Little seal

 

Ronan. Your birthday. Daddy’s birthday. Liam and Quinn’s Birthday. Next up…. Father’s Day. Tomorrow. It’s hard enough having you gone, but having these “celebrations,” without you is unbearable. Tomorrow, I will somehow manage to get myself out of bed, somehow manage to go on about the day, somehow I will let your daddy know how much you love him. I will love him for you tomorrow. I can’t believe he has to be without you, so soon on fucking Father’s Day. No.No.No.No.No. This still can’t be true. I’ve managed to get through these days without you, but I do not want tomorrow to come. I wish we could all sleep right through it and wake up on Monday. Can’t we just skip over Father’s Day tomorrow?? I’m tired of these celebrations so soon after having you gone. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of an open wound. It’s all happening way too soon. I’m so sorry for your daddy. I’m so sorry that you can’t be with us tomorrow. I would give anything to change this, Ro. I know you know that.

We spent today at the pool and the beach with Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and Baby Chase. It was a gorgeous day out. I went surfing for a couple of hours. The Coronado beach was full of seaweed today. I was literally paddling my board out to get past the waves and my hands were full of seaweed after each stroke that I took. I didn’t mind though; it was so gross and unlike anything I have ever experienced before that it made me laugh. The waves were small today but it was good for me as I am still learning how to get the hang of this whole surfing thing. I stood up a lot which also made me smile. After I had been out for about an hour, I came back in to warm up. As I was laying on my towel, I heard some guys in the group of people next to me talking about how they were out boogie boarding and a little seal was out there with them. I, of course, thought of you. I wished I had seen this little seal today but just hearing them talk about it made me smile and cry all at the same time. You are my little seal. Your name always fit you so perfectly and you always reminded me of one with your playful ways. Even more so after you got cancer with your beautifully bald head and enormous seal eyes. Was that you today, watching over me without me even knowing you were so close by? I think it was. Thanks for keeping me safe. Next time, I’ll look for you.

After our beachy day, Laura and I ran some errands and your daddy and Kasey got the food ready to grill down by the pool. They cooked up a feast and we spent the evening eating and watching the kids run around and play. Liam and Quinn are so good with the little one’s. They were both so meant to be big brothers. I am so sad that they don’t have that anymore. They were always so good to you and loved you so much. My heart breaks for them almost more than it does mine. Watching them these past few days with Cameron and Chase has been beautiful and sad. They were meant to be big brothers in life. They were meant to be your big brothers. I’ll never understand this, Ro. Never. I’ll never understand why you had to be taken away from us. Such a cruel, cruel reality.

How am I going to get through tomorrow? How am I going to be strong enough to get your daddy through it? I’m about ready to start banning all holidays from now on except Halloween, which was your favorite. If I had my way from now on we’d only celebrate Halloween, and Birthdays. Everything else seems stupid and pointless. But so does everything without you. I’m sorry I’m being such a Debbie Downer tonight. My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do or how this is ever going to get better. I just miss you so very much. I’m going to go now, Ro. I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. I love you to the moon and back baby. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Chase and Quinn. Look how happy Quinn looks. He loved being your big brother so much, Ro.

Salt on an open wound

 

 

Ronan. Life goes on. One thing I am learning, is no matter what happens in life, it goes on. I hate this. I want everything and everyone around me to just stop. It’s apparent that this is not going to happen. I had no choice but to wake up today. It happens to me every morning, over and over again. Like groundhogs day. I woke up to the sunny sky and the ocean breeze. I told your daddy that we should go to The Hash House for breakfast. Do you remember when we went there a couple of summers ago? I think you had just turned 2. You were at that age where you would never sit still, but I somehow managed to keep you entertained as we enjoyed our breakfast. My friend, Kelly, took us with her husband and little girl, Gracie. Seems so long ago, Ro. But it wasn’t. I sat on a bench this morning, while we waited for a table. There was a mom sitting right next to me with her baby girl who was just 6 weeks old. I didn’t even know what to feel. Normally, I would have been all over this mom and sweet, new baby girl. Instead, I sat there quietly and tried to ignore her. Today, I felt a mix of jealousy, sadness, and emptiness. I thought about you when you were that little and what a gorgeous baby boy you were. I wished I could turn back time to have you all over again, as a baby, even if it still meant you ended up dying of cancer. I would do everything we just went though with you, all over again in a heartbeat. I don’t care how hard it was; at least you were still here. At least I still got to look into your big blue eyes and hear your little voice. I can never have those moments back now because some asshole named cancer has stolen them from me. I still can’t believe you are gone. I still cannot believe things like this happen in this day in age, especially to kids. Especially to you.

After the Hash House, we ran some errands. We then came back here and had a kind of lazy day. I took a nap with Quinn and your Daddy worked while Liam played on the iPad. It was a quiet day. The days I hate the most. We went over to Mimi and Papa’s condo for dinner. Liam is sleeping over there and Quinn is here with us. I can tell he is missing you so much. We watched some videos of you on my computer tonight from when you were about a year old. You made Quinn laugh like no other. He laughed so hard tonight as you  were up to your usual mischief and Quinn was your favorite target. He loved all the trouble you used to cause so much. I never thought I would complain about having boys that are so well behaved, but I am going to tonight. I miss your trouble making ways and the way you and Quinn would cause it together. Now, Quinny has nobody to cause mischief with as you know Liam is such a little rule follower and gentle soul. I cannot describe to you the absence you have left in all of our hearts Ronan. It’s like a whole new life. I life none of us ever dreamed of or wanted. A whole new, unwelcomed life where we have to struggle everyday to fill our days with something to make us smile. Today, we smiled over talking about you. Today, we cried about missing you too though. Those things seem to go hand and hand.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I actually have something to look forward to. Mimi and Papa are taking Liam and Quinn to Legoland which they are so excited about. Your daddy and I are going to drive to Laguna to meet up with Denise from Fore, Axel & Hudson. She is part of the amazing company who sent you all of your adorable hats and clothes. I have wanted to meet her for so long and we have been trying to coordinate meeting up. I can’t wait to give her the biggest hug for you. I need you to be with me tomorrow, baby. I cannot do this without you. As much as I am so excited to meet her and to tell her thank you in person, it is going to be hard not having you with me. I used to dream of the day that we could both meet her together, after we had gotten you all better. Your daddy is going with me so I will have him there to hold my hand. We will watch for your little signs all day tomorrow to know that you are with us. It will be the first time in a long time that your daddy and I have spent alone; just the two of us. I hope I’m not a wreck; it is hard for it to be just the two of us. Hard for me because I know your daddy is hurting just as badly as I am so it is like looking at myself, in a mirror, with my heart ripped out of my chest. The two of us together, alone, Ronan. It is just plain sad. The times that it is just the two of us, we basically just sit around, stare at each other and cry. I look in his eyes, and I see your eyes. Someday, I hope this will make me happy. But as of now, it’s like pouring salt on an open wound. Too much pain, everywhere.

I ended tonight by turning on the T.V. which I rarely to anymore. A movie, that I used to love, “Life as a House,” was on. Oye Vey. Bad idea to watch that movie. So good, but so sad. And of course it has to do with cancer. It was like a bad car accident though. I couldn’t stop watching or turn it off. I ended up bawling my eyes out. Cancer is just awful all around which is why things have to change. We are on to something though. That event for you, The Brightest Star in the Sky, that was put together in just a few weeks, raised 50k for you foundation, Ronan. 50K! I can you believe that?!?!?! I am still in shock and I am already hoping to turn this into an annual event. Think of all the awareness we are going to raise! My friend, Carolyn, said it was because of my words and your eyes that the event was such a success. I think she’s on to something. I’ve got a message to get out there and your beauty is going to help me do it. I was talking to Mr. Sparkly eyes today and you know how he is with his words. They always hit me hard. Today, he called me powerful. I laughed out loud at that, because I have never thought of myself this way. But after thinking about it, I feel like being powerful is something that I know I can be because I do have the passion and you on my side. I will use my power to make people aware of Neuroblastoma. Something most people have never even heard of. I am going to use my “power” in such a positive way and make such an impact. I have no choice. You will forever be my inspiration, my hero, my role model in life. You have changed me forever. Thank you, little man.

I’m going to snuggle up to your brother and your blanket, GiGi. Miss you so much, Ro. Sweet dreams. Come and cuddle with me tonight. I love you.

xoxo

You speak in every curling wave

 

 

 

Ronan. Today started off as good as it possibly could, without you here. We woke up and Liam, Quinn, and Layne spent the morning playing together. I put on my good mommy boots and made them all a huge breakfast. Waffles, fruit, eggs, bacon, sausage…… you name it, it was on the table. I thought of you the entire time as I was making the scrambled eggs, just as you would have liked them. You used to insist that I made the best scrambled eggs ever and would only eat them if I made them for you. I loved that so much. Soon, Layne went home to get ready for the day. Your daddy took Quinn and went off to Costco and to run some errands. I stayed here with Liam and we just kind of had a lazy day. I cleaned and did a lot of laundry. I had a few things trigger a lot of tears today and I did a lot of throwing up. Your dad came home to me, a wreck, just sitting on the bed, bawling. Quinn took one look at my face and sat down with me at told me he loved me and started rubbing my back. I forced the tears to stop and got up to help them unpack the things from Costco. Your daddy and Quinn came home with my very own surfboard for me. It almost cheered me up, but I mostly just couldn’t wait to get out into the water so I could get my ass kicked. I was on a mission. Mission accomplished.

