Turns out Maybelline Great Lash Mascara isn’t so great when you’re a bloody mess


Ronan. Finally, I can sit down and have some time with you. I hate that I haven’t been able to write, let alone breathe lately. I’ve been so unbelievably busy that I swear by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I am out like a light. Such a change from how things used to be. I miss my insomnia nights where I used to stay up and write to you. Poppy has been keeping me incredibly busy. I forgot how time-consuming this whole breast-feeding thing is and your little sister has such an appetite that I swear I am feeding her around the clock. I know it’s what’s best for her and I love spending the time with her doing it, but it does leave little time to get things done around here. I’m just trying to soak it all in still because I know how quickly this time passes. Things are still going amazing with that little sister of yours. She is still a happy girl and is sleeping at night like a champ. None of us can get enough of her. I won’t let her out of my sight and she goes everywhere with me. She even went to her first board meeting the other night and didn’t make a peep as everyone passed her around to love on her. The amount of love for this baby girl blows me away. It’s like she’s getting double the dose from everyone due to the impact you’ve had on all of us, Ronan. She is so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing souls. I can only imagine what an amazing little human being this will make her. Tomorrow, she will already be 2 months. It has flown by so fast and she is changing so much. She’s now doing really cute things like smiling and cooing at us all. Macy swears she can understand everything we are saying and she trying to have a conversation back with us. The way her eyes look at all of us while we are talking to her makes me think she is right. This Poppy girl already seems to know so much.

Your brothers are out of school. Normally, we would be in San Diego by now but this year we decided to take a little break. Your daddy was burnt out on it and I don’t blame him. One more year of going to the same spot where we always took you, without you was going to be too much for me to handle. I almost had a nervous breakdown last year. Too many almost 4-year-old blond-haired boys running about. Too many swimming pools without you in it. Too much of everything I pretty much never care to see again. It wasn’t therapeutic and it wasn’t healthy for me to be there last year and I have no interest in returning back to a place that I so desperately want to be the same, but it never will be the same again. So we are still in AZ. Your brothers have started a basketball camp which they love but it’s only for a couple of hours a day. The rest of our days have mostly been spent just hanging out having play dates, swimming, and they have helped me with a lot of things around here. We have our little, Rachel, in from NYC. I love having her here so much. We all do. Just another one of those amazing things to come from this blog and from you. She is our family and I love seeing her with your Poppy sister. Now, if I could only get her to move in and be our nanny;) Something tells me that would not be enough to keep our little smarty pants I just graduated NYC and now am working at Columbia University entertained. I am so proud of her and all she is doing. Macy calls her Saint Rachel because she is that amazing at 22. I feel so blessed to have come across this soul who is now a part of our family. We are all going to miss her so much when she leaves. Hopefully she will come out to Washington and visit us when we are there this summer.

That is what we are doing this summer. I am taking your brothers and sister to Nana and Papa’s house. It’s all your brothers have been talking about for months. I’ve been having to listening to them begging to go out earlier, but we had some things to take care of around here first. Believe me, I am just as excited as they are. I miss my parents and my childhood house where I always feel so safe and sound at, even under the shittiest of circumstances. It will be nice to have help with your sister and brothers. Washington is my place of peacefulness where I feel like I can actually breathe for a little bit. And no almost 4 year old blond boys exist. It will be nice to take a little break from the rat race that I often get caught up in here. I have lots of plans that mostly consist of no plans at all, besides spending a ton of time with your brothers and Papa Jim doing our favorite things like fishing, hiking, playing hide and seek until dark, and enjoying all the beauty the pacific northwest has to offer this time of year, including hopefully many days of rain. Please, please, please Washington rain gods, work your magic. I have been missing our rain so much, Ro.

We had a board meeting the other night. We have so many things in the works and so much coming up. A few top secret things that involve a kick ass rockstar. We still have not heard back on the petition to light the Whitehouse Gold for September. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I am still hoping for the best. After the board meeting, I told your daddy I would have Fernanda drive me home because I needed to spend some time with her. We had a lot to talk about and as always, it circled back around to you. I know you know how I am. I don’t let my guard down in front of many people. I much prefer to do all of my crying alone, and don’t often do I do it in front of others. There are only a handful of people who I am comfortable enough with to let everything out. I’ve never had a guard up with Fernanda which is why after our little pow wow, I could barely get my ass back into our house because I was seriously blinded by my tears and the fucking cheap ass mascara I wore that day. Remind me never to wear a different brand of mascara than I normally do. I came into the house, my eyes were black and stinging so badly from the mascara running in them, that I had your daddy in a complete panic. I ran to the bathroom to take out my contacts and wash my face while your daddy hovered over me begging me to tell him what was wrong. It’s the same thing it always is, Ronan. You are dead, I would give anything to have you back, I sometimes still don’t want to be here, because I just want to be with you, where are you? who is taking care of you? and why can’t it be me? Everything in my body still yearns for you, screams for you, begs for you in the worst way. Sometimes your daddy and I sit and bed at night and whisper secrets.

“Do you ever think Poppy has parts of Ronan?” he asked me the other night.
I quietly said, “Yes.”

“Me, too.” he said. “Is that wrong?”

I just told him through my tears, “If it gets us through this, does it really matter?”

I don’t think that it does, Ronan. She is parts of you without a doubt. Just like Liam and Quinn are, too. Many days I catch glimpses of you through your brothers and it helps me in a way. I see you in Quinn’s still sometimes with his mischievous ways. I see you in Liam’s strength and the way he carries himself so proud, like you always did. Poppy feels like you. She reminds me of you. I know you sent her to me to give me a little piece of you back. And some days I think you sent her to me to give me a lot of you back. I don’t care how whack-a-doodle that sounds. Thinking that way helps me to survive this insanely painful life without you here. I can’t tell your baby pictures apart. I can’t get over that she has the same little secret dimple that you had only when you smiled in the same exact spot. It gives me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time. I like living in this Poppyland. It feels o.k. again. Some days it even feels good.

Alright little man. I miss you so much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams baby doll. G’nite.


P.S. Please keep our Kassie safe while she is away on her amazing African adventure. I know she took you with her. Thanks, baby.

P.P.S. Does anybody know anybody high up at our local cable company Cox Communications?? Woody went to tour one of our Ronanld McDonald Houses here today because we are looking to help them with some of their wish list items. We would like to make some things better for the families that have to stay there. Turns out, they don’t have the place wired for cable because Cox wants to charge them full price and won’t give them a discount. Seriously? That makes me so mad. I love it when people try to make money off of people who are going through a hard time. It’s a freaking non-profit, Cox Communications. Give me a break. I might like to write them a little letter or speak to somebody who is higher up over there. Thanks, lovies for anything you can do.


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29 responses to “Turns out Maybelline Great Lash Mascara isn’t so great when you’re a bloody mess”

  1. Stay strong, Maya! You have the sweetest baby girl and lovely boys to keep you going. I admire you A LOT. And I am only 15 years old. Much, much love from Puerto Rico!! We love Ro! ♥

  2. She is so freaking adorable; Woody’s little mini-me! I can’t get over how much she looks like Ronan.
    Wishing you a peaceful (and rainy!) summer in Washington.

  3. Lately, your posts always leave me in tears. I can feel your pain amidst your joy over Poppy…and that has to be one of the saddest truths… that we can be this sad and happy at the same time… SIGH. I love you Maya, I love your whole family, and most of all, I am head over heels in love with Ronan… That video of him when he is saying he wants to be an army guy, and then you ask who his best friend is…and he replies “mama”… that video pierces my heart. It almost feels like he was a dream, a beautiful gorgeous perfect dream… I am so sorry Maya, I will always be sorry that you had to go through something like this…. i hope and pray that wherever he is, he is ok, and that he is happy and safe.

  4. elementsofblindness Avatar

    Also, Poppy is precious. She does look so much like Ronan, and she’s got those big beautiful blue eyes… I love her name. It is perfect for her. And you are right, she will be loved so much…and that will make her the most amazing soul.

  5. I love you!

  6. Hope you have a rainy, lovely summer dear. Wish I knew someone at Cox cable for you!

  7. So glad to hear an update…I’ve been missing hearing how you’re doing! Poppy is jusf beautiful ❤

  8. Happy 2 mos Popstar!

  9. Hi Maya! I gave a shout-out to my Uncle that knows a few peeps at Cox. Not sure if he can make anything happen but figured it would be worth a try. Happy to read that all is well in Poppyland and loving the updates. Stay strong Mama Maya!! Love ya! xoxo

  10. Poppy is SO freakin cute!! Thank you so much for sharing her with all of us. I could stare at her pictures all day long. Absolute CUTENESS. And SO looks like Ronan….

    Next – this is really weird timing. About Cox Communications. Earlier this morning I was looking up the weather report for today (I’m in Washington – you know it always changes!) and a side bar showed an article “5 Richest Women in America” and I was curious. Clicked on it and read about these 5 women. ONE of which is Anne Cox Chambers (daughter of the founder of Cox Communication). Had I not read this, I would have bypassed your PSS. note about anyone with info to help contact Cox Communications… Go straight to the source Maya. If anyone can make this happen, its YOU and Ronan! I say contact Anne DIRECTLY. Some how, some way, get ahold of her and don’t stop contacting her until she (or of course her “assistant” or whoever) gets back to you. There’s no way she can turn you & Ronan down! Here’s the article: http://www.investopedia.com/slide-show/richest-women/ GO May go!

  11. Poppy is so perfect, just like Ro 🙂 I’m praying to Ro for tons of rain for you this summer, I just know it will happen. I hope someone kcal can talk to the higher ups at Cox, that’s awful that they are not being more considerate and compassionate. Keep those pictures of Poppy coming, they make my day 🙂

  12. you are wonderful

  13. So glad that all is well in Poppyland. She is adorable. I think it makes perfect sense that parts of her are from Ronan and that he sent her. I often think that Jake (our son who died) sent us our twins – and I know I could not survive in this world without them.

    Sending hugs and hope. FU Cancer!!

  14. Sarah Milhollen Avatar
    Sarah Milhollen

    Poppy girl is most definitely made up of Ro! It was scientifically proven that mama passes cells from each of her children down to the next. She is him and he is she. So beautiful. You are far from crazy miss Maya, you are the wisest of them all.


  15. The peace that you are feeling from Poppy, the moments of joy, the similarities to Ronan, the fact he told you he wanted a little sister- it seems too obvious to me that Ronan has come back to you, in a way, through Poppy. She is an individual, but she is definitely a gift from Ronan. I don’t believe that people that we love ever really leave us, how could they? They are with us everyday, in their own little way.

    There is a lot of love out here for your family, and for you Maya. I have only known your family through your blog, but seeing how happy your little girl has made your family has been amazing. It is awful to hear when you have had a particularly hard day, but I am so glad that Ronan has sent Poppy to make you smile.

    PS Your friends sound awesome!

  16. Poppy is so beautiful and I can’t believe how big she has grown. She is just precious.

  17. Poppy is absolutely a part of Ronan…and Ronan is a part of her. She is a gift to brighten your world and lift up that heavy, heavy heart of yours.
    P.S. I’ll totally come and be your nanny if Rachel doesn’t want the job!

  18. It is so crazy how much Poppy looks like RONAN. She is beautiful, just like him. I am so glad you are doing things for your Ronald McDonald House. I volunteered at mine for a short time and they needed flat screen tvs. Not for the technology, but to get them up on the wall were little ones wouldn’t play with the knobs and lose them. It would also make room in the rooms. It is a beautiful thing that you are helping them. Good luck with the cable.

  19. Hi, Maya. I have been reading your blog lately. I first found out about Ronan from the Taylor Swift song, which led me to this site. Your story is so inspiring and heart breaking at the same time, I admire you. I am a twelve year old girl and not a mom, but I can’t imagine going through this with anyone I love. I read your older posts about when Ronan was sick. I have a friend who’s dad has stage 4 cancer, and she always tells me “everything happens for a reason,” Reading this, I can’t imagine how she can think that. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be praying for you and you’ve changed my view on life. And I know you’re right that Ronan is still with you. I hope that a cure is found someday soon for this terrible disease. Yours, Bianca.

  20. Maya, you have helped me become a better mother. I have read every single one of your blogs and I anxiously wait your next one. I have read every single one bawling my eyes out thinking “what if that were my little baby Graison or Rayedyn”. I too have a serious bond with my baby boy. He is my whole world. I could never imagine how you are doing this thing called life. I praise you. I love your truth to everything and I feel like I’m right there beside you when I read what you write. You are a beautiful person and so is your little Ro baby. I live in Oregon and we drive to see my husband’s family in Gig Harbor, Washington. When I drive through your hometown, I automatically think of you. Would love to meet you:) God bless you, think about you and Ronan almost every single day.

  21. Kathi Pilcher Avatar
    Kathi Pilcher

    Love the pictures of Miss Poppy. She is a beautiful baby and lucky to be in such a loving family. Love hearing that our great NW brings you peace and comfort. My son Shane whom went to school with you is expecting his first in Nov. They live in Phoenix also and this Grandma is looking forward to having his babies spend some summer time here in the NW with Grammy and Papa 🙂

  22. where are you? who is taking care of you? and why can’t it be me? Maya, that breaks my heart all over again. I remember always wondering that after my boys died. Poppyland…. I love that one! Wishing you gentle days, hugs!!

  23. Maya, my brother is a project manager at Cox
    In Phoenix. He has some connections. What do you need? My email is Espanara24@me.com. Happy to help if I can!
    xoxo robin aka Rolovie.

  24. Happy birthday to the best big brothers ever !
    Roro loves you Liam&Quinn, so proud of you !

  25. Maya,

    Did you get any help regarding the cable lines at the Ronald McDonald House? My husband and I own a audio/video company!!!

    Also, since I started following your blog back in September, I have always had this gut feeling that Poppy WAS sent from Ronan!!! I also felt that Poppy was a piece of Ronan brought back to you.

    Always ready to kick cancers ass with you!!!!!!

  26. As always beautiful lovely Poppy!!!!

  27. As always lovely beautiful Poppy…

  28. Wow- the resemblance is unmistakeable. I remember reading… he wanted a sister- and he made it happen… sent her down as a carbon copy, so that there is no mistaking that he had his beautiful hands in this. What precious little spirits to embrace each day… ❤

  29. Hiya! I simply wish to give an enormous thumbs
    up for the great info youve here on this post. I might be coming back to your weblog for extra soon.

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