For you, I swear.

Ronan. It’s days like today, that scare the shit out of me…. because they do not. I don’t have ANYTHING I’m scared of anymore. I have things I worry about, of course. Obsessively. But fear does not register anymore. It’s weird to live so freely, yet so contained. My mind is going a million miles an hour today, with no end in sight. I feel like I’m on that carnival ride, the Tilt a Whirl, and I cannot get off. Life is just spinning, spinning, spinning…. everything is out of control, moving so quickly, and never slowing down or stopping when it should be. You died. The world should have ended too. It would have made sense to me, if it did. The pain I feel from losing you is so great, that I feel as if everyone else should be feeling it too. I know there are people, who are feeling a great deal of sadness from losing you. People you didn’t even know. People who you did know. Like your Godmama, Tricia Boo. Whom I sat with and had frozen yogurt with. I sat in the dark with her and listened to her tell me how she went out on Friday night because she is young, gorgeous, single, and that is exactly what she SHOULD be doing. She sat and cried to me and told me how guilty she felt about going on, about living life, because she never wants me to think for a second that she is not thinking of you, how unfair this all is, and how fucked up everything turned out. She sat there and tried to justify the happiness that she should be feeling, but she just is not because she is so jaded by this world. It hurt me to hear her say these things because all I want for her is to live her life, without having to worry that I think she is being disrespectful. I took some time to sit quietly with what she was saying to me and I finally just looked at her and told her I basically never wanted to hear those words, come out of her mouth again. That I never want her to worry that she could be offending me or hurting me, because she could not. And if she ever did, I would let her know. I told her how I know how much she loves you and she does not need to prove anything to me. Ever. I told her I am aware of the friends in our lives, who your death has affected so deeply. How by because of what we have gone through, their lives have changed, even in the smallest way. I notice it. I am aware of it. I am thankful for it. Not thankful for your death of course, but thankful for the way I am watching all of my little flowers bloom around me, because of the love they have for you. For us. I don’t need any of my little flowers worrying about being happy or having a great life. They were all meant to, Ro. They were meant to because you were part of their worlds and you affected them in such a way, that they will become more beautiful, because of you. What a gift you have given all of us.

So to all of my Tricia Boo’s, my Little M’s, my Susie’s,┬ámy Macy’s….. stop it. Stop apologizing for things that you do not need to apologize for. You all have proven yourselves more than I could have ever asked for. My Macy… I’ve been meaning to tell you to stop apologizing for not calling me on the 4 months of Ronan’s death. He loved you so much. That in itself means you are my sister forever. Nothing you do or forget to do, will ever change the way I feel for you. I expect you all to live your lives, just the way you are. As being the best versions of yourselves and being happy and thankful, because you know what it truly means to have been loved by Ronan. If there ever comes a time, that I am hurt or mad, and that day may come….. And it could be over somethings as silly as the time that I yelled at Tricia because I said she abandoned me, and then she and Macy ended up tracking me down on Camelback Mountain; because they were so upset over my words. What happened then? Tricia grabbed me, we cried, hugged, and apologized. But we were honest with each other and it only made us closer. You know what else happened? Macy flashed everyone she passed with the skirt she was wearing as she tried to hike up the mountain, in sandals. It made me laugh and love those two more than I ever thought possible. I know, Ro, who is true. So do you. That is the reason our lives are filled with the most beautiful people on the face of the planet. And I’m not exaggerating. If you are in our lives, there is a reason why…. so stop worrying, second guessing, thinking you have offended me or hurt my feelings. I promise you, I will let you know.

I fell asleep late last night. Once again, the thought of falling asleep without having you to kiss goodnight, is worse than any nightmare that I could ever have. I fell asleep but did the usual tossing and turning. I remember a bit of my dreams, but not much. I remember it had to do with the locket I have, that I put some of your ashes in. Somebody, and I cannot remember who, took my locket and threw it into a fire. I remember screaming hysterically and thinking that I was burning you all over again and you were going to be able to feel it. It was an awful dream, Ro. I’m so sorry. I woke up today, so tired from my restless night. I bounced out of bed anyway. I had a meeting to go to. A meeting that I’m not going to go into too much detail about because it is personal. And I don’t know if this person is o.k. with me blabbing about the things we discussed today. I know how to tip toe around things when I need to, as I don’t want to scare people off. I know I walk a fine line with the responsibility that comes along with this blog, but for as much as I am all about honesty….I do want to be respectful of others. Let’s just say, I met with a mom today. An amazing mom who knows what it is like to walk in my shoes. She took the time to meet with me, listen to me, hold my hand, to cry with me; but she also took the time to tell me this is livable. Her marriage survived. She still has her other kids, who have turned out to be amazing kids. She told me how she knows what the lowest of the lows are, but when the highs come along, they are unbelievable. She didn’t sugar coat a thing, which you know I love. I love to meet other people who are open and honest; it makes my heart happy. It’s funny throughout all of this, the people I am meeting. The people whom I feel like I’ve known my whole life, even though I have not. It was so easy to feel a connection with this mom today, because of the fucked up club we are in together. She is a firecracker, like me. She is a fighter, like me. She is ready to go to War. She is willing to do whatever it takes to help me get this message across. She is ready for the Sea of Gold, that is going to come. I know this is going to take some time, but it is coming. I will stop at nothing to make sure of this. And I love all of you, for being on board as well. Thank you.

After my meeting, I came home and went to meet Inferno Fuckwad Bob, at Camelback Mountain. Man, he was messing with my head today. I climbed that mountain, in the heat of the day, while dealing with him, screaming in my head. I have now convinced myself that everyone I know, is either sick, dying or leaving me. Ronan, you had to leave me…. so who is next? This is what Inferno Fuckwad Bob, is trying to convince me of. He’s doing a pretty good job because I spent a majority of the day, screaming and crying. I ran down Camelback at an insane speed. I fell hard, didn’t feel an ounce of pain, got back up and screamed to the world, “This is the best you can do!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!” I fell. Just like we all do sometimes do in life, all the time. I made a choice today. I could have cried out in pain and carefully continued down the mountain, watching my every step, tending to my bloody hands, bruised ass, and jacked up ankle; but I didn’t. I got back up, laughed, screamed, had someone ask me if I was alright, said “Yes, thank you,” and I ran my ass the rest of the way down to the bottom. Fuck you, Cancer. I hate you so much, that you make me stronger than I ever knew I was capable of being. I remember driving in the car, sobbing, and screaming out loud to you how sorry I was. I swore on my life, the life that I don’t want anymore, that I would not stop advocating for Childhood Cancer until people start to become aware and a major shift comes. I swore that to you today, out loud and I will not let you down, Ro. I don’t care if this does not happen until I am on my death bed, at 100 years old. It’s going to fucking happen. I have to take this anger I feel for losing you and turn it into something good. I HAVE TO, Ro. You were so gorgeous Ronan, that I know you will end up making this disease, which is so dark and ugly, into something beautiful. Something that people will no longer ignore. I know we will make this happen, together. Just you and me, Ro. Forever.

I love you little man. I’ve got to pick up your brothers soon from the airport. I miss you a million times a day. I love you more than you will ever know. I hope you are safe. I hope you were never scared. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so, so sorry, Baby Doll.

xoxo

Rain from Ro

Ronan. So many people made today, not an awful day. Friends, family, strangers and even you. As much as I was dreading today…. too many things happened for it to be anything, but beautiful. For as awful as I was feeling inside, there were too many things in the Universe, spinning around, not in my hands… making today bearable. I survived today and even made it though the day with a smile. Something I don’t do very often anymore. Something I miss doing so very much.

The day started off normally. Well, kind of. I was tired from not falling asleep until early morning. I heard Quinn come into my room around 6 a.m., saying he had a bad dream. I had just fallen asleep a few hours earlier. I wrapped my arms around him and we both fell back asleep. It was 8 before we woke up and I thought about just staying in bed and keeping your brothers home with me today. I knew if I did this, that it would not be a good day. I would have ended up hiding in bed, and not coming out. That is something your brothers do not need to see and I do not need to do. It only makes me feel worse. I got up, got Quinn up and we rushed to get out of the house before school started. We barely made it. I dropped your brothers off and went to Hava Java to meet N and Fernanda for coffee. I found a table outside, which never happens; as that place is always packed. Fernanda showed up and N soon after. I just happened to get a table right next to Susan Levine. She came to visit us when you were there. Gosh, she is beautiful. She knows, N and said Hello. I went up to her and gave her a hug and I thought I was going to have to remind her who I was, but I didn’t. She remembered. Even in my running shorts, no make-up, baseball hat self. She still recognized me as your Mom. I tried not to cry and thanked her for her amazing Ryan House. It was strange seeing her today, on your 4 months, but it felt like it was supposed to happen. Like it was meant to be.

I sat outside with N and Fernanda. We talked and caught up. N had to leave after a short amount of time due to a work call. It felt nice just to see her face. After N left, I sat with Fernanda and we talked about how I want to go back to NYC…. to have a few words with Kushner. We both know it will not do any good, as we are sure he is not capable of dealing with an emotional, angry mother. I don’t care if I don’t get though to him at all. I just want that man to look me in the eyes and tell me he is sorry. How he promised things that he should not have, and that when he couldn’t deliver, he abandoned us. He owes that to you, Ronan. I need closure. It is something that I cannot do without. It is part of my healing process. It may seem stupid and trivial, but it is important to me.

As Fernanda and I were sitting outside, we weren’t really talking, we were just being. I do this with her a lot. As we were both just being, we looked up at the sky. It started to rain. Rain in September. Rain from Ro. The sky opened up and I swear it was just over Hava Java as the clouds were nowhere else to be seen. Fernanda and I both looked at each other and just sat, held hands across the table and cried. We both know the rain was from you. You know how happy rain makes me. It is one of my favorite things in the world. I felt the little drips of the rain, on my lips and the tip of my nose. Kisses from you. It was such a perfect moment. So simple and filled me with a bit of joy. The fact that I had this moment while Fernanda sat across from me, made it even better. I know you saw the two of us today. You wanted us to know that you are still around and that you are taking care of us now. I really believe this to be true. We sat with the rain and it stopped after a few minutes. I didn’t want to leave but had to get on with the day. Inferno Hiking was waiting. It wasn’t much of an Inferno Hike today. You out of towners are going to laugh when I tell you how “Cool,” the temperature was. It was only 101 today so the Inferno did not exist. I cannot believe I am even saying that. Anywhere else, and 101 would be boiling. Not here. It felt chilly today as I climbed the mountain in that degree of heat and not the 115 that I have been hiking it in. I got to the top and sat down on my bench. I actually laid down and cried my eyes out all while watching the most amazing clouds roll in and the wind thrash back and forth. It was really windy up there today. I listened for you. I talked to you and told you I love you. I hope you heard me. I stayed up top for a good 30 minutes and ran all the way back down. Right as I was ending my run, The Bravery song that I played for you last night, came on. So funny. So fitting. So you.

I came home, showered and the doorbell rang. I went to answer it and it was a delivery guy with the most gorgeous purple flowers. A card was attached, and said something about making this day brighter, but no name was signed. So, I have no idea whom these flowers came from today but I am going to say Thank You, anyway. So thoughtful, sweet, and made me smile. They are gorgeous. What’s even more gorgeous is the fact that somebody out there sent me these flowers, without needing me to know who they are. I love deeds such as this. That says so much about a person. So, lovely stranger or friend. Thank you for your kindness today. I love that no recognition was needed. But I’m still dying to know who sent them! If you want to tell, feel free to send me a little message;) If not, that’s o.k. too. I totally understand.

I headed over to see Katie at her boutique. I brought her a Green Tea from Starbucks and a slew of bracelets. She said her phone had been ringing off the hook all day and her email was flooded with requests for your bracelets. I could not believe it. I am still in awe of the support and love that is coming from all of this. I sat at the counter, while she rang up customers. I am surprised at how much at home I feel in Katie’s store and with her. I hardly know this girl, yet her store feels like a second home to me. So strange. I feel like I’ve known her my entire life even though I only met her last week. I am such a skeptic of people too and their intentions. I feel only good vibes when I am with Katie. I know she is helping me because she is just a good-hearted person; not because she wants anything from all of this. She has nothing to gain, she has no reason to put herself out there to gain anything. Her intentions are so true and pure. I love this. As I was sitting at her counter, while she was gift wrapping something for a customer, guess what came on while I was sitting there? Stevie Nicks, “Landslide.” I just looked at Katie and gave her a hard time about putting that song on, on purpose. We both laughed and then the tears started to well up in my eyes. We just kept staring back and forth at each other, both getting teary eyed, while trying to keep our composure in front of her customer. Katie yelled out, “O.K. I can’t even look at you right now.” I just smiled and wiped my tears away. It was such a funny moment. I left there shortly after to grab your brother and cousins from school.

I had a crazy house full of boys. Wild, funny, happy boys. I had 4 of your cousins over to play. 2 of them are staying the night. It’s been a really great night. I love nothing more than being surrounded by kids. It’s my happiness. I took your brothers and cousins to basketball practice. Your daddy is coaching their team again. I watched my two little hoopsters and what amazing players they have become. You would be so proud of them. After practice, your Daddy went to the ASU football game. I took the 4 boys and we decided to try a restaurant, “Beckett’s Table,” for dinner. We have wanted to try this place out for months now. I was so excited to go somewhere new, with my date of 4 boys all under the age of 8. All the boys were really excited too. We sat outside in this amazing weather and had the best service. A really sweet server came out after we had been there for about 30 minutes. We were the only one’s on the patio, eating, but she came out to say Hello and to tell me that she reads this blog. I was surprised, as I guess I kind of forget that I’ve put myself out there in such a way that strangers recognize me. I gave her a big hug and told her thank you. She asked if I Inferno Hiked today and I told her yes. She than said something about how she felt so voyeuristic about knowing all of this stuff about me and asked me if it felt weird. I told her I honestly didn’t think about it at all and I still think that I am really only writing to you, and that nobody really reads what I write. I told her how much I appreciated her coming up to me and saying hello, because I do. So many people won’t and that just sucks. I would rather have someone tell me they are sorry than say nothing at all. As I was gathering up the 4 best dates in the world, we walked out of the restaurant and I smiled and said thank you to the people who were standing by the kitchen. One of the managers chased me out to tell me that our dinner, was on them tonight. I tried to put up a fight but she just was not having it. I wanted to cry but I put on my brave face and told her thank you so much. The kindness of this big city, is really something remarkable. The chocolate covered bacon was amazing. Actually, everything was amazing. Thank you, Beckett’s Table tonight. It was truly one of the best dinners out that I have had in a VERY long time. We’ll be back, for sure:)

I missed you today and tonight, Ro. In everything I did. Even driving in the car. I looked in my rear view mirror today, at the place where you used to sit, behind me. It was empty and felt so wrong. I almost had to pull the car over to throw up. I can’t believe I don’t have you behind me anymore, throwing things at my head, squeezing toothpaste that you had found, all over yourself and smearing it on the windows. This is so fucking wrong. So unfair. So permanent. I still can’t believe that you are never coming back. I still feel like your Daddy is going to come bouncing through the doors with you. I still feel like I made you up in my head, because the pain of knowing that you were here, and are now gone, is just too much. People say this gets easier over time. I’m here to tell you, it does not. 4 months later, and the pain is worse. Your Daddy agrees too. Time does not heal wounds. If you survive something like this, you just learn to live with the pain. You learn to fill the holes here and there, but there will always be a big chunk of your heart missing. That is a fact. It does not get easier, you never forget, the pain does not become less over time. It stays with you, every second of the day until you just becomes used to it. It is just a part of the person you are. Pretty soon, you are so used to the pain of all of this, that you don’t remember what it felt like before. It is as if you have felt this way your entire life. Well, this is my experience anyway. To each his own.

Time to go baby. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you so very much.

Goodnight my lovelies. Thank you to everyone who texted me super early this morning to say they were thinking of me, for all the phone calls, FB messages, emails. smiles, hugs, random flowers and a really sweet dinner. I am in awe of all the love that surrounds us thanks to Ronan. Love you all.

xoxo

Fake it till you Make it

Ronan. Hi baby doll. So, last night…. not so much fun. I fell asleep from 11-1. Was up from 1-4:00. Slept from 4-6:00. Rise and shine, adrenaline pumping. I could not sleep last night to save my life. I wandered around the house, looking for you. I went into your room and wrote. I sat and cried. I took more Melatonin. It didn’t really work. I know why. It’s because today is Esther’s 4 months since she passed away. I was worried about Doriet. I called her this morning, after I took your brothers to school and had some time before I went to see Dr. Joanne. I needed to hear her voice and to let her know I was thinking of her. It felt good to talk to her and tell her I love her. I do. I told her I would come and see her. I really want to. I really need to. I will.

I saw Dr. Joanne today. I took your “GiGi,” blanket with me and wore my locket full of your ashes. We went over the worksheet today that she had me do. I started to cry as soon as we started going over it. She said I was really feeling it today. I was. We talked a lot about you. We talked a lot about me. I told her about the strong desire I have to still take care of you. How taking care of you, now comes in the form of taking care of me. I told her that I feel like I have to hit rock bottom, how I have to walk through Hell and back, to get through this. I told her how you are worth every amount of blood, sweat and tears that I have in my body. We talked a lot about expectations. She is glad that I am strong enough to stick up for myself and go through this the way I need to. Not the way anybody else thinks I should. I love her. She is such a powerful soul. She told me today that she can tell I feel like I have one foot in the world of the living, and one foot in the world of the dead. She gets it. She was exactly right. Nobody can understand the true pain of losing a child, unless you are a bereaved mother yourself. This journey is mine and mine alone. Nobody else’s. I am o.k. with that. I prefer it like that. The session was good.

We were about to end on a pretty good note, but then I had to pull out the journal that I found while cleaning out my desk a few days ago. I guess deep down, I’ve always been a writer. I’ve written for as long as I can remember. Never anything I was serious about, but I’ve always loved it. My words have always been hauntingly honest and insightful, but I never bothered to share them with anyone but myself. I never thought I was any good at it. Never had a reason to be. I found some really disturbing words written down, 2 days after your diagnoses. Call them my insightful ways. UGH. She sat with my words for a while and seemed taken aback. She was going to give me some homework, but decided we are going to take my words, and have me sit with them and to talk to you about the things I had written. To listen to what I would hear you say, back to me. I can do this. I can do anything for you.

I came home from Dr. Joanne and changed my clothes. I went and checked some things off of my “Shit List.” I went Inferno Hiking. I had a conversation in my head with the pretend paramedic who I was going to need to save me from that Pink Rattlesnake I’ve been dreaming about. I told the pretend paramedic that I was not afraid to die from the poisonous venom of a rattlesnake. That if my time was up, than my time was up. I told him how I had you waiting for me and if we were meant to be reunited, my life, would be ending in exactly the way that it was supposed to. I told him how you must miss me so much, that you are ready to have me back taking care of you again. I told him how I was not scared at all and I said all of this with a smile on my face. I have conversations in my head all day long with people I don’t even know. I have conversations with you a lot. “Landslide,” played on my iPod. I looked behind me when Stevie Nicks sang,

“I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down.”

I turned around and looked for you. I couldn’t see you. I cried as I ran as fast as I could up the mountain today. I screamed for you. I whispered for you. I listened for you. I pretended to see you, running up the hill behind me. I wished for death. It didn’t happen. I ran as fast as I could back down the mountain, hoping to fall and break my arm. Anything to feel a break from this pain of living without you. I made it to the bottom, soaking wet, but safe and sound. Guess today was not my day to walk with you again. To hold you sweet, soft hand and kiss your perfectly plump lips. It’s days like today, that I almost cannot take being without you. I tried to eat lunch. That went over really well. I threw it all up.

I picked up your brothers. They were so happy and excited to tell me all about their day. The good grades they got on their spelling tests, math test, AR Reading points…… They are happy. They are coming to terms with the fact that you are gone and are not coming back. They are so full of hope that the fact that it is not infectious to me makes me think that I am seriously disturbed. NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPY. NOTHING. Try swallowing the guilt that comes from that. I hope someday that I will be happy again. But I am not going to walk around and pretend that I am. Fake it till you make it. As Dr. Joanne said, I sure do put on a good game face. The best I told her.

I took your brothers to Sauce for an after school snack. I sat and watched as they gobbled up pizza and engaged with them, smiled for them, laughed with them. It was fucking exhausting. Also, I’m sure the fact that I had almost no sleep last night, didn’t help. We came home, emptied out their backpacks and lunch boxes and went over their homework. I told them they could have a break, some down time. I crawled under the covers. Your Daddy came home soon after that. I fell asleep for about a half an hour. I woke up to your Daddy, telling me he was going to take your brothers to play basketball. He asked if I wanted to go. I quietly told him, “No,” as the tears slid down my cheek. I felt like I had been run over by a bus. Soon the house was quiet and empty. I got up, unloaded the dishwasher and did all the good mommy/wife things that I am supposed to be doing. I called your Nana, whom I never talk to anymore. I felt guilty as she picked up and I could hear the excitement in her voice. We talked for a few minutes. She told me she is worried about me not eating. She told me she doesn’t want me to end up in the hospital. I told her, “Who cares.” She tried to gently scold me, all while telling me she wasn’t judging me. I told her I knew that. I know she does not. She is a good mom. I promise to call her more often.

I’m going to go now baby doll. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo