If I had any Ambien, it would be an Ambien overdose night.

Ronan. Today was a mind fuck of a day. I should have known it was coming. Your brothers wanted to go fishing on Papa’s boat. They went just a few nights ago and begged me to go with them. I told them I couldn’t. Even your Nana kept saying over and over again, why don’t you just go. I quietly just said that I wanted them to go and spent this time with your Papa, to have their own little adventure. That was partly true, but it was partly not. Why didn’t I go? Because the last time we were on that boat, was with you. I remember that day, so clearly. You were not sick. You were perfect, healthy, and so happy. But you were sick. You had Stage IV fucking cancer filled through out your entire body. How could that be and how did we not know? 2 and a half weeks after you being on Papa’s boat, we were told you had cancer. I can’t get on that boat again, I’m not ready. I didn’t have a choice today. Your brothers were begging to go. I did my usual pep talk. “Come on, Maya. You can do this. You are their mom. Suck it up and go fishing with them.” I felt physically ill. Deep breath. Step on the boat. A fishing you will go. Holy fuck. We were out there for about 5 hours. I felt like I was frozen in time. No. This is so wrong, without Ronan here. And your brothers were off their fucking rockers today with their fighting. I did my best to keep things calm, but it just went on and on and on. At one point, I pretty much just gave up. I was so exhausted and mentally just beat down from trying to hold it together for them for the day. I was ready to jump off of the fucking boat and swim to shore. The arguing. The water fight. The hitting. It was all I could do not throw them both off of the boat. I didn’t lose my temper. I disciplined them the best I could, being out on the boat stuck in the middle of nowhere. I was so happy when our day of fishing was over and we were driving back home. That boat felt horrific without you.

We came home. It’s been 2 days since I’ve eaten. I was hungry. I was tired. I came upstairs and crawled into bed as I suddenly was too sad to have an appetite. I just sat and sobbed instead for a while. Quinn came upstairs of course to see what I was doing. He saw that I was crying. He asked what was wrong. I just told him I missed you. He asked if I needed anything. I told him no. He got up and went outside. I got up and went downstairs to try to put something in my stomach. I was sitting in the living room, just about eat and your brothers came in yelling and screaming that one of them, had just broken the other one’s bike by getting into a bike war. WTF? I had enough. That was the straw that broke the camels back. The situation was explained to me and the disciplining came next. Word to the wise. I don’t do well with A)the destruction of other people’s things B)Having something nice, but not respecting it C)the taking for granted of things that you have. Doom Day had arrived and it arrived in the form of disciplining those brothers of yours like they have never been disciplined before. It was about a 2 hour ordeal. It started with the both of them crying, the explaining of what they did, the why, the reasoning behind it, the apologizing to your Nana and Papa, to each other, and to me. It ended with the 3 of us in a circle. I took in a deep breath. “Do you understand, why you got into so much trouble tonight? I want to hear your explanation of it.” They both gave a very detailed explanation. “I cannot have this. Do you understand how hard it was for me to get on that boat today? How all I wanted to do was have a nice day with you and all I did was break up your arguing and fighting the entire day. I am so sad. I am so sad all the time. I didn’t want to be sad today. I was trying so hard just to have a good day with you. But then all the fighting. It makes me so sad. You are brothers. I cannot have you treating each other this way.” They said they knew. That they were sorry. That they knew what they had done (destroying the others bike) was wrong. “You boys are going to make mistakes in your life. Lots of them. I understand that. I am o.k. with that as long as you learn from your mistakes. You are learning a lesson now. And the ONLY reason, I am not putting you both back on a plane to Arizona right now, is because you told the truth about what happened. You owned up to it, you apologized, and you promised to learn from it. If you would have lied about any of this, we would be leaving tomorrow.”

I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I broke. I started sobbing. “Why don’t you ever talk about him? I know you miss him. I know you love him. You never talk about Ronan and it kills me. I miss him so much. I know you do too. He is a part of our family. He will always be a part of our family. I am so scared, that you are going to forget him. Please, please start talking to me about him. I know you are so confused and have so many questions. I am your mom. I love you so much. You can talk to me about anything. I don’t want you to be scared, to talk about Ronan. We need to talk about Ronan. Please!” Now all 3 of us were crying. “I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I miss him so much. I am so sorry this happened to us.” I grabbed them both and held on to them tightly for a bit. Liam got up. I grabbed him. “You. I am so worried about you. I watch you, Liam and the way you hold everything in. You are kind of like me in that way. You can’t hold it in. I know you have all of these feelings in there. I am your mom. I am here for you, for whatever you need to talk about. I love you so much. Please know that you can come to me, with anything.” He wiped away his tears and said o.k., gave me a hug and went downstairs. Quinn stayed upstairs and he soon fell asleep with me whispering in his ear, clinging on to your GiGi. He is all wrapped up in it now.

If I had any Ambien it would be an Ambien overdose night for sure. Kidding. Kind of. That’s my way of being dramatic. But about 6 months ago, I’ll bet you it would have been. I don’t do well with hard days like this as all they make me want to do, is check out forever. But forever doesn’t help kick cancer’s ass or raise your brothers so I know I need to be done with that little plan of destruction. I am. But I hate days like today. They are too hard, without you.

This is all for tonight, little one. I miss you too much to write anymore. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am so very sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo