Ronan. So, in this life now without you, you know I’m not used to really good things happening. Even when really good things happen to me, they always come with me thinking the worst case scenario for what could ultimately go wrong. It’s a given in this new life without you. The one that I am left here living, where I thought you would never die, because our love and those doctors, would save you. How I absolutely knew that nobody would ever make us be apart because the love between the two of us, was so strong and unlike anything the both of us had ever known. Of course you were going to get better. Of course you were going to survive. Yet, somehow… that was not the outcome. I will never know why and even if there was a reason written out in black and white, it wouldn’t be good enough. Nothing in this world will ever be worth the death of you. But, some really amazing things are happening due to your death. It feels so wrong to write that, but it is the truth. Had you not died, the things that the world is spitting out at me, would not be going on.
I told your Sparkly the other day, “If Ronan had to die, you can make damn sure I am going to make something amazing come from it. He will change the face of childhood cancer.” I hate that it had to be you. But baby, just maybe, someday, another little boy or girl won’t have to die from this disease because of the awareness you are bringing to it. We as a foundation, are preparing the best we can for all the good you are bringing. We’ve had a fire lit under us in the best way possible. I am thanking you, our love, and the most amazing people in the world who are so touched by our love story, that they want to help us change this. I am so amazed at the way you are still inspiring so many… but I was your mama, so it’s not surprising to me at all, Ro. Your beauty and spirit lives on through so many. I am trying to find comfort in that as much as I can. It truly is what keeps me going.
I had my first ultrasound today. The one where I got to see, (insert british accent here)”Poppy!” in a picture for the first time. Your daddy went with me. We were waiting for my OBGYN. The one who delivered all 3 of you. I was nervous. I told your daddy I expected there to be no baby, or for this baby to die. Am I an awful, wretched human being for saying those words? I thought I was for about .3 seconds, but then I decided I was not. I just know the worst now, so those thoughts are a given. Your daddy said, “The baby is not going to die.” I wanted to say, “That’s what you said about Ronan,” but I bit my tongue.” We went back to the ultrasound room. I wondered if Dr. Schwartz would bring you up. I had a panic attack thinking to myself, “What if she doesn’t acknowledge Ronan and what happened?” That would have destroyed me. She came into the room, Yelling about how she needed to make sure there weren’t two babies in my stomach. The mood quickly shifted after that after she told us she knew we had been through the ringer and how sorry she was. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing, feeling, and if I was still depressed. I told her I don’t think it’s depression after losing a child. I think it’s just a heavy grief that one will always have, but I am learning to manage it. She asked about medications. I told her I wasn’t on any. Your daddy piped in about Ambien but quickly corrected himself saying I hadn’t taken any since before Washington. So glad I threw that shit away. She asked if we were excited. I just answered her as honesty as possible. I said I was more just scared and nervous. She said she understood starting going on and on about how she knows I am going to have anxiety with this baby, times a million. She told me she would do ultrasounds on me every week if that’s what I wanted. I don’t know if that will be necessary, but I appreciated the offer. I cried a lot during my ultrasound due to missing you so freaking much. I heard Poppy’s heartbeat and I wish I could say it filled me with so much happiness and joy, but it didn’t. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I know this is going to take time. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. But my happiness comes with just as much sadness, too. I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It is what it is, Ronan. This baby will be good. I know this. This baby is going to be so unbelievably loved. This baby is going to be a part of you and what could be better than that, besides yourself? I love this baby already. But it doesn’t lessen this pain or make me miss you any less. If anything, it makes me miss you more.
Poppy is real. Poppy has a heartbeat. As of now, Poppy is safe. I know in my heart, that you will make sure this baby is going to be fine.
I just finished up a board meeting. Long night. Lots of love, excitement and laugher in our house tonight. I am so lucky, even without you here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
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