Of course your Nana didn’t leave your name off of the treehouse.

Ronan. I have to live the rest of my life without the touch of your little hand, without hearing your sweet giggles, without getting lost in your piercing blue eyes. Somedays this makes me extremely sad. Somedays this makes me super bitter. Today, I found myself not crying, but looking at all the people around me and going why do you get to live and he doesn’t? He would have been such a good person. He would have made this world so much more beautiful. Who lives and who dies and who decides??? And why??? I’ll never have the answers to these questions. These thoughts fill my head at the most random moments. Today it was while walking through the local Walmart to pick up some water. I was thinking these thoughts then I get the other little voice in my head that says, “You are a bad person for thinking that your son deserved to live, yet this jack off who is yelling at his 8 kids, should die.” I quickly tell that little voice to fuck off, because I am just being honest and any mother would feel this way. If I can’t be honest in my head, than I can’t be honest anywhere. Thoughts like this leave me feeling restless and I often feel trapped in my own head or like a hamster that is running around on that freaking spinning wheel, going nowhere and never knowing when to stop. Love that never-ending cycle of grief/shame/resentment/guilt/sadness that I cannot seem to escape.

Today, I tried to get lost in the world of your brothers. I think I faked it really well. I played baseball with them for a few hours today. I pretended not to be looking for you everywhere, waiting to see you up next to bat. I took them to lunch. We went to see the new, “Ice Age,” move which you know destroyed me. That was one of your favorites. You loved that Scrat character so much. After the movie, we came home and played more baseball. I headed out to meet our Bri Bri for a quick run around the lake. It felt good to get out there and run. I haven’t been running much in AZ due to not being motivated to do so in the brutal heat. I’d rather hike instead. I’ve been saving my running for this Washington trip. It’s one of my favorite places to run from everything in my head that I cannot seem to escape. I didn’t escape anything today, but I got to spend a little time with my sissy which is always a treat. I miss her. I know you do, too.

I heard another story today about a maybe cancer faker in this very real and sad cancer world that I know all too well. I cannot even get upset about it tonight because anybody that would do such a thing… well, they are trapped in a hell of their own that I cannot even fathom. My normal self would be swearing up and down in my head, my blood would be boiling… but I don’t even have words tonight for somebody that would do such a thing. I am in a peaceful place and for once, I refuse to give into to the evil of the world around me and let it ruin the quietness that I am feeling tonight. Tonight, I don’t feel spicy or angry or like swearing like a truck driver. I am calm, tired, and listening to your brothers sleeping soundly is giving me comfort that I need to listen to for once.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I left my Ambien back in Phoenix. I don’t miss it. I slept well last night as I always seems to do here. The fresh air is good for me. I had a moment of panic yesterday when I went down to your treehouse with your brothers. Someone (I think your Nana) had painted little individual signs with all of your names on them to attach to the front of the treehouse wall. The door to the tree house was open as I was examining the names that hung above. My stomach dropped and I yelled to your brothers, “Why isn’t Ronan’s name up there?!” I almost started to cry. Liam yelled down to me, “It is mom. It’s on the front of the door, see.” There it was. In purple of course. I felt bad. Of course your Nana would not leave your name off of the tree house. Of course your Nana would not, not include you, just because you are not here. This is the same Nana, that had presents wrapped and underneath the Christmas Tree for you this year. She would NEVER leave you out just because you are not here. I cannot believe even for a second, that I thought she would. She includes you in everything that she does, every single day. She would never sweep you under the rug and pretend that you didn’t exist. She would never take you out of the equation. All she has to do is look at me and I know she is thinking about you. It’s painful to see but I am so thankful to know.

I have a lot more to tell you tonight all of a sudden. But I am too tired to continue on. It’s late little bug. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. They both refuse to sleep in their room here and are tucked away in bed, with me. I don’t mind; I only wish you were crammed in between us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.


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8 responses to “Of course your Nana didn’t leave your name off of the treehouse.”

  1. Sleep well without the Devil Ambien, Maya xo

  2. Welcome back to the Pacific NW. I keep hoping I will run into you at Walmart or something but then I think 1) you’ll think I’m a stalker 2) it must be weird to have strangers come up to you who know these personal details of your life and you know nothing about us and 3) you’re not looking for “celebrity” status and it sucks that you have to write this blog because if you didn’t have the blog, then your Ronan would be here….probably trying to jump out of the treehouse. Glad you are finding a moment of peace, even if having to fake some of it. I hope you can find a moment of comfort by a hug from your momma. Hugs.

  3. a mummy too xo Avatar
    a mummy too xo

    Hi Maya,
    Just wanted to contact you, as i have just started reading blog.. Im so sorry about Ronan, he is so adorable, i lost my almost 5 year old son to this horrible disease almost 18 months ago :(. Its just not right, It’s unforgiveable what our babies went through! Even though each day is a struggle and my grief is very lonely at times, your blog helps me, because you TOTALLY get it, and it helps to know someone feels the same way. Just wanted to share that with you.
    Love & Strength always

  4. I wish Ronan’s sweet self was popping out of that tree house, I’m sorry Maya. 😦 His little face just melts my heart every time I see it in a picture, seriously cutest little boy.

  5. It looks beautiful there, so green! Sometimes I think that same thing, like ” why is so and so here and Ronan is not”?? I think that’s normal to do and to question “why”?? Anyway, I’m glad you felt some peacefulness last night! I hope you guys have a good time there! Much live to you as always! Xoxo

    1. Love 🙂 stupid auto correct

  6. Enjoy the time with your mom and sissy.
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!
    Always RoLove!!! ❤

  7. Lots of love sent your way! Enjoy being with you parents. Love the tree house…nana would never forget.

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