Your little footprints, are going to leave big marks

Ronan. Hi baby. What are you doing? I hope you are sleeping, peacefully and dreaming the sweetest dreams. I hope you are visiting all of our special friends and family in this world and giving them all the sweetest dreams possible. I hope I get to see you tonight. Today started off lovely. Lovely in every way, without having you here. Tricia asked if I wanted to go to Hot Yoga with her. I’m not ready to go back to that yet, as I am too angry at the world. I asked her to go with me, around noon, on a hot hike instead. I felt the need to take my anger out on the mountain today, as I have done every day this week and I wasn’t going to let the fact that it was noon and 105 degrees out; stop me. We kicked that mountains arse today, and then some. I love my bestie for being crazy enough to do it with me. We ran down the mountain as fast as we could; without falling on our faces. It was hard, but felt good. The sweat dripping from my face stung my eyes so badly that I had to pull over and wipe them for a while, so I could see enough to drive again. I was relieved to feel the sting from the sweat as it gave me a break from my tears. I felt like I was going to pass out as I sat in the car and tried to pull myself back together. I didn’t care.

I came home, hopped in the shower and than went with Danielle and Tricia to get our tattoos touched up. All of ours have faded, so we went to get them fixed. I thought Tricia was going to pass out from the pain. I sat with her as she squeezed my hand and shut her eyes. Her little star looks so much better now. I went after her and enjoyed the pain of having my little purple stars recolored, a darker purple. The pain that is so totally addicting. I love it because once again, it is a change from the pain I feel all the time now. Danielle dropped me off at home. It felt good being with those two today. I miss them so much. I was supposed to go out to dinner with them last night; to celebrate Danielle’s 4th of July Birthday…. but I just couldn’t do it. I was tired with a headache and the thought of getting ready and going to Chelsea’s Kitchen; with tons of people, was just too much for me. I felt awful though because I am never here to celebrate D’s birthday during the summer. And she deserves to be celebrated for being such an amazing soul. Today was important to me, to go and to be with those two girls. The time with them, is always special to me.

After D dropped me off, we got ready to pick up Liam from a Birthday Party, and than headed to the AZ County Club to meet Kenny, Stacy, and their kiddos for some family fun time. I thought I was going to be o.k. I had a little anxiety about going in at first, but I talked myself down from it. The boys’ were so happy to be there and we were so happy to be meeting our dear friends for some swimming, playing, and dinner outside. I had the chance to say hello to a lot of wonderful women. Some of my busy little bees. I loved seeing them and getting a chance to give them hugs and tell them thank you. I hope they could feel all the love in my heart I have for them. I am so thankful and proud for the beautiful people who are so in love with you, that they want to help and make a difference. The fact that these strangers, are taking the time out of their busy lives, to help ours so we can leave your little footprints all over this world, is such a beautiful gift, Ro. I cannot do this without the help of these selfless souls. They all make my heart smile. One of the women I met tonight was named, Sassy. For real. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

We sat and had dinner. I tried to eat. Kenny’s exact words to me were, “Hey sister. You may be able to get away with that not eating crap at home, but not on my watch. Eat. That Coke Slurp Buster crap is not going to fly tonight.” Made me laugh, so I tried my best to force feed myself. And force feed myself I did. But then it happened. The little boy, sitting across from me; Kenny and Stacy’s family…… FUCK. The sweet little boy, who looked so much like you. Even your Daddy knew it; as soon as he saw him. He instantly asked me if I was going to be o.k. I smiled and just quietly said yes. I tried to be o.k. But I ended up crying at the table, to his mom, telling her how much he looked like you. She said she knew, that she had talked about it with Stacy before we got there. She said she was sorry. I told her not to be sorry that he so much reminded me of you. I was the one who was sorry for crying like a psychopath; but there was nothing I could do. I got up, as I was feeling so sick to my stomach. I went to go and find your brothers. I sat and watched them play basketball for a while and tried to ignore the waves of nausea washing over me. I was having such a physical reaction to seeing this little boy, that I ended up in the bathroom, throwing up every thing I had just eaten. Good thing I have learned to carry a toothbrush and toothpaste with me at all times, because I never know when this is going to happen. And it happens so often now, that I am just learning to get used to it. Add it to the list of many things that I am going to have to get used to now in this almost unlivable life without you.

We ended our night with happy kids, hugs, and an ice fight. I sat and watched as all of our kids, threw pebble ice at each other and laughed away. I looked up at the sky and could almost hear your giggles of laughter, as you would have so loved to have been in the middle of all of this. It is so wrong that you are not. I am so sorry. I love you to the moon and back, my spicy monkey. I hope you are safe. I have to say goodnight now. Too many tears tonight to continue on. Love you, Ro.

xoxo

I love my sisters. So very much.

Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast

I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland. A little lost, scared, curious, brave, hopeful, determined, a champion, a dreamer and strong. A little like the Mad Hatter too. Crazy, funny, smart, and zany. And the White Queen, confident, gracious, and sassy. I relate to so many of these characters in this movie. I feel like I am Alice, living a crazy dream, and I just can’t wake up. I haven’t cried in a few days, which is rare. I hope all of these drugs are not numbing me too much. I want to feel things… but I also don’t want to feel too much or else I won’t be able to function. These past few days I have been looking at Ronan and just feeling happy and extremely lucky to be able to spend so much time with him. His spirits have been great. He is so feisty and has been cracking me up. Last night, Liam and Quinn were in the shower and Ronan kept running in there and throwing things on them. I was trying to get him to stop but he of course was not listening. I did my pretend Woody call, which is sometimes what I do when Woody is not here, and sometimes it works and Ronan stops the naughty things he is doing. Last night when all that was happening, I yelled out, “Woooooody!” Ronan looked me dead in the eye and goes, “Woody’s not here.” I died laughing. Liam and Quinn were hysterical with laughter. It was so funny and smart of him. He has so much mischief and fire inside of him. It keeps me on my toes and I love every second of it. He is so strong and brave. He is my hero.

So, since we won’t be in the hospital for Thanksgiving, we will be spending it with our dear friends, The Kotaliks and Mimi and Papa. It is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever. We have so many things to be thankful for this year. Just to be able to be together as a family is a huge blessing. We will hopefully start his chemo on Monday. Woody is devastated that we have had a little set back but Ronan’s body needs to fully recover from the last round to start this next round. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and it will all work out. It just has to; we have come too far with all of this.

My mom and Jim will be coming out on the 1st of December for a visit. My mom is so nervous because of the way I flipped out on her the last time she was here. I keep reassuring her that I will be fine this time…. I’m on medication for crying out loud and I know that is helping. We are surprising the boys’ and not telling them that Papa Jim is coming too. They will be so thrilled. It will be nice to have both my mom and Jim here. I have a very special bond with my step-dad… I love him to pieces and feel so lucky that my mom married him when I was 13. He is the greatest man.

That’s all for tonight. Looking forward to a very peaceful weekend with some very special friends coming into town for a visit on Saturday. I am so excited about that. It has been much too long since I have seen this dear friend of mine. Planning on a fun Saturday night and taking her and a few other girls to Chelsea’s Kitchen for dinner. It is going to be a very special evening to say the least.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all tomorrow if I don’t get to check in. I am thankful, always, everyday for all of the blessings in my life. Love to you all, my friends.

xoxo