For those of you who want to sponsor me…

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THANK YOU! I’ve gotten so many emails from people saying they can’t run, but would love to sponsor me. What do I say to that?!?! HECK YES! And thank you times a million! You all are such wonderful, beautiful souls.

I know Ronan is so proud of all we are doing. The link to sponsor me is down below. Nothing can stop me from running for Ro. Not even these E size milk filled boobs.

xoxo

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/rockandro/runlikearockstar

1st Annual Run Like A Rockstar!

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Come join me in a 5k in my hometown! So excited to do this, so thankful for the support! Details for the race are in the link below! Let’s run for Ro!

http://www.active.com/running/longview-wa/the-ronan-thompson-foundation-5k-run-walk-2013

Turns out Maybelline Great Lash Mascara isn’t so great when you’re a bloody mess

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Ronan. Finally, I can sit down and have some time with you. I hate that I haven’t been able to write, let alone breathe lately. I’ve been so unbelievably busy that I swear by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I am out like a light. Such a change from how things used to be. I miss my insomnia nights where I used to stay up and write to you. Poppy has been keeping me incredibly busy. I forgot how time-consuming this whole breast-feeding thing is and your little sister has such an appetite that I swear I am feeding her around the clock. I know it’s what’s best for her and I love spending the time with her doing it, but it does leave little time to get things done around here. I’m just trying to soak it all in still because I know how quickly this time passes. Things are still going amazing with that little sister of yours. She is still a happy girl and is sleeping at night like a champ. None of us can get enough of her. I won’t let her out of my sight and she goes everywhere with me. She even went to her first board meeting the other night and didn’t make a peep as everyone passed her around to love on her. The amount of love for this baby girl blows me away. It’s like she’s getting double the dose from everyone due to the impact you’ve had on all of us, Ronan. She is so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing souls. I can only imagine what an amazing little human being this will make her. Tomorrow, she will already be 2 months. It has flown by so fast and she is changing so much. She’s now doing really cute things like smiling and cooing at us all. Macy swears she can understand everything we are saying and she trying to have a conversation back with us. The way her eyes look at all of us while we are talking to her makes me think she is right. This Poppy girl already seems to know so much.

Your brothers are out of school. Normally, we would be in San Diego by now but this year we decided to take a little break. Your daddy was burnt out on it and I don’t blame him. One more year of going to the same spot where we always took you, without you was going to be too much for me to handle. I almost had a nervous breakdown last year. Too many almost 4-year-old blond-haired boys running about. Too many swimming pools without you in it. Too much of everything I pretty much never care to see again. It wasn’t therapeutic and it wasn’t healthy for me to be there last year and I have no interest in returning back to a place that I so desperately want to be the same, but it never will be the same again. So we are still in AZ. Your brothers have started a basketball camp which they love but it’s only for a couple of hours a day. The rest of our days have mostly been spent just hanging out having play dates, swimming, and they have helped me with a lot of things around here. We have our little, Rachel, in from NYC. I love having her here so much. We all do. Just another one of those amazing things to come from this blog and from you. She is our family and I love seeing her with your Poppy sister. Now, if I could only get her to move in and be our nanny;) Something tells me that would not be enough to keep our little smarty pants I just graduated NYC and now am working at Columbia University entertained. I am so proud of her and all she is doing. Macy calls her Saint Rachel because she is that amazing at 22. I feel so blessed to have come across this soul who is now a part of our family. We are all going to miss her so much when she leaves. Hopefully she will come out to Washington and visit us when we are there this summer.

That is what we are doing this summer. I am taking your brothers and sister to Nana and Papa’s house. It’s all your brothers have been talking about for months. I’ve been having to listening to them begging to go out earlier, but we had some things to take care of around here first. Believe me, I am just as excited as they are. I miss my parents and my childhood house where I always feel so safe and sound at, even under the shittiest of circumstances. It will be nice to have help with your sister and brothers. Washington is my place of peacefulness where I feel like I can actually breathe for a little bit. And no almost 4 year old blond boys exist. It will be nice to take a little break from the rat race that I often get caught up in here. I have lots of plans that mostly consist of no plans at all, besides spending a ton of time with your brothers and Papa Jim doing our favorite things like fishing, hiking, playing hide and seek until dark, and enjoying all the beauty the pacific northwest has to offer this time of year, including hopefully many days of rain. Please, please, please Washington rain gods, work your magic. I have been missing our rain so much, Ro.

We had a board meeting the other night. We have so many things in the works and so much coming up. A few top secret things that involve a kick ass rockstar. We still have not heard back on the petition to light the Whitehouse Gold for September. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I am still hoping for the best. After the board meeting, I told your daddy I would have Fernanda drive me home because I needed to spend some time with her. We had a lot to talk about and as always, it circled back around to you. I know you know how I am. I don’t let my guard down in front of many people. I much prefer to do all of my crying alone, and don’t often do I do it in front of others. There are only a handful of people who I am comfortable enough with to let everything out. I’ve never had a guard up with Fernanda which is why after our little pow wow, I could barely get my ass back into our house because I was seriously blinded by my tears and the fucking cheap ass mascara I wore that day. Remind me never to wear a different brand of mascara than I normally do. I came into the house, my eyes were black and stinging so badly from the mascara running in them, that I had your daddy in a complete panic. I ran to the bathroom to take out my contacts and wash my face while your daddy hovered over me begging me to tell him what was wrong. It’s the same thing it always is, Ronan. You are dead, I would give anything to have you back, I sometimes still don’t want to be here, because I just want to be with you, where are you? who is taking care of you? and why can’t it be me? Everything in my body still yearns for you, screams for you, begs for you in the worst way. Sometimes your daddy and I sit and bed at night and whisper secrets.

“Do you ever think Poppy has parts of Ronan?” he asked me the other night.
I quietly said, “Yes.”

“Me, too.” he said. “Is that wrong?”

I just told him through my tears, “If it gets us through this, does it really matter?”

I don’t think that it does, Ronan. She is parts of you without a doubt. Just like Liam and Quinn are, too. Many days I catch glimpses of you through your brothers and it helps me in a way. I see you in Quinn’s still sometimes with his mischievous ways. I see you in Liam’s strength and the way he carries himself so proud, like you always did. Poppy feels like you. She reminds me of you. I know you sent her to me to give me a little piece of you back. And some days I think you sent her to me to give me a lot of you back. I don’t care how whack-a-doodle that sounds. Thinking that way helps me to survive this insanely painful life without you here. I can’t tell your baby pictures apart. I can’t get over that she has the same little secret dimple that you had only when you smiled in the same exact spot. It gives me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time. I like living in this Poppyland. It feels o.k. again. Some days it even feels good.

Alright little man. I miss you so much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams baby doll. G’nite.

xoxo

P.S. Please keep our Kassie safe while she is away on her amazing African adventure. I know she took you with her. Thanks, baby.

P.P.S. Does anybody know anybody high up at our local cable company Cox Communications?? Woody went to tour one of our Ronanld McDonald Houses here today because we are looking to help them with some of their wish list items. We would like to make some things better for the families that have to stay there. Turns out, they don’t have the place wired for cable because Cox wants to charge them full price and won’t give them a discount. Seriously? That makes me so mad. I love it when people try to make money off of people who are going through a hard time. It’s a freaking non-profit, Cox Communications. Give me a break. I might like to write them a little letter or speak to somebody who is higher up over there. Thanks, lovies for anything you can do.

xx

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It’s a real life Poppy!

Ronan. So, in this life now without you, you know I’m not used to really good things happening. Even when really good things happen to me, they always come with me thinking the worst case scenario for what could ultimately go wrong. It’s a given in this new life without you. The one that I am left here living, where I thought you would never die, because our love and those doctors, would save you. How I absolutely knew that nobody would ever make us be apart because the love between the two of us, was so strong and unlike anything the both of us had ever known. Of course you were going to get better. Of course you were going to survive. Yet, somehow… that was not the outcome. I will never know why and even if there was a reason written out in black and white, it wouldn’t be good enough. Nothing in this world will ever be worth the death of you. But, some really amazing things are happening due to your death. It feels so wrong to write that, but it is the truth. Had you not died, the things that the world is spitting out at me, would not be going on.

I told your Sparkly the other day, “If Ronan had to die, you can make damn sure I am going to make something amazing come from it. He will change the face of childhood cancer.” I hate that it had to be you. But baby, just maybe, someday, another little boy or girl won’t have to die from this disease because of the awareness you are bringing to it. We as a foundation, are preparing the best we can for all the good you are bringing. We’ve had a fire lit under us in the best way possible. I am thanking you, our love, and the most amazing people in the world who are so touched by our love story, that they want to help us change this. I am so amazed at the way you are still inspiring so many… but I was your mama, so it’s not surprising to me at all, Ro. Your beauty and spirit lives on through so many. I am trying to find comfort in that as much as I can. It truly is what keeps me going.

I had my first ultrasound today. The one where I got to see, (insert british accent here)”Poppy!” in a picture for the first time. Your daddy went with me. We were waiting for my OBGYN. The one who delivered all 3 of you. I was nervous. I told your daddy I expected there to be no baby, or for this baby to die. Am I an awful, wretched human being for saying those words? I thought I was for about .3 seconds, but then I decided I was not. I just know the worst now, so those thoughts are a given. Your daddy said, “The baby is not going to die.” I wanted to say, “That’s what you said about Ronan,” but I bit my tongue.” We went back to the ultrasound room. I wondered if Dr. Schwartz would bring you up. I had a panic attack thinking to myself, “What if she doesn’t acknowledge Ronan and what happened?” That would have destroyed me. She came into the room, Yelling about how she needed to make sure there weren’t two babies in my stomach. The mood quickly shifted after that after she told us she knew we had been through the ringer and how sorry she was. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing, feeling, and if I was still depressed. I told her I don’t think it’s depression after losing a child. I think it’s just a heavy grief that one will always have, but I am learning to manage it. She asked about medications. I told her I wasn’t on any. Your daddy piped in about Ambien but quickly corrected himself saying I hadn’t taken any since before Washington. So glad I threw that shit away. She asked if we were excited. I just answered her as honesty as possible. I said I was more just scared and nervous. She said she understood starting going on and on about how she knows I am going to have anxiety with this baby, times a million. She told me she would do ultrasounds on me every week if that’s what I wanted. I don’t know if that will be necessary, but I appreciated the offer. I cried a lot during my ultrasound due to missing you so freaking much. I heard Poppy’s heartbeat and I wish I could say it filled me with so much happiness and joy, but it didn’t. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I know this is going to take time. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. But my happiness comes with just as much sadness, too. I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It is what it is, Ronan. This baby will be good. I know this. This baby is going to be so unbelievably loved. This baby is going to be a part of you and what could be better than that, besides yourself? I love this baby already. But it doesn’t lessen this pain or make me miss you any less. If anything, it makes me miss you more.

Poppy is real. Poppy has a heartbeat. As of now, Poppy is safe. I know in my heart, that you will make sure this baby is going to be fine.

I just finished up a board meeting. Long night. Lots of love, excitement and laugher in our house tonight. I am so lucky, even without you here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

If I had any Ambien, it would be an Ambien overdose night.

Ronan. Today was a mind fuck of a day. I should have known it was coming. Your brothers wanted to go fishing on Papa’s boat. They went just a few nights ago and begged me to go with them. I told them I couldn’t. Even your Nana kept saying over and over again, why don’t you just go. I quietly just said that I wanted them to go and spent this time with your Papa, to have their own little adventure. That was partly true, but it was partly not. Why didn’t I go? Because the last time we were on that boat, was with you. I remember that day, so clearly. You were not sick. You were perfect, healthy, and so happy. But you were sick. You had Stage IV fucking cancer filled through out your entire body. How could that be and how did we not know? 2 and a half weeks after you being on Papa’s boat, we were told you had cancer. I can’t get on that boat again, I’m not ready. I didn’t have a choice today. Your brothers were begging to go. I did my usual pep talk. “Come on, Maya. You can do this. You are their mom. Suck it up and go fishing with them.” I felt physically ill. Deep breath. Step on the boat. A fishing you will go. Holy fuck. We were out there for about 5 hours. I felt like I was frozen in time. No. This is so wrong, without Ronan here. And your brothers were off their fucking rockers today with their fighting. I did my best to keep things calm, but it just went on and on and on. At one point, I pretty much just gave up. I was so exhausted and mentally just beat down from trying to hold it together for them for the day. I was ready to jump off of the fucking boat and swim to shore. The arguing. The water fight. The hitting. It was all I could do not throw them both off of the boat. I didn’t lose my temper. I disciplined them the best I could, being out on the boat stuck in the middle of nowhere. I was so happy when our day of fishing was over and we were driving back home. That boat felt horrific without you.

