A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks


Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
http://www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo

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18 thoughts on “A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

  1. Phaedra

    That photo is so perfect for you Maya.
    I know that I have a dedication to be a part of the foundation, and I 100% understand that you are cautious about who you let be part of it. If for some reason, you decide I am not one of those who get to be a part of it, well, that’s alright. I’ve been searching around for different organizations and foundations in LA and I can be content with joining one of them. I do hope I can be a part of Ronan’s though. Something about him just pulls me deeper every day. Something about you too…I don’t know what it is. It sounds funny to me to say I want to be one of your new friends, and I know I can’t push that, I have to let it happen if it’s going to. No matter what though, even if it doesn’t happen, working hard for Childhood Cancer Awareness and CURES are going to be a part of my life till the day I join those kiddos as an angel myself.

    I am glad to see you are doing alright, even though it’s all tough, you are still grinding. Making it through. Big ups to you Maya. Fer surrrious. Your strength is so motivating. I love it.

    Thank you for sharing… you’re one of the best women I know (but don’t know!)
    🙂

  2. kelli

    Maya-
    Just wanted to tell you I think about you and your family daily. I’m always hoping & praying that you get your signs from Ro.
    W/Love from TX

  3. Domenica

    Thanks for the information on the bracelets. I wear my purple Rockstar Ronan one faithfully but cannot wait to get my hands on a naughty one 😛 You truly are such an inspiring woman. You’ve made me want to become a better mom/person/citizen in my community. I just registered to volunteer at PCH recently. Sadly to say, without reading your blog and YOU inspiring me, I probably would not have done so. I just feel such a passion and and need to do more….to help out these families who are going through tough times. I know its not much but I felt it was the least I could do. I think about you and Ronan ALL the time…I feel like I know you, although I do not and Just wanted you to know that I STRIVE to be as strong a woman as you, or having the courage that you carrying. You are truly one of a kind! ❤

  4. Glenda

    Maya,

    Thinking of you, Rockstar Ro and your beautiful family. I want to help you out with Childhood Cancer because no child should have to suffer and be gone too soon. I lost my mom 8/04 to Cancer…and I wear Rockstar Ro’s bracelet proudly (and I have the naughty one) 😉

    Peace & strength!
    xo

  5. Melissa Vendt

    I read this and wanted to share it with you. While I am confident you are well aware of this information, I thought it might be something you would want to share with others to raise awareness and eliminate all of the ignorant assholes out there!

    by Gwen Parrish Bentley

    As most of you know, I want to see Childhood Cancers wiped off the face of the Earth! If you think you know about Childhood Cancer, I challenge you to take this quiz! You might be amazed…and moved to join the Effort to FIND A CURE!

    1.The symbol for Childhood Cancer Awareness is:

    A. A pink ribbon

    B. A pink and blue tie-dyed handprint

    C. A gold ribbon

    D. A pink angel

    2. Almost 30% of the U.S. Population is under the age of 20. Of these, how many are diagnosed with childhood cancer each year?

    A. 1,240

    B. 120

    C. 12,400

    D. 124

    3. In 1998, how many children died from Childhood Cancer?

    A. 250

    B. 25

    C. 2,500

    D. 2520

    4. How many children are diagnosed with Cancer each day?

    A. 3

    B. 5.7

    C. 46

    D. 21

    5. According to statistics, what percentage of children lost their battle with

    Childhood Cancer within 5 years?

    A. 12%

    B. 6%

    C. 20%

    D. .07%

    6. When money is donated to a Foundation for Breast Cancer Research,

    what percentage goes toward finding a cure for Childhood Cancer?

    A. 27%

    B. 12%

    C. 0%

    D. 50%

    7. In 2006, the NCI funding for AIDS research was $254 Million & funding for Breast Cancer research was $584 Million. What is the current total NCI funds for research for Childhood Cancers?

    A. $64 Million

    B. $254 Million just like for AIDS research

    C. $26.4 Million

    D. $584 Million just like for Breast Cancer research

    8. The American Cancer Society funds $13 Million for the 10 most prevalent adult cancers. What is the fund budget from the ACS for ALL Childhood Cancers?

    A. $1.3 Million

    B. $18 Million

    C. $4 Million

    D. $13 Million, just like they do for adult cancers

    9. Funding is averaged according to incidence of cancer and PYLL, Person Years Life Lost. $1000/PYLL combined is spent on the two most prevalent cancers of men and women (not including lung). How many dollars/PYLL are spent on all childhood cancers?

    A. $1000/PYLL

    B. $57/PYLL

    C. $24/PYLL

    D. $1647/PYLL

    10. The number one cause of death from disease of children is:

    A. Diabetes

    B. Pediatric AIDS

    C. Childhood Cancer kills more than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, congenital anomalies, and pediatric AIDS, combined.

    The answer to EACH question is “C”–for a CURE! With public awareness and research, breast cancer mortality rates have drastically improved. Now, we need to do the same for Childhood Cancer! Help by sharing information to increase awareness, and please pray…for the children, for their families, for the researchers, for the doctors…for a CURE!

  6. kim

    i have seen the garage before but never went in. i will have to go in soon with my little boy to check it out and pick up some bracelets! thank you so much for the heads up on where to find them!
    love that you heard landslide right before you left the store…i have no doubt in my mind that that was ronan. i love how he loves you maya. he knows how badly you’re hurting and i truly believe he sending you all different kinds of signs to let you know he’s there holding your hand.
    xoxo

  7. Christina Appleget Van Hise

    I wear my naughty bracelet everyday, over my sleeve at work in a dr’s office. And I gave a naughty one to the lady running the Alex’s Lemonade stand at the food store. A girl at work read my bracelet and said “that’s not very nice” to which i replied “how nice is it that cancer kills kids?” She had no response. Fuck You Cancer!

    Another girl at work who is not on my FB heard me telling the other girls that everyday of Sept, I am posting a link to a kid fighting or who lost their fight to cancer. She said “that is why i don’t want to be ur friend on there, you post such depressing stuff” I looked right in her eyes and said “It’s called AWARENESS! How aware are you that when you start having babies that things like this can happen?” Oh to be young and dumb.

    I think about you throughout every day. I wonder what you are doing, what are L & Q up to, how you are managing to get through the day. I say a prayer for all of you (Woody too) and hope that each day brings you healing in some small way. I love that you were able to ask Ronan if he was scared in your dream and he told you “No”. Reading that made me smile sooo big!! Love you, Maya. Anything I can do to help you raise awareness, I am your girl!

  8. I think you're awesome.

    I read every day, and every day I hope that you will write about something that made you happy. I know each day has its sad moments…actually, that most moments have at least a little sadness in them. But still, I am hopeful for your sake because if anyone deserves a day filled with moments of joy, it’s you.

    Thanks to you, I’m obsessed with your Happy Birthday nail polish. I called about 100 places in Phoenix before I did the smart thing and Googled it…and of course realized that it’s practically in front of my face at Nordstrom. I got about 15 bottles of it and I’ve now handed out a few to the random strangers that inevitably comment on my polish when I’m wearing it. I think of Ronan every single time, and I think of how it might make him giggle to see ladies all over this big city with pretty, sparkly fingernails. 🙂

    You’re in my constant thoughts and prayers. I hope today was good to you. Much love.

  9. Claudia Flaherty

    Hi Maya (Inka) Badass Mofo,

    I just wanted to write to tell you that I went to the Green Cleaners on Tuesday and picked up my naughty Rockstar Ro bracelet. I love it, and wear it so proudly!! The lady that was working there (not sure if it was Halle) had so many wonderful things to say about your family and especially about Ro. I chatted with her for a few minutes and we talked about you and your amazing family. She told me how you would go to 7-Eleven every time you came in because you always had to buy Ro his slurpee. She said it was his most favorite thing and the smile on his face was priceless, pure joy. Although I have been reading your blog daily for the last 4 months, it felt so surreal to walk into that dry cleaners and see the beautifully decorated clear bucket with Ronan’s picture on it and filled with his purple bracelets. It almost took my breath away. All I could think about is how many times Ro’s beautiful little feet walked on the floor right below where I was standing. I swear I felt him there. I can’t wait for the first person to ask me what the bracelet says so that I can tell them about your brave little boy and raise awareness for childhood cancer, such a sick, cruel joke.

    Keep on keepin’ on! You and your precious Ro are changing the world, one day at a time.

    Much love to you Mama Maya!

  10. Jenny Craig

    Hello, I know you don’t know me, my neice was just at my house and told me all about you and your family. My heart breaks for all of you, I have 3 children probably your age and 4 grandchildren, as I said I don’t know you but I really do. I’m a mother so we know each other, I would just take all of you in my arms and hug you until you stop hurting.

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