If I had any Ambien, it would be an Ambien overdose night.

Ronan. Today was a mind fuck of a day. I should have known it was coming. Your brothers wanted to go fishing on Papa’s boat. They went just a few nights ago and begged me to go with them. I told them I couldn’t. Even your Nana kept saying over and over again, why don’t you just go. I quietly just said that I wanted them to go and spent this time with your Papa, to have their own little adventure. That was partly true, but it was partly not. Why didn’t I go? Because the last time we were on that boat, was with you. I remember that day, so clearly. You were not sick. You were perfect, healthy, and so happy. But you were sick. You had Stage IV fucking cancer filled through out your entire body. How could that be and how did we not know? 2 and a half weeks after you being on Papa’s boat, we were told you had cancer. I can’t get on that boat again, I’m not ready. I didn’t have a choice today. Your brothers were begging to go. I did my usual pep talk. “Come on, Maya. You can do this. You are their mom. Suck it up and go fishing with them.” I felt physically ill. Deep breath. Step on the boat. A fishing you will go. Holy fuck. We were out there for about 5 hours. I felt like I was frozen in time. No. This is so wrong, without Ronan here. And your brothers were off their fucking rockers today with their fighting. I did my best to keep things calm, but it just went on and on and on. At one point, I pretty much just gave up. I was so exhausted and mentally just beat down from trying to hold it together for them for the day. I was ready to jump off of the fucking boat and swim to shore. The arguing. The water fight. The hitting. It was all I could do not throw them both off of the boat. I didn’t lose my temper. I disciplined them the best I could, being out on the boat stuck in the middle of nowhere. I was so happy when our day of fishing was over and we were driving back home. That boat felt horrific without you.

We came home. It’s been 2 days since I’ve eaten. I was hungry. I was tired. I came upstairs and crawled into bed as I suddenly was too sad to have an appetite. I just sat and sobbed instead for a while. Quinn came upstairs of course to see what I was doing. He saw that I was crying. He asked what was wrong. I just told him I missed you. He asked if I needed anything. I told him no. He got up and went outside. I got up and went downstairs to try to put something in my stomach. I was sitting in the living room, just about eat and your brothers came in yelling and screaming that one of them, had just broken the other one’s bike by getting into a bike war. WTF? I had enough. That was the straw that broke the camels back. The situation was explained to me and the disciplining came next. Word to the wise. I don’t do well with A)the destruction of other people’s things B)Having something nice, but not respecting it C)the taking for granted of things that you have. Doom Day had arrived and it arrived in the form of disciplining those brothers of yours like they have never been disciplined before. It was about a 2 hour ordeal. It started with the both of them crying, the explaining of what they did, the why, the reasoning behind it, the apologizing to your Nana and Papa, to each other, and to me. It ended with the 3 of us in a circle. I took in a deep breath. “Do you understand, why you got into so much trouble tonight? I want to hear your explanation of it.” They both gave a very detailed explanation. “I cannot have this. Do you understand how hard it was for me to get on that boat today? How all I wanted to do was have a nice day with you and all I did was break up your arguing and fighting the entire day. I am so sad. I am so sad all the time. I didn’t want to be sad today. I was trying so hard just to have a good day with you. But then all the fighting. It makes me so sad. You are brothers. I cannot have you treating each other this way.” They said they knew. That they were sorry. That they knew what they had done (destroying the others bike) was wrong. “You boys are going to make mistakes in your life. Lots of them. I understand that. I am o.k. with that as long as you learn from your mistakes. You are learning a lesson now. And the ONLY reason, I am not putting you both back on a plane to Arizona right now, is because you told the truth about what happened. You owned up to it, you apologized, and you promised to learn from it. If you would have lied about any of this, we would be leaving tomorrow.”

I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I broke. I started sobbing. “Why don’t you ever talk about him? I know you miss him. I know you love him. You never talk about Ronan and it kills me. I miss him so much. I know you do too. He is a part of our family. He will always be a part of our family. I am so scared, that you are going to forget him. Please, please start talking to me about him. I know you are so confused and have so many questions. I am your mom. I love you so much. You can talk to me about anything. I don’t want you to be scared, to talk about Ronan. We need to talk about Ronan. Please!” Now all 3 of us were crying. “I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I miss him so much. I am so sorry this happened to us.” I grabbed them both and held on to them tightly for a bit. Liam got up. I grabbed him. “You. I am so worried about you. I watch you, Liam and the way you hold everything in. You are kind of like me in that way. You can’t hold it in. I know you have all of these feelings in there. I am your mom. I am here for you, for whatever you need to talk about. I love you so much. Please know that you can come to me, with anything.” He wiped away his tears and said o.k., gave me a hug and went downstairs. Quinn stayed upstairs and he soon fell asleep with me whispering in his ear, clinging on to your GiGi. He is all wrapped up in it now.

If I had any Ambien it would be an Ambien overdose night for sure. Kidding. Kind of. That’s my way of being dramatic. But about 6 months ago, I’ll bet you it would have been. I don’t do well with hard days like this as all they make me want to do, is check out forever. But forever doesn’t help kick cancer’s ass or raise your brothers so I know I need to be done with that little plan of destruction. I am. But I hate days like today. They are too hard, without you.

This is all for tonight, little one. I miss you too much to write anymore. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am so very sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy.


14 responses to “If I had any Ambien, it would be an Ambien overdose night.”

  1. I’m sorry mama… I had a “shitty” day today… My attitude was in bitch mode and I was constantly thinking about you and how my perspective on days like this have changed because of you. Reading this post makes me feel like an royal asshole for my bitchiness. I don’t know if maybe the air was full of shit today…since it was such a day for you. I’m sorry… I’m sorry that you had this day…shitty as fuck. I’m also sorry for whining and bitching about the things I have been today.

  2. Oh, Maya love! Reading this, your reality, just tore my heart to shreds, and brought tears to my eyes and made them fall. I am so so so so sorry. I wish I could reach through the computer and grab you and hold you tight. You and Ronan made me a better person, and you are going to change things in his name. I know it is cold comfort, but this is what I believe: I believe you are Ronan’s heaven, that he’s still with you and his daddy and Liam and Quinn. I believe he is right where he belongs, and I believe he’s trying his best to make this okay for you. But I know it will never be okay. You’re right. He should still be here, running around, causing the kind of Ronan trouble you loved so much. It sucks so bad that he is not. I wish I had some magic words to say to you, magic words that will bring Ronan back and heal your heart and soul, but sadly, I don’t. But please, please, please know you are not alone in this, that there are people waiting to take care of you. I know it’s hard to let them, but please try, for Ronan. I’ll keep fighting the good fight on my end… Love you… XOXO

  3. Oh Maya, I seriously don’t know how you do it. You are a wonderful mother. I love the pic of Ronan there. He is beautiful. I thought of you yesterday while at the grocery store. I saw a mother pushing her beautiful daughter in a wheel chair. She obviously was going through chemo. She had but only a few strands of hair left and a tube coming out of her nose, but she was beautiful. I wanted to run over to her and give her a big hug, but I didn’t. I thought I would have broken down and cried, and I didn’t want to do that. I just smiled at her and her mother. I beat myself up all night for not saying anything to her or her mother, but what do you say? I hated seeing that…I cried to myself. I hate cancer. I hate that you have to be sad all of the time. I’m sorry Maya.

  4. Beautiful picture of your Dad and Ronan……. A smile to remember and a memory forever.

  5. Maya you are such an amazing mom. I mean that…you are raising your boys to be such appreciative, grateful, heartfelt young men. You are so real with them…what a blessing! For all those days that you feel like you’re just not cutting it, please rest assured that you are (and then some)!! big hugs to you ❤

  6. A beautiful pictures of Rockstar Ro!
    Quinn and Liam will come talk to you someday. It must be so hard for them. They see you so sad and they probably don’t want to add to your sadness by talking about Ronan 😦
    Thinking of you and Ro! always RoLove! xo

  7. Sad post Maya, gosh, I’m so sorry. 😦 Today, I’m feeling annoyed with my boys, wishing for school to begin, then I read your blog and am reminded once again to be thankful, count each day as a blessing. That picture, priceless!! Love him! Hoping today is a better one for you! Much love as always! Prayers for you! xoxoxo

  8. and goddamnfuckingcancer!!!!!! FUC!!

  9. (((Maya))). While I am not offended by the word fuck–it does not roll off of my tongue normally, but I must have repeated it about a hundred times as a read this post. And then to see that amazingly beautiful photo of Ro with his Papa, my heart breaks over and over again for you ALL–which I know is no consolation or help. I am so very sorry though, I will always be sorry for Ro’s death for his absence from this Earth, for the unending pain that you, Liam, Quinn, Woody, Nana, Papa, the list goes on and on and on, for all of you suffering without him.

    I am also sorry your boys had such a hard day getting along, and especially on a day when you *needed* them to be wonderful to each other and you on this miserable adventure you wanted to part of (and how fucked up, as they usually are just that). My 3 have days like that as well and they are all alive–I can’t imagine the pain that your boys carry with them and I can only guess that they are working through that pain through their behavior. Thank goodness they have the best mama possible to help them learn from each and every mistake they make…that will take the time to discipline them so that they grow up to be the best Liam and Quinn they can be. Keep inspiring us out here, though I sure wish you were not doing so. I sooo wish I had no idea who you were, because you and your family of 5 was tucked safely away living your beautiful life.

  10. Thank you for being so real and sooo very honest Maya. Your probably going to think I’m crazy, but I loved hearing about Liam & Quinn fighting. I have two daughters that are 3 & 4 years old, but only 14 months apart, and they fight like cats ALL DAY LONG! It’s refreshing to hear my kids aren’t the only one’s that fight, hit, kick, etc…. Always thinking of you and Ronan! Hope tomorrow is better!! xoxo

  11. Colleen Fisher Avatar
    Colleen Fisher

    A picture really does speak 1,000 words. Sweet, sweet Ro. ❤

  12. I love those shining blue eyes & smile!
    I heard your Ronan song by Taylor Swift tonight & had to look up your blog…and have been reading for hours. My Boaz had stage IV neuroblastoma also.. and this year he would’ve started kindergarten.. but he didn’t.

  13. Love your blog and think you’re awesome, but for a kick ass, fiercely-honestly woman, I offer you some tough love advice: You need to let your sons grieve in their own way. Not talking about Ronan does not equal forgetting, and they need to know that despite your family’s shared heartbreak, that they can behave like the young boys they are — they can fight, and argue, and break things, and it won’t turn into something about you or your beautiful Ronan. They have to know you are THEIR mom – it didn’t end with Ronan’s death. I’ve been really your blog almost nonstop for days, and you are such a wonderful, loving, devoted mom who wants her boys to grow up as well-adjusted as possible – and in my humble opinion, the opinion of a mom who lost her beautiful twin daughters to a drunk driver, but was left with two sons, you need to let them be young. You even need to let them forget it sometimes, because that is how they will heal.

    Please don’t read this as a criticism, or a, how dare she. You put yourself out there in such an amazing way, and I think part of the benefit of that is being open to feedback on your choices and behavior.

    Keep being amazing, doing beautiful things, and surviving.

  14. Look at that sweet face. I can’t get Ronan out of my head.

    Have as good a day as possible. So many people out here are pulling for you.

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