I got your brothers all ready for the beach and we headed out to meet your cousins. They had their stuff in the sand, but they were all in the pool. We set our stuff next to theirs, Liam and Quinn headed out to the pool and I grabbed my board and paddled out into the ocean. The ocean seemed as angry today as I was. The waves were ridiculously big. I didn’t care. I paddled out as far as I could, which ended up being really far. Wave after wave threw me from my board and under the water. I continued out there, to try to get past them. I got up a few times, I asked for your help. At one point as I was paddling out, I looked up and a huge wave was getting ready to come crashing down on me. I think I said, “Oh shit,” out loud and ended up flying off my board and the fin ended up hitting the back of my arm really hard. I almost thought it was sliced open, that’s how badly it hurt. Turns out, it was not…. it turned into a big welt and bruise instead. No big deal, yo. As much as it’s hurting tonight, I am choosing to ignore it because all I can do is think about you and all the pain you felt, especially towards the end of your fight. This stupid welt on my arm has nothing on you, Ro. I surfed for a couple of hours and the current ended up pushing me really far away from my starting point. Tiffany was watching from the shore and when I finally got back over to her, she said she was a little concerned that I was going to end up in Mexico. I told her I didn’t realize how far away I had gone and that I was ALMOST a little scared for my life at one point. But not really because fear doesn’t really seem to exist anymore.

After my little surfing fiasco, I went to join your brothers and cousins at the pool. They are such little fish and didn’t stop swimming in the pool and the ocean until 9 tonight. We were down at the beach for 7 hours today. We met up with your Mimi and Papa, and Uncle Larry and Aunt Joan. Tiffany and her kids too, and we grilled up a big dinner by the pool while all the kids continued to swim. It was such a sweet summer night. Of course, the only thing missing was you. Quinn ended up cutting his little thumb on something in the hot tub so we had to doctor him up. I took him into the bathroom as he was very upset about his thumb. I changed him into his warm clothes, looked at his thumb that thanks to Tiffany and her first aid kit, we had it bandaged up pretty good. He was really upset about it and I just quietly explained to him that I was sorry he was hurt but he is going to get hurt in life; it’s just part of being a kid. I talked all about you and how after all the things that you went through, that were so painful, that you hardly ever cried. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing to make comparisons to you and how tough you were to Quinn. But tonight, it needed to be done and it felt right so I did it. I think more than anything, he was just tired and needed some mommy love. We packed up our stuff and Liam helped me carry everything to the condo while Quinn went on and on about his thumb. As soon as we got upstairs, I put him in my bed and 15 minutes later, he was out like a light. Worn out from his day at the beach and I know sad from missing you. Liam told me last night as he was crying that he was homesick. I asked what he exactly was homesick for. He told me his bed and you. I held him and told him we were all homesick for you, but now you lived in our hearts so you will always be with us. As much as I could tell you this seemed to bring him comfort, it didn’t. It didn’t help me either. I don’t want you in my heart; I want you back here with us, where your freaking belong.

After a long day, I ended it with talking to Stacy. What a perfect way to end my night then with a phone call from her. She had a lot to tell me about meeting with the busy little bees today in regards to the event that they put on at The Biltmore for you on Friday night. I sat, cried, and listened as she told me about meeting with the girls and how amazing they are and how much love they have in their hearts for you. I am still in awe of how quickly they put on this event and how many people came out to support it. We talked about how after the summer, I would like to sit down and pour all of my energy into making this an event something we do every year for you. For others, because as I’ve said before, we have to raise awareness. I cannot believe the army of people that we already have lined up to help us with this. I don’t even know how this happened. Actually, I do. It is all you, Ronan. You are changing lives everywhere. I cannot wait to personally meet all the people who helped with this event and give them all the biggest hug from you. The passion that you have created is astounding and once again, I am so proud to be your mama and your best friend. I miss you, Ronan. I know you are here though. Thanks for the little sign tonight that comes from my Pandora. Right now, as I’m writing this, your song came on. The song that we played for you every time you were left alone in the room for your radiation. The Killers, “Human.” You are such a special little soul. G’nite best friend. Thank you for visiting your daddy so much in his dreams lately. I know you will come to be when the time is right and I can get off of this damn Ambian. Love you to the moon and back, baby.

xoxo