We came home. It’s been 2 days since I’ve eaten. I was hungry. I was tired. I came upstairs and crawled into bed as I suddenly was too sad to have an appetite. I just sat and sobbed instead for a while. Quinn came upstairs of course to see what I was doing. He saw that I was crying. He asked what was wrong. I just told him I missed you. He asked if I needed anything. I told him no. He got up and went outside. I got up and went downstairs to try to put something in my stomach. I was sitting in the living room, just about eat and your brothers came in yelling and screaming that one of them, had just broken the other one’s bike by getting into a bike war. WTF? I had enough. That was the straw that broke the camels back. The situation was explained to me and the disciplining came next. Word to the wise. I don’t do well with A)the destruction of other people’s things B)Having something nice, but not respecting it C)the taking for granted of things that you have. Doom Day had arrived and it arrived in the form of disciplining those brothers of yours like they have never been disciplined before. It was about a 2 hour ordeal. It started with the both of them crying, the explaining of what they did, the why, the reasoning behind it, the apologizing to your Nana and Papa, to each other, and to me. It ended with the 3 of us in a circle. I took in a deep breath. “Do you understand, why you got into so much trouble tonight? I want to hear your explanation of it.” They both gave a very detailed explanation. “I cannot have this. Do you understand how hard it was for me to get on that boat today? How all I wanted to do was have a nice day with you and all I did was break up your arguing and fighting the entire day. I am so sad. I am so sad all the time. I didn’t want to be sad today. I was trying so hard just to have a good day with you. But then all the fighting. It makes me so sad. You are brothers. I cannot have you treating each other this way.” They said they knew. That they were sorry. That they knew what they had done (destroying the others bike) was wrong. “You boys are going to make mistakes in your life. Lots of them. I understand that. I am o.k. with that as long as you learn from your mistakes. You are learning a lesson now. And the ONLY reason, I am not putting you both back on a plane to Arizona right now, is because you told the truth about what happened. You owned up to it, you apologized, and you promised to learn from it. If you would have lied about any of this, we would be leaving tomorrow.”

I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I broke. I started sobbing. “Why don’t you ever talk about him? I know you miss him. I know you love him. You never talk about Ronan and it kills me. I miss him so much. I know you do too. He is a part of our family. He will always be a part of our family. I am so scared, that you are going to forget him. Please, please start talking to me about him. I know you are so confused and have so many questions. I am your mom. I love you so much. You can talk to me about anything. I don’t want you to be scared, to talk about Ronan. We need to talk about Ronan. Please!” Now all 3 of us were crying. “I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I miss him so much. I am so sorry this happened to us.” I grabbed them both and held on to them tightly for a bit. Liam got up. I grabbed him. “You. I am so worried about you. I watch you, Liam and the way you hold everything in. You are kind of like me in that way. You can’t hold it in. I know you have all of these feelings in there. I am your mom. I am here for you, for whatever you need to talk about. I love you so much. Please know that you can come to me, with anything.” He wiped away his tears and said o.k., gave me a hug and went downstairs. Quinn stayed upstairs and he soon fell asleep with me whispering in his ear, clinging on to your GiGi. He is all wrapped up in it now.

If I had any Ambien it would be an Ambien overdose night for sure. Kidding. Kind of. That’s my way of being dramatic. But about 6 months ago, I’ll bet you it would have been. I don’t do well with hard days like this as all they make me want to do, is check out forever. But forever doesn’t help kick cancer’s ass or raise your brothers so I know I need to be done with that little plan of destruction. I am. But I hate days like today. They are too hard, without you.

This is all for tonight, little one. I miss you too much to write anymore. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am so very sorry. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

I also had to post Derrick’s amazing catch. So proud of our little man, who is no longer little:( When did that happen?

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILDWdTMsan4

A high speed train to nowhere that leads everywhere

Ronan. Substance and Passion. Those are the two words that will not shut up in my head. Those are the two words that I have found on this trip. I think if you have those two words behind everything you do in life, you can do anything. I have done a lot of “things,” since I’ve been here. So much that I feel like I have been here for weeks not merely 4 days. I don’t even remember when I wrote to you last. I think it was on the train to D.C. I have been pretty unplugged here. No computer. No T.V. and guess what the best part is? No screaming voices in my head. They have totally disappeared. Do you know whose voice I’ve heard in my head since I’ve been here? Yours and only yours. I have found so much strength on this trip and I am really hoping it is just not due to being in New York City…. the city that I always feel the strongest in. Or if it is, I really hope I can carry this strength all the way back to Arizona with me and keep it around more often than it has been.

