Your little footprints, are going to leave big marks

Ronan. Hi baby. What are you doing? I hope you are sleeping, peacefully and dreaming the sweetest dreams. I hope you are visiting all of our special friends and family in this world and giving them all the sweetest dreams possible. I hope I get to see you tonight. Today started off lovely. Lovely in every way, without having you here. Tricia asked if I wanted to go to Hot Yoga with her. I’m not ready to go back to that yet, as I am too angry at the world. I asked her to go with me, around noon, on a hot hike instead. I felt the need to take my anger out on the mountain today, as I have done every day this week and I wasn’t going to let the fact that it was noon and 105 degrees out; stop me. We kicked that mountains arse today, and then some. I love my bestie for being crazy enough to do it with me. We ran down the mountain as fast as we could; without falling on our faces. It was hard, but felt good. The sweat dripping from my face stung my eyes so badly that I had to pull over and wipe them for a while, so I could see enough to drive again. I was relieved to feel the sting from the sweat as it gave me a break from my tears. I felt like I was going to pass out as I sat in the car and tried to pull myself back together. I didn’t care.

I came home, hopped in the shower and than went with Danielle and Tricia to get our tattoos touched up. All of ours have faded, so we went to get them fixed. I thought Tricia was going to pass out from the pain. I sat with her as she squeezed my hand and shut her eyes. Her little star looks so much better now. I went after her and enjoyed the pain of having my little purple stars recolored, a darker purple. The pain that is so totally addicting. I love it because once again, it is a change from the pain I feel all the time now. Danielle dropped me off at home. It felt good being with those two today. I miss them so much. I was supposed to go out to dinner with them last night; to celebrate Danielle’s 4th of July Birthday…. but I just couldn’t do it. I was tired with a headache and the thought of getting ready and going to Chelsea’s Kitchen; with tons of people, was just too much for me. I felt awful though because I am never here to celebrate D’s birthday during the summer. And she deserves to be celebrated for being such an amazing soul. Today was important to me, to go and to be with those two girls. The time with them, is always special to me.

After D dropped me off, we got ready to pick up Liam from a Birthday Party, and than headed to the AZ County Club to meet Kenny, Stacy, and their kiddos for some family fun time. I thought I was going to be o.k. I had a little anxiety about going in at first, but I talked myself down from it. The boys’ were so happy to be there and we were so happy to be meeting our dear friends for some swimming, playing, and dinner outside. I had the chance to say hello to a lot of wonderful women. Some of my busy little bees. I loved seeing them and getting a chance to give them hugs and tell them thank you. I hope they could feel all the love in my heart I have for them. I am so thankful and proud for the beautiful people who are so in love with you, that they want to help and make a difference. The fact that these strangers, are taking the time out of their busy lives, to help ours so we can leave your little footprints all over this world, is such a beautiful gift, Ro. I cannot do this without the help of these selfless souls. They all make my heart smile. One of the women I met tonight was named, Sassy. For real. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

We sat and had dinner. I tried to eat. Kenny’s exact words to me were, “Hey sister. You may be able to get away with that not eating crap at home, but not on my watch. Eat. That Coke Slurp Buster crap is not going to fly tonight.” Made me laugh, so I tried my best to force feed myself. And force feed myself I did. But then it happened. The little boy, sitting across from me; Kenny and Stacy’s family…… FUCK. The sweet little boy, who looked so much like you. Even your Daddy knew it; as soon as he saw him. He instantly asked me if I was going to be o.k. I smiled and just quietly said yes. I tried to be o.k. But I ended up crying at the table, to his mom, telling her how much he looked like you. She said she knew, that she had talked about it with Stacy before we got there. She said she was sorry. I told her not to be sorry that he so much reminded me of you. I was the one who was sorry for crying like a psychopath; but there was nothing I could do. I got up, as I was feeling so sick to my stomach. I went to go and find your brothers. I sat and watched them play basketball for a while and tried to ignore the waves of nausea washing over me. I was having such a physical reaction to seeing this little boy, that I ended up in the bathroom, throwing up every thing I had just eaten. Good thing I have learned to carry a toothbrush and toothpaste with me at all times, because I never know when this is going to happen. And it happens so often now, that I am just learning to get used to it. Add it to the list of many things that I am going to have to get used to now in this almost unlivable life without you.

We ended our night with happy kids, hugs, and an ice fight. I sat and watched as all of our kids, threw pebble ice at each other and laughed away. I looked up at the sky and could almost hear your giggles of laughter, as you would have so loved to have been in the middle of all of this. It is so wrong that you are not. I am so sorry. I love you to the moon and back, my spicy monkey. I hope you are safe. I have to say goodnight now. Too many tears tonight to continue on. Love you, Ro.


I love my sisters. So very much.

7 responses to “Your little footprints, are going to leave big marks”

  1. Hi Maya~ I’m sorry today was so hard after seeing that little boy…I cannot begin to phathom how painful this must be. Know that someone is at home right now thinking of you and your family, your sweet Ronan, and praying that God would help carry you through this. Big hugs~ michelle 🙂

  2. I loved that quote at the top-so glad you have such wonderful friends in your life! I’m sure seeing that little boy was so hard! Sorry for that 😦 God bless you Maya! Pray for you all the time! xoxo

  3. Pretty picture too :)!

  4. Glad that most of the day was great. Hope you have more days like it. You sound so much better now that you are away from the ambiem. Hope Ronan will visit you in your dreams again soon.

  5. Maya,

    My heart aches for you!
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!!
    Peace and strength

  6. You don’t know me, but I have been following the journey you have been on. I wish I had words, but everything I come up with sounds so trite and pat… I’m so sorry, and I regret that is my feeble attempt at conveying anything after so great a loss.

  7. I read your story last night and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. I’m so overcome with sadness for you and your boys. The tears won’t stop as I think of your strength and courage to get up every day and go through life without beautiful Ronan.
    Thank you for opening your heart to all of us. You have given me a great gift in the last 24 hours: the reminder to slow down and love on my two boys constantly, and to treasure their very existence. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

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