Fake it till you Make it


Ronan. Hi baby doll. So, last night…. not so much fun. I fell asleep from 11-1. Was up from 1-4:00. Slept from 4-6:00. Rise and shine, adrenaline pumping. I could not sleep last night to save my life. I wandered around the house, looking for you. I went into your room and wrote. I sat and cried. I took more Melatonin. It didn’t really work. I know why. It’s because today is Esther’s 4 months since she passed away. I was worried about Doriet. I called her this morning, after I took your brothers to school and had some time before I went to see Dr. Joanne. I needed to hear her voice and to let her know I was thinking of her. It felt good to talk to her and tell her I love her. I do. I told her I would come and see her. I really want to. I really need to. I will.

I saw Dr. Joanne today. I took your “GiGi,” blanket with me and wore my locket full of your ashes. We went over the worksheet today that she had me do. I started to cry as soon as we started going over it. She said I was really feeling it today. I was. We talked a lot about you. We talked a lot about me. I told her about the strong desire I have to still take care of you. How taking care of you, now comes in the form of taking care of me. I told her that I feel like I have to hit rock bottom, how I have to walk through Hell and back, to get through this. I told her how you are worth every amount of blood, sweat and tears that I have in my body. We talked a lot about expectations. She is glad that I am strong enough to stick up for myself and go through this the way I need to. Not the way anybody else thinks I should. I love her. She is such a powerful soul. She told me today that she can tell I feel like I have one foot in the world of the living, and one foot in the world of the dead. She gets it. She was exactly right. Nobody can understand the true pain of losing a child, unless you are a bereaved mother yourself. This journey is mine and mine alone. Nobody else’s. I am o.k. with that. I prefer it like that. The session was good.

We were about to end on a pretty good note, but then I had to pull out the journal that I found while cleaning out my desk a few days ago. I guess deep down, I’ve always been a writer. I’ve written for as long as I can remember. Never anything I was serious about, but I’ve always loved it. My words have always been hauntingly honest and insightful, but I never bothered to share them with anyone but myself. I never thought I was any good at it. Never had a reason to be. I found some really disturbing words written down, 2 days after your diagnoses. Call them my insightful ways. UGH. She sat with my words for a while and seemed taken aback. She was going to give me some homework, but decided we are going to take my words, and have me sit with them and to talk to you about the things I had written. To listen to what I would hear you say, back to me. I can do this. I can do anything for you.

I came home from Dr. Joanne and changed my clothes. I went and checked some things off of my “Shit List.” I went Inferno Hiking. I had a conversation in my head with the pretend paramedic who I was going to need to save me from that Pink Rattlesnake I’ve been dreaming about. I told the pretend paramedic that I was not afraid to die from the poisonous venom of a rattlesnake. That if my time was up, than my time was up. I told him how I had you waiting for me and if we were meant to be reunited, my life, would be ending in exactly the way that it was supposed to. I told him how you must miss me so much, that you are ready to have me back taking care of you again. I told him how I was not scared at all and I said all of this with a smile on my face. I have conversations in my head all day long with people I don’t even know. I have conversations with you a lot. “Landslide,” played on my iPod. I looked behind me when Stevie Nicks sang,

“I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down.”

I turned around and looked for you. I couldn’t see you. I cried as I ran as fast as I could up the mountain today. I screamed for you. I whispered for you. I listened for you. I pretended to see you, running up the hill behind me. I wished for death. It didn’t happen. I ran as fast as I could back down the mountain, hoping to fall and break my arm. Anything to feel a break from this pain of living without you. I made it to the bottom, soaking wet, but safe and sound. Guess today was not my day to walk with you again. To hold you sweet, soft hand and kiss your perfectly plump lips. It’s days like today, that I almost cannot take being without you. I tried to eat lunch. That went over really well. I threw it all up.

I picked up your brothers. They were so happy and excited to tell me all about their day. The good grades they got on their spelling tests, math test, AR Reading points…… They are happy. They are coming to terms with the fact that you are gone and are not coming back. They are so full of hope that the fact that it is not infectious to me makes me think that I am seriously disturbed. NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPY. NOTHING. Try swallowing the guilt that comes from that. I hope someday that I will be happy again. But I am not going to walk around and pretend that I am. Fake it till you make it. As Dr. Joanne said, I sure do put on a good game face. The best I told her.

I took your brothers to Sauce for an after school snack. I sat and watched as they gobbled up pizza and engaged with them, smiled for them, laughed with them. It was fucking exhausting. Also, I’m sure the fact that I had almost no sleep last night, didn’t help. We came home, emptied out their backpacks and lunch boxes and went over their homework. I told them they could have a break, some down time. I crawled under the covers. Your Daddy came home soon after that. I fell asleep for about a half an hour. I woke up to your Daddy, telling me he was going to take your brothers to play basketball. He asked if I wanted to go. I quietly told him, “No,” as the tears slid down my cheek. I felt like I had been run over by a bus. Soon the house was quiet and empty. I got up, unloaded the dishwasher and did all the good mommy/wife things that I am supposed to be doing. I called your Nana, whom I never talk to anymore. I felt guilty as she picked up and I could hear the excitement in her voice. We talked for a few minutes. She told me she is worried about me not eating. She told me she doesn’t want me to end up in the hospital. I told her, “Who cares.” She tried to gently scold me, all while telling me she wasn’t judging me. I told her I knew that. I know she does not. She is a good mom. I promise to call her more often.

I’m going to go now baby doll. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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17 thoughts on “Fake it till you Make it

  1. Laura

    You are making progress, I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are. It is baby steps, one day at a time. Do try to sleep and eat, you will get through this in better shape.our thoughts, love and prayer go out to your entire family. Hope you feel how many people love and are pulling for you. You are amazing, keep writing, hopefully your powerful words will heal you while helping others.

  2. Lynn Woodard

    I wish there was a way to take some of your pain away. The picture of you and Ro broke my heart, again. There is much love sent to you, Woody, Liam and Quinn and I know you feel it.

  3. Therese in Ireland

    Jesus. It’s so hard to read your words and see the pain you’re in, it’s almost palpable. You have a way of conveying your feelings that is unique and as heart-breaking and upsetting as it is to read them, it’s important to all of us who follow you to know how you’re doing. Your stunningly beautiful little boy has stolen my heart and I pray to God every day that you will find some comfort and peace. There isn’t a word in existence to describe how utterly unjust this is. The fact that you’re such an amazing person, amazing Mum, gives me some comfort as I know that Ronan felt nothing but love while he was with you. And your love for him is so strong that he simply has to feel it still. It’s good to hear that Liam and Quinn are doing well, at least that’s something. Praying and hoping for some kind of release from this pain for you and your family.

  4. Jaime Harris

    I’m so sorry Maya 😦 I’m sorry yesterday was hard for you. I pray for you every day through this whole ordeal! I hope today is a bit better in some way. I can’t imagine. It’s so hard. Please know you have many prayers and thoughts of love sent your way each and every day! God bless…
    xoxo

  5. Sue Brigman

    Am so proud of yor strength & determination, Maya. You try your hardest, I know, althouch the process will be so very slow & endless. And am so very glad you called your Mom. I will be able to see her excitement in her eyes and I know we’ll hug extra hard. Never forget that she’s your Mom & feels your pain so terribly much. Once a Mom, always a Mom. Again, keep up your good, but very hard job, with love from Sue in Longview

  6. koverman

    Maya, I have a friend who lost her child to an accidental drowning a few years ago. She then got pregnant with another baby about 6 months later. She didn’t do it to replace the sweet baby girl she lost, but she DID say that it really helped her find purpose in being a mom again and helped heal a lot of hurts she had. I am curious to know to your opinion on this. Is this something you would ever consider? Do you want to have more kids after all of this? I am an avid reader of your blog and love you and your family SO MUCH! Sorry if these questions come off to you as insensitive, you can definitely chose to ignore them 🙂
    Hoping my head doesn’t get bit off by your followers… love and prayers sent your way momma bear!

  7. Marian (@MarianCutler)

    Feeling your pain, but also feeling your push towards transcendence. As you sit with your words from the early days of diagnosis I hope Ronan talks to you. I hope he can break through to help you break through. Sending hope, faith and trust in a better tomorrow (whenever that tomorrow may come).

    Marian

  8. Daniella

    Having never been through anything like this I cannot pretend to understand your grief. Every once in a while I read something you wrote and I have a moment of intense overwhelming pain and confusion, it feels like someone threw a brick at my chest. I am so sorry that this is more than just a moment for you in your life right now. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. Like you said, this journey of grief is yours and yours alone. I know that sharing it with all of us does not mean really “sharing” your grief, but none the less I hope you can take some comfort (even if it’s just for a moment) in knowing that there are those of us out there who feel simple but powerful love for you and your family and of course for sweet Ro. I hope tomorrow brings you some good moments.

  9. Lynn Evans

    Two words, no…three: Liam-Quinn-Woody. Nothing can hurt Ronan anymore. But the other 3 men in your life are as vulnerable as you are. They love you just as much as you love Ro. They feel your sadness even tho it may not manifest itself in the same way. Those three man/boys deserve to live the best life with you in it. Ro’s memory will help you get thru this. Carry his sweet smile with you every day. Think of your locket being his smile. Q-L-W are trying to help you too, let them. They need you healthy.
    You can’t change Ronan’s future but you can change the life your family lives. I have Ro’s picture on my fridge so I see it every day and reminds me to LIVE. For me that is to give back, I try to be positive with a smile or a friendly comment, I try to look thru the eyes of others. We that can make choices – must, for those that can not make choices, to live on.
    Hugs, Lynn
    (when I was depressed & sick and couldn’t keep food down, I would eat cream of wheat or Malto meal hot cereal thinned with milk and drink it. 🙂

  10. Hilary

    Warm Wednesday wishes for you. I hope today will be sparkly and for you to have more peace in your heart. I wish so much that Ro was there in person holding your hand as you go about your day – always together. But I hope you feel him beside you and get that twinkly sign that he with you in spirit. He is there and your love for each other means he will always be. Big love xx

  11. Desiree

    Daniella said it perfectly: “Every once in a while I read something you wrote and I have a moment of intense overwhelming pain and confusion, it feels like someone threw a brick at my chest. I am so sorry that this is more than just a moment for you in your life right now.”

    I read your words and feel this same way, and when I see the photos of you and Ronan together it’s an even bigger brick, and my heart stops beating for a second… I’m so sorry you have to experience this on an even bigger, greater, unimaginable, unbearable scale. I think of you EVERY day and like so many others have said, we don’t even know you personally but are sending you SO much love & support across the miles…

  12. Melissa

    You don’t know me…I’m just a stranger who reads your blog, but I felt compelled to tell you how much I think of your family and your sweet Ro. Know that you are loved…if even by strangers.

  13. Kimball Arnold

    Today is the 18th anniversary of my son, Tres (Thomas the third) death and I miss him everyday. He would be 35 now and I wonder who he would have grown up to be. He blessed our lives greatly and sure was loads of fun. Up to mischief, he was so good at taking things apart to see how they worked. One day, he took apart a desk telephone to see what it looked like inside so naturally I had no choice but to go buy a new one! When he was a toddler, he took apart his dresser! Everyone in our family talks on this day in particular and share wonderful memories of Tres and his life. As much as I miss him, I will tell you we are survivors and have found peace and happiness in our lives. So, I understand what you go through.
    Love, Kimballs

  14. Glenda

    Maya,

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Thinking of Woody, Liam and Quinn. They are your strength and foundation…they need you… just as much as you need them…. they love you… they need you healthy… together you guys will find the peace and strength…

    xo

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