It’s a real life Poppy!


Ronan. So, in this life now without you, you know I’m not used to really good things happening. Even when really good things happen to me, they always come with me thinking the worst case scenario for what could ultimately go wrong. It’s a given in this new life without you. The one that I am left here living, where I thought you would never die, because our love and those doctors, would save you. How I absolutely knew that nobody would ever make us be apart because the love between the two of us, was so strong and unlike anything the both of us had ever known. Of course you were going to get better. Of course you were going to survive. Yet, somehow… that was not the outcome. I will never know why and even if there was a reason written out in black and white, it wouldn’t be good enough. Nothing in this world will ever be worth the death of you. But, some really amazing things are happening due to your death. It feels so wrong to write that, but it is the truth. Had you not died, the things that the world is spitting out at me, would not be going on.

I told your Sparkly the other day, “If Ronan had to die, you can make damn sure I am going to make something amazing come from it. He will change the face of childhood cancer.” I hate that it had to be you. But baby, just maybe, someday, another little boy or girl won’t have to die from this disease because of the awareness you are bringing to it. We as a foundation, are preparing the best we can for all the good you are bringing. We’ve had a fire lit under us in the best way possible. I am thanking you, our love, and the most amazing people in the world who are so touched by our love story, that they want to help us change this. I am so amazed at the way you are still inspiring so many… but I was your mama, so it’s not surprising to me at all, Ro. Your beauty and spirit lives on through so many. I am trying to find comfort in that as much as I can. It truly is what keeps me going.

I had my first ultrasound today. The one where I got to see, (insert british accent here)”Poppy!” in a picture for the first time. Your daddy went with me. We were waiting for my OBGYN. The one who delivered all 3 of you. I was nervous. I told your daddy I expected there to be no baby, or for this baby to die. Am I an awful, wretched human being for saying those words? I thought I was for about .3 seconds, but then I decided I was not. I just know the worst now, so those thoughts are a given. Your daddy said, “The baby is not going to die.” I wanted to say, “That’s what you said about Ronan,” but I bit my tongue.” We went back to the ultrasound room. I wondered if Dr. Schwartz would bring you up. I had a panic attack thinking to myself, “What if she doesn’t acknowledge Ronan and what happened?” That would have destroyed me. She came into the room, Yelling about how she needed to make sure there weren’t two babies in my stomach. The mood quickly shifted after that after she told us she knew we had been through the ringer and how sorry she was. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing, feeling, and if I was still depressed. I told her I don’t think it’s depression after losing a child. I think it’s just a heavy grief that one will always have, but I am learning to manage it. She asked about medications. I told her I wasn’t on any. Your daddy piped in about Ambien but quickly corrected himself saying I hadn’t taken any since before Washington. So glad I threw that shit away. She asked if we were excited. I just answered her as honesty as possible. I said I was more just scared and nervous. She said she understood starting going on and on about how she knows I am going to have anxiety with this baby, times a million. She told me she would do ultrasounds on me every week if that’s what I wanted. I don’t know if that will be necessary, but I appreciated the offer. I cried a lot during my ultrasound due to missing you so freaking much. I heard Poppy’s heartbeat and I wish I could say it filled me with so much happiness and joy, but it didn’t. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I know this is going to take time. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. But my happiness comes with just as much sadness, too. I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It is what it is, Ronan. This baby will be good. I know this. This baby is going to be so unbelievably loved. This baby is going to be a part of you and what could be better than that, besides yourself? I love this baby already. But it doesn’t lessen this pain or make me miss you any less. If anything, it makes me miss you more.

Poppy is real. Poppy has a heartbeat. As of now, Poppy is safe. I know in my heart, that you will make sure this baby is going to be fine.

I just finished up a board meeting. Long night. Lots of love, excitement and laugher in our house tonight. I am so lucky, even without you here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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17 thoughts on “It’s a real life Poppy!

