Your little footprints, are going to leave big marks

Ronan. Hi baby. What are you doing? I hope you are sleeping, peacefully and dreaming the sweetest dreams. I hope you are visiting all of our special friends and family in this world and giving them all the sweetest dreams possible. I hope I get to see you tonight. Today started off lovely. Lovely in every way, without having you here. Tricia asked if I wanted to go to Hot Yoga with her. I’m not ready to go back to that yet, as I am too angry at the world. I asked her to go with me, around noon, on a hot hike instead. I felt the need to take my anger out on the mountain today, as I have done every day this week and I wasn’t going to let the fact that it was noon and 105 degrees out; stop me. We kicked that mountains arse today, and then some. I love my bestie for being crazy enough to do it with me. We ran down the mountain as fast as we could; without falling on our faces. It was hard, but felt good. The sweat dripping from my face stung my eyes so badly that I had to pull over and wipe them for a while, so I could see enough to drive again. I was relieved to feel the sting from the sweat as it gave me a break from my tears. I felt like I was going to pass out as I sat in the car and tried to pull myself back together. I didn’t care.

I came home, hopped in the shower and than went with Danielle and Tricia to get our tattoos touched up. All of ours have faded, so we went to get them fixed. I thought Tricia was going to pass out from the pain. I sat with her as she squeezed my hand and shut her eyes. Her little star looks so much better now. I went after her and enjoyed the pain of having my little purple stars recolored, a darker purple. The pain that is so totally addicting. I love it because once again, it is a change from the pain I feel all the time now. Danielle dropped me off at home. It felt good being with those two today. I miss them so much. I was supposed to go out to dinner with them last night; to celebrate Danielle’s 4th of July Birthday…. but I just couldn’t do it. I was tired with a headache and the thought of getting ready and going to Chelsea’s Kitchen; with tons of people, was just too much for me. I felt awful though because I am never here to celebrate D’s birthday during the summer. And she deserves to be celebrated for being such an amazing soul. Today was important to me, to go and to be with those two girls. The time with them, is always special to me.

After D dropped me off, we got ready to pick up Liam from a Birthday Party, and than headed to the AZ County Club to meet Kenny, Stacy, and their kiddos for some family fun time. I thought I was going to be o.k. I had a little anxiety about going in at first, but I talked myself down from it. The boys’ were so happy to be there and we were so happy to be meeting our dear friends for some swimming, playing, and dinner outside. I had the chance to say hello to a lot of wonderful women. Some of my busy little bees. I loved seeing them and getting a chance to give them hugs and tell them thank you. I hope they could feel all the love in my heart I have for them. I am so thankful and proud for the beautiful people who are so in love with you, that they want to help and make a difference. The fact that these strangers, are taking the time out of their busy lives, to help ours so we can leave your little footprints all over this world, is such a beautiful gift, Ro. I cannot do this without the help of these selfless souls. They all make my heart smile. One of the women I met tonight was named, Sassy. For real. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

We sat and had dinner. I tried to eat. Kenny’s exact words to me were, “Hey sister. You may be able to get away with that not eating crap at home, but not on my watch. Eat. That Coke Slurp Buster crap is not going to fly tonight.” Made me laugh, so I tried my best to force feed myself. And force feed myself I did. But then it happened. The little boy, sitting across from me; Kenny and Stacy’s family…… FUCK. The sweet little boy, who looked so much like you. Even your Daddy knew it; as soon as he saw him. He instantly asked me if I was going to be o.k. I smiled and just quietly said yes. I tried to be o.k. But I ended up crying at the table, to his mom, telling her how much he looked like you. She said she knew, that she had talked about it with Stacy before we got there. She said she was sorry. I told her not to be sorry that he so much reminded me of you. I was the one who was sorry for crying like a psychopath; but there was nothing I could do. I got up, as I was feeling so sick to my stomach. I went to go and find your brothers. I sat and watched them play basketball for a while and tried to ignore the waves of nausea washing over me. I was having such a physical reaction to seeing this little boy, that I ended up in the bathroom, throwing up every thing I had just eaten. Good thing I have learned to carry a toothbrush and toothpaste with me at all times, because I never know when this is going to happen. And it happens so often now, that I am just learning to get used to it. Add it to the list of many things that I am going to have to get used to now in this almost unlivable life without you.

We ended our night with happy kids, hugs, and an ice fight. I sat and watched as all of our kids, threw pebble ice at each other and laughed away. I looked up at the sky and could almost hear your giggles of laughter, as you would have so loved to have been in the middle of all of this. It is so wrong that you are not. I am so sorry. I love you to the moon and back, my spicy monkey. I hope you are safe. I have to say goodnight now. Too many tears tonight to continue on. Love you, Ro.


I love my sisters. So very much.

My busy little bees!

Finally, I get to see your beautiful faces!! This picture made me smile so big tonight after I had bawled for about 20 minutes due to missing Ronan so much. This picture made me feel like I can do this and I’m not alone. THANK YOU TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! I have so much love in my heart for all of you amazing women. I cannot wait to personally thank you myself after we are back from trying to heal a little bit. Love you all.



You speak in every curling wave




Ronan. Today started off as good as it possibly could, without you here. We woke up and Liam, Quinn, and Layne spent the morning playing together. I put on my good mommy boots and made them all a huge breakfast. Waffles, fruit, eggs, bacon, sausage…… you name it, it was on the table. I thought of you the entire time as I was making the scrambled eggs, just as you would have liked them. You used to insist that I made the best scrambled eggs ever and would only eat them if I made them for you. I loved that so much. Soon, Layne went home to get ready for the day. Your daddy took Quinn and went off to Costco and to run some errands. I stayed here with Liam and we just kind of had a lazy day. I cleaned and did a lot of laundry. I had a few things trigger a lot of tears today and I did a lot of throwing up. Your dad came home to me, a wreck, just sitting on the bed, bawling. Quinn took one look at my face and sat down with me at told me he loved me and started rubbing my back. I forced the tears to stop and got up to help them unpack the things from Costco. Your daddy and Quinn came home with my very own surfboard for me. It almost cheered me up, but I mostly just couldn’t wait to get out into the water so I could get my ass kicked. I was on a mission. Mission accomplished.

I got your brothers all ready for the beach and we headed out to meet your cousins. They had their stuff in the sand, but they were all in the pool. We set our stuff next to theirs, Liam and Quinn headed out to the pool and I grabbed my board and paddled out into the ocean. The ocean seemed as angry today as I was. The waves were ridiculously big. I didn’t care. I paddled out as far as I could, which ended up being really far. Wave after wave threw me from my board and under the water. I continued out there, to try to get past them. I got up a few times, I asked for your help. At one point as I was paddling out, I looked up and a huge wave was getting ready to come crashing down on me. I think I said, “Oh shit,” out loud and ended up flying off my board and the fin ended up hitting the back of my arm really hard. I almost thought it was sliced open, that’s how badly it hurt. Turns out, it was not…. it turned into a big welt and bruise instead. No big deal, yo. As much as it’s hurting tonight, I am choosing to ignore it because all I can do is think about you and all the pain you felt, especially towards the end of your fight. This stupid welt on my arm has nothing on you, Ro. I surfed for a couple of hours and the current ended up pushing me really far away from my starting point. Tiffany was watching from the shore and when I finally got back over to her, she said she was a little concerned that I was going to end up in Mexico. I told her I didn’t realize how far away I had gone and that I was ALMOST a little scared for my life at one point. But not really because fear doesn’t really seem to exist anymore.

After my little surfing fiasco, I went to join your brothers and cousins at the pool. They are such little fish and didn’t stop swimming in the pool and the ocean until 9 tonight. We were down at the beach for 7 hours today. We met up with your Mimi and Papa, and Uncle Larry and Aunt Joan. Tiffany and her kids too, and we grilled up a big dinner by the pool while all the kids continued to swim. It was such a sweet summer night. Of course, the only thing missing was you. Quinn ended up cutting his little thumb on something in the hot tub so we had to doctor him up. I took him into the bathroom as he was very upset about his thumb. I changed him into his warm clothes, looked at his thumb that thanks to Tiffany and her first aid kit, we had it bandaged up pretty good. He was really upset about it and I just quietly explained to him that I was sorry he was hurt but he is going to get hurt in life; it’s just part of being a kid. I talked all about you and how after all the things that you went through, that were so painful, that you hardly ever cried. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing to make comparisons to you and how tough you were to Quinn. But tonight, it needed to be done and it felt right so I did it. I think more than anything, he was just tired and needed some mommy love. We packed up our stuff and Liam helped me carry everything to the condo while Quinn went on and on about his thumb. As soon as we got upstairs, I put him in my bed and 15 minutes later, he was out like a light. Worn out from his day at the beach and I know sad from missing you. Liam told me last night as he was crying that he was homesick. I asked what he exactly was homesick for. He told me his bed and you. I held him and told him we were all homesick for you, but now you lived in our hearts so you will always be with us. As much as I could tell you this seemed to bring him comfort, it didn’t. It didn’t help me either. I don’t want you in my heart; I want you back here with us, where your freaking belong.

After a long day, I ended it with talking to Stacy. What a perfect way to end my night then with a phone call from her. She had a lot to tell me about meeting with the busy little bees today in regards to the event that they put on at The Biltmore for you on Friday night. I sat, cried, and listened as she told me about meeting with the girls and how amazing they are and how much love they have in their hearts for you. I am still in awe of how quickly they put on this event and how many people came out to support it. We talked about how after the summer, I would like to sit down and pour all of my energy into making this an event something we do every year for you. For others, because as I’ve said before, we have to raise awareness. I cannot believe the army of people that we already have lined up to help us with this. I don’t even know how this happened. Actually, I do. It is all you, Ronan. You are changing lives everywhere. I cannot wait to personally meet all the people who helped with this event and give them all the biggest hug from you. The passion that you have created is astounding and once again, I am so proud to be your mama and your best friend. I miss you, Ronan. I know you are here though. Thanks for the little sign tonight that comes from my Pandora. Right now, as I’m writing this, your song came on. The song that we played for you every time you were left alone in the room for your radiation. The Killers, “Human.” You are such a special little soul. G’nite best friend. Thank you for visiting your daddy so much in his dreams lately. I know you will come to be when the time is right and I can get off of this damn Ambian. Love you to the moon and back, baby.