Can someone print that picture below for me, and put it on a tee-shirt. I think I would like to wear it, everyday, for the rest of my life.

Ronan. Day over. Almost. I was a good mama today. I got the boys up and ready. I said, “Do you two want to go to the zoo today?” They both did. I tried to let me feet do a happy dance but really my heart dropped to the floor. O.k. Zoo. Without Ronan. You can do this. And do this I did. I packed those little brothers of yours, up in the car and off we went. We saw Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! But no Ronan. I still looked for you, everywhere I went. We walked around the zoo for a good 3 hours. At the end of our adventure, we stopped to watch the spider monkeys. Quinn ran over to them, before I could get there. “MOM!” he yelled. “That monkey is eating the others monkeys butt!!!” OH.MY.GOD. I walked over, to inspect the situation. Sure enough, that was the case and Quinn could not stop laughing. Liam started gagging. Other people came over to see the monkeys. Everyone yelled out something in disgust. I told your brothers how you would have went crazy over the little monkeys disgusting grooming habits. You and Quinn would have had a field day with what was going on in front of us and lasted until I seriously started to get sick to my stomach and had to tear your brothers away from the spectacle. We drove home with Quinn still giggling. Liam was just confused and didn’t really think it was funny at all.
We got home, I fed your brothers lunch and offered to take them to the rec center to play basketball. As soon as we were about to go to the gym, Quinn looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t feel well.” The next thing I knew, he was puking in the bushes. I turned us around and took everyone back home where I laid Quinn down for a nap. I told him I had a sneaking suspicion it was the pound of Kettle Corn that he ate at the zoo. Sneaking suspicion was right as he is totally fine now. While Quinn was curled up in bed, I was trying to find the basketball game on T.V. for him. He was flipping through the channels. He stopped on MTV’s, “Teen Mom.” I told him to keep flipping the channels, that this was not the basketball game. “What’s Teen Mom?” he asked. UGH. Really, MTV? I might hate you and your Teen Mom show. “Ummm… it’s a show, about young mom’s who have babies.” “Why do teenagers, have kids, and then get a TV show about it?” he said. “Quinn, that is a really good question. Because society is stupid and likes to watch crap like this. Please change the channel.” He did. Thank god. Otherwise the remote control was going to get thrown through the T.V. I don’t watch T.V. EVER anymore. That Teen Mom show, makes me hostile. It is everything that is wrong with our stupid society and the way it glorifies all the things that do not deserve to be glorified in this world. Being 15, having a kid and then becoming “famous,” for it, is RIDICULOUS! It makes me angry and is one of the biggest reasons I just cannot watch TV anymore. Too much stupid shit being put out there, that our society seems to be obsessed with. I turn on the T.V. rarely anymore. I don’t watch the news, therefore, I have no idea what is going on in the world. The noise makes me anxious. The stories make me mad and my skin crawl. T.V. quite simply is of no comfort to me, whatsoever. I miss the days when I used to be able to get lost in the world of Jeff Lewis from “Flipping Out.” I miss Jenny and Zoila. I miss my friends from “Law and Order.” But most of all, I miss the days of snuggling up with you to watch “Mickey Mouse Playhouse,” “Clone Wars,” or “Glee.” Maybe that’s why I hate T.V. so much now. Because that was our special cuddle time together and now it’s feels so awful to be without you, that I cannot seem to do anything that we used to enjoy. That does not explain my hatred for MTV’s Teen Mom though. Seriously, MTV. Get your shit together. You are embarrassing.

I did not run today. I did not surf today. I spent the day, trying to get lost in your brothers. I don’t know how many times I heard them tell me, “Thank you. Please. Yes, mom. O.k. mom. No thank you, Mom. Thank you for cooking for me, Mom. Thank you for taking us to the zoo, Mom. Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick, Mom. Thank you for the ice cream, Mom.” As much as I love this, what I wouldn’t give to have you here, yelling at me, “NO!!! I am NOT eating that broccoli!” while throwing it across the room. What I wouldn’t give to have you here to push every single button in the elevator, before we got out. What I wouldn’t give to have you here, to do all the naughty things, that you loved to do. I miss your spiciness. I feel lost, without it. I had some random people come up to me the other night, out at the pool. They had been in the hot tub with Liam and Quinn. They must have been around 40. They came up to me after they saw Liam and Quinn, come over to get bundled up in a towel. They looked at me for a minute. The man said, “Are you the mom of the twins?” For a second I thought to myself, “Ohhh, crap. What did they do?” But then I remembered, nothing, because they aren’t boys like that. “Yes, I am.” I replied. “Wow. Your twins are awesome. We just had to come over and tell you how we sat in the hot tub with them, for 25 minutes and we have never heard 8 year olds, talk as eloquently as yours. You should be really proud of them. They are exceptional little human beings.” I just smiled. “Thank you. That means a lot to hear. Today is their 9th birthday. I am really lucky, they are great boys.” The lady looked at me and said, “We are here on vacation, away from our kids. Your boys, really made us miss ours.” It took everything I had to say, “They had a really great brother, too. But he died of cancer. So they have been through a lot, which might explain why they seem a little different than kids their age.” I wanted to say this, but I didn’t want to ruin their night. Plus, I knew if I did, I would not have been able to get my words out, without choking on my tears. I just let the moment happen and the moment pass, while pretending that my heart wasn’t breaking on the inside. I know they would have told me how amazing you were too, if you had been there with Liam and Quinn, like you should have been.

Alright little man. This is all I’ve got, for tonight. I’m sorry you couldn’t go to the zoo with us today. You would have been the wildest animal, there. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


8 responses to “Can someone print that picture below for me, and put it on a tee-shirt. I think I would like to wear it, everyday, for the rest of my life.”

  1. As a parent it’s great when you other parents compliment their good behavior vs uh oh what did they do! 🙂 be proud of Liam & Quinn. Ro!!! Always Rockstar Ro!!!

  2. Ronan was totally in charge of the spider monkeys today. I am just sure of it! Good one, Ro! Sorry you didn’t get to chase him around as you totally should have been doing, but I am smiling over him making his presence known! 🙂 You already know it, but you have such amazing, beautiful, kind, precious boys. Bless those people who were able to see 2 of them and share such sweet words with you, you are absolutely right. They would have loved Ro. I know I do and I never had the chance to meet him.

    Would not the world be a better place if we listened to our children who are so much wiser than the adults in charge. Why do we put such ridiculous shows on TV? Why do people watch them? My Andrew asked not too long ago why they made cigarettes after learning that they cause cancer, heart disease, and other horrible things. I had no good answer for this innocent sweet kindergartener. I think of all the terrible things in our environment now and I just know the increase in cancers must be related to all of the processed and unnatural foods/products we put in, on or near our bodies. This really infuriates me as I look at a beautiful souls like Ronan being lost–and I really in my heart believe our government must know why Cancer is increasing–why it is everywhere. That also goes for Autism and life threatening food allergies. Besides putting money into research to fight Neuroblastoma and pediatric cancers, they must figure out what we are doing–eating, breathing, touching, who the fuck knows. We are all rolling the dice with all of our beautiful babies and I just really bet that they know way more than what they are letting us in on. I hate cancer and I am so so so sorry that Ronan is not cuddled up with you watcing some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. So very messed up, Maya.

  3. Even when all I want to do is cry for you, you come out with things like monkeys eating other monkey’s butts and I laugh. It’s not hard to see where Ro got his spiciness from.

  4. Cara Lindemann Avatar
    Cara Lindemann

    I read your posts Maya, I cry, I giggle, I get pissed….but always when you describe Ro, he reminds me sooo much like my daughter Kambree & it always makes me feel guilty. My older girls were/are easy, rule followers…& Kam came & has rocked my world. I feel guilty sharing this, because you are with out Ro, but I just want you to know you really help me & make me realize I need to lighten up & enjoy HER. Her naughty ways. Yes, she has thrown her plate across the room, she has called the people inside the elevator~of COURSE more than once, she loved the word Fuck at age one & loved to say it to the grocery checker (just to see her reaction) she is amazing but so ‘spicy’ that sometimes it is just draining…. But really, that is not draining. Being with out her would be draining. I am sorry. I ache for you. I had to share this because I have thought this & related this way to so many of your posts, I just had too. Thank you for reminding me again. ❤ Thank you for making me feel like it is okay to have a Spicy Little Monkey. You are awesome Maya & are making a huge impact everywhere! Thank you.

  5. Hugs..I am so sorry.

  6. You’re a good mom Maya! I’m so glad you have your twins and they have you. I HATE teen mom, too! I’ve always thought the same thing about putting a show like that on! Anyway, hope today is good for you all, thinking of you and keeping you guys in my prayers, xoxo

  7. u CAN be proud of what you DO have at this momment. as u ache-ingly know things can change in an instant. Keep moving forward. Everything does not have to have a “sad rock” tied around its’ neck (metaphorically speaking) Each special moment doesn’t have to have an addendum of saddness. U r doing it! Your boys have had to learn too much too soon. Live in each moment for all it is worth. Let no moment pass u by- for we will never get this moment again
    Hugs and loving thoughts are with you all

  8. You should be so proud of yourself for what a good Mama you are. To your twins who so clearly just love and adore you and of course also to Ronan. You are still Ronan’s mama even though he is not here. You are the kind of Mama that I want to be someday. I’m so sorry he is not here, it’s awful and unfair and effed up that shows like teen mom exist in the same world. Sending you thoughts of calm today.

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