  1. Kim

    I’m so excited for you and the baby on the way. Everything is going to be okay. You’re right though, Ronan does inspire people. I know he has changed my life. I’ve shed many tears over him, and your story; the love that surrounded him, and continues to do so is beautiful. Sometimes I go and sit outside when everything in life feels wrong, and I look up at the sky, and find the brightest star, and it always brings Ronan to mind. The shine reminds me of him. How he was so brave, and stubborn, how he loved so pure, in only the way a child could. It reminds me of the beauty he brought to the world. He was wonderful. I hate having to say was. You have beautiful children with good hearts, always remember you have SO much support, and that you don’t need to be hard on yourself. Your situation is unimaginable for most people. ❤ chin up beautiful Mama Maya. If anyone in the world could have the strength to make it through anything it is you. I know you're going to do big things. 🙂

  2. Ali Barnes

    I’m pretty sure “Poppy” is the most loved and most anticipated baby in the entire world. I’m certain that Ronan has made sure you are surrounded by so much love and has brought so many amazing people into your life so you can somehow make it through. You are the strongest, most honest, most beautiful soul I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (and even though we’ve never met, that doesn’t get in the way of how much i care about you and your family). Thank you for continuing to take us on this amazing journey with you. It is an honour.

  3. Mama J

    Dearest Maya,
    I was so happy to read your words when you told us you were pregnant. I too think this baby will bring you happiness that you and your beautiful family need. This baby is a gift from your precious Ronan. I cant begin to imagine how bittersweet this all feels at the moment. Just know that Ronan is always with you and he will make sure Poppy is perfectly healthy. He is such a great big brother already 🙂 Dr. Kathleen Schwartz also delivered all 4 of my kiddo’s. She’s amazing and compassionate. I live in Anthem and tell your love story to all my mommy friends. We would love to get some braclets out here. If you so kindly could make a stop here in our little town on your way to see Dr JoRo we would be all so grateful. I think of you and Ronan every single day. Though I have 3 of my own little boys, I still think that Ronan is the most beautiful little boy I ever laid eyes on. I am so sorry that he was takin away from you because of the lack of awareness for this awful disease!!! You and Ronan WILL change the face of childhood cancer, I just know it!!! Because of you and your precious blue eyed spicy monkey I am a better mommy, wife, sister, daughter, and person, and for that I thank you. Xoxoxoxo

  4. Melissa V

    It is my hope that you will not encounter anyone needing their teeth knocked out because they are saying anything along the lines of sweet Poppy making this all better. Love and prayers to you and your precious family as you come into this new reality of new life and joy, yet forever pain and sadness. I am so sorry Ronan isn’t here to enjoy this time with you and your family.

  5. Daniella

    Ditto to loving the nickname!! If I could do anything for you (besides bring back Ronan) it would be to take away any and all of that nasty guilt you feel sometimes. I wish for you to be happy when you are happy and the freedom to feel sad when you feel sad. Poppy will be loved, no question, poppy is already loved. And loving Poppy doesn’t take away the grief, and for that matter loving Poppy doesn’t mean you love Ronan any less. You just feel free to feel whatever it is that comes up, no matter the timing (as if there is any good time to feel sad over losing Ronan). You are such a loving, honest, and powerful women – that Poppy is a lucky baby to have you as a Mama. Sending you thoughts of love, self forgiveness and calm. xoxo

  6. K mama

    Happy to hear things are going well with Poppy! You have the most precious of all lovies looking over you both and such a huge support system!! Great seeing how the world quakes with your determination, love and fight!

  7. amourningmom

    I know there is anxiety with any pregnancy but pregnancy after the death of one of your children is filled with off the charts levels of anxiety. I would always say that I am cautiously optimistic – it is next to impossible to be truly optimistic after your child has died. Sending you hugs and a big FU Cancer!!

  8. Sideqa Padawer

    I haven’t read you blog in almost a year. The reason was because I was pregnant, and night after night, I would sit and cry in my bed. It wasn’t healthy for me. I always continued to follow your Facebook page and never forgot about you or Ronan. When I revisted your blog today, and I found this post, it made me smile. I’m so happy to hear your new baby is healthy, and that you are so happy. The tone of your blog has changed, and I’m happy that you are working through this the best way you know how.

    I have never posted before, and I probably won’t again, but I thought you should know that I believe you are an inspiration!

    Best,
    Sideqa

  9. Anynomous

    The night that stand up to cancer was on i was thinking of suicide all day and highly considering committing. but after i heard Taylor Swift sing that beautiful song for Ronan i went online and found your blog and read all about your story and Ronan. After reading alot of it I thought “Why was i considering throwing away my life when Ronan had no other choice but to go?” I wish I could give him my life and let him live but I can’t so I’m going to live my life for Ronan and stay alive until God decides to take me off this Earth. Thank you Maya and thank you Ronan.

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