I don’t even know where to start with the Washington D.C. thing. How do you put into words a day and night were you literally feel yourself coming back to life, after being dead? I haven’t the slightest clue but I’ll try find the words to try to do it justice. I got invited to D.C. by my real life, fairy RoMother. I have decided to change the word “GodMother,” to “RoMother,” because I have issues with that asshole and all he stands for. And RoMother is just so much more fitting for this person. Because it is all things kind, pure, and beautiful just like you. It’s been a long time coming, meeting this RoMother of mine. She has quietly been behind the scenes, making big things happen in your name. She asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to come to Washington D.C. with her and her husband to attend Annie Leibovtiz’s latest show, Pilgrimage, which is being featured at The Smithsonian. I think her words started with, “If your up for a little adventure…….” All I needed was to hear was the word adventure, and I was sold. It turns out this little adventure had to do with one of her lovies, Annie or Al as she calls her. I, of course jumped at the chance as it not only meant getting to meet this beautiful Rosoul of ours, but spending some much overdue time with her as well. Oh, and not to mention the fact that one of the greatest icons in the world was thrown into the mix. And you know my secret obsession with photography. I have been documenting things in this so called life since before I hit puberty. I told K I would be honored to come to the show with her and she told me that Annie was touched that I was coming. Um what? Annie’s touched? Is the world ending? Are pigs flying? No. None of those things are happening but you died so I have no choice but to embrace these gifts that you are throwing my way. You are working so hard babydoll. I just hope I can keep up.
I told K I would meet her on the train. She said, “Cool! It will be something like out of a Hitchcock movie!” I cracked up at this. She is so freaking RAD. I got on the train to Washington D.C. Our little fairy RoMother found me on board. I got to give her the hug I had been saving for her, for so long. I was already settled in my seat next to some stranger when she found me. Katherine and her hubby went into a different car to meet up with one of their good friends who was along for the trip as well. A few minutes later, K appeared and hijacked me into moving seats, to come up and sit with them. She introduced me to her friend and we settled into an easy conversation as we sailed through the world on a high-speed train, to our unknown destination, we joked. The scene outside looked like something from the movie, “Twilight.” It was dark, dreary, foggy, and cold. So mysterious. So Hitchcock. In other words, my heaven. I watched the trees fly by. I held your GiGi on my lap and buried my face in it a lot. I saw a Billboard sign that read, “Jesus Saves.” I thought to myself, “That is so fucking offensive. Jesus didn’t save my son. Jesus isn’t saving all of these other beautiful souls.” I got mad and told Jesus to shove it up his ass. I wish I would have had a machine gun strapped to my body so I could have blown 1000 fucking holes in that sign. I didn’t so I scribbled in my journal about it instead.
We arrived in D.C. and were whisked off to the hotel. We got checked in and we all decided to tool around the city for a few hours before Annie’s show. I spent the next few hours smiling like I have not smiled in a very long time. Here I was, with these 3 strangers who did not feel like strangers at all as I was so comfortable. Katherine’s husband, Mark gave me a personal tour of every single monument we set eyes on. And it was so much more than anything you could ever learn while sitting in a history class for school. It was more like a history class for life as I listened to this man share with me his knowledge of things that came from so much more than a book. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and before we knew it, it was time to get back to the hotel so we could get ready for Annie’s show. We all took about an hour to rest/shower/change/dress and head out the door. I wore my black jeans, a red jacket with a black skull shirt underneath it that Dr. JoRo gave me. I of course, had to represent the grief look that I carry around with me 24/7. Dr. JoRo’s skull shirt was the perfect item of clothing to do this. And of course the gold locket with your ashes in it that I always wear around my neck. I wouldn’t leave home, without you. Ever.
We arrived at The Smithsonian for Annie’s private show. I was not sure what to expect except for I knew I was in very good hands so it would be nothing short of amazing. I let K lead me around and she introduced me to every single person we came into contact with as her friend, Maya. Everyone knew her and I watched the ways their eyes lit up in her presence and how happy every single person was to see her. What an amazing soul. Not many people can elude a light around them the way K does. It’s so bright and warm that everyone just soaks it up. She is the kind of person that makes you want to be better person because everything she does is fueled with passion and kindness. And a little kick ass badassness as well. My kind of girl for sure:) We went up to see Annie’s show. To say that it was genius does not even begin to describe it. The beauty of her pictures was so powerful that it left me spending much of the night, wiping tears from my eyes. It was so electic and different from anything she has ever done before. Her latest show focuses more on the beauty of America. She featured the lives of so many influential people who even though they are gone, continue to live on due to the mark they made in the world while they were here. I spent the night getting lost in the world of Emily Dickinson, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and my favorite piece of the night… Annie Oakley’s heart target. Oh, how that piece spoke to me. The story behind it, is incredible too.You could see that Annie poured her heart and her soul into this project. Her beautiful work, speaks for itself. I had heard that she took this on due to going through some hard times. I hope it helped to heal her heart a little. Just the little time I spent looking at her work, it helped to heal mine. I cannot imagine being the one on the other side of the camera, who took those pictures and made them into art. It must have been so cathartic. At least I hope it was. Otherwise, what else is the point? A woman who spends so much time, bringing happiness to others, through her work, deserves happiness as well. So much happiness.We spent a couple of hours at the event and then Katherine took me and introduced me to Annie. When I first saw her, I thought to myself, she is so beautiful. She looked so happy and proud of her work. A true artist who is so well known that she is a household name. But at the end of the day, she’s just a mom like me. If I would have ever been starstruck at anyone in my life, it would have been her. But that’s not the way I felt when I met her. What really registered with me is that she is a mom who has unconditional love for her daughters the way I love you and your brothers. She is a mom who has had a very successful life due to working hard, fighting for what she believes in and following her heart. Those are the things I admire most about her. Those things can take you to a whole new level while living on this earth. Katherine introduced me to Annie who embraced me for a big hug. I got choked up, told her it was an honor to meet her, and thanked her for such an amazing show. The next thing I knew we were all aboard Annie’s private bus to take us back to the hotel where we were staying. Annie came on the bus and everyone broke out cheering, clapping, and screaming for her. I had a moment when I thought to myself, “HOLY SHIT! I’m on a party bus with Annie Leibovitz!” But then I remembered the price I had paid for this seat which is ultimately your death. We both know I would not be doing things like this if it were not for you. I’m just sorry you had to die in order for beautiful things like this to happen in my life. But it is because you were so beautiful, that these things are happening. Because so many people in this world know things have to change and they are going to help us do this. I am truly thankful for that. So thankful and humbled, Ronan. The Annie party bus thing sent me into a fit of giggles and I thanked you for all the little things that you are doing. As soon as we got off the bus, I was walking into the hotel with Annie right next to me. I just looked at her and said, ” As a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces, I just want to thank you for giving me a break from that tonight by letting me get lost in your work and your world.” She looked at me and said how sorry she was and that she could not imagine going through something like this. I said I knew. Nobody can.

Everyone filled up the hotel bar where I sucked down waters and mingled with the kindest people. We ate a little food, talked about Annie’s show, and talked about you a lot too. We talked a lot about childhood cancer and how wrong it is that nobody wants to pay attention. This is not going to be the case much longer, Ro. Not if I have anything to do with it. It seems to me like a lot of people are paying attention now. It seems to me like there are going to be a lot of changes and I know it is all because of you and because of our love story that is never going to end. I ended the night with my new friend, Jesse and his husband. Jesse is the one who sent you the signed Annie Leibovitz Star Wars poster. Another doing of your little RoMother. Jesse was so excited to meet me and had tears in his eyes the entire hour we spent talking about you. His husband lost a good friend to cancer who was really young and he was so proud to wear the “Fuck you cancer,” bracelet that I gave him. He said his friend who had cancer wore a hat that said this all the time. Because we all know if anything deserves the FUCK word most in life, it is cancer. I headed back up to my room about 1 a.m. and was beat. It took me awhile to settle down as my head was still spinning from the nights events.
We all took the train back to New York the following day. It’s been non-stop since returning from D.C. I had dinner with your old Sloan roommate, Phoebe’s mom, Ellen. It was so nice to see her and hear all about how Phoebe is doing. She is not walking yet but she is getting closer. I got to see a picture of her hair that is growing back in. She is so beautiful. She is so strong. She was so strong before all of this and it is such bullshit all that she has had to go through in order to “prove” her strength. She is here though and I know Ellen is so thankful for that. I would give anything to have you here, no matter how much damage the cancer had caused.
Yesterday, I ran around the city and met up with Katherine downtown at a photo shoot that she was finishing up. I got a tour of the studio and all the behind the scenes things that go on. We walked around the neighborhood and ended up grabbing a bite to eat nearby. It was there that we had a total powerhouse/pow wow/ let’s FUCK cancer up, meeting. I told her all the ideas I have swarming around in my head. She told me every single one of them was achievable and I was just the person to get things done, the right way. I am dreaming really, really, big RO. I am thinking about doing things that nobody has done in the name of childhood cancer and I know each one of these things I set out to do, is going to happen. The face of this disease is going to change in a big way all due to you and all the love and support you have behind you. I thanked Katherine for believing in me so much and for all she has done and is doing for us as she is our biggest cheerleader who truly knows how to get shit done. And she does this all out of the kindness of her huge heart that she has. She does this without asking of anything in return except to stand by my side while holding my hand and screaming, “FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!” right next to me. She is so beautiful in every single way a human being can be beautiful, x’s 1ooo. I am so thankful to her for opening her heart and her world to us. It’s something beyond this world.
After I got home from my afternoon with Katherine, I set out for a long dark run. I ended up running by The Ronald McDonald House and I stopped and peaked inside, just begging to see you. I couldn’t find you, so I left there and headed to Sloan Kettering instead. I got to the doors of the hospital and stopped and stared inside. I told you how sorry I was. I sucked in a deep breath and let out my tears. I didn’t go in and blow anyone up tonight, but I wanted to. I went to the Starbucks nearby instead and loaded up a gift card and told the cashier to use it on everyone who ordered a coffee, until it ran out. She looked shocked. I wasn’t planning on telling her why I was doing this because sometimes it’s just nice to do things in an anonymous way. I wasn’t expecting her to ask but she looked at me and said, “May I ask why you are doing this?” She caught me off guard. I could feel the tears start to form but I somehow managed to get out the words it was for my son, Ronan, who passed away from childhood cancer. I showed her your picture. After that, I ran all the way home feeling a mixture of sadness and strength that carried me the entire way back through the dark, freezing streets of NYC. Invincible, Ro.
I have so much more to tell you, baby doll. But I’m now on a train to Philly. I’m going to see Dr. Mosse at CHOP. I need your strength more than ever as today is going to be hard. The last time I looked that woman in the eyes was when she was telling me how sorry she was and how the medical world, had failed us. I now know that there are so many more things to for blame for killing you, then the medical community alone. I’m going to fix this. I’m going to change this. You will not die in vain. You will never be a fucking statistic.
I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. Thank you, Ronan for filling my life with the most beautiful people possible. Thank you for all the gifts you are leaving everywhere. I hope you are safe. I love you so very much.

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xoxo

New York Fuckin City and Cancer is an Asshole

 

 

Ronan. I’m here. Back to the place where we were basically told there was nothing left we could do for you. Back to the city that was supposed to heal you. Well it didn’t. I’m hoping it will heal me a little I guess. I’m not giving up on this city. I’m not going to let it make me so bitter and sad so that I can never return here. I’m here and this city is still as lovely as ever. A perfect place for an insomniac like me.

I’ll admit it, I was a little nervous and sad to leave tonight. I had a moment when I was saying goodbye to your daddy and brothers before went through the security line. I gave them lots of hugs and kisses. Liam was being so stoic and brave about me leaving. Quinn had tears running down his cheeks. Your daddy looked sad as well. It killed me to leave them but as I have said before, I don’t have a choice. This is something I need to do. As I was sitting in the airport, waiting for my plane I thought to myself, “What in the fuck are you doing? You are leaving everything and everyone behind that you love to go to a big city where you know, nobody. Who in the world do you think you are?” Then I remembered, I am your mama. I can do anything. I may not know what the fuck I am doing; but I’m not going to stop until I figure it out. I owe this to you and I owe this to myself. I told you I died when you died. I know this. I have to do things like this in order to live again. I don’t know why it is that you wanted me to come back here again and at this specific time, but your little voice in my head has been too loud for me to ignore. I know you have a bigger plan for me and I know this is part of it. So here I am. I’m here and listening to you in every way possible.
Hi little bug. I fell asleep shortly after what I had written above. It must have been about 5 a.m. when I finally passed out. I woke up around 9, made some phone calls, showered and headed out into this big, beautiful city that I love so much with no destination in mind. I walked for a few hours. It’s cold, crisp, and the city is covered in snow. I didn’t go anywhere special but I just let myself get lost in my surroundings. I called your brothers and daddy to check in. I didn’t have anything specific planned but some things came about anyway. I met up with a lovely man named Scott. He is one of the men who started up Solving Kids Cancer which is based out of NYC. I touched based with him a couple of months ago to let him know I was coming out here and that I would love to meet him and pick his brain. So we ended up meeting later this afternoon. It’s so strange this little shitty fucking club of ours that we now are a part of. As soon as he walked in, I got up and gave him a hug. I have never seen this man before but I felt like I’ve known him forever. We slipped into an easy but difficult conversation. The one where you sit across from this stranger and you have no guard up and no filter because you notice he has the exact same sad eyes as you. So you sit and talk about your dead children, your alive children, your friends, your life before and your life after. No topic is off-limits. You sit and talk about how your kids got the short end of the stick and you say the word fuck a lot. You talk about how you know you have no choice but to change the face of childhood cancer. I felt myself breathe and exhale easily today, while in Scott’s company which I never do. He has so much love for his little boy, that was taken away, and I know he is going to fight this fight as hard as I am. He is not going to stop until things start changing. It was nice today to feel like I was not alone in this big fight. It was a day that I very much needed and I appreciated it so much. He let me pick his brain which I loved. He is smart and you know I always appreciate that. He totally has his PH.D in this childhood cancer thing. I’m sorry he does. I so wish he did not. I wish that for both of that but as we both know, wishes don’t fucking come true.
After my afternoon, I ran back to the apartment to change as my friend, Kelly, told her husband I was here and he texted me to see if he could take me to dinner. She is still back in Oregon and Derrick is living here while Kelly gets things packed up for their big move. I have not seen Derrick since the summer we spent with them, over in San Diego. The summer where you and their little girl, Grace, fell in love. I’ll never forget that summer, Ro baby. You and your little tan beach body. You and Gracie spent so much time together playing and loving on one another. It was such a good summer. It was good to see Derrick. He and Kelly have been such good friends. So supportive from a distance. We had a nice dinner and he showed me where he works now at MSNBC. We got caught up and talked about you a lot. Seeing him made me miss Kelly and our old life, so much. Our old life when you were here and healthy. Derrick sat and told me how strong I was to keep going on and pushing forward. He told me there is no way he would be able to do what I’m doing. I just told him that I don’t have a choice. I’m not going to just curl up in a ball and not fight for you and all the other babes out there who are dealing with this or who may be dealing with this in the future. I’m not here to sit back and do nothing. I’m still your mama, Ronan. I’m not brave or strong or a fighter. You are. All I’m doing is being your mama, in the only way I can now. After Derrick dropped me off, I changed my clothes and headed out for my most favorite thing in the world. My dark and dangerous Central Park run. It was so cold and the entire park is covered in snow. I ran a fast paced 6 miles. It felt so good it gave me a chance to clear my head from the things that had happened during the day. I took some time to think about you, a lot. Like I always do.
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. I have not been on the computer at all. I have purposely been avoiding it. I just got on my Facebook to check my messages. I just found out that Coach Bemis passed away. The dad of the 2 most beautiful girls who came in to get some Fuck You Cancer bracelets a few months ago. I just happened to meet them and said hello.  It was there that they told me that their dad had been diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer and he didn’t even smoke. I have been following his story even since. I didn’t know things had taken a turn for the worst so fast. I’m so sorry girls. I wish I could hug you and take this all away. I’m not going to say anything stupid like, “He’s in a better place,” because I fucking hate that. All I can say is that life is not fair. There are too many good people who are taken away and it will never make sense. All I can do is scream, “FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” for you. And cry for you and hope that if there is something else beyond this world that your dad will get to hang with Ronan. I don’t know what to make of any of this. When in the fuck did life get so hard? I mean, I know life is hard…. but this is beyond hard. This is beyond the petty everyday bullshit that people bitch and complain about. Try outliving your child. And Coach Bemis. He has a family that now is supposed to sit here and figure out how to go on without their dad? The most beautiful family. Who can justify this? You can’t. It’s just the fucked up life that we live in. You can’t make sense of any of this so people need to stop trying. Sometimes, there just are no answers. For as much as we want them, there will never be an answer that can justify any of this. I’m sorry Makenzie and Brianna. So fucking sorry.
Ro baby. It’s Monday now. I got up early this a.m. to go meet up with another Mama, Gretchen who lost her little boy, Liam to Neuroblastoma too. Just a year ago, today. Guess what else I found out about Liam? That he was born the day after you were. He was born on May 13th. I know that wherever you are, that you are friends. He sounds so much like you. I got to give Gretchen the hug that I’ve wanted to give her for so long now. I got to meet another person who has the same eyes as me. She started up Cookies for kids’ cancer. She is taking her pain and channeling it into something so unbelievably beautiful. All because of the love she has for her child. And because she knows that she does not have a choice because when the day comes, that she does get to see Liam again, she is going to be able to tell him how she did make a difference in the lives of others. How she did stand up and fight for all of these other innocent kids. How she stood up and fought for him and she never stopped just like the way, I refuse to stop for you. I’ll never stop fighting for you, Ro. You give me the strength to do this. What choice do I have? This is my way of taking care of you now. I’ll always be your mama. That will never change.
So, now I’m on a train to Washington D.C. I got invited on a little adventure that I jumped at the chance at all because of you. I am taking you with me, just like I took you with me everywhere. Oh, how we loved our little adventures so much. It’s going to be a good one. I can feel it. This trip is exactly what I needed. It’s been a whirlwind of calmness and craziness that I love. That I’ve needed because I tend to get stuck in a rut in AZ. I often feel like I can’t breathe there. I am really glad I listened to you and fought for this trip. Thanks for being such a constant, strong voice in my head.
I love you baby doll. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe.
xoxo

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The Lack of Warning Signs

A few of you have asked what the warning signs of Ronan’s cancer were. I’m thinking there are some newer readers out there, who have started reading this blog, without going to the beginning of Ro’s story. Or maybe I never explained it well. I never re read what I write and I can only imagine the jumbled mess of words that I probably display. When I write, I don’t think. I just feel and my fingers just kind of take off, without thought, letting my feelings do all the work. Thanks for sticking with me, throughout this journey of love and pain. I don’t know if I tell you all often enough, but the love that you have for my baby, for my family, for me, for my crazy writing; means the world to me. So thank you.

I am going to recap for those of you who are wondering what the signs were. For those of you who will now fear everyday that your child could be next…. because sadly I’ve learned this can happen to anyone. I will forever be pissed at the lack of knowledge I had for Childhood Cancer before all of this. Every parent should be informed and aware once they have children. If I had been aware, would we have caught this sooner? I’ll never know, because unfortunately, nobody can give me a straight answer. They don’t even know what is the cause of this awful disease. And there are too many people in the world who don’t care enough to fight and find out, because it is so rare. Or because it is too painful. Bullshit. Even if only 50 kids a year were diagnosed; which is not the case….. that is way too many to still be dealing with the nobody knows in 2011. Around 800 kids are diagnosed a year. 800 kids who survive by chance, not because there is a cure. It’s pure luck. My Ronan deserved to be lucky and I’ll never understand why he wasn’t. I would give anything to have him be the poster child for this disease, because he survived it. Not because he is dead and now I have to take his name and my pain and turn it into something positive. I have to take the death of my child, my baby, my soul mate and give everything I have to this so maybe, someday, people will start paying attention to kids who have cancer. Just maybe, I can help be a voice to save another Ronan out there; so another mom won’t have to find out what it’s like to sit in her dead child’s bedroom and sob while holding a bag full of his ashes. That is the only physical form I have left of Ronan now. His body, his eyes, his fingernails, his sweet little lips, the nape of his neck where I used to get my “sugar,” from. They are in a bag that looks like sand. All because of Childhood Cancer. All because Doctors, Science, Medicine, and Awareness has failed in 2011. Nobody wants to pay attention to Childhood Cancer. I guess it feels better for people to focus on things like Education because seeing a child with cancer, is too hard to handle. Ignorance is bliss. Best saying ever.

So, my friends. The signs. The Warning Signs. There really wasn’t any. Fun huh. I had taken the 3 boys to my parent’s in Washington State, just as I had every summer since the twins were born. We spent almost all of July there and returned to Phoenix at the beginning of August. We had the BEST time. We spent most of our time, doing simple things, like playing outside, fishing, enjoying time with my beautiful 70-year-old, youngest ever, stepfather; who is a big kid himself. He ADORES my boys and the time they have with him every summer, has always been one of my favorite things to watch in life. Ronan was eating normally, sleeping normally, running around like his crazy self. It was a few days before we were heading back to Washington when I took the boys and made them put on button up shirts, as I wanted to get a picture of them for our annual Christmas card. I spent an hour or so, snapping pictures of them, which has always been another one of my favorite things to do in life. As I was finishing up, going through the pics, I noticed Ronan’s left eye. It looked a little off in the picture that I had taken. Here it is:::

I assumed it was just some dust, allergies, or a bug bite. We had spent a ton of time outside and any of those things could have easily been the culprit. We returned to Phoenix on a Saturday, a few days after this picture was taken. Ronan’s eye still looked not quite right. Woody noticed right away. We made a doctor’s appointment for Monday morning just to check it out. The thought that it could have been Cancer, never even crossed our minds. Our lovely doctor, thought Ronan just had a cyst on the inside of his eyelid and refered us to a Children’s Opthamologist I took him that next day and ended up walking out in the middle of the appointment with her because of her rudeness and lack of concern/compassion that she had for my child and a mother who was scared shitless. I was panicking while trying to stay calm. I threw Ronan in the car, with his eyes still dilated and found another Child Opthamologist to see Ronan that next day. They had originally told me that they couldn’t see him until September. I told them that was not acceptable, that something was going on, and he needed to be seen that next day. They listened and we saw Dr. Cassidy the next day. He knew that something was wrong right away and sent us to PCH for a CT scan. Even at this point, I didn’t think Ronan had Cancer. I mean, really? That doesn’t happen to kids in this world. Especially not my Ro. I was about to learn in a very hard way; that it in fact does. More often than people realize.

So, that is it peeps. The warning signs, which really were none. But guess what??? Doctors can test for this kind of cancer with a simple urine test. YUP. It’s as easy as that. But once again, the bullshit answer to that is not enough kids are diagnosed. And I’m sure insurance doesn’t cover it. I’ll always wonder if Ronan was born with this. What if we would have caught it earlier… would he still be here? Most kids that are diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, are a Stage IV, because it is a silent killer due to the lack of symptoms. The lovely lack of symptoms, but you test for it by peeing in a cup. I am not an expert on why this isn’t done. I’m sure there are 100 different reasons. I am just a mom. Another mom, who has lost a child to cancer. But I was never given a choice as to whether I wanted my child tested for this or not. I can guarantee you, if I had been educated, and given a choice, all 3 of my kids would have been screened for this disease. Just like when they test for Down’s Syndrome when you are pregnant with a child. I was always given a choice for that and I always chose yes. I would have chosen yes, if Childhood Cancer would have been put on the plate. Would that have changed the outcome of all of this? I don’t know. But I should have been given the choice as a parent, to make that decision myself. The Medical world has a responsibility to make people aware. They are not doing it, so it’s parents like me who have to do it, until things change in a very drastic way. To them, Ronan is a statistic and nothing more. They just killed one of the most beautiful things to have ever touched this planet. And now, I have to figure out what to do with all this because I will never come close to feeling peace again in my life; unless something is done.

G’nite my lovilies. G’nite my Ro. I may be too tired to write to you tonight. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe.

P.S. You all know what a pink ribbon means. Did you know a gold ribbon is for Childhood Cancer? I didn’t, before all of this. Did you know that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month? I didn’t. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and failed as a parent because of my ignorance is bliss life that I indulged in for so many years.

P.P.S. FUCK YOU, CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo

Oh Ro….. what am I going to do without you??

JUNE 9th……………………..

Ronan. It’s almost been two months. Two months since you left me. How is this possible? It makes my head spin. It’s 1:30 in the morning…… 3:30 a.m. will be here soon. That’s around when you took your last breath. When I kissed your lips and whispered in your ear to come with me so we could get out of this place. I still can’t believe all this has happened. How my worst nightmare, really came true. I was so sure you would get better. You were going to beat all of the awful statistics and live to be a normal, healthy boy. You were so strong, so brave, and so proud. I remember how the day before you passed away and you weren’t really going to the bathroom anymore. I kept trying to get you to go. Finally, you told me in your squeaky little voice that you needed to pee. You didn’t want to go in the urinal right by your bed, you made me carry you to the toilet even though you were in so much pain that it hurt for me to even pick you up. I carried you to the bathroom and set you down on the toilet. Your little body was so skinny and frail that it took my breath away. But you were so proud. Too proud to do the easy thing and just use the potty by your bed. You always hated that thing. You held your chin high as cancer tried to take away your dignity. It never won. Cancer may have taken your life, but it never took away your pride. It would have been such an easy thing to give up and I don’t know that I know many souls in this world that would have put up such a fight like you did. I feel so privileged to be your mommy, Ro. You are so amazing in every way.

New York Miss Macy left today. Everyone was sad to see her go. Quinn and I took Olivia with us for the day as he wanted to go to a movie. We ended up seeing, “Turtle: The Incredible Journey. It was all about a little Loggerhead turtle and her journey in life. Her purpose, which ends up being to travel the paths of her ancestors, only to return home 25 years later to give birth to her offspring while fighting every odd stacked against her along the way. Only 1 in 10,000 turtles survive this journey. Throughout the movie, I felt as though the turtles journey is similar to mine. It may sound weird, but so many things that happened in this movie made me feel so vulnerable and struck such a chord. It started with the fact that these babies are buried alive after they hatch out of their shell and it takes 3 days for them to dig themselves out of the sand. Yup. I know a little something about feeling like you are buried alive just like you, little turtle. The baby, who is the size of a small child’s hand, has to leave the beach for it’s new world of the dangerous ocean. Many of them do not make it due to being eaten by crabs, birds, or the oceans waves are just too tough for them. The Loggerhead turtle, has one of the most difficult and longest migratory patterns of any marine animal. It reminds me of a bereaved mother. After you lose a child, it is almost like you are born again and thrust out into this cruel, cruel world. You are expected to survive it by everyone, you are expected to do as others think they would do, but the truth of it is….. we are all different and will follow our own instincts to hopefully return to our place of peacefulness and our home once again, when we are ready to go there. Just like the loggerhead turtle.

It is a very long journey and the turtle has to continue to fight, without giving up. They are survivors. Just like a mom who has lost her child. A mom who is just trying her best, trying to pull herself out of bed everyday;  to do what is somewhat normal for her kids so they can have days like yesterday where one of them spends time with his very special Papa Jim, and catches his first Salmon. Where the other one, spends his day with his mama and all of her amazing “sisters.” I have not heard Quinn laugh so much since he was with Ronan, before he was sick. Do I feel weird being out and about, laughing away?Absolutely. But I am not really doing this for myself. I am doing it for my children. I want them to look back at this summer and remember being surrounded by the people who love them so much and to remember all the laughing and silly bonding time we had together. I want them to be able to see that even though I cry a lot, I can still laugh. Even though it is the saddest summer that we’ve ever had. I cannot let my children drown in their sadness like I want to. I will not have them secluded and take away any more of their childhood, any more of their innocence. They deserve to have as much normalcy as possible.

After 25 years, the Loggerhead turtle grows into a big strong turtle and is no longer afraid of the ocean. She develops a big, hard shell and very thick skin. If you have ever lost a child, this is a necessity for survival. Especially if you have decided to share your inner most thoughts and feelings though a blog for everyone to read. You really need a thick skin for that one. Luckily, I have always had thick skin so I’ve pretty much got that covered. The hard shell can be for my hard head, as I tend to be pretty stubborn, or so I’ve been told. My point being, that while watching this movie today, and seeing how many obstacles this little turtle had to overcome to survive, I was forced to think about my new life without you, Ro. It is so hard to go on, move forward, and not want to just give in and sink to the bottom of the ocean. This little turtle could have easily given up. So could I. But I keep telling myself I am a  survivor just like the turtle.

JUNE 11th……………….

Ronan. I did not finish the post above due to falling asleep. I have no idea what was written above as I don’t go back and re read the things I write. I hope it made sense. I think I remember something about a turtle…….. Everything is blurry. I don’t even know what has happened since I last wrote. Except I am still in miserable, extreme pain. My head hurts, my shoulders still hurt, my toes hurt, my heart hurts….. everything hurts. I think I managed to run 6 miles last night though. I think I have managed to get out of bed the past couple of days…. although not until at least 11. I think yesterday was the 2 month date of you being gone. I remember staying up really late the night before and crying with your daddy. I remember waking up the next morning and my head felt so heavy that I could not get out of bed. I remember talking to Mr. Sparkly Eyes and just crying in the phone and telling him how I couldn’t get out of bed, how I couldn’t believe it had been 2 months. He begged me over and over to get up and get out of bed. I told him I could not. I laid there for an hour after talking to him and I couldn’t get the sound of his voice, out of my head. If it wouldn’t have been for his words, ringing in my ear and not going away, I wouldn’t have gotten up. I made myself get up out of bed. I think we went to the beach with Auntie Karen, Liz, and Olivia. I surfed. Quinn fell asleep in the sun. Later in the evening, as we all sat there together as the sun was setting; dolphins appeared. They always do for me. Auntie Karen said it was you. It made me smile. Last night, I fell asleep really early. Well, really early for me. I remember cuddling up with Quinny and we fell asleep around 11.

Today, I didn’t get up until 11. Seems like if I don’t have a reason to get out of bed, I’m just not going to. Your daddy was up with Quinn, playing video games. I texted Liz and asked what they were doing. They said they were going to the Farmer’s Market in Hillcrest. Your daddy, Quinn and I met them there. We walked around and ate some food. I bought some humus. That and rice pudding seem to be the only thing I can keep down. Weird combo. After the Farmers Market, Auntie Karen took Quinn home with them. Your daddy and I needed some time together. We walked back to our car and held hands. It felt nice. We decided to go and see a movie. We saw, “Horrible Bosses.” We both agreed it was o.k. We had some laughs.

Lots of signs have happened the past few days. It seems as everywhere I go…. Coldplay is on the radio. I swear, I heard it 4 times in a row a couple of days ago. We always loved to listen to them together. Something else happened today. After the movie, your daddy and I walked into Nordstrom Rack as it was right by the theater. He went off to look at ties and I was looking at shorts. There was a lady right next to me and her little girl, who looked to be about 3, was playing right by me. She was hiding underneath the clothing racks which was one of your favorite things to do. I heard her mom call out her name. It caught my attention. I looked up and said, “What’s your daughter’s name?” as I was sure I had heard her wrong. She goes, “Ireland.” I just looked at her, stunned. I told her how your daddy and I had picked that name out about 9 years ago if we ever had a girl. I then had to walk off because I just started bawling. I walked around and found your daddy. A few minutes later, the little girl and mommy walked past us. I pointed her out and told him what had just happened. He seemed a little shocked too. The fact that the name is so uncommon, that this Ireland girl just happened to be in the same spot as me, the way her mom just happened to call out her name……..it kind of shook me to the core today. I can’t stop thinking about it. I wonder if it was your way of telling me that you are still here. That you are really watching over me. I think it must be. I can’t think of any other reason that would have happened today. It had to be you.

I talked to Fernanda tonight. It has been so long since I have heard her voice. She is still in Mexico. She picked up the phone and goes, “Buenas!” I squeaked, “Fernanda…. hi….” She goes, “Who is this??” I said, “Maya.” She goes, “Oh, Maya, Maya, Maya……I miss you so.” I started sobbing into the phone. I was overcome with how much I miss her and thoughts of you. We talked for a good half an hour. She has been having such a hard time, just trying to get back to her normal life. It will never exist for her again either. We talked about you. How this feels like a life sentence. How cruel it was to have you and then to have you taken away. How if she hears one more person tell her God needed another angel she is going to fucking lose it. Fuck that saying. It’s bullshit and the only people that say that, are people who have never lost a child of their own. We talked about what we are going to do once school starts up again. How she will help me find my way because nothing that I do, if not in honor of you, will make any sense. We both want to do something more with our lives than driving freaking carpool. We both feel the need to help other babies and families. I don’t know how we will do this yet, but I promise you, something will be done. She will be here on Friday. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around her. I hate being so far away from her.

Quinn is asleep next to me. We had a good night together. I talked to Liam and he will be back tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see him. We have missed him so much. I am so proud of him for going to Washington without us. He is so brave and independent. I know he has had the best time. It meant so much to Nana and Papa.

Ok my baby boy. I’m going to try to get some rest. I miss you so much. I love you, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

And P.S. To all the people on my husband’s flight back to AZ tonight from San Diego….. you embarrass me. A family of 4 asked if anyone would switch seats with them so that the two parents could each be with one kid, so they wouldn’t have to be separated. NOBODY offered. Except Woody. My 6’6 husband gave up his aisle seat to sit in a middle for them. WTF is wrong with you people??? There should have been at least 10 people offering to give up their seats. Such little acts of kindness are things my husband has been doing his whole life. And he, the person who deserves it LEAST in this world, just had his son die of cancer. Fuck all you mean people. As my dear Charisma would say, “RUDE.” Miss you CC. Miss you Big Daddy Woo. Love you both.