It’s a real life Poppy!

Ronan. So, in this life now without you, you know I’m not used to really good things happening. Even when really good things happen to me, they always come with me thinking the worst case scenario for what could ultimately go wrong. It’s a given in this new life without you. The one that I am left here living, where I thought you would never die, because our love and those doctors, would save you. How I absolutely knew that nobody would ever make us be apart because the love between the two of us, was so strong and unlike anything the both of us had ever known. Of course you were going to get better. Of course you were going to survive. Yet, somehow… that was not the outcome. I will never know why and even if there was a reason written out in black and white, it wouldn’t be good enough. Nothing in this world will ever be worth the death of you. But, some really amazing things are happening due to your death. It feels so wrong to write that, but it is the truth. Had you not died, the things that the world is spitting out at me, would not be going on.

I told your Sparkly the other day, “If Ronan had to die, you can make damn sure I am going to make something amazing come from it. He will change the face of childhood cancer.” I hate that it had to be you. But baby, just maybe, someday, another little boy or girl won’t have to die from this disease because of the awareness you are bringing to it. We as a foundation, are preparing the best we can for all the good you are bringing. We’ve had a fire lit under us in the best way possible. I am thanking you, our love, and the most amazing people in the world who are so touched by our love story, that they want to help us change this. I am so amazed at the way you are still inspiring so many… but I was your mama, so it’s not surprising to me at all, Ro. Your beauty and spirit lives on through so many. I am trying to find comfort in that as much as I can. It truly is what keeps me going.

I had my first ultrasound today. The one where I got to see, (insert british accent here)”Poppy!” in a picture for the first time. Your daddy went with me. We were waiting for my OBGYN. The one who delivered all 3 of you. I was nervous. I told your daddy I expected there to be no baby, or for this baby to die. Am I an awful, wretched human being for saying those words? I thought I was for about .3 seconds, but then I decided I was not. I just know the worst now, so those thoughts are a given. Your daddy said, “The baby is not going to die.” I wanted to say, “That’s what you said about Ronan,” but I bit my tongue.” We went back to the ultrasound room. I wondered if Dr. Schwartz would bring you up. I had a panic attack thinking to myself, “What if she doesn’t acknowledge Ronan and what happened?” That would have destroyed me. She came into the room, Yelling about how she needed to make sure there weren’t two babies in my stomach. The mood quickly shifted after that after she told us she knew we had been through the ringer and how sorry she was. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing, feeling, and if I was still depressed. I told her I don’t think it’s depression after losing a child. I think it’s just a heavy grief that one will always have, but I am learning to manage it. She asked about medications. I told her I wasn’t on any. Your daddy piped in about Ambien but quickly corrected himself saying I hadn’t taken any since before Washington. So glad I threw that shit away. She asked if we were excited. I just answered her as honesty as possible. I said I was more just scared and nervous. She said she understood starting going on and on about how she knows I am going to have anxiety with this baby, times a million. She told me she would do ultrasounds on me every week if that’s what I wanted. I don’t know if that will be necessary, but I appreciated the offer. I cried a lot during my ultrasound due to missing you so freaking much. I heard Poppy’s heartbeat and I wish I could say it filled me with so much happiness and joy, but it didn’t. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I know this is going to take time. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. But my happiness comes with just as much sadness, too. I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It is what it is, Ronan. This baby will be good. I know this. This baby is going to be so unbelievably loved. This baby is going to be a part of you and what could be better than that, besides yourself? I love this baby already. But it doesn’t lessen this pain or make me miss you any less. If anything, it makes me miss you more.

Poppy is real. Poppy has a heartbeat. As of now, Poppy is safe. I know in my heart, that you will make sure this baby is going to be fine.

I just finished up a board meeting. Long night. Lots of love, excitement and laugher in our house tonight. I am so lucky, even without you here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Hi. I’m in L.A. I like it here. Little 3,4, and 5 year old boys, who look like you, do not exist on Venice Beach.

Ronan. It’s been almost a week since I posted last. I know this usually means I’m in a dark space; but for once this has not been the case. It’s not that I have not been thinking about you, every waking second, because I have been and I always am. I guess I just needed to give myself a little break so I could survive the last week of Coronado Island of 3,4, and 5 year olds, everywhere. Your daddy made it in time to spend the evening of Father’s Day with us. Macy filled the role of the surrogate father for the day and as always, did an amazing job. She was supposed to fly home on Sunday night, but somehow I talked her into staying an extra day. It had nothing to do with the lazy day we spent laying on the beach, soaking up the sun, either. Well, o.k. that maybe had a little something to do with it, but I also know that she could sense that I needed her and she did really want to spend some time with your daddy as well. It was an o.k. day. We made it the best we possibly could for your daddy. It was hard to look into his eyes though and see the pain pouring out of them. A father should never be without any of his children, on Father’s Day, but your daddy, most of all. He is too good of a daddy to have to carry this never-ending pain around. I’m always so sorry and so sad for him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not see the constant sadness that fills his eyes, even when he is smiling. I know those eyes all too well as they are a reflection of mine.

The rest of the week was pretty low key. Lots of beach time. A little surfing. Some running. Basketball. A movie. Sleeping. No Ambien for me for a couple of weeks now. Dr. JoRo will be proud of that. I’m kind of proud of that too. I got a text message on Wednesday from our lovie, Charisma. It was more like, “OMG. When are you leaving San Diego? I can’t believe we did not meet up! Wanna make a trip to L.A. to see me?” You know how I LOVE spontaneous plans. I texted her back. “Yes. Let me work my magic. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m supposed to go back to AZ on Saturday, but let me talk to Woody.” I got home and told your daddy about what had come up. I think I spun it to him as, “Wooddawg. If I don’t go to L.A., who knows when I am going to get to see Charisma again and it’s already been way too long. She’s leaving for Austin to shoot the new series she just got picked up on, to become a regular. I NEED to give her a congrats hug and see my friend.” It didn’t take much convincing on my end. I offered to take one of your brothers with me as they could use the time apart anyway. Of course your Quinny chose to go with me and Liam chose to stay with your daddy. Quinn cannot seem to be separated from me and Liam seems to be stuck to your daddy like glue. Quinn and I hopped in the car super early on Friday morning to drive to L.A. It was a reunion that showed me much too much time had passed since I had last seen my friend. The last time I spent with her, was when she came out for your services and you know I don’t remember any of that. I’ve really missed her.

Quinn and I arrived and it felt so good to get the frick out of Coronado, and a change of scenery. There are no 3,4,5 year old boys, roaming around the streets of L.A. who all look like you. We spent the day at Venice Beach. I soaked up a day of sunshine with Charisma while your brother and D surfed. I soaked up the homeless bums who filled the boardwalk of Venice Beach. I caught up with my friend. I breathed. I exhaled. I needed to, otherwise I was going to burst. We had a nice lunch and an even better dinner at some to die for Mexican food restaurant. Everyone is snug as a bug in a rug now and sound asleep. All except me. My thoughts are swimming with all there is to do. How much I miss you. The awful way I left your daddy today which was which one of us, was going to take Ronan home. Which meant, who is taking your urn home full of your little body. Your daddy did. I took your GiGi with me, instead. We both felt you would be safer with your daddy. The fact that this conversation is now part of our normal lives leaves me sick to my stomach in a way that I am too tired to explain tonight. I’m getting sleepy. It’s 3 a.m. I mainly just wanted to check in. I know how my lovely little blog readers get when they don’t hear from me, for a while. They worry. They are the sweetest and I am thankful that they care so much. I am o.k. And for me, o.k. is as good as it gets. I am happy to have spent today in the presence of someone whom I think, hung the moon. You don’t get much better in life, than my dear friend, Charisma. She reminds me of all the pain in the world, while pointing out the beauty as well. She reminds me that they can coexist in a peaceful manner. She makes me laugh with her crazy car dancing and with her, the smiles are always true. There is no faking or forcing. There is no judgements or disappointments. There are only journeys and love. I like my world when I am with her. It gives me the break that I know I need and I know I deserve. She loved you so much.

I love you, Ronan. So much so, that I know we are going to do everything it is, that I want to do for you. I don’t care if it costs 150 billion dollars. You cannot put a price on our love and the power it has to change this cancer world in the way that it so desperately needs to be changed. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo

Texas and a Rockstar

Ronan. I am home from Texas. I am beat from all of our traveling and feel like I could sleep for a week. I went there for one reason and one reason only. I ended up leaving there being reminded of why I choose to do this. Of why I choose to continue this and not to give up. Because this is a choice that you have made for me and nobody else. I will forever listen to you. I had the chance to meet many other parents who are fighting this fight. Some of their kids have passed away. Some of their kids are still fighting and fighting hard. Nobody is giving up. If anything, these parents are fighting even harder for what was taken from them. Whether it be their child’s life or their child’s health. Nobody is going anywhere. None of these parents are giving up until childhood cancer starts getting the attention it deserves and until a cure for Neuroblastoma is found. No parent should have to endure what we have all had to endure. No child should have to fight childhood cancer, the way you did or the way these kids did or are. It’s not right. It’s not fair. And time is not on anybody’s side. The wheel of treating childhood cancer is a very slow moving wheel and if it continues to stay this way, nothing will change. This is not acceptable.

I was able to spend some time with the person I consider to be my ultimate Rockstar; besides you. I spent some time with Dr. Giselle Sholler. I’ve met her before, but this time I had the chance to spend some real quality time with her. She just might be one of the most amazing human beings put on this planet. And I’m not exaggerating. Not only is she a bloody genius, but she is so personable, normal and funny… all which blew my mind. We talked about a lot of things. Neuroblastoma things. You things. Yoga things. Surfing things. Family things. Disappointment things. Ultimate dream things. We share a lot of the same dreams. We laughed a lot. I was my bravest and strongest when talking about you and what it is that I want to see done. My ultimate dream. I did not cry. I held it together and gathered all of my strength and did not crumble. I was strong for you. I was strong for me. I was strong for the both of us. I think I did alright. Everything I am doing, is for you. You would not want this cancer world to be this way for anymore kids. You would not want this cancer world to be this way for anymore families. We went through enough. We went through way too much. We should not have been so alone, scared, broken, and left to fend and fight for every single thing, the way we had to. You know we can fix this and make this better. I will fix this for you because this is what you would want. I will fix this for you, because I can. I will fix this and make this world less scary and more HOPEFUL. (that was for you, Rita.) Hope. The word that seems lost on me but slowly it is starting to make its way back into my life a bit. It’s hard to believe in hope when all your hope was stolen away from you. I will never love that word again, but I am trying not to vomit every time I hear it. I had so much hope for you, little one. This is certainly not how I hoped this would end up. Which is why this is not the end. I will continue to go on because stopping now, would be unacceptable. I won’t let you down, Ronan.

I have been sleeping. Like really sleeping. Falling asleep easily at night and staying that way. No Ambien needed. I don’t know why I go through spurts of this but I just do. I still have moments all the time where I’m just about to fall asleep and I drift off, thinking of you. Just as I am about to fall asleep, I’ll have a vision of you dying and I am jolted out of my sleep, feeling like I have been stabbed and cannot breathe. Things like this happen to me all the time. I am sure it will always be this way. How could it not be? I came home from Texas feeling better than I have felt in a while. All that flew out the window as soon as I walked into our house. It’s hard for me to be here, without you. It brings your daddy comfort and peace. Our house, does not do this for me. Our house fills me with a sadness that never seems to lift. I think it slowly might be killing me. But I will find a way to manage this sadness as I am not about to uproot our family from this place that everyone else, seems to find comfort in. Especially your brothers. I think leaving here, the place where they seem to only have happy memories of you, would be really hard on them. I’d rather have it be hard on me, than them. So I will just continue to do what I am doing which is spend as little time here as possible, during the day when I am alone. And when I am here with your brothers and daddy, I will try to focus on their happiness, giggles, and laughter. Or I will sometimes give myself a break and pull the sheets over my head for an hour or so like I did today. I felt tired today for no reason other than I think I was just tired of missing you.

I was a good mom, today. I went with your daddy, Uncle Jay, Charlene, Liam and Quinn, to breakfast. They all rode their bikes. I ran. I ran beside Liam and picked him up when he fell. A fall that happened so hard and so fast, that I ended up falling on top of him as I was running really closely behind him. He was o.k., just scared. He still is not a big fan of the whole bike riding thing. Quinn does it so effortlessly. Liam does not. He is still wobbly and unsure of himself. Our bike rides always kill me because they remind me of how much you loved to ride your bike. How much time the two of us spent, practicing and how proud you were of your bike riding skills. You would have totally had your training wheels off by now. You would have ridden circles around Liam. I cannot believe you are not here, to do this with us. Bike rides will never be the same for me again which is maybe why I chose to run. Either that or maybe because I have a little 26.2 miles to run in less than 2 weeks. Errrr…. I’m not sure how I’m going to pull this one off. I might be getting a little nervous for it only because I remember how hard I trained when I ran my one and only full marathon in NYC. I trained like crazy and I still thought it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I have not trained a lick for this one. I guess I feel like I am running a marathon, everyday of my life now. That is how much having you gone, hurts. Nothing can be as hard as losing you, right? I think I’ll run this thing numb while pouring all of my anger/hurt/heart and soul into it. Those things alone should get me through it. Those things and knowing that I am doing this for you and all of those other kids who will never get to run a marathon because they were cheated out of life. If I don’t die doing this, I think I might be kind of awesome for doing this. I think it might be something that will make me smile. 26.2 here I come!!

I spent the rest of this Sunday, being productive. I have a board meeting tomorrow night so I met up with my secret board member (Becca) and my other awesome secret board member (thiscrazychickwhoskydivessolo) to go over some things. We sat around and to updated some things on your foundation website and hashed out some other details about some things going on. I had a breakdown in the middle of a parking lot due to a phone call that I had in my car. I was thankful for the friend that was there to give me a hug when I needed it. It’s not always good to be alone in dealing with this. Sometimes a hug, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, help. I was thankful for that Rita today, as I am every single day. How did you know, I needed her so much when I wasn’t even aware that I needed her so much? I don’t know where I would be without her and that is the Rohonest truth. I am lucky to have her.

Your brothers are sleeping. Your daddy is out for a bit seeing some friends. I am tired and have a lot to do this week. I need to get some shut eye. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo