never been in your shoes, and if that day ever came, I’m certain I’d feel as lost as you do right now. My children are my world, and without them I would feel as you so honestly stated…you’re surviving, not living.

    I pray that you will find the strength you need with each passing day. Your family remains in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. david

    Maya, I hope things begin to get easier for you my wife and I have two boys one that is almost three and our baby that is 8 months old we are so sorry for your loss. I am in the healthcare field and I view sad stories or hear about accidents that happen on a daily basis its tough to deal with after reading about ronan my wife and I have realized how life is very special and can be over in a instant. I guess what im trying to say is your words have helped us be more patient and not sweat the lil things I hope that cancer can be a thing of the past im so sorry for your loss from what I have read he was a blessing and handsome with those big blue eyes I hope you and your husband see him in your dreams. My wife and I want to bring another baby into this world and I asked my wife if we had another boy I would like to name him ronan in honor of rockstar ronan although we never met u or your family what I have read and pictures I have seen he was a happy person im sure he was loved by all . I wish you and your family the best God Bless just a family man from phoenix

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