The summer of the Dolphins

Ronan. I’m not sure what I have written in these past few posts. I think they have been a little dark, scary, and sad though. I’m sorry. I had a better day today. I promise. I tried my best. We took your brothers for lunch and were deciding on going to the Zoo or to play football. They chose football. You would have loved it. You were missed by everyone. It still feels so strange, it just being the four of us. Not right at all. But we made the best of it that we could. After Football, your daddy and Liam went to run some errands. Quinny and I hung out here. As soon as they returned, I had a craving for Pinkberry. Quinn and I hopped in the car to drive to downtown San Diego to pick some up. As I was texting Liz to see if she wanted any, she told me to come over to the bench that she and her mom were sitting on, in front of the El Camino Pool. I parked and walked over with Quinn. Liz started to tell her mom to tell me what they had figured out about all the dolphins we have seen. Karen said no, not in front of Quinn. I sat and just watched the ocean. About 5 minutes later, Quinn spotted the dolphins. Liz started crying. Karen and I held her as the tears rolled down her cheeks. I wasn’t aware of what they had figured out, but I knew it had something to do with the dolphins, Ronan, and me. It has been a strange dolphin summer. Every time I am out by the ocean, they just appear. Liz told Karen tonight, if they appeared when I came over to sit down at the bench,she was going to freak out. They appeared and that is when she started to cry. I knew why. We all know why, Ro. It is your sign to me that you are o.k. That you are happy, playful, and loved….. wherever you are. When I tried to get out to the dolphins on my paddle board the other day, as soon as I got out into the water, they all disappeared. It was weird. The second I was coming back into shore, they appeared right behind me, where I had been moments earlier. It’s like you are telling me, you can see me, but you can’t get too close. You will see me again, but it’s not time yet. You still want me to know you are here, you will always be here until we are ready to go off in our own little world together. I cried on that bench today too with Liz. She then went home and looked up some dolphin symbolism. So beautiful.

Dolphins seen in Christian art are symbolic of resurrection. Some artists utilize the protective, stabilizing, compassionate demeanor of the dolphin as a message of wellbeing to the pure of heart. Some artistic renditions speak of dolphins transporting the spirits of the faithful to Christ’s side upon leaving their physical bodies. Also in Greece, the dolphin is a compatriot of both the god Apollo (sun) and the goddess Aphrodite (moon).This is a key understanding because the dolphin meaning is connected with themes of duality. It has to do with the dolphin being both fish and mammal. It is both of the water, and an air breather. Ergo, dolphin symbolism talks to us about “being in two worlds at once.” Poseidon (Greek), Neptune (Roman)
Themes of kingship, rulership, authority, strength, dominion, freedom, intelligence, compassion and fatherly protection over the entire kingdom (sea).
Eros (Greek), Cupid (Roman)
These gods contribute dolphin meaning of: Love, friendliness, playfulness, sensuality, desire, exploration, curiosity, attraction and joy.
Dionysus (Greek), Bacchus (Roman)
These deities underscore the dolphins ability to uplift, and carries themes of joviality, freedom, wildness, abandon, creative self-expression. The term delphi is noteworthy as the Greek word for dolphin is delphis and its derivative, delphys means womb. This incorporates more lunar and feminine attributes to the dolphin scene. In Celtic animal symbolism, the dolphin as a highly honored creature as it was seen as the protector of sacred wells and sacred water. The dolphin, to the Celtic mind, is the watcher of the waters, and the guardians of all things water-associated. Pirate lore also hails the dolphin as a symbol of protection.

From my love, LIZ::::::: I know you’ve want to see Ronan in your dreams, but I swear… these fucking dolphins, Maya. My mom said when you guys were talking by the pool yesterday, they were there the entire time. I have no doubt in my mind they are the sign you’ve been looking for. I hope you can sleep better tonight knowing that Ro is always ALWAYS by your side. Love you so much.

I do believe this. It’s happened too many times for me not to. I can’t think of one time that I have not been out by the beach and not had them be there too. At the exact same time I am. I know they don’t just hang out there all day and night. It’s a sign indeed. A beautiful sign from my baby boy. Thanks, Ro. You know I needed that, especially after my hard couple of days.

I took Quinn to Pinkberry tonight. He is my little sidekick. Stuck like glue. He is sleeping between your daddy and I with you GiGi on his head. Just like the way you used to sleep with us after you got sick. I miss watching you sleep. I miss you squeaky voice so much. I’ve got to figure out how to get through this without you, Ro. I’ve got to “flip the switch,” as my friend says. I wish it were that simple, that easy. I need a better attitude?? I need to not miss you so much?? I need to find things to occupy my time?? Are those the answers? I don’t know. I hate the unknown. It’s days like today that I am happy that I got out of bed before 9 and I did my best to play with mommy role that feels so unnatural without you. But I did it. Sucked it up and did it.

I got a random text from my little 17-year-old airplane pal. I have not heard from him in forever. He said he was having a bad day, he is lonely, and he is tired of the drama with girls. This made me smile. Not to take away anything from what he is going though at 17, but what wouldn’t I give for those problems. He told me at 17 he just wants someone to share his life with. I told him the only people he needed to be sharing his life with at 17 are his friends and figuring out what truly makes him happy. I told him it could be a lonely journey, but it will be worth it. How if you take care of yourself first, everything will just fall into place. I told him how I understood, how at 17 I felt very restless and wasn’t really sure what I wanted out of my life so I took the time to leave my town and just focus on me. I never looked back. I told him how I have learned the very hard way how precious life really is, how I will forever be destroyed because I don’t get to watch you grow up. I told him that he, Bryson, has everything, right in front of him. My advice to him was not to let the petty things get him down, to take this time and live his life for him and nobody else, travel, get out of Utah, read books, run, play sports, study, fall in love 10 different times, make mistakes, learn from them, and then make them all over again. I think he liked what I had to say as he told me that I had just made his life sound 10 times more exciting. Glad I could help:) You are a good kid, B, so you will be just fine.

OK baby boy. Ambien nights are here. I love you to the moon and back. You are my heart, my soul, my everything, forever. Nothing can take that away. Sweet dreams, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

You speak in every curling wave

 

 

 

Ronan. Today started off as good as it possibly could, without you here. We woke up and Liam, Quinn, and Layne spent the morning playing together. I put on my good mommy boots and made them all a huge breakfast. Waffles, fruit, eggs, bacon, sausage…… you name it, it was on the table. I thought of you the entire time as I was making the scrambled eggs, just as you would have liked them. You used to insist that I made the best scrambled eggs ever and would only eat them if I made them for you. I loved that so much. Soon, Layne went home to get ready for the day. Your daddy took Quinn and went off to Costco and to run some errands. I stayed here with Liam and we just kind of had a lazy day. I cleaned and did a lot of laundry. I had a few things trigger a lot of tears today and I did a lot of throwing up. Your dad came home to me, a wreck, just sitting on the bed, bawling. Quinn took one look at my face and sat down with me at told me he loved me and started rubbing my back. I forced the tears to stop and got up to help them unpack the things from Costco. Your daddy and Quinn came home with my very own surfboard for me. It almost cheered me up, but I mostly just couldn’t wait to get out into the water so I could get my ass kicked. I was on a mission. Mission accomplished.

I got your brothers all ready for the beach and we headed out to meet your cousins. They had their stuff in the sand, but they were all in the pool. We set our stuff next to theirs, Liam and Quinn headed out to the pool and I grabbed my board and paddled out into the ocean. The ocean seemed as angry today as I was. The waves were ridiculously big. I didn’t care. I paddled out as far as I could, which ended up being really far. Wave after wave threw me from my board and under the water. I continued out there, to try to get past them. I got up a few times, I asked for your help. At one point as I was paddling out, I looked up and a huge wave was getting ready to come crashing down on me. I think I said, “Oh shit,” out loud and ended up flying off my board and the fin ended up hitting the back of my arm really hard. I almost thought it was sliced open, that’s how badly it hurt. Turns out, it was not…. it turned into a big welt and bruise instead. No big deal, yo. As much as it’s hurting tonight, I am choosing to ignore it because all I can do is think about you and all the pain you felt, especially towards the end of your fight. This stupid welt on my arm has nothing on you, Ro. I surfed for a couple of hours and the current ended up pushing me really far away from my starting point. Tiffany was watching from the shore and when I finally got back over to her, she said she was a little concerned that I was going to end up in Mexico. I told her I didn’t realize how far away I had gone and that I was ALMOST a little scared for my life at one point. But not really because fear doesn’t really seem to exist anymore.

After my little surfing fiasco, I went to join your brothers and cousins at the pool. They are such little fish and didn’t stop swimming in the pool and the ocean until 9 tonight. We were down at the beach for 7 hours today. We met up with your Mimi and Papa, and Uncle Larry and Aunt Joan. Tiffany and her kids too, and we grilled up a big dinner by the pool while all the kids continued to swim. It was such a sweet summer night. Of course, the only thing missing was you. Quinn ended up cutting his little thumb on something in the hot tub so we had to doctor him up. I took him into the bathroom as he was very upset about his thumb. I changed him into his warm clothes, looked at his thumb that thanks to Tiffany and her first aid kit, we had it bandaged up pretty good. He was really upset about it and I just quietly explained to him that I was sorry he was hurt but he is going to get hurt in life; it’s just part of being a kid. I talked all about you and how after all the things that you went through, that were so painful, that you hardly ever cried. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing to make comparisons to you and how tough you were to Quinn. But tonight, it needed to be done and it felt right so I did it. I think more than anything, he was just tired and needed some mommy love. We packed up our stuff and Liam helped me carry everything to the condo while Quinn went on and on about his thumb. As soon as we got upstairs, I put him in my bed and 15 minutes later, he was out like a light. Worn out from his day at the beach and I know sad from missing you. Liam told me last night as he was crying that he was homesick. I asked what he exactly was homesick for. He told me his bed and you. I held him and told him we were all homesick for you, but now you lived in our hearts so you will always be with us. As much as I could tell you this seemed to bring him comfort, it didn’t. It didn’t help me either. I don’t want you in my heart; I want you back here with us, where your freaking belong.

After a long day, I ended it with talking to Stacy. What a perfect way to end my night then with a phone call from her. She had a lot to tell me about meeting with the busy little bees today in regards to the event that they put on at The Biltmore for you on Friday night. I sat, cried, and listened as she told me about meeting with the girls and how amazing they are and how much love they have in their hearts for you. I am still in awe of how quickly they put on this event and how many people came out to support it. We talked about how after the summer, I would like to sit down and pour all of my energy into making this an event something we do every year for you. For others, because as I’ve said before, we have to raise awareness. I cannot believe the army of people that we already have lined up to help us with this. I don’t even know how this happened. Actually, I do. It is all you, Ronan. You are changing lives everywhere. I cannot wait to personally meet all the people who helped with this event and give them all the biggest hug from you. The passion that you have created is astounding and once again, I am so proud to be your mama and your best friend. I miss you, Ronan. I know you are here though. Thanks for the little sign tonight that comes from my Pandora. Right now, as I’m writing this, your song came on. The song that we played for you every time you were left alone in the room for your radiation. The Killers, “Human.” You are such a special little soul. G’nite best friend. Thank you for visiting your daddy so much in his dreams lately. I know you will come to be when the time is right and I can get off of this damn Ambian. Love you to the moon and back, baby.

xoxo