ROCKSTAR RONAN

Ronan. Day over. Almost. I was a good mama today. I got the boys up and ready. I said, “Do you two want to go to the zoo today?” They both did. I tried to let me feet do a happy dance but really my heart dropped to the floor. O.k. Zoo. Without Ronan. You can do this. And do this I did. I packed those little brothers of yours, up in the car and off we went. We saw Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my! But no Ronan. I still looked for you, everywhere I went. We walked around the zoo for a good 3 hours. At the end of our adventure, we stopped to watch the spider monkeys. Quinn ran over to them, before I could get there. “MOM!” he yelled. “That monkey is eating the others monkeys butt!!!” OH.MY.GOD. I walked over, to inspect the situation. Sure enough, that was the case and Quinn could not stop laughing. Liam started gagging. Other people came over to see the monkeys. Everyone yelled out something in disgust. I told your brothers how you would have went crazy over the little monkeys disgusting grooming habits. You and Quinn would have had a field day with what was going on in front of us and lasted until I seriously started to get sick to my stomach and had to tear your brothers away from the spectacle. We drove home with Quinn still giggling. Liam was just confused and didn’t really think it was funny at all.
We got home, I fed your brothers lunch and offered to take them to the rec center to play basketball. As soon as we were about to go to the gym, Quinn looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t feel well.” The next thing I knew, he was puking in the bushes. I turned us around and took everyone back home where I laid Quinn down for a nap. I told him I had a sneaking suspicion it was the pound of Kettle Corn that he ate at the zoo. Sneaking suspicion was right as he is totally fine now. While Quinn was curled up in bed, I was trying to find the basketball game on T.V. for him. He was flipping through the channels. He stopped on MTV’s, “Teen Mom.” I told him to keep flipping the channels, that this was not the basketball game. “What’s Teen Mom?” he asked. UGH. Really, MTV? I might hate you and your Teen Mom show. “Ummm… it’s a show, about young mom’s who have babies.” “Why do teenagers, have kids, and then get a TV show about it?” he said. “Quinn, that is a really good question. Because society is stupid and likes to watch crap like this. Please change the channel.” He did. Thank god. Otherwise the remote control was going to get thrown through the T.V. I don’t watch T.V. EVER anymore. That Teen Mom show, makes me hostile. It is everything that is wrong with our stupid society and the way it glorifies all the things that do not deserve to be glorified in this world. Being 15, having a kid and then becoming “famous,” for it, is RIDICULOUS! It makes me angry and is one of the biggest reasons I just cannot watch TV anymore. Too much stupid shit being put out there, that our society seems to be obsessed with. I turn on the T.V. rarely anymore. I don’t watch the news, therefore, I have no idea what is going on in the world. The noise makes me anxious. The stories make me mad and my skin crawl. T.V. quite simply is of no comfort to me, whatsoever. I miss the days when I used to be able to get lost in the world of Jeff Lewis from “Flipping Out.” I miss Jenny and Zoila. I miss my friends from “Law and Order.” But most of all, I miss the days of snuggling up with you to watch “Mickey Mouse Playhouse,” “Clone Wars,” or “Glee.” Maybe that’s why I hate T.V. so much now. Because that was our special cuddle time together and now it’s feels so awful to be without you, that I cannot seem to do anything that we used to enjoy. That does not explain my hatred for MTV’s Teen Mom though. Seriously, MTV. Get your shit together. You are embarrassing.

I did not run today. I did not surf today. I spent the day, trying to get lost in your brothers. I don’t know how many times I heard them tell me, “Thank you. Please. Yes, mom. O.k. mom. No thank you, Mom. Thank you for cooking for me, Mom. Thank you for taking us to the zoo, Mom. Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick, Mom. Thank you for the ice cream, Mom.” As much as I love this, what I wouldn’t give to have you here, yelling at me, “NO!!! I am NOT eating that broccoli!” while throwing it across the room. What I wouldn’t give to have you here to push every single button in the elevator, before we got out. What I wouldn’t give to have you here, to do all the naughty things, that you loved to do. I miss your spiciness. I feel lost, without it. I had some random people come up to me the other night, out at the pool. They had been in the hot tub with Liam and Quinn. They must have been around 40. They came up to me after they saw Liam and Quinn, come over to get bundled up in a towel. They looked at me for a minute. The man said, “Are you the mom of the twins?” For a second I thought to myself, “Ohhh, crap. What did they do?” But then I remembered, nothing, because they aren’t boys like that. “Yes, I am.” I replied. “Wow. Your twins are awesome. We just had to come over and tell you how we sat in the hot tub with them, for 25 minutes and we have never heard 8 year olds, talk as eloquently as yours. You should be really proud of them. They are exceptional little human beings.” I just smiled. “Thank you. That means a lot to hear. Today is their 9th birthday. I am really lucky, they are great boys.” The lady looked at me and said, “We are here on vacation, away from our kids. Your boys, really made us miss ours.” It took everything I had to say, “They had a really great brother, too. But he died of cancer. So they have been through a lot, which might explain why they seem a little different than kids their age.” I wanted to say this, but I didn’t want to ruin their night. Plus, I knew if I did, I would not have been able to get my words out, without choking on my tears. I just let the moment happen and the moment pass, while pretending that my heart wasn’t breaking on the inside. I know they would have told me how amazing you were too, if you had been there with Liam and Quinn, like you should have been.

Alright little man. This is all I’ve got, for tonight. I’m sorry you couldn’t go to the zoo with us today. You would have been the wildest animal, there. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo