If I had any Ambien, it would be an Ambien overdose night.

Ronan. Today was a mind fuck of a day. I should have known it was coming. Your brothers wanted to go fishing on Papa’s boat. They went just a few nights ago and begged me to go with them. I told them I couldn’t. Even your Nana kept saying over and over again, why don’t you just go. I quietly just said that I wanted them to go and spent this time with your Papa, to have their own little adventure. That was partly true, but it was partly not. Why didn’t I go? Because the last time we were on that boat, was with you. I remember that day, so clearly. You were not sick. You were perfect, healthy, and so happy. But you were sick. You had Stage IV fucking cancer filled through out your entire body. How could that be and how did we not know? 2 and a half weeks after you being on Papa’s boat, we were told you had cancer. I can’t get on that boat again, I’m not ready. I didn’t have a choice today. Your brothers were begging to go. I did my usual pep talk. “Come on, Maya. You can do this. You are their mom. Suck it up and go fishing with them.” I felt physically ill. Deep breath. Step on the boat. A fishing you will go. Holy fuck. We were out there for about 5 hours. I felt like I was frozen in time. No. This is so wrong, without Ronan here. And your brothers were off their fucking rockers today with their fighting. I did my best to keep things calm, but it just went on and on and on. At one point, I pretty much just gave up. I was so exhausted and mentally just beat down from trying to hold it together for them for the day. I was ready to jump off of the fucking boat and swim to shore. The arguing. The water fight. The hitting. It was all I could do not throw them both off of the boat. I didn’t lose my temper. I disciplined them the best I could, being out on the boat stuck in the middle of nowhere. I was so happy when our day of fishing was over and we were driving back home. That boat felt horrific without you.

We came home. It’s been 2 days since I’ve eaten. I was hungry. I was tired. I came upstairs and crawled into bed as I suddenly was too sad to have an appetite. I just sat and sobbed instead for a while. Quinn came upstairs of course to see what I was doing. He saw that I was crying. He asked what was wrong. I just told him I missed you. He asked if I needed anything. I told him no. He got up and went outside. I got up and went downstairs to try to put something in my stomach. I was sitting in the living room, just about eat and your brothers came in yelling and screaming that one of them, had just broken the other one’s bike by getting into a bike war. WTF? I had enough. That was the straw that broke the camels back. The situation was explained to me and the disciplining came next. Word to the wise. I don’t do well with A)the destruction of other people’s things B)Having something nice, but not respecting it C)the taking for granted of things that you have. Doom Day had arrived and it arrived in the form of disciplining those brothers of yours like they have never been disciplined before. It was about a 2 hour ordeal. It started with the both of them crying, the explaining of what they did, the why, the reasoning behind it, the apologizing to your Nana and Papa, to each other, and to me. It ended with the 3 of us in a circle. I took in a deep breath. “Do you understand, why you got into so much trouble tonight? I want to hear your explanation of it.” They both gave a very detailed explanation. “I cannot have this. Do you understand how hard it was for me to get on that boat today? How all I wanted to do was have a nice day with you and all I did was break up your arguing and fighting the entire day. I am so sad. I am so sad all the time. I didn’t want to be sad today. I was trying so hard just to have a good day with you. But then all the fighting. It makes me so sad. You are brothers. I cannot have you treating each other this way.” They said they knew. That they were sorry. That they knew what they had done (destroying the others bike) was wrong. “You boys are going to make mistakes in your life. Lots of them. I understand that. I am o.k. with that as long as you learn from your mistakes. You are learning a lesson now. And the ONLY reason, I am not putting you both back on a plane to Arizona right now, is because you told the truth about what happened. You owned up to it, you apologized, and you promised to learn from it. If you would have lied about any of this, we would be leaving tomorrow.”

I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I broke. I started sobbing. “Why don’t you ever talk about him? I know you miss him. I know you love him. You never talk about Ronan and it kills me. I miss him so much. I know you do too. He is a part of our family. He will always be a part of our family. I am so scared, that you are going to forget him. Please, please start talking to me about him. I know you are so confused and have so many questions. I am your mom. I love you so much. You can talk to me about anything. I don’t want you to be scared, to talk about Ronan. We need to talk about Ronan. Please!” Now all 3 of us were crying. “I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I miss him so much. I am so sorry this happened to us.” I grabbed them both and held on to them tightly for a bit. Liam got up. I grabbed him. “You. I am so worried about you. I watch you, Liam and the way you hold everything in. You are kind of like me in that way. You can’t hold it in. I know you have all of these feelings in there. I am your mom. I am here for you, for whatever you need to talk about. I love you so much. Please know that you can come to me, with anything.” He wiped away his tears and said o.k., gave me a hug and went downstairs. Quinn stayed upstairs and he soon fell asleep with me whispering in his ear, clinging on to your GiGi. He is all wrapped up in it now.

If I had any Ambien it would be an Ambien overdose night for sure. Kidding. Kind of. That’s my way of being dramatic. But about 6 months ago, I’ll bet you it would have been. I don’t do well with hard days like this as all they make me want to do, is check out forever. But forever doesn’t help kick cancer’s ass or raise your brothers so I know I need to be done with that little plan of destruction. I am. But I hate days like today. They are too hard, without you.

This is all for tonight, little one. I miss you too much to write anymore. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am so very sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

Nature is my church and you are my teacher


Ronan. Hi babydoll. We are still at your Nana’s house. It feels like we’ve been here, forever. I don’t miss home. I do miss your daddy. He can’t come out this trip, which is killing us both, but we are both doing our best. All that time he took off during May/June has left him with a ton to catch up on. I hate knowing that he is at home at night, in our empty house with just your urn, to keep him company. It is so wrong, on so many levels. I’m doing my best to play the role of both parents here. Your Papa Jim and Nana have been a big help. Your brothers have been really good. We have been doing so much…kind of going non-stop. Last night, your Papa Jim wanted to take your brothers out on his boat, night fishing. “What do you mean, they’ll be gone until midnight? No way! I already have one dead child, I don’t need anymore!” I said to your Nana with a look of terror on my face. “They aren’t going.” But then your brothers, begged. And begged some more. Normally, I would not give into the begging. I thought it through. Night fishing with Papa Jim. Who knows when this will happen again. New memories for them. An adventure. Something they will treasure for the rest of their lives. “You can go if you both promise me this. No fighting on the boat. I want text message updates every hour. Under NO circumstance does your life jacket come off. EVER. You follow the rules and listen to everything your Papa says. Pinky promise me.” We hooked pinkies. “Thanks, mom!” They were so excited. I got text messages, every hour on the hour. The cutest little text messages. Your brothers are so sweet, it kills me that they have to go through any of this. I am trying my best for them, Ronan. And for you. I think I am doing an alright job. I feel like I am doing much better for them, then I was doing last year at this time. Everyday is still as struggle, but it is easier for me to be more present and engaged with them, then it used to be. I decided awhile ago that for as much pain as I am in, I cannot ruin their lives, even more by bailing out. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve any of this, but what happened to you was not in my control. What happens to them, due the the way I react to the loss of you, is in my control due to the decisions I make. I am trying to be a good mom to them still, Ronan. I am trying so very hard. I think somedays, I get it right. I hope they will forgive me for the days that I just can’t seem to pull my shit together. They don’t happen very often. But I hate that they have had to see them at all. 

Your brothers and Papa got home around midnight. They caught a huge Salmon. I am so glad they did. That made their adventure, even better. We all 3 slept in again and I woke up to hearing the giggles and laughs coming from outside. I went out to see what was going on. Ahhhhh… the cleaning of the salmon had begun. Liam was gagging and would not get near it. Quinn was gloved like a freaking serial killer and was cutting away with a huge knife, helping your Papa, clean the thing. I got there just in time to snap away so great pictures. It was a beauty of a fish. Quinn then proceeded to take the head of the fish and inform me that he was a doctor, performing surgery. I watched him as he cut away and dissected the entire head of the fish down to the eyeballs. This might make some mom’s squeamish. Not your mama. I was right in there with him, helping him with all the guts and blood. Sometimes he is so much like me, that it is eerie. I’ve never been one to be squeamish over guts and blood. But it does take me back to you, of course. All of the bloody noses that we had to deal with. I will never forget those, Ronan. They haunt me at all times of the day. I’m so sorry baby. For all you went through and even after everything, nothing could save you. How could that even be? I’ll never ever understand, Ronan. I would have done anything to save you. I would have taken you anywhere. I look back and regret so much. Even though your daddy still swears we did all we could do. That will never be good enough for me.

After the cleaning/operation on Mr. Fish, we went to Oregon to hike Multnomah Falls. These two states, often leave me breathless Ronan. There is never ending beauty, everywhere. I miss it here, so very much. I have for a really long time. We had the best day with your Papa. It was day full of simple surprises. The deer that we saw on our hike, that was just sitting there, eating the leaves not even 3 feet from us. I saw it and immediately thought of you. “Oh, a gift from Ronan.” I think every beautiful thing I see, feel, or hear in my life is a gift from you. It was so perfect, calm and sweet. The deer wasn’t scared of us, it just nibbled on it’s food, while staring into my eyes. It jumped away after somebody came by with a dog. I could have sat and started at it, forever. It was almost the most perfect day. But you should have been there, too. I kept looking for you everywhere and imagining what you would have been doing. I do that with everything we do, without you. I know you would have been right in there with Quinny, dissecting the fish. I know you would have been right there with Liam, throwing rocks into the waterfall. I know you would have made me carry you, halfway up our hike. I know you would have been eating that ice cream cone, with your Papa and giggling with him in the car. I know these things, even without you here to do them. I live my life imagining you this way every second of every day. Nothing I do in my life, is without you.

I’m going to end this here tonight now, Ronan. I am a blubbering mess and I am trying not to cry too much because I don’t want to wake up your brothers and make them sad. They are both sleeping right next to me. We miss you. We wish you were here. I love you, little man. I miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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